Chapter 2 Devotion
Lily was tired of being in hiding, of being cooped up in this house day after day, with no end in sight. She knew that James was tired of it, too. He had been very edgy and moody lately. Thank goodness they had little Harry, their pride and joy, to keep them busy and entertained. He was a handful, toddling around the house, getting into everything, but he was so cheerful. His cheeky grins and peals of laughter made everything seem more bearable.
It was near the end of October one evening when Lily, looking for something to do, sorted through the clothes in their wardrobe. She found some old robes and brought them downstairs to show them to James, who was playing peek-a-boo with Harry. –What about these?†she asked, holding up some robes she had never seen him wear, –They look too small for you.â€
James glanced up. –Oh, right,†he answered, –I haven't worn those in years. You might as well toss them.â€
Lily searched the pockets first, and pulled out a small object. She looked at it carefully, recognizing it. –This is my father's fountain pen,†she said wonderingly. –How did it get in the pocket of one of your old robes?â€
–Oh, I forgot I left it in there,†James said while Harry giggled.
–Where did you get it?â€
–Snape gave it to me when I met him...â€
–You met Severus?†she said with surprise, –When?â€
–Oh, a long time ago. Just after we finished school.â€
–Really? Why didn't you tell me?â€
–I don't know,†he said with a shrug,â€I forgot.â€
–You met Severus, and he gave you my father's pen to give to me, and you forgot about it?â€
–Yes. Sorry. It didn't seem that important.â€
–Hm,†Lily said, frowning. –What did he say?â€
–Er... He said that you told him it was your father's and that you'd want it back.â€
–Hm... Where did you meet him?â€
–Oh, Lily,†James said, becoming exasperated. –What does it matter?â€
–Well, I'm just wondering... I find it curious that you met him and talked with him some time ago, and I'm just now hearing about it. Where did you meet?â€
–I met him...†James grimaced and put his hand on his brow. –All right. If you must know... I met him in the graveyard that night when you were going to meet him.â€
Lily's eyes widened and her lips parted. –You...â€
–Yes,†he said heavily, lowering his head, –I confess.â€
–You lied to me.â€
–Yes. I'm sorry. I had good reason, though-- at least, I thought I did.â€
Lily gave him a stern look, then bent down to pick up Harry, who was starting to fuss. –Come, sweetheart,†she said, carrying him upstairs, –You go to bed now, then Daddy and I are going to talk.â€
When she returned to the sitting room a few minutes later, James was sitting in a chair by the hearth. She stood in front of him with her arms crossed, her eyes narrowed. –Tell me about it,†she said quietly.
James sighed. –Lily, there isn't much to tell,†he said simply, –I met him in the graveyard--â€
–Why? Why did you go to meet him?â€
–I... I just wanted to find out what he was up to...â€
–And... What did you say to him?â€
–I told him to stay away from you. I said you didn't want to see him anymore... that he must promise not to see you or contact you, and he promised.â€
–What did you do to him? Did you curse him? Threaten him?â€
–No! I didn't, I swear!â€
–But you made him promise to stay away from me. How?â€
James closed his eyes and turned his face away from her. –He thought he was talking to you,†he admitted. –I used Polyjuice Potion.â€
Lily's eyes grew wide and her mouth fell open. –James!†she said, aghast. –How could you? What a horrible, deceitful thing to do! You went there as me, and made him promise me ...†Her voice trailed off and her eyes, unseeing, searched the room.
James nodded slowly.
–And that's why I haven't seen or heard from him ever since.â€
–I suppose so.â€
Lily shook her head in disbelief. –What else did say? Tell me everything.â€
–Ah, Lily... It was a long time ago... –
–Think. Remember as much as you can.â€
–Why is it so important to you?â€
–You met my old friend, pretending to be me... I want to know what he had to say to me, and what I supposedly said to him.â€
–All right,†James said resignedly, –Let me think... He said he wanted to see you. He said that you two should still see each other once in a while, just as friends. I told him I didn't think so-- that is, you didn't think so.†Lily nodded thoughtfully, but made no comment.
