Ok, I admit. I tried my hardest to avoid posting a new over-long reply for this week, but I couldn’t. I’ve read this chapter twice and it is odd – yes, odd – that no more people have taken the time to this outstanding Sirius fiction. So, to not be redundant, I’ll try and not be repetitive in my lines and cut them down a bit. Enjoy the review – enjoy as I did reading this.

To comment to this project you have, I am utterly fascinated and awed; the fact that you’ve managed to make a successful start to a story I’m sure will burgeon into something unique, is incredibly cool. I’ve not encountered this sort of project anywhere else, except for the S.P.E.W.’s story, and it’s a revitalizing breathe in a still air to see that someone take the dare and do what they want.

Nutty, you’ve made two incredibly enjoyable, charming chapters. Your writing skill in this second chapter especially blew me off. Your descriptions are so vivid it’s meritorious; it painted such a dramatic, rich, euphonious colour to the scenes that I could see it right ahead of me – yes, that’s right. I’ve noticed you’ve got a very poetic, lyrical way of describing things, and in the end chapter two hadn’t only blown me off, but also left me in a state of euphoria. It’s poignant and yet lenient; I can’t tell exactly how I felt. The best way I could cut it in conciseness is: you describe it poetically and yet it seems explicit. And that’s not often I think about one’s writing.

Many can describe beautifully. Many can have them strong in meaning. Those are good writers. However, those who are truly good manage to set the tone and mood into the descriptions and so create the right atmosphere; you’ve managed that! You’ve got a talent in writing – you really have.

I especially loved your start; how the sun let its warmth shine down over the inhabitants and into the room and when you created the enigmatic feel of a figure lurking in the dark. Nicely done!

Even though it was much description in this chapter, I didn’t care; it was good enough written and filled with enough moves and action that I read on without complaints. You have managed to capture Sirius more mischievous personality in this chapter; his thoughts are very satisfying and it doesn’t seem as you add it just for the sake of adding it. It doesn’t seem rushed, along with the description or dialogue, instead it seems carefully chosen and in a nice tempo.

I liked how Sirius was disappointed when he didn’t get the letter he wanted in the start, and then got jocular when what he had awaited came. For he did await, right? It was funny when I found out that the letter where from Hogwarts, and that he completely forgot about it, and which was also why his parents got so nervous for a time. Well done!

He snickered for Bellatrix was sure to blame this on him, but would be unable to prove anything, as usual. He hid a smile as he ran out of his room to check on his handiwork. The owls and their deliveries forgotten…

Nice touch; you did well to have him snicker. Such random word-usage seems random and not important, but it is those small, seemingly insignificant uses of words that decides if a part is well written or just ok, and if you have a ‘wow’ factor or ‘it was good’ factor after you’ve read it. Snickered hit me because it seemed that was something Sirius would do, and so it was painted very vividly in my head. It was interesting to see how Sirius was completely different than the rest of his family; it showed that if Sirius had become a Slytherin, his values may have been as they were, and he wouldn’t be the kind person he became as a Gryffindor. It was a bit creepy, yet I accepted his more dark personality.

Sirius father is very In-Character; we don’t know much about him, or his personality, but I liked your view of him. He seems very well-rounded, fleshed and boned. He’s very believable and I like how he’s got traits from all the houses. He’s bitter and irate at muggles not only because they ARE what they are, but because they thought themselves superior and that wizards and witches were scum. It’s a nice way to show how other people, the ones wanting to get rid of muggles, does it not always of cruelty, but of loathing because of reasons. There Sirius’s father is an example. It shows a more human side of them; they’re deranged, corrupted by not seeing that it’s not all muggles who want such faith for wizards and witches, but only a minority. He fail to see them as a person, and instead as a group. It only strengthens my sympathy for him – so that was very nicely done of you. This line of yours sums up all what I’ve said in a nice manner and it shows that his loathing isn’t empty, but meaningful. It’s a pity he doesn’t manage to see people as they are and instead of history and humans as a group, to only see the negative.

“Mud bloods are scum, do you think those heathens would ‘accept’ us if they found out we exist? No, those hoard of insignificant ruffians would try to burn us alive, they’re not fit for anything except being our underlings, they have no other purpose.”

Oh, thinking about it, you should put in a ‘s’ after ‘those hoard[s]’. You see my point?

It is also interesting to see his pride in being a Black, how he believes that they are superior only of blood. The fact that he throughout the chapter reminds us how proud he is to be a black, as when he says that he should be allowed because Black’s are so special that normal rules don’t apply to Blacks. It reminds me a bit of Lucius Malfoy telling his son when he began at Hogwarts, that he would be deemed to be on the Slytherin Quidditch-team.

