06/11/08
Hi! I have pruned back this page recently to show only my best work. In addition I have deleted all chaptered fics that I have no plans for finishing in the near future. I have saved all the reviews from my deleted fics -- I'm sorry if I never replied to the review you left >.> Thanks everyone! In the future I'll hopefully get Weakness finished, and a few more poems up maybe. xx
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Belonging to Bellatrix by Fantasium
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: “Behind every great man stands a great woman.” But what happens when the roles change? What is life like to a man who must live in the shadow of his wife? A wife who is neither great nor good, but wicked and cruel, and who only exists to serve her master… One-shot, written pre-HBP.
Date: 06/23/09 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot
Anna... so I was going to read one of your stories with less reviews, but Bella intrigues me too much >.> And your summary was too good to pass. Lol. So, I read this. And I don’t regret my choice. XD
This really sucked me in which is odd, because I prefer fics that are balanced between dialogue and description, and not too heavy on either. The lack of speech here though worked perfectly, and it reflected the seemingly silent atmosphere I felt from your description of the darkness of the setting. Naturally, I associate darkness and silence because of sleep.
Something that struck me immediately was how you didn’t mention any names in the first paragraph. Rodolphus could have been anyone, and by mentioning no names, immediately it helped me get into his shoes more, because although I knew it was him from the summary, the anonymity of him at first made him slightly more intriguing.
Actually, in general, I found myself very much relating with his character. I loved how you included the paragraph on Bella, and explained what he saw in her, as such – the change in her appearance shows how deceptive her beauty was, in a way. Nothing like the woman that always hid underneath the flesh, exposed by Azkaban. That’s how I saw it, anyway...
There was a little inconsistency in the fic where Bella was concerned, though. Especially towards the beginning, the narration said ‘Bellatrix’, but then it turned to more ‘Bella’s. I’d choose one or the other, unless it’s for illustrative purposes, like here: Bellatrix Black was to add to both their status and wealth.
And I can’t review and not tell you how much I love the ending. I forget warnings when I read FF, so it came as a bit of a surprise to me, though as soon as he began pondering the knife I remembered the warning and knew what he was going to do. I have to say, it was both a sad and beautiful conclusion. For such a short fic, I did find myself kind of tied to Rodolphus and I didn’t want it to happen, but the description of the cliffs and sun made it perfect, in a way. Does that make sense? Also, I like how you don’t actually say outright what happens. Just that he wouldn’t be missed. It’s not graphic, and I think it would’ve been almost out-of-place with the fic if you had included it.
[...] lit by torches and candles, they were decorated [...] - maybe replace ‘they’ with ‘and’ there, or something? You’re talking about the corridors being decorated though, right?
suffocating stink of sea water - ooh, I love this sentence. It really appeals to the senses, which helps me get into the setting. However, maybe ‘stench’ instead of ‘stink’?
He spun around, failing completely to look composed. - I would swap around ‘failing completely’ so it’s ‘completely failing’. It would flow more naturally that way, I think.
Her high chin bones - do you mean cheekbones?
“It seems that my master has found a purpose for you, after all. Try not to disappoint him.” - and I love that Bella says my here, instead of ‘our’. She said ‘our’ a few lines before, but the subtle transition – whether on purpose or not – shows well where everybody stands in her eyes.
This was a very capturing piece, Anna. –hugs Buddy-
I Dreamed a Dream by grangergurl
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Merope's life with Tom. The first one-shot songfic in my Les Mis Series.
Date: 08/06/09 Title: Chapter 1: I Dreamed a Dream
Hello, Hailey. :)
I think you picked a very good song for this one-shot. It weaves in seamlessly, and really fits the pairing.
I like how you bring Merope’s mother into this – I’ve never thought about her before; I suppose I always assumed she died in childbirth like her daughter, or something. However, it very much fits this family that the women were lesser and were beaten. It characterises what we see of Marvolo quite well, that not much matters to him but his name and that he can pass it on... which would be why Morfin was the favourite maybe, as traditionally sons are heirs.
but they had a good time comforting each other.
That line is in regards to Merope and her mother being beaten, but I can’t help but find it a little odd. How could they have a ‘good time comforting each other’ after what they’d been through? :/ I think I know what you’re getting at, but... maybe something more along the lines of ‘they offered each other comfort and that made them feel better’ – it would work just as well, I think, but make more sense in the circumstances.
The one thing I would’ve liked to see more of in this fic is emotion. I like the quickness of the story, how you don’t go into too much detail, you just skim over the main parts of their relationship – after all, Merope and Tom were together for a short time -- but when it comes to the birth, I would’ve liked a bit more:
She came to an orphanage, and decided that this was an appropriate place, as there was nowhere else.
I know why she’s entering the orphanage, but it would’ve been good to tell us a little about how Merope was reacting at this point, tell us a little about what she was thinking about. She’s deeply in love with Tom, maybe she would be wishing for him to be by her side, pretending he’s there even? Skimming over the main points after Tom left her is okay, like selling the necklace – we can pretty much imagine how she’d handle it -- but I would’ve liked to see how scared she was when she felt the first contraction, how she might try to be brave like her mother... you know?
