Oooooh, creative! I’ve never seen a fic like this one—not just the plot, but the explanation too. I’ll admit, when I first read the summery, I was a tad bit skeptical about Hermione giving up S.P.E.W. I thought it would be considered out of character for her. Luckily, though, I found this very in character. I knew this from the beginning which was describing Hermione’s apprehension towards the Astronomy test. I’m glad you started with that before jumping strait into the plot. So nervous, in fact, that after going down ten flights of stairs she walked directly into a wall while trying to remember if Io was Jupiter’s third moon, or some other one. I like the detail in this sentence; it makes it more interesting than saying something like “Hermione was so nervous, she ran into a wall thinking about her test.”

I really love Curry. The name itself made me smile when I read it. Even while he explained the history of house-elves, and started talking about how everything wasn’t as it seemed, he still acted like all the other house-elves. I loved his explanation of everything and how he didn’t turn into book-mode. By book-mode, I mean that his character didn’t suddenly change so that he could explain something more clearly. Every time I see the words “history of”, I groan, sit back, and wait to here some character blahing on about something in a way that they would normally never speak. I really want to compliment you on that, because Curry seemed perfectly in character throughout this entire story.

I’m glad you mentioned how much power house-elves have, and how we see so little of it. You seemed to touch on quite a few things that we rarely see, like Dobby being abused by the Malfoys. I was actually wondering about that before you cleared things up.

I found the very last section quite amusing, but Ron’s reaction towards Hermione giving up S.P.E.W. sort of threw me off. Hermione spent an awful lot of time rambling about S.P.E.W., while Ron spent a lot of time groaning about it. Since he didn’t know what happened to Hermione, I think his reaction was a little small. Ron seems like the kind of guy who would make a big deal out Hermione giving up on S.P.E.W.

All in all, great job. I really enjoyed reading this. I found very little (perhaps no) grammar or spelling errors within this. Nothing popped out at me, at least. It was really creative and had a couple of themes within it. Great job!

I really enjoyed this chapter; it was a little more involved than the last, and I liked the writing style a little more. Somehow the characterization almost seemed to change in Mr. and Mrs. Black though. They were a little less bigoted before. I always imagined them as being bigoted, of course, just a little more subtly. For example, rather than getting into a strait forward conversation about “why we hate mud-bloods”, it would simply be assumed within the Black family. But Sirius, considering what he’s being influenced by in you story, had perfect characterization. James too. As a matter of fact, I thought James was the best. I really thought the fight between the Potters and Blacks was really well done.

The first section—the one with Sirius awake early in the morning before everyone else—was refreshing; it made me grin. I’ve seen water activated fire-works around in fanfiction land, but I like the name you gave them: hydro-activated fireworks. Not really complicated, but it’s a little more creative than the alternatives.

I always imagined Mrs. Black as the more bigoted one in the family since we hear a lot about her in the books, but nothing about Sirius’s father. Plus, the painting in Grimmauld Place that’s shouting at the top of its lungs sort of gives you that impression. Though when you put the father as the more bigoted one, and Mrs. Black seeing him as a little obnoxious really does work out well.

I have a tiny bit of nit-picking yet.

“Hullo James, looking forward to seeing you in Gryffindor, Being that this is our last year, we ought to pass down the torch, think you’re capable of shaking the school down a bit?” This sentence really runs on for a long time. I would suggest putting a couple of periods or semi colons in to separate things a little bit. Poor Fabian really does need to breathe. Or maybe you could break up the dialogue into two so that in the middle it says “said Fabian”, so that we’ll know who’s talking before the very end of that sentence.

James’ eyes narrowed, the boy in front of him was one of the Blacks. He pulled out his wand but before he was able to do anything he was hit by a hex. Another boy, taller than the first one stepped out. I had to read this paragraph over again to make sure I’d gotten the facts right. It’s a tad bit rushed. Mainly the second sentence.

Enough nit-picking. I liked how Sirius stood up for Regulus. It really brought out the Gryffindor in him, even though he’s always playing tricks on him. I think that was my favorite part of this chapter. Once again, I look forward to reading the next chapter. This one was quite intriguing, especially the Black/Potter fight. Great job!

