*
James gave a half smile as Catherine continued chattering away, throwing in a 'uh-huh,' or 'wow, that's interesting' once in a while to appear as if he were paying attention. She was a friendly girl, with curly brown hair and warm hazel eyes. She was very pretty and several years his senior, enough that he did not remember her from Hogwarts. They were both in the Auror training program, and to top things off, Catherine was also a big Quidditch fan. They had enough in common to allow for easy conversation, enough different to keep things interesting. James had asked her to dinner several weeks ago and things had gone well. Well enough, in fact, that the pair had continued to spend time together, and was now strolling down Diagon Alley, getting in a bit of early Christmas shopping. James was very fortunate, Sirius assured him, to be in such company. James himself was not quite sure of that, however. He certainly liked Catherine-- she was pleasant and attractive and confident. There was just something missing. Something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Something he had only found in one place before, and was quite sure he would never find again.
Perhaps it was because he had unwillingly let his mind stray to Lily Evans, but he could have sworn he had seen a flash of red hair in the crowd ahead. It couldn't be, he hadn't seen her in nearly a year (though he grimly recognized it had felt like quite a lot longer than that). Wasn't she supposed to be off in France or something?
James strained to catch a glimpse through the bustling crowds. It was! Lily Evans was back in England! In fact, Lily Evans was a mere fifteen meters away! Christmas shopping on the very same busy alleyway as James himself! And she was coming this way. James's stomach did a tiny backflip. Of course, things hadn't ended well between them. When she was close enough that he could reasonably assume she could hear him, he shouted out to her. He tried to keep it light, even though he understood perfectly well that a friendly greeting would not be returned, given what had happened. He braced himself for one of the famous Lily shout-outs, maybe a small punch in the gut, or at least a few well-placed insults.
What he was not prepared for was a cold hard stare in the other direction. She did not even give a second glance as she passed by, keeping in step with the crowd headed deeper into the village.
Catherine curiously looked from James to Lily and back to James again.
"Who's that?"
James blinked, confused at the complete lack of response from the person who had, indeed, once been his very best friend. He swallowed hard, willing himself not to look back at Lily's retreating figure.
"Just somebody that I used to know."
***
Later that night, James was lying in bed awake. It was well past midnight, and he knew that he needed sleep. His brain seemed to be working overtime, he felt confused and slightly nauseous about what had happened earlier that day.
The sudden run-in with Lily Evans brought James back to somewhere he did not want to go, did not feel prepared to go. It reminded him of what he had lost, reminded him that things would never be the same. He had not been expecting to run into her, but if he had, he would not have imagined this. He thought she would have been angry. Maybe she hated him. But her cold unresponsiveness had pierced him deeper than he had thought possible. Indifference was worse than hatred.
He knew she had been hurt too. He knew that it was not easy on either of them, how it had ended. He knew the tears she had shed, the regret she had felt, the ache that had never quite left. But he also knew that it was her fault. The ball was in her court. He had offered her everything he had, and she had left it. Quite literally, walked out of his life without a backward glance.
James had never known that this kind of pain existed.
And so, he had tried to forget. Move on. It was impossible, of course, but he had to try. For his own sanity. He had pulled out all of his memories of her, guarded them carefully in a stone basin that sat on the bottom shelf in the cabinet that was tucked into the corner of his room. These were the memories that now drew him out of bed. He slid out from under his covers, tiptoed barefoot across the room, tugged out the heavy basin, and let it clunk to the floor in front of him. The silvery contents swirled in front of him, emitting a ghostly white glow. He prodded the contents with the tip of his wand, and slowly figures began to form on the surface. The image of Lily's thin, pale face reflected in his glasses. He knew what he needed to do.
James took a deep, staggering breath, and then plunged headfirst into the penseive.
Platform 9-3/4 materialized right in front of his eyes. He saw eleven-year-old James fidgeting nervously, standing between his parents, staring wide-eyed at the brilliant Hogwarts Express.
James watched his younger self grow up, reliving his childhood memories, one after another. A handful of kids on a train, heading to school for the first time. A pretty, redheaded, muggle-born girl who insisted on hanging out with the odd-ball, greasy-haired Snape. The young girl slowly turned into a beautiful young woman, and James's younger self slowly began to pay a bit more attention.
James watched Lily turn up her nose as the Mauraders let loose several bright blue doxies during History of Magic. He remembered the awe he had felt when he had discovered in Second Year that Lily had actually managed to beat him on a Defense Against the Dark Arts test. He watched himself, as a skinny thirteen-year-old, muster up all the courage he had to ask Lily to the first Hogsmeade weekend. He watched himself laugh off her rejection with Sirius, knowing that inside, he was torn up with disappointment and humiliation.
The pattern continued, James constantly seeking the spotlight, constantly trying to impress, constantly trying to catch Lily's eye. Thankfully, he succeeded. Not so much in the way he had hoped, but at least he had her attention. Lily Evans despised James Potter. And while it was far from having her as a girlfriend, he was assured that she spent every day thinking about him. The pranks continued. The constant badgering for dates. The smirks and ruffled hair and showy Quidditch moves. James wanted to groan at how immature he had been as a young teenager. But really, it had all played a part in what had happened next.
