VII.
"I'm sorry."
Charity glanced up from where she was sitting in the staff room and held back a sigh. She had been avoiding Remus for the past several weeks, eating early in the Great Hall and generally staying away from the staff room. Yet she had been so caught up in the latest edition of the Daily Prophet that she hadn't even heard him come in after his class, and now it was too late to excuse herself and leave--especially with Professor McGonagall already eyeing them from above the rim of her glasses.
Setting down the paper, Charity stood to face him. "I know you are, Remus, but it doesn't really change anything, does it?"
Remus glanced at McGonagall, and Charity was fairly certain the older woman gave him a look that plainly said, "Keep talking." She bit back a smile at the thought of Minerva McGonagall playing matchmaker; a small part of her wondered if her former Transfiguration professor had somehow told Remus that she was in the staff room.
"Are you busy right now?" Remus asked under his breath.
"Obviously not," Charity replied coolly. "As you've caught me reading the paper before supper."
"Then can we talk? Privately?" he asked. He took a deep breath. "Please?"
She wanted to shrug her indifference, but she couldn't: she hated avoiding him and missed being with him. So she nodded and gathered her things, then followed Remus into the corridor. She thought she heard McGonagall whisper, "Good luck, lass," but did not turn around to double check.
"I'm not sure what there is to talk about, Remus," Charity said as they stepped outside. "You made things rather clear at the Whomping Willow."
He hung his head before turning to her with a pleading look on her face. "I don't think I did, Charity. Will you give me a chance to explain?"
She was silent as she considered. "Explain what? Why you hit me with a Sleeping Charm and left me behind in a dark tunnel? Why you walked away from me afterward? Why you've waited so long to talk to me about it?"
Remus glanced around the corridor. "Yes, all of that. But not here in the middle of the hallway. Have dinner with me."
She gave him a raised eyebrow. "Dinner? Down in Hogsmeade? That's not very private either, is it?"
"Not Hogsmeade," he said, shaking his head with a small smile on his face. "Here in the castle."
"In your rooms?" she asked. "Because I'd rather eat in the Great Hall if that's the case."
"No, not my rooms." He held out his hand. "Someplace else. Trust me."
She hesitated, because she didn't: he had knocked her out to go after Sirius Black on his own. When she had demanded an explanation, he had walked away, leaving her with a very obvious answer, that it was over. She had been furious, then hurt, then sad. It had been almost three weeks, and now he wanted to talk--over dinner? Like a date?
"I don't trust you," she finally said, "but I'd like to. Where are we going then?" She did not take his hand, and though she saw him swallow nervously, he nodded in understanding.
"Fair enough." He motioned down the hallway. "And it's the seventh floor, actually." She gave him a curious look, but he merely smiled in return, following her but not too close. He asked about her classes, and she in turn asked about his. The light conversation felt distant, but it also felt good to talk to him again in a friendly manner.
"How's Harry doing?" she asked. "With the Patronus Charm?"
Remus nodded, his eyes smiling. "He's doing well. He hasn't produced a corporeal Patronus since the Quidditch match, but he's come a long way and is getting closer every week. I'm very proud of him."
"That's great," she said, then was silent. She wanted to ask him if he had talked to Harry about James and Lily, but decided that it was probably the best way to ruin their first real conversation in weeks, and she didn't want to do that. Fortunately they arrived in the seventh floor corridor right at that moment.
"This way," Remus said, and he took her hand. He didn't seem to notice what he had done, since it had once been quite natural for them to hold hands, and she didn't drop it, but let him lead her toward a large tapestry of a dancing troll. It was really rather hideous.
"We're having dinner in the seventh floor corridor?" she asked skeptically. Tapping the side of his nose, he began to pace the corridor. He stopped and stared at the wall opposite them, where, to Charity's surprise, a door had appeared in the stone.
"But that wasn't there before!" she exclaimed.