Both Mr and Mrs Black are bigots, but I can't imagine Mrs Black as the doting motherly type, so I made Orion Black be the one to spoil his kids rotten (in a cold sort of manner) and teach them twisted values.

I really love the writing style used in this. It honestly wouldn’t have been the same if it was in first person; it’s as though you’re telling a story and allowing the reader to assume the emotions. I really enjoyed that.

In the first paragraph you mention that Sirius already has a rather bad record. I can understand this, of course—he’s not really a person who abides by the rules—but somehow I can’t even see him risking showing-off his magic to Muggle girls. I can, however, see him doing something slightly more inconspicuous, and perhaps that’s what you meant. I wouldn’t normally pick at something so small, but this is the first paragraph. ;)

But he had had so many good times ... The moment he thought this, his mind came to a halt. He couldn't remember. He racked his brains, trying to remember at least one good thing that had happened in his life. But try as he might, he couldn't remember. Something about this really stuck out to me. In a good way, mind you! One tends to think about what it would be like to be in Azkaban while reading PoA, but somehow this really catches it for me.

There was a small bench in the corner, and a tiny rag. He picked it up and studied the scrap of cloth, and realised that it was a blanket. Despair washed over him. He was to live here? For the rest of his life? This is another excerpt that really made me think. When you can make the reader think about what it would be like to be in the same situation, it makes the situation much more realistic; nice job!

Small nit-pick: They were responsible for their crimes. They deserve to be here. As much as I really love this sentence (it’s the reason I caught the little tiny mistake in the first place—I reread it), I think “deserve” should be in past tense.

Overall, I thought the writing style of this is what made it so great. It really makes you want to keep reading, even though we all know what happens to poor Sirius. Wonderful job!

You’re off to a wonderful start here. Honestly, I like how you jump strait into Harry’s thoughts; it helps the reader to understand right away what you are concentrating on the most within this story. I’m really curious as to what you’re going to do with this, seeing as you mentioned it at the very beginning of the story. You must have something nice planned. : )

[He had] hexed Dudley (with two overage wizards living in his home, the Ministry hadn’t been able to suss out who was responsible, nor did they really care once they met Dudley.) That literally made my snicker, simply because of the way it was written. It’s one of those things that wouldn’t have been funny if you had taken the time out to write the entire little story out. Small question though: “suss?” What does suss mean? It’s not in the Word dictionary — British or American.

I think I would have liked to see a little more of the actual Dursleys in this chapter, only because you mention Ron and Hermione being at Privet Drive. I think the Dursley’s reaction to them would have been really funny.

Then where? Not to Godric’s Hollow – he wanted to save that for after the happy times. I think that towards the end of HBP, Harry mentioned wanting to go to Godric’s Hollow during the summer. All I’m saying is that the summer probably won’t be “happy times”, but Harry still seems to want to go there anyway.

So, instead, he focused on his mission. The locket, the cup, the snake, something of Ravenclaw’s or Gryffindor’s… I like how you keep directing Harry’s train of thought back to the Horcuxes. It seems to keep the reader focused on his main thoughts.

He felt guilty for the deaths of those near to him: Sirius, Dumbledore, his parents, and Cedric Diggory. I know that a lot of people like to have Harry feeling guilty for all the deaths that randomly seems to pop up because of him, but for some nice little reason, Harry has this habit of overcoming the guilt. We saw this in Order of the Phoenix with Cedric and again in HBP with Sirius; Dumbledore said he was proud of how Harry was coping with Sirius’s death, and there wasn’t a mention of Harry feeling responsible — sad, perhaps, but not guilty.

I want to give you a small word of caution with Snape: at this moment, people have really mixed opinions about whether or not he was on Dumbledore’s side. This also seems to be something major in your story, so I only want to tell you to be sure and back up your opinion.

First chapters, in my opinion, are always the hardest, and I think you’re doing a really good job so far; I really can’t wait to see what you do with this. You jumped strait into the plot, and now I really want to read more. Good job!

