I knew that there was a new chapter here, but forced myself to save it until after finals. Now finals are over, and lo and behold, there are two new chapters! *squees*

The sinister beginning literally sent chills down my spine. You really did an amazing job of evoking a mood here; I was left with a feeling of horror, and even as Sam described the sun, I was waiting for the dark undertones to reappear. By beginning with the muggle perspective of Waverly, you gave us a very different glimpse of the world, and showed that there is a horror to this place which is not only to be found in the knowledge of what goes on there – even the muggles recognize that something is wrong. I was in a way reminded of To Kill a Mockingbird, where Scout describes the Radley house; it is a perspective of uninformed fear, but it is fear nonetheless.

A few grammatical nitpicks: “Many more miles from the little “Closed for Refurbishment” notice that marked the street entrance to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries…there stood a signpost.” I find the ellipses a little distracting here; it might be better replaced by a comma. “The terror of what may lie within was said to be so awful it could drive one to madness.” This should be “what might lie within” in order to make the tenses agree. Despite the tense problem, I think this is a great sentence – you really capture the villagers’ horror of the asylum. “…seen the raged face of an escaped madman…” Raged is a word, but do you mean ragged, or possibly enraged? “Nobody knew if the asylum existed–no one had seen it, and no one wished to.” I was somewhat confused by this, because you mention later that the townspeople look in the windows. I also found myself wondering how they know it is an asylum, as they are surprised to see people there – although this could be explained by the rumors passed down through generations.

Done with nitpicks. I always love going through your chapters and pointing out my favorite lines, because there are so many, and they are so good. I will refrain from quoting all I wish, and point out a few especial favorites. “Schoolchildren, awed with the power of the word, threw it at each other.” This is wonderful. Not only does it completely show the way in which the people of the town interact with the asylum, it’s completely in keeping with Rowling; she emphasizes the importance of names in people’s conception of things, as in the case of You-Know-Who. It’s just another instance of the power of words. “…only to tumble down the hill again, screaming at the sight of their own reflection in the cracked glass.” I loved this; it was a wonderfully depicted image, and at the same time, it really typifies all the villagers’ fears of this place; what they fear is merely their own imaginings, which they have connected to Waverly, rather than the actual place itself. They really have no idea of what is inside. Nevertheless, we are left with the sense that this is indeed something to be feared, even if they fear it for the wrong reasons. The specific connotations they have with Waverly – the scratching sounds and footprints – may not actually be important in the great scheme of the story (though again, they may), but the pervading feeling of fear remains even after the reader has discounted the specific instances to the brush between the muggle and magic worlds.

“Sun and wind and sweeping wishes weren’t for him.” Here, you completely wrap up Sam’s feelings of estrangement. You already showed the difference between the easy conversation of Sam’s siblings, the way in which they make light of the place they are in, and Sam’s silent observation. There is a stark contrast between Andrew with his fair skin, glowing brilliantly in the sun, and Sam’s darkness. (Funnily, though you have yet to describe to us what he looks like, I always imagine Sam as being dark.) In this line, you sum up the differences, and show that Sam believes himself to be estranged from all that his siblings stand for. He would get used to any idea put before him, and as quickly as possible. It was the only way. Agh! Sam! So much foreshadowing in this line. He will accept the things that are coming to him now, and it’s such a pathetic line – and yet, at the same time, we know that he’s going to have some very different ideas put before him in the future. Very sinister!

The log entries at the end are brilliant. Every single time, you manage to consolidate the chapter down into a few lines, and show the difference between the way Sam presents himself to the world and the way he sees the world himself. And the way he crossed out the last line, because it’s what he wants to present, and yet it’s too much of a falsehood, even for him. “I am happy here,” he can say – yet he can’t bear to say that he hopes his mother isn’t sad.

This is amazing. On to the next chapter!

Wow. I don’t usually read AU, but this story had me stunned. Your language and imagery is beautiful, the contrast between your long sentences and your short sentences, and the overall idea – it left me without anything to say, because you had already said it. You paint such a strong picture of “what might have been,” that we are left grieving for Peter, because he broke under the pressure to prove himself. I have always been an advocate for the character of Peter – not so much that I like him, but that I think he must have had a great many qualities that are ignored by the majority of fanfic writers; I doubt the other marauders would have spent time with someone so obviously dreadful as the character of Peter in most marauder stories. Peter, after all, was not placed into Gryffindor by a fluke, and you show us what would have happened had he used his Gryffindor courage to a different end.

