I was going to review this last night, but I really had nothing to go on other than to say that it seems interesting that you chose to go on this idea that JKR 'had many stories betwen the lines'. All right, so the first thing I knew about this formal balllroom behaviour is that you have the mannerisms down, but I wonder if this would mean anything else for the time period. Yes, the curtsy shows respect an the subordinate woman, but there has got to be other times from that period.

So, I looked up the Black Family Tree to see if there was actually these characters within the lines. You did your research, so I followed through with a bit of my own to back up your claim. It turns out there was a Charis in the late 18th century .... English Romance.

As you bring about a party, you mmight want to look at those who wrote during this time period. It might be really cool if you attempted to actuallly mimic these people. The period was largely anestetic when you look at authors like Bronte, but it takes a rather gothic hand with Shelley. Not Shelley who wrote Frankstien, but you might want to look at her husband. Btonte ... Bronte sets up a scene in P&P (though I never finished reading it). There are many times when families are introduced by the higher ranked families and they are courted. With the pureblood mandate, I imagine people courted all of the time. Even with more power, and the right to participate in medical hospitals, I imagine this did not die out. Someone would have intoduced her to others. I see these two sisters watching from the sidelines, but Cedilla (who I assume is missing from the family tree) probably would have been introduced by a escort.

Also, look at the language from this period. I can almost garauntee you that a young woman or man wouold never have said 'scum' as an insult. 'Filth' seems more appropriate. And the seting should be more Gothic (not all in black) and have those elements of a stting to draw people in.

It's well written, but remember the time.

- okiblossom

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed review! I will admit I have not done a lot of research about this time period in English high society (The year is 1933). Thank you for your ideas, I will definitely look into some of the things you said. Although didn't the Shelley's live in the 1800's? I have been struggling with Cedrella's language, not know what was colloquial speech at this time. As for the idea of an escort, the way I see this Pureblood society is that children, especially daughters, are heavily controlled by their parents. This choice of a daughter's husband is a very important political and social tool for her father. Thus, Arcturus Black would never want his girls formally seen with a boy (like an escort) before he decides who their husband will be. He himself would escort and introduce his daughters. Anyway, thanks again! :)

I like this one as well.

Author's Response: Thanks! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

I've never thought this couple was evil; the Malfoys just bound themselves to law, similarly to Sirius's brother.From Narcissa's first apparence in GoF, you can tell she's bound; Lucius might be arrogant, but she just does whatever to keep the pretense. Correct me if I'm wrong: it's Lestrange her brother-in-law? Usually that would bother me, but we know so little of his character, but clearly he's about, if not on a different level than his wife, mad. I gagged once simply because I picture him as a corpse in my head. That's just....yeah...anyway, Lucius kind of got screwed there in the end; I never thought the Malfoys deserved their treatment. It is, as you say, for protection. You scared me with this piece. I always think too much with literature.

Well done. Carole.

Author's Response: Thank you. This was a different type of story for me, for I'm not an angsty type of person, normally. Rabastan isn't Bellatrix's husband - that's Rodolphus - Rabastan is his brother. For some reason I always picture him as evil and revolting. Thanks again ~Carole~

Right. I'm going to try this again with the hopes that I don't get kicked off. You're story sounds a bit origunal, although I think I once read this Draco/Hermione piece that was rather questionable. Well written, of course, but it was questionable al the same. Really dark.

The opening with the lone candles and the dark corridors rather reminds me of a set for Catholic schoolgirl gone wrong, which is rather cool, don't get me wrong. You had me there.

Errour: "anything, anymore should not have a comma because there is no pause.

Just curious here. Why wouuld you say that she feared the possibility of ghosts? After the climatic battle, I would think she has enough on her plate and would be mourning the dead. And as for the Death Eaters haunting Hogwarts, why would you bother hauting an area where you just got defeated and effectively obilterated? I understand you are trying to make a connection. Think about that.

