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No matter how hard Lily tried, she couldn’t get to sleep. It had been a busy first day and it still kept replaying in her mind. Her meeting with James on the train had lasted the rest of the ride to Hogwarts and he had been full of suggestions. A little unconventional, but then again he was an unconventional Head. They had rounded up first-years for the boats and managed to share the carriage ride up to the school along with his friends and Helen.
The feast had been spectacular as usual, all of the Gryffindor seventh-years seated beside and across from each other. When it finished, James and Lily had been about to collect some first-years to take to their common room when Professor McGonagall told them to meet her in her office. Apparently she was unconvinced that they would cooperate under a shared headship despite what Dumbledore had told her, but the two assured her they could.
Back in the Gryffindor common room, James and Lily returned to find their roommates all lounging in armchairs by the fire. It seemed they would be seeing a lot more of each other if this were to continue.
And now she lay on her bed in the dark, hoping the others were asleep. But she was to have no such luck as someone waved their wand to turn the lights back on and everyone sat up in bed.
–So what did you and Potter talk about on the train?†asked Viola in a slightly demanding way. There was no being subtle with her.
–Yeah, what took you so long? We kept waiting for you to return,†said Bernie, climbing out of her sheets to sit at the foot of her bed.
–We made plans for the school year . . . it’s not what you think,†Lily added when she saw Laura and Viola exchange glances. –Meeting stuff with the prefects, bouncing around ideas, things like that. James seemed to be full of them.â€
It took all of Lily’s strength not to roll her eyes or become cross with everyone when they started gushing. He had never been called James before, so this was a big deal. It didn’t matter that it had been more of a challenge when he suggested first names; the fact remained that she had agreed and that it wasn’t just to his face but also more privately.
–Honestly, you guys. We have to work together because of Dumbledore,†said Lily, not succumbing to the smile that wanted to come.
–Oh, come on, Lily. Even you have to admit that he’s a dish,†said Helen. –You can’t say that he’s not fit and that his voice doesn’t make you want to melt.â€
–Make me want to melt?†repeated Lily. Where did they come up with these things? And why was she always the topic of discussion, and always in relation to James?
–We all saw the way you looked at him,†said Bernie. –You know, right after you chose to sit next to him instead of Sirius, after James said something to you.â€
This time Lily did roll her eyes. She couldn’t help but say, –And what about you and Remus Lupin, Bernie? Does he know your real name yet?â€
Bernie’s cheeks reddened at this comment. She loathed her name and continually wondered what mother on earth would ever name their child Laburnum. It was always a topic closed for discussion, particularly where Remus was concerned. She had been harbouring a crush on him for a few years now.
While this didn’t erase their questions regarding James and Lily, her roommates did know when they were being dismissed. Knowing Lily’s past rants about James, they wisely dropped the matter and changed the subject, though it was hardly forgotten.
–Yeah, Bernie,†said Laura, also getting out from under her bed to sit cross-legged. –You’ve liked him for ages. When are you going to ask him out?â€
–I’m sure he’ll say yes. He’s definitely opened up to us more,†said Helen.
–You think?†Bernie asked hopefully. –He’s always so quiet and keeps to himself. How can you be sure?â€
–Are you completely blind, Bern? He couldn’t take his eyes off you earlier,†said Laura, exaggerating slightly but still getting the point across.
As the girls continued to encourage Bernie how great Remus was and how they would be so cute together, Lily laid back down again pretending to sleep. Either they weren’t fooled or they didn’t care because they continued talking. It was something Helen was saying that made Lily sit back up.
–Then you could go on double dates with James and Lily,†she concluded happily.
–And when are these fictitious dates to be happening, because nobody informed me of them,†Lily said. She tried to keep her voice level, but even she could hear the chill in it.
–Oh, be reasonable, Lily. She only meant that it would be a cute idea,†said Viola matter-of-factly. –You obviously don’t like that idea and wouldn’t let that happen, so no worry. Your attitude today just gives some a sort of . . . an idea that it could be possible.â€
–Don’t be mad, Lily. He’s just so eligible and -â€
–Smitten?†Bernie interrupted, holding back a smirk.
–No - well, yes - but I was going to say . . . I don’t remember. Anyway, he’s a good match, so why can’t it be with you?†Laura challenged her.
Lily didn’t answer; she just sat there staring at her sheets. Eventually the girls bade each other goodnight again, turned the lights off, and went to sleep, but Lily remained sitting upright, thinking.