Remus took her hand once more, but she hesitated. One did not simply walk through random magical doors; it could be anything. It could be Dark magic and they might never return. Remus squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"It's safe--I was just up here with food from the kitchens. It's the Come and Go Room."
Charity gasped as she stepped forward with him. "You mean the Room of Requirement?"
He grinned like a schoolboy. "Yes, that one. We actually found it the end of our seventh year, but I just remembered it last week."
"You just remembered it?" she asked as they stepped through the door. They entered a large, ornate dining room. Although it was filled with tables, with sofas and lounge chairs around the edges, only one table was set with a single candle, flowers, and food--as well as a bottle of red wine. They walked toward it, Charity gazing around in amazement.
"This is unbelievable," she murmured. "I always thought it was just a legend."
"So did we, we spent so long trying to find it," Remus replied. "We almost gave up." He pulled out her chair and she sat down, momentarily forgetting that she was still angry with him. It was too magical--the room, the candles, everything.
"How did you only remember it now then?" she asked. She was fairly certain asking how he had found it would throw him back into his past, and she didn't want to see him slip into any dark moods, not then, so instead she asked about the present.
"We had a map of the castle," Remus said, sitting down and placing his napkin in his lap. "Filch confiscated it our last year, and we never got around to putting the Room of Requirement on it because we didn't find it until after he'd locked it away." He glanced around the room with a nostalgic look on his face. "I recently came across the map and oddly enough, it reminded me of this room, because it was the only room not on the map. I tried to add it, but I suspect it's probably Unplottable, because I couldn't do it."
"It's Unplottable? Just this room?" Charity asked in surprise. "How do you suppose that works?"
"I have no idea," he replied. He poured her some wine and smiled. "But I'm sure it's just one aspect of the rather spectacular advanced magic that must have constructed it. I mean, think about it--a room that becomes whatever you want, whenever you need it? That's remarkable, even for Hogwarts and all its secrets."
Charity was silent as she helped herself to some food. She felt comfortable with him, but she also felt tense, like couldn't let herself relax and go back to the way things were after what had happened that night on the grounds, at least not yet. So instead of asking him more about the room and bantering like they might have on an ordinary date, she decided to come to the point. Perhaps if they could resolve the issues between them, then she could relax and enjoy the magic.
"So why are we here, Remus?" she asked, and she hoped she didn't sound too abrupt or cold. He set down his fork and nodded.
"Of course. You're right. It's hard to enjoy a meal with so much hanging between us." She inclined her head in agreement, and he continued. "I said I was sorry, but I know I owe you so much more."
"You owe me an explanation, I think," Charity said. "And I don't mean everything--I know there are things in your past you're not ready to share. I know that. I just don't understand what happened that night." She took a sip of wine and set down her glass. "Remus, why did you leave me there, alone?"
He was silent for a very long time, with his fingers steepled before him. Finally he looked up at her and sighed. "Because like I said, it's what I do, what I've always done: I walk away. Sometimes I even run."
"What are you running from?" she asked, still trying to sound detached. She needed him to tell her, to confide or confess, she wasn't sure. She just didn’t want to keep finding out secrets like the way she had by the tree: she wanted to understand the truth of him.
"My life," he said bitterly, standing and beginning to pace, much as he had that first night they had been together in his chambers. "My life has not been an easy one, Charity. Nor a happy one."
She was silent as he continued; what could she say?
"And every time my life has started to resemble anything near normal, it always falls apart. So now I just run before it does--before I get hurt, or before I hurt anyone else."
Charity leaned back in her chair and studied him. "Tell me more." She cocked an eyebrow. "And sit down. You're making me nervous."
He nodded and sat down once more, though he did not continue eating and neither did she.
"I had a good life until I was bitten," Remus began, his eyes gazing into the distant past. "And then everything went wrong. I tried to run away, once, when it seemed just too much for my mother. I thought she'd be better off without me, but I came back. I had a good start at Hogwarts, too, to my surprise and relief--Professor Dumbledore built that tunnel and the shack just for my transformations every month, and for two years it worked perfectly. And then my friends found out at the end of our second year."
