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Harry Potter and the Untitled Book by InCompanyofFaeries
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: There have been a few alterations to the plot summary as I've been writing.
So, this is the basics of the new one:
Meredith Bradbury, a previously home-studied witch with a mysterious and tragic past, arrives at Hogwarts during theTrio's seventh and final year.
Things take turns for the worst, the best, the hopeless, and, of course, the unexpected.
Full of fluff, but a bit dark at times. --- Chapter 7 in process!!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW and you will forever make me happy =)
Date: 02/07/10 Title: Chapter 1: Dawn
This sounds interesting. You have a few errours here and there with punctuation, but that is slight in most cases. You've grabbrf my attention with the prologue.
Author's Response: Thank you! And yes, I am working to correct the punctuation errors...finally got myself a Beta! I hope you like the rest of it! I'm still fine-tuning everything, but I think I have things figured out now. :)
A Little More Time by Pallas
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary: Was it possible to save two lives in the past without altering history? Was it possible to give his parents a future twenty years after they had supposedly died? Teddy Lupin thought so...
Date: 08/16/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue: Watching
Seriously, you have a talent for writing that is rarely seen on any forum. Which includes me, no doubt. Even as practice, you have struck the mark with an uncanny accuracy. Your despriction just carries...it carries any reader through the pages. Such detail to accuracy. If you ever considered ligting a pen for original pieces (not just fiction), you have a skill here. Usually a piece tends to wan after a while, but not yours. I'm sorry this is like a year overdue, but I search for something interesting before I commit myself to reading it. But I'll get back to reading this piece pretty quickly. Seriously, Pallas, you have a talent here. Don't let it fade.
Love Keeps Us Together (Sometimes Apart) by DontCallMeNymphadora
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Ok, so I really really want to apologize to everyone that has read this and wanted more. I just... I got to a point of writer's block, big time... and I got lazy. I'm really really sorry about that. And, I wish I could add to this, but I just... I don't really have other ideas. I'm terrible at writing chapter work. I can never seem to finish it. So, I know it left off awkwardly, but odds are, it's gonna stay that way, at least for a very long while. I'm very sorry. And, heads up, I completely beyond appreciate everyone that has read and reviewed this. I saw the read count being over 22,000 today, and I was just like WOW. I never ever imagined that would happen!!! Anyways, this is pretty much the end of the story indefinitely, at least for now.
Date: 08/01/09 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6: A Morning Mishap
I like parts of the story, but you have grammatical errors that are starting to be quite obvious. Your word choice is limited, but that is part of the learning process. When in doubt or curious, use a thesaurus to find other words because they can help expand your vocabulary. Remus seems a bit out of character with the repitition, but this is your version. Sorry if I sound nit - picky. It's just I;m studying English at the moment and I pick up on these things quickly.
Author's Response: Thank you. I'll be sure to go through and check these when I have time. I'm only fourteen, so I'm obviously still learning... and still making several mistakes. Heehee.
Date: 08/01/09 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 9: Desperation and Suspicion
All right, you said that you prefer constructive criticisms. One thing I would point out that I like is how you've put humor into Kingsley's character. The grammar mistakes are still here. Commas and other punctuation are your problems. (As a hint, there is no period at the end of your last sentence.) I have never heard any English friend say "hun". This needs revision. You have something here; it just needs to be re-worked.
Author's Response: Thanks for the help and your compliments. I'll have to make sure I go and edit these thangs later. :)
The Muggle Muggle Studies Teacher by TheSmirkingDragon
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: After being hooked up with a job teaching at Hogwarts by her little sister, Muggle Chastity Fagman is the first Muggle Muggle Studies teacher Hogwarts has ever seen. But after the Headmaster slips about her strictly non-magical status, all of her students know that she can't do anything magical. What will happen in her first class?
This story contains some language not suitable for younger readers and crude humor. Maybe.
Date: 05/18/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Selina,
It’s interesting you take this angle that this woman would be the first Muggle to teach this course; in the back of my mind, I can’t help thinking this would be quite obvious, but perhaps I am wrong; we have no evidence, for instance, that Charity Burbage was not herself a Muggle. It seems reasonable, you know, to get the full effect and reach an understanding with the students, all Muggle Studies teachers should reach that qualification and have such a perspective. How else would that actually learn this lifestyle from a perspective of someone who had lived among the wizards and gotten the full experience? That’s just something you should think about.
You mention that you don’t think you are humorous. Well, from what I’ve learned in writing classes, it is a skill that should never be forced because readers will see you try too hard to make a connection; taking small jabs are all right, and you’ve done that with the crack at ‘Wisebuttocks’. You have a few errors and odd word choice here and there, but you can clean that up later, if you wish along the way. Perhaps you ought to read the piece aloud and hear whatever you’ve written. We all make mistakes. The clean up process doesn’t have to end with a submission.
“Non-Magical Studies’ is too long? Like Defense Againist the Dark Arts? It’s a few extra syllables. All right. Take this sentence:
I remember Megan. Acted normal in class, and insane everywhere else.
You might be striking at a voice for a character, and that’s a good think to practice as a writer, but I must admit this is a little odd. Not only to do have a comma splice, but this really doesn’t come off as natural dialogue to my ear. It may just be me, so you might want to ignore this, but this doesn’t come off to me as sounding like Neville. The period here breaks the sentence … the comma isn’t needed as that’s a fragment, dear. As I say, I understand you are trying to make a character heard, but it’s just not carrying over that way. Especially since this comes from a Professor, even if you are discussing matters among colleagues, t sounds a little off. You might want to consider that.