You included small details like how she didn’t really know the value of money, which I thought was effective in showing why she’d let such a valuable item out of her grasp for so little. In addition, I loved this line: he followed, not unlike a puppy. because it reminds that this isn’t true love, that Tom’s bewitched, as such. Lol.
Good story. xx
Author's Response: Thanks so much for your review :) You really helped me out. This is one of those stories that I wrote a long time ago and tend to ignore, so I'm glad you reminded me that it was still on here. Thanks!
Revival of Autumn by AstroFire
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: The war is long over, and Harry is now reflecting on what his life is. But is it really what he thought it would be?
A short one-shot with Autism as the main theme. Meant for mature readers. Rating due to the sensitive topic.
Loads of thanks to Kasey for modding and guiding me with this story.
Date: 05/04/09 Title: Chapter 1: Revival of Autumn
Hello, dear. Well, I noticed this fic is about autism when I was perusing the banner threads, and because I’m writing a story on this topic myself, I was intrigued immediately and had to read it.
You handled the sensitive subject well, and I was really sucked into the story. The imagery you used to describe Harry’s sadness was beautiful, and very much came across, and I found the ending sad as well as happy because Harry understood her fascination with the stars, but their family wasn’t together...If that makes sense. I’m assuming that’s how you intended it.
Autumn was slowly decaying to give life to winter
Something that stood out to me, was the consistency of the changing seasons theme throughout, and how it was always autumn and winter. That metaphor very much showed how life might be for Harry.
And, the song. You weaved the lyrics into the story impeccably, and they also fit the mood, the writing, the... everything, perfectly. They seemed a lot like they could be Harry’s thoughts to me as well, which is effective – even if you didn’t mean it like that – because it helps the reader get into his head just a little more.
It was a trembling note elongating before the silence of ice
and he had to turn around to hide the bitter elixir that was now coursing his face like a bleeding wound.
I have one nit-pick for the imagery. In these two lines, though very nice, I did a double take. I understand the second – he’s crying, right? - but I’m not at all sure about the first. :/ To be honest, they interrupted the flow of the piece when I was reading because I didn’t understand them right away, and I think it would be better if you simplified them.
Now, this has to be my favourite line: her limbs stretched out as though turning into a star herself. Very simple imagery, but so very vivid. I could see the little girl, in my mind’s eye, and I could see the stars that it compares her to. Because she is a star to Harry, however distant she might be to him.
Now, my nit-picks:
making every shadow to slowly creep out - you need to remove ‘to’.
Her attraction on the changing sky - ‘to the’.
he couldn’t stop a small smile to creep into his mouth - ‘small smile creep onto his lips’ maybe? /suggestion. You could come up with something better probably.
The moon was waning, and it would be New Moon soon. - This took away from the story a bit, mainly because of the repetition of ‘moon’. Also, ‘New Moon’ doesn’t really need to be capitalised I don’t think.
to feel a connexion - ‘connection’.
it was his attention he could not grab. - do you mean ‘her attention’?
But yes. Very good story, like I said. xx
Author's Response: Hi inspirations! I'm very sorry for taking so long to respond. As you can imagine, I stoped writing for a couple of years, but I'm now trying to get back to it. My english is a little bit rusty right now, so I hope you'll understand if it gets confusing at some points. By the way, something I've noticed (now that I'm reading my answers to the reviews) I do a lot is skipping whole words. No matter the language, I've realized I do this every time I write. It's weird but you could say I 'say' the word in my mind but don't actually write; but because I 'said' it, I keep writing thinking I already put it down. Anyhow...
I'm glad the majority seems to think I handled the topic correctly. It was certainly one of my greatest worries when writing it. You could say it was intended to be sort of a bittersweet ending, but more sweet than bitter, because even when they aren't actually together and Ginny is dead, he realizes they are closer than what he thinks.
Yes, I used the seasons not only for the scenary autumn can bring forth, but also because they reflect Harry's feelings: his hope is decaying somehow, he feels he can't keep the flame burning inside him.
I didn't write the lyrics, but I thought the same you did: the fit so well. In all honesty, I couldn't say I did something to make them fit, they did it by their own, heh. I like very much those lyrics, specially that part that says: "Don't you slip away from me, don't you leave. Don't you slip away from me, I'm vulnerable to your love."
In the second, yes, he's crying. In the first one, I wanted people to feel or perceive that winter was about there. Although winter can be related with fun and christmas, it also makes you think of death and coldness. So, it wasn't winter yet, and it almost as if autumn was trying to stay there (just as a note playing as long as it can last), although it would finally succumb to winter. This, of course, reflects what Harry felt: he was getting near to a point he thought he couldn't bear it anymore; he was loosing all hope. And yet, he was fighting not to get there. Hence the title of the fic.
Thank you very much for nit picking! I won't have time to change that right away, but I'll do it in the next couple of days. By the way, "connexion" is just me mixing up languages >.<' Thanks for pointing it out to me though!
Well, insipirations, what can I say? Thank you very much for such an honest review! I'll proceed to do many of the changes you suggested. I love to hear you liked it. This story still means a lot to me, no matter how much time has passed by. :)
It Takes a Thief by Kerichi
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary:
It takes a thief to catch a thief, but when Auror Ginny Weasley goes beyond the call of duty to catch Draco Malfoy red-handed, he catches her off guard, professionally and romantically.