Charity frowned. "But they were your friends, so they must have been all right with it."
"Indeed they were." He nodded. "But I didn't believe them. I refused to return for my third year, but my dad convinced me, and my friends stood by me." He took a deep breath. "And they did more for me than anyone can imagine. We were truly the best of friends, the four of us. We even had nicknames--Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs."
"You were Moony, I assume?" she said, letting a bit of teasing slip into her tone. He smiled again as he remembered.
"Bit obvious, isn't it? Yes, I was. Well, my parents both died before I finished school, so James helped me out after we left. We all joined the Order of the Phoenix and fought for Dumbledore. It was…a dark time."
Charity couldn't help it: she reached out to take his hand before he became lost in his memories, and because she remembered: it had been a terrible time. She had been in school until the last year of the war, but still she remembered the stories, the fear, the small bits of the war that appeared in the castle every time a Slytherin got into a fight with a Gryffindor, or the Daily Prophet arrived with news of another murder, or another student disappeared, pulled from school. After leaving Hogwarts, she had gone to study in France; it had always been her plan, and at the time it had seemed much safer, particularly with her parents beginning to feel tide turn against them. They had laid as low as they could, until the war had ended and life had gradually begun to go back to normal. She had returned to a vastly different time than when she had left.
"You don't have to tell me everything," she said softly. "About the war, the Order. I know it was bad. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to be out there actually fighting."
He swallowed and nodded, his eyes bright. "It was awful. Especially at the end--every other day was like living a nightmare. And even more so for James and Lily."
Charity was silent. She suspected she only knew half the story of the Potters, so she waited patiently, hoping Remus--who had been so close to them--would tell her more, if only to get it off his own conscience.
He leaned forward, an urgent look on his face. "I don't think I can really make anyone understand what it was like. James and Sirius were like brothers. He was their best man, he was Harry's godfather. They were inseparable. James and Lily were in hiding for over a year, it was so hard for them--for all of us, but especially Sirius."
Taking a deep breath, Remus leaned back and continued. "Dumbledore had received word from a spy that Voldemort was going after them, so he told them their best chance to survive was to perform the Fidelius Charm. He offered to be their Secret-Keeper--I did too--but James chose Sirius. He swore up and down Sirius would never betray them." Remus shook his head bitterly. "A week later, they were dead--betrayed. Voldemort had gone to their house and killed them both. He tried to kill Harry, but for some reason, Harry survived."
Charity knew that story, of course: Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived. She hadn't known the awful details, though--the betrayal and heartbreak. Remus kept going, as if he couldn't stop.
"Apparently Peter went after Sirius, and that's when he killed Pete and all those Muggles in the street. He's been in Azkaban ever since--went straight there, no trial, nothing. I never saw or talked to him again. But in one day, my life fell apart: all four of them, gone--dead or imprisoned--and I was alone."
When she patted his hand, he squeezed it once but stood up and began pacing once more. "The first year was the hardest, trying to find work and just make it through day by day. Eventually things got easier, but I can't tell you how many times I'd settle down when someone would find out about me, and I'd have to leave." He gave her a look of sadness, but surprisingly little bitterness. "There are good people in this world, witches and wizards willing to give a werewolf a chance, but there are also cruel people, men and women too scared to look past one night a month. So I've spent the last twelve years walking, and sometimes running, away from every new life I tried to carve out for myself. Because no matter how hard I tried, something always went wrong. And now it's happening again."
Charity stood with him. "What do you mean?" she asked, and he took her hands.
"I said I could fall in love with you," he said softly. "And I think I have. Only there's still so much you don't know about me, Charity. My past keeps following me, it seems, and now even Sirius Black has found me. What had once been the best time of my life was ruined by him, and before he does it again I want to run. I can't help it."
