we bring you
the eleventh installment of
A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers
because, let's face it, you're probably addicted to reading this story
Remus Lupin turned to Hagrid. "I want to thank you again for helping out," he said.
"Oh, it was nuthin," insisted Hagrid.
"These children these days, it's so hard to keep their attention sometimes," Remus said. "I don't know what's on their minds."
Minerva interjected, "Really? It wasn't that long ago that you were a pupil yourself, you ought to remember--"
"Well, of course I have some sort of idea--my lord, what is she doing?" Remus wondered aloud as he saw Madam Pomfrey running through the dining hall. The house-elves who were busily mopping the floor dropped their buckets and scurried away so as not to be seen.
"Minerva!" cried Madam Pomfrey as she burst in upon them, looking flushed and winded.
"What is the matter this time?" inquired Minerva with a slight note of annoyance.
Poppy paused to catch her breath, and then she said, "The children--I tested their blood for drugs, and I found traces of opiate! Oh, dear. How could they have snuck it in? Where did they get it from? Those poor, poor children. How could anybody--"
"Did you say opiate?" Remus cried in disbelief.
"Yes! Draco Malfoy had the most of it," said Poppy.
"And Ginny?" inquired Minerva.
"She had some as well, but not as much as Draco and Hermione."
"We need to tell their parents," said Minerva.
"Oh, dear. I suppose we have to," said the nurse. "I hate that part of my job."
"If you don't mind, Poppy, could I have a look at the samples myself?" asked Minerva.
"Oh, of course. Right then, come along." Poppy turned to leave, expecting the Deputy Headmistress to follow straight away.
McGonagall gave her sweetheart a lingering glance. "I won't be long," she told him.
"I know you won't," he murmured.
She beamed at him, slowly backing away. Then she departed with Madam Pomfrey.
Hagrid took a step toward Remus. "Well, if it isn't one thing, it's another," he muttered.
Remus grunted. Hagrid interpreted this as a sign of agreement, which it was. "Now, see here. I bet it was Draco Malfoy who bought the drugs. Always those rich kids who buy the expensive stuff, they get the money from their parents."
"I never heard of any drug problems when I went to school here," said Remus.
Hagrid scratched his beard. "Come to think of it, neither did I."
"Are we losing our memories?"
"No, I don't think so," said Hagrid uncertainly.
"Maybe I'm just choosing to remember the good parts, like that saying goes with 'rose-colored glasses,'" suggested Remus.
"No. If there ever was a drug problem, I'd a remembered it," said Hagrid, more certain this time.
Remus Lupin nodded, stroking his chin. It was covered in soft fuzz--the beginnings of a beard. He was letting his sideburns grow out as well, for Minerva had said she liked the way they looked on him.
Hagrid suddenly remembered that he had unaccomplished work. He frowned and said, "Wish I could stay and chat an' have a drink with you, but I've got more work to do."
Remus glanced up at the signs in Hagrid's hand. He wondered what had happened to make the sea squid so angry, but did not ask questions. "Well, it was nice talking to you. I'm sure we'll see you at supper."
"Oh, for sure," said Hagrid.
"Take care," said Remus.
Still leaning out over the porch railing, Remus Lupin heaved a sigh. His lungs filled with the sweet, intoxicatingly fresh, country air. It was beautiful here at Hogwarts, nestled among the hills of the Scottish Highlands. He'd hardly had time to appreciate its natural beauty as a student, and even less as a professor, but the memory had somehow endured.
It was chilly at this time in December, but his heavy wool robes kept him warm. Strange how being at Hogwarts among the forest and Quidditch field and all the old familiar comforts could make him immediately feel at home again. Of course, Hogwarts seemed different to him in person than in his memory, but it was still beautiful. He hoped that it would stay this way forever--or at least for the next few millennia.
***
Up in the office of Hogwarts' notably eccentric Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore was scrutinizing the fifteen year-old boy who sat before him--none other than Harry Potter. The youth was trying to make himself comfortable in an over-sized, antique chair while being stared at by Severus Snape.
At the moment, Snape was presenting his evidence. "My office was broken into last night and clearly ransacked. I distinctly remember locking it up when I left at the end of the day, but this morning I found it unlocked. And my watering can was lying on the floor, knocked over by some clumsy student. There was water all over the floor."
Dumbledore put on a curious expression. "What, may I ask, do you do with a watering can?"
Snape glared back at him. "I water my plants."
