Leslie! *squishes SPEW Buddy* My, oh, what a cute, little story!

I’m amazed at how easily you seem to write Fred and George. They’re the type of characters that I’d rather just let JKR write, but your portrayal of them was so close to canon that I could’ve sworn it was an extra scene in PS that we never found out about. ;) I especially liked how they kept switching bodies in the middle of interrupting each other. Hilarious!

Aw, and the scene with Ginny was so sweet! It was nice to read about the brother-sister relationship without making it sound corny or anything. =]

“Why, George! I have no idea what she’s talking about, do you?”

George coughed. “I think I do, Fred.”

LOL. That was just so funny, and a George thing to say! *giggles*


You definitely win at creativity with this fic here. Everyone just assumes Fred and George were messing around with their Mum as usual in that scene in PS, but wow, you’ve created such a nice explanation for it that it completely changes the way I look at that scene. Indeed, I think every time I read that scene in PS, I’m going to be forcibly reminded of this fic. Which is rather nice. =]

“Oh dear,” said George from Fred’s body. “Oh dear, oh dear.”

Hee, I wonder if George would use more “colourful” words here. ;)

I caught just one typo for you:

Mum had come up the stairs and, while, not particularly interested in their conversatin about scars, was interested in the messiness of their room and the emptiness of their trunks.

I wonder if you need that comma after “while”. I think it flows better without it, but that could be just me. Also, “conversation” is missing an ‘o’. =]

“Good morning, Fred. Good morning, George. All packed and ready to go?”

It could be just me, but I thought this line was too stiff for Mrs Weasley. It’s too formal, you know? Similarly with the “good nights” in the scene with Ginny. I’d rather she just say “Good morning, Fred, George.” That feels more like Mrs Weasley. =]

Fred and George grinned at each other. It seemed they were back in business.

*grin* Loved that ending!

Overall, thanks for such an entertaining read, my dear! Oh, and congrats on being a finalist! You definitely deserved that. =]

*squee*

This is the first mythology-based fanfic I've ever read and boy, wasn't it great! I loved Bill in the fic -- he was just so... cool and little things like his mannerisms and his energy just make him more adorable :)

And Mustafa seemed very real, for lack of a better word;) I enjoyed reading about the relationship he had with Bill -- just wonderful work, Ilka!

And coming to the Ritual of Life, well, the mythological part was thoroughly well explained because someone like me (who has zero knowledge on Egyptian mythology;) ) understood the part adapted. And the idea of a Pensieve in the tomb -- genius. And the end was perfect. It opens up a huge list of possibilities and keeps the reader guessing even when the fic's over. These kind of endings open up discussions and make the reader think and guess what would happen next. And that's exactly why I

Author's Response: *giggles* Real comment after your finished review, dear. *hugs*

OMG, Kiara! *squees* This is such an amazing fic, you’re a great writer! Guh. I loved the way it flowed so beautifully -- especially the frequent repetition of the lines at the beginning and then at the end, they all fit so perfectly together.

The fic's strong point -- wait, correction. One of the fic's strong points is probably characterisation. You portrayed perfectly all of them -- right from Bill and Fleur to the seemingly minor characters like Gabrielle and Madam Delacour; everyone seemed and acted just like they would in canon. I liked Madame Delacour in particular; her affection for her daughter and her over-protective nature was very believable.

Fleur was her usual haughty self, though you showed her soft side too. Her attraction to danger and how she sees Bill as a sort of danger first is interesting. I’ve always kind of wondered what Fleur saw in Bill that other men didn’t have and I thought she liked him because of his ‘coolness’ more than anything else. This fic builds on that and even goes on to say that she liked him because of his cool indifference, which was an interesting thought.

Apart from her attraction to Bill, you showed rather than told about Fleur’s love for her family, which impressed me. She clearly dotes on her parents, more so on her mother because of the divorce, and her affection for her sister is overwhelming. Totally IC.

And these lines described her perfectly:
Bill remembered feeling similarly when he had first began seeing Fleur – at first he had been hesitant to touch her in case he broke her, she just seemed so perfect that he felt even sneezing might blow her away from him.
It shows how much he cares for her, though rather subtly. And it makes a nice parallel to the “perfect vision” she is in HBP.

Moving on to Bill, he kind of confused me. It was a mystery to me – and apparently to Fleur too *wink* -- until the very end whether he actually was in love with her or not. He clearly likes her but does he really love her?

And I am so glad Bill didn’t like her because she was beautiful, but rather admired the other qualities like bravery and love for her family. And I loved the part where he proposes to her – almost in the style of the twins, more like a casual fling rather than the sappy romantic ones. But still, he manages to sound like the perfect hero; his subtle romantic gestures were so cute, especially here:
There is no past tense to “love” – if you love someone, you always will, no matter what. Like I love you.
Wow. That is a line I’ll probably always remember – created such a huge impact on me, and is probably very true.

