Hello! I'm Alyssa. I joined this site just after I turned thirteen and I'm still here. Well, I'm here off and on.
Mugglenet is where I read my first fanfic, and it's where I tried submitting my first story. I met some of my best friends here.
This is just a great place.
I don't write very often, and when I do it's short. That'll never change, so never expect anything more than a one shot from me.
To anyone who has given me a review, thank you very much!
My first ever one-shot is Home, and my second is Talking in the Ministry. I don't think they are very good, so read at your own caution.
My stories:
Two is Better Than One - Harry/Hermione
Regret - Dark/Angsty (Molly's POV)
Home - Harry/Ginny
That One Detention - Other Pairing (Rosmerta/OC)
Your Time - Marauder Era (Lily's POV)
True Happiness - Dark/Angsty
Love Reign O're Me - Marauder Era (Remus's POV)
I Get By - Same-Sex Pairing (Crabbe/Goyle)
On my Own - Dark/Angsty (Sirius's POV)
Birthday Surprises - General
What Would You Do? - James/Lily ~ Won QSQ for best Canon Romance
Over and Over - Dark/Angsty (James's POV)
Talking in the Ministry - General
My poems:
Awaiting - A poem about the Final Battle.
Light My Fire - A Dolores/Fudge poem.
Character Haikus - Haikus about HP characters.
The One for Me - James's POV about Lily.
Father - A peom about Harry dying.
Madness - A poem about Azkaban.
What would the official song of Dumbledore’s Army sound like?
That is probably my favorite of the poems that you have made so far. It fits amazingly well. The whole time I was reading this I imagined Harry singing on stage with his microphone stand wearing black leather pants... it was funny. And it still is. :P Hello ron lover! So, you’re imagining Harry in black leather trousers, eh? *snigger, wink* No wonder you keep reading the song, lass! I cannot tell you how flattered I am that you like this so much! Pink Floyd’s song was always an anthem for my generation, because it came out while I was still in primary school, and we used to run about the playground during interval singing (yelling) it with passionate fervour. That’s why it struck me as a good anthem for the DA: they really had reason to rebel against some of their teachers (first Umbridge, then the Carrows). When I wrote this version, I must admit to having Neville, Ginny and Luna in mind because their situation with the Carrows was extremely dire and they would have been in more need of a song like this to rally their spirits while they plotted against them, but it DEFINITELY works with Harry too - especially given how ghastly Dolores was to them! Thank you so very much for this lovely, lovely review, m’dear. You really made my day with it! M J
But, I think that this poem was better, as shocking as it is. (Not because this poem isn't good, it's just that Harry dressed like that is hysterical.) I know the origional song, and I like this version more. It just fits so well. If the DA had a song, and the right person was in charge of choosing it (because Hermione wouldnt go for it), this could so be it.
I can't choose my fovorite stanza. It's impossible. All of it fits so well together. I've read this at least ten times by now, and it just keeps getting better and better.
Actually, if I really had to choose, this would be my favorite longer stanza:
Spout your Pure-blood propaganda,
use your Cruciatus Curse.
We’re strong enough to stand and take it.
we’ve all endured a whole lot worse.
Death! Eater! You will never win!
I just love what it means! It shows how the DA sticks together. (Well, besides that once person...) It also shows that the DE aren't the only bad things in their world. Which is so true.
I was going to quote all of the lines, but a couple minutes ago I realized that I had three-fourths of the poem quoted. >.< That just shows how great of a poem this is and how much meaning it has. It all makes sense, which is amazing. It has so much meaning to it. It shows what all of the kids were ready to do to stand up for what they believed in.
I just can't get over how much I love this poem. Great job. I can't wait to read what else you write. : )
Author's Response:
I may or may not be in school right now. >.<
I love how the first line in every stanza kind of repeats itself. I just love it! It adds to the emotion of the character.
The first stanza is amazing because I really got a feel for how much the person is missing someone. The second stanza is great. The fist line makes me feel for the character. It kinda makes me feel sad. I love how My whole life's a mess fits so well with the line before it. It seems like it wouldn't work, but it does. The last stanza, in my opinion, is the best. I love how the character can't choose if the other person should come back or not. The last two lines in it are just... wow. They make me feel sad for the character.
I love all of the stanzas. They all add something different to the poem. the first one tells me that someone left the character's life. The second shows how much the character misses the person. The third shows how... lost (?) the person is, how sad he is. (I can't think of a better word at the moment.)
