Wow. Pretty!

I enjoyed your pattern. It was a bit sing-songish, but more of a chantish sound as I read it in my head. It all felt natural to me, though your usage of commas seemed off to me. In lines like

"Condemned as a ghost,"

I don't think the comma was necessary. I was confused by it, and it made me pause while I was reading because it threw off my rhythm. You don't need to end every line with some form of punctuation.

You expressed Nearly Headless Nick rather well while staying in the limits of your rhyme and meter. I'm sure he regrets his decision to stay behind in this world, and you expressed that particularly well.

I'm surprised you didn't delve into the circumstances of his death further(beheading is rather odd for a wizard, and I would be interested to see your take of it), but I suppose it might have been difficult to fit in well.

I think you've put down the essence of how Nick must feel looking back at his choices, and I applaud you for it. I'm glad I clicked on this!
--Selina

Well, first off, your summary made me laugh. Before I even started reading, I was giggling - a good sign, I was sure.

Now, I just love the idea for this. It's really original, and keeps the reader thinking throughout the whole thing. There were parts that made me smirk, smile, and feel sad. Sometimes at the same time.

I love the perspective from which you told the story. It would have lost some of its charm if it had been told from third person, or from Luna's point of view. Rolf's voice is entertaining, and his regard to things is rather humourous. I absolutely loved his reaction to the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, and to Luna's reaction to his. It was sweet, and sad, in a way.

I loved the ending. I wasn't expecting a appearence of a CHS (see, I'm too lazy to write it out all the way.), and I loved how that developed the ending. I actually nearly cried when Luna said she didn't believe, because it's part of who she is. It really shows us how she reacts, as an older, more experienced person.

I absolutely luurrvved the last line. It was sweet, and made me smile.

Overall, a fantastic story, and I absolutely loved it.

~Selina

Brilliant. I enjoyed reading this story for the QSQs, and when I saw that you had a new chapter up, I've read through it again, and I still think it's one of the best Marauder' fics I've read.

I love how you've made all of your characters believable, OC or canon. Your plotline is also original, which is more than a can say for a lot of fics. I've only noticed minor grammar errors, maybe one or two per several chapters, which we can, of course, credit a remarkable job to the fantastic betas. :) Also, I'm not sure if it's a mistake or I'm just being overaware, but it seems as if you're missing a lot of commas, like in dialogue. Like in the last line for this chapter, after 'Mary Macdonald' I would have used a comma. It may just be something I'm very used to, but it will distract me from the dialogue when it does occur. Mess up the flow? I'm not sure what word I'm looking for here.

I will be watching for your next update, and I hope you enjoy writing this as much as I liked reading it.

Author's Response: Thank you for the review and the praise. I'm glad you're enjoying the story and that you've been re-reading it. I shall check through the missing commas again. I do have a beta (or two) but sometimes between the three of us we miss things. *sigh*. Thanks again ~Carole~

Wow. What a fascinating idea. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around the concept (I, like Tonks, wouldn't mind a pair of those goggles). I didn't catch on to what the goggles did until you stated so in the story, and I hit a stop, and thought, "Whoa." Because it was so simple, but so interesting. Where did you get the idea from?

It is so like Luna to care absolutely nothing for how odd she might look in these goggles (in my mind they look somewhat like the goggles in Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, if you're aquainted with that), nor what kind of magic they are. She just tries it. That Ravenclaw thirst for knowledge, no?

I noticed, at least in the first vision, that it felt like the sentences ran on. I've always found that longer sentences speed things up, and shorter sentences slow down, and I think this is a good example. I was just flying through when I was reading, so that I had to go back a few times to really see what was happening. The opposite happened with the visions regarding Luna. Before each of the 'and's, I paused a little and considered each of them and the possibilities, then went onto the next set of ideas. I thought it was a cool use of sentence structure, to say the least!
xxSelina

Author's Response:

I think the original idea that sparked off the whole story was idly thinking about how a character would react if they could see all the "other universes" that come from fanfiction. I might have considered something like a cracked Pensieve to begin with, but I settled on the goggles because they're a sort-of parallel to rose-coloured glasses - purple-coloured goggles, like - and because I liked the mental image of Luna with a pair of chunky Dr Horrible-style goggles perched on her forehead.

To me, Luna is like the perfect Ravenclaw, because not only is she curious about the goings-on of the world, she approaches it with an open mind. I like her intelligence because it's so different to, say, Hermione's - while Hermione is focused on not being wrong about things, Luna seems to just want to learn for the joy of learning. Granted, she draws a lot of wrong conclusions about the world, but occasionally she hits on a perfect insight - like her views on death, or thinking Harry should be hanging out with someone "cooler" than her and Neville - that someone like Hermione wouldn't be able to match without hours of consideration.

