the sixth installment of
A Sackful of Holiday Horsefeathers
is brought to you by:
Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover
"I don't know what's wrong with me," sobbed Hermione, tears streaming down her face. In need of a confidant, she had gone to seek out Professor McGonagall, and the two were now having a heartfelt conversation in the professor's private office.
"There's nothing wrong with you," McGonagall said, sliding a box of tissues across the desk.
"But Harry and Ron don't understand me at all. They never did," Hermione lamented.
"There are some things boys will never understand about us. But you must have some female friends you can rely on," said McGonagall.
"There is Ginny," said Hermione. "She's a good friend, she really is, but I wish that Harry and Ron understood me more. And they're making such a big deal about Draco Malfoy, and we got in trouble last night, and now he's never going to talk to me again!" she screeched.
McGonagall winced as the vibrations hit her eardrums. "Who is never going to talk to you again?"
"Oh, I wish that things could go back to the way they were," moaned Hermione. "The way they used to be, before Draco--before Draco--before he kissed me!"
McGonagall could hardly imagine why the two young people would want to kiss each other. They'd been enemies ever since they first met. "I don't understand, Hermione. You and Draco Malfoy are like oil and water."
"I don't understand it, either!" wailed Hermione. "But I suddenly saw this other side of him, and he's cute now, and we played Quidditch together!" She grabbed a tissue and loudly blew her nose.
"Would you really like things to go back to the way they were?" asked McGonagall thoughtfully. "Do you truly want to hate Draco again? And do you really want him to go back to seeing you in that old light?"
Hermione shook her head. "No, no, anything but that..."
"Then I suggest you try to relax today and don't say anything you might regret tomorrow," advised McGonagall. "Once the two of you calm down, you and Draco will resume your...er, friendship."
Hermione began to sob, "No, we won't..."
"Yes, you will," McGonagall found herself saying, much to her dismay. What evil entity was compelling her to utter these words? Draco was no proper suitor for Hermione. McGonagall sighed; she was continually at a loss for why teenagers acted the way they did. She had expected Hermione to have more sense than the rest of them. If only that were the case...
McGonagall hoped her next words would succeed in pacifying the girl. "Things like this happen all the time. Friends become distant, or they quarrel, or there's been some kind of misunderstanding. But then they work it out and get back together. If it's meant to be, then it's meant to be. So why don't you take a few deep breaths--or a hundred--and just wait until you're both ready to talk again. I see no reason why a pair of mature, intelligent young people shouldn't be able to patch things up, as long as both parties are respectful and considerate of each other."
Hermione smiled a little. "Thanks, Professor. I'll try to relax. I--I guess I'm over reacting." She brushed away a tear streaming down her cheek.
"That's all right," said McGonagall. "We have to express our emotions, or else we'll go crazy. It's no good to bottle anything up."
Hermione nodded, sniffling.
McGonagall added, "I'm glad you came to talk to me. If you don't remember anything else from Transfigurations class, I want you to remember that no boy is worth suffering for. Not a single one. If a boy makes you miserable, then there's obviously something wrong with him, and he needs to be tossed aside. But for your sake, and Draco's, I hope he's not one of the rotten ones."
"Thank you," said Hermione.
***
Severus Snape held the reptile loosely in his hands and calmly watched as it slithered up his arm and onto his shoulder. The Runespoor's scales were surprisingly smooth and cool to the touch. She was an exquisite specimen indeed.
"Can I hold it?" asked Draco, watching him with envy.
"No," said the professor.
"But you said I could," Draco whined impatiently.
"Not yet!"
One of the serpent's heads coiled around Snape's neck, and he delighted at the sensation of her silky scales caressing his flesh. It was almost a guilty pleasure. The other two heads were hissing serenely as Snape held their body in his hands. There was an unspoken, intuitive connection between them.
"Can I hold it now?" asked Draco, who was becoming very antsy. In a nearby aquarium the shell of a jewelled Fire Crab caught the light in just the right way, and it attracted his attention with its mother-of-pearl luster. The longer he examined it, the more it reminded him of a certain cauldron his grandfather owned.