And, with a lurch and a spin and a shout and a fleeting flash of light, the war fell to the ground and crumpled, once and for all, in a dark, man-shaped sprawl of inelegant limbs and robes, before a team of Aurors with the wind at their backs and shock on their faces. This is a beautiful sentence, full of wonderful language and words. I love the way you have personified the war, and melded it with the character of Voldemort – Voldemort is the war, and the war is Voldemort. Also, there is something very striking in the image of Voldemort sprawled out inelegantly on the ground – such a comparison from his boasts of immortality. The one thing that bothered me about this sentence is its length, but it’s so good I’d hate to trim it down. I went over it several times trying to figure out a good place to break, but it flows very well despite its length, though the many commas do slightly impede understanding in my opinion. If you did choose to cut it down, I’d take off the last clause (“before a team of Aurors…”); while this is another wonderful image, having it tacked on it at the end slightly takes away from the strength of the rest of the sentence.

The Saviour of the Wizarding World is exchanging wry, commiserating glances with the shabby, greying werewolf and the cutlery at the fifth place gleams, and the napkin is spotlessly white, and the seat itself is empty. This is another place that I think you could cut into two sentences; it seems to me that there are too many ands and commas. As this review probably will show you, I tend to use ands and commas rather rampantly myself – however, dragging sentences on for too long sometimes takes away from their strength. Here, I think you could end the sentence after “graying werewolf;” leaving the next part (“the cutlery at the fifth place…”) as its own sentence will emphasis the emptiness and the separateness of that one place.

Part three – the pretending not to notice, was beautifully done. She pretends not to notice that James has grown up. I don’t even know what to say about this part – you somehow caught the lingering sadness of change, even change for the better. They have all gained, but they have lost as well. You remind us that even the happy AU ending to the first war is bittersweet. Besides the ideas which you present, what really had me stunned about your story was your ability to say the most startling things, and completely change our perspectives, in such few words. The others are dead. That is their tragedy. Peter is not. That is his. How can I respond to such a powerful statement? The way you mix short, concise observations with long, drawn out imagery really creates a powerful sense of contrast, and draws our attention even more to the short sentences (even though I think some of the long sentences are slightly too long).

His untidy black hair falls over his forehead to cover a scar that has never been there and that now never will be. This sentence stopped me in my tracks for a moment, because it wrapped up the entire premise of your story, showing us the enormity of the difference Peter could have made. It’s very ironic – Peter wanted to be someone, he wanted to make a difference, he wanted to prove himself – and he could have, if only he had remained loyal. I never thought about it this way before, but it’s an oddly haunting thought. Peter was the greatest one of them all. And he could have been.

To start out with, I have to compliment your first sentence. He was back. There’s something about brevity which stands out, especially when followed (or preceded) by longer sentences, and you make good use of this, and return to it in the end. Overall, your structure is very nice – you both start and end with a single, concise statement; the beginning leads to the end, and they compliment eachother. Very nice!

I found a few errors, some with tense and some just typos. He took revenge ten years ago. I believe this should be “he had taken revenge,” because your story is written in the past, but this happened before the story begins; you used the right tense in the sentence before, but it should carry through. Similarly, “he met Voldemort with a fury Harry had never felt against anyone before,” should be “he had met…” Otherwise it sounds like he is meeting Voldemort while walking down the road, not reflecting on his meeting while walking down the road.

…and so the Death Eaters. I’m not sure exactly what you mean here. If you mean that half of the Death Eaters had been killed, you might want to say something along the lines of, “as had half of the Death Eaters.” Also, in the following sentences, you repeat the word ‘killed’ several times; you might want to vary it a bit; you could do this by adding some description instead of telling us straight out. Thus, instead of saying “Kingsley Shacklebolt, Charlie Weasley, Minerva McGonagall, Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom were among those who had been killed,” you could say, “The bodies of…lay motionless on the ground,” or something of the sort. Not only does it avoid the repetition of a single word, but it gives you some opportunity to show us what has happened, rather than tell us.

…laughing lowly and manic. ‘Manic’ should be the adverb ‘manically.’ Icing breeze probably should be “icy breeze.” Sad enough, her father had been killed… ‘Sad’ should be ‘sadly.’ That was what he had wanted to, right after The Battle. ‘To’ should be ‘too.’ It felt like freedom to him, to know he would never se those glasses again. ‘Se’ should be ‘see.’ That didn’t bother him at all, but there were a line. When people knock at the door… ‘Were’ should be ‘was,’ and ‘knock’ should be ‘knocked.’

These types of errors are really easy to make, because spell check doesn’t pick up on them, and when you’re reading over your own work, your eyes tend to fill in for you what you think you’ve written, not what is actually there. You might want to consider finding a beta to check over your work for you – I know I’d be lost without my own betas!