The number ‘fifteen’ should be spelled out. You’ve created a characterization with this woman; she really does not sound as though she’s pleased with the post, is she? I really feel as though you should have set the scene for the class session, seeing as this was the pivotal point of the story. It seems a little rushed, honestly, and you might want to delve into this a bit more because there is not much else than a surface reaction from the Professor; the last line is impressive. You really have something here. You might just want to clean this up and add a bit more.
I hope this helps. The story’s an interesting spin.
Kuri
Not As We by Mecha Springs
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: On that fated night of the death of the greatest Headmaster Hogwarts ever knew, the world Nymphadora Tonks knows is wrenched away from her. When a harmless prank goes horribly wrong, can a group of familiar faces help her piece everything back together? A canon-compliant time-travel fic.
Date: 08/03/09 Title: Chapter 3: Lying, Crying, Dying Children
You know, for fanfiction, I don't expect much from many authors. I've got say this is reallly REALLY interesting. The plot is interesting and the characterization rings through the pages. I'm pleasantly surprised here. Keep it going.
Apparently Asleep by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Nymphadora Tonks lives under a shadow. Both her cousin and her aunt are in Azkaban believed to be in league with Voldemort. She knows Bellatrix deserves to be there- but Sirius?
Remus Lupin is an outsider. He’d once had three good friends- now two are dead and the third has been locked up for murder and betrayal.
They had met once before, when she was a child, but as Tonks grows up they find themselves thrown together- far too closely for Remus’ comfort. He’s always yearned for a normal life but knows that is impossible. Can Tonks convince him that he deserves happiness?
Nominated for a 2009 QSQ award in the Best canon Romance category. Thank you.
Date: 07/27/09 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2- More of a Miss than a Kiss
I really, really like this story. The way you've nailed the characterization is done well. I like how you put darkness in simple events. Well done. Totally staying up all night to read this one.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I hope you didn't lose too much sleep.
Date: 11/28/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1- Cool!
Carole,
First off, I’d like to start off with a confession: I did not read this entire piece, so I’ve decided to “blanket it” in flashes. I usually don’t read these things, especially not piece by piece, or when they get too fluffy romantic. This, people, (not that you’re a people ), is why JKR is a writer and not a shitty imitator of “emotional romantic babble” like the pitiful excuse for American YAL, Twilight. I won’t take you on a rant here, so just don’t read it if you have any appreciation for literary value. I hope JKR laughed when the critics announced her as the contemporary match. Anyway, I said all that to say this: You have writing technique because you avoided this as well. Thank you.
A few pieces stick out in my mind about this piece, so I think it can actually be a believable niche to the story: the first meeting with Sirius, the encounter in Romania, the Charlie/Tonks speculation, and the majority of this chapter. I love that you threw a moment of doubt in about the Map because it shows that Remus has rationale. He doubted himself, but he made an almost instant correction. Reason and rationale…that’s his thing, and he thrives on it. Of all of the people in her storyline, I think that Remus would question the hell out of religion, and he would be more comfortable with the concept of death. He sees error. I think you showed that beautifully in the Romanian scene. Yes, he realizes that everything he does is dangerous, so Tonks’s injury is not overplayed with whiney details.
I may anger you saying this, but I’m throwing this is here for the hell of it. I know this is your piece, your interpretation, so that’s all good. I tend to discuss the actual literature weaved in through interpretation as well (ask Kerichi*), so bear with me. An “analysis” depends on interpretation. I think the whole Remus/Tonks relationship thing is a poor excuse on JKR’s part for a quickened “parallel subplot” in HBP. Seriously, why did that come way out of left field? Way, way out there. Seriously, I glanced over that in HBP and at DH I really thought she killed Remus’s rationale as a character; that’s when I stopped reading, The whole time I read through the whole Remus/Harry confrontation thing I thought, “Really? Really? No, Jo, get back on track, he’s reasonable, come on!” In my mind , she killed him off way before she actually stated it. I know you seem to be a huge Remus/Tonks shipper person, but I really thought she was just an idiot. Besides the pink hair defy authority Tonks should have been abandoned in a draft…but I digress. But, Carole, if you ever speculate on a Tonks/Charlie thing, I’m so there!
A few other things: the whole James line, “Mr Prongs wonders where Mr Moony has been all these years,” had me nodding my head. I hear that. In a few quirky words, I think you hit Mr. Prongs’s characterization on the head. Kudos. What a perfect delivery. And the meeting with Dumbledore about the resignation proposal, for this had me thinking this seriously went down this way in his office. I love that he stands up for him time and time again. Not because it’s expected, not even because he sees it as a powerful move, but because it’s the right thing to do. Dumbledore’s humble compliments are extraordinary. And when Remus thanks Severus after everything that’s happened? Right on.
Seriously, though, Carole, this whole Tonks/Charlie, Black/Weasley thing? *winks* There’s something there, yeah? All right, so keep up the work when you get a chance. I hope this whole “textbook review” doesn’t bother you. Let me know your views. Well done. I’m out of words.
- Okiblossom
Author's Response: First of all thank you so much for such an indepth and constructive reveiw. It was a joy to read, plus you've made me think about characterisation and the like. I'm particularly pleased that you didn't find it fluffy - I don't really like fluff myself, so have tried to avoid it.
Hmm, Remus and Tonks. We're at two ends of the spectrum here. I must say that as soon as Tonks entered the books, I knew she'd end up with Remus. Don't ask me how - I mean I'm no Trelawney, and I didn't get a sneaky peak at JK's next manuscript, but to me they just fitted. Tonks is my favourite character in the books and their relationship is close to being my OTP (Lavender/Blaise is kinda edging it at the moment) because I like the very 'adultness' of them. I love Tonks because she's earthy, honest and funny,but I dislike the fact that we see so little of her and Remus' relationship in the books. This is my attempt at redressing the balance and giving them some back story.