James continued, –I said, 'Aren't you and your friends planning to join You-Know-Who and become Death Eaters?' and he said no, he wasn't planning to. He must have been lying. I heard that he joined soon after that.â€
–Hm,†said Lily. –Go on.â€
–Well... He said something about not knowing what he was going to do. He said that... being with you used to make him feel sure of himself, like he knew what he was doing... but he didn't feel that way now.â€
–No wonder. He wasn't really with me then, was he? What did you say?â€
–I said I didn't know what he should do. Then he gave me that thing of your father's, and I thanked him. He said that he would still be your friend, in any case, and that if there was anything he could do for you... I said that all I wanted him to do was to stay away from me-- from you-- and made him promise that he would.â€
Lily seemed to absorb this for a moment before asking, –Anything else?â€
–Ah... Just before he left, he said that if you ever needed him for anything, to let him know. I don't suppose you'll be needing help from a Death Eater,†James added sarcastically.
–Is that all?'
–Yes. That's about all.â€
Lily walked to a cupboard, took out a bottle of brandy and poured herself a glass. Turning back to James, she said, –Thank you for telling me.â€
–I'm really sorry,†James said contritely, moving toward her. –Will you forgive me?â€
She stood at a window, staring out at the dark night.–Yes. I will,†she said, –But not quite yet.â€
James nodded and started to go upstairs. He stopped a moment, looked back at her and said, –I love you.â€
She gave him a small smile and said quietly, –I love you too, James.â€
When her husband was upstairs, Lily took her father's fountain pen from her pocket, found a piece of blank parchment and wrote, –Dear Severus, Please meet me Tuesday night, at the same hour, in the same place that we met the last time. Don't reply. --Lily.â€
She went to the kitchen window, opened it, and silently summoned their owl. After tying the note to the bird's leg, she sent it off into the night. She hoped that Severus wasn't far away, that he would receive the owl soon, and be there to meet her in the graveyard the night after next.
The next two days seemed interminable to Lily. While she was pensive and preoccupied, she tried to behave normally. James' seemed penitent, his behavior a combination of attentive service and cautious avoidance. He took over most of the child care and housekeeping duties, leaving her with less to do. It was a relief when Sirius stopped by for a visit Monday afternoon. He stayed for dinner and they talked, and he had fun playing with Harry. Peter came by Tuesday evening, but didn't stay long. After he left, and after putting Harry to bed, Lily sat in the sitting room with a book in front of her, but she didn't read. James tidied up a bit, then finally, just after eleven o'clock, he kissed her goodnight and went upstairs.
Lily had been thinking of Severus, and about what had happened between them in the months after they had finished school.
They had rekindled their friendship and were enjoying spending some time together, even as Lily continued to see James. She and Severus were just friends, she had reasoned. Its wasn't as if they were dating. But James was suspicious and jealous, which she saw as a sign of how much he cared for her. So, as a favor to James, she had almost completely stopped seeing Severus. That was when he sent the owl asking to meet her but, because of James' interference, she never got to meet with him that night. They had not had any contact with each other ever since. Until now.
She remembered how she had felt about Severus then. In spite of what she had told James-- and herself-- she was beginning to have more-than-friendly feelings for him. There was a genuine fondness, a closeness that was rooted in all the time they had known each other, and she knew that he felt the same for her. Even more, actually. In fact, to be honest about it, she had been aware that he was in love with her. But she was beginning to grow closer to James, spending more and more of her time with him. Now she wondered. Did she truly love Severus then? What if she had split up with James, and went with Severus instead? Would she have loved him as much, or more? Would they have been happy together? She asked herself these questions in a effort to sort out her feelings, but she didn't know how to answer them.
At a quarter to midnight, hearing not a sound from upstairs, she went into the kitchen. Standing in the middle of the room facing the door, she drew her wand and concentrated on the graveyard where her parents were buried. Then she Disapparated.