But, all of the stanza are so well made that they could go seperetly if you wanted them to. I really want to post all of the lines and tell you what I like about them, but I don't have much time left.
This poem tells so much in so little words. I love it. My word to describe it is, duh duh dun!!:
Wowzers.
This poem is just so good that it deserves a wowzers. (And not the bad kind of wowzers.)
You are such a great poet. All of your poems have so much emotion in them. I wish that I could have half of your tallent with emotion. You need to post more here, Ronnie. *hugs*
Author's Response: Alyssa, you made my day. Omfg. Seriously. Thanks so much for the lovely review. Ily! -Ronnie Xxx
I promised myself that I would wait to read this untill I finished all the writing that needs to be done, but I couldn't stay away for long.
This story blew me away. I think it was better than the first one, if that is possible.
Because I didn't review the first chapter ( :( ) , I thouch on some of that.
I like how he turns to drinking when Lily leaves. Well, I'm not a fan of James drinking, but it makes so much sense. He wouls be so lost because Lily went with Snape.
I think that your writing is some of the best here, because you make me feel so much for the characters. In You Told Me Once, Dear you had me thinking that he is Severus, and not Snape. So every time I thought about him it was always Severus. But after I read this story, it was back to Snape. No one else has ever done that, except for JKR. That is just amazing.
In this chapter, I love James's reaction when Lily returns. I knew that he would act like that (mostly because that's how I would act). He hasn't seen her in years because she was with the person he hates. That would make him feel angry, making it that much harder. They way your wrote that scene is great. You didn't go overboard with it.
In the middle of the chapter... that was one of the best parts. I was wondering how you were going to add that scene. I honestly didn't think of it happening like that. I thought that James died in I Told You Once, Dear. But when I read this I realized that James wasn't even in it.
I think that it was genius how you had Snape there. That whole scene made so much sense for an AU story. I like how James and Sirius were out on a mission, comming back on the moterbike.
I think the characterization in this story is one of the best in the Marauder's Era, and becuase this is an AU story, that is so much better. In all of the situations that everyone is in, everything is right.
One line that id good with James's characterization is this:
"I know," James interrupts. "I know. I get it."
It shows in so few words his feelings towards Snape. He knows how much Snape did for his family, but he doesn't want to accept it. This line shows that so much.
When Sirius is in St. Mungo's, the way James doesn't look at Sirius says so much. He is so lost because everything in his world is falling and he doesn't want to face it. The way you have it written is amazing.
The way you have James change his mind about naming his child Severus in the end is a great way to end this story. It went froma dark story to making me smile.
Your writing is just so great. There are other words I'd use, but I'm not sure how to spell them. I'd love to tell you everything that I love about this story, but it's getting late.
I just can't stop telling you how much I love this story. This is my favorite story here. The plot, the characters, and everything else is so great.
Author's Response: Thanks so much! You always leave such wonderfully detailed reviews :) I had a lot of fun creating this universe, so I'm so happy to know it's enjoyed! And I'm glad you liked how I wrote James in this. I really wanted to do him justice in the situation, but I felt as if I were trying to cram so much into so few words, and I was afraid it wouldn't work. It's good to know you think I've managed to do that!
This story is so cute! I cried a little at the end when Ginny died. It was so sad.
My favorite part was this:
"I think you're missing the main point," he interrupts. "THEY FLEW OUT ON A DRAGON!"
It is so funny! I could imagine that happing if James and Lily were watching him.
I like the idea for this story. I've read others like this, but this one is the best by far. The characterization of James and Lily is great. They are funny and serious at the same time.
I like how you added the Weasley's deaths in this too. I think that's what made this so good. Ginny's reaction while watching Harry is great. It's so sad and powerful.
This is written so well. I just keep reading it over and over again. The title is also amazing. I smile when I see if because it is kinda funny, but it still fits with this semi-sad story.
Great job!
Author's Response: Thank you so much! You always leave the most detailed reviews, which are always the best! I really liked writing the whole thing, but the end was with Ginny was probably my favorite! I'm glad you liked it. I know it's been done before, so I consider it high praise that it among the best :)
Hi, Jenn!
Let me start with the nit-picks. :)
Aiden had not noticed this man; he looked up from his paper, shocked. He must have just steped out of the shower because his hair was wet. He was dressed in a pullover sweater and faded trousers. A rucksack lay at his feet. He was unshaven, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. His hair was wet and combed back, like he just stepped out of the shower. Dora’s fingers brushed the back of his neck and straightened his damp collar. A steaming teacup lay by his hand. He flipped through a publication and sealed a roll of parchment.
