SPEW buddy!

Oooh, you know what I really liked about this? It was a one-shot. I don’t mean that in a sort of way that says, “Good, because I don’t want any more of this,” but in a that-was-delightfully-compact-and-not-drawn-out way. I rarely read anything involving the Four Founders, but they’ve always intrigued me.

Probably my favorite thing was the guy at the bar who always says “youse” instead of “you all” or something. I think you did a great job with his character.

I truly never thought of what came first, Hogsmeade or Hogwarts, but I like it better this way, because the Founders got to explain the school to the people in the bar.

“Imagine a future where all wizards could control their magic. No more accidental deaths. No more boring, everyday routines. No more corrupt Ministry officials....” You’ve got a whole idea set up right here about what the magical world was like during this time period. It does raise questions though: Did people back then, in your story, have wands? How much magic could they use? I think a little details on how well people could use their magic would be wonderful.

I also sort of wondered about the dialogue: Shouldn’t it be really old-fashioned, considering the time period? There’s no way I’d expect you to get it perfectly, though! A) That would be terribly hard to write b) I couldn’t read it! Although I think a couple of old words slipped in here or there would help settle the mood a little.

I loved this as a one-shot; so much information and ideas are put into one lovely little package! Hogsmeade being there, the peoples’ extent to magical knowledge, Gryffindor and Slytherin’s conflict — all wonderfully portrayed, yet sweet and to the point!

Oooh, present tense! What a tricky style you’ve chosen! You do it beautifully, mind, but it’s worth pointing out its difficulty. Also, you’ve purposely made some sentences short and simple to make a point, and it really helps to set the mood on things.

I didn’t realize until I had read the story that the summery was a quote; could you maybe put it in italics?

Black for his inky hair. Black for the darkness of his cloak. Black for the center of his eyes. Black for the lashes that surrounded those eyes she had loved to gaze into. This is my favorite passage, because of the visual. The mentioning of the eyes is a really good tactic in writing (at least I think so), as long as you don’t make it too cliché, and you haven’t. It made the description seem much more realistic.

They tell her she is nineteen years old. They tell her it has been two years since she left Hogwarts. They tell her he died a year ago. Up until this paragraph, the reader is wondering exactly what happened — which I’m sure is the point of it, especially towards the end. Although the “he died a year ago,” through me off because I wasn’t sure of the time-span, and I couldn’t tell if Ginny was mourning for the first time or not until this point. Perhaps somewhere in the beginning you could add that she looks out the window again? That way you wouldn’t have to reveal specifics, but you could still tell us that it wasn’t terribly recent.

The entire visual of this little story is very poetic. ...gray clouds obscuring the usually blue sky, how they reform and move across the heavens... Her arms hang uselessly, her unkempt hair lays in strands down her back, her eyes enlarge but she does not utter a sound... She watches the pink clouds and the faint twinkle of a star that is always seen near the sun until its glare swallows the star up. The description is all very astonishing and elaborate.

I also like how you begin and end with the window. It’s certainly a good way to conclude a story, because it gives it a sense of finality once you’ve made a circle. Maybe you could even increase this effect if you somehow slipped something in about rain? I know it’s not there anymore, but just a tiny slip of how it once was — with your much more eloquent wording, of course — would make the closure a teeny tiny bit more final.

I really liked this, and I usually skip right over fics about mourning couples once I’ve read the first paragraph. I give you many kudos on your wonderful description which actually managed to grasp my attention span. And the fact that it was in present tense may have helped too. But truly, I am dazzled by your choice of words, in case you haven’t noticed by my babbling.

You know what I love about reviewing things you’ve already beta-read? You don’t have to read the story too carefully, and you already know the author’s strengths and weaknesses. Plus, I don’t have to mention anything grammatical! Great for lazy people like myself.

Firstly, you’ve got a really creative, yet believable, plot going on here, and I really like it. That and it’s nice to seem some stories that take place after OotP rather than HBP for once. It’s good to see Dumbledore and Draco around. Actually, there was something I was going to ask but forgot to: Are you integrating any of HBP into this story, or is it completely separate?

You seem to have a rather nice knack for description, but I think you could add a little more about the setting — not hugely obvious, like “The kitchen was square with blue wall paper and black and white tiles”, but a sort of subtle description, such as “Hermione sat alone in the kitchen listening to the clock ticking; her eyes unfocused and she found herself staring that the black and white tiles on the floor.” I tend to find that it’s easiest to integrate certain details to correspond with different actions that the character is doing.

I really enjoy things from Hermione’s point of view, by the way. As a matter of fact, I’m looking forward to it even more later in the story! Actually, your whole story’s got me oddly curious (especially since I’ve gotten to read the second chapter)!

So far, with the creative point of view, the description, and the lovely original plot line, you’ve got great potential for this story. I’m actually glad I’m your beta (and the only reason I wouldn’t be glad is because I’m lazy), because I’m really curious about what’s going to happen next.