The only one low point of this fic was the random kiss. It was sort of out of the blue and probably not too crucial to the plot. Plus, it was really insensitive and reminded me of Ron/Lavender. *shudder* But then the purpose of it was probably to show how Fleur felt when it was someone else in her usual “place”. That was a cool parallel. =] And it struck me as odd that he proposes to her right after she caught him with another woman. Men can be strange sometimes.

But apart from that, I heart this fic and whenever I come across Bill/Fleur, I’ll probably think of this one. =D

And it was rather ironical that both of them didn’t believe in happy endings but still, the fic ended by saying ‘happily ever after’. I loved it!

To conclude, I can say nothing except you’re an exceptionally great writer, Kiara! Keep writing!

Wow, Skipper, this is so sweet! You’re one heck of a writer! I loved the way you write dialogue, especially. The exchanges between Snape and Lily were so much fun to read. And like you said, I wouldn’t be more surprised, and I’m sure Lily and Snape would agree ;) that this is the best surprise pairing ever. The tiny hints at Snape being jealous of James tied in perfectly with what we hear in canon from Sirius and Remus. Perfect.

And I have to say this about your Lily: you write her too well. While she’s usually characterised as the goody-two-shoes or a brat, you managed to strike the right balance between her funny side and her studious side. Her sense of humour and her curiosity towards Snape was especially interesting – she was just lovely to read. And I just loved the way she teases Snape about the Love Potion. Brings out the naughty side of hers that Slughorn mentioned. =]

And Snape’s characterisation was pretty much spot-on too. You captured the lonely teenager quite well and I liked the way he’s trying to ignore Lily yet is quite fascinated by her. Subtlety works quite well here. It’s interesting how he goes from having ‘a look of absolute disgust’ on his face to asking her out in the space of a few paragraphs and the whole while he didn’t seem one bit out of character!

Just a few small errors I noticed:

He had no intentions on going into the village but thought maybe he could catch his friend and persuade him to procure the items he was missing.

I would suggest making the intentions singular because it’s only one intention, right? And you might want to change the ‘on’ to ‘of’. It just sounds more correct that way.

Closer inspection of his Potions kit, however, revealed that he was short several key ingredients.

It would sound better if you said ‘short on several key ingredients’. =]

His eyes swept the snowy landscape one more time before he huffed and closed the door forcefully.

Loved the alliteration but I’m not too sure about ‘huffed’. Snape doesn’t strike me as someone who huffs –that sounds more like something Slughorn or someone would do. I’m getting a bit too nitpicky, aren’t I?

Oh, and you seem to have missed the ‘s here:

Snape’s eyes narrowed and his face became nearly as red one of the Gryffindor banners hanging high up in the rafters.

Apart from those really small errors, great story! I loved the simplicity of it. Great work, Skipper! Keep writing, mate!


Author's Response:

Hey, miss padfoot, thanks so much for the nice review. I was just looking at the corrections you suggested. I will be making some corrections when I have a minute. Thanks very much for pointing out things for me to fix. I honestly do appreciate feedback like that.

Aw, CA! That was so cute. I’ve never been a great fan of fluff because I find it unbelievable but this one, though a little fluffy, was totally believable. :D And the scene in the hospital wing was so romantic.

I liked your characterisation the best –all the characters, even the minor ones like Ernie and Sally-Anne, were so realistic and three-dimensional.

Susan, especially, was lovely. Right from her wistful glances at Ernie’s Potions book to her compassion and sympathy – which ties in nicely with the qualities of Hufflepuff – she was just a great character.

And Justin was like the typical hero, holding her hands and trying to oppose Malfoy and his thugs single-handedly. I liked the way you portrayed him. :)

Maybe it’s just me, but one character that seemed odd was Madam Pomfrey. She’s a minor character, yes, and you nailed her perfectly where she insists on having Justin in the hospital wing overnight and making him drink the potion and her humorous side was something we’ve never seen before, though it gave her a new dimension. The one part that worried me was when she let Susan stay as long as she wanted to. Since she always has chased people out of her hospital because her patients need more rest, that struck me as odd. Maybe you could have her ask Susan to leave and then Susan protesting and Madam Pomfrey allowing her a few minutes. But then maybe because Justin’s injury is not really bad, she let her stay.

Just a few things I noticed:

Justin Finch-Fletchley sprawled motionless on the floor, his face bloodied and bruised, his robes torn, and one of his arms at a disturbing angle.

This sentence would read much better if it said ‘Justin Finch-Fletchley lay sprawled…’

And you might want to italicise this part because they’re her thoughts:

There was a little too much innocence on Sally-Anne’s face as she stared at page 423, Susan thought, blushing.


