Hermione Granger wasn’t a woman that was easily impressed. She found most young men pretentious and tedious, just as they found her obnoxious and opinionated — at least after she opened her mouth in more than polite conversation.

I love this. It’s just so much Hermione’s character as we’ve come to know it through the books, but nicely transposed into you’re premise.

…telling her that while opinions were nice, they weren’t a luxury an unmarried woman in her early twenties could afford.

This is just so true for that era. You’ve really captured the attitude perfectly.


They had been disappointed when the oldest one moved south to marry some French woman she couldn’t remember the name of…

Nice! ;-p You’ve done a great job of working everyone in, from Percy’s political ambition to the twins’ very in-character scandals.

The fact that Hermione didn’t want to marry either young man, didn’t stop her parents from feeling highly disgruntled at the turn of events.

Loved this.

“Miss Hermione, you know something like that just would not due.

It should actually be ‘do’ not ‘due’ in this sentence.

I love Sally. She’s a wonderful character, and her efficient and practical stoic-ness is a great foil for Hermione’s somewhat naïve good intentions, and disspite the fact that you have not actually written her accent, I can still hear her voice quite clearly in my head. You’ve written her dialogue so perfectly, the extra prop just isn’t needed.

Only men that didn’t really knew her had ever done that.

This should be ‘know’ instead of ‘knew’.

I absolutely adore this story - you’re portrayal of Charlie here at the end is just tantalizing :-)


Author's Response: Thank you so much - again. Both for correcting my errors and for the review. I really appreciate the time and effort you put into this.

You must have done a lot of research to write this story, and it really shows in all the beautiful details; the richness of the environments, the nuisances of the dialogue and cultural morays. It truly makes this something wonderful to read.

I have to admit, I got so caught up in this chapter that I was half way through before I realized I had completely forgotten to take any notes for my review! *grins sheepishly* I just cannot tell you enough how much I enjoy this story.

It was also of the same magenta colour as the twins’ frock coats, and looked like it was quite unsuitable for shores around the house.

I believe it was supposed to be ‘chores’ instead of ‘shores’ here.

She stopped when she heard voices from one of the room. She wasn’t exactly sure why she stopped,…

I think you meant to pluralize ‘room’ here.

I adore how you bring in elements from the books, like Kingsley and Angelina, or Madame Maulkins and the maroon colours of the WWW shirts, and blend them into your world. You do it so well, that unless you’re reading carefully, it’s easy to not even realize some of them are there at all.

Fred and Angelina’s relationship is so sad, and yet tender at the same time, and Hermione’s subsequent turmoil over their overheard conversation was extremely well written.

Behind her she could hear the surprised voice of the man she’d just met. “Did she just call me Mr Jordan?”

“Apparently our brother knows what he’s doing,” one of the twins’ voices replied…

I just loved this passage this whole scene, but especially this last passage *grins* The implications that Charlie’s entire family knows of his designs on Miss Hermione, and is actually sizing her up whilst she is relatively unawares is fun, and sweet. :-)


Author's Response: Thank you so much. I know this response is late, but your lenghty, detailed reviews really make me happy to read. Thank you so much for taking such time to write them both.

Can I tell you - This was absolutely hilarious *grins* I was looking through your stories, wondering which one I should review and this one just jumped out at me; after all, how often does one see a story about Aberforth? Not only have you made something extremely amusing, but you’ve managed to work in some lovely imagery that just adds depth over and above what one normally finds in a humour story.

The fake dawn could be seen as a mere glow between grime lines on the stain glass windows.

I absolutely loved this – so very evocative and ominous. Actually, I adore this whole paragraph, but felt it was gratuitous quoting ;-p

His hands supported his elderly frame on the scrubbed wooden tables, and shook in the candle light of the stubs that were near to extinguished.

This is lovely imagery.

He picked up his spork with a shaking hand, and almost had the scrambled eggs to his mouth when suddenly, a tawny owl flew full pelt into the window.

*snorts* And you wriggled in a spork! Extra points for you.

You’ve really brought Aberforth to life, and I think he is now one of my favourite characters. You’ve given such amusing madness, and even given him nuances and facets, which frankly, is quite an accomplishment with a character who is not only minor, has never even actually appeared in the cannon narrative!