"You have plants?"
"Yes. Does that surprise you?" growled Snape.
Dumbledore quickly shook his head. "No. Not at all. Harry, where were you last night?"
"I was asleep in my room. With Ron," replied Harry.
"Well, if that's all you have to say, Harry, then you may leave. Go have fun with your friends. Professor Snape, it appears that you were mistaken."
Harry murmured, "Thank you, sir," and began to rise out of the high-backed chair.
A nonchalant drawl broke the relieved atmosphere. "Sit down, Potter, or Ah'll break ya fingas," Snape threatened.
Harry collapsed into his seat and grasped the armrests with trembling hands. Such a strange threat! Professor Snape usually addressed them with, '(Insert Gryffindor name here), why did you let that cauldron boil over? Ten points from Gryffindor!'
Dumbledore noticed the frightened look on Harry's face and told him, "Oh, Harry. He doesn't really mean it."
"It's not that, sir," Harry said. "I was just surprised at his--Professor Snape's change of threat. Usually it's, 'Ten points from Gryffindor.'"
"Oh, I see," said Dumbledore.
"I don't know if I can get used to this one," Harry went on. "Four and a half years of listening to the same expressions; I--I just can't switch horses midstream. It's too late for that."
Snape suggested, "Well, how about this one? Ten points from Gryffindor, or Ah'll break ya fingas!"
Harry squirmed. "It's an improvement."
"Thank you," said Snape.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Professor Snape, why did you order Harry to sit down?"
"Because we have more to discuss," growled Snape. "I found this on the floor of my office last night." He held out a tiny piece of silvery, luminescent fabric.
Dumbledore gently examined this piece of cloth. "This is part of an Invisibility Cloak," he declared. He looked at Harry; his eyes had lost their luster.
Harry was dumbfounded. How had this happened? Weren't magical things immune to rips and tears? Did Snape have an Invisibility Cloak as well? Or did Harry and Ron accidentally tear the one Harry owned? If so, how could it--
The shroud, last night it had been tossed upon--
"Do you have anything to say to the Headmaster, Mr. Potter?" inquired Snape.
Harry gulped. "Yes. I--I'm very sorry, but it had to be done," he began.
Last night, they must have tossed the cloak upon the mice cage! Those little vermin, they could chew through anything with their sharp teeth!
"What had to be done?" asked Dumbledore.
"Well, I guess I had to tell you sometime or other," said Harry. "Professor Snape was hiding a dangerous, three-headed snake in that box he brought back from Hogsmeade yesterday."
Snape laughed.
"It's true!" Harry's eyes glared angrily. "He's keeping it in an aquarium in his office, on top of a picnic table! And he feeds it live mice!"
Dumbledore was now paying close attention. "What did this snake look like?"
"It was orange and black, and it had giant fangs!"
"The boy is delusional. I have no such creature," proclaimed Snape.
Dumbledore continued his inquiries. "Did the snake speak to you, Harry?"
"Yes!" cried the boy. "She told me a lot of things. She told me that she's descended from the snake that belonged to Salazar Slytherin! And she mentioned you, Professor Dumbledore! She said that you were hiding her from Muggles because they want to use her in cloning experiments!"
"Why would they want to do that?" asked Dumbledore, suddenly confused. Up until the last statement, Harry's description had made sense.
"Because this snake, it's dividing right now. It's asexual, and it--it divides an' stuff," Harry said.
"Really?" Dumbledore raised his dignified, white eyebrows. "Well, I have something to tell you, Mr. Potter. I was in Professor Snape's office this morning, and there was no aquarium, no snake, and no live mice."
"Oh?" Harry felt as if he'd been played a mean trick.
"Yes. Not only was his office lacking in dangerous beasts, the creature you described does not exist. There are no asexual, dividing, orange and black snakes in the real world. And I also find it highly unlikely that a snake would keep a record of its family tree. Even more unlikely that it would be linked to Salazar Slytherin," said Dumbledore.
Snape was as pleased as Punch.
Dumbledore concluded, "It's much more likely that you invented this story as a way to get out of trouble, Mr. Potter. To distract me from the fact that you broke into Professor Snape's office. You will have detention for this."
Harry gasped.
Snape added, "And count yourself lucky that nothing was missing."
Dumbledore jotted something down on a piece of paper and handed it to Harry. "You will be serving detention with Dobby in the kitchen. You are to scrub the pots and pans until lunchtime."
