He walked out of his room, turned, and walked down the dark paneled hallway towards the water closet. The reason for his walk was not to satisfy any physical urgings; he just needed to be going somewhere to give his body something to do while his mind raced. The deep, red carpeting cushioned his footfalls as he paced. He was surprised when his body stopped on its own. He looked up to see where he was and saw that he had stopped in front of the one door that was not open in the entirety of the townhouse. The room was his mother’s room.

An odd thought crossed his mind: while the room was the bedroom of his parents, he always considered it ‘her’ room. He had sealed the door upon his return from his fourth year at Hogwarts. He had closed off her room and their memory from his mind after he had read her last letter.

He had looked from face to face of every adult on the platform; his mother was not present. Although he felt a rising panic at the absence of his mother, he walked at a slow, steady pace. He could not show the fear. Malfoy, Nott, and Goyle were all watching him, and if he showed fear he would be ostracized not only from their little clique, but they would make his life as a Slytherin unbearable.

Just as he was about to begin a third pass through the crowd, he noticed a familiar pinch-faced girl walk past him on her way towards the front of the train. The face belonged to Petunia Evans. He followed the teenage crone towards Lily and her parents who were loading the last of Lily’s trunks onto a trolley.

The entire Evans family turned to look at the approaching boy. Petunia, who had not noticed she was being followed, turned as well and gave him a look with eyes so hard that they could have injured him with their hatred. He had seen that look before; with her long hair sliding across her face, he saw his mother about to take out her disappointments on him. The ghosts of all of those past rebukes froze him in place.

Lily whispered something to her parents and walked over to him. She stood up to her full height and crossed her arms across her chest hiding her hands as she spoke.

“Severus.�

He turned to look at Lily from Petunia still shaken by the vision of his mother in the other girl.

“Severus?�

Through a dry mouth, he said, “My mother is not here. I wondered if I could get a ride back to Cokesworth with you and your family.�

For a second, Lily’s resolve seemed to melt. Her head began to move slowly from side-to-side as she said, “Severus, we are not going back home. We are going to the seaside for a holiday.�

He lowered his head in response to her pronouncement.

She continued to talk, just barely audible in the din of trolley wheels and hissing locomotive. “Marlene McKinnon says that there is a magical way to get anywhere for just a few coins; it’s called the Knight Bus. All you have to do is step up to the curb of a street, stick out your wand into the street and it will appear with minutes. It supposedly can get you anywhere, except Hogwarts, in Britain.�

At first he looked up thankful, and another point of shame struck home. He pulled on his white smock as he said, “I don’t have any money. My mum didn’t send anything for Christmas.� He looked to the platform floor, closed his eyes, and wished he could be anyone else in the world. He opened his eyes to find a hand holding one silver Sickle and eight bronze Knuts.

“Take them, they’ll be no good to me at the seaside.� Her voice was full of exasperation; he dared not meet her eyes to see her rebuke.

“Thank you, Lily. If there is anything I can do to repay…� was all he had got out before she replied.

“You already know what you must do to be my friend, Severus. Remember, our conversation in the hall outside of the Gryffindor Common Room?�

He felt full of shame, anger and despair. The emotions were all fighting for control of his brain, and since no one was in control, he couldn’t answer her.

“Fine,� Lily said, and she dismissively turned and walked back to the trolley where her parents and sneering sister all eyed him.

He quickly pocketed the gift into the pocket of his Muggle trousers. He didn’t take his eyes off of Lily until the Evans family began trundling towards the pillar. As they passed, only Petunia turned to see him as they walked by, and she shot him a look of delight at his being left behind on the platform to fend for himself.

Severus loaded his trolley and waited until he was the last one on the platform. He then walked through the pillar, through the Muggle station and outside to the street. He walked to an area where the Muggle traffic was not as dense. He stepped to the curb and extended his wand over the curbstone, hoping that Marlene McKinnon had not played a prank on Lily. His fear had been misplaced, because a giant, purple bus appeared on the street in front of him.

He paid the fare, with a single Knut to spare, loaded his trunk on the bus, and began his nine-stop trip to Cokesworth. He put the coin back in his pocket; he would return it to Lily along with the rest of his fare when they returned to school.

He had the Knight Bus drop him off a block away from the townhouse. He pretended to struggle to carry his trunk. Although he had used a spell to lighten the load, he had to maintain the charade for the Muggle neighbors. It took him almost an half an hour to get to the door of the townhouse. When he got to the door, he rang the chime, but no one answered the door. He tried knocking on the door with the bronze knocker, but again no one opened the door. After looking to see if any of the neighbors was watching him, he pulled his wand out and unlocked the door.