Aberforth suspiciously stabbed a sausage, sniffed it, and then held it out to his goat to smell.

“Alright, you think Chuck?”

*Dies*

You’re use of the required elements was clever and nicely worked in. It felt very natural and avoided sounded the slightest bit contrived, which can be very hard to do when you’re working with prompts.

He’d never set hide nor hair near the Greenhouses in all his time at Hogwarts. He had the odd tendency to break out in bouts of Pox every time the words ‘plant’ or ‘Herbology’ were mentioned.

I’m fairly sure Pox is not supposed to be capitalized here, any more then you would capitalize ‘cold’ or ‘flu’. I could be wrong, though.

Privet and Yew trees lined the periphery of the garden area forming a strong solid hedge.

You should have a comma after ‘strong’.

The grass around the small brick path was of varying shapes and hues, and the odd Geranium and Daisy could be seen as well.

I’m nitpicking now, I know, but ‘geranium’ and ‘daisy’ shouldn’t be capitalized here.

You’re descriptions are so vivid, I can see the maze perfectly. You’ve really gone out of you way to work in texture, utilizing all the senses from touch to scent, and it adds to the experience beautifully.

Squinting his eyes, he turned the book upside down, and chuckled to himself as he realised that the intricately inscribed designs were in fact, words.

I love the sly humour you’ve used :-)

Aberforth found himself suddenly riddled with a sad, morose feeling. It was very rarely he had an in-depth conversation with anyone. He was quite sure that Chuck understood him at times, but there was the speech barrier. As clever, witty, and talented as Aberforth was, he couldn’t speak goat.

Awww! I like how you’ve worked this in. See? Your Aberforth has facets.

“There’ll be next year. S’long as no twittering birdies do interfere with my eggs, you hear?”

*laughs* An absolutely perfect way to end it. Brava!




Author's Response: I know I already PM\'d you, but coming back, this is a review you really want to read on a day that\'s been a bit low, and it\'ll brighten you up. You\'ve made me remember what it was to be a newbie, writing this for fun and it really, really made me happy you chose to review this :)

You have a true gift for descriptions, you really do. The small details you include add so much depth to the narrative that it’s easy to picture the scene as you’ve envisioned it.

Now, however, there only lingered a distinct smell that managed to creep its way even through the delicious scent of his mother’s roast. It was an intoxicating, insidious scent. It was the smell of remaining torment. The stain of malicious intent.

Perhaps it was all in his head, though.

This is so effective – it really puts the reader into Charlie’s head without a lot of supposition, and I love your description of the dragons – so un-romanticized, yet very realistic. I mean, they really are just great big lizards, aren’t they? *grin*

I love the way you’ve brought them together. Their union is just so melancholy, yet achingly sweet. This is sort of the aftermath I always imagined after the World Wars; people desperately seeking comfort in a world that seemed broken. The growing promise of love is lovely – and makes Charlie very appealing. *grin*

This is really, truly wonderful, and really shows how much you’ve grown as a writer since writing Six Year.

This is a very interesting character piece, pulling together lots of hints we've had into Remus's character and giving them life. I look forward to seeing how you develop him further.

I loved the opening paragraph of chapter one, and thought it was superbly effective; the style went a long way towards conveying the mood to your audience very quickly, and with a certain amount of menace, despite it’s short length. Great job!

The other three Marauders are very nicely done. Sirius is a bit of a trouble maker and James has that slightly arrogant charm that we've come to expect of him, but what I really enjoyed was your treatment of Peter. He was very much the third wheel; eager to try and fit in with the other boys. You even show us a hint of the sweetness McGonagall spoke of in PoA. This is a character that is very easy to write as one dimensional evil, but you’ve made him human. The humor you’ve written in with these boys is well handled, and again, I liked Peter’s part in the bandages gag. The Marauder’s Map in its early stages is a fun addition, and one I’m sure all your readers will enjoy.

Severus Snape was absolutely perfect – it was so wonderfully easy to hear his sarcasm dripping from every syllable – thank you!

The only possible point I can offer is plot. The link between the werewolf Remus and his dreams of his sixth year self is very vague. You may have plans for this, and have done it this way on purpose because of later chapter developments, but I just wanted to point out that as your reader, at this point I'm not really sure what the struggle is in this story, other then Remus's desire to show well as a Prefect this year. Developing this connection in the upcoming chapters, as I’m sure you plan to, will only give your story extra ‘punch’.

