By: Shadowkat
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters you see here unless I put in a minor OC to further the story or is stated in an A/N. I am certainly not J.K. Rowling.
Hope...a simple word, only four letters long, a word that had been slowly drained out of him for twelve long years...
Joy...three small letters he never thought he'd get the chance to feel again...
Freedom...a word, seven letters in length, which would soon change everything...
A large black hound stood at the very edge of those three words, its storm-gray eyes staring past the waves buffeting the forbidding cliffs thirty feet below and out to a paper-thin line of sky blue, nothing but a frail pinprick of promise hovering on the rapidly darkening horizon. Needles of frigid rain pounded relentlessly on the dog's skeletal frame, and his once silky coat now hung ragged and matted, stretched thin over painfully jutting hipbones and ribs.
In reality, this dog wasn't a dog at all, but the most feared man in the entire wizard prison: The infamous madman and murderer, Sirius Black...and he was innocent, framed by the true killer and thrown in prison without so much as a trial.
A thousand emotions tore through his thin body all at once until the only thing he could think clearly about was swimming, swimming away from Azkaban, swimming towards Harry, his godson, and Remus, his only remaining friend that would ever so much as think to believe his story.
Black shifted his body uneasily. It would be full dark in less than an hour, and if they hadn't realized the dingy cell he'd slipped out of was empty by now than they certainly would soon. It was only a matter of time before his escape was discovered, and it was almost feeding time for Azkaban's guards.
Involuntarily, he shivered. Those creatures, they stole every emotion, left a person completely devoid of any feeling, their victims nothing more than empty shells of what they once were. They took everything but the cold, the emptiness...that was all they ever left you with. Sirius thought he'd never escape from it, never get the chance to feel anything again. The very thought of the cloaked, joy sucking creatures sent the worst of his memories flashing through his mind.
Sirius distantly registered the name Potter, painted Gryffindor red, on James' mailbox as he rushed past it into the splintered remains of the once whole two-story cottage. Then, there he was, walking over in a daze towards the lanky body of his best friend, dead in the smoldering wreckage of his home. His once bright hazel eyes were glazed over under round shattered glasses and messy dust-coated black hair. His pale face was twisted in a silent scream of horror from whatever thing he last saw in the bright green light of the killing curse.
In the distance he could hear James' son crying for his mother and father like a death bell as he broke down sobbing to the cold ground. He was too late, too late to save them. He was too late to do anything. Too late to help anyone.
Then, like in a dream, he was kneeling beside Lily, beautiful Lily, lying motionless on the ground in the remains of Harry's nursery. Her body was twisted at an unnatural angle, covered in dust and debris, red hair laying fanned around her head like a dark pool of spilt blood and her beautiful almond shaped eyes completely devoid of life. Lily, the fiery emerald eyed redhead everyone was always so drawn to, who Prongs had chased after since third year, and who had finally said yes in their seventh, was dead.
Sirius remembered the hot tears running down his face as he looked at her, at the woman who had become like a little sister to him, for the last time. He'd been the best man at their wedding, he'd seen the way she and James looked each other in the eyes as they said those two sealing words at the altar, and how they smiled as they exchanged their wedding rings and slipped them onto each other's fingers. He'd seen the joy light up their faces when they found out about having Harry, and the joy he himself felt when James asked him to be his son's godfather. Then, in one night, in one short night, everything that could have been was gone, ripped away from them, from all of them. She didn't deserve to die, neither of them did, and the blame always seemed to lead back to one person.
Anger welled up inside of him as he unconsciously bared his teeth at the pain that he had been put through, and all because of the rat...
Then, there he was, his former friend, framing him in front of all London, framing him for the murder of James, his brother by everything but shared blood, who had accepted him more than his own family. He was screaming, screaming lies and yelling that Sirius was the one who betrayed Lily and James to Voldemort, leaving his godson orphaned. Then, he watched, as with a twisted smile of triumph, the rat cut off his right index finger, caused an explosion that killed thirteen innocent bystanders, faked his own death, transformed and slipped unseen into the sewer, and added yet another fourteen names to the list of dead Sirius Black supposedly murdered in cold blood.
Sirius laughed, he couldn't stop laughing. Peter, clueless Wormtail, had outsmarted him. He'd won, and Sirius lost, he'd lost! Out of all the people that could have beat him, he'd lost to little stuttering Peter!
Sirius slammed his eyes shut and violently shook his head, clearing the images from his mind as a low growl of anger slipped unchecked from his throat. When he reopened them, they were no longer hollow. Pure hate tore through them like the lightning flashing overhead. Hate for the rat...hate for Peter, the little chubby faced boy scared of his own shadow that he, James, and Remus had defended all those years at Hogwarts...and it was all for this, all to be bloody stabbed in the back by the very person they had taken in!