"Remus." Charity took his hand and lead him to a nearby sofa. "I know how scared you are--"
He shook his head as they sat down. "I am not scared of Sirius Black, I--"
"--don't want to hurt anyone, and you don't want to be hurt, not again. Is that it?" When he nodded, she continued. "You have to trust someone. I know it's been hard, between your condition and what Sirius did, but you can give up. I know you won't hurt me, because I know you can't."
"Charity--" he started again.
"I love you too," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss him. "And I want to try this. I want to be with you. I want to trust you again, and I want you to believe in me."
"I don't trust myself," he murmured. "I don't trust myself to not hurt you, to not run again."
Charity sighed. "Then I don't know what to do, Remus. You're here and I'm here and I just don't see why we can't try to have that normal life you want but keep pushing away."
"I don't push it away!" he exclaimed, his eyes flaring briefly with anger as he tore himself away from her and stood. "It's ripped away before I can barely experience it. Do you think I like living the way I do, alone without friends and family? I hate it!"
"Then don't let this chance slip away," she said, standing and sharing intently into his eyes. "Don't run this time. Please."
"I couldn't stand it if something happened to you," he whispered, his voice breaking.
"I can take care of myself," she tossed back smartly, then softened her voice. "Or we can take care of each other."
"There's still so many things you don't understand about me," he said, but he ran a finger across her cheek, staring into her eyes.
"And there are things you don't know about me," she said, thinking back to her own experiences during the war, her life in France and the years since. Oh yes, there were things she had not shared either, but then, they were nothing compared to his heartache. "I'd like to know, though, and I'd like to share."
He shook his head, then unexpectedly stepped forward to kiss her, and she felt her heart drop into her stomach, it was so powerful, so passionate. Merlin, she had missed kissing him--missed him. With one kiss, she was more certain than anything that yes, she wanted to try this. She wanted to be with him, not matter what.
Pulling away, Remus laid his forehead against hers and smiled. "I would to," he whispered, kissing her gently. "Because I love you and I'm so sorry I hurt you."
Charity threw her arms around his neck and held him tight. "I know. And I'm sorry I wasn't more understanding…but you were a bloody git out there."
He laughed and nodded. "I was, yes. Thank you for even talking to me tonight."
"Of course," she replied, placing her hands on either side of his face. "I love you too, Remus. Which means we can do this."
"Right," he murmured. "Do what exactly?" He started to trail kisses along her jaw and down her neck, one arm reaching around to the small of her back and pulling her to him as his other hand caressed her cheek. "Because I have some ideas."
"I'm guessing they don't involve talking over dinner anymore," she replied, arching back as he kissed her collarbone, his hand moving lower behind her. She could feel his hips against hers and felt the familiar heat growing in her belly as she ran her hands down his chest, easily slipping off his outer robes.
"Not dinner, but maybe dessert," he said. "And wine--definitely wine." Her own robes fell to the floor as they kissed, their bodies pressed close together.
"I love the way you think, Remus Lupin," she murmured, letting him begin on her blouse. She in turn began to unbuckle his trousers.
"And I love you, Charity Burbage," he replied in return.
He slipped off her blouse and they tumbled to the sofa, where she quickly finished her work on his trousers. As they continued to divest one another of clothing, Charity pushed any doubts to the back of her mind, that she was making a mistake. Yes, he still had his secrets. Yes, he was a broken and possibly dangerous man.
But, yes--she loved him as well.
* * *
Almost by Gmariam
Chapter Endnotes: While I find it perfectly plausible the Marauders may have known about the Room of Requirement, I know certain others may not *coughcarolecough*. So let's say Remus and James found it on their own and didn't mention it to Sirius, which is why Sirius didn't mention it to Harry in OotP, okay? ;)
Besides, hopefully your special line makes up for it. I can hear Sean Bean's voice even now... ;)
See that white box? It's for everyone to leave those thoughts and comments we authors crave and desire and need so badly, especially when we're plugging along on chaptered stories. They are ever so loved and appreciated! Thank you!