Apart from those teensy little things, I liked the story and the way you wrote Susan/Justin. Great work, CA!


Author's Response: *sigh* Preethi, I heart you. Thank you for reviewing this story (even though it\'s taken me months to get around to responding). Madam Pomfrey didn\'t come across quite as I wanted her to -- I have a definite idea of her character in my mind, but sometimes it gets a little mangled when it actually comes to putting her on paper. I\'m glad you liked the rest of my characters. Have a nice day! *D*

Oh, Steph, this is just … wow!

There just aren’t a lot of Severus/Lily fics out there, so I was immensely pleased when I came across yours. =]

Your strongest point is perhaps description; my heart is still racing from the raw passion and heat. It’s just so alive. Wow!

There was always something intriguing about Lily and Severus, ever since Snape’s Worst Memory, and even before that because Severus always insults James but doesn’t say a word about Lily. And the possibility that they had a secret relationship, and pretended to hate each other in front of everyone else makes so much sense!

I especially enjoyed your characterisation of Lily. You’ve made her more than just the goody-two-shoes or the angsty persona she seems to have in the fandom. I loved how you started the fic with something as simple as snow. Lily does seem like the kind of person who would sit around and look at the snow falling outside. You wrote the confusion going on in her mind very well too. She knows he’s wrong for her, yet she needs him. Wow, that was wonderful.

And Severus, wow, I loved your characterisation of him. Although he’s slightly domineering in their relationship, he comes to find her when Lily needs him. You nailed him perfectly in, which is quite an achievement, considering the complex character that he is.

I caught just one typo:

Moreover, a stupidly as she had tried to ignore it, she seemed to be stopping to admire things about him.

It should read ‘Moreover, as …’ =]

Overall, thanks for the wonderful read, dear!




Author's Response: Preethi! Darling, fantastic review! You make SPEW so proud with this sort of stuff!

I\'ll admit, I might not be bothered to go in and change that right now, but I definitley WILL, when I do my annual clean up of fics. I don\'t delete them, I just try and.. improve them? And reviews like these make it easy on the eyes at late hours of the night :)

I loved everything you said. I was so excited when I saw your name, because I love all this sort of the criticism one never seems to recieve. I like her personality, and I like the reality I tried to create as well as the rush I was trying to write in to prepare. I like colours, frankly, and green\'s a favourite of mine. So thanks so much for this review! It really did honestly brighten my week and make me smile goofily at the screen :)

Author's Response: Ps. I meant I don\'t like white, and then got confused with the other window I had up. So just reverse everything I said and put a positive spin on it. \'Cause I don\'t like white, except for snow, which I\'ve never seemed fall. So I probably hold it in a higher regard than most :D

Ah, Remus/Tonks. =) I’ve always had a soft spot for this pairing in canon, and so this fic made an immensely enjoyable read to me. I liked it especially because Remus doesn’t fall for Tonks or vice versa at their very first meeting. Love takes its time to grow, and you showed that perfectly. Here, Remus is concerned for his friend’s cousin’s daughter, and while that concern turned into love later, you don’t show it right from the beginning. I loved the subtle romance there. =)

Remus Lupin yawned loudly as he sat down at the kitchen table.

I liked how you started the fic off with a simple sentence. I’m glad you didn’t find the need to use extravagant descriptions or fancy words just for the sake of it; it makes the reading more enjoyable this way when I don’t have to run to a dictionary every few minutes. XD I’m also glad you maintained the same tempo throughout, making it quite easy to read while at the same time, not taking anything away from the fic. =)

In a fic with so many relatively minor characters, I can’t help but comment on the characterisation. ;) I think all of the characters were written exceptionally well, right from Hestia being the one who made the newbies feel welcome to Moody who's as good as we see him in canon, you gave them each personalities and nailed them all down accurately.

I’d like to comment on Moody separately though. Simply put, I loved your Moody. He’s so close to the Moody in canon that it really is hard to distinguish between the two. Here, especially:

His magical eye looked every which way at Remus, making sure the werewolf wasn’t ready to eat him. Once he felt that Remus was fine, he sat down next to him.

*giggles* Typical Mad-Eye.

Right from his entry to his idea of a pleasant conversation being uncomfortable to his whisperings during the meeting, you portrayed him perfectly, dear.

One thing though: Tonks mentioned Mad-Eye being her teacher, but didn’t Mad-Eye retire way back? He’s always referred to as the “ex-Auror” so I wondered how he was her teacher.

