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Lily Evans looked up from the book she was reading, which she was doing curled up on the sofa covered in a beautiful afghan crocheted by her grandmother, and looked over in the corner to where some boxes were stacked. It felt strange not being at home for her final Christmas break from Hogwarts, and just as strange not decorating the tree with her family, but it couldn’t really be helped. At least she wouldn’t be spending it alone.
Just as she thought this, one reason she wouldn’t be alone walked through the cabin door in the form of Sirius Black, one of her closest friends. He looked cold and irritable as he took off his scarf, gloves, and boots.
–Where’s James?†asked Lily as she watched him hang his cloak. The two had gone out quite a while ago in search of the perfect tree in the forest by their cabin.
–Still looking,†he answered irritably. Joining her by the fire on a separate armchair, he said, –After three hours of searching in the cold and without magic, I gave up. He has impossible expectations. There is no perfect tree, it’s bloody nature!â€
–So you just left him?†she asked, secretly thinking that all trees were perfect in their own way.
–He won’t even consider altering a tree by magic. Not even a single needle! And then he said he wanted to cut it with an axe and drag it all the way back here without magic! What’s the point of even being a wizard?†cried Sirius.
–You know, there’s sometimes a sense of satisfaction when you do things the good old Muggle way,†replied Lily, returning back to her book with a smirk at the look of scepticism on Sirius’ face. She also thought she heard him mumble something about James agreeing with her as he slumped down in the armchair to lounge better.
–He probably won’t be back for at least another hour,†Sirius added with a yawn as he hung back his head and closed his eyes, his legs dangling over the other side of the armrest. –He was really deep in the forest when I left him.â€
Sirius began to doze as he warmed up by the fire while Lily attempted to resume reading. She’d been having difficulty concentrating just before he arrived, and it appeared as though she still couldn’t get herself interested enough to start now. Judging it to be a bad job, Lily closed the book in her lap and just stared alternately between the blazing fire in the grate and the gently falling snow outside.
Lily had assumed she would be hearing Sirius’ snores since he dropped off, but they hadn’t come. The clock on the mantel told her he’d been lying there for ten minutes now, a whole nine minutes longer than it usually took him. This meant he mustn’t really be sleeping and he was capable of responding to her.
But how should she word it? It seemed terribly awkward and personal to begin with, never mind having to speak to Sirius about it. But he was her best bet. He wouldn’t judge her or tease if he saw how serious she was being. She knew him to be quite compassionate when it mattered.
Tentatively, she asked him, –Sirius, can I ask you something?†There was no going back, now that it was started. But it had been long enough now and Lily wanted to get to the bottom of it.
–No problem,†he answered, though his eyes were still closed and he sounded groggy.
Lily hesitated for a moment and then asked, –Has James said anything about me?â€
–You’ll have to be a little bit more specific, Lil,†replied Sirius, still looking like he was half asleep, though Lily noticed immediately that his voice was much clearer and his body was more alert than he was leading on, and she knew she had his attention.
Lily didn’t answer straight away, still contemplating how best to word it. This pause caused Sirius to finally decide to open his eyes and sit up properly. As Sirius waited, something he learnt to be good at from his experience in waiting for James to speak, he recalled the brief moment he and Lily had shared earlier. He’d told her he was really glad she could make it out to this with him and James, and then he recalled her snorting response telling him she didn’t have much choice as Petunia had the run of the house schedule. Just when he remembered the name of Petunia’s boyfriend, Lily spoke up.
–It was back about a week ago when we were patrolling. I don’t even remember what happened, and the next thing I know James and I are standing really close, and then we’re kissing,†she recalled, still confused about the whole thing and yet remembering everything.
–And?†he asked calmly, though on the inside he was utterly gobsmacked. James hadn’t mentioned a word of this to him, and it was Lily that ended up being the one to tell him.
–And nothing,†she answered in a slightly dead way. –That’s it, nothing happened. We just . . . left it at that.â€
Things had gone back to normal between James and Lily after that. Almost too normal. Theirs was a friendship of closeness, constantly hanging out, and tons of teasing which all continued as though nothing had happened, and to everyone else nothing had. But it had felt strange for Lily, knowing what had occurred, seeing that look in James’ eyes that matched her own muddled thoughts and emotions, and then dropping it.
–I just . . . I don’t know what he’s thinking, Sirius. And I thought as his best mate you might have some insight. Of all the times!†Lily cried out in exasperation, running a hand across her face and through her hair. It was ridiculous that she could finish his sentences, read his thoughts and emotions, pass him the stupid sugar for his tea before he could even think to ask for it, but now all she could do was flounder around hoping for some sort of hint.
–To be honest, no, he hasn’t mentioned this to me,†Sirius replied, noting her astonishment at hearing this. –And I’m going to risk sounding clinical and ask you how you feel about this.â€
–I don’t know, that’s the problem! Ever since Snape – don’t give me that look! – ever since we had gone our own ways, it took a while for me to replace my best friend, and it wasn’t easy letting go. Don’t get me wrong, the girls are great but they just weren’t . . . it.
