I am literally LOL-ing at 'SCORE!' That's just--oh so tacky, but oh so funny as well. I'm surprised Alicia puts up with it, let alone Katie tbh. Anyway--to start being relatively coherent: There were many things I enjoyed in this chapter. Firstly the plot thickening--for some bizarre reason I suspect Pansy is in some way behind this, but maybe that's because she's on my mind atm. I loved the awkwardness between Harry and Katie, and him being lovely and apologising, and then when he kisses her--oh that was very sweet.

I like the way that, though they were at school together for so many years, but don't know basic information about each other--like that Katie's grandmother is a Muggle-born, and Katie not knowing about the Dursleys. It's very realistic.

I also loved the way you reveal information. There's no info-dump, but it's kind of obvious that there's something between Harry and Katie throughout, and that George and Katie had history, even if Harry didn't pick up on it :p

I also loved the lines about having a thing for Quidditch players--and also the wya you broke Ginny and Harry up. I never thought of that, but that's very realistic actually. Harry does have a more forgiving character than Ginny, and it's incredibly believable. Anyway, I am very eager for the next chapter. Alex

Author's Response: I had to really think of a credible reason for breaking them up because I kept coming back to the fact that when he was facing death, his last thought was of her. So growing apart didn't work. I also don;t think ginny is as forgiving as Harry. I don;t blame her for that; it still amazes me that harry spoke up for Lucius - ughhh - he should have gone to Azkaban! Howwever, he didn't. Then I ran my idea past Lori, who is canon shipper extraordinnaire and it passed her scrutiny. THAT!

Oh, I think Alicia just loves having sex - ha ha ha.

Thank you for R and R'ing. Means a lot. ~Carole~

Oh Gods, Jess, that was beautiful. My sole criticism would be that it's too short. I love the present tense and ha, for once, the italicised flashbacks didn't annoy me, probably because they were short, perfectly chosen fragments, rather than long extended ones. There are so many things I love about this--the way you sketch Marlene's character so brilliantly in so few words, and then Remus' horror at her being defined by what she's left behind, and how it doesn't represent who she is adequately enough. That sentence is too long.

And the way that all this spirals from the photograph, and his horror at her death, and the screaming--I love your use of the word "putrefying" for the Dark Mark on the sky. And I also like how you hint at things--like the fact they've broken up when she dies, but you don't find out exactly when until right at the end. And when she proposes ( :) )and he doesn't know what to do--this is an incoherent review. But this story is beautiful. Alex

Author's Response:

It is kind of hard to respond to such loveliness. This isn't how my head canon goes at all, but I was trolling you tube, heard this song, and knew right away that this was what the story had to be. It was sort of perfect. I'm really glad you like it and wish I could respond on something besides my phone...stupid attack page thing. :/

~Jess

Carole, this story was utterly beautiful, and I hope this review does it justice. The way in which you take a character rarely written about, Benjy Fenwick (whose name and backstory has always intrigued me) and one who is much written about, Sirius Black, and given them a relationship making it realistic and sad and poignant, is amazing.

Firstly, I loved the way you structured this story. It seems so simple, and yet by taking that one canon line of only finding bits of him, and from that develop little insights into Sirius and Benjy’s relationship based on a body part, all of which develop into something much greater than the sum of their parts. I particularly liked the way you start with the focus on certain limbs and then end on Heart, which is all the more intimate, and also the one part of Benjy that it wouldn’t be possible to recover, in terms of its emotional, rather than literal meaning. I also think the present tense worked wonderfully for this. I know it’s not your favourite of tenses, but you wouldn’t be able to tell, as you command it so well, with it always feeling natural and never forced. I think this is helped by the lack of exposition within this story--everything is shown through the character’s dialogue, thoughts and actions, rather than in info-dumps, which not only helps it flow but allows the reader to draw their own conclusions regarding Sirius and Benjy’s respective views of each other, before certainly Sirius, is aware of how Benjy feels about him.

Your characterisation was spot on. You write Sirius so well, and I think here his characterisation shines through your writing. Part of what I love, is how well you show him growing up. From his reaction to Octavia’s interest, to him comparing the difference to him as a new Order recruit to the older Benjy to that, but also being more mature in and of himself. His line to Benjy about him having his friends, and that being enough to him, encapsulates and extends JK’s characterisation for him perfectly--a man who would do anything for his friends, and who’s whole world is his friends. This does not tie with Benjy being romantically interested in him, and that provides a lot of poignancy and emotion in your story--with Benjy’s love being unrequited, and Sirius in a way incapable of requiting anyone’s love, other than that of his platonic friends. Your characterisation of Benjy was also very interesting--the popular boy, with a crush on the younger one and he seems somewhat embarrassed by it, particularly when they are thrown together in later life and his feelings have not changed.

Your characterisation of the minor characters within your story was also excellent. I loved the way Sirius refers to Lily as Evans, and how her relationship with James seems to be a snipe-y one, rather than purely hate/ love. Her conversation with him later was also beautifully written and in character. Also I love the way you tie in Benjy’s warning about Octavia’s brother, to Octavia later saying that he’d be shocked at seeing Sirius with her, not because it’s someone fooling with his sister, but someone fooling with the man he hero-worships girlfriend.