That. Was. Brilliant! It truly was! Oooooh, I don’t thin I’ve ever been so thrilled when reading a poem in the Harry Potter universe! I’ve always loved The Raven, and you tackled it so well! The rhythms, the theme, the dialect—it all worked!

My favorite thing was your choice of words.

I love it, I really do. That whole stanza.

I snatched this quote for two reasons: one, it’s absolutely brilliant. The “minds core” is such a powerful word choice…the second reason is simply that “minds core” needs to have an apostrophe before the S in minds, as it is a possessive noun. ;)

I really do think you’ve done a great job with this. If I hadn’t been paying attention to what the words actually meant, I might have thought it was The Raven because of the flow of the entire thing. Really great job.

SPEW BUDDY!

My, my, if it isn’t my first Hermione/Charlie fic to read! I wasn’t sure what to expect. I guess Charlie’s fun to write since nobody really knows much about him. Considering that, I really think it’d be wonderful to make a great character out of old Charlie; I hope to see some character development in the later chapters!

...there was that lovely evening before the Quidditch World Cup with all of the Weasleys, her, and Harry; Bill and Fleur's wedding, etc. Something about the “ect.” makes me think of a research paper — or at least, not describing memories.

*giggles* Fred and George gave Mr. Weasley Pokémon cards... I’ve been waiting for those to pop up somewhere!

Hermione felt so connected to Charlie when he was listening to her, and she felt drawn into him completely when he talked, and when they sat in silence for a while, she felt that it was completely entrancing. I think I’d suggest splitting this sentence in half, as it is a bit long a repetitive. Or perhaps using a dash or semicolon somewhere in it.

I really like the scene you’ve set up here. I thought of a movie in my mind when Charlie saw Hermione out in the garden (beautifully written, by the way)! I think because of the time period — after Harry’s defeated Voldemort and all that, with a few details of your own — the story has a lot of potential, and I look forward to reading more.

Oooh, I was waiting for this to come onto MNFF so I could review it! I really look forward to your fics. I have to admit, though, I was a little surprised by the warning that popped up onto my screen saying that it may contain “sexual or violent content not suitable for children”. Oh, and I actually thought of you while reading HBP, because of the shipping involved.

I’m glad you got right to the point with Harry arriving at Privet Drive. I’ve read so many fan fictions by now that I’m sort of eager to get past the beginnings and introductions. I am so thankful you managed to include some original plot even into the first chapter (the bit about Dudley). It wasn’t hugely dramatic, yet not extremely boring. I was intrigued. I’ve got to admit, though, I was a bit stunned to see Ginny mentioned by the third paragraph. Of course, it is a romance fic. It just seems that Harry’s concentration is a little more towards the Horcruxes and the very end of HBP, and may take a while to morph back to Ginny. I still have to hand it to you though—it was well written and well done.

I really have to respect your characterization, particularly on the Dursleys. The plot with Dudley was played out really well: the Dursley’s behavior before Harry even knew and all the foreshadowing made it believable. Adding your own info into a fic—if well done—really does make it more interesting.

Stuffing his hands in the pockets of his jeans and squaring his shoulders, Harry trudged across the street towards the immaculately pruned garden of number four, Privet Drive. One really has to admire your imagery used sometimes. A lot of times writing style doesn’t get as much credit as it deserves in fan fiction. Dudley cowered away from Harry and scrambled off the couch faster than his bulk should have allowed. His hands instinctively searching his massive behind for, Harry assumed, the return of a pig’s tail. — Teehee.

You’re off to a great beginning—original within reason. Something else I have to comment on: comparing this to the first chapter of your 6th year fic, PoE, you can really see a difference, not only in writing style but in length. I highly look forward to reading the rest of this (it’s a pity you’re not doing weekly updates anymore, but that honestly amazed me, so I can’t say as I blame you).

Aaaw, that was sweet! And kudos for originality! I really love how you’ve done Luna; you took what the J.K. Rowling left the reader to assume about her and brought it to life.

Then she remembered: Myrtle. This was Myrtle's bathroom. I love this, because it A) suggests Luna had been here before, and B) points out that Luna never thought of her as “Moaning Myrtle”.