It would be interesting to see how they would react if they found out who Voldemort actually was …

Suddenly, a loud screech was heard echoing through the vast hallway of the manor.

This created a very nice atmosphere and tension. I wondered what was going on, and so I read the next paragraph to figure that out. A nice way to have readers clinging to your story when it begins to be a bit much description!

She frowned for it has been a week and there was still no word from Hogwarts. She was sure that her son was not a squib; her husband taught the boy quite a number of hexes and the boy performed them well.

Nutty, this arose some interesting questions that made me want to read; as with the same occasion as above, you give us questions so we willingly continue to read the story without stopping. What I began to wonder when reading this was: Who was the woman? Who was the husband? Why did she wonder if her son was a squib, and who was the child? What did she think she would get from Hogwarts?

When I contemplated those things, I figured some things; the woman and her husband were at least wizards. So, it is a full-blood family. Her baby, she was afraid was a squib because no letter of approval from Hogwarts came. I wonder, is this Sirius’s mother, her husband and Sirius, their son? If so, which I figured were right, I didn’t really get why Rodolphus was in the picture? Rodolphus wasn’t in their family at Sirius’s age here, and neither could he be together with Bella because of the age-differences.

He nodded and turned his attention back to the boy in front of him. “Now, Sirius, I did not call you down here for those extra lessons, but to ask why you didn’t inform us of your letter.”

Sirius gave his parents a confused look, “What letter?”

Here realisation dawned at me; one of the owls coming in to his room, were actually carrying his Hogwarts letter. And he forgot about it, which was the cause for his parents worrying. A very nice, clever touch that made me laugh when I realised it (Ps: I got a few heads turned in my direction).

“But I thought it’s just Cissy’s stupid ‘Things That I DO NOT WANT for my Birthday’ list,” Sirius tried to explain, “I usually ignore her dumb list anyway.”

“Go to your room!” she shouted at the boy.

“And bring me that letter,” her husband added calmly.

LoL! That was incredibly funny, how you managed to have Sirius traits straight as JK has it and yet make him sound like an eleven years old boy. The words you use is showing that he’s not an adult and that he’s still young. And the last line made me snort, by the way. I think you managed show each of his parents personality pretty well here; how his parents handles things completely different, was something that’s truck me. His mother is, may I say, a bit crazy and has got quite a temper. His father manages to control himself much better, which is obvious in the conversation he had with his son (for example when Sirius asked why thought so and so about muggles), and now. And the odd humour of it all was well done!

To some nit-picky things, since it’s just me being my usual, pedantic self, I’ll see if there are something that could be done better, worked on, formulated differently, etc.

Sirius hesitated but had decided to ask anyway, “Why do we despise Mudbloods so much?”

Sirius was in character here. And it is nothing grammatical incorrect. However, I do wonder, why did he hesitate? I know why, but it might be better to explain to others. Also, I think the line would flow better if you cut ‘had’ – you don’t need it and it hinders the flow.

Mrs. Black cleared her though and held back the urge to roll her eyes for now she knew where Sirius got that ‘short attention span’. “The letter,” she reminded her husband.
This does sound a bit rushed, and didn’t give the same positive effect that I’ve got before. I had completely forgotten her when the father and son talked to each other. It seemed as if she suddenly vanished and then appeared again; perhaps you could show Sirius seeing his mother at his sides of his eyes, just to remind us?

She shook her head and remembered that the man’s also the head of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Blacks; and that was the main reason as to why she married him. He’s obnoxious and she believed that his son would grow to be as insufferable as the father. Thank Salazar, she at least have Regulus to keep her sanity.

Something about this line confuses me. I think you should be more explicit in whom she though was obnoxious; if it was Sirius’s father, why did she think so? He clearly has the same view about muggles, etc., so why should she think him obnoxious? He’s arrogant, yes, but so is she.

I can’t believe why she would think Sirius would grow as obnoxious as her father; he’s clearly not done so and he also turned out not to be alike him. In my opinion a mother would know more about her son than that, even though she doesn’t care so much for him.

She narrowed her eyes at the boy’s impudence, “First years are not allowed to have brooms.”