Finally, at seventeen, he had grown up.
"Hey Potter!"
"Had a good summer, Potter?"
"Alright there, James?"
James gave a short nod in greeting to those he passed as he weaved through the crowds of Hogwarts students clustered about on Platform 9 -3/4. There was an excited buzz in the air, as owls hooted dolefully, friends called out to one another and parents gave last-minute reminders. There was an urgency in his step as he made his way toward the scarlet steam engine. As he stepped into the train, his hand drew up to the badge on his chest. He fingered it absent-mindedly for a minute, and then carefully unfastened it, slipping it into his jeans pocket. He found the compartment he was looking for, and realized with a jolt, he had also found the person he was looking for. Lily Evans was sitting on the far end of the compartment. Already dressed in school uniform, James could see a glimpse of the Head Girl badge pinned neatly to her robes. She was as beautiful as ever, but James could see that there was something different about her. Something was wrong. Rather than sitting up straight and proper, in true Lily Evans fashion, she was leaned up against the window, staring absent-mindedly into space. She was not smiling or frowning, but rather had some sort of blank, worn look on her face. Her hair, normally perfectly tied back or carefully combed, was a bit disheveled.
James took deep breath, and opened the door.
"Hello, Lily."
She jumped at the sound, apparently not expecting visitors. She looked tiredly up at James.
"What do you want, Potter?" she sighed.
"Lily, what's wrong? Something's wrong."
"Look, even if I wanted to talk about it, I would certainly not discuss my personal matters with you, Potter."
"You know you can trust me, Lily. You know, we could be friends."
Lily gave a cruel, cold laugh that pierced James to the very bones.
"James Potter, we will never be friends."
James didn't move. He studied the pale face in front of him, the fiery red hair that made his stomach flip, the brilliant green eyes, now shining with tears and rage, the thin, rosy lips that had just barely uttered those hateful words.
"Look, Potter, this is the Head's compartment. Get out of here before I give you give you detention. I'm supposed to be waiting for the Head Boy."
Still James did not move. Slowly he reached into his pocket and felt his fingers hit the cool metal. He pulled out the small badge, clutching it in his palm. Finally he reached out his hand to show Lily. James gave her a sad smile.
"I am Head Boy."
*
James watched as they started the year off together. Slowly their relationship became a little more amiable. They managed to get through Prefect meetings without a major row. James could not help but grin as he saw the gentle flirting, the light laughter that they shared as they made rounds.
He experienced the same butterflies in his stomach, the same tingling feeling he had once felt as he watched himself wrap his arm around the beautiful Lily Evans for the first time, as they huddled on the overstuffed couch in front of the Common Room fire, talking about their hopes and dreams and fears well into the night.
James's heart felt as if it were about to burst as he passed through flashes of memory after memory.
Lily wearing a deep green turtleneck, laughter dancing in her emerald eyes as they inched closer under the mistletoe, enchanted snow falling softly in their hair.
James's last Quidditch match as a Hogwarts student, Lily standing in the front row of the stands, beaming and cheering with the rest of the crowd as the Gryffindor team hoisted James on their shoulders after he secured an amazing victory.
A lazy day by the lake, fully enjoying the beautiful spring weather and relishing in the end of exams.
And finally, the memories James could not, would not face.
"Well, this is it. Our last year is finished." Lily said reminiscently, clearing away the last few stacks of parchment after the final Prefects' meeting. James looked around the recently vacated compartment, staring more into space than at the empty seats. They were on the Hogwarts Express for the very last time, heading away from school and into the unknown.
"What are you going to do now?" James asked, more out of habit than lack of information. The question had been so thoroughly over-asked amongst the seventh-years, James could probably recite by heart the tentative plans as well as doubts and fears of his fellow Gryffindors. Of course, none of them actually knew what they would do. At least not until N.E.W.T. results were in and applicants were selected for the various training programs.
"Well, you know, I'm looking to spend some time outside of the country," Lily said slowly. This was not news to James. He was aware that Lily was hoping to pursue a career in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. However, he was unaware of how he fit into these plans. Particularly since he was looking to begin Auror training that summer.
"Lily, what should we do about, you know, us?"
This question had also failed to go unasked. However, it had yet to be answered. To James, it felt as though time was running out. Lily's indecisiveness frustrated him. He desperately wanted answers, plans, reassurance that the progress he had finally made, they had finally made, would not go to waste.
"James, I just don't know!"
James inwardly sighed. He had been waiting and hoping for the day she did know, that she was able to commit. He knew it was hard for her. He had been planning for their life together for seven years. Lily had six years of solid dislike under her belt, with only the past six months to get used to the idea of dating James Potter. James fingered the tiny jewelry box in his robes pocket. It wasn't time yet.
*
James knew what was coming next. He resisted as the next memory formed around him.