"Malfoy, you are not to touch anything in this store with a ten foot pole," ordered Snape. He ignored the scowl on his student's face and stared deeper into the Runespoor's three sets of eyes. He was trying to think of a name for her. How would Sebastian sound? Hmmm... Not edgy enough. Besides, that was a boy's name. What about Avril?
He turned to the store employee who was assisting them and said, "It is a girl, right?"
"Yes, of course," answered the pale, slender man. He flashed a smile, and in doing so revealed a set of pointy canines.
Snape eyed him suspiciously. The vampire better not be trying to sell him a useless male that wouldn't lay any eggs. He turned to Draco. "Malfoy, how do you like the name 'Avril'?"
"For the snake?" asked Draco.
"No, for your future daughter with Hermione Granger."
"Oh, well, we haven't talked about that yet," said Draco absentmindedly. He realized too late that he'd said those words out loud and tried to recover from his slip-up. "Ha, ha. Just kidding. Who would want to marry that filthy Mudblood? I knew you meant the snake. Yeah, Avril is an excellent name. Very edgy."
"That's exactly what I thought," said Professor Snape, giving his protégé an odd look. Could it be that the boy had actually fallen for that Mudblood Granger? If so, he was in even worse straits than Snape himself.
"I think you'll be very happy with her," the undead employee told them. "She's a young snakelet, not yet fully grown. Within a few months, she'll double in size. And she's at a good age for taming. Older Runespoors become wild and are harder to domesticate, but this one here is young enough she'll end up bonding with you as long as you handle her on a regular basis."
After a thoughtful pause, Snape made up his mind. "I'll take her."
"Do you need a crate?" the employee offered. "Or perhaps a dozen mice?"
"How much would it all come to?" inquired Snape.
"We have a sale today. It's only fifty Galleons for the Runespoor, an extra seven Sickles for the carrier and mice," the vampire replied, licking his lips. Slytherin wizards were always appetizing to him.
Fortunately, Professor Snape didn't notice that his neck was being ogled. He went about his business as usual. "I'll take everything for 50 G 7 S." It was a good price.
"All right. Just a moment then." The employee disappeared into the backroom to grab the supplies.
Snape continued to play with his cold-blooded companion. His attachment was so keen, Draco wondered if his interest in obtaining a Runespoor had been solely academic, or if he had secretly desired a pet all along.
Draco also wondered how Professor Snape would manage to tear himself away from the animal. They would eventually have to stow her away in the crate to smuggle her into Hogwarts castle; there was no question about that. Avril was, after all, highly illegal contraband according to the Ministry of Magic. The penalties for owning such a beast were probably quite severe.
For the time being though, Snape was free to bring Avril everywhere. He traipsed about with the Runespoor proudly draped over his shoulders while Draco lugged around their extra purchases. Avril quickly turned heads in Knockturn Alley. Forget whatever Trelawney said about shampoo; wearing a snake was the way to get attention--around these parts, at least. The cute waitress at The Hound of Baskervilles Steak and Bar even fell under his serpentine spell. She gave him a wink and scribbled down her owling address on the back of their receipt.
***
There were four individuals in the Gryffindor Common Room. Ginny and her new friend Elizabeth, from Hufflepuff House, were practicing Tae Kwon Do moves, and Ron and Harry were sitting in front of the fire discussing their latest plan.
"Harry!" cried Ron. "I have an idea!"
"I'm listening," said Harry.
"Why don't we use your Invisibility Cloak to spy on Malfoy?" suggested Ron.
"That's bloody brilliant!" cried Harry. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Because I thought of it first," said Ron.
Harry nodded. "Where is Malfoy?"
"I don't know," said Ron. "Let's put on the cloak and find him! Maybe he's with Hermione right now! We'll catch him in the act-"
"What?! Why would we want to do that?!"