Ginny had knelt down beside him and stroke his hair. Ron and Hermione hadn’t said anything; they knew Harry good enough to understand his sorrow and yearning. “Stroke” should be “stroked,” since you are writing in the past, and “good” should be “well.” I like that you’ve shown that the Trio’s friendship can be manifested in silence, and the idea that Ron and Hermione can offer comfort merely through their presence.

You started summarizing at some point in the middle, listing the past events in an effort to give us the necessary information. While I understand the need to summarize, because you don’t have time to tell us in detail everything you need us to know – the point of the story is Harry’s reflection, not the actual winning of the war – it gets a bit dry. You could capture our interest a bit more by adding reflection throughout – let us know what Harry feels about these things. Is he bitter that he spent so much time working against Voldemort? Does he think that the death of his friends is justified by the ending of the war? Don’t just list facts – make them important. It’s understandable that you don’t want this part to drag on for too long, since you’re making a different point; you can leave out some stuff, such as the fact that Lupin taught Harry and his friends how to communicate using the Patronuses. While this would be good to know if you were telling the story of Harry’s defeat of Voldemort, it’s not really necessary for a story that focuses more on Harry’s reflection ten years later, and it merely adds to the listing of the facts.

All Harry wanted to do was to grow old with her. This is a very nice part, and I’d love to see you expand it a bit. We can sympathize a lot with Harry, who’s been through so much and now wants nothing more than a peaceful life with the woman he loves. This would be a perfect place to tie the past in with the future, and tell us why he has to look back before he can look forward. You return to this later when you talk about Harry’s need for Ginny to feel safe. This is a very realistic sentiment, and adds a nice touch to the story. Good job!

It’s interesting that Harry doesn’t trust anyone besides his old friends, now; interesting, but very feasible. He’s lost a lot of loved ones, and been hurt by a lot of people. It makes even more sense in light of what you share next – the publicity after the last battle. Again, though, I’d like to see this expanded on and tied into the idea of looking back. Why does staring down the empty road remind him of his inability to trust?

I find it a bit odd that Harry finds it strange that Ginny wants to name their daughter Lily. By sacrificing herself to save Harry, Lily was instrumental in winning the war – I would have thought he’d be honored by Ginny’s desire. Is he confused that she’s looking backwards, and if so, does his own day of reflection help him to see why? You could do a lot to tie this section in with the overall theme of looking back.

The ending was very nice, as you showed us what this short period of reflecting has done for Harry. He’s finally allowing himself to move on, to understand that things are not always going to be the way they were. My biggest criticism is that I’d like to see more tie ins to this theme throughout the rest of the story, but overall it was very nice. Good job!

Ashley, dear, I’m sorry to write this so late – I should have reviewed weeks ago, but here I am. I picked this story because I love reading stories about peripheral characters; the primary reason I read fanfiction is to see minor characters in new lights. Narcissa is one of those characters that often get dropped by the way, especially since we are given such a brief, stereotypical image in canon. You’ve done a great job of taking that brief image and expanding on it, creating a Narcissa whom we may not necessarily like, but definitely sympathize with.

What I find really fascinating in your story is the way you move through Narcissa’s different phases. In the beginning she openly questions her place in her society; upon being quelled by Bellatrix, she continues to think of it. However, she doesn’t bring up her questions directly when talking to Lucius – instead, she hints at the issue, and guesses at his answer. She has learned, though she doesn’t yet know it, the beginning of the pretense that is going to characterize the rest of the story. After that she’s shown at home, where the pretense is built in, as she smiles and dances for the party guests. It’s a lovely progression, and you do a great job of showing it.

My one criticism, besides a few nitpicks and grammar things, is that I’d like to see more of what Narcissa wants. She has an entire conversation with Lucius about fitting in to society and losing one’s soul, but I’d love to see what having a soul would mean to her. How is it that he’s already made me forget my own dreams? I’ve become a prisoner of my own household, Narcissa thinks. (Incidentally, because she’s thinking, that sequence should be in italics.) What were her dreams? I know you mention that she just wants the freedom to make her own choices, but all the same, I’d like to see her imagining what choices she might make, if she had the freedom to choose.