You’ve done a great job here - the individual parts are really well written, with nice flow and good dialogue. I'll definitely continue to follow this story.

Some of the sentence structure is a little awkward in places, mainly in the first paragraph, but most of it is forgivable stylistically for the wonderfully dark and emotive mood you’ve set. I’m not sure if you corrected it, if it would be as effective. There are infrequent punctuation errors and a couple of awkward phrases, but overall, this is very well done.

Those of the Wizarding World were well aware of Voldemort’s rapid rise to power once more and had begun to fear the worst, for the enlisted help of the man who once posed the biggest threat (excluding, of course, the luck of Harry Potter) to Voldemort had now gone.

I wanted to point out this one sentence – it’s very long, and tends to lose the reader part way through. You may consider splitting it up, something like: ‘Those of the Wizarding World were well aware of Voldemort’s rapid rise to power once more, and had begun to fear for the worst. The man who had posed the biggest threat to his regime, next to the luck of Harry Potter, was now gone.’

I’m really not a fan of the ‘Draco is really a nice bloke under it all’ stories that are so prevalent when reading character pieces of our favourite ferret.

Thank you for not making it one of those! Draco’s regret is genuine and hard won. It is not the product of being beaten by his father, or brainwashed by his mother or anything else that would increase our sympathy for him, and make his life choices more likable to our eyes, as is sometimes used and usually leaves this complex character cheapened.

Yet you write him with sympathy. He is the same spoilt and arrogant boy that tormented Harry during Hogwarts, but he’s endured. He’s become someone pitiable, thought that would be an anathema to him.

There was at least an inch of water pooling into a lake at his feet, sometimes sent into splashing ripples by the occasional rat traipsing past his toes. His shoes were soaked, his socks clinging wetly to his toes. And how his feet itched…he knew they had swollen from pruning, his open pores causing bloating. If he could drown through his feet, he surely would have by now.

This is just so gruesomely macabre, and you use it wonderfully to really draw us into Draco’s plight. You’ve written this image so well, your reader can’t help but imagine it, and feel the dampness and the discomfort with delightful chills. *grin*

He was not ready to die.

So simple, yet so evocative – this really summed up the moment and perfectly portrayed the reduction of Draco’s thought process as he realized the multitude of consequences for his failure. He would never go back to Hogwarts, and even if he did he would be a pariah, his father’s disappointment and dismissal, and his own likely torture and punishment.

The torch had burned out.

An absolutely brilliantly poignant ending.

Lovely piece – and a wonderful look at the possible consequences of Draco’s actions during HBP.

This story may have benefited by some careful beta work. Your somewhat frequent re-use of the same words in close proximity to one another, and other small errors really distract from an otherwise cute story idea.
She pulled her multi-coloured scarf around her neck and laughed happily as she tripped over a root poking its way out of the snow, and landed in the snow.
Example: you've used snow twice in this sentence.
I wanted to make you aware, the bit with her freezing was rather cliché and felt more like lazy storytelling. It is a cute reference, both to your title and the fairy story it's alluding to, but unless Jamie had cast a hex on her, her lips wouldn't freeze like that excepting if she were suffering from extreme exposure, which is serious and can lead to amputations; not at all a romantic outcome.
The back story given for Eliza really serves no purpose except to underline her suffering, and really doesn't contribute to the narrative except to make her a bit of a boarder-line Mary Sue. Character death is a lot like chlorine in tap water – something to be added cautiously, and only for very specific purpose, otherwise your reader's reaction becomes watered down to the point they just don't care. Her sister's death at the hand of a metal patient, and her mother's eventual derangement and death by crushing when she brings the drawing room down on herself really aren't needed to justify accepting a kiss from a boy, as Hermione seems to suggest at the end. This level of suffering just wasn’t needed to forward such a light, fluffy piece, and really served more to break the mood you had worked so hard to create for your reader.
The characters of Elizabeth Weasley and Jamie Jordan are cute, and the swing set scene is nicely done. You have a lot of potential in your writing, with good technical skills and nice descriptive talent. I hope to see you writing again soon, and hopefully you will be able to incorporate some of these suggestions into your next story to the betterment of an already promising talent.