It is something about her personality that is so enthralling, so pleasant to read. She seems very IC throughout the chapter and I’m glad to see that you’ve managed to make her the young figure of her being the same, bitter, hateful woman we know in OoTP. The thing that made her IC here was the share poison I imagined she put in each word to her son, and how her narrowing eyes showed her frustration. And Sirius, he seems such an innocent boy when asking if he could get a new broom. I got the image of him having a shy, yet eager look on his face, which made his mother disgusted. Sirius’s mother seems as If she’s clinging to life – the mere fact that she lives with such insufferable persons, and that the only reason she is with them is because they’re not meretricious, but valuable in fame and honour.

The dialogue between father and soon is incredibly well done; it had the nice air of questioning and answering in it, and it flowed well. The way that his father thought himself superior because of a black shone strongly through the dialogue, and I read it with a smile on my face. What was impressive was how you managed to catch the age differences in how they spoke. For example: “But I thought it’s just Cissy’s stupid ‘Things That I DO NOT WANT for my Birthday’ list,” Sirius tried to explain, “I usually ignore her dumb list anyway.”

This type of speaking is typical from a young boy or girl; they don’t think over the consequences what they say may bring, and says their opinion bluntly. They often add a last bit with mutterings, too. The word ‘stupid’ is also incredibly often used by young boys, and thus it reflected the fact that it was an eleven year old boy who talked.

And, thinking about that, I think the line would have been better if you re-worded it this way: ‘But I thought it’s just Cissy’s stupid ‘things that I do not want for my Birthday’ list,’ Sirius tried to explain. ‘I usually ignore her dumb list anyway,’ he muttered under his breathe. Oh, after ‘tried to explain’ in your line above, it should be period and not a comma because what’s after the birthday list is an independent clause. If you’re desperate to cling those two lines of talk together, you should have a semicolon after ‘tried to explain’.

He had visited Diagon Alley often, but never at this time of the year, he never dreamed that the place would ever be this packed. He waved as he saw Gideon and Fabian Prewett pass by with their very pregnant older sister, Molly.

This is a good opening-paragraph to the new POV from James. However, in the start here something is grammatically erroneous. For it to be grammatically correct, the sentence should be: He had visited Diagon Alley often, but never at this time of the year; he never dreamed that the place would ever be packed.

Even so, it sounds a bit clumsy. If I could give my opinion, I’d change the sentence to something similar to this: He had visited Diagon Alley often, nut never at this time of the year. It surprised him to see how the place was in hurly-burly; chatter rung from each side of the alley as wizards and witches tried to reach to the other through the mass of people. He waved to Gideon and Fabian Prewett as he saw them pass by with their pregnant older sister, Molly.

You got the idea; much more feeling and it read more fluently. Yes?

The rest of the three paragraphs flew by without any things I noticed – everything grammatical correct and I didn’t stop to wonder about some of the lines. The lines were coherent and well-done, and I got a nice image in my head. I especially liked how Molly and the Potters had a nice bond between them – it’s nice to see when those you have learned to love from books is friends with each other. It makes it all the more understandable why Molly takes Harry under her wings; she cared for his family, both James parents and himself, and thus, she wants to do something for them – to care for their only living descendant. Touching!

“Dad?” James asked.

“Great, there goes the neighbourhood,” Gideon muttered. (Ps: Since HP is British, you should add a ‘u’ after the ‘o’, like this: Great, there goes the neighbo[u]rhood …)

“What’s going on?” James ventured to ask once again.

“Blacks,” his father muttered darkly, “they think they own the place.”

I both liked and didn’t like this conversation. I liked the dry humour Gideon showed; I think it reminds me a bit of all the Wesley brothers, and such. What I don’t like about this is that it seems as if you’re avoiding ‘said’. Said is a word that is said to be ‘invisible’. It’s so common that we don’t stop reading for the sake of figuring what’s said. Authors use it for the sake of not interrupting the flow. That was what it did here. You can very well change ‘asked’ to ‘said’. And a bit of more description wouldn’t be a minus either. Here’s my version:

“Dad?” James said.

“Great, there goes the neighbourhood.” Gideon clenched his hand in a tight ball.

“What’s going on?” James ventured to ask once again; he wondered what all this fuss was about and couldn’t help but get curious.

“Blacks!” his father muttered shortly;”They think they own the place.”

Here I put away the comma because I don’t think it’s the appropriate thing to use. You could also employ a period instead of a semicolon. I erased the comma after ‘Blacks’ because Blacks should stand alone with an exclamation mark and the next sentence is an independent clause. And I marked the added ‘u’ with those […].

“Well dear, let’s just say that the Blacks have a different set of beliefs from us,” his mother explained.