Okay, let me break from the substance for a moment to include a few nitpicks. Most importantly: be careful of your commas, tricky things. Most people use too many, but I think you err on the other side; I found myself adding them as I went along. “Oh Narcissa,” Mr. Malfoy said… Just about whenever someone is being addressed, you should have a comma before their name, whether it’s “Oh, Narcissa,” or “Look, Lucius,” or “Hi, Ashley.” Narcissa just nodded in submission letting Lucius lead her out onto the dance floor. When you have two separate clauses connected without a connecting word such as “and” or “but,” you’re probably going to need a comma. So it should be “…nodded in submission, letting…” and “stare out the window, imagining…” and the like. And finally: Lucius wasn’t stupid though. When you’re adding conjunctions on to the ends of sentences, they should be separated by a comma – it should be “Lucius wasn’t stupid, though.” Those three things cover most of the comma mistakes in the story, I think. /confusing attempt to make general corrections. *crosses fingers and hopes she hasn’t made any glaring errors in comma rules*

On the ungrammatical nitpickiness side, I was curious as to why Andromeda doesn’t appear in the story. I’d have liked to see how she fit into Narcissa’s pretend world – or maybe it’s just that Narcissa is busy pretending she doesn’t exist. And while I’m on the subject of the sisters, Bellatrix says, I like the way we live; we are powerful, and Father is really looking out for our best interests.” I found that fascinating, especially since it was Bellatrix who said it. I like that she's concerned with power (could you possibly do more to show this? Why does she want power? What does it mean to her? Why does she like that they are powerful, and what makes it worth giving up her freedom?), but her comment that Father was looking after their best interests surprised me - Bellatrix has always seemed like someone who would take her interests into her own hands, judging from her behavior at the Department of Mysteries and her status as perhaps the only female Death Eater. What makes her so confident in her Father? What is he offering in terms of power or other things that make her so willing to submit?

“…heaven knew she would never want to marry a half-blood or a Muggleborn. It was just that she wanted to know she could, just to have something in her life not dictated to her by her family or the Dark Lord.” This is great, and it does in a sense explain what she wants, but I think if you could give an example of how this desire manifests itself, it would do a lot to show us her motivations, rather than telling us, which in turn would make her an even more vivid character. On a side note, I love that you show her faults openly, instead of trying to portray her as a poor, innocent girl, miraculously free from her family’s prejudices.

Sometimes she could forget herself when caught up in playing Narcissa, but as she had speculated it was very lonely to be living in your own world. Lovely! I love the idea that she is “playing Narcissa,” trying out different styles and trying to coach herself into the right one. As I mentioned before, the progression really is great: She didn’t feel much of anything lately; she hoped this was a good sign, this numbing feeling. Perhaps she was losing her soul, or at least she could only hope. Someone (I forget who, at the moment) once said that you become the person you are pretending to be; you illustrate that very well here. So pathetic, that she considers the loss of feeling to be a necessary and good thing. I'm still a bit surprised by the idea that she actually wants to lose her soul, though – what happened to her rebellion from the beginning? Is it still lying dormant, or did Lucius convince her to give it up? Has she playacted for so long that it’s beginning to come true?

The Lucius/Narcissa interaction got more and more interesting as the story progressed, and I particularly loved the end sequence. “You think that you’ve been put in a cage, when you really have just been…you’ve been…led,” Lucius says, and I can see him imitating the argument that the purebloods must have used for years to justify their actions. Taking that a step further, …Lucius reflecting on whether he had been completely honest, and whether or not it mattered. I absolutely love this, as Lucius is honest to himself about his priorities. It doesn’t really matter to him whether or not he was honest, as long as he convinces her that her only choice is to keep pretending. He needs her to keep pretending because he needs to keep pretending, because that’s the only way he can see to preserving their society, which is built completely on pretense. That idea leads perfectly into my favorite line in the entire story: “Just as long as we can always pretend to be happy together.” They think that in order to be happy they have to maintain their society the way it is, and in order to maintain their society the way it is, they have to pretend to be happy. Lovely circularism here.

The more I think about, the more I like this story – now I want to take a shot at writing Narcissa! It’s the measure of a good story, I think, that it makes you think enough about the characters that you want to try writing them yourself. Great job, spew buddy!


Author's Response: Thank you so much for the lengthy and quality review. This is definately the most challenging review I\'ve ever gotten and I am so glad for it because that really is the point of reviews. I surely can\'t address all your questions here but we will chat over IM and talk it over. Thank for the review dear!

I ran across this one-shot completely by accident, and really enjoyed it, though I had been looking for something a bit angstier (I wanted to wallow a bit, but this cheered me up quite nicely). You write the perspective of a hat very well (do you have any experience?), and provide a convincing and consistent point of view, that kept me interested even as the subject matter wandered around.

I loved the history the hat provides, and found his accounts of the ways in which he sorts fascinates. I’ve never seen the problem addressed so directly in a story before, and it’s something I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about in my attempt to sort various OCs. Rowling gives us tantalizing hints at the process, but she never explains it in full, and your explanation seems quite feasible. I very much enjoyed the hat’s description of the founders fighting over the students – very well done, and perfectly believable.