Suggestion: “All right? All right?!? What do you think?” shrieked Myrtle. Do you really need all the punctuation (?!?) in there? Maybe italics or just one question mark would be fine.

I love how you described the snow; it made me feel like a little kid or something (though the fact that an ice cream truck just went by my window may have contributed to that). Honestly though, it was just a really sweet, delightful little story, and it made my day! The way you did Luna and Myrtle was adorable. Yes, it is a bit short... but any longer would sort of ruin the mood of it, I think. It's meant to be a small bit of cheer in my opinion, not some huge fluffy one-shot that takes up 20 pages in word. Wonderfully done!

SPEW buddy! Hiya!

I respect you for writing Luna; I’m scared to death of her (writing her anyway)! And Harry’s hard enough as it is. Both seem to be nicely in character in the story you’ve written, and it makes me happy. I also liked that you had Luna dancing with Harry, because it made me think of them in the Slug Club.

There are a couple of places were Luna sort of looses here dreamy-ish Luna state. ”...You wouldn’t want that to happen to you!” I think it’s just that I can’t remember a time when Luna has used an exclamation mark worthy quote. She’s so... calm, normally.

“No, I’m not. Ron and Hermione will come with me.” Something about this throws me off. The bit about Ron and Hermione is almost random. Perhaps it would make more since and flow better if you added a “though” and the end of the sentence?

You have no idea how happy it makes me that my SPEW buddy wrote some Luna! She’s really great. Honestly, you’ve got her down pretty well... maybe you should try writing other Luna!fics.

Oh, by the way. In your title, you’ve got the word “till” when it should be “’til”. I think “till” is some kind of plow — at any rate, it’s a noun. “’til” is a replacement for “until”.

I liked that Harry got them punch without hesitation. It shows that he’s growing up, and a little characterization can go a long way.

Once again, I hope to see more Luna from you. Not only is she an awesome character, but you’re awesome for writing her. That and your descriptions are what make this a good story. You didn’t focus a lot on plot, more character and setting, and I liked that.


Author's Response: I am actually planning a sort of sequel to this and the prologue is written and beta-ed already. It will focus more on plot and character development and not just be a moment in time, but it will probably take a while until I start posting it. I\'m glad you liked Luna in this though. *hugs*

Hehe... Overanalyzing something that’s right under our noises sounds like something I would do. But it did make for a lovely story, didn’t it?

I have to admire how you wrote this — how you made the reader wait until the very end to discover who the secret person was. It really did make me want to finish it as soon as I started. And you did a good job of tip-toeing over certain details. He closed his beady eyes again and feigned sleep while he thought of a plan. He was good at that - everyone thought he was ALWAYS asleep. I also noticed how he kept referring to Voldemort as the Dark Lord. Probably my favorite is, ...made short work of scampering off the property unnoticed.

I’m afraid that I don’t quite understand why Pettigrew gave Harry the cloak (and i thought it important to point out since that is the main plot). I mean, it would have been much easier for him to keep it, wouldn’t it have? I sort of wish we could have heard more about why Peter of all people held the cloak for James, but I think you did a great job of telling us that without giving away Pettigrew’s identity.

I’m glad you added the bit with Hagrid and the dragon; it told us that the story was moving on and gave us an bit of an insight on Peter’s views. There are a couple of nit-picks I’d like to point out, however: Peter referred to Hermione as a Mudblood, and Hagrid as “oafish”. This is typical for Death Eaters because of their views, but we are supposed to get the impression that Pettigrew only became a Death Eater out of fear of Voldemort, not because he agreed with the cause. I would guess that he would refer to Hermione as being Muggleborn, and he might even like Hagrid (though I suppose we can’t be too sure about the latter).

I really do think this is well written; you’ve got a nice word choice in a lot of places. Entering the domicile utterly unnoticed (as far as they were concerned he belonged here anyway), he ran lightly up the flights of stairs to the attic. Wonderful description.

This was very nicely done — well written and thought out. Also, I must give you props for originality. I can almost guarantee that there are no others fics out there quite like this one. Well done!