You have something about "like he just got out of the shower" twice in that paragraph. I'd get rid of one. As I was reading the paragraph and I got to the second "shower" part it felt like I was reading part of the paragraph over again.
“Not many,” She walked over to the stove and turned off the burner.
You need a lower case 's' in 'she'. There isn't a dialogue tag after "not many".
And I could be wrong here, but weren't there only two female Death Eaters, Bella and one of the Carrows? Is that right? I forget at the moment, but when I read that she was a DE I thought it was wrong.
I'm done with nit-picks now.
He admired their cause, really, he did, and he understood they needed more people on the inside for protection. He just didn’t know if he was ready.
I love those lines. I think that is exactly what would go through the mind of someone presented with the option of joining the Order.
He noticed the editions were sporadic and dated, so perhaps she snatched papers out of bins or pubs.
I like that line too because subtle stuff like that shows that he's an Auror. An observation like that is what makes the character work. (I'm watching Project Runway. ;) )
As I was nearing the end of the story, I was starting to wonder what the plot was. Nothing was really going on that kept me there, you know what I mean? The conversation between Dora and Aiden revealed some stuff, but it didn't really go anywhere. But when he said that he would join, things changed. Knowing that his life was about to become more dangerous, the last few paragraphs became more interesting.
There was a grave satisfaction in his eyes.
I think that is my favorite line in the story. Remus is happy that someone else is going to join and fight, but at the same time, he's going to play an even bigger part in a war so he is risking more. I think you conveyed those emotions very well.
This is a lot better than the first draft, and it was easier to understand. Good job with that!
Hello! I really liked this poem! I think the first three lines capture the Marauder's era very well, I think. Especially the third line. I think they would get a thrill of opposing something to that extent (I know I would). I love the wording of it.
The last line of the first stanza is my favorite. One of the only reasons he didn't go insane is because he practicly lived for Harry. I love how you worded it.
The last stanza is amazing. It's so serious, and it flows so unbelievably well. I'm a bit torn on likeing the (damn) at the end. I think that one word is great for Sirius's characterization. Sirius is a man that jokes and is funny, and it's hard for me to imagine a serious poem about Sirius. Adding (damn) makes this poem so Sirius-ish.
The thing I don't like about it is that it makes the poem not serious. It is such a beautiful poem and I don't want to say that the word ruins it, but the effect isn't there.
There are good reasons to like it and not to like it, and I can't choose which side to take. Oh well. Either way I love your poem. Great job!
Author's Response: Aw, thanks! I'm glad you liked it, and didn't like it. Confusion is such a lovely emotion to inspire. I had to wonder if my lack of punctuation would inspire the wrong type of confusion though.... Glad it doesn't seem to've!
I'm serious about the liking-that-you-didn't-like-it part, because I had to debate for quite a while on the word "damn" myself. It's not a word I use in my daily vocabulary--then there was the part about making the poem less serious. Well, all I can say (in a fairly predictable pun) is that even though the poem became less "serious" it became more "Sirius". Hahaha, you know you wanted to say it, too. :)
If I hadn't put it in there, I'd have just felt awful, leaving him hanging in despair. But Sirius was a resilient character, who could spring back (well, maybe not spring back, but anyway) after twelve years in Azkaban.... So I think that after death, he could have a thought like "damn". And actually, that was what made me want to submit the poem in the first place, because it gave him some input into what I wrote about him. That's him living through my typing right there, I think. Because honestly, nothing else was funny with that poem, but the last line was just a little smile, half-smile, I don't know; it was just a little tip of the hat to Sirius's lack of seriousness (oh that pun again!).
And I just can't stop ranting. Makes you wonder how I kept that poem so small, doesn't it? :) Thank you so much for your review, and you said more than one sentence, and you have lovely grammar, AND you gave constructive criticism. (Plus those compliments were very kind.) You are wonderful!
The hallmark of Dumbledore's Army was their refusal to give in to the darkness that was slowly but surely emcompassing their world. As long as there was a hope, the DA would live on. This is a warning, an invitation, a promise, to one and all that they will not back down until the battle is won.
This poem placed third in the Last Line Standing Challenge in Poetry Anyone. The last words of each line are from a non-HP poem (Robert Frost, but the name of the poem escapes me), but we were to build a new poem around it.
Hello Jess!