"wand rape" - This is really where I draw the line. I mean, yes, I see that Goyle is rather disoriented and that he can make this action. Even if he does decide to rape her in exchange for a murder she did not commit (because Crabbe effectively destroyed a Hocrux, yes?), I'm just not seeing it that way.

I'm not trying to say that the rapeisn't plausible. I do understand that you want to make a point with Hermoine and a shocking act, but this whole again of 'wand rape' is a bit much. It's probably hard to write (I tried this myself), but it is a little too much. The euivilent of that would be a knife. And why? Do you just want a magical element? It's really bad enough to say she got raped, let alone by such a description.

Although she is alone in the corridor, there are loads of other people in that Castle. Would nobody have noticed? You might have a poiont there, but I want you to consider this: Dumbledore was willing to pardon Draco' s family in HBP and Harry was startled by his instance, so there is a chance things may get repaired there.

Where dd the rock come from? As a talented witch, she throws a rock from the debris as a defence? Why not kick me and hurt his eyes? Even if her wand slid a few feet away, Hermione's got power enough to make a connection. A rock?

Well, hrre are my thoughts. It is quite well written and you have an original idea. I would not have written a written had I not been intrigued.

-okiblossom

Author's Response: Thank you for reading this story and leaving a review. At the risk of sounding defensive, I feel I must address many things you have written about, as most are things that I did indeed think about before submitting this piece, and feel are explained well enough in the story. First of all, your opening paragraph puzzles me. Are you referring to a Draco/Hermione story that I wrote or that you read elsewhere? What does it have to do with this story? As for Hermione being afraid of ghosts, the sentence I wrote was: “. . . her first irrational thought was that the ghosts of the dead were haunting the hallways.” I was not referring to the Hogwarts ghosts, but rather to the ghosts of those killed in the battle. We know wizards can stay behind as ghosts, though we know little about how or why. It seems possible, however unlikely, to me that someone killed horrifically in the battle may haunt the castle. Hermione went from the break-in at Gringotts straight into the final battle; is it that inconceivable that sheer fatigue would bring these same irrational thoughts to her mind? Regarding Hermione being alone in the corridor: again I ask if it is really that improbable that she would find herself alone in that ruined hallway, early in the morning, the day following the final battle? The vast majority of students left for being underage, although some returned through the Hog’s Head and many fighters joined the battle from Hogsmeade. Still, it does not seem unlikely to me that they would be resting, mourning their loved ones, or even returning home. This scene does not take long to unfold; it seems very possible that only one person may have happened upon the attack. I am not sure I understand what this has to do with the rest of the paragraph: “Dumbledore was willing to pardon Draco' s family in HBP and Harry was startled by his instance, so there is a chance things may get repaired there.” Dumbledore may have been willing to pardon Draco in HBP, but he is dead, and the Malfoys literally hosted the Dark Lord at their home. It seems highly unlikely to me they will get off with no sentence for their crimes, no matter their actions during the final battle. While it may seem out-of-character for Draco to ask for help, this is still Draco Malfoy, and he is doing so through blackmail. He demonstrated in HBP that he was capable of killing to protect his family; it only follows that he may attempt blackmail to protect them as well. The rock came from the ruins of the corridor. I made sure to explain the scene so that it was plausible. Hermione did use her magic to blast Goyle away from her, but he moved her wand even further down the hallway, making that more difficult-or so she thought. Again, I must point out the terrifically difficult time Hermione has had: is it that unbelievable that even she would panic in the moment and grab for whatever was at hand to fend off her attacker? I simply chose a rock rather than have her kick and scream. Finally, to address your concerns about the term “wand-rape:” I did not intend for this to be literal. In my mind, this is a magical violation, and Goyle would not actually use his wand for this heinous act but do so magically. I can see the confusion and apologize for that, as well as any offense. I will try to make that more clear. Again, I thank you for taking the time to write such a review. I hope I have addressed your points and that you understand this story and how and why I wrote it the way I did somewhat better. ~Gina

Okay. I think I read this one last night and I think I've read stuff by you before, so the style is different, and that's a good thing. I understand that you are trying to do this is a short piece, but there seems to be a lot covered in a short amount of space. Perhaps there should be a slight justification to back up what Severus thinks when they get in the car. You say that he hates James. I'm wondering what's going on in the back of his head.