Ahh, Charlie/Tonks. I do like them as a pair, but again I'm a canon-bound girl so it wouldnt happen for me.
Anyway, thank you again for the review, and I wasn't at all angered. The fact that you're not a Remus/Tonks fan has made the review more worthwhile. ~Carole~
The Truth Behind the Hatred by mudbloodproud
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Severus Snape always hated Neville Longbottom. He treated him as bad if not worse than he treated Harry Potter.
Neville Longbottom has been teaching at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for fifteen years. Over the course of time, he has come in contact with the portrait of Severus Snape in the Headmistress’ office on several occasions.
It seemed dying had not lessened Snape’s hatred of Neville at all. What happens one day when Neville is asked to come to the Headmistress’ office and alone in the office, confronts Snape over his treatment of him? Will Neville finally learn the truth?
Date: 07/27/09 Title: Chapter 1: The Truth Uncovered
Terri, i love how you put sadistic personalities into characteristics. They give such clever anwers. It seemed like a long stretch, but I like how you connected the dots. Neville's got a backbone. Very interesting. Yes!
I Am Alive by the opaleye
Rated: 1st-2nd Years • Summary: After his conversation with Dumbledore at King's Cross, Harry wakes and reflects on life and what it means.
2009 Quicksilver Quill Award Winner for Best Poetry!
Date: 04/10/10 Title: Chapter 1: I am alive
Oh Julia,
I am not into poetry as you well know, so I'm steppping out of my comfort zone here: I try neither to read nor write it. I hate it because it's usually just a spill of works.
You have a style and a flow to the poetry that you usually don't see with inexperienced authors in the brig. It follows a rhythm and sticks to it. You know we'll discuss this further.
The repetition of the phrase 'I am alive woven in after every stanza is simply well done. Okay, well, if you want want my true opinion, it's a bit oerdone, but the adjectives show you have skill, and you're not simply attacking fluff along the way.
Are these passages randomly picked out, for they seem to follow along with the book, but I'm not exactly comparing text-to-poem and have no book in front of me. I'll discuss this futher.
My one nit pick here is these final two lines: the reoetition does not workk here as much as it did the other times. Perhaps just saying "Yes, I am Alive" would have left a stronger impression.
Well done.
Kuri
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, Kuri! The reason the 'I Am Alive' is repeated is because I wanted it to feel like a heartbeat. The passages weren't randomly picked out - they do follow along with the book. I had inspiration for the poem as I was reading that chapter so, naturally, I did want it to follow that order. As for the final lines, I wanted it to be more of an affirmation of life for Harry so that is why I did repeat it. I like to read my poetry allowed as I write and that sounded more final rather than just ending with one line. But thanks so much for the feedback! Especially since you were stepping out of your comfort zone :)
Julia XD
Staring into the Fire by Equinox Chick
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: When Harry broke into Dolores Umbridge's office to demand answers from Sirius and Remus, he little knew this would be the last proper conversation he would have with his godfather.
But what of the two that were left staring into the fire?
For Moony and Padfoot, it is a chance to re-live old times -- a chance to answer those questions long put aside.
This is Equinox Chick of Hufflepuff and this is my entry for the Bookbasilisk Summer Challenge - Gift of the Gab.
Many thanks to Afifa and MorganRay for beta'ing this story. I would also like to thank Miss K for some constructive comments she made about an earlier draft.
Disclaimer You know the drill. I am not JK Rowling. I doubt that's come as a huge surprise, but I thought I should let you know.
Date: 07/27/09 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
It's an interesting viewpoint, but I'm turned off by how it sounds like they are kids. Well, not kids, exactly, maybe what I'm aiming for here is teenagers. I think you use their nicknames too often throughout the piece for them to be taken seriously. I agree with whoever said mentioning the ages of 35/36 was an essential detail here. Surius played pranks, but I don't think he would have been this light-heartened. At least not Remus. This conversation was my favorite scene in that book, so I'm sorry if I sound like a nerd:) It is your viewpoint, but still. The dialogue helps move the piece.
Author's Response: Hmm, but as someone who is around the age of thirty five, I frequently have reunions with college mates and we slip back into the teenage banter very quickly. Sirius just has not had a chance to mature - not really. His formative adult years were spent locked up with every happy thought sucked out of him. Also, the scene follows Harry reminding them of their school days, so I do believe they'd be reminiscing. Unfortunately I get a bit bored with angst-doom-and-gloom Sirius. We see in OOTP that he does have his lighter moments (decorating the House elves heads with christmas hats.) I wanted a piece that gave them a chance to reflect on their life at Hogwarts,covered the reasoning behind the Whomping Willow Incident, and why they didn't trust each other.
I have to differ with you on the use of nicknames, as I said to a previous reviewer - for some people I will always be 'Pig' after Helga knows how many years away from school. You don't sound like a nerd, by the way. (well no more than the rest of us) You're obviously very involved with the books and your viewpoint is valid. Thanks for the review; I do appreciate people taking the time out - especially if it's not really to their liking.
To Dwell In Dreams by sorrow_of_severus
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: One simple incantation and you will enter a top-quality, highly realistic, thirty-minute daydream, easy to fit into the average school lesson and virtually undetectable (side effects include vacant expression and minor drooling). Not for sale to under-sixteens.
-from p. 117 of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, American Editioin
When Headmaster Severus Snape discovers an abandoned box of Patented Daydream Charms while patrolling the corridors of Hogwarts one night, he’s about to discover magical, melancholy daydreams of Lily…
…and the reasons why Patented Daydream Charms aren’t sold to younger wizards and witches.