Date: 12/31/09 Title: Chapter 1: It Takes a Thief
Hey, Paige. :] Well, I’m not usually a Draco/Ginny shipper, but your summary intrigued me enough to want to read on. It’s an interesting story.
I liked how smoothly Draco lied to Ginny in the beginning. I really didn’t realise he was the thief until it’s confirmed when he goes to steal the last object. However, there, I was slightly confused, because up until then he just seems to shrug these robberies aside. Even being a Malfoy, and having done this for months and never being caught, I would’ve thought that he’d at least be nervous – especially when he knows Ginny is on his case. I find Draco’s character difficult, and I thought you wrote him well, but a bit more a conscience before that point would’ve made it a little more believable for me in the beginning.
You know, I love how Draco outwits Ginny with his magic, by being more prepared than she is. There’s no false sort of ‘I-won’t-get-caught’ confidence there, which I believe would only be the case – he would’ve learnt from his father’s, etc., mistakes. In addition, Ginny being confident enough not to have back-up and such was nicely written. It embodies her exasperation at not having been able to catch Draco nicely, and also her confidence that she can catch Draco, even though in the end that’s not the case.
One thing about this fic is that it kept me on my toes. It kept me guessing, right up until the point where it is revealed about Draco and Scrimgeour’s arrangement. So that mysterious element was great, because it kept me reading. Without the mystery, I think the story would be just a shell of what it is, and not half as enjoyable a read.
Finally, the end of the fic when they were finally together was awesome. It really tied the story together, especially as you kept that Egyptian theme there. Without that it might’ve seemed like it should be the start of end of another story, but those references to the culture of the stolen statues, etc. – and the setting itself – kind of grounded it. In addition, Draco and Ginny were together! And, of course, that’s what I’d wanted them to do for half the story, LOL. Nice story, dear. xx
Author's Response:
Happy New Year! I see Slytherins as being good liars, not only to others but to themselves as well. I don't care. I'm not nervous. Gryffindors may be bold, but Slytherins have their own brand of bravado. :D
I'm thrilled you liked the Egyptian elements and the mystery that acts as a catalyst for romance. With some couples, the only way they're going to get together believably is through extraordinary circumstances.
Thank you for reading a story even though you don't ship the pairing, and double thanks for wanting them to get together as you read!Killer Instincts by Ginny Weasley Potter
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: London: Four murders have taken place under bizarre circumstances, for what seems to be an equally bizarre reason.
Harry, a happily wedded man with a wonderful wife and a cute daughter, is an Auror at the Ministry of Magic and is now given a new case to solve with Ron and four other Aurors. Incidentally, the four Aurors include Ginny, Harry’s ‘schoolboy crush’; and it turns out to be much more than a crush when Harry sees her again. What’s more is that Harry is working upon a case that seems to connect to him directly. And once again, it opens up old fears: fears of losing loved ones.
Ron, on the other hand, seems to be tired of Hermione. Tempers are running high and fights are breaking out more often than usual. Are they really falling apart? Or can they sort this out before it is too late?
Then there is the case itself. Who is trustworthy, and who is not? Who is deadly enough to murder four people in cold blood?
Indulge into the gut-wrenching action, combined with warm romance and tingling suspense; while I tell you a story of love, ambition and obsession… a story of what those killer instincts can do. EDIT: MAJOR revamping going on, with regard to plot, characterisation, and general style of writing. I would urge you not to read this until I've removed this notice because I wasn't very good six years ago, and this is as bad as I was. *Places traffic cones*
Date: 07/06/09 Title: Chapter 2: The New Case
Hey, Pooja! Well, you’re the featured author in our house this month [yay!] and it gave me the idea to come read more of your WIP. I can’t wait till I reach the chapters with your OCs Chris and Daisy in. I think they’re some of the first character threads I ever commented on, so of course they intrigue me. Anyway... your chapter one.
I like how Harry is obviously still in love with Ginny [and vice versa] yet he’s gone and married Parvati because of what she’s done for him, and they’ve had a child together. This is bound to make the rest of the story more complex where relationships are concerned, especially as everyone’ll be living together! I feel sorry for Parvati though, because I have a feeling Harry and Ginny will somehow fall into each other’s arms [being that the category is part Harry/Ginny ;p] but your portrayal of Parvati is so lovely! And if Harry and Ginny don’t end up together, then Harry still seems to love Ginny more. Parvati obviously cares a lot about Harry, and she just wants the best for him. And, besides that, she’s a really friendly person from what we’ve seen of her.
From that, when I read the prologue I thought Harry and Parvati were deeply in love with each other, but from the first chapter I’ve learnt so much about their relationship already. Your Harry is well done. He’s acting the hero whether he realises it or not, just because he’s married Parvati and he’s very much in a stubborn denial about his love for Ginny.
Naina is so cute! Immediately you can see that she has a very good relationship with both of her parents, and her home life is comfortable. Harry and Parvati seem to care about her a lot, and I love the family dynamics you have going on between the three. The alphabet scene was very well done, and I found myself grinning real widely because I could visualise it so well.