Not an angst piece (because I think those are poorly written) but especially in the introduction. You seem to imply Severus is running from Voldemort. What happened there? It's interesting if you consider this as one of those times Lily and James 'thrice defied Voldemort'. The 'chivalrous' part should either have an adjective or an adverb somwhere, but it needs to be different because it sounds out of place.

I understand that they travel by Muggle means, but the repetition seemd rather annoying. It probably seems weird because of the length of the piece, but perhaps that would be lightened by seeing others in the piece; minor characters can help you set a scene, but they can have another purpose. What if they stayed at someone's house who took synpathy on them? Aren't they seen by the ooutsiderrs as husband and wife? Or even as a couple, seeing as Severus has no ring, but they are seen going into these places.

The spider thing: that is so big brother, good job.

Interesting. I wonder how long this will last.

-okiblossom

Author's Response: I do think it would have been fun to make a longer story out of this and explain more, but I like the idea of leaving a lot up the imagination. I am thinking of doing a companion piece that would explain more, but that's still up in the air. As for the continual mention of traveling by Muggle means -- that was more to set up the monotony of their entire trip, of the story. If it were to be a longer story, you're right, it would have been a good idea to include more minor characters and other scenes. Thanks for such a detailed review!

Annalise,

So, I just said that I wasn't going to review this for lack of time. I am taking a quick break, so I figure that I'll jam as much in here as possible, so you will probably sit and read this for a while. I hope you truly take the time to look at it, so that we can sit back and see what's going on with your writing. I hope, too, for your sake, that you are thick skinned.

I like that you have this ia a Fred death piece. Or George. No, Fred died and George survived. Anyway, I sound liike a confused Molly there, but I had a point. What was it? Oh, yes, the first line of your piece is admittedly rather weak. Fred runs and then he screams, 'Run'? That's not exactly presenting a powerful inage that I think you hope to convey. Perhaps you should have flipped through a thesaurus, at the very least, for it gives your writing another element.

You really do seem to lack detail in the piece, which is rather unfortunate because you have a nice idea. Detail and narration move a piece along quite nicely. You say a lot of things in one sentence; these should be explained further so that we can see your thought process. You are a beginning writer: we cannpot see whatever might be in your head, and that should be spilled onto the paper, especially in a fictional or narrative piece.

I'm rather surprised you have written so little, really. Like I said in a piece that got deleted, you don't need to jump around so much if you just take the effort to write whatever is in your head. We have no idea of how Fred feels or why he feels however he might feel at the moment.

When you say Fred is 'thinking over everything in the past' later on, it's quite a pity you don't explain what any of this is. You will, if this isn'y an obvious answer, increase your word cout and hook more readers with the smallest explanation.

It 'jumps' far too much for the reasons stated above. Your paragraph breaks are unneccessary; I don't know why people insist on making that move. If you look at good fiction writers (and there are way better ones than JKR), they simply continue the piece even though the scene changes. In any case, those marks of punctuation need to be centred. Well, thy usually are in formatting anyway.

Your weakness, grammatically, are commas. Think of them as caesura or pauses. Ask yourself this as you are writing: Where would I take a breath? I suggest you use the same technique with poetry. Your semi-colons are oddlyu placed, though I suppose you should get credit for placing thoe correctly. Read your pieces aloud.

I know this sounds like I'm picking on you. I am honest, and I make no apology for it. I would not have considerred the piece had the idea not caught my eye. You have potential with this idea. If you care in the slightest to follow through with a revision, I encourage you to do so.

Detail. Detail.