The question that was plaguing Lily was, Why not? Why, as Laura had stated, couldn’t it be with her? He was a good match and she wasn’t merely thinking of his money and blood status. He was smart, athletic, and quite charming when he wanted to be. And she hated Helen at the moment for even mentioning how attractive he was and his voice too! She wouldn’t entertain the thought until it was brought to her attention having firmly become deaf at any mention of him in the past.
So what was holding her back? There was no question about Lily’s answer. She had hated Snape for proving her wrong in sticking up for him, for thinking so little of the friendship that had meant so much to her. And she hated how she had allowed Alan to trick her into trusting him and that all the time they’d spent together was all just a lie.
This was why Lily was so resistant and stubborn. Every close relationship she’d ever had had fallen down and hit her in the face, even her sister Petunia, her own flesh and blood. If all closeness was ever going to get her was hurt, then she wanted no part in it. It was for these reasons James Potter would have to be content with a casual friendship because she didn’t want to get hurt by him most of all.
* * *
In the boys’ dormitory, the four seventh-year Gryffindors were huddled around an old bit of parchment as they gathered on Sirius’ bed. There were black markings all over it showing it to be a map. It was labelled with many dots, each with their own respective name. The cluster of dots they were looking at happened to be not far from their own dots, and they were still moving which told the boys they were still awake.
–I bet they’re talking about us,†Peter said obviously.
–More likely about Prongs and Evans,†corrected Sirius, giving his friend a sly smile. They’d been privy to more discussions on her than they cared to admit, but they still couldn’t help rubbing in the fact of earlier that day.
–How do you know it’s not about Moony and Bernie?†asked James defiantly. To Remus he said, –We know you’re keen on her, so why don’t you ask her out? Looks like she’d say yes if today’s anything to go by.â€
True to his form, Remus denied any of this and said, –Don’t change the subject, James. Really, what’s going on with you two?â€
James sighed. He honestly had no idea. There were times when they were getting along just fine and he felt comfortably in calling them friends, even after this one day. There were also moments where he would catch her eye and think that maybe there could be something more than just friendship. And just as quickly the look would change and Lily would become distant and withdrawn putting into question whether they could ever be friends.
There were things going on with Lily that James didn’t know about. But he had learned a long time ago not to be pushy with her. Her issues were her own and if she needed or wanted help, she would ask. For now, he would have to be content with making a solid friendship, or at least the start of one.
–She’s not interested,†James finally said, not looking at any of them and fumbling with the badge still in his pocket instead. He hadn’t changed yet, not sure if he could even get to sleep at that moment.
–Why, did she say something?†asked Sirius, his brows furrowing. He wasn’t exactly upset, but he would have thought that she would be more willing now that Snivelly wasn’t whispering in her ear what a git he thought James was.
–No. I could just tell,†answered James. –It was in the look she gave me. There was something in her eyes that was . . . I don’t know, I can’t place it. She seemed frightened or sad or . . . something.â€
They watched as James struggled to stay calm. He was fidgety as he tried not to pace, and the back of his hair was standing on end more than usual.
–I actually got the impression that she was avoiding eye contact with me. Every time she accidentally caught my eye she would look away and be really . . . almost shy,†said James a little sadly.
The other three boys looked at each other. They didn’t know what to say that hadn’t already been said before. But they knew James wasn’t about to give up, he was too optimistic for that.
Eventually Remus said, –I think she just needs time, James. Things have happened and maybe she’s just a little lost at the moment. She needs to figure out a new course and I’m not blaming you, but maybe you’ve just thrown a dungbomb into her cauldron when she thought she had a plan.â€
–What’ve I done?â€
–Well I don’t think she counted on you. There was never any reason for you to be in her life before, but now you’re both Heads. You have to work together in a way you never had to before, and I’m guessing you’re not turning out to be the person she expected. In a good way, I mean.â€
At these words, Remus got up and began preparing for bed. Peter also rose to get ready, and Sirius put his hand consolingly on James’ shoulder before going to put his pyjamas on. James was left staring at the map, watching the girls’ dots slowly grow still just as theirs were. He then wiped the map clean and put it away as he, too, got ready for bed.
Even after the lights went out and the dormitory filled with light snoring, James lay awake staring at the top of his bed. Had he messed up Lily’s plans? He hadn’t intended on it. James knew it was going to be tough having her see reason, but he had never truly appreciated how hard that task was going to be until now. His last thought before drifting off to sleep was whether he’d ever get close enough to Lily to let him in.
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Close by Secret Marauder 90
Chapter Notes: Still the first day, just later at night. Taken from both Lily and James' perspectives.
Chapter Endnotes: I'd still love to hear everyone's thoughts! It should get a bit more interesting soon.