First off, that story is very intense. In a good way though. The emotions that are conveyed are just breathtaking; you capture the hatred and jealousy with such ease. It was really well done. I love how the spaghetti can be used as a symbol for Bertram’s feelings of betrayal and for their dying relationship That night, even after all of the dishes of food and all of the used plates have vanished, the solitary thread of spaghetti laid untouched on the table. It was brilliant how something so little could spark such emotion through your OC.

Speaking of your OC, he was well-rounded and believable. This is a great feat to accomplish! It was almost refreshing at how formal he was! It fits his character well and he seems like someone that Lily would date (well, at least at first anyway : p) However, you sort of brought this formality into the dialogue, which I think sounded a little awkward in places, such as, “I was simply wondering what exactly is so spectacular about this sliding that you speak of so often, and I thought I’d try it to come to a conclusion myself.” the phrase “that you speak of so often” just sounds too formal to actually be spoken out loud.

Also, I find that there isn’t quite a difference between the way Bertram narrates, and James narrates. The tone is very much the same and I believe that James would be a little more playful, and although he was very smart, he would be less formal and have a narrower vocabulary. Although the James part does put forth the fact that James feels the same way as Bertram, I would have liked the story progress without his input. I quite liked Bertram’s point of view, and I feel that his emotions and narrative are what really make this story interesting. He’s pretty complex, I mean, why stay with Lily? So more insight on his way of seeing would really benefit the reader.

Other than that, this story is amazing! As I said before, it’s so intense and you can feel the tension in both relationships, though more so in Bertram’s and Lily’s. It’s a creative plot and something different to add to the Lily/James category. I must admit that from the summary I was surprised at the story I got! I never would have thought about such a thing and it’s so amazing and fairly rare to come across stories like that in the romance category.

Another thing I really liked was the connection between the Marauders in the third chapter. You write them nicely together and they act like a real team (though I would have liked to see a little more of Remus and Peter. Perhaps in future chapters? : D ). One thing I especially loved was the whole scene where Lily accuses Sirius for being who he is because of his blood line! Brilliant! My jaw actually dropped as this happened. her reference to the condescending pure-blood families hits Sirius sharply and cuts him more deeply than most other comments could have done. You knocked Sirius right down to the core and portrayed him as canon as possible. Great job!

You have a real piece of art here and I really hope that you can find the time to finish it off. What you have so far is amazing – good job!

Author's Response: This is the first time I've logged into my account in almost two years, and I was greeted first with your review! Wow -- thanks SO much -- I can't tell you how much I appreciate getting such helpful, detailed, enthusiastic responses to my writing and so for precisely that, thank you! :) I'm so glad that you're enjoying Bertram's perspective, and I'm especially happy that you found him to be believable. I like sticking to canon as much as I can and then filling in the gaps while taking (some) creative license, but for me, that means trying to stick to the integrity of the characters and the settings that JKR has given us. When I saw Bertram Aubrey's name mentioned very, very briefly in HBP as a character of the Marauder era, I decided to write a J/L fic with a different perspective -- hopefully I was successful in "creating" a character in Bertram that fits both the time and the people around him! Like you said, when I was writing from James's perspective, I chose not to deviate much from the formal style I had used in the Bertram chapters, but I did it because I wanted to give James a more reflective, matured, introspective nature (at least in his 7th year :P and at least in the first chapter from his perspective) than perhaps how he's portrayed in other fics. I imagine that the Marauder era was simultaneously an exciting and trying time, and while I completely LOVE James's playfulness and informal charm (and I'd absolutely love to write in coming chapters), I wanted to begin the fic by setting a slightly more serious -- and consequentially a more formal -- general tone (which, like you said, makes the fic intense). In my mind (and this might be just me), James had changed enough by Seventh Year that like Lily, he, too, had his moments of tension and anxiety that sometimes masked his mischievousness, and that's the facet of James's personality that I sought to portray in that chapter. It is true, though, that Bertram's and James's styles seem almost too similar, and I'll definitely try to remedy this next time. I'm happy you liked the heavy Marauder presence in the third chapter, too! If I start writing again -- which I think I will do today... -- I most definitely will incorporate more scenes with Peter and Remus into the fic in the future! :) :) Again, thanks so much for your review! Hopefully (if I can manage to battle writer's block and be creative again) I'll be continuing this story! :)

Hey there!