He was in his own backyard, standing in a little clearing surrounded by fragrant rose bushes. Live fairies twinkled merrily as dusk began to set. His younger self was carefully laying out his mother's best china, setting the small white table for two. Two long, thin candlesticks stood elegantly between the place settings. He carefully nudged each silver fork, knife and spoon into the proper place, decidedly not using magic to prepare for this special night. He knew it was going to be one of the best nights of his life.
An indescribable pain hit James right in the gut. He could not do this. This was one memory he could not relive. Not now. Not yet. He thrust himself out of that memory and into the next. James's jaw tightened as Lily's sunny, yellow-colored bedroom formed around him. Crisp white lacy curtains adorned the windows. A matching bedspread was laden with various piles of carefully-sorted clothing.
"James, we're done," Lily said simply. She was calm and in control today, her temper in check after the shouting match that had taken place between the pair just the day before. James watched helplessly as she bustled about her room, folding robes and organizing books in her old school trunk. She'd be leaving for Portugal the following day.
James had apparated right into Lily's bedroom, large floral bouquet in tow, with the intention of apologizing and making up before she left. Lily had coolly accepted the apology but did not offer her own.
"Lils, come on, I just don't understand." James could not believe what was happening. It had seemed impossible in their childhood that they would ever get together. It now seemed even more impossible that they would ever break up. He could not imagine a lifetime, or even several months, without Lily at his side.
"James." Now Lily's voice was shaking. "James, it is just not going to work. You're looking for marriage. You're looking for commitment. And I can't give you that right now."
"Just forget yesterday," James said desperately, "Let's back up, start over..."
"James. You proposed. I can't just forget something like that." Lily sighed. "Besides, it wasn't just yesterday. It's every day. You've been pushing for this ever since we got together." Lily paused. "Actually, even before we got together."
James knew she was right. He just couldn't understand how she didn't see it, didn't feel it, didn't know it was meant to be. For him, it was just so obvious. And so he fought for her. He had won. But now he was losing her again.
*
The real James Potter could not take it anymore. He pulled himself out of the penseive and clattered to the floor, shaking and out of breath, tears unwillingly streaming down his cheeks.
He had just let her go. Granted, he had tried. He hadn't wanted her to go. But she had left, Lily Evans had ran out of his life, and for the first time, he hadn't chased after her.
And now Lily Evans was just somebody that he used to know.
*
James arose just a few hours later, after a fitful night of little sleep. He made his way to the office, distracted, mulling everything over in his mind. He barely smiled as Catherine greeted him cheerfully.
He knew that he needed to do something. It hadn't been a childhood crush or a teenage infatuation. Whatever he had with Lily, it was real. It was something that could not be duplicated.
Sorry, Catherine.
And now he knew Lily was back. Perhaps for the holidays, perhaps for a while. He distractedly paced his small cubicle, trying to figure out what to do.
Maybe she was here, in the Ministry. He was halfway out the door, focused on nothing but getting to the Department of International Magical Cooperation, when he realized that a work-place confrontation was not ideal. No, it had to be in a more personal setting. Not with anybody watching. It would have to wait.
*
James did a nervous tap-dance outside the door. He was not entirely sure Lily even lived here anymore. He knew she had talked with Marlene about getting a flat of their own after Hogwarts. But this was her parents' house, and it was nearly the holidays. He was willing to bet she was home. Gathering his Gryffindor courage, he knocked on the door. It slowly creaked open. To his surprise, it was Lily Evans herself.
James had expected her to slam the door in her face. Lily looked as she half-expected herself to slam the door as well, but she held back. James's breath caught in his throat- she was as stunning as ever. He tried not to think about how soft her hair was, how smooth her cheeks were, how warm her hand had felt when intertwined with his.
Lily was looking anywhere but up at James. Finally he spoke.
"Lily," James said hoarsely. "I'm sorry. For everything. You don't need to talk to me ever again, I understand. I shouldn't have pushed you or encouraged you. I was an ignorant, love-sick berk, and I got carried away. But I can't move on without seeing you one more time. I need to know that there is no chance. I need to hear it from you, again, now, after all this time, I..." Here James's voice faltered. "I still love you, Lily."
There. He had said it. He studied her face, looking for some kind of reaction. There was none-- she was as stone-faced and blank as ever. She still would not look him in the eyes, determinedly examining her shoes. Heart pounding, he turned to leave. He paused when he heard Lily awkwardly clearing her throat. Slowly, he turned around.
She was looking at him now. She opened her mouth. It was several long moments before the words came out. James waited, unsure of what else he could do.
"You know... that night..." James looked into her eyes and knew they were both reliving that candlelit evening, the one memory James had not been able to face, the one that was supposed to start their lives together but instead ended everything.
"I wanted to say yes," she whispered.
Somebody That I Used to Know by crumple_horned_snorkack
Chapter Notes: Set a short time after James and Lily leave Hogwarts. Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything related. The premise was very loosely inspired from the song "Somebody that I used to know."