His dark eyes narrowed. The traitor would pay, Sirius Black would commit the murder that he had been framed for, and he would enjoy every last sweet second of it as his canines ripped out the rat's lying neck. If the double crossing traitor wanted people to think Sirius was a murderer, then let him be …no one would ever believe otherwise. Pettigrew would wish the black dog he saw was a grimm when Sirius found him, that he promised.
His cracked bloody paws shifted restlessly on the gritty wet pebbles, sending a few scarlet specked stones falling over the cliff edge into the shifting gray foam below. The shape-shifter shivered, but not from cold. No, Sirius Black was warmer than he had been in years. It was fear, fear of what lay behind him.
He looked over his shoulder once more at the massive stone structure looming at his back, even at that very moment seeming to vacuum the life from the air around it, before turning to smell the salty sea breeze ahead of him. He could choose only one. Both choices held danger, but only one held hope.
He lifted his head and gazed back out to the sea, vast and never-ending, as the convict contemplated the last twelve years of his life on that cold gray rock, thinking of the Dementors that hovered silently outside his cell. He hated that place, detested it's very existence, but there, if nothing else, he was still alive. If he made the jump, however, there would be no guarantee it would stay that way. There would be no revenge and no freedom. He would never find his best friend's son, never explain his innocence, and everything he hoped for would be lost in one swift, deadly stroke as his bones splintered like toothpicks against the gray rocks of Azkaban's cliffs. The only ones who would ever believe him would never hear the truth, and the one thing he wouldn't be known as would be the one thing he was: Innocent.
It was the only thing that kept him sane all those years. The thought, that unlike the others, he was still innocent. But how much longer could he hold out, before he turned out like them? Even death in the cold sea was better than what waited for him on that cursed island. A leap of faith was his only option.
The word play had no meaning to the dead-eyed thirty-three year old...without another second of thought or hesitation he jumped. One way or another, he was now free.
Sun... Warmth... Life… Somehow, Sirius Black was alive...
The grim like hound stirred. Slowly, Sirius opened his eyes, feeling soft, wet sand molding to the shape of his thin body underneath him. Water was lapping sluggishly up his hind legs. He was still in his dog form.
Sirius lifted his head to the glare of the midday sun, warming his skin like a flame as his gray eyes surveyed his new surroundings.
White washed sand and crystal clear water stretched all around him as a thick line of green stood in the distance where sand melded together with dark dirt and soil. He turned his head back out to the ocean, ignoring the insistent pounding in his skull, to where a lone dolphin had jumped high above the waves.
Free, after all these years it wasn't a dream. He was finally free.
Memories rushed back to him, memories long forgotten. Memories of his friends, of happiness...it had been so long since he'd been able to remember. So long since he'd been anything but cold, seen any real light.
Slowly, he tried to stand, his four feet shaking to the point of buckling on the shifting footing. Trembling from snout to tail, he warily took a step forward, his paws sinking slightly in the damp sand as his weight bared down. Fear and adrenaline coursed through his veins, the feeling of it both enthralling and terrifying at once. It had been so long, so long since he'd seen the outside.
Suddenly he tensed, standing rigid with ears pricked and hackles raised at a sudden sound from above.
The dog looked up to see gray speckled seagulls drifting lazily overhead in the warm ocean breeze, the occasional seabird diving down to catch a fish in its black beak before rising up again into the blue backdrop of sky, the grey scales of its victim flashing brightly in the dazzling light of the afternoon sun.
He barked a laugh and felt his muscles relax. It was strange, so strange, how such a normal everyday sound as seagulls had become so alien to his ears; so strange to hear the sounds of nature, the quiet whistling of the soft sea breeze and steady lapping of the waves after all that time away. He had never been so fascinated by such simple sounds, so soft and gentle, so unlike the harsh screams and constant pounding of rain he'd become so used to after all that time locked away in his cell. He had a lot to get used to.
He tilted his head to the side, a wolfish grin spreading across his face as a couple of the white and gray creatures landed mere feet from where he stood. Relishing the feeling of his new-found freedom, a burst of pure joy burst through his body. He wagged his tail a few times and pounced right in the middle of the group, scattering the sea birds into panicked flight and sending gritty sand into the air.
Sirius let out a booming bark before bounding after them, his paws padding hard against the warm packed sand. The animagus barked another laugh as he rolled over, feeling every bit the dog as he looked. He chased the birds, savoring in the fresh air and the feeling of the sun spreading across his wet fur as he dashed across the stretch of beach.
In that moment, he was nothing but a wild dog, running rampant with the brutal joy of freedom.