Author's Response: Rita, you made my day when I saw a \"1\" under the words \"reveiews\"... I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get any! You\'re right about the lack of descriptive deatils and I catch it every once in a while, teeheehee. Thanks again for everything!

Hola!

I really like the mood of this chapter, simply because it goes well with the last one. You had a lot of different things going on at once in the last one, and now thing’s have sort of calmed down and connected back together. I’ve always liked explanation chapters, because I was always more interested in the characters’ reactions than events.

I have a bit of a random suggestion, so I’ll use this excerpt as an example:

“Blimey, Harry. Malfoy told you ALL of that? No truth serum? I dunno, mate. It seems to me like he was a little too willing to share.” Ron stopped walking and looked at Harry with a look of utter disbelief.

This is the kind of dialogue you want to split up a lot of times, because it changes thought about half way through. One moment Ron is disbelieving, the next he doubts (which are close, but still different). I’d suggest adding something simple like “he asked” between Not truth serum? and I dunno, mate. Also, just in this particular passage, Ron stops walking at a sort of awkward moment. He says all of that and then looks all shocked. That’d be like me saying, “Oh my gosh, are you serious? I can’t believe this! Wow!” and then stopping to clasp my hands over my face. It just comes off as being a bit delayed.

Now that I think about it, you could have had a lot of fun with Mr. and Mrs. Granger; I imagine that they’d be quite out of it, especially after we’ve seen Lockhart when he’s been Obliviated. Of course, his went wrong, but I still imagine that they’d be a bit coo coo.

You’ve got a wonderful way of keeping your chapters moving. Something always happens at the very end, whether it’s urgent or laid back. I have to admit, you don’t see that too often. Go you!

Hey, Nikki! I’m reviewing again.

This chapter has a lot of dialogue, which you seem to have fun writing. This isn’t a bad thing; a lot of people (like me) like reading dialogue more than description. And no, that doesn’t mean you can give up description. :P Both are equally important, dialogue is just more fun to write and read sometimes, mainly because it’s easier to think of what someone would say than what a room would look like. Anyway, my point is that dialogue is obviously one of your strengths in writing; everything seems natural and doesn’t stray too far from the topic/chapter.

On that same note, be sure that you’re not using dialogue as a way to fill up the chapter so that it gets to 1,000 words. One of the best things you can do is know exactly where your chapter is going to end before you start writing, so that everything in it leads up to that one point smoothly. If when you finish it, it’s too short, simply extend the point where the chapter ends (still knowing where it will end).

Whoa – I just accidentally clicked the back button, and a new chapter came up! I guess it was just the warning you needed to change. Yay!

You have a particularly good characterization of Dumbledore. He’s not really manipulative (one of my biggest pet peeves), or foolish, or any of those out-of-character traits you see him having in fanfiction sometimes. And his eyes don’t “twinkle” every other paragraph. I give you kudos!

The story’s moving along very nicely. I remember when I wrote my first fanfiction, it got up to 26 chapters, but they didn’t connect very well; one chapter would just be there for the sake of being there, another one for quidditch, another for Christmas, then a climax, and then the end. All the chapters in “Safe Haven” have something to do with one another, so you’ve got a rising action, and it keeps the reader interested. I can’t wait to beta your next chapter!

HA! I [was] the first again! *sticks tongue out at all the other reviewers*

There are certain books that when I read them, I pay close attention to the writing style, because I want to learn to write better myself. I also do this when I read your stories. No matter how much I say it, it remains that you’re writing style is incredible. Your words flow so gracefully that World History would suddenly become interesting if you wrote it. Plus, I love you to death just for using dashes. Dashes are awesome and need more attention.

The trouble was that it had been so easy, so simple to set up a spectrum as harsh and unyielding as the black and white squares of the Ministry floor, a spectrum with only two categories — those who were working for the Ministry (for the country, for the people, for the sake of all that’s good) and those who were working against it. You’re one of those people who can spit out quotes like this that would take me ages to think of. Black and white squares... You are absolutely brilliant.

I’ve never really enjoyed a Percy one-shot, to be honest — before this. Not simply because you have him down well, but because you avoid all the annoying clichés you see with him. “I betrayed my family, blah, blah, blah, I’m a horrible person.” I can’t say that I ever bothered to try and “get” Percy, but really, this was wonderful. It makes you think about your own life along with the person in the story’s, and that, in my opinion, is something that makes for wonderful literature.

I love how you have all the Weasley children as examples for certain things. It’s so fitting for Percy. But mainly, if adulthood is one of the themes of the story, then the ways of children is a brilliant way to give a better picture. The twins eavesdropped openly and honestly... Percy listened in secret and in shame to the world he wanted so desperately to enter... And the bit with Bill kissing a girl was wonderfully put.