I think that this captured James mother perfectly; I’ve always imagine her as a type of Molly, using ‘dear’ and such words. In my mind she’s a polite, nice and warm lady, which you’ve displayed very well in your chapter.

James’ father snorted. “That’s putting it lightly, those people tried to pass a Bill to legalize Muggle slavery and Muggle torture.”

His father’s retort after what James’s mother said had me into another gale of snorts. Is it from him James and Harry have got their temper? Interesting …
But, it should be a semicolon after ‘lightly’. If you don’t want a semicolon, use a period.

“May I at least check out the Quidditch store?” James asked.

“Go right ahead son, we’ll follow you in a while.” He father smiled and turned back to converse with Molly.

From this I got the feeling that his father had a very reasonable nature; yes, he, I believe, can be full of temper, but in this dialogue you showed another side of him. How he’s strict and won’t spoil his child even though he’s got the money to do so, which is very mature of him, and how he still gives his son things to do. So, even though he rejects one thing, he may allow another thing so that his son won’t get depressed. I like James’s father and Mother already. I am interested in seeing how their friendship will be shown even more in the next chapters (I’m looking forward to them already).

The younger boy nodded and stared at James. Large greenish objects with bat-like wings flew about James and dived straight at his face.

“What did you do Sirius?”

“It’s called a Bat Bogey Hex.”

You forgot a comma before Sirius – then it should be like this: “What did you do, Sirius?” I also think that, perhaps, Sirius was a bit too bold? He seemed much shyer with his parents and now he suddenly got over-bold. I think he seemed a bit OC here – perhaps having him answering Regulus in another way would help here?

James angrily tried to swat the flying bogies and pointed his own wand towards his attacker.

I got a vivid imagery in my head when I saw this; the adverb was used well – it fit in there --, and I had a rather funny image of James there. Oddly humorous!

The door tinkered open, “James Potter! What the hell are you doing?”

James pointed at Sirius, “He started it.”
This is something that you have to revise. I had to read many paragraphs before figuring who it was that stormed in and commanded James in such a way. We’ve got no inclination of whom it may be. However, three paragraphs below, I got a feeling it was his mother. To show who it was that stormed in with surprise, I would change it to: The door groaned open as everything happened to quick for James Potter. It took him some moment before he heard his mother’s voice shout ‘James Potter! What in Merlin’s name are you doing?” Bewildered by his mother’s sudden rage, he looked shakily at Sirius before pointing his index finger at Sirius. “He started it!”

That is just my way of seeing it; Even that can need some revising but it gives the scene a more livid atmosphere that shows how everything is going to quickly for James and how he then have to control himself to think clearly. Much more fluctuating emotions, and so a more intriguing ‘chat’, don’t you think?

Sirius glared at James and shot back, “You raised you wand towards Regulus first! Picking on defenseless children? You're a Potter right?” he stood up straighter and drawled. “A Bunch of filthy Gryffindors, so brave of you to pick on a kid who does not have a wand to defend himself with.”

James glared at the younger boy. “He took the book I was looking at.”

First for the corrections: Defenseless should be ‘defenceless’ since it’s British. I also think that you should add an ‘a’ before a ‘bunch, so it becomes, ‘A bunch of filthy Gryffindors, so brave of you to pick on a kid who does not have a wand to defend himself with.” Except that, I couldn’t find anything. I also like the sharp remarks the flung at each other; it will make the progress of them becoming friends all the more exciting. To have a small, sudden enmity altered to the most golden friendship will be a dream to watch if it will be done properly.

Sirius on the other hand continued to taunt James, “Brown-nosed, Mudblood-loving git.”

I like the temper of their words, it gives so much drama; however, try not go over-dramatic. I like this Sirius, for it will give so much sparks when he and James gradually become friends. But in the same time, it has to be done well if it’s going to be believable with their friendship. If it’s not, it won’t be that pleasant. So I hope the next author in this project manage the heavy task you’ve put upon him.

Mrs. Black sniffed disdainfully her nose high on the air, “Come Regulus, let’s buy that book of yours.” What I liked about this was the air of haughtiness and vanity she had of herself that you managed to show. She, along with her family, undoubtedly thinks of themselves as the most dignified, most important persons in the wizarding world, and thus acts of it. It Is pathetic to see them like this, but still it is the way I’ve pictured the black. What surprises me, though, is how Sirius never told Harry that he could have become like those too, hadn’t he been sorted into Gryffindor. And I wonder how you’re going to have Sirius into Gryffindor – that will without doubt be nice to see.