This poem blew my mind away. At the beginning I didn't know what to expect, but the first line drew me right in. The flow of this is great. Everything read smoothly. You did a great job with making everything fit with the words given at the end; you made everything work well, even with the harder words.
This poem's meaning is so clear, which makes it so much more fun to read. Beginning with Come one, come all, join us in our cause, is great. Even though I already know what the poem is about, I want to read more to see what happens next. That should be what all first lines are like, especially with poems. I like reading poems, but if the beginning isn't interesting or meaningful, it will be hard to keep my attention. Just the way the first line is worded is enough for me.
The second stanza is my favorite. It reminds me of the Sorting Hat's song, but it's different, it's original. The second line in that stanza, as I was reading it, was my favorite. No warriors who are loyal do we shun,. It sounds so strong. Just like the DA. I think it is worded very well, which is why I like it so much.
But then I got to the next line, and that became my new favorite. Honor is a huge part of the DA. That line made me think of that more. They are proud for standing up against them, and they won't react well to other people not being as proud. (I'm doing a bad job at explaining that.) It also made me think of the DA's weakness, which is trusting (to an extent) anyone who is willing to join up. But good job with making me think of other aspects of HP while reading that line.
That second paragraph is probably my favorite that I've read in awhile. I love it so much. Great job.
With the third stanza, you also had me thinking of the Sorting Hat. I think it's good that you made it seem like the Hat, even if it wasn't your idea to. It just connects to something outside the DA, making this poem, to me, mean so much more. Did you mean to make it sound a bit like the Sorting Hat?
I love how you use 'err'd' in the fifth stanza. You put who the group is against at the end, which is a great ending. If I didn't know who they were against, I think it would mean so much more. But I still love it. :) This stanza provides a strong ending to the poem that doesn't really leave me hanging, and it leaves me with hope for them. They won't back down.
I'm sorry for cutting this review short, but I'm pressed for time. As I've said, this is a great poem that deserves third place.
Author's Response:
Aww, thanks for the lovely review, Lyss!
I wrote this because I wanted some way to show that the DA during DH was strong and would never give in to the Carrows. They were inspired by what Harry was doing, which caused them to do things they might never have done for the sake of sticking it to the Death Eaters in the school.
Did I mean for it to sound like a Sorting song? Not really, but I had just written a Sorting song in Written in the Stars right before I wrote this poem, so that might have spilt into this poem a bit. I like that, however unintentional, it had the same desired effect for you as the reader.
Well, anyhow, wonderful review. Oh, and if you need a crit requirement for PA, this happens to be the poem next in the review circle, so you could double dip (which I may or may not have done last month >.>)
Take care, SPEW buddy!
~Jess
Hello Dinny!
Your first story got validated! Great job! :D
This is an amazing first story. It's not like some of the other first stories I've read, including mine. Your writing is very good. It is very powerful and very emotional, and in some points I thought I might cry.
I love how you use small sentences at the end of each part. I get another wave of emotion, and it makes me feel even worse for him. You don't do it all the time, which makes it even more powerful. Great job with that.
The beginning was nicely set up. I kind of knew what was happening - I didn't know too much and I didn't know too little. I think that last line there was the best in the story. I was saying "oh no" in my head because I knew something bad was going to be revealed later in the story.
In that part, the 'w' in that:
Remus, who had been lying on the ground hungry and tired, asked quietly, “why not?”
should be capitalized.
I like how the next part doesn't say what happened. It leaves me, the reader, wondering what happened. But you write that scene so that I was focused on Remus.
Another reason why it's good that you didn't have the memory there is that it gave me time to come to my own conclusions. Lines like That it wasn’t his fault, and he shouldn’t blame himself? made me think of Snape finding out about Remus being a werewolf.
I love the transition between the second and third scene. It's a great way to get to the memory. How you have Lily there, and not one of the Marauders, makes this scene better, I think. It gives a reason why Lily was there for him. She knows that he's hurting, and she needs to help him get though that; she understands that he shouldn’t be left to deal with it alone. The others don't.
What happened?
I love that line. I imagine it sounding bitter in his head, which fits with how Remus is feeling. Also, it is an amazing way to transition to the memory.
Oh, the memory.
I wasn't expecting that. At all. So that made it all the more powerful. He killed his baby sister. His mom was devastated. At that point I didn't think that it could get any worse for Remus, but then I got to this part:
He had only ever wanted her to be happy.
That just makes me feel so sad for him. All he wanted was for them to be happy, and he messed that up. I can relate to that, and I'm sure other people can too, and that's why it hit me harder than anything else.
