Author’s Note: Hello. This is kind of a short chapter, and I apologize for that, but the ending seemed a quite nice way to make you all yell at me loudly. -grin-

I’m actually quite fond of this chapter. It flowed from my fingers quite easily, despite the fact that I’ve just recently come off a block. For today, I am stuck at home all day long with absolutely nothing to do, so who knows, I might even have chapter 12 done, by midnight. -double grin-

So now, of course, once I go ahead and say “DISCLAIMER: Jo’s, Jo’s, Jo’s,” I give you…

The train ride home for Christmas holiday had seemed especially long. Although James had become quite good at acting like everything was normal when it bloody well wasn’t, his friends could always tell when something was really bothering him. And something really was.

Lily.

He was such an idiot! Why did he do these things to himself? Why couldn’t he just let her go? Let McKinnon have her. (He could help but scowl at the thought.) Why did he have to keep -- oh, how he hated to say it -- hurting himself?

He would just have to stop. He had to…

“Oi, Prongs,” Sirius said, bunging a Chocolate Frog at him. It hit him on the nose. James looked up. “Something wrong?” asked Sirius. James never missed catching anything -- especially chocolate.

“Nothing,” muttered James.

“Right. And you’re sullen and scowling, and shredding your Famous Wizards Card, why?”

James looked at the bits of paper on the floor. He hadn’t even noticed.

“Nothing,” he repeated, turning to look out the window. “Nothing at all.” But this time he was talking to himself, not his friends.

…

Lily lay in the makeshift bed in Marlene’s room, trying not to make much noise. Marlene was still asleep, but Lily couldn’t. Sleep, that was. She didn’t know what it was, but something just didn’t feel right. It was early, but not an indecent hour. She hoped Marlene would wake soon. It was weird, for lack of a better word, to be up before Marlene. Lily was not usually a morning person.

She slipped out of bed into a pair of slippers and began to slowly tiptoe down the stairs. If she was going to be awake, she might as well make use of the time. She found her way to the backyard and pulled out her wand. Now was as good of time as any.

“Expecto --”

“Lily?” Lily looked up, abandoning her potential Patronus, to see Mick McKinnon coming towards her. “What are you doing up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” answered Lily vaguely. “I figured I’d get some more practice on the Patronus.”

“Always studying,” laughed Mick. “Why aren’t you in Ravenclaw, again?”

Lily smiled, though it was strained.

“Aren’t you cold?” he asked, putting an arm around her. “It’s freezing out here.” Lily didn’t respond. “Is something wrong, Lily? You seem upset.”

“Nothing,” said Lily. “It’s nothing.”

“You’re shivering.” She was. Somehow, though, it didn’t seem to be because of the snow. “Come on,” said Mick, taking her hand and leading her inside. “It’s too cold to be out this morning. I’ll make you a cup of tea, or something.”

He was so sweet. So wonderful. He was exactly the type of guy she had always said she’d end up with. So why did she feel like something was missing?

“Here,” Mick said, handing her a mug of steaming tea and taking a seat beside her. Lily clutched the mug with both hands and stared into the russet haze. She didn’t drink it though.

Mick put his arm around her. “What’s wrong?”

“Really,” said Lily quietly, “it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” Mick leaned in as if to kiss her, but Lily, unconscious of doing it, pulled away. Mick looked concerned. “Lily, if something is bothering you…”

“I really don’t want to talk about it,” she said, a little more snappishly than intended. Nonetheless, she stood up and made her way upstairs, leaving a rather upset look Mick behind. She felt guilty about treating him like that, when he had been nothing but nice to her. But…

She’d been here for a few days now, and she’d been surprisingly short with both Mick and Marlene. Marlene, she told herself, was excusable. Her friend was being utterly ridiculous and irritating…but Mick? What had he done?

Nothing. He’d done nothing.

And, strangely, it was this thought that consoled her as she climbed the creaking stairs.

“You’re up,” stated Marlene, as Lily walked into the room. Marlene was sitting on her bed running a comb through her hair.

“Yes.”

“You’re aware it’s not ten o’clock yet?” Her friend laughed.

“Yes.” Her voice was cold.

Marlene eyed her crossly. “Okay, Lily. Enough is enough.”

“What do you mean?” asked Lily, rather icily.

“You know bloody well what I mean. You! You’ve been acting like…like…Gosh, Lily, I don’t even know. Something’s come over you this year. You’ve changed. And then you come here, and we let you stay with us, spend Christmas with us…you’re not even happy here, are you? You’re not grateful, you don’t even care…”

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I’m grateful.”