This one-shot was a really good idea! I like seeing how people explore different characters, and James is one of my favourite characters, so I enjoyed reading this take on what goes on in his mind! I like how you characterised him here, and how he feels about himself and Lily. We see a little insecurity, especially with how he “needs” Lily, which is interesting because he acts so confident on the outside.

I think you captured the human thought very well in this piece! James sort of jumps around through a lot of different thoughts and emotions and it made me realise how jumbled and random my thoughts can be sometimes! Things are also repeated a lot which is something we tend to do when we rant, so I liked how you incorporated that into your story. I like how you incorporated the angry moments, like when he decides that “If she doesn’t want me around, then fine, I won’t be.” And says things on impulse whereas later he says the he’ll “just have to try a little bit harder”. I think there should have been a little more anger in this fic though. There wasn’t enough for me, and I think James would be seriously mad at how much effort he is putting into Lily and how she keeps blowing him off.

Another thing that would have worked more effectively were clear cut repetitions. For example, instead of writing “Like I’ve said, I’ve tried.” Just writing “I’ve tried.” As it’s own separate paragraph would have worked really well and have more of impact on the reader. Same with “Like I said, I’m the exception.”, if you were to just write “I’m the exception” I think the reader would feel more sympathy towards James as he restates his point, without pointing out that he is restating his point.

I want to finish with something else that I liked though, you tended to have James just trail off from one point and start thinking about Lily’s character, which is very real and sweet. Like when he says “I’ve tried to make her care, to make her see that I care. And it hurts me even more, that she probably never will.

She cares about things…” And then he goes on to everything she cares about it. I think it’s brilliant and very touching how much attention James pays attention to her and it makes their romance more tragic to the reader.

Very good story, I can’t wait to read your “sequel”! Keep up the good work!

-Sarah

Author's Response: Hi Sarah! I'm not usually one to respond to reviews, but this was so long and thorough, I felt if you spent this much time on my story, the very least I could do is respond. :) I really appreciate the fact that you liked the bouncing around, mostly because that's one of my favorite parts of this little fic. I do like your comment about the repetition. I had never realized how many times I said certain things (though it was on purpose) and how simply repeating them could be a bit more effective. I'll look into it! I hope you like the sequel, though I do like this one a bit better Thanks for reading! -Kel

This story was beyond cute and I loved every little second of it! Romance fics are so great once in awhile, don’t you agree?

Ron was portrayed perfectly here. The fact that he wanted to do something special, but didn’t know how to go about it was exactly how I imagined things would go. Some fictions show Ron as being totally useless and clumsy and would have had him blurt out the question, but he didn’t want that to happen in your story, which shows some insight on Ron’s mind and how much he loves Hermione. Hermione was also nicely portrayed, especially with the line She laughed. “No, I’ve got a wedding to organise now! Just think of how much there is to do. Who else knows about today?” I love how Hermione jumps straight to planning the wedding; she’s always been very organized and easily excited which is shown wonderfully through this one line. Your minor characters were also written carefully, staying true to who they were. I giggled at how McGonagall ”was positively beaming to see them”, though I think her character could have used a little more attention. We don’t really see her strictness in this story as we do in the books; this was probably just because she was so excited for the couple so maybe a word here and there to describe how she felt about the two former students would have improved her character. Also, the way that Harry proposed to Ginny was priceless. I never imagined something like that happening, but it’s just so perfect and so very likely of Harry to do that while flying and doing what he loves, with the person he loves. Very creative, good job!

What I also liked about this story was that it wasn’t rushed. I see a lot of romance one-shots that speed through everything and get right down to the point. This is good at times if that’s what you want, but you showed a very real way of how things would actually happen. They took a walk through Hogsmeade, went shopping and even stopped into the Three Broomsticks. This interaction between Ron and Hermione was just great to see. I thought it was nice how they were shown to be acting like friends, instead of a love-sick couple – I really believe that Ron and Hermione wouldn’t be ones to publicly show their affection for one another.

