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James put his foot on the first step and began climbing up to the seventh floor flat he shared with Sirius. He’d never fancied taking Muggle lifts and after years of walking around at Hogwarts, he really didn’t mind taking the stairs. It would also give him the extra time he was looking for to think. That was why when he left, he Apparated several blocks away and walked the remaining distance.
He had gone to Lily’s tonight to help her sort through things and pack them. She had decided to go back home and live there with her parents for a while after school. It was the least she could do after spending the majority of the past seven years in a school part of a world completely different than that of your parents. And since her sister Petunia got married and left home, Lily felt she’d be abandoning them by leaving so soon.
James, on the other hand, had moved out along with Sirius. They wanted to try their hand at being on their own, particularly after coming from such privileged families. And it always gave them a bit of pride and joy having their friends over for dinner.
As James continued to climb up, he thought back on the past few days. While they were at her place several days ago watching the tube, one of his new-found guilty pleasures being Coronation Street, someone official had come to the door and announced that Lily’s parents had been involved in a car crash. Neither of them had survived.
Lily had taken the loss of her parents pretty hard. She had only been back for a few months after finishing with Hogwarts, and now she was faced with the task of burying her parents.
James had offered to help her with things, sort through belongings and either pack them, give them away, or toss them. That’s where he had been tonight, eating a quick meal of takeaway Chinese together in between.
The last few days had been rather trying for Lily, and James had done his best to support her and get her through the day. He couldn’t imagine what she was going through, having lost his grandparents at a young age, but he loved Lily and had begun to love her parents, however brief a time it was, and he knew how difficult it was for him.
Things had been going brilliantly between him and Lily. The unfortunate event of her parents’ death only seemed to be solidifying something that had only been fun back when they were in school. It made things feel more serious, somehow. And that’s why James felt the need to walk and not take the lift up.
Having finally stepped onto the seventh floor and covered the remainder of the corridor, James fished in his pocket for a moment. Finding the key, he opened the lock and passed through the door.
–Where’ve you been?†he heard Sirius call from their living room. –I was expecting you back ages ago.â€
–How do you know I haven’t been with Lily this whole time?†James asked. It was true, he had never given Sirius a time or any indication of how long they would be.
James took off his shoes, hung up his cloak, and walked into the living room to find Sirius reading the Daily Prophet while lounging on the sofa. It had become a habit of his after they had joined the Order of the Phoenix. Being more involved in the war with Voldemort made them more aware of what was going on and the newspaper was one way of staying in the loop despite the Prophet’s many cover ups.
–Nothing new since last night,†Sirius informed him as he folded the paper. –Lily dropped by earlier. You forgot your scarf and gloves at her place.â€
–Oh,†said James, plopping down beside Sirius and bringing his feet up to rest on the coffee table.
–I like how she just Apparates in - means I don’t have to get up to answer the door. But tell her to just come on in next time. She doesn’t have to Apparate to the door and knock anyway. She’s practically family and we have nothing to hide,†said Sirius. He liked Lily, particularly during the times when she helped with dinner.
–And you walking around without a shirt or in your boxers isn’t an issue?†James asked coyly, remembering that this habit from their dormitory at Hogwarts had followed them to their apartment.
–That’s only when I sleep,†Sirius replied matter-of-factly. Getting up, he then asked, –I’m putting the kettle on. Do you want something?â€
–Just put it on from here,†suggested James. Really, they were of age and had left school so there was no reason to do everything the Muggle way.
–Oh, no - I’m not making a mess! I polished enough of Filch’s trophies in detention, I’m not doing unnecessary cleaning here if I can help it,†stated Sirius, leaving James behind to smirk at the comment.
–Just an Earl Grey, then,†he called out.
When Sirius returned with the tea for James and some instant coffee for himself, he sat back down and asked, –So where did you go?â€
James didn’t answer straight away, choosing instead to bob his tea bag up and down a few times. He then got up to put some milk and sugar in it, bringing back a plate of biscuits.
Sirius remained silent as his friend puttered about. It would be no use pushing for an answer. James would give one when he was good and ready.
–I walked a bit of the way back,†James finally answered.
Again, Sirius stayed quiet. He knew James would continue eventually, so he grabbed a biscuit in the meantime.
–It’s been a long week and I needed time to think,†said James, taking a biscuit for himself.
–How is she?†Sirius finally asked. He had heard from James of the news when he came home that same day. She had since then been attending to funeral matters and sorting things at her parents’ place so he hadn’t seen her lately. And she hadn’t been to the Order meeting last night either. He was concerned for the witch who had become like a sister to him.
–Pretty rough, actually,†said James, taking a sip of tea before continuing. –Petunia blames Lily for the whole thing.â€
–What? Why? It was all an accident!â€
–I know, but you know her sister. She thinks Lily could have prevented it or something, seeing as she’s a witch. As if Lily needs any more stress at the moment. I keep telling her she shouldn’t feel guilty.â€
–And she believes you, doesn’t she?â€
James paused to take a larger sip of his tea. How could he tell Sirius that Petunia refused to help with the arrangements, that she was making Lily do everything by herself, that Lily was already feeling guilty for even going to Hogwarts away from her family without Petunia rubbing it in, that Petunia had even threatened to miss the funeral simply because Lily would be there which all added to Lily stress level?