Now, I’m not sure whether this is just me being slow, but the beginning of the chapter confused me a bit. Are they doing an assault course as part of their Auror training? At first I thought they were actually fighting a Death Eater, but that was soon cleared up for me, but then the boggart came out of nowhere... It was a nice action-packed start, and it really grabbed my attention, but, as I said, I was slightly confused.
After that, I found it a bit unrealistic when Ron just made hot chocolate appear. It seemed too easy, considering how the trio lived in DH. Maybe have him summon it or something?
I really liked the kind of companionship between Ron and Harry. You did a good job of showing what good friends they are, just in their speech to each other and such. My only nit-pick for how they addressed each other was that it was a lot of ‘mate’. That gets a bit repetitive after a while, and I would consider including the word ‘mate’ less, as when it’s often used it loses some of its impact.
When Harry and Ron are being told about the murders, I find it a bit odd that the note is assumed as being by a ‘she’ by the word ‘want’. To me, ‘want’ in this sense would mean more than the Aurors are assuming. I just don’t think an Auror would overlook all of the possibilities.
A few nit-picks:
said Ron and within a few seconds - I think a comma is needed after the name?
“Yeah, I think so.” Harry replied. - should be so,”.
That’s what we are supposed to do - how about ‘we’re’ instead of ‘we are’? I find contractions sound more natural in direct speech.
Hi Harry - you’ve made this error a few times, but it’s nothing major. Basically, when somebody addresses somebody else, have a comma before the name of the person they’re talking to. So, here, it should be ‘Hi, Harry’.
not getting his eyes off Ginny - ‘not taking’?
Only other nit-pick is this bit of dialogue between Ginny and Hermione:
“Hi,” greeted Ginny, managing a smile. “Good to see you. How are you?”
“I’m fine. What about you?”
“I’m fine, thank you. But are you absolutely sure that you’re fine?”
If you go back and look at it, you’ll see that the order has gone awry somewhere :p In theory, Ginny’s saying the last line, too, but that doesn’t make sense to me when you read the whole block of text together. :/ Also, I got the impression Ginny hadn’t seen her family for a while, yet the two women talk as if they’d only seen each other yesterday or something. If I’m wrong about any considerable time gaps since they last met, please disregard this, but I think they’d both be a bit more enthusiastic if they hadn’t seen each other for a while. Maybe have them hug or something? Again, disregard if I interpreted wrong.
Overall, though, lovely chapter. You’ve set up a good basis to develop your story on, as you’ve left some ideas to think about, such as where Harry’s love truly lies and how he’ll handle it, and how Harry will react to his party, etc.
Lovely story so far, love! xox
Author's Response: Aw Spire... *huggles*. Thank you so much for this lovely review! Chris and Daisy come much later, though, Daisy in chapter 5 and Chris is chapter 7, I think. Anyway. I'm glad you like the family dynamics and the character settings :). About the dummies at the start, it was training. It was just like an assault course, which included a Boggart to see how they tackled it. And Ron conjuring the chocolate-- thanks for pointing that out! I'll correct it immediately. I wasn't aware of the Gamp's laws when this was written, actually, because I wrote this chapter in April, 2007. DH was released in July, 2007. ;) I'll just go and let him summon it. As for the 'mate' troubles... *kills self* I just noticed it. Thanks for telling me! And about the Auror assumptions, I'll see what I can do. Yeah, it's not the complete story the Aurors are getting there, though ;). Obsession... LOL. As for the dialogues, thanks for the nit-picks! I see I've left out quite a few things unattended there. I'll just go correct it now. That dialogue between Ginny and Hermione has been messed up, yes. I just noticed it right now. O.o
Oh, I so love such constructive criticism, Spire, you made my day! Do post in the Bar soon, I miss you! Thanks for the review! :)
Date: 03/13/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
I thought it was Harry/Ginny? Hm. XD I guess I’ll have to read on to find out what happens. Anyway…
I love the way this is so rich in a culture that a lot of us aren’t familiar with. My only little nit-pick for the wedding would be that it’s all slightly Muggle. I liked that the bride arrived in a car, but I think it would’ve been nice to use a portkey or something instead of cars, because it’s a bit more magical. I liked how you kept to Parvati’s religions’ customs, but it might’ve been good if there were like, sparks fired from a wand over their head or something before they kiss, just to finalise their marriage. In a way.
But I really did like it, although you described their clothes a bit too much at the beginning, I think. But then, I’ve never been one for physical descriptions of what people wear, so yeah… ;] And I don’t think you need to have ‘dupatta’ italicised.
She was carrying their three-month-old son, Jake in her arms. Ron smiled at her and she returned it. Then, he looked aside and smiled warmly at his best friend and the bridegroom, Harry. Harry too, like Ron was dressed in a sherwani, though it was white. - You need a comma after ‘Jake’ and another after ‘like Ron’.
Anyway, I could really imagine the scene, and the lack of speech was good, because I could feel the peace of the ceremony and all. I loved the opening line of the prologue purely because it was beautiful, and it illuminated the setting, in a way. It flowed well into the rest of the paragraph, you see.
The people belonging to the bride’s side were wearing traditional Christian gowns and suits while the people from the side of the bridegroom were dressed in saris and sherwanis- the traditional Hindu attire.