Date: 04/11/10 Title: Chapter 1: To Dwell In Dreams
Laura,
I like how these are quick flashes into Severus’ mind. Yes, it is a humor fic, but I think that you have something here. It is parallel to the Pensieve, except you show this all in a different light. It’s interesting Severus receives this package, and that he dies not hesitate for even a moment tossing it out. Taking it into the Headmaster’s office might have sparked more curiosity from the Headmaster Portraits. You have Dumbledore here, yes. I understand that your main focus from there on in is any interaction between Severus and Lily, but any interest from the portraits seems almost as an expected given when anyone walks in there. It’s random, too, so there are often cases where anyone jumps in and random characters from JKR’s ‘Wizards of the Month’ thing jump in and get a little light recognition.
I like how the first daydream is reflected in the pond display that Flitwick ropes off after the Wesleys leave school. It is OOC for Snape, but that’s the point. The image of him passing 10 Galleons for a moment of entertainment does seem that off. You probably should have mentioned that Lily looked as though she were sixteen earlier in that first passage; it jumps back with a little bit of an odd turn there later on. As Severus was raised by his mother, well, seeing that his father was not much of a character (yeah, we don’t actually know out of ‘A Prince’s Tale), I think the one joke that wouldn’t really work here would be the ‘baving suit’ thing. Do you see my reasoning? It’s not a big deal, of course. He most likely returned to Spinner’s End in the summers, so he probably saw people in the summer wear. That makes me wonder that before they hashed it out when they were fifteen, Lily and Severus spent their summers together.
A drooling Severus is quite a picture. He was human and not this hooked nosed monster, so I like that you present that side realistically. And the mad Alecto catches him? I crackled a smile then, really. You should have had him cackling a stupid response back and Severus clearing the board with some of his awesome wit. I thought Severus was hilarious; he lives by a dark humor. Going back for a reread, if you read that first dungeon scene in ‘The Potions Master’, it’ll crack you up how smart that character is. At least, I thought he had funny written all over him. I have a dark sense of humor that nobody gets. No offense toward anyone who worships Harry Potter , and I get that he was supposed to represent the ‘average kid’ or whatever, but the kid is rather insipid, and he’s nothing without Hermione Granger. That’s one flaw of JKR: Harry had to be reminded fifty times to keep on track. It’s kind of an insult really, seeing as she might be saying kids have a short attention span and can’t sit there as they devour her books over the summer.
The way that you insert Dumbledore’s rhetoric is good, but seems to be literally inserted there for reminding us that he’s hanging there on the back wall behind the Headmaster’s chair. It doesn’t flow too naturally; that’s what I’m trying to say. It’s good. Especially, and I know that I keep bringing up that connection with ‘it does no good to dwell on dreams’ (which, ironically, is exactly what Dumbledore did), but you wove that part in well throughout. That’s your strongest move.
Well done. Let me know your thoughts. Keep writing.
Kuri
A Difficult Conversation by DracoGurlFurever
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Draco Malfoy has asked Harry Potter for a meeting. When Harry arrives, curious to see what he might want, the revelations Draco makes are astounding. Will this very difficult conversation change the way the two men see each other? Will Harry be willing to help Draco?
Date: 04/10/10 Title: Chapter 1: A Difficult Conversation
Apurva,
I have to say that I did not realise you wrote this piece. It’s interesting you take such a spin. It’s not canon, of course, but it is rather interesting. I am reading this again with the intention of landing a review and actually posting it this time. If you think about it, for those of us who enjoy tying these knots (that’s you, not me), are you keeping in mind that these people are already connected in a bloodline? I understand where you see that window of opportunity. Yes, Draco, was friendlier toward Ginny, except for his lovely snide comments, than he was toward, oh, say, Ron and his brothers. Outside of perhaps the Chamber of Secrets, there was not much of an opportunity there. You pulled that out and made it believable for those who are even slightly open-minded. You know me. I’m an open book if you can pull it off well.
“Thought I might have laid an ambush, Potter? Played some kind of trick on you?”
“Well, Malfoy, I mean-“
Not that I like comparing the movie script to the literature, but can’t you just hear Tom Felton pulling this one off? That is spot on characterization and a nice entrance. The conversation flows through quite nicely and they banter, which is not overdone. But I take issue here:
“Muggle-borns? Muggle-borns? If Hermione was here, she might have had a heart attack at your use of that term – don’t you usually go for the insulting approach?”
Hermione might have been offended, yes, but that’s an over exaggeration. Think of her in the books. Except for that case when Malfoy really ticked her off in Azkaban, she took that insult quite lightly. She’d stand over to the side, for what else could you say except, ‘That’s not me, you asinine fool.’ If I remember correctly, she often hid behind and let Harry and Ron handle matters. They defended her.
Harry remained silent, letting Draco think. After a while, he couldn’t contain himself any longer. “Okay, it’s been thirty seconds, and while it’s very reassuring to hear you mumble words to yourself and thus inform me that you’re not asleep, I’d really like to know what’s going on.”
Yes, I agree with him. It’s getting rather old, isn’t it? Part of me is torn here. I want to say you relied on repeated banters too much, but perhaps that is your intention. I swing in and out here at times. You probably meant to push that to some effect along the way. At least it’s not teenage banter, which is what I expected, but perhaps Harry has a point: it’s too drawn out and you’re losing me.
The realisation is a smart move. You have Draco defend an answer. The open-ended ending is interesting. Did I mention the warehouses?
Well done.
Kuri
Morning Tea with Sirius by mudbloodproud
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: After facing ten Death Eaters alone, where else would a man go but to his best friend? However, instead of the man, he got the wife. Better for him? Maybe...
How do you comfort your husband’s best friend when he has come close to death? Over a cup of tea, of course.
I do not own anything you recognise. It all belongs to J.K. Rowling. I am just thankful to be able to escape to her world for a little while.