There were a couple of great one liners that had me laughing out loud; “Well, after more than a millennium in the same job, you're bound to repeat yourself occasionally, aren't you?” and “I really am a very remarkable magical object, and I can say without undue modesty that Hogwarts is lucky to have me,” were my favorites, but there were gems sprinkled throughout the entire thing. I am rather deficient in writing humor (and writing concisely), and really appreciate your ability to sum up a funny situation in a single line.

The twist at the end was very well done as well. I had guessed that the student was Ron, and was glad to see him getting the credit that is so often attributed to Harry alone. I liked the mention of his insecurities as well. The description of Percy came as a complete surprise – my first thought had been Harry, quickly replaced by Tom Riddle, as I imagine you had planned. A lovely glance into the character of both Percy and the hat itself.


Author's Response: Thank you very much! I remember working out a ‘sorting theory’ when posting on some thread in which it was being discussed -- when I started thinking about the possibilities of the Hat saying Percy would have fit anywhere, I put the two together to make a fic out of it. It did wander around a bit, admittedly, although I tried to keep it reasonably focused by having it be a sort of \'conversation\', even if you only hear one side of it. And you were indeed meant to think it might be Tom Riddle. Not that I think Percy is in any way as bad as Tom. :)

Originally the idea was that it was just a random student under there and the Hat chose to talk about Percy because it had been thinking about him, but I made it Ron because that didn\'t work very well, and I was fed up with seeing him bashed! I\'m glad I did, I think it made a lot more sense that way.

One of my favorite things about reading fanfiction is stumbling through the waves of mediocre stories and suddenly coming across a gem. I knew from the first sentence that this story was going to be special, and I wasn’t at disappointed. “This is her world, and these are her rules, and they’ve never, ever been compromised.” The sentence itself is uncompromising – straight and direct and to the point; you illustrate your meaning with your words. In the first sentence you manage both to interest the reader and to set the tone for the entire story.

You have the ability to make simple, important statements that are all the more powerful because they’re understated. “No, she says, and doesn’t finish her sentence. I’m doubting you.” Instead using a lot of words to describe her feelings about her husband and his affairs, you’ve shown us exactly what they are in a scene that is much more emotional (and interesting) than the narrative could have been.

I absolutely love your writing style; your imagery, your word choice, and especially the way you show us what’s going on through very concise and evocative scenes. My one general critique (other than a few nitpicks) is your comma usage. Commas are, of course, a matter of opinion and are subject to debate, but I think your story would have even more flow if you could crop a few of them out. Some of your paragraphs flowed perfectly, while in others I found myself being halted by too many commas. The stream-of-consciousness style in which you are writing naturally lends itself to long sentences of many clauses, and as a writer you want to be clear – it’s a natural tendency to put in commas between every clause. But when you have long sentence after long sentence, the commas in combination can be a bit much.

“But that goes against her edicts, it goes against everything she’s ever pretended to believe, and every hidden belief she’s ever sheltered from them. Without her rules, she has nothing to blame but herself, and her rules take away the fault. They give her a scapegoat, a safety net, insurance that when the gates of hell try to receive her, she’ll be able to point the finger.”

Every sentence in that paragraph is good by itself, but altogether the effect is stilted; there are too many pauses for it to be able to flow. Try looking to see where you can pull out unnecessary commas; the fewer pauses you have, the more effective they’ll be. In the second sentence, for example, if you only used the first part, “without her rules, she has nothing to blame but herself,” the first comma would be fine. However, when you add another clause on the end, you no longer need the first comma. “Without her rules she has nothing to blame but herself, and her rules take away the fault.”

This is the tiniest of critiques, but: “She has a bad feeling that it’ll get her killed as well.” The phrase “a bad feeling” felt somehow out of place, a colloquial phrase caught in the middle of grander and more dissociated language. Once again, though, this is just a matter of opinion.

To move away from technical matters, you’ve done a wonderful job with the characters – and that’s what makes me like this story so much, even apart from your writing style. You’ve kept Narcissa totally in character – she’s still cold, and reserved, and judgmental, and firmly entrenched in her own world – but you’ve also made her real, and pitiable, and interesting. To do that to a character like Narcissa takes real talent, and I can’t wait to read more of your stories!