Please consider this wiith an open mind. I'm trying to help you. Let me know your thoughts. Yes, I tend to be really honest in the early morning hours, so that's part of it. Let me know what you think. I hope this helps.

Kuri

Author's Response: Thank you, Kuri, for your seamingly honest review. It helped a great deal. Lately, I have noticed that Iack detail in what I write And I am trying to find a way to write it down so that it seems appropriate and doesn't go on and on, boring the reader. That you can be so honest, a well as nice, is greatly appreciate and I thank you for it. Really. I know almost entirely what needs to be fixed and expanded upon. My writing can be greatly improved (and i'm talking 1000fold here) and without you, I wouldn't really know what was missing. I have taken all of our points into account and have decided to rewrite parts of this piece, if not the whole thing. For now, though, I have been reduced to using a mobile phone for all of my computing endevours so editing this story would be quite hard but as soon as I have my computer back, this is going to have a rethink. Thank you, once again, for your review. ~ Annalise x :)

Natalie,

You know, the point of reading fan fiction that you don't have to follow the grind. Many people don't do that and they come up with these outrageous pairings for no reason. Pure putting words on paper crap. That's not the problem. I view fan fiction (much to the disappointment of whiny teens) as practice writing.

That being said, none of iof think that James and Severus would follow this path. Of course, I agree with whoever said that JKR wrote like Shakespeare in that her things carry double meanings.

It's a funny piece that I'm sure your LJ friends adored. I like that it was plausible and 'loyal' to canon. Please. The number of people who beat the whole Remus/Sirius thing to death? Really?

The best part is that you kept that characterisation. I loved that they entered this park. Not only are you touching on Snape's memory, but you're not pulling this out of your butt. You put real thought into it. We all get a laugh.

The point about fan fiction is that it needs to be loyal to the author and written WELL. Never write just to write.

You accomplished that.
Don't sell yourself short. Have your laugh.

Peeled any potatoes lately?

Well done.

Kuri

Author's Response: Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



About the canon part, I can't help it. It's just the way I function, you know. I HAVE to make it as loyal to canon as possible, and that's why I had them breaking up in the end. I'm glad you thought the characterization was in sync with canon because that is another thing I'm careful about. And I do think non-canon pairings are great to read as long as the characters are recognizable.



Oh, I love your line that "The point about fan fiction is that it needs to be loyal to the author and written WELL. Never write just to write" as there are quite a few fanfiction-writers who do it only for wish-fulfillment. One might agree that THAT is the whole point of this genre, but really, where's your credibility if your characterization has gone way beyond what is there in the books? Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



Thank you so much for a thought-provoking review, and I have been peeling quite a few potatoes lately. ;) Hello there,



Mmm...while I do think fanfiction is a form of "practice writing", I wouldn't described it in that way alone. :D The thing is, I love writing fanfiction, not merely to hone my skills, but because it gives me a lot of happiness and allows me to indulge a bit more in my favourite fandom. :) Plus, I've got so many new friends because of it (although that is a different story).



~Natalie.

Aida,

This has got to be the funniest crcak!fic thing I have ever read. Not that I have ever read a crack!fic before, but whatever. I read this because I'm stuck on my own writing and you just made me laugh so much. The paperwork? Oh my God, really? The fact that the minion bows so low to the ground? Have you burnt down Gryffidor yet? Damn it. Sorry, I'm laughing piece after piece here. Weird fan fiction doesn't usually hold my attention. That line alone just made me laugh over and over again.

I saw your excerpt on EoM, so I was curious. I love the Super Duper High-Power Extreme whatever title. (Sorry, I know Voldemort's probably against us not knowing his name. He can't just Crucio them all? Hilarious, Aida.

He's a badass mofo. Give the man somebody to curse! Where's an idiot Death Eater when you need him?

Good job, really. All the way through. Hope that you have an update soon.

Kuri

Sarah,

This piece is so reminscient of that scene in 'A Prince's Tale' that it's almost eerie. In a good way, of course, you've taken a flash memory, well, two, really, and combined them in such a fascinating. I was going to point out that he was too young to show signs of magic at this age. Especially if he showed that he did this many years before, but forget canon. It's a slight detail.