“You’re not. I can tell. All you do is sulk. Sulk, sulk, sulk. Because no one understands you. No one understands you, do they, Lily?”

“Shut up!”

“You don’t talk to me any more, and if I even try, you go hide in your little shell! I’m not good enough for you anymore, am I? No, you go traipsing around with --”

“Now you’re going to bring up James Potter again, aren’t you?”

“Yes! Yes, I am!”

“This has nothing to do with him,” said Lily fiercely.

“It has everything to do with him, because everything is about him with you!” cried Marlene, throwing her arms up in the air.

“Now you’re just being stupid,” said Lily incredulously. “How in the name of Merlin is everything about him with me? Oh, I’ve gone to a Prefects meeting! Quelle horreur! I must be shagging him in secret and cheating on your brother! What is it with you, Marlene? I’ve changed?”

“Yes, you have!”

“Well maybe I have! But it’s a bloody good thing if I used to act like you’re acting now!” Lily said, her voice rising.

“See! There you go again!”

“There I go again! What am I doing now?”

“Putting me down. When all I try to do is help!”

“How is this helping?” asked Lily in disbelief.

But Marlene wasn’t to be interrupted. “No, you wouldn’t even try asking me, your friend. You wouldn’t talk to me. Because no one understands…poor, poor Lily, no one understands you! Because I, your best friend, I would never understand.”

Lily stopped. The allusion was not lost on her, but how…? Breathing heavily, Lily said, “You heard --”

“Oh, yes!” cried Marlene shrilly. “Yes! ‘I can’t talk to Mick!’” she mimicked. “‘And Marlene would never understand!’ No, Lily! You’re right. I don’t understand! I don’t bloody understand you! I would never understand…what a great excuse to go crying to Potter --”

“Shut up, Marlene,” said Lily very quietly.

“I’m not stupid, Lily. I know what you’re up to. I’m not a complete dolt, you know.”

“Really! Could’ve fooled me! Not a complete dolt, that’s some accomplishment!”

“I’ve tried to be a good friend! A good, understanding, friend! But I can’t be good enough for you! Ever since…”

“Ever since what, Marlene?” Lily’s voice was dangerously low.

Marlene’s voice faltered. “Ever since…Ever since your parents were killed! Look, I’m sorry! But don’t take it out on me! There’s nothing I could’ve done! You could’ve tried talking to me, you could’ve tried! I think -- I think were just looking for an excuse to run to Potter! What can he do that I can’t? Why can you talk to him and not me?”

Lily said nothing. She was frozen. Then finally, words came. They came bubbling out of her ferociously, like an exploding volcano. “You are…incredible. I can’t talk to you because you act like this! Don’t pretend you know what I’m feeling! Maybe I am being selfish, maybe I am being silly! Maybe I do act like no one understands me, but you know what, Marlene? I -- don’t -- give -- a -- damn. I don’t care! I’m petty! I’m stupid! I’m running to Potter! I don’t care! I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care!”

She had been yelling, but Lily now dropped her voice into a deathly whisper. “You want to know why I can talk to James, do you? Guess what, Marlene. James didn’t hear about Voldemort attacking me and my parents through his father in the ministry --”

Marlene winced at the use of his name. She had turned very white. “But…You-Know-Who…he just said there were Death Eaters…”

Lily ignored her. “He was there, Marlene. James was there. He saved my life. Why can I talk to him? I don’t know, maybe it’s because…because he’s the only one who knows what happened. Because…because he cares. Maybe he is an annoying git! Maybe he can be conceited! But at least he actually cares about me.” Tears were starting to leak from her eyes. It’s okay to cry, he had said. You’re allowed to mourn.

“I can’t stay here,” said Lily suddenly, turning away from Marlene. Most of her stuff was still packed. She threw a few random items into her trunk with a flick of her wand, and summoned a little pouch of Floo Powder from her jacket.

“Lily!”

Lily ignored her. Then, making her way over to the fireplace in Marlene’s room, she threw the Floo Powder in and shouted the first place that came to mind. Then, without looking back, she thrust herself into the green flames and went whirling away.

She arrived very ungracefully, sprawled on the floor, her trunk lying painfully on her ankle. She stood up, limping slightly, and gazed around her surroundings.

“Oh, gosh,” she whispered. And she sat down again on her trunk.