...and the taste of forgiveness is apple-sweet upon his lips. That “apple” in there made that ten times the better ending. Not only does it finalize the end, but the fact that you’ve included some inside information from the story makes it so much more personal.

Really, I will forever be in awe of your writing. Not just the way you write things, but the metaphors and symbolism you manage to integrate into the story, even one requested of you. By the way, you did an excellent job of following the SSSSS request. I’m sure your person was very pleased!



Author's Response: Poor Eliza and the moochie heart. *loves* I haven\'t read a lot of Percy-fics before, so I\'m not really sure what they usually consist of - I have no idea how this story ended up being about Percy, because it started out with the scene with Bill and the girl in the orchard, and somehow...ended up where it is now. And wow - have I ever told you how good you are at compliments? Because I feel all warm and tingly now. *hugs* Thank you.

Aaagh! McKee’s back! And I’ve been missing it!

That was absolutely the coolest way to bring a character back! Really, I’m grinning like an idiot! There’s so many questions! What’s McKee been up to? How’d she wake up? How’s she going to react to Bill? How come Brian’s so low? Well, more like, “I want to know more about Brian.”

Actually, when poor Brian started crying, it seemed like he got hushed up pretty fast. That looked like a pretty important part of the chapter, and then it ended really fast. I’m pretty intrigued by the little guy. Also, I kind of wondered what Bill was thinking when Brian asked if he killed his mom. I can understand that he’d be pretty rushed, wondering what was going on and all, but I just felt like there was an odd gap right there.

You did a good job explaining why McKee was still alive. The goblin bit was well woven into everything, and I’m glad. You wake a dead character and make it seem reasonable and perfectly logical!

Also, you’re characterization is lovely. Each action that everyone does is detailed in such a way that I can imagine exactly what’s going, who’s looking at who, where each person is... and that’s an important part of writing! Heck, that’s practically why I got so addicted to McKee in the first place! I specifically remember her pulling her hair out of a pony tail so hard that hair came out, and wondering if she’d ever go bald. Things like that always make your writing so believable.

*adds to favorites*

Be lucky; I may have just decided to finish out my reviews with all of this. ;)

OMG, you're never going to believe this, but I was freaking out for like five minutes because I couldn't find the review box!

Author's Response: Rita...I just died laughing. lol!! I\'m glad you enjoyed it. And most of the Brian/Bill action went on when Bill tucked him back into bed. There\'ll be a lot more interaction to come.

Um, I’m really sorry that your last review is for the last chapter. I seriously couldn’t find the box! It wasn’t there, at all, and then when I went to the last chapter, it appeared! But now it’s back....

I love how this starts. You know exactly who’s being talked about, but immediately you wonder where she is. And then you hear that she slept on pavement. I tell you, curiosity will be the death of me one day, and you keep playing on it! Then what was that? She just had some sort of spaz! Sheesh, you just want me to keel over wondering, don’t you?

There’s something really realistic about McKee that I’ve always liked, and seeing her in such bad shape is sad. There’s something inside her that ticks, and it makes me happy that Bill and Charlie found her.

I am so glad that Fleur came up, just because I’ve never cared for her much. All she got was a good telling off! Ha! It makes me so sadistically happy that she gets to hear Bill talk about finding McKee.

Here it is. You’re another one of those cliff-hanger hogs. You just can’t get enough of them, can you? I have to hand it to you, though, you make me want to rush through the story without stopping. Actually, I would, except then I know I’d only want to write one review, and that just would work out.

A still have dozens of questions, but I know you did that on purpose, so I won’t bother asking.

Noooooo! People reviewed this before me! *cries* *fails at life*

Ooh, you’re such a poet, Nan! I’d love to ramble on about how you used moonbeams so much, but I think that’s pretty obvious to you anyway, and I’ve just done 3 pages of annoying homework on metaphors anyway! You can really captivate! There was a split second there when I got really annoyed that I don’t feel that way about anyone! You made me jealous of a fictional character! Aaagh, I can’t get over hoe good your writing is!

I loved the format of this. That I loved it is all I can say about it though.

Nan, your writing style is incredible; I feel guilty reading your stories, like I should have paid for them or something, but instead I’ve got free access on the internet. With a single touch he teaches her of colors... *sigh*

I know I’m supposed to be constructive, but I’ve got nothing to say! I’d just feel terrible if I didn’t comment on such a beautiful story! Everything ties together so bitter-sweetly, and it’s written in a way that’s impossible not to be able to feel.

*love*

*stops unconstructive rambling*


Author's Response: *hugs* You don\'t fail. You\'re one of my most constant reviewers - therefore I can huggle and thank you, and tell you not to be silly. And you always manage to make me feel that I\'m not totally off-base in my wild imaginations of being published someday. (As for being jealous of a fictional character - I don\'t feel that way about anyone, either. I\'m glad it appears realistic to you!) Thank you for your lovely (if perhaps somewhat unmerited) compliments!