After he had been forced to rest, Sirius sat in the sand for the rest of the day, the salt drying into white specks of crystal on his dark fur. He watched as the last rays of sunlight reflected their light on the shining ocean waves before fading into the dull gray of dusk and trotted off in search of a place to sleep. The escapee wouldn't dare try to go back to his human form, not with the chance of being found unaware and wandless at night. There was sure to be numerous Auror search parties out by now. He should know, working with James as an Auror himself once.
A pang of sadness swept through him at the thought of his late friend.
The stars were just coming out, shining pinpricks of white light in the vast blackness of the sky, when he curled up next to a large jagged gray bolder jutting out from the sand, its still lingering warmth from the day transferred to him, soothing his aching underused muscles.
Sirius was hungry, tired, and thirsty, but for the first time in a long time...he was happy. And so, it was with a large yawn Sirius Black shut his eyes and buried his head deep in his paws, drifting off into his first nightmare free sleep in twelve long years
He dreamed about a dog, a wolf, and a stag, pouncing and rolling over each other in the dew covered grass of a large moon-lit clearing. The large hound playfully wrestled the buck to the ground.
' I'll never forget you Prongs, and you'll always be my brother. I'll find him, Harry. I won't let you down, not again.'
In his dream the stag stopped wrestling and looked him in the eyes. Looked at him with hazel eyes.
Suddenly, the stag and wolf were gone, replaced by James, and Remus standing off by himself to the side, and Sirius was Sirius once more. It was his family.
Each of the men looked just as they had all those years before at age twenty-one, untouched by time or hardship. James with his black glasses and windswept inky-black hair and Remus with his tired blue eyes and light brown hair peppered with gray. He knew every line of their faces, every detail. He'd known them too long not to.
They stood there for what could have been hours or just mere seconds, a silent breeze blowing through the dreamscape and rustling the green summer leaves high above their heads.
"J-James...Remus..." A lump had formed in his throat, making it hard to speak around it. He couldn't believe it. They looked so real.
James smiled, just the way he used to, his wide hazel eyes shining in that familiar mischievous way they had under his round rimmed glasses, eyes that had seen more of him than anyone else ever had. A thousand mixed emotions turned in his gut, everything ranging from joy, to disbelief, to guilt.
"Sirius." He snapped out of his thoughts, seeing his friend's familiar face gazing back at him. "Sirius, you never let me or Lily down, and I'd never blame you for what happened. Neither of us would."
Sirius lowered his eyes. "No James, you should blame me. Prongs, if it weren't for me, if I hadn't convinced you to change your keeper-" Sirius sighed irritability and trailed off, looking up into the starry night-sky above him and remembering all the times they'd snuck out under those very same stars.
Those days were gone, and Peter wasn't the only one he blamed for it.
He looked back, back into those hazel eyes, the eyes that saw so much more than anyone had ever given them credit for.
"James, all you and Lily could have had...it was my fault you never got that. My fault that you...that you died." His hands trembled, voice cracked. It was his fault. He knew it was, knew all along. "James, everything that happened to you, to all of us, could have been stopped if it weren't for me. I should have seen it Prongs, if I had only seen it! They never would have found you or Lily or Harry...it was because of me. If I only hadn't been so stupid!" The bitterness and anger in his own voice surprised him.
He was angry, angry with himself as much as he was with Peter. It was something he had known all along, one of the things that made up the worst of his nightmares. In a way, he blamed himself more than Peter, because there was nothing he could do about it, because there was no way to fix it, because in that situation, at the time James had needed him most, he was useless, and that was something he hated more than anything.
Sirius glanced over at Remus and felt his heart ache.
The werewolf was watching them from under the shadows of the trees, as he had been the entire time they had talked. He hadn't spoken once. He stood, an air of sadness spread out around him like mist. His blue eyes had a look in them Sirius had seen far too many times, like an old man watching the world around him out of a much younger body, a body that would never feel like his own.
Remus Lupin had always looked older than his age, his sandy brown hair specked with gray for as long as Sirius had known him. There was so much pain, so much pain he couldn't prevent. James wasn't the only one he had hurt. Remus suffered just as much as any of them, because Sirius knew that he wasn't the only one who had to deal with demons these past twelve years.
"Remus," his voice cracked. "Remus, I should have known it wasn't you. I'm so sorry. It was Peter, I never even thought he would be capable of what he did, but I should have known it wasn't you. It never could have been you."
Remus looked at him sadly. "James is right, it's not your fault...none of us would have known. Clumsy little Pettigrew?" He laughed and shook his head. "No, it couldn't be. Not in a million years, not Wormtail...but it was wasn't it? Even if I had thought of it I dismissed the idea before it was even half way formed. It just wasn't possible. If you remember I'd always thought it was you. Sirius, we were all wrong. James is right, you weren't the only one he fooled, and it's not your fault." His lips turned upwards a bit. "Although, it would have been nice if you thought a bit before charging out into it like you did..."
