Nice first chapter. It does what a first chapter should do; creates interest in what comes next. Very well done and so very sad. I look forward to what comes next. Hopefully, Serra will find some happiness...soon.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review-And im honored! I really love your story too! Portraying Remus like that must have been quite the original idea, Unique! I made a little mess up so Serra's eyes are not fully explained untill the third chapter (hopefully) but the second chapter has happiness...or some. Story gets moving around the third! thanks again for the review!

Welcome back, Polaris. And quite a comeback it is. You do drama very well in addition to creating suspense; I’m so curious about that little silky-haired blighter! I also commend you on your creativity: those eyes of Serra’s. Wow! Looking forward to more!

Author's Response: Thank you moony, you really are the best...but you will find that I will give away nothing...yet. :)

You said you would like some hints for your story so, lets see...there was a typo (minuet instead of minute). That's the only hint I feel qualified to give. You are doing a great job. Your writing has a lovely flowing quality; almost poetic. Also, I like the fact that you create mystery by giving a few details but not revealing too much at once. It makes me look forward to what comes next.

Author's Response: ditto...again *smiles*

I was led to your story through the BA Challenge forum, and am very glad I decided to check it out. What a beautiful piece this is. Your use of the English language is lovely. The imagery is exquisite, and the emotion is palpable. Sometimes I feel that writers try too hard to be poetic with their imagery, and it comes off contrived and ‘flowery’, yet this is simply elegant. I won’t pick out specifics because the whole thing is that way. Well done.



You also portray the young Minerva in a way that seems very consistent with the adult McGonagall we know.



A polite yet distant letter from the Ministry of Magic regretfully informed her that William and Diana McGonagall would not be returning home.


This is the only passage that gave me pause, and that was just for a moment. My first thought was that surely they would inform someone of a family death in person, especially a child still in school. But the Ministry of Magic does seem to be coldly detached, completely impersonal. And it works so well as you have written it in your story, I can’t even offer criticism here. :)



I look forward to the BA challenge banners, because if the talented members can portray even half of the beauty of your story, there will be lovely entries indeed.


Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I agree that that one passage falls flat. I messed with it quite a bit, but nothing I did really worked there. If I have the time, I\'ll think on how to change it. Anyway, I\'m glad you liked the story and that you took the time to both read and review.

Rats, Mask. I've messed up your reviews by leaving out a stupid formatting tag. So let me add another thing I love about this chapter to make up for it. Well done on the werewolf. I love that description of its eyes, and that you didn't make it look like some Hollywood monster. *cheers.*

Author's Response: *uses super-powers to edit the html tag* MOONY, that review was completely SPEW-worthy. Just so you know.

I knew I\'d missed some stuff in those parts. I\'ll go back and edit. I\'m very glad you liked young Remus. As for the candles... I was hoping they didn\'t go out while I was writing. Did you know it\'s hard to write and hold your breath at the same time?

Wow. That was stunning. I must agree with you regarding deanine’s brilliance. I think she has proved it even more by finding the perfect person to bring her ideas to life. You have done an amazing job taking my favorite character from the gentle lovely man he is and putting him in a role that is so different from the expected. The imagery is beautifully done, the writing superb, and I can not wait to see what comes next! Wonderful!

Author's Response: Thank you! I hope that the story lives up to your expectations.

Wonderful! Something made me click on your story and I’m still not sure exactly what it was. (It may have been your author name!) But it was probably your summary. You made it clear that I would be seeing a pre-Hogwarts view of Sirius and that he was going to show the influence of his upbringing in terms of self importance and superiority, and I was intrigued. (Although, I must disagree that Sirius is our favorite…that would be Remus, but this is your story…and Sirius is a close second so I over looked that. ;)) Anyway, I don’t normally review a summary, but I thought yours was one of the best I’ve seen. Only one tiny thing, when you say Sirius is the favorite, you put characterS. It should be singular. Nit picky, but the story, (at least the first chapter which is as far as I’ve gotten so far) is so well done, a little typo stands out.

Which brings me to your story; I agree with your other reviewers. I think showing Sirius with the prejudice that his family would have instilled in him is a stroke of brilliance. I think we often want to believe the characters we love are perfect and it isn’t easy to show when they have serious flaws, but it makes them so much more believable. Your portrayal is very realistic since children really are influenced by their parents, at least in the beginning. I adore the image I’m getting of Sirius and Regulas as brothers. Sirius playing with Regulas, tolerating him to a point as all older siblings do with their younger ones, then becoming a bit irritated, and of course, protecting his little brother, seems so real and has such a melancholy feel. I suppose it is the fact that I know what is to become of them, but the way you have written it is just lovely. I want to scoop them up and whisk them away from that wicked house and let them be happy and whole. You have made me very sad. Well done!