I was searching for something to review, and originally skimmed right past this because it’s Draco/Ginny, a pairing which has never interested me at all. I decided to risk it because I wanted to review for a spewer I’d never reviewed for before, and was quite pleasantly surprised. I actually don’t think I’ve ever read a Draco/Ginny fic before, so I guess my prejudice was completely blind – and I’ll give you credit for helping me get rid of it.
To start with, I really like what you’ve done with Ginny. “She wondered what kind of freedom she could have if she swapped places with one of her brothers, just for a day.” She obviously feels that she’s being limited and restricted by her family and her position. I wonder how much she really is being restricted, or if it is only in her own perception. Either way, it makes a lovely introduction for Draco/Ginny, as I imagine that a romance between them – or really, any sort of friendly interaction – will be in some sense rebellious.

You clearly tell us about Ginny’s need for freedom several paragraphs in, but you show it to us from the very beginning. Ginny’s very obvious enjoyment of the peace around her demonstrates that it’s not something she finds in other settings. The transition at the beginning of the third paragraph – “then she thought” – is very abrupt, but in a good way. It shows a definite progression; Ginny has taken the time to come out to this peaceful place, and given herself a time to relax and be free – only after that does she allow herself to start thinking.

My one qualm with the beginning (primarily the first two paragraphs) was with the syntax. When I went back and looked at the first two paragraphs closely, counting the number of times you used certain structures in a row, it didn’t seem like it was hugely repetitive. Despite this, while I was actually reading it, it seemed a bit heavy and lacking in motion. This completely disappeared after the first two paragraphs, so I think the problem was due to the description of scenery. In normal narration, where you’re describing actions, if you tend to use a specific structure a bit too much it’s likely no one will notice because they’re caught up in what’s going on. However, when you’re spending a paragraph or more describing a specific thing, whether it’s an object or a view, there’s less for the reader to pay attention to. If you aren’t very careful to vary the sentence structure it degenerates into a list. I doubt that I would have had a problem with the syntax of the first two paragraphs if you had been describing actions or thoughts, but as it was I felt a bit overloaded with sensory information. This is something which could easily be fixed by varying the structure of a few (not all) of your sentences – you have a lot of sentences which begin with, “the [subject] [verb].” I hope that makes sense – I think I’m going into ‘English-major’ mode, but it’s only because I think you’re a good enough writer to be able to pay attention to these things.

“She had learned through experience that, especially in the wizarding world, trust shouldn’t be handed out without consideration of the consequence.” I love this sentence in relation to Ginny’s experiences with Tom Riddle – you give us the feeling that she’s really grown up. It’s a little sad, really, when you think about Ginny in her first year, so eager and so inclined to hero-worship (of both Harry and Tom). I would quibble with the middle of the sentence, though. I don’t know why this stuck out to me, but it seemed odd that her experience would be especially true in the wizarding world. Trust is an issue which comes into play in both wizarding and muggle society, but even aside from that, I doubt that Ginny would be comparing trust in the wizarding world to trust in the muggle world – as a pureblood, it probably would never even occur to her.

“The mud squelched underfoot as Ginny made her way along the worn path through the forest behind The Burrow.” Should ‘the’ really be capitalized?



The chapter definitely got stronger as it went on. Ginny’s trepidation as she approaches the unknown person – it ought to be cliché, but it’s really not, and I can’t wait to see what Draco’s doing in the forest. As I mentioned, I never thought I’d like a Draco/Ginny story, but I’m interested despite myself – on to the next chapter!


Author's Response: *bows* Thank you for the marvelous review! I can\'t wait to go back and find the bits you suggested changing. I\'m completely grateful for all of your suggestions! You have such useful advice. Thank you again! I can\'t wait to read the next one.

I generally avoid the humor section, but this is the second time I’ve found myself laughing out loud over one of your stories. You’ve caught the voice of the typical business-journalist perfectly. The movement between “you” and “I,” the adjective-filled narrative, the quick background for readers who aren’t familiar with the story – it practically screams “newspaper interview.” Which, of course, is what makes it so funny. The fact that this interview could actually be found in a newspaper or magazine displays the pure genius of Fred and George; I bet they really could have pulled this off without anyone noticing. What makes this story so good – and so hilarious – is the fact that the joke is on the narrator. Everyone reading the story knows that the marvels are due to magic, while the narrator prattles along happily about Santa’s elves and spectroscopic techniques.

The twins are wonderfully in character as well; you’ve avoided the clichés too often associated with twin behavior, and instead provided an interaction between them that could have come straight from canon. I loved the switched identities in the beginning, especially since you did not have them refer to each other as Gred and Forge, which was funny in canon but tends to be overused in fanfiction. Your list of products is both creative and amusing – Marching Minions and Sharp Cards! – as is their ingenious way of preventing people from looking at the insides of their products.