Date: 02/02/10 Title: Chapter 1: The Knock on the Door
So, I'm looking through alll of this and I'm kicking myself. Okay, not literally, because I''m Japanese with really short legs, but you get my point. I've read all your stuff and I'm just mesmerised. You can tell your a writer with experience and you write with a ourpose. For one thing, you've got this whole emotional gripping/personal struggle thing down pat.
I absolutely love this piece because it pins Sirius andf Lily down for some really deep discussion. You know, with all the scenes JKR describes in her literature, I see this happening. I imagine they all became close and that the Order acted as (especially for lonely ones like Remus or Sirius or Aberforth) as a second family. This has humour in it, but I like that you never sound cliche in any of your pieces. Yoy probably don't write much anymore, but you have talent.
I should review right after I read. like a sensible person, yeah?
Idiot ... good job, Terri.
Sorry for the delay
-okiblossom
More Lives Than One by dashdott
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: “For he who lives more lives than one: More deaths than one must die." - Oscar Wilde
Follow the Marauders in their 6th year--a tale of the complications of friendship, the crippling effects of fear, and the power of love. This is what JKR didn't tell you.
Date: 08/13/09 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
This is really interesting. Glad this idea occured to somebody. Always bothered me that one Marauder - the quiet, supportive one - got cut short on the death scene. Story is really good. Keep going, please.
Author's Response: We're glad you like the prologue! We're going to have "heaven" scenes throughout the fic, ending with the epilogue, but most of it will be set in the past. Hope you enjoy the rest, and thanks for your comments!
Sage by luinrina
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Susan and Philippe Bones Gardien find a box with lots of letters below the floorboards of their living room and want to find out who wrote them. They discover a family tragedy while in the middle of a journey towards their own adventure: the arrival of their first child.
I am luinrina of Hufflepuff House, and this is my entry for the Bookbasilisk Summer one-shot challenge, One Flew Over The Fwooper’s Nest.
Date: 08/10/09 Title: Chapter 1: Sage
I liked this. And yes, if you're curious, your ethmology is accurate. You tied in the history well, although I only know that through literature courses. Thought you drew inspiaration from a King Arthur tale, myself.
Author's Response: Haha, Stargate has quite some references to King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table. I love the historical references the series offer while still being original and sci-fi about it. But good to know that they got the etymology right. :)
Anyway, thank you for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you liked it.
Birthday Surprises by ron lover
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: In an attempt to get away from the surprise party that his friends are throwing, Neville ends up on a train. He doesn't know where it's heading to, all he knows is that it gets him away.
I am ron lover of Gryffindor writing for the Life Begins at Forty prompt.
Date: 07/24/10 Title: Chapter 1: Birthday Surprises
Alyssa,
You chose Neville in this challenge. That’s s a nice move to make the character come to stage. You pointed out the delay in the sleep cycle, and that’s good, because it is just like that. It’s clear what you are trying to do with the ‘oh no, oh no’ freak out here, but the repetition might be a little overdone. The way that Neville discusses his approach towards Luna sounds spot on. Although he wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes, he would be honest to himself about these feelings. You pulled that off, showing his growth of a character.
You are moving in the story, yet you need more detail because it shouldn’t be a jumping plot that tells. You ought to set up the scene because you want readers involved in the story, and this might be moving a bit too fast that it comes out boom, boom, boom. The idea that Ron is the one who shows up at the door to escort him is a nice touch. What is the significance of the exact minute-by-minute time? Yeah, I know that she shows up at 6:20, but it sounds like maybe it’s pushed a little. It might just be something for a noted routine.
I love the ‘crap coming out of your mouth’ line. That is humor that doesn’t sound forced, and it’s naturally rolling off the tongue. You are switching from American English and British English here because you have one mention of ‘blokes’. I don’t recommend that you blend language variations. It makes a difference… a noticeable difference. Alyssa, darling, the thing about the Deaf person is off. There are language impairments and there are delays and it sounds different because of phonetics. That’s the way stuff sounds, yeah? It wouldn’t be said with such standard perfection. You’d have to listen to samples. This conductor wasn’t born Deaf, but there would still be a difference. This is just a recommendation, but perhaps there would be more of a magical element of they traveled on the Knight Bus. That’s a mere suggestion because I keep thinking you can hold on to all the same elements. The angst grudge at the end is lovely and a nice touch.
It’s an interesting idea and good insight into Neville. Let me now what you think. Keep writing.
Jenn
Dark Angel by Kerichi
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary:
Survival. Separation. Reunion. Death cannot stop true love; all it can do is delay it for a while.
*A DH alternate ending story.*
Date: 03/07/10 Title: Chapter 12: Dark Light
Kerichi,
While I figure out my password for this damn site, I figured that I’d type up a review. I was going to do this ages ago, but every time I do it, I tend to be locked out or something else came up. I am that one who wrote that e-mail to you because I was so angry that the thing didn’t work. If it doesn’t now, at least I have a copy. Right, so I read this is pieces and thought through every single chapter. I don’t have the time or the patience (for I’ll probably get kicked off) to go chapter by chapter. So, since I’ve stuck with you all of this time, you should hear my thoughts through this whole process. Let’s get started.