Having a clear division between the two religions was good, and realistic. Also, it shows how different the couples’ backgrounds are, in a way - I mean, their upbringing and beliefs, for example [correct me if I’m wrong about that, though - I don’t really know much about Hinduism]. But, what I liked best, was how you have both sides acknowledging how the other half of the family live, in a simple, but significant, gesture like this. If you know what I mean …
Yeah. Well done, honey. I will read on. :] xx
Author's Response: *Squees and huggles Spire* Aw, thank you, honey, you've made my day! Yeah. The story is H/G. You'll get me when yo read the next chapter ;). About Parvati arriving in a car... I'll see what I can do about that. But yeah, I guess I'll edit in with the sparks and the commas. :) Clothes... I guess I was just sorta excited about the saris and all... you know me, I'm hyper. >.<. Thank you for your comments on the first para! It was written like, two years from today... quite old. LOL. And the opposite cultures... it was just like a bolt of lightning from thin air. LOL. Thank you so, so much!
Time for Forgiveness by Cwiddy
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Morgan Le Faye, also known as Morgana has spent her life in battle with her brother Arthur. Now, years later they meet in a forest glen to make amends and offer forgiveness to each other.
Date: 11/08/08 Title: Chapter 1: Time for Forgiveness
A petite, raven haired woman sat up a wooden log, idly playing on a lyre. - this line confused me, which isn’t good, as it is the first.
Otherwise, the worst you did was drop a few commas. I think this was a really interesting idea - the words you used gave it the element of magic. The language, the order. I liked the poem in the middle, it was a nice touch.
I’ll look out for more from you :)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Never been told the first line is confusing before, but I'll take a look...Thanks again!
The Letter by Cassandras Cross
Rated: 6th-7th Years • Summary: DH SPOILERS! Harry is so consumed with his career as an Auror that he loses touch with Ginny and their children until a letter arrives to help him remember what really matters. But is something sinister waiting out there to take it all away? An escape from Azkaban, the first in twenty years, stirs up Harry's worst fears from the past as those he loves are threatened.
Romance, mystery, and drama combine to make this a story you won't soon forget! Set one year before DH epilogue. Completely canon compliant. All reviews receive responses.
THE EPILOGUE IS UP! I don't know whether to laugh or cry as this story comes to an end, and Harry finally figures out where it's really at. (Thanks again to the amazing mods for your rapid-fire response!)
Date: 06/19/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Hello, dear. Well, I read this story a while ago, but I remembered it when I was doing my character class over on the forums, and I’m pleased I got to look over the story again. :) I have to say, it was wonderfully written, and I seriously couldn’t leave my computer I wanted to know what happened next so much! Actually, come to it, I’m surprised I haven’t read your other stories. Anyhow...
You know, one of my favourite things about The Letter is the family dynamics you’ve got going. I mean, you have this enormous Weasley family, and they are exactly how I would expect them to be. Just so tight, close... I love the family gathering, and the small mentioning about why they don’t have them more often. Lol. I find it quite likely – imagine trying to squeeze them all into the Burrow on a rainy day.
My character for characterisation class is Hugo, so I was specifically paying attention to your characterisation of him. For the very few mentions he gets, I have to say you fleshed him out well. You slipped in little adjectives with him, which showed us his character. I mean, in the last chapter for example, Ron turns to him about the driving lessons – it shows that Hugo is the one who will stick up for his dad. That whole section portrays Hugo as trustworthy and honest. But in other parts of the fic, you show us different traits, too. Like proud of his father. I noticed things like this with the other characters, as well, and as somebody who really isn’t good with characterisation, it was lovely to see how you developed these characters so well – especially the lesser mentioned ones like Hugo.
When I initially read this story, I loved the plot you unfurled around Scrimgeour’s son, and Blaise Zabini and all that. How you pieced it all together is very well done, and so well written. I love how you build the story up, and give it such a fantastic climax until it winds back down to the lovely light-hearted ending.
I will definitely delve into one of your other stories when I have time and give it a review that comments more than just on the characterisation. Lol. –hugs-
As Happily Ever After As They're Gonna Get by cjbaggins
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: My take on the first of those 'nineteen years' between the 36th chapter of DH and the epilogue.
Warnings: contains an unusually-shaped ring, a nosy neighbour, a rude shop assistant, shaving mishaps, thoughtful gestures, threatening goblins, and, unexplained appearances of Romantic!Ron and Romantic!Harry. You have been warned.
Rating is for *mild* innuendo and *mostly* innocent interactions but I wouldn't let my 9 year old read it.
Date: 08/29/08 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 9 - Revelations
I think this is probably my favourite chapter yet. It seems I was right about Meldrum, and I like the character you have fleshed out for her. It's nice that you have incorperated Dean's background into the story, it makes it all slightly more ... umm, well, I like fanfics that stick to the canon, if you know what I mean.
Well, great story, yet again. I look forward to learning more about Oblongata, and her background. :)
You forgot to name this chapter by the way, lol.