She had barely touched ground when a dark figure approached, a hand outstretched toward her, palm down. –Don't move,†said a voice. It was Severus, she realized with a rush of gladness. With his wand in his other hand, he began immediately to cast protective spells, walking in a large circle around the both of them. –Muffliato,.. Salvio Hexia... Protego Totalum...â€
he intoned. As she watched him, she was flooded with impressions and emotions.
Was he this tall before? His voice this deep? She suddenly realized that she had been expecting to see him as she had seen him last, as an eighteen-year-old. But of course, five years had passed since then, so his appearance now was both familiar and different to her. His face was much the same: the dark eyes, the long black hair-- now tousled and wind-blown. While still trim, he had put on a bit of weight, looking broader in the shoulder and more solid than the rangy adolescent he once was. Though he seemed more manly now, she knew that he was still her old friend as he turned to face her.
–Lily!†he exclaimed, full of concern, –Are you all right? Has something happened?â€
–No, nothing's happened,†she answered, –I'm all right.â€
–Are you sure?â€
–Yes. Well, I'm in hiding now, except that I've popped out for a bit. I didn't tell James-- he wouldn't have let me.â€
–I don't blame him. It's extremely dangerous for you to be out now,†Severus said, looking around the graveyard as he pocketed his wand.
–Well, I'm with you, so I should be all right...â€
His face softened a little, and he moved a bit closer. –â€What's the matter?†he asked gently.
She looked into his eyes and smiled, putting a hand on his arm. –Sev... It's so nice to see you again.â€
He smiled at her finally and said, –It's wonderful to see you again... But, why did you want to see me now? Do you need anything?â€
–No, I just wanted to talk to you,†she said, as he looked at her expectantly. –I've just learned... That is, I've just realized that the last time we met, I wasn't quite myself...†She saw realization dawn on his face, and she continued, –I don't want to explain what happened, because it's a bit complicated... –
Though it wasn't really complicated, of course. She could have explained in a few words that James had used Polyjuice Potion and pretended to be her, but she chose not to. She knew that telling him that would only make Severus furious with James, and she didn't want that.
–You weren't... Imperiused, were you?'†he asked.
–Oh, no. Nothing like that,†she reassured him. –But I really wasn't myself, and I'm afraid I said things to you that I wouldn't have said normally.â€
–You know, I did think that you were a bit... different. But I thought it was because you had been spending so much time with James and his friends.â€
–Well, it was more than that. Remind me, Sev, because I don't remember much of what we said. Did you say that you weren't sure of what you wanted to do since finishing with school, and that you thought I could help you with that?â€
–Yes. I did say something like that.â€
–And I said...â€
–That you had no idea of what I should do. That I had to work that out for myself.â€
–Oh, Sev...†she moaned sadly, –I should have helped you. I should have suggested something, or told you to talk to someone who could help you. Did you ask if there was anything you could do for me?â€
He nodded.
–And I said that all I wanted was for you to stay away from me, and I made you promise you would?â€
He nodded again.
–That's why I haven't heard from you since, isn't it?â€
–Yes.â€
She shook her head with regret. –Oh, Sev...†she said softly, –Did I tell you how much I cared for you?â€
He looked at her with wonder and shook his head.
–I really did, and I still do. I really didn't want you to stay away from me. I've missed you.â€
–I've missed you, too.,†he said, almost at a whisper.
–I was devastated when I heard that you joined You-Know-Who.â€
–The second worst thing I've ever done,†he said quietly, lowering his head.
–Oh... I should have told you to stay away from him!†she exclaimed. –You wouldn't have joined him if you had promised me you wouldn't...â€
–No, I wouldn't have.â€
–I said all the wrong things, Sev. I'm sorry--â€
–Don't be,†he said, his eyes downcast. –It wasn't your fault. I'm the only one responsible for the choices I've made, and I've made some very bad ones. Lily, I have something to confess to you-- something terrible... I'm the reason you're in hiding.â€
She tilted her head questioningly. –I was spying on Dumbledore,†he explained, –He was interviewing a new Divination teacher, and I heard her speak in a strange voice... It was a prophecy. It said... that the one with the power to defeat the Dark Lord would be born at the end of the seventh month, to parents who had thrice defied him...â€
Lily's eyes widened with realization.