First off, I want to say something. I feel that this is important, so I’m just going to tell you what I have learned. Please don’t get angry with me. I see that you changed the summary on your piece. Yes, that was me. Remember me? I thought how to answer this for a while. People get different interpretations of literature all of the time. I study English Literatures, believe me, I know this and there is nothing wrong with it. The other day, sitting in university seminar, I told a professor that ******(who is so Catholic you wouldn’t believe not only drew from an Chinese author, but she was inspired by Dracula for the same short story. And then, I pulled out religious reference after reference to prove me point. Was I wrong? Probably. In fact, I’d say most likely, but that doesn’t matter. Authors needed to realise they have readers who ‘bring stuff to the table’. On the contrary, I think it’s quite interesting your piece can be read in different ways. You have made me think. My eyes just don’t gloss over so that I think, ‘Whatever, blah, blah, filler …’ Shakespeare does that. The Bard explodes with meaning. I can see you doing something like this: ‘You see that? Really? Well, I wasn’t thinking that, but here we are…’ I would have taken that as a compliment, really. Sorry if you were expecting an apology. Tying down literature is no fun.Well, let’s look at your piece and see what I do remember. The part where Remus wakes up to what he believes to be a dead corpse? That is so creepy, but you put in your rationale that he has in his character. Yeah, he flips out, but who wouldn’t? Are you the one who wrote that he recognised her through the pink nail polish? Or was that Pallas? (I miss her.) Well, anyway, it was something like she changed her nail polish so that she would not give toxic chemicals to the baby. Genius. He just gets up and he starts talking and meets Andromeda. The way they talk is just interesting. You have them on that level of forgiveness, not bantering, as some might expect and they are food friends. What a mutual relationship. I personally think that Andromeda’s voice is a little off, for I don’t see her as an old lady grandmother, but that’s how you make her sound. Not in my head, no. When Remus walks into the bedroom or nursery, I felts o much empathy for him. I don’t like kids, but jeez ...
The way that you have Tonks play with his mind is so interesting. Thank you for not making her the stupid young woman who JKR portrays in the books I understand that she’s brainwashed into thinking she’ s Tera, but wouldn’t it be cool if some of that were innate? I think that as a personality trait, it would have to be on some level. Maybe that’s what I meant before. You didn’t catch onto that. Not that she’s evil, but she can stand up for herself and wield power. That shows a shred of why she is a Black and her strength as an Auror. (I think JKR just went plain stupid and made her that blonde girl prototype dating a emotional whiner werewolf there in the end. But I digress...)
I love that house elf. Gita is purely amazing. Her connection with Remus is spot on. Her care over a mistress is amazing. I love when they interact in small ways. The fact that Remus sees her on that level of human is so cool. It’s all about tea. Been ill for two days in break, so I’m living off tea. I like that Tera treats her well, even though that would not happen with any other Black. Again, that’s the humanity shining through.What else? Tera or the baby? Let’s go with Tera/Nymphadora. The way you have her slip back and forth in the complex is amazing. You think she’s there, but she’s not and it slips away. I suffered through a depression for a while a way back (a year and a half), and let me tell you, some days you feel this swing. Some days, you feel all right and you forget about it. You do. You’re there. But there are just some days you just want to say get the hell away from me. (I had mummy –comes-into-life-after-never –seeing-her control issues). Mum’s not Bella, of course, but I connected with you there. You slip again, for the slightest issues. It starts again. You’re alone. Nobody understands. No, you don’t want treatment. I’m fine. No, I’m not. Some people might think that you drew that out, but you are spot on.
The baby: the mannerisms with this kid are spot on. I am amazed how well you write that part. The nursing, the eagerness, the motor sensation: it’s like you have a textbook there. I love that scene when she’s nursing him and he does something with her shirt. The detail is exquisite. When Remus helps her with a garment and the baby just stares. I fear kids. The way you have this leaking over the pages is like we are sitting in the room watching this. You must either have kids or you’re around them or something. Yes. We’ll come back to this later. I like that you have the two house-elves fight and that your love scenes are just hints. My favourite part is when the silenced Remus lifts his teacup and speaks through gestures. And the house –elf (the damn house elf) speaks for him. Yeah. I think he’s acting through that. If he is that’s awesome. You say so much through that. You’re reunion with Andromeda is much anticipated. Like I said, I can’t believe you got me this far. I love when she curses him with a kiss. Again, and again, you hook him (and the readers like a fish) and throw us off into the bloody water. I don’t think that they would have used hypnosis to free her (for that’s a Muggle thing). Wizards and wizards of course had addled minds, but I don’t see that they use psychiatric methods for a cure. I don’t know what to suggest. I’m getting tired. However, I love that she tells Andromeda that she has to do something. She says she loves her. Here’s hoping she kills Belatrix’s arse. I’m just saying. Like I said, you’re like Pallas. I’m currently writing a piece on Remus called A Blank Canvas. Please don’t be offended, but yours and Jess’s pieces frequently pop into my mind. (I don’t use anything of course.) Scenes from your piece (the nursing scene, the bra straps and the teacups) flash through my mind when I consider things. Not that it’s canon, but I want you to know it sticks. My piece is from the POV of Remus’s mum (who is obviously OC) but I think back on this. Let’s see if I can post this. I love different stories that follow canon. You do that. You weave well. Characterisation, reason, plot, storyline, canon are spot on. The repetition through the titles shows you care. You make me actually like Remus and Tonks as a post-paring. You have talent. Let me know what you think. Well done, Paige. Words: 1360 (Wow.) Let me know what you think. KuriAuthor's Response:
I love to hear your thoughts, and wow is right. I think you may have set a Mugglenet record! I'm going to put on my Jack Sparrow pirate hat and tip it at the screen in your honor!
I haven't read Pallas' story, so I don't know if great minds think alike, heh, but yes, I had Remus recognize it wasn't Tonks through the nail polish.
It's funny you "hear" Andromeda as an old lady grandmother. In my canon stories I've presented her as cool and calm. She loves Tonks dearly, but she's an aristocratic mum and doesn't fuss like Molly. I have a one shot, Hey, You, I Don't Like Your Girlfriend that's Ted/Andromeda from her pov and shows my view of her character if you're interested.
