we now bring you
the tenth installment of
A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers
Draco was happy to see Hermione. He still didn't know why he liked her. He reckoned that love was just another of life's many mysteries which would never be solved.
But there was still a part of him that despised Hermione's bossiness. Also, he couldn't quite shake off his prejudice toward Muggles. And who could blame him? Muggles were undignified and dirty--and quite a bit lower on the evolutionary ladder. This was a proven fact; there had been many studies conducted over the years to verify this claim. Okay, so a lot of those studies were funded by the Malfoy family, but that didn't necessarily mean anything.
And even if it did mean something, there was plenty of other evidence to be found. Unlike Wizardkind, Muggles had an astonishing ability to forget their own history. It was as if they just couldn't be bothered to keep track of anything that happened more than a century ago. Just take the Greek scholar Eratosthenes, for instance. After he had generously taken the time to measure the circumference of Earth, the Muggles of Medieval Europe spent the next millennium persisting that the world was flat as a pancake.
'Yes,' Draco thought. 'Muggles are the stupidest creatures on earth. But Hermione is smarter than most, and she's pretty, despite what the other Slytherins say.'
The line had dwindled down, and Draco approached the fountain. The cold water running down his throat felt so much more gratifying after a hard workout. His body was alive now, invigorated, and free of stress. This was how he felt after a good Quidditch practice.
Draco wiped the sleeve of his shirt across his mouth and stepped away from the water fountain. He decided it would be a bad idea to tell the girls about the larghe vedute serum right now. They seemed friendly with him at the moment, and he didn't want to risk anything by telling the truth. He didn't know about Ginny, but he knew for sure that Hermione would kill him for giving her a potion without her knowledge--especially a potion that allowed her to befriend her mortal enemy.
Draco calmly stepped out of the dining hall and joined the others, giving Remus Lupin a respectful nod.
Ron and Harry stumbled back onto the veranda, Harry in slightly better shape than Ron because of his Quidditch training. Ron gasped, "I can't go on!"
"Yes, you can," said Harry.
"No, I can't," wheezed Ron, clutching a stitch in his side. He reached for his wand.
Lupin warned them, "And don't think about casting any endurance spells. This is going to be a purely non-magic lesson. If anybody uses a stamina charm, they will not be allowed to participate in Tae Kwon Do for the rest of the week."
McGonagall nodded and gave the students a stern look. Ron put his wand back immediately.
When all the students had returned, Lupin said to them, "I never realized how sedentary a wizard's life was. They should give you kids some physical education. That's what they have at those Muggle schools, anyway."
"What's physical education?" asked Jessup.
"You play sports, like football and rugby," answered Lupin.
"But they don't have Quidditch," said Harry. Quidditch was the only sport that Harry was any good at.
"No, no they don't," admitted Lupin. "They don't teach martial arts, either. It might be a good thing if they did, though. There's too much competition among student athletes these days. Tae Kwon Do does have some elements of competition, but the idea is not to beat your opponent, but to have respect for him or her and to constantly learn from each other. Once we enter the dojang, any differences that exist between us in the outside world disappear.
"Now that I've said all that, I'm going to show you some ways to fake out your opponent and take them down. I saw this one at a major tournament a few years back; a friend of mine used it." Lupin got into a fighting stance, bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet.
"You just pretend that you're about to throw a spinning kick, but instead of doing the kick, you turn about very quickly and come back to your original stance--" He demonstrated this, and then said, "This will draw your opponent in--they come in to attack, and then you throw a real spinning kick to the head when they're least expecting it." He then whipped around and aimed his foot at an imaginary target.
Hermione gasped. "You kick people in the head, Professor Lupin?"
"They're wearing helmets," he said, hoping that would make it sound better. "Although, at this particular tournament, his opponent was almost knocked out, and... that was the end of the round. But it was a legal kick, so he was not disqualified. So, yes, it can be violent... but no more violent than a lot of Quidditch matches."