I also liked the end of this chapter; how Sirius won the quarrel and how James was staring in disbelief after him. I think that the tension that you managed to create in this heated conversation between the two rich wizarding families were very good – just me being pedantic and had to see every small, single details. I hope that you realise that I didn’t give such a long review because I found many mistakes, but because I enjoyed it so much that I had to help on as much as possible, so that it could get closer to perfection. I like your writing-style

And you have a way with characterization; Throughout the two chapters your view of the characters we know has been spot-on, and I loved the way you portrayed the people we don’t know well from Jo’s world. Your view of Sirius is utterly fascinating and I accept his more influenced personality; I am eager to see how your co-writers will manage to make him into Gryffindor and give us his nowadays personality. Thus far, characters, especially Sirius, his mother, James father and James were well-rounded; they were fleshed, they seemed believable, and their ‘new’ traits were fun to read about. It’s so lovely that actually some people manage to catch that essence of a IC and yet make them their own. Your Sirius is exactly that; I love how is confidence is displayed and that he’s got the cruelty and arrogance of a Black. It would be weird if he hadn’t been stained by them, so what I’m looking forward to now is to see how his character will alter to a more positive personality, and yet carry with him the essence of both your and Jo’s view of him. It’s surprised me that Sirius and James haven’t walked off the page yet – it’s bizarre to know I’m not watching the fight, when it felt as I was in there, in the picture. I think that the dialogue from each character had its own fundamental nature, and that it reflected their personality. Through dialogue I got to know that James was easily angry and very high-spirited one. I found out that Sirius was more arrogant and cruel and was very influenced by his parents. Through action, I figured that Regulus cared for his brother, but was hanging with the most ‘powerful’ guys. Through dialogue and actions I figured that Sirius’ father was insufferably arrogant and haughty; he was spoiling his kids and did things for his own gaining. Through dialogue I got the picture of James’ mother to be caring, nice, a bit like Molly in affection, and that she was loved by very many. His father knew where what should be allowed should end (for not spoiling his kid), but he never let his children down because he allowed something (for example, to look at the brooms) else, so that the child – here James – forgot what he didn’t be allowed and instead was happy that he got to do something else.

You’ve got rich scenes that plays out before the reader with a certain velvetiness. I see everything in bright, vivid colours despite the certain gloom this chapter contained. I love the way you word matters. And I’m interested in reading more about the parents of Sirius Black and James Potter.

*looking up at review, 4700 words, I figure that I should probably stop. I hope you managed to read all of my ranting, and that it gave you something to think about.* So, I’m going to do it short, not to be any more redundant. Congratulations on making one of the best starts of a story on this site. This was a great introduction, and I hope that the next chapter will be as good as this. This desirvers a very, very strong 10!

Author's Response: Wow thanks James no one described my writing as poetic before I owe plenty from reviewers much like yourself most of whom bludgeoned me with reminders to 'show' and not just 'tell' ... and I appreciate every one of those reminders.

I just thought that at that young age, Sirius would have been a lot like Draco Malfoy only he'd have more guts as well as that mischievous side. Being that they were probably raised in almost the same manner. I always did picture Sirius as having that 'mean streak'. Gryffindor probably tempered this to just a 'slight mean streak' ^_^ ... also figured that someone extroverted was obviously not picked-on at a young age ...his mother is obviously not the sweet loving type ... so ... it's off to the delusional father who encourage rotten behavior *lol*

On Rodolfus I guess I jumped to that without explaining *lol* ... Bella is 10 years older than Sirius so she's 21 ... I'm assuming she's and her fiance were preparing to get married. Traditional conservative families probably wouldn't want the couple to sleep in the same house during the preparation thus Rodolfus stayed in Sirius's family ... I think I go find a way to insert that in.

I figured since Grimmauld held no reminders of Sirius's father (no portrait, and Mrs. Black never mentioned him)... I assumed that this was so because Mrs. Black despised her husband (maybe not in the same degree her hate for Sirius but there's no indication that she missed or sougt her husband). I know she approved of Regulus so it's safe to assume that Regulus is the only one she might have loved.

*L* you got me ... I'm not so fond of the word 'said' ... I prefer alternatives *grin*

I'm amazed at your analysis of their parents ... I was thinking more in the simplistic line of: James ought to have nice parents and Sirius the dysfunctional ones. *L* (We both know Mrs Black is deranged so there's got to be something wrong with the guy who married her.) You actually went far deeper in your analysis than I did. Made me actually see their upbringing at a different perpective. I'm sure the other authors would find your anslysis extremely helpful as well in their writing of the future chapters.