I think that you captured the view of a five-year old well. At this age, Harry would focus on those things and have nothing to do but a simple task. Dandilions show that he is occupied with something while being effectively shoved off to the side. Well done with the simplicity.

For Petunia, I think this was a wonderful switch in POV, I don't usually like that, but it fits here. I can go on and on, but that DH scene just played back inn my mind. The mirroring is incredile. And the spin? I love that it is Petunia because I wan't expecting that.

The sympathy that she shows toward Harry is just interesting. At this age, obviously Harry wouldn't really hate them.. I like how you ahowed that Petunia saw him as a bother, but she doesn't hate him. You don't show that she hates Lily, which puts her in a better light. What an impressive move. All she was fueled by is jealousy. I like that she misses that part of her sister.

What else? Oh, you didn't put Harry is that 'beat you over the head' poor Harry, poor Harry situation. And the power of him handing her her flower. Well, trying to hand it to her is awesome.

A one-shot that fits into canon. Insightful. It makes you think. Beautifully written.

Kuri

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much, Kuri!

SL,

Do you miss our conversations that encompassed everything and nothing all at once?

What an opening line! Isn’t that how real conservations go with friends? Sometimes you’re so in sync with them. and other times, there simply isn’t a damn thing that clicks, but you’re still there. Conversation is supposed to be confusing. Hell, how many times do we need things repeated throughout the day with those who are closest to us? These are the people we rely on for everything in our lives. Language, especially if we know the tongue, is layered with semantics, intonations and all that. How can it not be confusing? Isn’t every conversation where we hope to make a connection? I hope you understand this.

The Sirius I know doesn’t regret anything. Don’t tell me you regret what has happened.

Here, I feel I must disagree with you. That’s true Sirius might not have taken regret because he looked at the positives, but how could he not have been lost? Think of when he’s in Grimmuald Place with Harry. How could he not regret the things that happened around him? Yes, this is a letter from James. If James truly understood and was watching over him or whatever you think he views this as, he would have seen that. How can Sirius not have shared some regret with his best mate with people, friends, mind you, dropped like flies. Sirius is not a one-dimensional, impenetrable character because he’s Sirius.

The next paragraph about ‘something Pads,’ threw me off, really. The whole sequence here has me wondering whether Sirius, too, is indeed dead. I’m trying think that of course he couldn’t be as he placed the stag figurine, or carving, on the grave, but I don’t know. That needs to be explained or fleshed out because you’re missing something. I understand the symbolism of it, I do, and perhaps you should have placed the letter in the stag as a roll because that could easily blow away. Saying they were reflecting on Peter again, as you just said that in the introduction and pulled that back into it, is quite unnecessary. So, I admit I glazed through this paragraph, but, lucky for you, I stumbled back with this:

Don’t believe them, Sirius, when they say that it’s better when you leave everything behind. Don’t believe them when they say it’s a ‘better place’, where nothing hurts, where everything bad is taken from you, every bad feeling, everything that hurts. Don’t believe them when they say the weather is perfect when you die. It’s not.

Is that not powerful? Oh my God, there is so much that I can say about this passage. You are very insightful. Like before, I have to say you’ve caught me off guard and you threw me away. I’m not going to throw faith in here, partially because I’m simply not religious and the connotations are just bloody obvious, but this is exactly how I feel about death. We don’t know. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We don’t know who were leaving behind. Why would you listen to the consolations of the living? Granted, all right, there is nobody else to listen to, yeah, but what the hell do they know? What do we all think we know? Death is a perfect experience? I’m not dead. When you’re dead, what would it natter that you drop everything? It’s not.