Author's Response: Oh, I'm thrilled to hear it's your favourite so far. I was worried it was disjointed and quite a bit of rubbish! Thank you very much for your comments. I enjoy canon too (as you can tell). And the chapter name, yeah. {sigh} I had posted, and went to preview and realized I had forgotten the lines between scenes. When I redid it, I forgot the title. Have to go and fix that now. Thanks for reminding me! cj
Date: 08/10/08 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 8 - First Names, Syrup, and Trust
Great story! It's well written and I think you're taking it somewhere.
I loved this comment - 'Hermione smiled smugly. “She’s from America.”' It's so in character! I laughed out loud when I got to that and she was corrected.
Prof. Oblongata - she seems like a good character. I've got a feeling there's more to learn about her ... Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thanks loads for your review. I cringed when I read that you think I'm taking it somewhere. the question is 'where?', and 'will my readers like it when we're there?'! :)
A big bouquet of flowers for liking my 'America' comment. As a Brit, I assume you know that some refer to Canadians and Americans alike as 'Americans'. As a British-born Canadian myself, I know how much that rankles, so just had to put it in the story, and it seemed to be a very Hermione-ish thing to say! Thanks for thinking along the same lines as me!
Meldrum. Yeah. We'll see if everyone likes what I'm going to do with her. It comes out a lot in the next chapter. Hopefully, I'll get the emotions right, though. Seems a little 'dry' still. Not tear-worthy yet.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! cj
The Arcane ScoRA and the Wand of MacArt by OliveOil_Med
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Nominated for the 2008 Quicksilver Quill Award for Best Post-Hogwarts Story
When Albus, Rose, and Scorpius are put on the train to their first year at Hogwarts, their parents have simple hopes for them. Namely to have the normal, boring school years they never got to experience themselves. But sometimes, we ask too much of our children.
When the school becomes plagued by invasions of wild beasts, three different students from three different houses follow in the footsteps of the generation before them, but strive to achive the one thing none of their predesesors ever could: DON'T GET CAUGHT!
Date: 09/05/08 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6 The Doxy Swarm
Why haven't I reviewed this fic yet? It's a great story, and this chapter was excellently done, with the anticipation of Quidditch and all.
The story has an intriguing title, and is very well written.
I've got a few points to make, but nothing serious, just differences between American and English grammer. Neighbor is spelt Neighbour in Britain, and the word infirmary, I think, is generally only used in America. I might be wrong about the latter, but I've only ever seen/heard it on American shows, etc.
Great story (again), and I look forward to more, and learning about the wand of MacArt! :)
Author's Response: Yes, I do use American spelling in my stories (you spend fifteen years spelling words certain ways, it tends to become a reflex), but my lovely new betas are helping me to make it more British.
Before the Sunrise by Roxy Black
Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Summary: On the night before her wedding to James, Lily wakes up with icy feet. So when a ghost from her past shows up out of the blue, what can she do but wait for the sun to rise?
Date: 06/02/09 Title: Chapter 1: Before the Sunrise
This was a very beautiful portrayal of this pairing, Roxy. Heartbreaking, but accurate. But then, where’re Severus and Lily without the heartbreak?
I loved your characterisation of Severus – you can tell that he knows that he’s let himself and Lily down, and he knows that he’s lost her. Defeated and broken, he turned on the spot and fled from the house of his soul mate. That line shows us a lot about his character, I think. Particularly the word ‘broken’, which I feel signifies the anguish in him.
Your first paragraph is great – specifically, for the simple phrases mixed in with subtle description like plagued with disturbing dreams which is strong imagery, mainly because of the word ‘plagued’, which brings a lot of negative connotations with it - but at the same time, the paragraph bothers me. It seems kind of... script-like is what I’m thinking, though I’m not sure that’s the best way to describe it. There’re a lot of ‘she’ beginning sentences in the paragraph, though you do have a couple of alternate starts. However, Looking at her clock, she realised it was late is one of your two different beginnings, and a short sentence, so it somewhat merged with the other lines for me, heightening the repetitive feeling.
She turned to James for comfort, realising from the empty space that he had done what she’d asked and gone to stay with Sirius. - I think ‘but realised’ would flow nicer, and make slightly more sense.
Was she making the right decision?
That you gave that question a paragraph of its own worked very well. It emphasises that she is questioning whether marrying James is the right road for her, and it makes the reader – or me, at least – hold their breath for a second, wonder what she’s going to do, whether she’s going to run out on James or what – this is in ‘other pairing’, after all.
How dare he make this her fault? - although this is a question, it doesn’t feel like one to me. She's not wondering it, more like thinking it angrily. An exclamation mark may work better.
She recoiled to the wall with a strangled gasp before breaking down and sobbing into the sleeves of her jumper.
That line is possibly my favourite part of the whole story. I love how she knows he has the dark mark – the few lines before this point make that much clear – but it still comes as a shock to her to see it there, so clearly emblazoned on his flesh. It shows how much, maybe unconsciously, she was convincing herself that she was wrong, and he hadn’t entered Voldemort’s service. Because once that happens, she’s lost him forever in her eyes, and that’s something she doesn’t want to happen.
You promised it wasn’t you.” - Hm, I feel as if there’s a word or two missing there. The sentence just doesn’t seem quite right – maybe, ‘that it wasn’t for’?