There a few missing words in some places, and a quotation should go after “…But I suppose you’re right - we did have some nice trips here when we were younger.” I had to double back after because it didn’t make sense how Hermione would say She took his hand and they started walking ;)

Overall this was a nice little read. I got shivers when Ron was proposing to Hermione! I enjoyed reading this very much, you did a wonderful job. I hope you can get around to finishing it off soon!
Cheers!

Hey Dream Team!

That was a good start to your story! Your writing is so light and joyful; it makes the story sound so happy and energetic. You must have been in a good mood while writing it =).

It was nice to see how you incorporated the canon scene of how James and Sirius met, along with Lily and Severus. It was a nice touch to show it from James’ point of view, which I really enjoyed.

The characters in your story could have been a little more in depth, though. I feel that you skimmed through the characters and only stated what we know from the books. When Peter goes to sit down with the other three, he kind of just sits there and that’s that. What were James’ thoughts about him? Did he feel he could become close friends with him? And why did he like Sirius so much? A little more exploration with the characters in future chapters could greatly improve your fic. If you need some idea of what struggles the marauders are going through internally, there’s a nice little thread on the Beta Boards for each of the characters. There’s always a helping hand to guide you through exploration on the Boards too =)

Another little nitpick I have is that the marauder’s seem to become friends so easily. Remus didn’t even introduce himself, but he’s calling James his mate a couple of lines down. The friendship was a little rushed, and I know that you probably want to get on with the story, but sometimes the small things can create a world of a difference.

All in all, wonderful chapter! By the way, I forgot to mention, I love the title! It’s a nice play with the ‘map’. I’ll certainly be waiting to find out what happens to the marauders!
Happy Writing! Cheers.

Author's Response: WOW! thats quite a fantastic and long review! first i would like to thank you for all the tips! I know i havent developed the characters very well, but i hope i can explain them a little better as the story goes on! ya about the mate thing... isnt it sort of a british thing? in my own little head it sorta is equivalent to dude... im probably VERY off tho! sigh... how i wish i had an accent... yeah this first chapter was really hard because i thought of an idea for a story and then i was like, "now how in the world am i sposed to start it?" anyhu, thank you for the review! i really appreciate all of your advice! thanx!!!! :D

Hey majestic_ginny,

This story was a funny take on how the siblings might actually behave. Having siblings myself, I know how frustrating it is to be blamed for something I didn’t do, so I can see where James is coming from here.

You really made Albus to be a nasty little thing!

"I enjoy it," Al smirked. “Oh, and mind your language, or else you’ll have that from Mum too.”

He makes me angry here, and I like how well you wrote that whole scene to transfer James’ anger onto the reader. It was well-done and you definitely succeeded in making Albus look like the bad one! As for James, I think a little more could have been added. If he knew that Albus was mean and liked to prank him, then why did he always fall for his tricks? Why was it so important for James to follow through on Albus’ dares, even though he probably knew he would get into trouble for them? Some thoughts from James’ view could enhance your story.

I also liked how you portrayed Harry here. Father Harry is always hard to write for me, but I think you had the right balance. He needed to punish his children, but didn’t want to be too harsh about it, which was just in between being too strict and too slack. It was nicely done.

Your flow was nice and it made the story easy to read which was nice to see. I was confused at one point though, with the line He's such a liar! he yelled venomously. You have the dialogue tag there, ‘he yelled’, but the actual quote is italicized and not put into quotations. You either forgot the quotation marks, or meant to write that he thought it. Once you clarify which one James is doing, then it will become clearer to the reader.

The plot was really good for this story! It was creative and a funny situation for the family. You did an awesome job with this and I liked reading it. Keep up the good work!

Author's Response: Heya! Thanks for the review! It was really fun to write this story, since everyone writes about a good Al and an Ebil James, so I thought I could write the opposite! It was a kind of challenge for me, and in the end I managed it. I kinda got the idea from the popular TV show "Drake and Josh", you see! :P And Harry was the biggest challenge... I had written a very harsh Harry at first, but HJG told me it was a BBIIGG mistake. I had to edit the WHOLE thing again, lol. Anyways, thanks for the uber lubbly review!!! Here's your cyber cookie... ------Nadia

Russia, Russia, Russia.

