VI.
There was a knock outside, sharp and quick, and Remus knew something was wrong immediately. Setting down his textbook, he hurried to the door and found Charity standing there, looking very pale.
"What's happened?" he demanded, practically pulling her inside. "Was there another attack?"
She nodded mutely, and his hand flew through his hair before he spoke again. "Where?"
"Gryffindor again," she said, her eyes still wide. "He got in this time, Remus. He attacked a student."
"Harry?" he asked sharply, already berating himself mentally. If Sirius had got to Harry, Remus would have failed again and lost everything left to him of this past. He said a silent prayer that he was wrong, then felt even more guilty when Charity shook her head, because he was so relieved.
"No, he went to the wrong bed. He slashed Ron Weasley's curtains with a knife." Remus stared at her: Black had got into the third-year boys' dormitory then. There was little doubt he was after Harry. He hadn't wanted to believe it, but it seemed he had to now: Sirius Black was trying to kill his own godson.
A deep fury began to boil within him, but he held it back for the moment, storing it away for the moment he finally confronted his former friend. "Is Ron all right? Is he hurt?"
Charity shook her head again. "He's fine. He's terrified, though--they all are."
"How the hell did he get into the common room?" Remus asked. "Do we know?" It couldn't have been his Animagus form, as the portrait required a password, which had to mean…
"He knew the password, so Sir Cadogan let him in. Someone had written them down and he'd stolen the sheet." Charity took his hand before he turned away. "Remus, what are you going to do?"
"I'm going after him this time," he replied. "This can't keep happening."
"They're searching the castle--" Charity began, but he waved her off.
"Then I'll search the grounds, the forest, the village. I will find him." And I will destroy him, he added silently to himself. He knew he was being overdramatic, but he didn't care: he could not let Sirius Black hurt Harry, not now. He found his warm cloak, threadbare as it was, and began to pull on a scarf and gloves.
"I'm coming with you this time," Charity declared, and he put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her forehead.
"No, stay here. You help search the castle. I'll be fine on my own."
"No, you won't. He's dangerous. Safety in numbers, right?" She gave him a challenging look, but he shook his head.
"Not this time. I need to face him, Charity."
"You need help," she insisted. She glanced around the room and Summoned an old blanket that she quickly Transfigured into a cloak; she was obviously determined to go with him. "I can't let him hurt you."
"Or let me hurt him?" he murmured, but she merely raised an eyebrow in response.
"I'm starting to think he deserves it. But I also think we should hand him over to the Dementors if we find him. They'll take care of it."
Remus stared at her, surprised at her change in attitude, then nodded slowly. "Fine. But I want my answers first…and I'll do anything to get them." He would. Sirius may have been his friend once, but Remus would do whatever he needed to do to force Black to tell him why he had betrayed them all--to explain it to him, face-to-face. And he remembered exactly what to do from his days in the Order of the Phoenix, though he had not told Charity some of the darker things he had done.
They left the castle quietly and fanned out across the shadowy grounds. They searched everywhere--the greenhouses, the Quidditch rooms, the boathouse and lake and paths. There was no sign of Sirius Black anywhere, just the cold aura of the Dementors floating about the perimeter of the castle grounds.
Remus knew what he had to do. There was only one other place he could think of where Sirius might be hiding, though he hated the very thought of going back there. He had hoped to never return, now that he had the Wolfsbane potion to help him through his transformations every month. Yet Sirius knew about the tunnel beneath the tree, and Remus did not know if Professor Dumbledore had thought to search it; it was his duty anyway, as it had been built for him.
"Let's check the Whomping Willow," he said, heading across the grounds toward the tree he still hated, even after so many years. It was still and quiet, unmoving until they began to approach it. Remus raised his wand toward a familiar knot on the tree, murmured a spell, and the branches stopping swaying.
"How did you do that?" Charity asked, her voice echoing across the silent grounds.
"Learned it at school," he murmured. Strictly speaking, it was true. He hadn't told her much about his transformations back then, though, so he did not elaborate, and ignored the curious look she gave him.
"Let's move a bit closer," he said, his wand out. Charity nodded and together they approached the tree. As they came to the great roots spread out across the ground, Remus made a silent apology before he stepped behind Charity and murmured a Sleeping Spell. A brief look of surprise crossed Charity's face as she turned toward him and then began to fall to the ground; catching her, he pulled her toward the tunnel and gently laid her down.
Lowering himself through the dark hole in the roots, he used his wand to bring her down into the earth as well; he might have just knocked her out, but he couldn't very well leave her lying in the cold with a murderer loose on the grounds. He conjured a blanket and tucked it around her, then lit his wand and gazed down the murky tunnel.
Memories assaulted him, as if on a dark wind blown from the depths of time…
…Madam Pomfrey leading him down the tunnel for the first time, terrified and ashamed…
…Another awful night spent alone, howling at the moon, scratching and biting…
…James and Sirius and Peter confronting him with his secret, yet supporting him when he was so certain they would be horrified and disgusted…
…Their first transformation in the dormitory, stunning him into speechless shock. They had become Animagi, dangerously and illegally, all for him…
…Running free and bursting from the tunnel, the stag and the wolf and the rat by his side. Exploring the grounds, the forest, even the village. How could they have put so many people in so much danger?