"No, Remus, James, it is. I might as well have been all the things they say I am. I really am no better than my family. I should have done something, should have done anything! I should have-" Sirius was cut off. Before Sirius knew what was happening James had rushed forwards and his arms had wrapped themselves around him.
Sirius tensed, tears still streaming down his face, but he never tried to break out of it. So they just stood there, two brothers, together. It had to be a dream, but he felt James arms, felt them just as if he was really there. Nothing made sense, nothing was adding up.
His mind was swimming, and just as he felt like he would fall James pulled away and grinned, his hazel eyes dancing.
"Padfoot, you talk too much, you know that?"
"James…"
James shook his head, his hazel eyes softening. "There are always things we should have done, but what's happened has already happened so stop blaming yourself. There's nothing for us to forgive." He smiled again, the same mischievous lopsided smile Sirius knew as a kid, and it hurt, hurt to see it again after so long.
Sirius just stood. He didn't trust himself to speak anymore. He felt James' eyes burrowing into him, and soon he felt a hand on his shoulder.
"Sirius, I know you. You've always hated everything your family stood for, I watched as you went out of your way to go against it at every chance you found. Trust me Sirius, you couldn't be like your family if you tried. You're my brother, and nothing that happens will ever change that. Maybe we aren't related by blood, but as far as I'm concerned that's never mattered. You're my brother, and nothing that happens will ever change how I feel about that." Sirius looked back up and felt his gaze slide between his best friends. It didn't make sense... James smiled sadly. "I don't have much time left, so just promise me one thing. Protect him. Find Harry and protect him. That's all I ask." Sirius looked between his best friends, mouth agape.
James, what-" But he never finished. James stepped back beside Remus and Sirius sucked in a breath as, with one last smile from his two friends, the dream started to fade. First, the lush green forest disappearing into an endless white landscape and then his two friends started vanishing just as fast. By now they had become transparent, nothing but fading ghosts of memories gone by, something you could pass your hand through and get nothing but a fist full of cold air.
Sirius ran forward, stumbling as his legs moved out from under him, never seeming to gain any ground but instead seeming to be getting further and further away with each step.
"No! No wait! James, Remus, come back, please!" It was no use, because it was too late. They were gone. Everything was gone, all but a single lingering whisper drifting through the white.
"Find him, promise me Padfoot. Just promise that you'll find my son." He stopped running, and a cold hand tightened around his heart. Tears threatened to fall down his face as he stared at the last place he saw his friends, his brothers, his family. Sirius was alone once more.
What happened wasn't just a dream. It was too real for that. He'd felt the wind blow across his face in the clearing, he'd felt James' arms wrap around him just as Sirius' own did around James after Prong's parents died, he'd felt the tears about to fall down his face just as he did the day he found Lily and James dead in their home twelve years ago. It couldn't be just a dream. It was too life like to be a dream.
He stared out into the white.
But if it wasn't a dream, what was it? Remus didn't know anything about Peter, and James...
A determination filled him as Sirius stared down at the last place he saw his friends, his brothers, his family.
I will, Prongs. Even if it kills me I will...I'll find Harry, and I'll protect him. This time, I won't fail.'
Sirius Black woke with a start, looking around frantically in a short moment of panic before remembering where he was. It was still dark and the moon shone high overhead, almost full, reminding him of his werewolf friend.
Sirius wondered how he had done without the rest of the Marauders there for his monthly transformations. He was the reason they had all learned to change, after all, to be with him. It must have hurt, he knew that much. But there was nothing he could do about that, either. It must have been almost as much of a hell for Remus on those nights as it was for himself. Just one more thing he'd been powerless to prevent.
'And Remus still thinks I'm a murderer...'
With a whimper of longing for his family, he rose from beside the bolder and, head down, set off away from the dark waters of the ocean. He knew what he had to do. He had to set things right.
Harry: He needed James' and Lily's son to know what really happened that Halloween night when his best friends were murdered.
Remus: He needed to make it up to an old friend, a friend worthy of the trust he instead placed on the shoulders of another, to let him know the real truth of what came between them so long ago.
Peter:Â He needed to commit the murder he had been imprisoned for, the murder of the traitor who so uncaringly played his part in the deaths of his own friends, his own family, the one who had caused all his pain and the pain of so many others.
Then, and only then, could he finally accept what would happened to him, whatever that may be. If he was found, if he was taken back, even if he was given the Dementor's kiss, those three things were the least he could do before he lost it all, because only then would it be worth it.
'I promise you James, whatever it takes I'll protect him. Then I'll find Wormtail, and I'll make him pay.'
In his mind he silently prayed he wouldn't be too late.