She hadn’t been thinking. It only just occurred to her how odd it was that the house was still connected to the Floo Network. There had been a law passed a year or so ago that any Muggle household that homed an underage witch or wizard should have the opportunity to be connected to the Floo Network, in case of an emergency. Lily had eagerly submitted an application, and had had her home connected for a little under a year. A lot of good that had done her, she thought bitterly.

But as she gazed around at her former home (and hadn’t she sworn never to return?), she was struck by how curious it was that the house hadn’t been disconnected. Technically, as her parents had said in their will that the house went to the older daughter, the house was Petunia’s, therefore a Muggle residence. Maybe they considered Lily still an inhabitant of the house, or maybe they simply had other, more important things to deal with than disconnecting a deserted home.

Either way, here she was, sitting breathless in her living room.

She said she’d never come back, never! It was just too painful. Every picture on the wall, every crease on her father’s chair, every scent of dust and neglect, it all filled her with a sense desperate loss. What would her mother say if she could see the dust on the mantle or the broken windows? She could see her mother cleaning the room fanatically, her father sitting in his green chair, laughing. When she was younger, she would sit on her father’s lap in that chair, and he would tell her stories about Kings and Queens, dragons and knight…She would listen, rapt with attention, intrigued by the sense of magic and thrill of it all.

Petunia would laugh and say something like, “You’re so silly, Lily. There are no such things as dragons!” Or she would tease her about the dragons that supposedly haunted her hallways at night.

Her mother would smile and tell her that if she wanted there to be dragons, there could very well be dragons in this world. She was right, wasn’t she? Then her mother would say, “It’s time for bed, Lily, Petunia. It’s late. Daddy will give you another story tomorrow, okay?”

And she and Petunia would head off to their individual rooms, Petunia pretending to be frightened of the dragon in the closet. But Lily wasn’t scared, because her mother and father were in the room across the hallway, and they would always protect her -- no matter what.

But they weren’t here now. They would never be. They could no longer protect her.

And suddenly, Lily was struck with a sense of fear so full and so complete, she thought she might explode.

It was daylight now, and the sun shone through the windows, scattered by the broken glass. Yet somehow, the house seemed darker than night itself. The sun was artificial, it didn’t exist. Though she could see clearly her surroundings, she felt blind. There was a darkness in the corners of her eyes that seemed to be creeping over her vision, like a painter painting a window black.

She stood up suddenly and began to walk towards the stairs. Up, she went. Down the hallway. Into her parents’ room.

It looked the same; it smelled the same. The closet door was ajar, and she opened it, breathing in deeply the scent of her parents. Her mother’s dressing gown was hanging on the door, where she put it every morning. Lily gently took it off its hanger and pressed it against her cheek. The cloth was soft; it comforted her.

The blackness was increasing.

She wrapped the gown around her.

So dark…it might as well have been midnight.

She crawled into her parents’ bed and curled up under the covers.

The blackness overtook her.

Lily opened her eyes, very slowly. She had a terrible headache. She was still in her mother’s robe, still lying in the bed, but she felt as though much time had passed. A glance at the clock across the room told her she was right. It was nearly five o’clock.

Something creaked out in the hallway. Lily jumped up, gripping her wand fiercely. Cautiously, she stepped out of the bed and crept slowly towards the door, the robe falling off her shoulders as she went.

She approached, holding her wand in front of her, ready to attack. “Who’s there?” No one answered. “I’m armed…I’m w-warning you!” She swung the door open.

No one.

She poked her head out of the door and look down the hallway. No one. She exhaled. She couldn’t stay here. She’d go mad if she did.

Lily descended down the stairs and found her trunk, unmoved, of course. She opened it and pulled out a green sweater. She changed quickly and brushed her hair. She still looked a mess, she was sure, but it was an improvement, at least.

She heaved her trunk upright and stood facing the fireplace, thinking carefully what she wanted to do. She couldn’t Floo back to Hogwarts; it was removed from the Network except for inside itself -- for safety reasons. So where could she go? Not back to Marlene’s…no. Absolutely not.

Now was not the time for rash actions, she reminded herself. It was dangerous just wandering around these days. But then…

Oh, whatever, Lily thought, frustrated. She threw some Floo Powder into the fireplace and stepped forward. She’d enter the flames and have to make a decision quickly, that was it (She always worked better under pressure).

She stepped into the fireplace and immediately felt the warm flames licking her body. It was not particularly uncomfortable, but she knew the Floo Powder would only last so long. She had to think of somewhere to go. She racked her brain. The words came out, but she hardly listened to what she was saying.

Let it take her where it must.