Anyone that rails against run-on sentences hasn't ever read a good dream sequence. I like writing those long flowy sequences where narrative and dialogue and character perception all bleed together, so I engineered a story where I could do it as much as I wanted to. Actually, I like writing that goes against established conventions of form in general, so I enjoyed making the "snapshots" at the end as disruptive as possible to what a normal paragraph should look like. Sometimes, I wish there was as much focus on the technical experimentation aspect of fanfiction as there is on the "what-if" aspect to do with plotlines and such.

Thanks for reading, and even more thanks for reviewing.

First, the chapter title “The Dark Side of the Moon” immediately put me in a good disposition toward your story. Pink Floyd is win.

The only victims of hers, if any, were those who tried to mess with her first.
This kind of characterization is somewhat cliché. The sort of, “Well, I don’t do anything to anyone if they didn’t do anything to me,” is overused. I found it interesting how you used the word ‘victims’ here, though. If she only retaliates, why are they called victims? I thought that was interesting, and made me pause for a moment when reading it. At first I was confused by your word choice, but then I considered it, and I think that it potentially shows a lot about Destiny’s character. It could say that she’s unpredictable, or uncontrollable, when she gets angry/upset, or that she overretaliates in that sort of situation. It made me wonder what sort of temper she had, or if she got upset very easily.

My first problem was with this:
Standing a little over four feet tall, her body was slim with very angelic features.
I’ve done a bit of looking up on average heights for ages, and if by ‘a little over four feet’ you mean just a bit over that mark, perhaps by part of an inch or so, this would put her several years behind in average growth, making her around the size of a nine or ten year old. I don’t know if this is intentional or not by you, but this tripped me up while I was reading, and I had to check and see if it made sense. Also, she seems almost excessively beautiful. Does she have any flaws at all besides that very prominent 'mark'?

While reading the first chapter, I was unsure how old your characters Silver and Salazar were. By indicators like Silver’s height, I assumed that the pair were eight or nine, but the way they spoke, or even thought, I would think they were quite old. No kid in their age range talks that way, not that I’ve ever met. The twins are very aware of what is happening in their surroundings, and the effect that they have on others. I can see what you’re trying to do with making major similarities between Silver and Salazar’s childhood and Tom Riddle’s, but even he was a little skeptical of what Dumbledore was telling him. All three of the children use a very expanded vocabulary, and not even Hermione talked like that. An example of that is this: If that could happen, perhaps the opposite is possible, truly beguiling. Salazar is thinking this, and I know that when I was eleven years old, I probably hadn’t heard the word before, and I’m sure I hadn’t known what it meant. Add onto that the fact that the three grew up in an orphanage, where they probably didn’t get the same sort of constant education that I got at home and at school, and you have something that seems somewhat unlikely.

With arms flinging Destiny so nearly avoided her grasp, so she continued on to harass Silver first.
A little tattered, but none the less stable, well as stable as flying brooms could be.
I noticed quite a few little errors in your story similar to these, like comma placement and the like. I’d suggest visiting the MNFF Forums and getting a beta reader, if you haven’t already. They are a really wonderful and helpful bunch, and if I didn’t use them, I’m sure my writing would be a complete mess in comparison to what it is. I used these two examples because they took me a couple of readings to catch what you meant. What I have started doing is reading my writing aloud; it helps me check for mistakes, and I can note the natural pauses that I make while reading, and from there I can add in what punctuation I may need there, and I suggest you try it and see if it works for you.

One thing that bothers me about Destiny is how she didn’t put two and two together. She has her necklace, which has Severus carved onto it, and then this man, whose name is Professor Severus Snape, who somewhat resembles her (so far as their hair is involved), comes into her life with another professor, which makes his presence unnecessary. If Destiny didn’t figure it out, why wouldn’t the very observant twins see it?

I’m also interested in how you chose your names. I understand Salazar (his father picked out his name to honor a very powerful ancestor), but Silver seems odd. If Voldemort chose such a historic name for his son, why wouldn’t he do the same for his daughter, who he essentially branded as his son’s equal? I can’t see him naming his daughter Silver. And if she was named at the orphanage, would they choose such an odd name? As this orphanage is in England, I would assume that they would give her a normal, English name, like Anne or Mary, or at least something more traditional. I thought all of your names were a bit of the fanciful side – and I’m not condemning you for it, I love naming characters as well. But I thought Destiny was odd – if she was named that by her real parents, was there a reason behind it? I hope you’ll explain that in the future of this story. Also, ‘Quintessa’ seemed like an extremely odd name for what I assume is a completely normal Muggle orphan. If she is further involved in the story, I’d suggest giving us a reason behind the name. Was she an unwanted fifth child, or the fifth child the orphanage had gotten in a particularly busy week? Prehaps named by a very fanciful worker? Fantastical names are often the downfall for authors, and remember that to make a character interesting, you don’t need to make her name distinctive. The character’s unique actions will make them more distinguished in a reader’s mind than a series of uncommon names.