"Yes, sir," murmured Harry. He arose and walked toward the door in a daze. This wasn't supposed to happen! And with Dobby, nonetheless! That annoying, non-matching, self-liberated house-elf. Of course, Dobby meant well, and he was quite fun at times, but to spend a whole morning with him washing dishes! Snape would pay for this.
"What is getting into the children these days?" said Dumbledore, shaking his head in wonder.
"Merlin knows," Snape muttered sullenly.
"First Granger and Malfoy and Ginny Weasley in the Prefects' Bathroom, and now Harry Potter gallivanting all over the grounds," continued Dumbledore.
"If I may point out, sir, this is not the first time," Snape noted.
Dumbledore, as usual, paid no attention to the wizard's perpetual moroseness. "I would like to know the root of all this energy. In the absence of any external excitement, the students seem to be creating mayhem out of nothing... I would be very interested indeed."
"It is the sickness of adolescence," declared Snape.
"Ah, but whereas you see the goblet as half-empty, I see it as half-full," said Dumbledore. "Perhaps these shenanigans are the elixir of youth, and not its sickness. In the absence of the Dark Lord's reign of terror, we can realize what it is to rejoice. They have seen death; they have mourned the loss of Cedric Diggory, and now they are realizing how good it is to be alive. The joys of everyday life, once taken for granted--the frivolity, the for--"
Snape rolled his eyes. "Headmaster, you have forgotten your place, which is to discipline the students, not admire them."
"Tsk, tsk. You do admonish me so," Dumbledore said. "If you don't learn how to agree with me, you'll never get that Defence Against the Dark Arts position you desire."
"Oh, but--"
"Now, Severus. Don't deny it, we all know it's true," Dumbledore said firmly.
"I never said--"
"Your assignment this January is to learn how to ingratiate yourself with me. Get in my good graces by displaying tactfulness and sincerity," Dumbledore told him. "Too often your sarcasm turns people away, and your brutal honesty is merely repugnant. If you think yourself clever, why don't you prove it to me?"
"What more shall I do? What more do you demand from me?" Snape questioned angrily.
"Just as I expect you to make certain all of your students pass their Potions exams, I expect you to learn the delicate art of brown-nosing."
Snape made an abrupt sound that resembled a cough.
It was at this time that Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey arrived on the scene. Dumbledore let them in, not oblivious to the way Severus was staring at Minerva. 'Oh, no. This is not boding well for harmonious employee relations,' the Headmaster thought.
As the two witches entered, Dumbledore said brightly, "Ah, my lovely ladies. Rejoice today, for tomorrow you could be dead."
Minerva and Poppy hardly fluttered an eyelash; they were well used to his oddities by now.
"Headmaster Dumbledore, I--we have something to report," the nurse announced.
Albus Dumbledore raised a silencing hand. "If it has anything to do with three-headed creatures of demonic origin, I don't want to hear about it."
"No," said Minerva. "It's about health matters."
Poppy nodded.
Minerva prompted her, "I believe this is your terrain."
"Oh, yes. Well, you see, this all goes back to the Bathroom Incident," said Poppy, a faint blush appearing on her cheeks.
Dumbledore nodded, waiting for her to elaborate.
"Having tested the children for several other spells and charms, I decided this morning to analyze their blood samples using forensic methods," explained Poppy. "I checked the calibrators and controls thrice over, so everything is quite accurate. I then ran a few screenings, and one of them came out positive."
"Positive for what?" inquired Severus.
"Opiates," came the nurse's shocking reply.
Severus crooned innocently, "Albus, what was that you were saying about the Elixir of Youth?"
Albus Dumbledore pretended to ignore him.
Poppy boasted, "I utilized my new Immunoassay Kit that just arrived from Diagon Alley."
"So you're positive that all three of them were under the influence of opiates?" Dumbledore asked.
"Yes," said Poppy. "After the presumptive test, I used my Aer Grafocolorare Pondus Iris-Aspectus Modicus 2002 to evaluate the actual molecular structure of the drug. It proved to be a derivative of the Snapping Opium Poppy, which only grows in Northern Morocco and a tiny sliver of Turkey."
Dumbledore requested, "Could you repeat that name--what did you use? Some Air Grapho thingy majingy...?"
"The Aer Grafocolorare Pondus Iris-aspectus Modicus 2002," she promptly repeated.
"Er, what does that mean in English?"
"Gas Chromatograph-Mass Spectrometer," Poppy translated.