Tracey, and her Muggle outlook, added a very nice touch to the end of the story; I was intrigued by her mention of having become involved with George through one of the episodes where the twins had trouble with the boundaries. I’d love to see you write this scene, by the way. All in all, it was a very amusing one shot (I wanted to give some useful concrit, but I really didn’t see anything to which I could propose an improvement), and I’m definitely going to keep reading through your stuff.


Author's Response: Thank you! I did try to make it sound like a real newspaper/magazine article, and it was a lot of fun writing the twins saying things that were perfectly true as if they were jokes. I think George was crossing boundaries by merely becoming seriously involved with \'Tracey\' -- you\'d imagine it would be really awkward trying to explain to a SO that their partner was a wizard. Glad the product lines worked -- thinking of things like that is always rather a pain. :)

It’s terribly ironic, Mar, that I both wrote and received a Percy story for my SSSSS, and yet I couldn’t be more pleased. I have suddenly more interest in Percy than I’ve ever had, and now I want to figure him out. I had been thinking a lot about him after writing my own story, and I loved the way your story made me think about him.

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but the first thing that struck me was the similarity between Percy and Sarah. Though he was head boy and she’s next thing to a squib, they both know what they want and will work however hard they have to in order to get it. I love the attraction between them as they recognize and admire this quality in each other. And I absolutely love the idea of Sarah, the almost-squib, powering her way through Hogwarts by sheer force of will. My favorite fanfiction stories tend to deal with characters on the fringes of canon who might not fit into the world in a normal way, and Sarah is perfect.

‘“I’m an opportunist.” “You’re also paying,” she said as she sat down.’ This exchange really typified what this story is about. Two opportunists interacting and falling for each other, and you managed to catch it in a two line piece of dialogue. Percy’s arrogance somehow manages to be appealing, and I admire you greatly for being able to do that – it’s one of the things that most puts me off about writing him, simply because I don’t know how to deal with it.

This is a very small thing, but I really, really liked the little concessions to the wizarding world that you slipped in; without making a big deal of them, you managed to make the story seem right at home in the middle of Rowling’s world. The Collective Conversation Catcher was my favorite – I could totally see that appearing in one of the books.

As I told you, I really wasn’t expecting a Percy story because I didn’t think anyone would want to write him. To see Percy with a squib was far beyond my expectations. The entire idea fascinates me, because Percy has tried so hard to make a position for himself in society, and has rejected his family because they don’t function the way he wants in the society he wants. To become paired with a squib means compromising all his self-imposed rules, and going against the society he values so much. It’s a fascinating idea, and Sarah was the perfect match for him! Thank you again for this beautiful story!

I realized, after I finished my other review, that I had done one of your older stories, and thought it only fair to do something newer as well. I could tell within the first two paragraphs how much you’ve improved as a writer over the months in between. Your writing is clearer, it flows better, and is altogether more fun to read. That being said, this review is going to be much more critical than the last one, because I know you can handle it, and the better a story is, the more critical and nitpicky I get. Also, last time I looked at broader themes, so now it’s time for language. So rest assured that I really enjoyed your story, and prepare for nitpicks. ;)

To start with – the lovely and well-established literary device of Potions class partners. I can’t remember a single case of partnering up in Potions in canon, and yet somehow in fanfiction, Potions class always happens in pairs. It’s just too good a chance to pass up, I suppose, because it’s the perfect place to get people who wouldn’t otherwise interact to interact. You do it, I do it, everyone does it! Yay for Potions class! It’s funny, it’s one of the few non-canon clichés that really doesn’t bother me at all.


The assignment was to make Veritaserum. This feels like a very abrupt, choppy sentence - can you find a way to work it more smoothly into one of the sentences around it, or put some other information into the sentence? When you put in a short sentence solely for the sake of getting across a necessary piece of information, it often disrupts the story's flow. If you have to give boring details (and sometimes you have to), make them as exciting as possibly by sandwiching them among other important details. You do this very well in the first paragraph, where you have a nice balance between sensory details and scene setting. It's the same principle as describing characters or sensory information. Instead of saying "his eyes were green," refer to "his green eyes." Instead of saying, "The assignment was to make Veritaserum," see if you can work in a reference to Veritaserum, or put other detail in that sentence to distract the reader from the fact that you're feeding them necessary information. (That was a very long rant for a very short sentence – sorry! I like to explain why I think you should do things, rather than just saying that I think you should do them, and I’m not very good at being concise.)

He wasn’t one to point this out to the professor and get mauled by the students after class. Most characters would just say, "he wasn't one to point this out to the professor," implying that they don't want to be teacher's pets, or that they don't want more work. You totally change the focus by adding the next part, "and get mauled by the students after class," which implies that the reason he doesn't point it out is not fear of either of those, but instead fear of the other students. Wonderful example of subtly conveying character information.