Marvin asked enthusiastically, "Can you punch them in the face?"
"Um, no," said Lupin. "I mean, you can do that if someone is trying to mug you on the Underground, but in a tournament, that would earn you a deduction. Not a good thing."
Marvin was still intrigued by the idea of punching people. "So it's not like boxing?"
"No."
"That's no fun," the boy complained.
Lupin stated, "Tae Kwon Do is not about knocking people unconscious. At least, not in tournaments. Although, you could slip it in if the judge is looking the other way. You know, a well-placed upper cut to the jaw..."
And with that, Remus Lupin went up another notch in Draco's book.
"But you didn't hear me say that," said Lupin. He noticed that Draco Malfoy was looking at him with something resembling respect, and this worried him. "You all look well rested now. Let's do some kicking drills. Professor McGonagall, would you hold this target for them?" Lupin had selected a padded target in the shape of a racquetball paddle, and he held it out to her.
McGonagall eyed him warily. "And why must I hold it?" she asked.
"Because you're my assistant, of course," replied Lupin.
McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously at the students. "What if they kick me?"
"Um, Madam Pomfrey's around here somewhere," said Lupin, craning his head in the direction he imagined the nurse's station was in.
"What?"
"I said, they're good. And... they're not going to kick you," said Lupin unconvincingly.
McGonagall scoffed. "If you think I'm going to do this, you better think again."
Lupin pleaded with her, "But Professor, you haven't done anything all morning. All you've done is stand there."
"And your point would be?"
"Here, just take it. Do I have to give you the Roman goddess of warfare speech again?" asked Lupin.
McGonagall declared, "I am not the goddess of war!" She hiked up her skirts and scampered away. With a glance back she saw that Lupin was following her. She yelped and ran faster.
Lupin chased after her. "Really!" he shouted. "It's not that big of a deal. You're such a wimp, Minny."
McGonagall said nothing. She was still fleeing from the fourth degree black belt, as he was still intent on leaving her to the mercy of eleven uncoordinated witches and wizards.
The first year Jessup nudged Harry and said, "Oh, look at them. They're so cute together."
Harry chortled. He repeated this to Ron, who immediately burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Lupin kept in pursuit of McGonagall, chasing her in circles around the veranda.
Jessup was so pleased with his successful joke that he decided to repeat it, to the teachers' great dismay.
"Oh, no," McGonagall laughed. She and Lupin abruptly stopped to catch their breath.
"You do! You make a good couple!" said Ginny.
"No! Don't say that," Lupin exclaimed.
"Is this part of the lesson?" Draco inquired, with a sly grin.
"No, no it isn't! Professor McGonagall is not cooperating," declared Lupin. "Cooperation is essential for martial arts, and yet, she refuses to listen to me."
McGonagall snatched the target out of his hands and transfigured it into a bouquet of flowers.
Lupin said, "McGonagall has no respect for her senior black belts, as you can plainly see. If she were not a professor, I would give her detention."
McGonagall smiled more broadly.
"I shall have to think of an alternate punishment then," said Lupin. He sniffed the flowers and said, "They're very nice, Professor McGonagall, but you are supposed to be my assistant, and all you're doing is distracting the students."
"It's holiday," explained McGonagall with a wave of her hand.
"I know." Lupin smiled. He turned to the students and said, "You all know I was joking, right? I'm not a stuffy old codger like Snape. I'm the fun professor. And it's Christmas Eve; I'm not giving anybody detention."
Lupin eventually got the lesson back on track by breaking a board and awing everyone into silence. Actually, it's fairly easy to break a board, but they didn't know that.
Curiosity had driven Hagrid to drop by and watch the Tae Kwon Doists. He peeked around the corner of the open door, and his great, big, bushy beard gave him away instantly.
"Hagrid! How are you doing?" Lupin greeted his old friend.
Hagrid beamed. "I'm good. An' you?"