He looked no more enlightened than before.
"For short, we call it the GC/MS," said Poppy.
Dumbledore brightened. "Ah, GC/MS. Excellent."
Minerva suggested, "Albus, do you think it might be a good idea to begin random drug testing? I know it's a little extreme, but I don't think we ought to sit around here doing nothing."
"The difficulty with random drug testing it that, essentially, it is an invasion of privacy," said Dumbledore. "Also, it would have to be approved by the School Board of Trustees, and you know how long it takes them to agree on anything.
"I believe that we should simply put stricter controls on the property entering Hogwarts. Whatever they took had to have entered the school doors. I will have Professor Flitwick charm the doors into setting off a silent alarm whenever they sense these Muggle 'drugs.'"
"That's brilliant," cried Minerva.
Dumbledore turned to Severus. "Did you see that?" the Headmaster exclaimed jubilantly. "Did you hear the way she said that? Perfect timing and intonation! That's what I mean when I ask you to brown-nose."
"Oh, now I understand," proclaimed Severus with mock enthusiasm.
"That's it precisely!" Dumbledore beamed at him.
"Albus, what do we do with Hermione and Ginny and Draco?" asked Minerva.
"Well, we should--um--let them be for now," advised Dumbledore.
"What? Why--?" cried a perplexed Minerva.
Dumbledore assured them, "It's all for the best. Draco Malfoy is finally acting civilly among his peers. Gryffindor and Slytherin are at peace. It's moments like these that I treasure. Please--let me hold onto this."
"But, what about Hermione?" demanded Minerva. "Draco may be using her! She's young and naïve."
"Malfoy is certainly not using Granger!" yelled Severus. "He's a Slytherin. He has pride."
Before Minerva could counter, Dumbledore exclaimed, "I said, please let me hold onto this!"
Minerva glared at him, her eyes stone-cold. "This is serious, Albus. We're not talking about your old school days and your 'experimentation with the mind-expanding drugs.' We need to find out where the opiates came from."
Poppy and Severus both stared at her in amazement. People rarely spoke to the Headmaster in that fashion.
After catching his breath, Dumbledore admitted, "You're right, Minerva. Where would I be without you? We will contact their parents immediately--"
"No!" yelled Severus.
"Pardon?" said Dumbledore.
"I know where they got it from," declared Severus, "and it's all my doing. I taught Malfoy how to brew a potion as a make-up assignment. It had a trace of Snapping Opium Poppy in it, but it was mixed with whale blubber--which cancels out the addictive properties of opium."
The three listeners were puzzled. Why hadn't he spoken up before?
Dumbledore inquired, "What kind of potion is this?"
"Larghe Vedute Siero, Open Mindedness Serum," answered Severus. "A Level Eight Potion. It does no harm to the brain whatsoever. As I told Malfoy, if he feels compelled to take it, then the only thing he's addicted to is being open-minded."
"Well," the nurse exclaimed. "Wonders never cease!"
"I'm summoning Flitwick, regardless," said Dumbledore. "This all goes to show how susceptible we are to these Muggle substances. They could easily be hidden in a robe or a suitcase--brought in under our very noses!"
Minerva was still puzzling over something. "I still wonder," she said slowly and deliberately, "how Hermione and Ginny were administered the potion. Professor Snape, you say that you taught it only to Malfoy. You leave the rest to conjecture. Tell me, why would Hermione dabble with such a potent potion?"
The wizard set forth one of his prefabricated theories, "I can explain that, Minerva. Hermione Granger is very clever, and with such intelligence comes a deep thirst for knowledge. She must learn about everything she can. She soaks up stimuli like a sponge."
Minerva raised a single, slim eyebrow. Severus went on, "Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley both know what they're getting into. I can't believe you'd accuse my pupil of anything so dastardly. To insinuate that Draco Malfoy would force it upon them is low--very low, Professor McGonagall."
"It takes one to know one," she breathed.
Severus opened his mouth to tell her off, but he stopped himself short as the prospect of a promotion crossed his mind. Insulting the Deputy Headmistress wouldn't look very good on his resume, now, would it?
Dumbledore seemed to be coming to a conclusion--and sure enough, he was.
"You mustn't teach this potion to any more students, Severus," he said firmly. "It is a mind-altering potion and it carries a great deal of responsibility. It makes people change their attitudes toward social class, something that is usually so firmly established that it cannot be altered. Mixing with students outside of one's clique--it's unheard of! Without any kind of system for social ranking, there will be mass orgies every night. The students' sexual urges will be uninhibited."