Somehow, James found the words. It was only after explaining it all that he realized how tense he was. Lily’s problems had become his problems now.
Sirius didn’t quite know how to respond. Sure he’d had his own family problems, but he had simply run away and adopted himself to the Potter family. Lily couldn’t run away from this.
The two sat there in silence, finishing their drinks and the plate of biscuits. So much had changed since their days at Hogwarts, so much of life that they were unprepared for. They shouldn't have jumped head first into a war immediately following their completion of school, yet that was a task they found easier to handle. They were utterly lost in the midst of a domestic dispute.
–And that’s why you’re late? Walking off the extra tension?†asked Sirius, looking at his friend.
–Sort of. I just . . . needed to think,†said James with a shrug.
–So you’ve said,†Sirius remarked. He couldn’t figure out what James was thinking. What needed enough time to walk around for an hour to think before arriving home? Looking at James now, it seemed as though he still wasn’t through with his thoughts, his brow was so furrowed in concentration.
James wanted to talk with Sirius, in fact he needed to, but he couldn’t find the words. Trying to decide how to put it, he set to work collecting the few dirty dishes they’d made and proceeded to clean them by hand.
–Anything on your mind, Prongs?†Sirius asked with concern, leaning against the doorway of their kitchen and watching James dry the dishes with a towel.
James put his hands on his hips and let out a sigh as he looked up at the ceiling with his eyes closed. When he opened them, he looked at Sirius and said to him, –I love Lily and I’m thinking of proposing to her.â€
For a moment, Sirius remained serious as he took in James’ words. His face soon broke out into a grin as he said, –Well I think that’s a bloody brilliant idea!â€
James’ face lit up at the comment. –Yeah? I was worried she’d say no what with her parents and all.â€
–After all you’ve done for her, she’d be a bloody idiot if she turned you down,†said Sirius, searching for some butterbeer to celebrate.
–Padfoot, stop saying ‘bloody,’†commented James, but he was glad he approved.
–I can’t help it! I’m just so bloody excited!†Sirius handed James a butterbeer ignoring his pointed look, toasted him on his smashing decision, and drank deeply.
As Sirius downed his drink and went in search of another one, James continued to hold onto his. All of his doubts and fears came crashing back at that moment feeling more consequential than before revealing his intentions.
What if she said no? What if they were rushing into things? What if during a war wasn’t the right time? They had never seriously dated anyone else, so what if there was someone else they should be with? What if one of them were killed in the war and left the other as half of themselves? That’s assuming they were even compatible to begin with. What if they weren’t as compatible as they thought? What if they had kids and then died leaving them as orphans? He could never forgive himself for bringing a child into a world at war if they did indeed die.
James was snapped back to reality as he heard Sirius’ voice breaking into his thoughts. It also appeared as though he’d been at it for a little while.
–No offense, mate, but you look as though a dementor got to you,†said Sirius when he was sure he had James’ attention. With concern, he added, –I thought we were celebrating.â€
Setting his butterbeer on the kitchen counter, James headed back to the living room and took a seat on the sofa. Immediately, Sirius followed him out and sat down next to him. Without waiting for Sirius to question him, James went to the heart of the matter. All of his concerns came out shedding some light on why it had taken an hour to get back from Lily’s. Only when James was done speaking could Sirius fully understand what he was going through internally.
Sirius took his time in answering. Finally, he said, –As far as I can tell, Prongs, the decision is pretty clear. But I have to ask . . . do you love Lily?â€
–Do you remember about five minutes ago me telling you I love her and was thinking of proposing? Yeah, I wasn’t kidding,†said James flatly. How could Sirius even question that?
–Then I don’t see why you’re so hesitant.â€
–Maybe the idea of marriage would be too painful after just losing her parents,†countered James.
–Or maybe it’s shown her that she doesn’t want to die alone. Mate, do you even want to marry her?†Sirius asked. –Then why do you keep coming up with excuses?â€
James paused at this comment. Was he really making up excuses not to propose to Lily? Wasn’t this something he really wanted for the both of them? Then why was he avoiding the issue?
It hit James like a ton of Bludgers when he discovered the reason. He was afraid. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of growing up. Afraid of making such a monumental decision. Afraid of the future. Afraid of losing everything to Voldemort.
Then he realized that by not doing anything, he’d already lost his future and everything that would have been in it to Voldemort. That he could never grow up if he continued to run away instead of confronting his problems. And not only was he doing this to himself, but it was also affecting the lives of those around him, of those he cared for most.
James looked at Sirius, and in that moment decided to face reality. He smiled and promised himself to set out and make Lily his wife, no matter what.
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In Spite of It All by Secret Marauder 90
Chapter Endnotes: Another one of my little J/L ideas. The other two with this type of a more serious tone are The Game and Wanting More. I would love to hear any kind of feedback!
I now have a sequel mostly done. Just a bit of tweaking left to do. Not quite sure how I want to end it. But I hope to post it soon!