I can barely look at you, Sirius. It hurts. It hurts so badly. I feel so guilty. This guilt presses down on me, like the darkness of this night. I’ll never forgive myself for leaving you alone. I’m afraid they’re going to lock you up in Azkaban and take away all the light inside you. And I’m angry; I’m angry that Remus is going believe the lies. I’m angry that he’s going to betray you too. He’s going to mourn Peter as though he was innocent, and he’s going to be glad that you’re wasting away in Azkaban, and that makes me furious, Sirius.

Sorry I’m going by this paragraph by paragraph, but I find you bring up things that I can’t help but move the discussion. The first few sentences her sound rather weak and cheesy. You shouldn’t that sentence with ‘and’ and you perhaps shouldn’t have written ‘But’ in the previous sentence either. I agree with you that Remus believed the lies. How could he not? We judge by what we hear and force ourselves toward rationalization. In Remus’s case, he’s going to be handed thirteen years to mull and analyse this every way possible. He will mourn Peter because they were friends, yes, but he won’t be glad that Sirius has wasted away in prison.
Look at his reaction in Book 3. Either way you view this issue, he has to deal with the guilt. He doesn’t discuss Sirius with harry for this very. He dodges the matter altogether when Harry brings it up a few times. It’s not because he’s a werewolf who’s reputation can’t be tainted with the association with a mass murderer. That entire scene when they embrace in the Shrieking Shack is not simply a ‘missed you, brother’ type of thing. I’d argue that it’s as powerful as Harry being reunited with his godfather. Being reunited with a family member let me tell you, after years of separation, is no small thing. There are no words.

Have I bored you yet? I didn’t connect with the rest of it. Shouldn't James feel something for Peter? Yes, he killed them, but for years, they were friends, He might not have gotten as cllose to James as Sirius and Remus, but I think Peter is quicly overshadowed by us.

You made me think. Let me know your thoughts. Well done.

Kuri

Author's Response: Wow, that was an amzing review, so thank you so much for taking the time to leave it! I understand completely what you mean about conversation and friends, and I agreed completely. I tried to convey that connection that James and Sirius have - they're best mates, and not even death can change that. I think regret is different from being lost. James is already dead in this fic - the Sirius he knew in life didn't take the time to regret things, and James wants to convince himself that Sirius can still be that person he was. He's almost talking to himself in that particular section, like he can't really stand the thought of Sirius being changed by what happened. Sirius isn't impenetrable, but I don't think he'd be the melodramatic, over-emotional type. We saw in the books that he had a tendency to bottle things up until someone/something pushed him that little bit too far. Am I making sense? Probably not, but it made sense in my head :D I'm glad you like the passage about death and heaven. I'm not particularly religious either, which is why I thought a lot about us not knowing. You're right, of course, we don't know. We can't know, and we when do, there's no popping back to chat about it. Maybe ther's something more, maybe their isn't, but humans have that innate need for consolation, for something to cling to when everything else fails. I know what you're saying about Remus not being glad that Sirius is in prison, and your right about him having over a decade to think on what happened. But I have to disagree with you a little - this story depicts a very small snippet of time, very soon after James and Lily's death. Grief changes people, we've all seen it. Remus has just had his world turned over - two of his best friends are dead, for all appearances, it seems Sirius has betrayed them all and then gone after Peter too. I think, that so soon after, Remus would be very angry, very confused and in those few days after, a little part of him would be glad that the person he percieves as a traitor is going to be locked up. I think as time went by this would change, and he would properly mourn his mate, but so soon after would be a tumult of emotions. And you're right about guilt - Remus had plenty of it. Obviously what I was getting at didn't come out properly in the fic, but thank you for taking the time to discuss it, so I could explain what I was getting at. Hopefully this answer will help you see what I was intending. I'm sorry you didn't connect with the rest of it. As for James in regards to Peter, I just want to draw attention to the time frame again. This is a tiny snippet of time just after James' death, and obviously the feeling of anger and betrayal is going to overshadow everything else at such a time. I'm glad it made you think - that's the point, eh? - and I hope you enjoyed it, despite the weaker points. Lyd.