First off, I love your portrayal of Snape; it seems so spot on. I loved the way that you used the short, staccato, almost Hemingway-esque sentences in this story while you’re talking about Snape and how the paragraph are that way as well. It seems very much like how he would think; no excess, no frills, just his thought pure and simple. The simplicity works to your advantage not only in how it shows his psyche, but also in that it uses economy and when you do go into more detail, it becomes all the more vivid, pointing out the section that you want heightened. This section really caught my eye: The images floated in and out of his mind, haunting him. Lily’s sweet lips – lips that had once been his – on James Potter’s. Her soft hand on his cheek. Her green pools of life looking into his eyes with adoration.
You can really see how it is both a sweet touching moment for James and Lily, but also a haunting nightmare kind of ingrained in Snape’s mind. The “green pools of life” is really a lovely way to put it. The way that you use details, like that eyes are the gateways to the soul and JKR specifically made sure that Lily’s were green, to create an image of perfect, natural beauty and the emphasis on her eyes alone as though Snape knew the life that shone from within them.
The use of the cold and dark also worked well in this story in how it emphasizes Snape’s current emotional state. He is constantly an onlooker and never participates except for in his fantasies and his is left in the cold and dark.
I also like how unlike other Snape fics that I’ve read, you don’t make James into a villain. You in fact show everytime that Lily and James are together that she is happier and laughing, which stands in such contrast to both Snapes feelings at the time and the scene shown in DH where Snape is sitting outside the Gryffindor common room. This juxtaposition makes it all the more heartbreaking because it seems like despite the fact that Snapes loves her, she really should be with James.
My one quibble is with the last two lines: Maybe he would take Lucius’ offer to join the Dark Lord after Hogwarts. After all, he had nothing else.
It just makes the entire decision seem very nonchalant and maybe he was that indifferent when he made that decision. I know that he is completely dejected at that point, but I don’t know it makes it seem as though he’s just deciding whether he should put cream or milk in his coffee.
I do love the story though.