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Archie and the Muggle Saleswoman by MJ_Padfoot

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Story Notes:

Thank you to my wonderful beta for editing this two years ago! . . . Please forgive me for not knowing your name because the email is long gone and your name was nowhere to be found in the corrected file. So, whoever you are, thank you so much!

And as always, please review! ~MJ
It is a truth universally acknowledged that a wizard in want of a pair of Muggle trousers is in want of a visit to the World Quidditch Cup. It isn’t always clear why this is the case, but for some odd--and maybe even peculiar--reason, for Archie Clearwater it was. The Daily Prophet had advertised it very clearly:

MINISTER OF MAGIC NOTES ATTIRE FOR WORLD CUP


–We are expecting a large crowd in attendance of the World Cup and are requesting that everyone comes in Muggle attire. We will not let anyone in if this requirement is not met. Also, for security reasons, a Muggle campsite host will be present and in order to prevent any suspicions, we are also requiring that there be no use of wands,” said Minister for Magic, Cornelius Fudge. –If these rules are not kept, it will only complicate things and raise suspicion if this precaution isn’t followed.”

If you have any questions or concerns, please contact the Ministry of Magic’s Magical Law Enforcement Squad.

To read more about Muggle attire and the World Cup, turn to pages 5 & 6.


Today, we find our protagonist Archie Clearwater, sitting at his kitchen table finishing the Daily Prophet’s article on the proper attire for the World Cup. Archie, who was planning on attending the World Cup, knows of the importance of following Ministry regulation since he had once worked for the Ministry as a security guard. The only way that he could truly follow the Minister’s request was to simply go Muggle clothes shopping. If he didn’t, it would prevent his childhood dream of attending a World Cup game.

~*~

The next day, Archie rose at an early hour to research the where and how of the average Muggle shopper. This simply meant that Archie would be observing the way that a Muggle would pick out his robes--or whatever the Muggles called them--and what to do when one got to the strange mechanical machine that made the cha-ching noise after every purchase. This would be an adventure that Archie would never forget.

If Archie had a wife, he knew that she would call him crazy for making such a fuss over an unimportant thing. But luckily for Archie, he was not married. Though, he was interested in a certain cat-obsessed witch by the name of Arabella Doreen Figg. However, Archie’s so-called love life wasn’t a priority, unlike attending the World Cup.

But no matter, Archie was prepared for what the day was to bring. He had worn his finest Wizarding robes for the occasion. Archie’s first stop of the day was at a common clothing store. He had over heard some Muggles saying that this was called a charity shop. Archie had wondered what that had meant, so he let his curiosity get the better of him and that turned out to be one of the greatest mistakes of his life.

It was a curious thing walking into a thrift store for Archie. A little jingle was made by the door as he walked in and a blonde curvy Muggle woman greeted him.

–Good morning, sir,” she said in a perky voice. –What can I help you find today?”

Archie stared at her in awe. She was wearing what looked like a Wizarding robe. It was a dark purple with yellow polka dots and had a green belt tied around the waist. She was wearing bright green heels and a necklace as an accent to the dress. If any fashionable Muggle or Witch were to see her outfit, they would most likely refuse her help since her sense in fashion wasn’t up to the standard. However, Archie did not know this.

–Well, I . . .” Archie started. His hands were sweating and he could feel his throat starting to get tight. He hadn’t planned on buying anything today. –I’m just looking today, thanks.”

The woman raised an eyebrow. –Oh, certainly, but don’t look too long without trying anything on.”

Archie nodded and walked to the nearest clothing rack. The rack was full of colorful suits. Greens, yellows, pinks, and even oranges were all lined up according to the spectrum of the rainbow. Archie looked around to see if anyone was watching him. He felt very self-conscious, since this was his first Muggle shopping trip.

Noticing a group of Muggle men who were waiting outside of a dressing room, Archie found himself watching their every move. The men would sit or pace back and forth until a woman walked out of the dressing room. Once she walked out, they all would sit up straight and smile. One of them would then say that he loved the dress on her and that it was perfect color for her. Others, on the other hand, weren’t so pleased with the other women who walked out--Archie couldn’t blame them for that.

One lady, who was much heavier than the others, walked out in an outrageously vibrant colored dress and asked what they thought. No one spoke for a long time. Finally, one of men got brave enough and said, –Dear, I don’t think those colors go well with your complexion.” She frowned and then marched back into the dressing room and didn’t come back out for several minutes.