"But I thought you approved of that," Severus remarked sarcastically.
"I approve of natural, healthy relationships between two people who respect each other. I do not approve of mass orgies and you know that, Severus. Now, bear with me," said Dumbledore. "You three are to keep quiet about this. Severus, tell Malfoy and the girls they are not to share their 'stash' with anyone else. Just tell them it's too dangerous to share with the school population at large."
"I shall," said Severus.
As he and the two witches made ready to leave, Professor Filius Flitwick entered. "What did you want, Albus?" he inquired.
"I need you to put a charm on the doors to keep out Muggle narcotics," said Dumbledore.
Filius Flitwick nearly fainted. "But--I don't think there's a spell for that, sir."
"What? There has to be," said Dumbledore.
"I don't even know any narcotics..."
"Well, look into it."
"But I was going to charm the Christmas tree ornaments today!" cried Filius, looking heartbroken.
"Into doing what?" inquired Dumbledore.
"Singing four-part harmonies. I'm teaching them the entire score of The Pajama Game," explained Filius.
"If you can do that, then I'm sure you can teach the doors about narcotics," said Dumbledore soothingly. "Now, everyone get out of my office. You're making dear Fawkes claustrophobic."
They all looked up at the Phoenix, who was perched on a bookshelf and nibbling at the pages of an atlas.
As the foursome departed, Dumbledore muttered to his frazzled self, "What does The Pajama Game have anything to do with Christmas?"
***
Professor Flitwick was still in the dark as to what had transpired in the office prior to his being summoned, so Madam Pomfrey filled him in on the details during their long walk back from Dumbledore's chambers.
At the end of her tale, Severus Snape proclaimed, "I'm sick of hearing about Granger and Malfoy. It reminds me of the time Lily Evans had that annoying crush on me."
Filius told him gently, as if breaking the news to some poor, deluded child, "Lily never had a crush on you, Severus."
"I beg to differ," Severus grunted.
Hesitantly, Filius remarked, "But I thought she only liked the guys who had bands."
After an expectant hush, he added, "And James, of course."
Severus asked him leadingly, "Then why was she always stealing my textbooks?"
Minerva cried, "What? I thought you were just forgetful and left them behind in the classroom. And Lily Evans... was a very conscientious girl. One might say too conscientious."
"No!" yelled Severus. "She hid them on me, and then she'd pretend to find them and slip into Slytherin quarters just to see me."
Filius nearly tipped over from laughing.
"I'm serious," said Severus. "She was extremely annoying. How would you like to have an uninvited Slytherin invade the Gryffindor Common Room?"
Minerva said in disbelief, "Lily go into the Slytherin Common Room? Lily Evans? We are talking about the same Lily, right?"
"And sometimes," Severus added, "she would go into the boys' dormitories. It was an outrage, I tell you. I was taking a nap one day, and she jumped on my bed, no warning at all--"
Poppy cried delightedly, "Who would've guessed it?"
Minerva said, "I'm beginning to doubt the paternity of Harry Potter."
Severus shuddered. "No son of mine would be that inept at potion making."
"He's very good at Charms, though," said Filius, finally recovered from his laughter.
"Why didn't you like her?" asked Minerva, ignoring Filius' comment.
"I'll give you a parchment full of reasons why!" yelled Severus indignantly. "She was impossible to like. Perky, Gryffindor Muggleborn. Named after a flower. Putrid smelling flower, at that. Had that annoying laugh. Never knew when to shut up--"
"It's not very nice to speak ill of the dead, Severus," said Filius.
"Well, I'm not a nice person. And may she rest in peace. Even though she was always bothersome and trying to domesticate me," grumbled Severus.
Minerva murmured, "A domesticated Severus? Oh, my."
"You see? Even Minerva agrees; it's unthinkable," Severus declared.
He turned away from the group and strode off hurriedly. Minerva McGonagall watched him go. She wondered about that strange wizard and his new hairstyle, and his irritable demeanor. He never smiled, never at all. Just what unfortunate combination of factors had created Severus Snape? Would anyone ever know?
With a shake of her head, she resolved that she ought not to speculate about things that could never be solved. Then she took leave of her companions and returned to the Great Hall where she had left Remus, half expecting him to be vanished. But there was no need for worry. She found him waiting for her in the Staff Lounge.
...to be continued