He dragged the trunk into the foyer and after he had closed the door he waved the wand, and the trunk flew up to his room.

“Mum,� he called out and no one replied.

He slowly walked up the stairs to the bedrooms. As his hand slid up the banister, he noticed a film of dust. His father would never allow this situation; he would have made his mother clean the house, not with her wand but like a Muggle with rags and polish.

“Mum,� he repeated with more urgency in his voice. As he left the steps and walked onto the landing, he added, “I’m home.�

He walked over to his parents' bedroom door; he paused as he took the knob. He took a deep breath and turned the knob. The room was empty and as dusty as banister had been.

Something was very wrong; all pretense of control left him. He ran down the steps and ran into the kitchen. In the middle of the table, he saw the breadbox. The breadbox did not belong on the kitchen table; the breadbox was always on the counter. If anyone had left the box there, his father would have removed his belt and given the offender a whipping. The box was there in the forbidden place, and the table was dusty. Leaning against the box, he saw an envelope. On the envelope was written one word in his mother’s cramped, small scrawl: Severus

Dread filled his soul as he looked at the envelope. He desperately wanted to open it and read it. He desperately couldn’t read it. He stood there frozen as if his will had somehow escaped his body.

Almost on its own, he found his hand reaching towards the breadbox. Just a he got within a few inches, the envelope jumped into the air, and he heard the disembodied voice of his mother.

My dear, dear Severus,

By the time you hear this letter, I will be long dead. I’m sorry, please forgive me. Your Father is also dead; he was killed at my bidding. However, the Muggle police believe a bar maid murdered him.

I found him and that woman together, and I used magic to force her to strangle him in our bed. I then came in the house, pretended to find them and called the authorities. They both deserved what they got, but I find myself haunted by him. I cannot sleep, food has lost its taste, and all I wish is if I could go back and undo what I did.

I cannot live with what I’ve done, and I cannot live without him. I will go to the seaside and I shall walk, without my wand, into the sea and drown. I couldn’t take poison and have you find me here. I love you too much for that.

I went to the Muggle bank and withdrew the pittance we had there, and I also went to Gringotts and emptied the family vaults. The Muggle money is in the breadbox, and the rest is in the basement. The treasures I leave here will be sufficient to see you through school until you build the better life than I provided for you.

I know you do not understand why I have done what I’ve done. In time, my dear son, I hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive me.

Love,

Mother

The envelope finished its reciting of his mother’s last letter in her sad quavering voice. The reading had been so alive, which she no longer was. His grip became slack, but instead of falling to the kitchen floor the paper flew up to his left cheek and deposited a lifeless kiss. His mother’s last kiss had been from cold, lifeless paper, not human lips.

A tidal wave of grief mixed with a growing undercurrent of anger crashed down upon his heart, taking his breath away.

How could she have done this? How could she say that she loved him and still leave him alone to fend for himself? How could she leave him alone?

He had done it all for her! He had focused all of his energy on mastering the Dark Arts and Potions so that he could return here and liberate her from the clutches of his father. He was going to be her Knight in Shining Armor; she was going to be so grateful and loving. And now by her hand, she was gone. She was beyond rescue.

He felt the weight of it all pull him down to his knees onto the cold, wooden floor. From his eyes began a torrent of uncontrollable tears rolling past his nose and dripping off of his pointy chin. He reached up with his left index finger to remove the offending moisture from his chin, and as he did this, his grief became rage.

She hadn’t needed him to save her! She was a witch married to a worthless, powerless Muggle. She could have walked away from him and gone anywhere in the magical world and built a happy new life with her son. She had chosen to stay with him in both life and death.

A final dagger pierced his young heart; she had loved this abusive, monster of Muggle more than she had loved her only child. She chose him over me!

He found himself slipping onto the floor, and he curled up into a ball, allowing his grief and anger to have full reign. Eventually he closed his eyes, hoping to join her in death, but all he did was fall into a nightmare-filled sleep on the cold floor.

He came back from his recollections and found he was still staring at the room. The room he had sealed and never reopened. The room was just as she had left it, except on the pillow of her bed propped up on a pillow was the envelope that had delivered her last kiss.

He was alone again. Maybe even more alone than he was on the day he heard her note. He had his Slytherin friends and the illusion of winning back Lily. Now she and Dumbledore were both gone. And if his ‘friends’ knew the truth, they would kill him.

Acting reflexively, he quickly drew up his sleeve to wipe away the pair of tears that had trickled down his cheeks. No one, not even himself, was allowed to know that Severus Snape could cry or be made to hurt. They must view me a stone. My survival requires it.