"Couldn't be better," said Lupin. "Would you care to join us?"
"Oh, I don' think I could. I on'y stopped in ter see what yer doin'. I've never seen karate before," said Hagrid. "I'm on my way to put these signs around the lake." The signs read, 'DANGER--Angry Sea Squid.'
An idea suddenly came to Lupin. "Say, could I borrow one of those signs?" he asked.
"Sure, what for?" asked Hagrid.
"I'm going to break a board."
It was then that Rubeus Hagrid had a glorious daydream. He was a free-roaming karate master taming and befriending wild dragons, traversing the Japanese countryside with his fire-breathing companions and quelling evil karate villains. "Is there anythin' I can do?" he asked.
"As a matter of fact, yes. You can hold this board for me. I would ask McGonagall, but I seriously doubt that she would be willing," said Lupin.
Hagrid needed no further encouragement. He followed Lupin's instructions and firmly clutched the top and bottom of the board.
Lupin stood back and brought his hand behind his ear. "This is called a knife hand strike," he said. "Someday you will be able to do this too, my young grasshoppers."
Lupin slowly brought his hand to the center of the board a few times, gauging the angle and power that was needed. Then with the edge of his palm he broke through the wood in one swift motion, dividing the board into two clean pieces. He placed his hands at his sides and bowed to Hagrid. "Kam Sahm Needa."
Ron whispered to Hermione, "What does Commsamnida mean again?"
"It means 'thank you,'" whispered Hermione.
Hagrid stayed to watch the rest of the lesson after the board breaking demonstration was over, and McGonagall was quite pleased to have company on the sidelines. Lupin taught the children two more self-defence techniques against single hand wrist grabs before dismissing them for the day.
Four students were momentarily detained. A tall, black figure suddenly loomed in the doorway, blocking the only means of egress for Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. Harry's nose was an inch away from the dark fabric of a wizard's robes; he looked up and saw a familiar crooked nose, two piercing gray eyes, and a smug smile. Oh, no. He knew that look.
McGonagall detected a sweet, cloying scent in the air. It was like flowers. She sniffed around, and her nose led her in the direction of Severus Snape. His hair smelled like flowers again, just like yesterday! It was all washed and groomed, and--and pettable!
Snape caught her looking at him, and she narrowed her eyes. Lupin inquired, "Yes, Severus? What do you want?"
"Potter needs to come with me immediately," Snape ordered. "The Headmaster seeks an audience with him."
"What is the matter this time?" asked McGonagall.
Snape answered promptly, "I suspect he was sneaking around in my office last night."
McGonagall turned to Harry. "Harry, is this true?" She would be highly surprised if he said anything other than 'no.'
Harry shifted. He looked back and forth from McGonagall to Snape to Lupin to Hagrid...
"Er, um. No," he denied.
Snape gave him a cold look and said, "Lying won't get you anywhere, Potter. Come along; the Headmaster is waiting."
Harry gulped and looked despondently at Hermione. She wore a confused expression.
The Potions master marched his newly acquired prisoner toward Dumbledore's office.
"Well, that was odd," remarked Lupin.
Hermione wouldn't let Harry's arrest put a stopper on their plans, though. She was still fully intent on getting Lupin's job back.
"So, I guess we'll be going now," she said, looking at Ron and Ginny.
"Right," Ginny said brightly, and the three Gryffindors filed through the double doors of the dining hall and headed for the laundry room. They had agreed during water break to hold their meeting in the laundry room, as they expected to have the most privacy there. Who would be washing their clothes on the day before Christmas?
***
Hermione, Ron, and Ginny had engaged the help of Elaine and Elizabeth in their project, and they were now all assembled in the cellar laundry room. They had been making small talk for fifteen minutes, and the role of note taker had been assigned to one of the girls, since Ron's handwriting was mere chicken scratch. Other than that, nothing much had been accomplished.