Now, finally, I’d just like to finish by saying that not mentioning Severus’ name until right at the end was a good move. In fact, I just find it a nice touch that it’s there, because it finalises for the reader the identity of the man Lily has been thinking about and been with throughout the story, because to anyone who knows the Lily/Severus story, you can tell it is Severus from the moment she starts comparing the pictures. It’s satisfying to read his name right at the end.
Anyway, to round off, I’d just like to say this is one of the best Severus/Lily fics I have read. It very much captures the essence of their characters and relationship, and, yes... I really enjoyed reading it.
xx
Just One Kiss by coolh5000
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Gellert comes to say goodbye and Albus finally allows himself to show his true feelings.
Date: 04/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
This is really well written, Hannah. I was completely and utterly sucked into the story - and I don’t even read slash normally. But the summary intrigued me, so I had to read on. XD
Anyway, you described Albus perfectly. You could feel the anguish at the idea of Gellert leaving and his rejection, and you could see and sense how brave Albus was to make his feelings known. I felt crushed here: hatred, pure and utter hatred, piercing his own - poor Albus! The thoughts Albus had when they kissed made me almost expect it to be a happy ending, you see, though we know from canon that it isn’t. And you stuck to canon. But that phrase I pulled out, it’s like throwing all of those ideas that washed over him in those few seconds of contact back in his face.
Albus felt like he had been punched in the stomach. How could Gellert say there was nothing to stay for? Had their friendship meant nothing to him – the whole time he was here was his sole purpose simply to find out about the Hallows. Was Albus simply an extra in Gellert’s grand adventure?
The questions in that paragraph help us get into Albus’ shoes well, and the rhetorical questions really get us thinking about Gellert and his character, and I got a feel for Albus’ muted incredulousness, if you know what I mean. Also, you need a question mark after ‘hallows’, honey.
If this was love, then he wanted no part of it. - I loved this last line, because it’s kind of… ironic, in a way, because in the later books Harry gets annoyed with Dumbledore at times because he relies on the power of love so much, etc.
I have a few nit-picks:
The first paragraph is quite choppy. Although I like the use of short sentences, as it sets the mood effectively, I would suggest adapting a couple of sentences into one longer one. You also start quite a few lines in that paragraph with ‘he’, whereas it would be better with a little variation.
Because Albus’ sister was dead and even though no one would ever know who had sent that final curse, it was impossible for things to stay as they were. - a comma is needed at ‘and’ I reckon.
Today, however there was no scheming, no talk of their utopia, no discussion of all that they would do `for the greater good`. - I think a comma is needed after ‘however’.
Good work, dear. xx
Author's Response: wow - what a great review (I think it's the longest I've ever had :D) and a wonderful easter egg - thank you!
It was really good to hear you liked it and it's great to know bits that were particularly effective, even if slash is not usually your chosen genre - it's not mine either really because of my whole canon-obsessive thing but this appealed to me because of what JK has said in interviews and the canon aspect. - er yes, sorry that was a bit random. But anyway,
thanks for pointing out my mistakes - I'll go fix them in a minute.
Blood, Tears, and a Diamond by MerrryD
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary:
Charity Burbage never considered herself a strong or brave person. That is until she met Jack. Jack gave her fire and soul. He encouraged her to stand up for what she believed in. But when a tragedy strikes, Charity’s world is turned upside down. Should she take the easy way out or continue to fight for what’s right?
I am MerryD, proud Hufflepuff.
Date: 06/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: Blood, Tears, and a Diamond
Mere, I love this.
At first, I thought this story would’ve been better in first person. Just because you could’ve delved into her feelings further, and shown us more about what she was going through. However, by the end, I realised how perfect third person is for this, because in first PoV the inner monologue from Charity just wouldn’t have had the same effect, because it opens up a completely new pathway to the fic. Almost like a new perspective to view the story from, because we get the outside view, and then her struggle internally, as such. The monologue worked really well because the thoughts were kind of jumbled, confused, questioning... I like that in this bit you don’t tell us exactly why she is blaming herself for his death. That aspect of it made it feel even more like a series of thoughts, because she knows why she’s guilty, so obviously she wouldn’t explain it in her thoughts.
She had already cried so much, it was amazing that there was anything left to cry out.
This line really stood out to me, because I feel that it helps you get into the shoes of Charity a little more, as it is a situation that everybody can relate with.
A nit-pick I have is the amount you use the word ‘Charity’. Quite a few paragraphs and sentences began that way, and I found it a little repetitive – though I don’t like too much repetition in general, so... But, I think it would benefit your fic if you replaced a few more ‘Charity’s with ‘she’s, and/or rephrased some sentences so less begin with her name.
To round off, I’d like to comment on the beginning and end. The word ‘CRACK!’ as a first word very much struck me. Not so much because it’s capitalised and stands out anyway – because, honestly, I think it would work just as well in lowercase - but because it is very abrupt, sudden, and grabbed my attention immediately. It was a great way to catch the reader’s interest.
The ending, though. What captures me there is how simple it is. Kind of left open but final – I don’t think I can elaborate further than that. >.> And I could really imagine her just walking into the school and getting back into her routine./ random thought.