Oh, and Remus. I liked how your Remus isn’t the melancholy-filled-bitter person we see so often in both fanon and canon. I’m glad you showed him loosening up a little bit. =) The poor guy needs a break. Although, at some points in the fic, I felt rather like Remus was a bit too carefree at times, like when he nearly dozed off during the meeting. To me, he felt a bit like Marauder!Remus, not adult!Remus, you know? Could be just me, though. XD

And I have a few nitpicks, please don’t hate me! Well, mostly, they were just typos so I guess it’s okay. =)

The apothecary he had been working had realized he was the werewolf professor — soon after, his landlord asked him to leave.

I think this sentence feels more complete if you added “for” after “working”. Also, I have a feeling that the flow of that sentence will improve if you put it this way instead:

The apothecary he had been working for had realized he was the werewolf professor -- soon after which his landlord asked him to leave.

The only change I made was to add “which”. Quite stylistic, though.

They seem to believe lie that is twisted out for them.

I believe there needs to be an article “the” before “lie” here.

“Lupin, what have you been up?” asked Moody gruffly.

There needs to be a “to” after “up”, otherwise the sentence is kind of left hanging.

It must have been so depressing growing up in a place like.

Similarly, here, there needs to be a “this” after “like”.

“I still don’t why your parents never bought you a broom,” said Peter.

I believe there’s a word missing here, after “don’t” – something like “don’t know” or “don’t understand”?

Tonks reminded her so much of himself when he first joined the Order.

I think you meant ‘him’, right? *giggles*

Enough nitpicking now!

Oh, the end was absolutely fabulous.

Maybe next time he would ask her.

I loved how Remus doesn’t ask her out on their first meeting, but still, he would ask her. *happy sigh* Remus and Tonks are just so cute together!

Overall, thanks for such a refreshing read, dear! *huggles*


Author's Response: Thank you so much! Your review made my day.

Marie! *squishes SPEW Buddy* Firstly, let me tell you that the title you chose for this fic is very intriguing. I just couldn’t resist clicking the link when I read it on the top of your author’s page. Hee. Wonderful choice of words there, dear.

And when I read this fic a few days ago (I have a habit of making notes as I read) but when I read this fic, I just couldn’t stop reading to take notes. Your writing style has a certain charm to it; I simply couldn’t stop once I started. So then I had to force myself to take notes this time around so here we are with the review. =]

The first thing that caught my attention about your writing style is how you show the story rather than tell us the story. Right from the beginning, even the fact that James and Jane are twins isn’t told rather than shown, which is very impressive. This kind of approach makes the story so much more enjoyable. That added with your approach of not repeating any of the stuff we already know, like explanations to the terms “Squib” or “Muggle” makes for a very refreshing read. =]

I hadn’t read the story before you added DH canon to it, but I can see you’ve made the new canon points fit in here quite well, without repeating any of the stuff we’ve already seen in DH. I was particularly fond of your explanation to James and Sirius’ behaviour, and why they reacted to Snape the way they did. Excellent work, Mar.

Oh, and I must comment on your characterisation. Simply put, the whole bunch of eleven-year-olds that were shown in the fic – both canon and original characters – behave and act just like eleven-year-olds would. You’ve captured their age so well that it almost felt like I was reading PS, lol.

While all the characters are nicely written, my favourite was James Potter. Wow, from the very first chapter, I can tell you’ve got a great hold of his character. Right from his cockiness to his friendliness to his family pride, he’s every bit in character. It’s very easy to let James get too arrogant or too friendly that he becomes a flat character, but you’ve got a right mix of all his characteristics here. Especially this line:

He and Sirius had been vehemently discussing whether chocolate cauldrons or chocolate frogs were better, discussing the finer points, debating pure chocolate over chocolate pastries, and the drawbacks of each.

LOL! That’s exactly something that James and Sirius would do. *giggles*

Something that sort of confused me in the beginning was the sudden shift in the point of views. In the beginning of the fic, there wasn’t any particular person’s POV shown, and then we shifted to Jane’s POV, and while the transition to James’ POV was smooth, it sort of confused me a bit. Is this going to be a part of the style you’re using for this fic? I’m just curious to know. =]

Then, a few decently agreeable people joined them, and they all started up a game of Exploding Snap.

I wonder about the use of the word “agreeable” here. Isn’t it more of a French word? ;)

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention earlier, but I absolutely loved the history you’ve given to the Marauders. Instead of taking the easy route and have them all share a compartment, you’ve taken the time to create a plausible history for them. Very good work there, dear.

I have just one tiny nitpick for you, seeing as you and your beta’s have done a great job with this fic. ;)

Your parents used to own half the stuff in Merlins Museum of Magical History.

Shouldn’t it be “Merlin’s” here rather than “Merlins”?

Overall, I’m very impressed with the start of the story here, Mar, and I’m sure this will turn out to be one excellent Marauder-Era fic that stands out of the rest. =]