Remus had always been very perceptive -- human emotions seemed easily translatable.Is this really necessary? You're telling us about Remus, but I think that he can speak for himself. When he asks Lily, it will be obvious that he is perceptive, and you'll avoid unnecessary clutter in your dialogue scene. You do a very good job of showing us Remus' personality here, so don't tell us as well. Later: However Remus wasn’t like most teenagers. (You need a comma after however.) Here as well, I'm not sure how much of this paragraph you need. Don't waste space reiterating too much of what your readers have already figured out. Make your readers pay attention to figure out what Remus is like, don’t just tell them.

He felt like he had just taken an arrow in the chest.This seems like a very random metaphor, unless he's been reading a lot of Robin Hood lately. Metaphors that fit a person's situation usually fit the story better, and are also less likely to be accused of being overly dramatic. How about "a bludger to the chest?"


Severus was just another person, and he really hadn’t done anything as horrendous to deserve what Sirius and James usually dished out. Should be: “anything horrendous enough.”

Something inside him had always instinctively told him to always despise Severus, but reflecting on this feeling it now seemed unfounded. You don’t need the second always. This feels more like Sirius and James, though perhaps Remus is just better at hiding it. At the same time, would Remus really have been as bothered by his friends' taunts and his own passive watching if he had an instinctive dislike of Severus? He does tell Harry in the sixth book that he does not dislike Severus.

“Why is it so important?” he asked her. This felt out of place to me. He had his realization earlier, and had a very extreme reaction to it - picturing all sorts of images, feeling deadly sick, ect - and then he turns around and asks why it's important? Lily's reaction bothered me a bit as well. It's not important because he's a person they ought to treat humanely, but because they'll need him some day? There's nothing wrong with her sentiments, but I think they need to be reprioritized. Perhaps you could start with the "doesn't everyone deserve a chance?" and then have her add, "besides, I think we're going to need him one day. I want him..."

… he and Lily walked back the Gryffindor tower and going to their respectable beds… “Going” should be “went.”

I really like your Snape – you have some great characterization moments. “It was a setup of some kind,” for example. Poor Snape, always jumping immediately to the worst conclusion. I was a little unsure of some of the moments in the first Hospital Wing scene, though. “One act of kindness hardly makes you my friend,” was pure Snape, but in the rest of it, I felt like he could have been a bit less ready to accept kindness. The one sentence that stuck out particularly was, “Why did you stop James from destroying me?” First of all, James should probably be Potter. But also, I’m not sure if Snape would admit to the fact that Remus saved him, or that James could have destroyed him. I imagine he'd be more vocal about his own abilities to protect himself, even if both he and Remus knew he couldn’t. After all, you saw him in his worst memory scene, when it was four to one without a chance to protect himself, and he refused to accept Lily’s help.

After all he spent too many late nights with the “Slug Club” eating crystallized pineapple and the occasional firewhiskey came up in the stories. You need a comma after “after all.” Also, “came up in the stories” doesn’t make sense in the context of the sentence.



Remus knew that James would not leave humiliated today but to hurt everyone else to gain glory, Remus knew it just wasn’t right. I got a bit lost in here. Do you mean “would not leave humiliated today, but would instead hurt everyone else to gain glory for himself?” Is James really out looking for glory in this case, or is he merely trying to save himself from embarrassment?

Beware of the ellipses – don’t let them take over in the end! Ellipses are like that, I’m afraid – you let one in and suddenly you have paragraphs full of them. I spent about twenty minutes the other day just removing ellipses from chapter eight of my story. ;)

So now that I’ve completely overwhelmed you with random pickiness…>.> Sorry. I really enjoyed seeing Remus and Snape interact, and as I already mentioned at least twice, I really like what you did with Snape. Ever since the scene in OotP, I’ve been fascinated by the relationship between the two of them, and I love the way you somehow managed to stick Lily into the middle of it. You have some great ideas in here; friendship and forgiveness being two of my favorite themes, which unfortunately are not dealt with in fiction nearly as much as romance and revenge. (Note my alliteration! Purely accidental.) And I like that Remus and Severus don’t magically become friends, that Remus’ step doesn’t fix everything, and yet that they can still reach a resolution in the end. I’d go on for a long time in this vein, but this review is already waaay out of control, so I’ll just thank you for the enjoyable story!


Author's Response: Wow, I am again amazed at your thorough review. Thank you so much, I definately will talk to you about this one too. We\'ll have a little chat. You are definately amazing.