"Oh, not that act! But whatever he's doing, we'll catch him at it!" said Ron.
Ginny, having finished her set of ten roundhouse kicks, informed Ron of Hermione's whereabouts. "She's not with Draco. She went to talk to Professor McGonagall," said Ginny.
"Oh, Ginny!" cried Ron, who had almost forgotten she was in the room. "I-I meant to ask you a question, but you flew away this morning, and-"
"I know. I meant to do that," said Ginny. "You're annoying lately."
"Where were you last night?" Ron demanded.
"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," said an exasperated Ginny. "That's none of your business."
She performed a double knife hand strike in his direction. Elizabeth clutched her blue flannel scarf, laughing in amusement. She found Gryffindors very entertaining.
Ron glowered at Ginny and resumed his whispering with Harry. "So why don't we take the Invisibility Cloak and use it to spy on Hermione?"
"That's brilliant!" said Harry again. "Because we'll find out more that way! She won't tell us anything if she knows we're there, but if we're invisible we can hear her talking to McGonagall!"
"Exactly!" said Ron. Harry scrambled up to his room and unlocked his trunk. Two minutes later, he and Ron were exiting the common room under the shroud of invisibility.
***
Draco looked down at the juicy T-bone steak on the plate before him; it was barely touched. He and his professor were seated at a table by the window, eating lunch amidst the rustic atmosphere of The Hound of Baskervilles Steak and Bar.
"Professor Snape?" the boy said furtively.
"Yes?" muttered Snape, through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
"I'm afraid I've done something wrong," said Draco quietly.
"What do you mean, 'wrong'?" Snape sounded annoyed, but since that was his usual tone of voice, Draco paid no mind.
"I...I'm afraid I took too much of that larghe vedute serum," Draco admitted.
"What do you mean, 'too much'?"
"Just like I said--too much. Remember how the instructions said not to take more than two servings a day?" asked Draco.
"Yes, I know the directions," said Professor Snape, who didn't need to be reminded how to handle his own potions.
"Well, I sort of overdosed. I didn't mean to, but after I gave some to Hermione, everything--just--spiraled downward from there," said Draco.
Snape looked at him sternly. "Don't tell me you've used it all up," he said.
"Oh, no," said Draco. "That's not it. I still have a lot left. But Hermione--and Ginny--I let them have some."
"Well, what's the problem?" asked Snape.
Draco said earnestly, "I think I'm addicted."
Snape shook his head. "You're not addicted."
"But I love it!" cried Draco.
"There is no way for you to become physically, mentally, or in any other way addicted to Larghe Vedute Serum," stated Professor Snape. "The addictive properties of opium disappear when mixed with whale blubber."
"Really?" said Draco.
"Yes. The only reason the directions warn against taking too much is to ensure that nobody runs off to join some alien-worshipping cult, or gets suckered into a get-rich-quick scheme, or decides to give all his money away to some half-assed charity."
"Oh."
Snape concluded, "If you genuinely love being on Larghe Vedute Serum, then the only thing you're addicted to is being open-minded."
"Oh," said Draco again. He was even more confused now than he had been five minutes ago.
"There's no reason why you should have to stop using it," said Snape.
"But what about Hermione and Ginny? They have no idea they were using it," said Draco. "I want to tell them. I want to let them in on it, but they might be mad at me."
Snape remarked, "You didn't tell them? Well then, how on earth have they been taking the serum?"
"I, um, may have accidentally transferred it to them..."
"Out with it, Malfoy."
"I kissed Hermione, after I put the potion on my lips. You know, as a lip balm," explained Draco. "And I let Ginny touch my broomstick, after I was carrying it, so that's how she first, well, that's how she came in contact with the potion. And then, I injected some of my chocolates with it and fed them to Ginny and Hermione at lunch yesterday."
"Well thought out," Professor Snape commended. "I suggest you tell them about your little potion while they're in a state of open-mindedness."
"Oh, I will," said Draco quickly, wondering how and when he would get another opportunity to see them again.