Again, the story is so beautifully written that I feel the need to point out minor technical flaws (things I probably wouldn’t even notice in a lower quality story, do you know what I mean?) I hope you don’t mind. I would like to see you italicize the Book titles Sirius reads in the library. A small detail that would only enhance the quality of your wonderful story. So, anyway, fabulous start to what I expect will be a great fic. I have a feeling I’m going to be sad a lot, which I probably should be in a Sirius centric fic, (there was more to him than good looks and pranks!) Thank you.

Author's Response: Wow! First of all, thank you so much for commenting (and what a comment it is!) I was having a bad week and this has totally made my day! First of all, the name PuckerUpRemus came to me…well, because if I saw Mr. Lupin, I’d walk right up to him, grab his lapels, say it, and then proceed to snog the man unconscious. But, seeing as he’s your favorite, please don’t hold that against me. Sirius is by far my favorite character (that doesn’t mean Remus doesn’t need some luvin’). I tend to love the dark, moody, “woe is me”, gorgeous types…it’s a curse. As to where the idea for this story came from, here’s the skinny of it: I have always wanted to READ a pre-Hogwarts Sirius/Regulus story but it seems no one has ever written one! Well, to the extent of ideas that were in my head anyway. When I first read OoTP, and Sirius mentioned Regulus as “My idiot brother…blah blah”, for some reason when I read that I felt there was a love between them at one time and Sirius had some deep regrets about the way their relationship ended. Almost as if he felt responsible that he could not convince his brother that their parent’s views were so wrong…because he was “soft enough to believe them”. I’ve read hundreds of stories where Regulus is an “idiot” and Sirius hates him, but no one has ever dove into the reasons or how their relationship faltered. This is going to get difficult to write, but I will keep plugging away. So thank you so much for the comments. I am so happy someone else agrees with the path I have (so far) led these characters on. Chapter 4 (Chapter 3 will be sent to the mods this weekend), that I’m working on currently, is rather difficult, because we find Sirius finally getting to school…and well, you’ll just have to read it to find out what happens! As for the grammar errors, I’m still learning this HTML stuff! I can’t get the stinking thing to italic. (Note: My PuckerUpRemus above is a test with < I > and < / I > so hopefully it’s working!) I want people to share all their thoughts, good or bad, so please don’t hesitate or apologize for pointing those items out! Thanks again soooooooo much!

Author's Response: Gack! The whole bloody thing is italics and that post was supposed to be three seperate paragraphs! LOL! I forgot responses were italics...but I will try the < i > < / i > in my next chapter post. Thanks again. And yes, I'm always this loony. =)

Oh, the heartbreak of unrequited love…especially when you are young and hopeful. :`( You have captured that very well. This was a lovely, moving story. In a very short space, you made me have feelings for a character I hadn’t known before. Well done.


Now those feelings varied, which is good. In some ways, I felt so sorry for her, but at other times, I wanted to slap her and say wake up; move on! And when she had the dignity to walk out on James, even when she didn’t want to, I was proud of her. That is a good sign that she is more than a one-sided character.


I do have a couple of quibbles. I don’t mind the idea of Sirius flirting with her, as I have no problems thinking about him being a bit of a ladies man. I don’t think of him as comically and overtly flirtatious, though. Remus says everyone thought Sirius (along with James) was the “height of cool.” The thought of him “waving like an idiot” doesn’t quite fit that image. Also, in the part of the sorting, I rather felt that the descriptions you gave of James and Sirius were reversed. Of course, being from the POV of someone with a crush on James, perhaps her view of him is distorted. Still, if there was anything I would change to improve this lovely story, it would be those two things.



You know, the thing I like the best about this story has to be the notion that no matter how smart a person is, and no matter how many different people she/he could date, there is not much they can do about their feelings. There is often no explanation for why one person falls for another. Chloe knew James didn’t care for her, knew she could date others, but she couldn’t change her feelings. Even when he was a big jerk and hurt her, she still didn’t get over him. It took the finality of him marrying another woman to get her to finally move on. You have done such a lovely job with her; I hope she moves on to happier things. Again, well done. :)


Author's Response: Wow, thanks! About the Sirius comment; I agree. That was a bit rash of him. And thanks for the comments. What I like the best about this story is exactly what you said in the last paragraph. You did a great job explaining it! Thank you for the lovely review!

I could read this poem over and over. In fact, I periodically do. That is why it is on my favorites list. ;) I should have told you how wonderful it is long ago. I could have sworn I did, but I had recommended it somewhere and must have confused that with a review. *blush* Forgive me. Anyway, you have worked magic with these words. The lines are so descriptive, not only telling a story but painting a lovely and bittersweet picture of Remus’ young love. You have captured this all just as I imagine it would be. And the end…my heart breaks. You really have a gift. You have done in only 131 words what it has taken me some 340,000+ to try to do. :*/ I’m in awe. Thank you for sharing this.