…His last night in the Shrieking Shack…
Shaking himself of the unwelcome memories, Remus took a deep breath and set off down the tunnel. It was quite a bit smaller than he remembered…but then again, he was quite a bit older. He had to bend over and even crawl, and though he kept a constant lookout for footprints in the dirt, he saw none. Sirius had not been there, then: he was chasing ghosts.
When he came to the hole that led into the house, he stopped. A sudden burst of fear and panic sickened him, and he almost turned to wretch into the dirt behind him. This place was pain, it was tears: why was he going back in now, so many years later? He did not need the Shrieking Shack any longer and had no wish to relieve the nights he had spent there, cold and alone. Staring at the entrance, his hands shaking, Remus closed his eyes and tried to settle his nerves. He should still search it, just in case Sirius had found another way in.
He couldn't.
Turning abruptly, Remus hurried back through the tunnel as fast as he could, desperate to put the past behind him once more. In fact, he had to beat back the urge to panic and run--run away as fast and as far as he could. When he came out beneath the roots, he found Charity sitting up, the blanket still wrapped around her, staring at him with her wand lit.
"You Stunned me," she said, her voice flat.
Remus stood up straight and began to brush the dirt from his cloak. He shook his head. "No, it was a Sleeping Charm, that's all."
"Why?" she demanded, and he sighed.
"I didn't want you to get hurt," he said, hoping that it was enough but knowing it wasn’t. She raised an eyebrow.
"Well, I am," she replied very simply, and he knew she was not referring to being physically injured. "Where are we and what are we doing here?"
"We're under the Whomping Willow," Remus said wearily. "There's a tunnel beneath it that I wanted to search."
"You think Sirius Black may be using it to get onto the grounds?" Charity asked.
"I had considered it, yes," Remus replied, passing a hand across his eyes "But there doesn't appear to be any sign of activity in the tunnel at all, so I doubt it."
"Did Black know about it?" she asked, her voice sharp. Remus nodded. "Then we need to tell Dumbledore about it immediately. He could still try to get in this way."
"Dumbledore already knows about the tunnel," said Remus, glancing away.
"How does he know about it?" she asked, but her voice was softer. If he knew her at all, she was probably starting to figure it out.
"Because he built it," Remus answered honestly. "For me."
She stared at him with a mixture of shock and horror and disgust and pity, and he almost couldn't stand it. He stood in the hollow space under the roots of the tree and wished he could pace to rid himself of the horrible feeling building inside him.
"Is this where you transformed?" she asked, her voice so quiet he could barely hear her. He could only nod, then quickly shook his head.
"No, not exactly. I came out here every full moon and followed the tunnel. It leads to a house. That's where I transformed."
"In a house?" He nodded. "In Hogsmeade?"
A bitter laugh escaped his lips. "Too dangerous. It's a bit on the outskirts, up on a hill. People stayed away because they thought it was haunted."
"Haunted?" she asked, then her eyes went wide. "Oh Remus, you don't mean the Shrieking Shack, do you?"
A cynical tip of his head told her she was right. Before she could say anything else to lessen his shame, Remus had the sudden urge--no, the desperate need--to get out of there, get away from it. If he was going to talk about it, he couldn't be there, right where it had happened every month for seven long years of his life. He had to leave.
"I can't stay here," he mumbled, then scrambled out from under the roots back into the open night air. He took several deep calming breaths, hands on his knees, to steady his shaky heart. He heard Charity behind him, but she did not offer any comfort, not this time, and her response shook him even more.
"Why did you really come here?" she asked him bluntly.
"To find Sirius Black," he answered, standing to face her. She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Then why did you knock me out?"
"To protect you."
She nodded, crossing her arms in front her. "From him, or from you?"
Remus shook his head. "What do you mean, from me? I would never hurt you, you must know that."
"It hurts me to think that you don't trust me," she replied. "It hurts me to think that you're the kind of person who could kill a man in cold blood."
Remus just stared at her, his mouth hanging open. A dozen different responses came to mind, but he couldn't frame any of them into any sort of coherent sentence. And so he simply apologized.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I guess you don't really know me, then." And he turned to walk away.
"I know you're not a coward, Remus Lupin!" she called after him. He stopped, his back stiff. "So don't walk away like one, or you'll be walking away for the rest of your life."
"You're wrong again," he replied, though he did not turn to face her. "I am a coward, and I've been walking away my entire life, so why should I stop now?"
He walked away.
"Because I could have loved you," Charity said, her voice barely a whisper on the wind behind him. It cut into his heart, that a woman as strong and caring as Charity could ever have such feelings for him. And he wanted to return them--he did return them, he had fallen in love with her, just as he said he could--but he was damaged, broken by far more than his lycanthropy.
He was defined by his past, and though he kept trying to outrun it, it seemed even now when he might finally find happiness, he couldn't leave it behind. It had caught up to him, found him. He could never be with Charity because he could never tell her everything, because then she would leave him, and wasn't it better not to take that risk of being hurt all over again? To just continue on alone?
This way, at least, he couldn't hurt her. It would just be him…and perhaps, one day, he would find and hurt Sirius Black for ruining every chance at a good life that Remus had ever found…and lost.
* * *