That opening. Was amazing. I actually felt like I was watching a movie as oppose to reading! Seriously, how does that happen?

Your description, as everyone else has said, is wonderful. It’s so detailed, yet concise, and literally paints a picture in the reader’s mind. The paragraph about the shop, The shop front was small and relatively uninteresting. It was dingy and the brown paint was cracked and peeling. A large sign, written in chipped antique style letters read “Dargen’s Antiques”. draws you in. I know you say it’s uninteresting, but the uninteresting things in stories are usually the most interesting! (By the way, I love the name of the shop =P).

I like all of the little details you had in there, like her seeing the rocking horse and the violin. Speaking of the violin, let’s put a quote in here, “it was an old violin, two of the strings were snapped and the bow was nowhere in sight.” First off, you don’t just tell us it’s old, you actually showed us (bonus marks), and you could have just said that the bow wasn’t there, but instead you said it was missing, adding in a sense of sight and mystery (double extra chocolate bonus marks). You knew exactly what Jenna was doing in that shop, and you brought us there with you! And I am so glad you brought us there.

One itty bitty nitpick (there always has to be a nitpick, doesn’t there?), half of your story is in italics, girl! Am I missing something? Is it suppose to be that way? It’s not a big issue… just something I thought I’d point out. =)

Oh, oh, oh! Jenna turned to look again at the intricately carved wooden chest, “How did you...” Jenna began, turning back to the man. But the old man, was gone. I love this part! It’s such a classic mystery moment. It brings out the fantasy of the story, and I get chills thinking about Jenna’s position.

To sum it up, you and your story are awesome, so don’t keep me waiting for more!

Author's Response: Oh Sarrrrah! I love you so much! This review makes me smile so much! I am so glad you like my description, when I write I always have a very very clear picture in my head, and I am so glad that I am able to convey that picture to my readers! Describing the antiques shop was SO much fun! I love old antique shops, and the story behind every object. So it was very fun for me to write. No it isnt supposed to be in italics, italic tags hate me >.< Thankyou Sarah! I am so so so sorry that I HAVE kept you waiting for more! I promise I will have the next chapter up soon! Russia xxxxx

Hey Russia dear! :)

This story was really good, of course! I wouldn’t expect anything different from you! I’ve never really read anything from Hannah’s POV, but the way you understood her and wrote her seems really well thought out. The only part I didn’t quite understand about her character was when she was happy to see only one owl. I know that she doesn’t want to get older, but surely she would have felt SOME sadness. Maybe it’s just me, but I say things that I usually don’t mean, one of them being when it’s my birthday and I say I don’t want anything, I actually would like something ;) Other than that though, her character was convincing; especially as a twenty-nine-year old woman, which is something you should be proud of! Sometimes writing out of your own age can be difficult, but if it was, it doesn’t show here!

I feel like the story is a tad bit rushed and Hannah just kind of shoots from one scene to the next. She wakes up, goes to work, leaves work, runs from Susan, goes to St. Mungos, goes to see Neville. I think a little more dialogue and thought process in every scene would have made the story really come to life. Also, more explanation as to why Susan and Roger, two wizards, were walking around muggle London would have helped; I find it very unusual how she runs into both of them on a muggle street. It seems like wizards and witches tend to stay more to the wizarding communities than to be apart of the muggle ones. I actually thought that maybe when she met Roger she would suddenly feel some old connection with him and they would end up together! I just don’t see the reason for Roger showing up in this story. It would have been less confusing if it was a random muggle who brought her somewhere.

The ending too, feels a little rushed. Especially how Hannah just throws in how she is pregnant:

“Neville, I love you more than words can say. I am sorry too, the breakup was stupid and I have been regretting it ever since. I never stopped loving you.” She paused. “And... I’m pregnant”

For some reason, having her saying that she’s pregnant at that moment, loses the effect of everything she just said for me. It kind of sounds like, “oh I love you because I’m pregnant and I have to.” Now I know that is NOT what you were going for, but the way it was placed makes it feel like that. Maybe if you left that for a later scene or somehow brought it up a little more casually, sort of eased into it, I think it would have been better. Other than that though, I do love the conversation between Neville and Hannah.