Another thing that is good is how you separated the different memories. It brought me back to reality, and it also made me realize that we were finding out what happened, and not Lily.
It was a good idea to add the short memories after that. It shows how Lily's words stuck a chord, and it showed how Remus's friends were there for him
One nitpick in the main memory is in:
He saw his mum who had shining tears streaming down her face, and his dad murmuring words to her, and holding her hand.
You could get rid of the last " , and" and replace it with "while". It would read a bit better like that.
Also, after the memories there's this:
I’ll have to live with this—this pain that always makes me cry out, and bleed inside.
You don't need the comma at the end there.
I love the last few lines. The ending to this story was excellent. Having the last line be Remus's words ends the story with him being helpless, in a way, which makes this ending a powerful one.
I don't think I can say anything constructive about how much I love it, so I'll stop now. :P
After I finished reading the memory part, I was wondering why Dumbledore hired Remus if he killed someone. Surely that wouldn't be received very well by the parents. So I started to doubt that what happened was possible. But then I thought more about it, and didn't Remus say something about how he didn't think Dumbledore should hire him? Something along those lines? So that could go with him being a werewolf and about killing his sister. Great job with keeping that canon.
How did you come up with the idea of Remis killing his sister? I think it's a good idea. It gives a reason why he's so cautious, not that he needs one in his situation.
Remus's characterization is very good in this story. His emotions are so strong, and they still remain IC. He desperately wants people to believe that he didn't want his sister to die and that he isn't a monster because he doesn't want to be alone. I think you write that in a great way because earlier in the story you have Remus think about the Marauders and how he doesn't think he deserves them. Great job with having that in there. I'm sure Remus would feel that way if JKR were to write about him.
I also think Lily is very IC. She's friends with him, so she worries about him. She doesn't press anything too far, because she knows that isn't what he needs. Even though she didn't have that big of a part in the story, I still liked reading her.
The title is also good. It shows that he really didn’t mean for anything bad to happen to him, and also to everyone around him.
I really love this story, Dinny. This is a great D/A. Keep writing and posting stories so everyone can enjoy them. :)
Great job!
Alyssa
Author's Response: Hello, Alyssa! Thank you! :D
Aw, you didn’t cry? Well, at least you said you might . . . *cheeky*
For me, small sentences make up most of the power, not the long paragraphs. It’s like silent epiphanies, and math solutions. The answers are written in a short-length manner, and it’s quite powerful. I’m glad you enjoyed those! :)
The last line of the first scene, I think, was one of my worst sentences because it seemed cliché, and too showy, so I was really surprised when I read that you think it’s the best one. I will be editing it correctly again, and I hope it’ll be the last, lol. Thanks for pointing those out!
Honestly, I can’t believe I wrote the story. As I’m reading one of your epic reviews, it feels like your reviewing someone else’s story, not mine. I’m ultimately happy that you love the transition of the scenes. As I wrote it, it seemed like the story flowed the best in that sequence. Actually, I thought of James being the one who’s comforting him, and Lily disturbing them, but it all seemed too childish, so I settled for Remus being alone with the lovely Lily.
I’m glad you love the “what happened” line. I thought I was being a bit too redundant already, so.. thanks so much! I gave clues in the beginning as to what may have happened and again, I’m surprised it caught you unaware. Yes, I’m sure many people would relate being a disappointment; I’ve been on myself, too.
The short memories were actually added during the last minute. It wasn’t included in the first submission of the story, but as I reread it again, I added it, so I guess it was a good idea since you enjoyed it :D
Truth be told, I didn’t think about Dumbledore’s acceptance of Remus as a professor. XD But I’ve always thought that Remus was guilty almost about every aspect of his life (his friends, family, etc), and I think the story added a bit more into it.
Okay, the bunny came to me when I was thinking of the weekly challenge at the beta boards, and I waited, and waited, and then woosh! It dropped down into my head like some lost cockroach.
I am relieved that you think Remus and Lily are IC. That had to be one of my main dilemmas as I wrote this.
If there’s one thing in the story that I am most proud of, it’s the title. :D I don’t know why, and I also don’t know how it came to me, but it fitted it (to me, anyway).
Thank you so much, Alyssa! Thanks for reading, reviewing and pointing out those mistakes, and for telling me what you think of the fic. I enjoyed reading your review. Thank you, and I will post more stories, and I hope you do, too! (you’re a great writer, too, as far as I can tell).