Anyway, great story, dear. –hugs-
Reluctant Love by cassie123
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: There were three things Lily Potter and Rose Weasley knew they had in common. They both shared their names with rather popular flowers, they had both inherited the Weasley red hair and freckles gene, and they both had fairly famous fathers.
But there was still one unfortunate similarity that Rose and Lily were ignorant to: they had both grown a strong interest in the enemy. And the fact that both Rose and Lily shared a common ‘enemy’ only increased the undesirability of the circumstance. Oh, and by ‘enemy’ they meant Scorpius Malfoy.
--
‘I don’t understand you, Malfoy.’
He smirked. ‘You don’t have to.’
Date: 08/26/08 Title: Chapter 2: Lily
Umm ... Rose and Lily aren't quite how I imagined them, but they're still cool. This fic intrigues me. I love Scorpius, though his actions are a bit confusing.
I look forward to reading Scorpius's chapter. What's running through his head? Who will he choose - Rose or Lily? Will he have either of them at all? Good story.
Author's Response: Well, I like the last question you asked :) Thanks for reviewing! ~ Cassie
Hold Onto Nothing by solemnlyswear_x
Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Summary: Sometimes, in the fall, when the leaves are changing from green to brown, you think you can remember your parents.
For Julia, growing up in a wizarding orphanage is always lonely, always sad, and never easy.
An entry by solemnlyswear_x to the Worlds within a World challenge.
Date: 08/12/08 Title: Chapter 1: Hold onto nothing, as fast as you can
I think the way you wrote this story from Julia's Pov worked really well, because it wasn't obviously from her - almost like somebody was watching. I'm not sure how to describe it, but the way you wrote it worked really well. I think you used the word "you" too much though. I think you did it like that on purpose but you have to be careful not to repeat a word too much - I know this as I do it all the time and have to go back and pick my brain for better wording.
It was quite sad in places - but then what do I expect? Julia's emotions have been captured excellently, and it's nice to know she was told the truth about her parents and got adopted. Excellent story overall :)
Author's Response: Thanks! I know what you mean about repeating words too much -- I'll go back and edit some of the "you"s when I have the chance. Thanks for the review! :)
Among The Flowers, Beneath The Stars by GringottsVault711
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: The summer before Rose Weasley's seventh year is not an enjoyable one. Trapped amidst a family she's sure would prefer the boy she's turned down to the one she's given her heart to, the only comfort she finds is in the memories of the last, beautiful week of term, and the knowledge that when the holidays are over, she'll be back in his arms - that is, if he hasn't changed his mind during the summer.
Date: 07/31/08 Title: Chapter 1: Among The Flowers, Beneath The Stars
I've never read a Rose/Scorpius fic before, but although it was kinda fluffy, I really liked it. I really liked the way you included the bit about Luna's family - I've never read a next generation fic with more than just Luna in it before.
Mr. Lovegood by tc015
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A boring day is turned into an interesting adventure when Fred and George lead their siblings in a play about their very interesting neighbor.
Date: 08/20/08 Title: Chapter 1: One Shot
I was intrigued by the summary of this story, and overall the story was funny. Everyone was in character (specially Ron!)
I felt you could've made it so much better though. Most of this is dialogue - with some more description (e.g, Ron's expressions) I think this could've been a much better fic. I hope that helps you. :)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I've never written Ron before, and I'm glad that he was in character. I'll try to put more description in the future. ~ Teresa
Rubia by luinrina
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Changes can be frightening, and Hagrid is more than just nervous about the change that is currently occurring in his life. Will he keep his nerves to stay strong? And, especially, what kind of change is he facing?
This is luinrina of Hufflepuff writing for the I Challenge Thee Challenge, answering the challenge MissyQuill left.
Date: 08/20/08 Title: Chapter 1: Rubia
So sweet! I love Hagrid, and I think you got him spot on, the way he got in a panic and all.
I think Hagrid and Madame Maxime are probably a bit old to have a baby (they must be about 70), but for the purpose of the story it works really well.
It flows a bit fast in places, but I don't think that matters too much. Great story. :)
Author's Response: Thank you.
Something Worth Fighting For by messrs_inc
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Eight year old Lily Potter, the spitting image of her mother, is brought up to know that family is important. She has been present at family reunions for as long as she can remember, and she absolutely loves her big family. One day she comes across a picture of a man she has never met before in a family photo album. Perplexed, she asks her father who the man is…
Date: 08/19/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
That was really good - especially for a first story. I think it's got a nice amount of emotion incorporated, and I think the bit about Harry forgiving Dumbledore was great!
I'm gonna be a bit nit-picky now. Sorry! If Lily is eight years old and both her brothers are in Hogwarts, that's not right, as in the epilogue of DH, it said she wouldn't be going for another 2 years, and Albus was leaving for the first time, which would make Lily 9 in the epilogue. Did that make sense? I might've missed something, but it seemed to me that you sent Al to school as well as James.
Fabulous story, though. It's not often you find a tribute story. :)
Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I don't mind you being nit-picky; in fact, I like it! I didn't mention anywhere that Albus was in Hogwarts yet, he's just not around when Lily talks to Harry. When writing this my intention was that James is in his first year here, but I didn't say that either, so you can take it to mean whatever you want! Thanks again for the review!