Nobody said anything but Archie knew from the glances that were exchanged that they would be there for several more hours. Archie, after observing this for a long time, finally came to the conclusion that if he was going to find the right robe for himself that he would need the men’s opinions. He knew that they would be honest with him, since they were honest with the women. Archie began to look around for the robes that the women were wearing.

Just as he was walking around the corner, he discovered a section that containing peculiar articles of clothing. He looked up and saw a sign that said, –Lingerie.” Archie paused for a moment, admiring the colorful bras. Quickly coming back to his senses, he continued in the opposite direction in search for the robes.

After looking for some time, Archie came close to giving up. Thankfully, the Muggle saleswoman ran into him. –Are you lost?” she asked.

Even though he knew that he was, he would not admit it. –No, I’m fine, thanks.”

–Well, you look lost,” she said. –What are you looking for exactly?” Her lips were pressed together.

Archie began to get the feeling that she did not like him whatsoever. He didn’t see the point in trying to argue with her so he answered truthfully. –I’m looking for something comfortable to wear for the Wor--” Archie paused, realizing that this woman was not a witch –--for a very large event--something like what you’re wearing.”

Shock appeared all over her face. –You’re looking for a dress?”

–Didn’t I just say that?” Archie said irritably.

–Yes, yes. Of course, you did.” She flashed him a quick smile and then said, –Right this way, sir.”

The saleswoman led him to the dress section, near the lingerie. Archie felt uncomfortable near the lingerie, but was put at ease when he saw some nice brown, plain dresses that looked like robes.

–Thank you,” said Archie.

–You’re welcome. Now, what color and cut were you looking for?”

Archie realized that the next several minutes were going to be tedious if he didn’t somehow get rid of the Muggle.

–Well, I . . .” he began.

–Oh, don’t worry, darling.” she said with her glistening smile. Her eyes were wide open. –You’ll look smashing once I’m done with you.”

~*~


Several minutes later, Archie found himself in the dressing room trying on dress after dress. He’d come out after every single one and would have to walk in ridiculous shoes with a tiny heel on them. Archie had more people watching him than what he had expected. Not only did he have the men staring at him giving their quiet comments, but the woman had joined in too.

–Archie dear, do come out. I’m sure that this is the dress.” said the saleswoman. She had loudly told everyone that Archie was attending a large event where it was required of everyone to wear a dress in protest of trousers. She was a strong supporter of this upcoming event. In fact, she had even taken the liberty of giving him her number so they could meet up afterwards and discuss the event. Archie didn’t bother to explain to her the real reason for buying the Muggle attire. Instead, he simply went along with it in his most grouchy manner.

Looking in the mirror, Archie saw that he had on one of the plain brown dresses that he first noticed. It was most certainly his favorite out of all of them--especially the length He had tried on dresses that went all the way down to his ankles and some that stopped at mid-thigh. –I think this is the one,” he said in agreement. –I really do. I really like the nice breeze ‘round my--”

Laughter burst from his small audience. He knew that he had probably pushed the limits of his association with the Muggles, but he couldn’t help himself. He entertained them, from twirling to doing a peculiar walk.

–Privates,” he finished quietly. Archie, as much as he was enjoying himself, wasn’t sure how much longer he could last.

Finally, he unlocked the door and walked out. Cheers and whistles came from the Muggle audience. –Well, what do you think?”

–This is my favorite one, Archie,” said one woman.

–It flatters your figure very well,” said another.

–It doesn’t wash you out like that salmon one did if you like it, then let’s take it up to the till.”

Archie nodded and then walked back into the dressing room.

At the till , Archie was glad that he had come prepared with Muggle money.

As she finished the transaction (the cha-ching noise had him fascinated), she noticed that he hadn’t brought up any of the heels that he had tried on. –You must buy the brown shoes to go with the dress,” she said in a very insistent voice.

By this point, Archie was very tired. He knew that there was no point in arguing with her. He handed her a wad of bills and said, –Well, if you count it all out, then I’ll buy it.” The saleswoman beamed and began to count out the large sum of money.

After what seemed to be the longest day of his life, Archie arrived home in one piece. He was sure that he never would have survived in the Muggle world if he had been born as a Muggle. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case. As Archie put away the article of clothing that he had purchased at the Muggle thrift store, he was grateful to know that after all the trouble of modeling the dresses, he would at least be in the best Muggle fashion for the Quidditch World Cup.
Chapter Endnotes: Thanks for reading and don't forget to review! :) ~MJ