Author's Response: Thank ou very much Nyruserra for you review. With the whole lips freezing incident, I never really thought of it the way you put it, lol. Thanks for all the advice like Character Death, and i\'ll be sure you work on those things. Thanks for the review, Nicole :)

Some young wizards dream of becoming the first-ever Dragon Tamer. Many hope to be famous Quidditch stars. Now and then, one will desire to be Minister of Magic.

And some wish to win renown for fertilizers, honking daffodils, and plants that try to eat their gardeners. Neville Longbottom was one of these.

Shall I mention again how much I love your characterization of Neville? I shall sign-up on the first available application sheet as your very own fangirl, I swear. *grins*

She had not forced Neville to follow in his father’s footsteps because it was the only successful way she knew; it had been her way of coping, of remembering. It had been a hope that if Neville kept trying, something of the son she had raised might reappear.

This is just perfect – I love how you’ve show her to be still grieving for her only child under her very tough exterior. I don’t think many of us often think about how difficult it must be for Augusta.


They were so different, he and his Gran. Come to that, she wasn’t much like his father either. By all accounts, his father had had an easy laugh, a quick sense of humour, and a love of life, none of which his father’s mother seemed to possess.

I’m only mentioning this because it really struck me as I was reading it – I think, perhaps a semi colon would work better in place of the comma between ‘life’ and ‘none’, because the last bit is more of a separate clause – I’m positive it’s still correct as it is, though, it just might be clearer with the semicolon.

I love the way you express their thoughts, deep revelations and understandings all mixed up with the more mundane thoughts of every day – clean socks and how time passes. It’s very real, and touching and gaugh. I just adore the whole ending. The new equilibrium he and his Gran achieve is wonderfully understated and full of comfortable melancholy; the familiar ache of time passing and faint regrets gentled by the acceptance of how well they turned out, almost right under your nose.


Author's Response: My day has just had a very dramatic upturn! Thank you so much! I love how you can say in words why something works, when I only know it does *insert eyeroll smiley here* And thanks for the note on the semicolon -- I\'ll probably go back and change that.

I love how you’re showing us Padma’s feelings during the events of GoF. She’s often overlooked, and her somewhat bitter assessment of the situation, especially as compared to her own twin, Parvarti is refreshing.

This is an unusual pairing. I have to admit, I clicked on this story rather randomly, based solely upon the fact that Seamus is one of my favourite, oft-ignored characters, and the pairing intrigued me. I like how you’ve handed the relationship between the two twins – we of course see more of Parvarti, as readers, as she is actually in Gryffindor, and therefore interacts with Harry more frequently; but you’ve taken it a step further, using this as a basis for Padma’s somewhat over-shadowed personality.

The build-up is a tad weak, though I was glad with how you addressed the obvious problem inherent in the fact that they are in completely different houses who share very few common classes.

“No, I’m Padma, Parvati’s sister.”

I find it interesting, how she would feel the need to point out that she is Parvarti’s sister; as if there were many completely unrelated people wandering around who just happened to look identical to the two of them. Perhaps she just babbles under pressure. *sniggers*


When I looked back at my eggs, I realized that they had been arranged like his face.

*sniggers* Okay, I have to wonder now, how one can arrange scrambled eggs into such a Picasso-esq portrait *grins*

You do a good job of arousing your readers’ sympathy – Padma is a very real character, and you’ve portrayed her sympathetically, and without the rather overdone and heavy-handed drama that can bear down a cute little story like this, like an albatross around the neck.

You’re grammar and spelling are quite good, with no real errors jumping out to distract from your writing (which is well done, as I tend to catch a lot of them *lol*)

All in all. a very cute read, and one I’m glad to have found.


Author's Response: First off, thank you so much for this really long review! Reviews that simply say, \"I liked it a lot,\" are nice to get, but they don\'t really say what the reader liked and disliked. I just wanted to make a comment about the eggs thing. I thought since Padma has quite a little crush on your hands, she can\'t escape him. It only looked like Seamus to her because he is what was floating around in her head. Does that make any sense? Sorry for that long explanation. I\'m glad you thought I portrayed Padma well. I wasn\'t sure if I was overdoing everything.