Author's Response: Ok, lol I'm going to try to answer or respond to all your points. But first, thank you, they are great. Well, for starters you got the hint about 'victims' as I wanted you to. Though at first Destiny seems much like Snape and can control herself, it is possible for her to completely lose control. In my mind she is like fire, which I relate her to later. She is powerful, unpredictable, and people need to be cautious around her. Also, like fire doesn't start itself, Destiny rarely instigates fighting, but when set off, she can not be controlled. With the twins' height, I must say, I sort of planned that they would appear a little short. As Salazar and Silver's actual births, at this point, are a mystery, only I know why. I will probably never go into detail in the story but the twins were premature, however because of the conditions of which they were found in, no one knows.(I explain a little more later in the response.) Anyway, their height is the result of that. As to their education level, I have given them very inquisitive minds on purpose. I want to make sure to set them apart from their peers. Like you said, not many children speak like them or think like them. This is why, the twins especially, do not 'try' to associate with the other orphans. They feel they are above them and intellectually, they are. The twin are autodidactic, they would take the basics that any kid would be taught and further explore themselves. Destiny, after being with them for so long learned secondhand. I understand my writing could use some correcting and in the future I will try to look closer. I'll try to use your techniques and hopefully as I keep going I get better. I made it very obvious about Severus and Destiny when they all met because I wanted to show the idea that as humans, we sometimes can't see what is right in front of us, while others on the outside can see it clearly. The twins picked up on Snape's first name, however, as all humans perceive things differently, Destiny did not think anything of it. If you're wondering now why the twins would not tell Destiny, the answer is simple. Though the twins have an understanding with Destiny to be allies, they still like to manipulate others and play their little 'games'. They want to see how long it would take Destiny to piece it together or for Snape to spill it. And now the names. Well first off, all three of them were named by Ms. Scott. Ms. Scott always liked to name the orphans for certain reasons. You see the twins only have memories of Voldemort when he gave them the marks and such. (Like Harry can remember Lily's death in green smoke and Hagrid on the bike). But even if they were named by Voldemort, they would be too young to remember. (Besides, I don't see Voldemort caring too much about what to call them as babies.) Later in the story, I might explain to everyone that the twins were found in an abandoned house. This is because, Voldemort kept them a secret and when he disappeared no one knew about them. That's why they were put in a Muggle orphanage in the first place. I will explain why then did Dumbledore know about them, so forgive me but I can't tell you now. I don't want to ruin all the mystery. So why did Ms. Scott, a Muggle, call a boy, Salazar, because, though it is uncommon it's not unheard of. (For example, António de Oliveira Salazar was Prime Minister of Portugal). In my mind she knew someone with the name and liked it. Just call it a lucky chance he got the name of a famous wizard (and distant ancestor.) As for his middle name Scorpio, that is his astrology sign. Silver got her name because Ms. Scott thought it was very unique for her to have that color in her hair. Selena is her middle name because it means moon, which leads me to their last name, Moon. In my mind, when the twins were brought to the orphanage, they were very nearly dead themselves due to the fact that they were left in the house for a while before found. (Since they didn't cry.) As the doctors were tending to them they let Ms. Scott know the probable birth date, I did some researched and found that on November 7, 1979 there was a full moon. So the Head of the Orphanage named them Moon. Destiny's name came from the idea that Ms. Scott liked to think that no matter what happened to the kids at her orphanage, or what their pasts held, they always could chose their own destinies. It just so happened that the girl she actual named that, is the one child that would really understand. Her middle name Sev, is quite obvious to be short for Severus. Her past will also be explained later so I can't tell you all of it but Ms. Scott was the one that told her that she was found with the necklace and it was most likely her mothers. (Destiny figures the rest about it, as I have already explained.) As for her last name, Snake, well that's what the necklace is, a snake. Sure not too imaginative, but whatever. As for the other girl Quintessa, I got that name from a 'English name meaning' chart, since I'm not British I don't have any knowledge of their common names. If I have characters that I won't really be needing I go to the site and find names that I think they fit the meaning, or that I just like. I didn't mean for it to be anything more than that. And for an end note about their names. I didn't know that in HPSS the surname 'Moon' is actually sorted in Harry's year, but when I found out I thought it was quite interesting. Talk about luck, lol.