–Lily...†he said despairingly, –I didn't know what it meant when I reported it back to the Dark Lord, but he was convinced that the prophecy referred to your son. There was no way I could persuade him otherwise. That's why he is after your son, to destroy the one who could destroy him.â€
She shook her head, her mouth open but unable to speak.
–The only thing I could think to do was to go to Dumbledore,†Severus continued. –I begged him to protect you-- all three of you. In exchange... he asked me to retain my place at the Dark Lord's side. I'm to learn what I can and pass any useful information back to Dumbledore and the rest of the Order. So... while to most of the world I'm still a Death Eater, I'm actually working as an undercover member of the Order.â€
She gasped. –But, Sev... That's incredibly dangerous. If they find out, they'll kill you.â€
–I know. That's why I don't intend for anyone to find out.â€
–Well, your secret is safe with me. I'm glad you're on our side now, but I'll be so worried for you...â€
–Lily, all you have to worry about is yourself, your child and your husband,†he urged. –When you leave here, go back to your hiding place-- don't tell me where it is-- and stay there. Use all the protective spells you can-- whatever Dumbledore has done for you. Stay hidden. Be vigilant.â€
–I will,†she agreed, nodding.
–Is there anything else you want from me?â€
–Just for you to be careful. Very careful. I suppose... I should go now. Sev...†she began helplessly, –I don't know when we'll see each other again...â€
She threw her arms around him, and he held her close. She lay her head on his shoulder, felt his chest rise and fall against her own, his hand gently stroking her hair. Shutting her eyes tightly, she felt the texture of his woolen cloak on her cheek and inhaled. It smelled faintly of wood smoke. Finally, with great reluctance, they released each other. She took a few steps back, preparing to leave.
–Goodbye, Sev,†she said, her voice quavering a bit.
–Take care, Lily,†he said softly, his eyes shining. –Stay safe.â€
–You, too. Be careful.â€
She drew her wand and thought about the kitchen in the house at Godric's Hollow. When she looked at Severus once more, he said something. It seemed to come from deep within him, as if it were a part of his very being. Something that he had lived with, day in and day out, every day since he had known her.
–I love you,†he said.
She gave him a small smile and replied, –I love you, too, Sev.â€
Then she Disapparated.
On the third of November, early in the evening, as the sky changed from the deep indigo of dusk to the dark of night, a chill wind blew through a nearly deserted cemetery. Only one person was present, a man in black who sat upon the ground, leaning against a gravestone. It was shiny slab of granite newly inscribed with the names –James Potter†and –Lily Potter,†along with the dates of birth and the date of death, which was the same for both. Piled before the gravestone was a rectangular mound of freshly dug earth, topped with several wreaths of flowers. It was on this mound that the man's unseeing eyes were focused.
The man was in his twenties, and seemed unkempt and unhealthy. His black hair hung in limp strands to his collar on either side of his sallow face, which was paler than usual. There were dark circles under his dark eyes, and his unshaven cheeks were slightly sunken, giving him a somewhat cadaverous aspect. He almost looked as if he were himself a corpse, waiting to be buried in the cold ground upon which he sat.
Suddenly, with a small pop, another person appeared not far away. This was a man in long robes and a cloak, with silvery gray hair and beard, and half-moon spectacles perched on his nose. He looked around the cemetery, and approached the man on the ground, who turned to look at him.
–Severus...†the silver-haired man said gently, –You can't bring her back.â€
The man called Severus didn't answer, slowly letting his gaze fall again to the earth in front of him. The newcomer moved closer, stopping right beside him. –Come, Severus,†he said, holding his hand out to him. –Come with me now.â€
Severus slowly raised his own hand. The older man took it and, with surprising strength for a man of his years, pulled the younger man to his feet. He looked into Severus' eyes for a moment and said, –Let's go,†then grasped him firmly by the wrist.
Then, in an instant, they were gone.