Neville’s speech to her is so touching and cute! I love how he just spills everything out into one long breath; like he knew everything he was going to say and then suddenly had to say it all at once. It was very in character of him to just rant it all out, I think, because it shows the brave Gryffindor in him to say what’s on his mind.

This is getting to be quite long, so I think I shall stop there. You did a great job and I absolutely love how you took the prompt and turned it into this! It’s very creative and well written. Keep writing! Cause you’re amazing at it :)

See ya on the boards! xoxox

-Sarah

Hey Wendy!

This fic caught my eye as soon as I read the title. I love reading fics about growing up and acceptance; and Dudley’s acceptance of the wizarding world was really nice to see. I completely agree that this is how it would happen, and that Dudley and Harry would become quite close in their later years of life. Dudley was very in character for me when he stood up to Vernon on having his son be a wizard; I think the events in Dudley’s life with Harry really changed his perspective on wizards and the wizarding world, and you clearly captured that in his character.

The only thing that I think could change in this fic is the formality of it all. I feel like everyone is speaking way too formal for the occasion and it makes it sound less emotional and almost detaches the reader from the story by not being able to connect to the characters.

“Mother Petunia, who was at the door?”

“One more word, Aunt, and I will Silence you and not allow you to speak again,”

I’ve never heard anyone call someone Mother before and it seems a little awkward; the second reads awkwardly too as it’s quite a mouthful and just doesn’t seem like something someone would shout out. I do, however, like the part when Petunia starts talking about the Weasley family, “You’d think they’d never heard of soap, or does your kind not use soap? That little girl looked to grow up and be just as much of a nothing as her mother. Married into poverty and breeding more freaks than she could feed…” It’s very full of wicked emotions and is exactly something that she would say.

I’m a little confused as to why Dudley and his wife are with Petunia and Vernon. Do they live with them, or are they just visiting? I would find it a little odd that Dudley lived with his parents when he had a family; surely his mum and dad would kick him out sometime!

I like how you ended this story, having Harry think about Dudley meeting his family. It’s very heart-warming and makes me smile! :) I really do think that Dudley and Harry would become close and your ending suggests that. I’d love to see how things turned out afterwards in Diagon Alley, and even see how Christopher does at Hogwarts! I suppose I’ll just have to imagine… unless a really great writer would like to put it into words ;)

Great story with a great plot, I loved it! Keep up the good work, and hopefully I can see more about Christopher and Dudley from you in the future!

-Sarah

Wow, Annalise, I’m so glad you told me you turned this into a one-shot! I had no idea, though a second look at your drabble thread made me kick myself for not checking back earlier!
I think a proper review is in order. The beginning was all new to me and I really enjoyed it! The first part with Fred during the Battle was tear jerking for me, actually! To know what really happens to Fred in the series makes my heart break every time. But you did a wonderful job at mending it

Hi-ya Sarah!

Your story had me hooked right from the summary! I read it and thought “Wow, that’s so neat to have a story of Harry when he was little”. As you can tell, I haven’t come across many of these stories! It was intriguing to see Harry at such a young age and before he knew about magic and wizards. Sometimes I forget that there was a time when Harry knew nothing about his past.

The POV change was a little sudden and lost some effect of the story, but you picked it right back up again with the memories “She remembered, as if someone had plunged her heart into a bucket of ice, her own bitter disappointment at the absence of her own letter.” The same absent feeling that Harry felt a few paragraphs early, daydreaming about having a loving family, is nicely paralleled by his aunt with this sentence and it brings back the characters sinking tone of disappointment.

What I love the most about this story is that while the characters set themselves in a rather discouraged atmosphere, the story itself has a light heartened-ness to it. The setting itself is joyous; the summer season and the kids game at a birthday party actually put a smile on my face, even though it was sad with what happened to Harry. Also, the use of the flower brought encouragement and a bright outlook, I think, for the characters. It represents everything that Harry wants, and Petunia wanted; fantasy, belonging and being loved. The brokenness of the flower at the end, lying in “sad ruin” was tragic, but knowing what happens to Harry and the amount of love he gains, I only see the positive! : p

I really loved reading this story, even the second and third time! You wrote it so perfectly, it’s amazing. Awesome job!

-Your fellow Gryff, Sarah