–Then I was able to let James and I become friends and he . . . was more than up for it. You too, Sirius, and Remus and Peter. But James suddenly really stepped up, and it was so natural when I realized he was my best friend, and different from the way the two of you are best mates.
–So you can imagine my . . . utter confusion when my best friend up and kisses me in a deserted corridor after hours. I just didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing, and I didn’t know how he was taking all of this because all of a sudden I can’t tell anymore,†Lily finished, throwing up her hands.
Sirius thought about this and thought that this was probably what James was thinking, but he couldn’t tell her that because he didn’t have any sort of proof or indication of it. Instead, he looked at her and said, –I think you already know exactly what he’s thinking and what you’re thinking, and that’s what’s confusing you. You just don’t know what to do about it. Either that or you’re in denial.â€
After taking in what Sirius meant, Lily realized that this made a lot of sense. She had always known his thoughts, so why should that stop now? But could she possibly be suppressing what she knew about him, or even more importantly about her own thought? Because tucking it away in a corner until later was just the sort of thing she’d do.
–But what should I do?†she asked, wanting him to give her a solution instead of finding one out for herself.
–What do you want to do?†Sirius countered.
Lily bit back her retort which was by now becoming repetitive, even if I don’t know was exactly the answer she felt. So she tried thinking harder about it, but nothing came to mind even as Sirius rose from his armchair to sit next to her on the sofa.
–Do you have feelings for James?†he asked, already guessing he answer.
–Well of course I do. Same goes with you. But I don’t’ think that’s what you mean,†answered Lily, using her cheek to momentarily avoid the topic.
–Lily,†Sirius began with a sigh,†I think you need to be honest with yourself for a moment. Has it ever crossed your mind that maybe James was a little more attractive than you thought or . . . or that you’d want to snog him or something?â€
Lily stared at her hands. This was turning out to be a lot more awkward than she had thought and these romantic sorts of feelings were rarely spoken about to anyone. Except for with James, of course, who was now turning out to be the source of such things. And speaking about it with Sirius, of all people!
–I . . . I don’t know . . . maybe, I guess . . . I mean, I suppose he is attractive. Much more than he used to be. But I don’t understand how because in reality he hasn’t really changed,†said Lily, looking at Sirius with a confused and slightly lost look on her face.
–So he’s kind of, maybe, sort of attractive and it makes you sad?†Of all the adjectives to describe how someone made him feel, particularly someone he fancied, sad was among the last Sirius would have used.
–Ugh! Yes, it makes me sad! And mad, and angry , and happy, and . . .†cried Lily, breathing heavily in frustration. –Sirius, how did this happen? You’re not supposed to fall for your best friend! They’re just supposed to be there for you when the right person comes along. They can’t be the right one!â€
–But why not? Lily, you’re being irrational,†said Sirius in an attempt to calm her down, though he noticed how she had dropped any presumption of not knowing anything.
–Don’t you think it’s odd that suddenly I think it might not be such a bad idea snogging him? Me.â€
–And don’t you realize that in seeing your best friend, you’ll be dating a person who already knows you inside and out? They already know what makes you tick and they aren’t afraid of opposing you. There would be no getting to know you phase because you know what there is to know. You wouldn’t really need to change anything about that relationship. The only difference is that you get to hold hands and kiss him whenever you want,†finished Sirius, looking her straight in the eye and seeing . . . acceptance? realization?
–But –â€
–But what? Didn’t you say you were attracted to him and wanted to snog him? Then just go for it and see what happens.â€
–But Sirius, what if he doesn’t feel the same way or it ends up not working out?†asked Lily, voicing this with genuine concern. –We could never go back to before. It would be like losing Sev all over again.â€
Perhaps that was the reason for all of this. Maybe Lily was scared more of the fact that, in the end, it wouldn’t work and she’d lose her friend rather than the actual idea that she liked him in the first place. Maybe she cared too much about James and would take whatever relationship she could get so long as it lasted.
–You’ll never know unless you try, Lil,†he told her gently. –And you’d torture yourself wondering what if later on. And as for James, well, I don’t think he ever stopped caring about you.â€
Lily leaned over and gave Sirius a hug which he returned warmly. He kissed the top of her head before letting her go and allowing her to lean against him as she tried once again to read. She was grateful for his friendship, especially at that moment.
It didn’t take long for Lily to lay down her book again and stare out the window. In the distance she could just make out the form of James, and he appeared to have found the perfect tree, which he was now dragging back with an exhilarated look on his face.
Getting up, Lily looked back at Sirius, who gave her an encouraging nod. She gave him a swift kiss on the cheek in thanks before donning her boots and cloak and going out to meet James and whatever else fate had in mind.
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More Than a Friend by Secret Marauder 90
Chapter Endnotes: It's been a while, but I hope you enjoyed this, and don't forget to review!