Draco had been having flashbacks all throughout the morning. He kept thinking about Thursday evening in particular--when he missed the train back home. It had only been two nights ago, and yet it seemed ages.
Before we examine Draco's version of how events transpired, let us become acquainted with the recipe for Larghe Vedute Serum, as copied below:
*
di Larghe Vedute Siero (or Open-Mindedness Serum)
Ingredients:
2 cups Whale Blubber
1 sprig of Eucalyptus
3 Mint Leaves
9 drops of Nectar from a Snapping Opium Poppy
1/4 teaspoon of Powdered Fairies' Wings
Step #1...Melt whale blubber in cauldron until it becomes easy to stir. Lower heat.
Step #2...Stir in the rest of the ingredients one by one. The mixture should become translucent, with a slight tinge of blue (from the fairies' wings).
Step #3...Promptly remove from heat and let stand until the mixture attains a jelly-like firmness. Scoop the serum into any durable container and enjoy. The serum may be taken internally or applied to the skin. It makes an excellent lip balm and moisturizer for dry, chapped skin. It is also effective anywhere else upon the skin's surface.
Serving size: Depends on the personality of the individual. For most, a dabbing of the balm upon the lips will induce open-mindedness immediately. For long-lasting open-minded thinking, ingest (1) teaspoon of the serum once daily.
This serum is highly potent. It cannot be stressed enough that one is not to exceed 2 servings in the course of one day.
*
On the evening that Draco missed the train home and ended up kissing Hermione Granger, he only remembered later that night what allowed him to kiss her.
Draco recalled that while he was packing his suitcase, he noticed that his lips were chapped from the cold, dry air. In his haste he grabbed the first thing he could find, which happened to be the Larghe Vedute Serum, and dabbed it upon his lips.
He'd inadvertently induced himself into a blissful state of open-mindedness!
'But maybe it's not so bad after all,' Draco thought to himself that first night as he lay in bed unable to sleep. He'd made out with a girl in his dormitory, and that wasn't something that happened every day.
But with Hermione Granger! The girl with the Muggle parents!
Draco's mind was troubled. He groped along his bedside table and found the jar of larghe vedute serum. Convincing himself that just a little more wouldn't hurt, Draco dipped his fingers into the jar and spread the salve all over his hands.
Within seconds, Draco was at peace again. The internal struggle was gone, and Draco went back to having warm, fuzzy thoughts of Hermione Granger. Come to think of it, she was a pretty girl. Draco liked girls with fluffy hair. And Muggles weren't as bad as his father always claimed. Muggles were quite ingenious the way they got along without magic. No wonder Hermione was so smart! Draco smiled and drew the bedclothes around his chin. He liked the minty smell of larghe vedute almost as much as he liked the smell of Hermione's hair. They were beautiful. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...
Draco was soon fast asleep.
When he awoke the next morning, he was wary of appearing in the Great Hall for breakfast. The thought of encountering Hermione filled him with dread. She had only kissed him back because the larghe vedute serum had got on her lips when he kissed her. That allowed Hermione to clear her mind and see the real Draco--the one that was cute and quirky and debonair, not to mention incredibly intelligent. By now the potion would have surely worn off, and she would go back to hating him!
But when Draco saw the look on Hermione's face as he sat down to breakfast, he knew that she didn't hate him anymore. Did she have a real change of mind? Well, just to be sure, he would have to reapply the potion the next chance he got. He liked it when Hermione didn't automatically dismiss him. If he could keep her open-minded long enough, he could permanently win her over with his natural charms.
These were the memories that kept haunting Draco as he struggled to finish his steak. Until now, he never knew what it felt like to lose one's appetite.
Snape was attempting to feed Avril some of his leftover venison.
"Um, professor?" said Draco. "I don't think deer is natural prey for the Runespoor."
An affronted Avril turned all her three heads away from the meat.
Snape finally gave up. "I suppose she'd rather have a fresh kill, anyway."
...to be continued