I don't think Tonks was portrayed as stupid in the books as much as portrayed incompletely--and from a boy's limited point of view--so readers were left to fill in the blanks. I've always written her with a "Black streak" (as she calls it). She's definitely assertive and capable as an Auror and a woman. She does what she has to do.
Harry wears glasses. St. Mungo's has a ward of people who can't be cured, so I don't think magic can cure everything. I do believe it helps, though, which is why the Healer uses a pain block spell so Tonks won't have to try and fight pain to recall memories. I tried really hard to show that Bella didn't use complex, high level magic. She wasn't a Gilderoy Lockhart, she didn't erase memories, she used what she knew--pain--to repress them. If she'd lived, and the others had died, it would've been effective.
It's a great compliment that you'd think of my story! Remus is awesome and deserves many stories about him, from as many povs as writers can imagine. I'm glad you're writing yours, and abso-bloody-lutely thrilled you read mine. Thank you, Kuri, very, very, much!
The Vindication Of James Potter by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor
Rated: 6th-7th Years • Summary:
"James Sirius Potter, it is the judgment of the Wizengamot that you have been found guilty. You knowingly, in possession of sound mind and body, used the Cruciatus Curse and the Killing Curse in the intentional torture and murder of one Gregory Goyle the Third."
James Potter was going to Azkaban for the rest of his natural life, and his whole family was in shambles. His wife and child have fled the country, his sister was missing, and his parents were a wreck. However, James knew that he had larger problems: his guilt was coming more and more in question.
Though he knew that James was withholding information about the circumstances of the murder of which he had been found guilty, Harry had secrets of his own; however, even he could not handle this torrent of trouble alone. Can Harry trust his darkest confidences to anyone? Even family?Â
How will the Potter clan stop the downward spiral into pain and disaster, and can they recover what they've lost?
Â
This fic was nominated for a 2010 Quicksilver Quill Award - Best Next-Generation Story.
Date: 04/12/10 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
Jess,
Lord. This’ll take ages to review. Why did I wait? It’s a completely new story on which you take a new idea. You know where I stand as far as ‘Next Generation’ standing on loose details. With such strings JKR offers people in the epilogue, they have this opportunity (No, I’d say it’s more of an obligation if they truly want a good storyline), to create this entire world around them where they might fit in. I’m surprisingly hooked with these first couple of paragraphs. You have modeled the Wizengamot straight out of the “Hearing’ in Phoenix, so that fits canon well. You jump right into the action, which is a conventional, an expectation of young adult literatures.
his own brother, Albus Severus Potter,
Yes, I picked out a fragment. Here’s my point. While I can see that you use a formal voice for the court procedures, this is rather redundant. I can see earlier you put ‘he, Harry’ as a note of clarification, and that works, but why would we need to know Albus’s full name. (I often make a Spanish crack here, but I’ll skip it.) Do you see what I mean? He’s not on trial. The formal tone doesn’t need to be there. His family watched this? Well, yes, that does work because that happens a few times in Goblet of Fire. Can you imagine how horrible that would be as a spectacle? In the old days, as I am sure you know, that was the good old form of entertainment.
Her hair had become liberally streaked with white during the course of this trial, and her eyes now had worry lines that were not there before.
This above sentence seems like a bit of an over exaggeration, but we’ll go with it. I like that you consider James Potter to be a Quidditch player earlier in life; the fact that he finds a second career shows you completely thought this thing out. You bring a canon into the story quite nicely. To tell you the truth, I’d forgotten of good old Jimmy Peakes. Your detail here surprised me; you write narrative stories in a style that is similar to my own. I usually harp on people about the importance of a blend of dialogue, narration and flow. You explain these details well. The splintering of the wand is an interesting concept, though it’s even more interesting that you have James watch.
Right, so I’m just going to run though and discuss the rest of it. I am trying to think of whatever could have happened to Lily; she’s clearly the missing party here that we’re supposed to overlook. I’ll do that for now, but it is something that might be important. Why couldn’t James simply claim self-defence? You don’t have to answer that. I’m discussing that one with the plot bunny in my head. I do have to say the relationship between Hugo and James is well done. As a voice, looking at James, perhaps it is too formal, but what do I know? I’d thought he’d drop the elite, really elite, ‘proper English’ and knock it down to Standard English a bit. He sounds too proper when you consider the family and environment, especially if you look that he was raised inn the company of the ordinary Weasleys. That’s my major thing about him.
The wife, the wife confuses me. Is she the daughter of Neville and Hannah? Right, just so you know, I caught on to the surname of Longbottom, and I’m not slow. I’m piecing this together in a very tired head. Whatever enters my airhead is spilling out onto the paper. I think I’m writing out my reasoning. I feel for James here. Really, I do, and I’m all for justified punishment. Yes, sir. Can you tell I’m slipping? Making the reference to the entire family is just something elongating the guilt, the shame, the feelings. The ending of the chapter is poignant. It reflects the scene that you expect with this motif. Thank God he’s not just getting off because he’s, you know, Harry Potter’s son or whatever. I like that this is an older New Generation, and I would say that you are almost undoubtedly on a limb out there all by yourself.
‘Biirrd, Jess, biiird.’ (Sorry, that’s a line that I share with my Jessica when I tell her to go out on a limb. She just now got it. That’s my Jeshie.) Anyway, I love controversial literature. Any good literature, if you truly want it to be good and memorable to an audience, needs to push the envelope. I’m trying to do that myself and it’s a bugger at times. Well, I meant for this to be longer, but I’m falling asleep.
Let me know your thoughts.