Ooooh. Intense. I'm really curious as to how everything's going to turn out.

I can't imagine being in Alexandra's place. She's a year younger than me at this point, and is left with a literal life-or-death choice. It's a corrupting choice, deciding who lives and who dies. I could never make the choice, and I find it astounding that Alexandra can consider it so calmly (even with her subconcience rearing its head in her dreams). So easy to just give it to someone, let them react and take it, watch them fall, but so impossible to do. I think you showed that struggle well for Alexandra's character, though it's so completely different from what I would do (though I probably wouldn't have gotten into such a scrape, anyway).

Thank you for telling us what was so bad about mistletoe wands! I've been wondering about them since you first mentioned them at all. Now I'm curious if there's any myth or lore connections with mistletoe, which I'm sure I'll look up soon.

Darla is such a wonderful character. I thought it was bizarre that she'd try to kill Alexandra the first time, and I'm curious about what, exactly, her motives are (because I'm sure she has some reason). I was beginning to feel sorry for her with her sister dying, but then we find that she was just manipulating Alexandra. I'm not sure what exactly to think of her at this point, and I can't wait to find out what exactly she's doing now. I'm betting on it being a ploy to get Alexandra back down there, and prehaps try to kill her (once again).

I love how you've created such an expansive world. Whenever I consider what the wizarding society in America is like, I usually refer to most of your ideas. A few parts, like some of the societal groups, always grate me a bit (the Ozarkers, for one. I never saw wizards as being very sexist, and it seems like all the Rashes do is exert their power (given to them by Constance, Forbearance, and Innocence's parents) over the girls. I love how some of the issues between wizarding America and Britain are so similar, like SPEW, and so different. America seems so corrupt in its government, and I'm sure we wouldn't see it from anyone's eyes but Alexandra's (or anyone connected to her father by similar bonds). It's so wrong that children are judged by their father's deeds, but so common. Unfortunate, isn't it?

-- Selina

Hello Ellie! I like the start of your story. I loved your intro into the chapter -- there was enough going on that I was interested, but you still conveyed the differences from canon so we know the premise for your story.

I'm finding it hard to believe your premise. Even if Harry died and Voldemort's side won, I can't see it turning out like this. If the D.A. was the rebel force (I assume they combined with the remainders of the Order after the Battle at Hogwarts?), I don't think they'd be all holed up in the Burrow. If they're going to be in hiding, I'd expect them to flee the country, prehaps to France or even across the Atlantic to the Americas. I don't think they'd keep the kids at home for sparse schooling, either - more likely, they'd be sent off to Beauxbatons or a English-speaking school elsewhere. At least they'd have a schooling system well set up, maybe in the basement of The Burrow, with one or a couple of the more knowledgable members of the D.A. as the teacher(s). They would want to make sure their children got as full of an education as they could possibly provide.

I feel as if I've seen a Time Turner plotline often. I hope that you can bring an original turn to the idea, as it's a fairly tired plot device. I'm also having a hard time believing that Hermione hadn't returned the Time Turner -- she would have been notified that it hadn't been returned by both the Ministry and McGonagall if it had been lost after she gave it to the owl or if she forgot it, and if she lost it, it would only take a simple Summoning Charm to find it (unless there are enchantments against that on the Time Turner?)

With your last paragraph -- it doesn't sound very official. If there were to be a tag on it, I'd see it as saying something more like:

Time Turner #568
Caution: Danger
Return to Ministry of Magic

I wouldn't see them as using exclamation points, as most warning labels I've ever seen don't have them.

I'm interested to see how your story will proceed. Best of luck!
xxSelina

Author's Response: First of all, thank you. :) I think that for the plotline, it would be better to have it set in the Burrow, as it makes it easier to take the story foreword. As far as the D.A. is concerned, in my imagination I think that the Burrow would be their base. The place where all the defensive spells are, the place that is most protected, like Grimmauld Place for the Order of the Phoenix. But there would be other places for them to stay, I assume. Again, I kept them there for the plot. Education...yes, I toyed with the idea of them going to another school, but eventually I decided to keep them there, because it seemed slightly more realistic. I think that probably they got a fairly good education--nothing like Hogwarts--but it would have been hard, as they are constantly rushing in an out of the Burrow and travelling around. Yes, I assumed Time Turner would have been overused, I'll see what I can do to make it original. xD And I'm trying to think of a good excuse why Hermione wasn't able to return the Time Turner--I'm toying around with a few ideas, you'll see. ;) Yeah, I totally agree with the thing about the tag, I'll probably change that as soon as I can. :) ~ Ellie