The unmistakable voice of Draco Malfoy sliced the air like a knife. "Well, what have we here? Three Gryffindors, a Ravenclaw, and even a Hufflepuff."
Ron asked, "What are you doing here, Malfoy?"
"Nothing is complete without a Slytherin," answered Draco. He looked at Ron and said, "I changed my mind about Lupin. I think he is the best man for the job--after Snape, that is. And that's why I'm here, to help him get his job back."
"Is that all?" Ron asked, his voice laden with suspicion. The rest of the students waited expectantly for Draco's reply.
"What do you mean, 'is that all?'" said Draco, more than a little miffed. A year ago, he wouldn't have lifted a finger for Lupin, and now here he was trying to do something nice for the man, and they couldn't even show him the smallest amount of gratitude.
"That can't be your only motive," said Ron.
"I'm also hoping that McGonagall will lighten up our Transfiguration load," admitted Draco.
"What does that have anything to do with our plan?" demanded Elaine, the seventh year Ravenclaw.
Draco said to her, "A McGonagall getting laid on a regular basis is a lot nicer than a McGonagall giving us loads of homework on a regular basis."
Ginny noted, "He has a good point."
Elizabeth nodded.
Draco said, "I really do want to help. I think if we all sit down and put our heads together, we should be able to come up with something."
Hermione looked at him with admiration. Here was her man--taking initiative! How sexy.
The six students each pulled up a chair and gathered around the table. Hermione ran a hand through her fluffy brown hair, as she was wont to do when trying to concentrate on something. "So to start us off, does anyone have any ideas they'd like to share?"
Elaine got her quill at the ready; she took her role as note-taker very seriously.
Ron said, "This could be like SPEW, and we could make multi-colored pins for people to wear."
Hermione said, "I was thinking along the lines of something more effective this time."
Ron tried another idea. "Or we could hold a demonstration in the Front Foyer--for Dumbledore to see."
Ginny said, "And get Rita Skeeter to come, too. She could write about it in the Daily Prophet!"
"Interesting tactic," Hermione said tactfully. Somehow, she found it hard to believe that Rita Skeeter would help them after the girl had trapped the Animagus in a glass jar last year. But hey, it was worth a shot...
Elizabeth tried to brainstorm, but her mind was a blank. Why did it seem like everyone else could think of things at the drop of a hat? And then suddenly, she found inspiration. "I could draw the posters!" she said. "The banners and the posters for the demonstration. I'd make them really big, I promise."
Hermione smiled, feeling that the project was getting underway. "That's smashing. I'd love to see the whole foyer covered in them."
Ron was happy that Draco hadn't made any suggestions yet. Ha! He was ahead of the blonde by two points!
A loud noise erupted behind them. Elaine jumped, and her quill skidded across the paper in a jagged, blotchy line.
"What was that?" exclaimed Ginny.
Elaine stood up and took one look at the washers. She groaned, "Not again," and raced over to her laundry basin. She tapped the brim with her wand and raised the lid. Elizabeth rushed to her side to help her.
"What's the matter?" Draco inquired, to the girls' surprise.
"I don't know," said Elaine. "It won't do the spin cycle. I was never very good with that charm, and it doesn't help that a million people use this washer every day!"
"If you'll allow me, ladies," said Draco suavely as he withdrew his wand.
Elaine grimaced at him. "Oh, and what do you think you can do that I haven't already tried?"
"Watch, and maybe you'll learn something." He gently stirred his wand in the air in a counter-clockwise motion and recited, "Lavatura metere d'accordo." The familiar hum of the spin cycle resumed, and Draco smiled. "Also, if you want to keep your clothes from fading, I'll let you in on another secret. Fizzy Laundry Charming Flakes. They make everything fluffy soft, too. Here, feel my robes."
Draco leisurely extended an arm. Elizabeth looked at her friend Elaine and giggled. She gingerly touched the long, black sleeve of his cloak and declared, "They are soft."
...to be continued