You really covered all your bases there, didn’t you? Not a rotten apple in the bushel. This is undoubtedly one of the best things I have read in regard to fan fiction, and, in case you haven’t noticed, I am REALLY picky. Jennifer is amazed and thoroughly convinced she’s a ***** writer compared to you. Why am I writing in third person? You really, I mean, quite honestly, you blew me out of the water here. Damn, if I thought that I had a shred of talent. You are very talented. Why the hell aren’t you totally engrossed in original fiction? This is nearly that by a hair. I’m trying to be nit picky.
This thing reads like a damn novel. Well done.
Jen
Author's Response:
First off, wow to the wonderful review! I know you said that you've been meaning to read this, but usually that is just something that people say when they want to make me happy, lol.
The thing about Albus is that I designed this story to be readable for someone that is not competely familiar with the Next-Gen family tree. Basically, I wrote two chapters, sent them to a few friends: one that was a HP fan, one that had seen the movies, and one that didn't know much at all. I crafted the beginning to meet the needs of those who had only seen the movies and those who don't really know Harry Potter. I probably could have nixed the middle name, but in my defense, this was the very first piece of fan fiction that I had written. Ever. Truthfully, I hadn't written creatively for about ten years before this, so I'm actually surprised you like it so well at this point. My later chapters and other fics are much more well-written.
The dialogue is, indeed, a bit stilted, and I've been meaning to fix it, but I consider finishing the Epilogue to this story more important at this juncture. It will be remedied as soon as I can get my lazy arse to do it. :D
And about James's wife - yes, she is Neville and Hannah's daughter. Canonically, they aren't listed as having any children, but it never said that they didn't, so I took some liberty there.
There are many, many buried hints in this chapter as to what happens later in the fic, all of which will become ridiculously obvious once you move along (which is how I meant it to be). The mod that approved this story all the way through actually started to read it a second time for enjoyment, and she was astounded by the amount of effort that I put into these little seeds of information, but I don't really give it away.
You will see many characters in this fic, most all of which are canon, and yes, there are a few fluffy spots, but considering the events surrounding them, you'll probably feel that these poor bastards need some solace.
I hope you keep reading and enjoy the story. It's got more twists and turns than a plate of spaghetti, so there is plenty with which to keep yourself occupied. Thank you so much for reviewing, and I hope to bump into you again later down the line! Since it will end up being, including the Epilogue, just a hair longer than Goblet of Fire, it might take you a while, though.
Take care and happy reading,
Jess
Agnes by Russia Snow
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: Dolores Umbridge is evil. Everyone hates her and she hates everyone. That is the way it has always been - or has it? Are people born evil? Surely there are reasons for her actions. We only ever hear the tale of the hero, what about the ememy?
This is the untold story of Dolores Umbridge.
Date: 04/10/10 Title: Chapter 1: Dolores Umbridge
Russia,
I don’t usually stumble on the pieces on younger writers because there isn’t much talent, but you have surprised me. As much as I am revolted by the very idea anyone would be called ‘Dolly, by a sister, a mother , whomever, I’m with Dolores.
Dressed ridiculously in her mother’s old tee-shirt and her sisters too-long trousers, with a grin so big it rivalled the Cheshire Cat’s, she could have made anyone smile.
I like the mental image of a Cheshire Cat. You pulled it out of well known literatature and used it well. This line is impressive, but I think you need an apostrophe there for possession. I glimpse other peoples writings before I even attempt a review, and I notice that a weakness of yours is punctuation. I often forget to do this myself in writings. It only takes minutes to proofread. Never simply rely on a beta, although that’s why they’re there, for a writer needs to understand his mistakes. We all make them.
To see these two children in their village, wearing old, ill-fitting patched clothing was an alien concept to them; they couldn’t understand it, and so they came to the conclusion that the children were weird, and should be avoided at all costs.
This seems as a bit of an exaggeration, but I have to remember you are younger, so I’m glad you are writing. What impressed me here? You know how to use a semi-colon correctly. Hallelujah. You know that is the most feared punctuation mark in the English language. It took me until university to catch on to this one myself. What’s more, even though readers tend to shy away from these really lengthy sentences, you not only have punctuated the damn thing correctly, but you make a point. The words might come off a bit choppy and cliché, but you have showed a variation.
Shouldn’t you capitalize ‘Silvia Woods’ since her buddy ‘Ink Woods’ gets that honour? Shouldn’t they be placed in single quotation? The portrayal of Dolores as a poor girl, since you’re probably tired of me being a grammar sob, is interesting. I think it fits her characterisation well. You might not have mentioned it so much in in the introduction there, but there you are. I wanted to say, ‘She’s poor. Right. Oh, here it is again. And again. Russia, we get it. Move on,’ but that’s a good point.
The break when Agnes wakes up shouldn’t be there. For one, it’s too short and doesn’t make a point. Usually, those are centred. I think those two pieces with the breaks can be easily deleted without much consequence or loss, really, but there you are. You can move on with the insight without the insight of mundane detail. I glossed over that as filler, really, for it sounded a bit cliché.
You make Dolores human with this relationship with her sister. I have, oh, (yeah, I’m counting names off on my fingers) four sisters and three of them are within a year of me. A sister relationship is just like that. You fight about the stupidest *** as kids, and then you reconcile, just to do it all over again in a couple of days. And when boys first entered the picture? I cannot tell you. The confrontation of a hazing like that is such a picture. You’ve reminded me of the lynching practices they held in the southern part of the States against slaves. I never understood why the States resorted to slavery at all. There’s a narrative by Crevecoeur which would shock the living *** out of you on this matter. Oh my God. You’ve scared the hell out of me. What an ending.
I’ve always liked her. If nothing else, she pissed McGonagall off and made her a wonderful character. And you tied it all in with a bow.
Well done.
Let me know your thoughts. Hope this makes you think.