The sex, or more like foreplay, is excellently written. I found it interesting that there was actually more passion in Octavia’s flirting with him, and Benjy’s kiss at the end, then in the actual sex in between those two. That scene was short, but realistic and so well written. However it also lead into the moment of realisation for Sirius of just how important his friends are to him, as well as that rather touching meeting with Benjy. If not for that, then this would be one of the few moments which didn’t involve him, and since he is the story’s focus, from Sirius’ perspective, it was clever to include. And with the growing realisation that Benjy fancies Sirius on the reader’s, if not the author’s part, how the moment when their hands touch is very sad and tender. As they are thrown together in Order business later, the way in which you have Benjy take the blame for Sirius and then Sirius’ confusion to Benjy’s behaviour, was a nice way of showing Sirius’ not being able to understand how Benjy feels about him, in a similar way to the fact he doesn’t seem able to understand the way Lily and James feel about each other, although he accepts that their love is genuine.

My only crit is a rather shallow one of formatting. The way you had two spaces, and then the title, and then a single line, looked somehow top-heavy. I think it would look neater as either both double spaces, or both single, but this is a very minor point.

This was a very cleverly written, emotional and beautiful story, one of my favourites of yours, and best of luck with the competition. Alex

Author's Response: Sorry that it's taken me a while to respond to this, Alex. I was actually rather stuck for a reply. Thank you very much for such a lovely and comprehensive review of this story which is a fic that rather surprised me. Initially supposed to be a one off heat of the moment shag after a mission, I soon found I had something else on my hands when Sirius took a different turn. ha - I don't usually think of characters as having their own will - it smacks of 'musedom' to me, but what I'd written lent itself to this isolation Sirius feels... so there you go.

One thing I was pleased you picked up on, was the way 'heart' was at the end, because there was a very deliberate policy here with that, and also (not sure you realised) but 'heart' wasn;t mentioned in the context of Benjy, but only as a reference to Sirius not being 'broken-hearted.'

Anyway, that was it really, Thank you so much for this review, Alex, and I'm glad you liked the story. ~Carole~

KARA--I am here. I’m on the train, but have all your story up, so instead of leaving one review now and then, this will be as I go along, and then I’ll post the whole thing when I have internet again. I hope that’s okay.....

SO Chapter 1--well this is an interesting set up, isn’t it? I really like your Bill--he seems relaxed, but a good friend, and someone who really enjoys his job and the people he’s with. Althea and Natasha both seem interesting, (why do I suspect Althea is not being entirely honest about why she’s there?) and I’m looking forward to the next chapter. There’s something really nice about this one--the description of the desert at the beginning was just lovely, and you really got a sense of Bill’s love of the place and what he’s doing there. Which, given he goes back to England in OOTP, shows his commitment to the Order, and perhaps Fleur. The description was lovely-=I think it would have been nice to have--like more reminders of the setting during the dialogue around the campfire, if that makes sense. Oh, but I love the nickname Nifflers. That’s nice :)

I LOVE the idea that the Prewetts were good drinkers :) The relationship between Marcus and Bill is nice--it’s a bit laddish, but also familiar and close--the Bill/Marcus (not in a slash-y way) dynamic is kind of similar to Harry/Ron in that it must be hard to be friends with someone who always seems better than you--but I like that Bill acknowledged in Marcus’ shoes, he wouldn’t accept help either.

I love how much thought you’ve put into this. I may have given up on archaeology academically, but I still find it fascinating, and the way you’ve related the two is really thoroughly thought through and interesting to read. But then I’m a nerd :) I also liked the danger of the job, and Bill’s confidence, in contrast to Marcus worrying. OOH Eavesdropping-- have you read Agatha Christie’s Murder In Mesopotamia? This is reminding me a bit of that--in the set up in the desert/ people saying things they shouldn’t (ha, I was right about Althea!)...I am definitely hooked. That’s interesting that she’s so well known, and intelligent, and Roger is not willing to be with her to ride off that/ and she seems to have quite an obsessive side, talking of making Roger hers, and Roger declaring that he’s not her toy. I respect Roger for that

Chapter 3: You started this with archaeologists, and for the first time I noticed that you switch between calling them that and calling them Magiarchaeologists and I’m not sure why. Magiarchaeologists is a bit of a mouthful, but it’s a nice reminder of this being firmly fanfiction (and a very plotty, fun one at that :) ) so keeping it consistent might be an idea. It’s up to you though. Also while talking of consistency, I thought you used Brit English on LJ and AIM but here you’re using US. Or have I just forgotten? And lol at Marcus clearing his throat to return Bill to reality. There’s obviously something there between them--neither are being particularly subtle and discreet, so I’m not giving it long before they’re unable to keep their hands off each other. Hmm...I’m not sure I like hieroglyphs which are not magic being described as ones which “only served decorative purposes.” It seems to demean them somehow, in quite a superior pureblood way which is unlike Bill. Bill can read hieroglyphs though. I don’t know why that didn’t quite twig before--I’m not sure whether to be jealous of him or love him all the more. I love the tension of the three of them being underground, and the danger of a potential curse, and the way you build up Bill’s concentration. OOH gold!! So much gold....This is very exciting...

Chapter 4: LOL at “you never forget your first” and Bill being awkward about it. Oh, this is so exciting. I told you, from the second I knew it was set in Egypt, I would end up reading it. I get a shiver down my spine at words like sarcophagus and Bastet. It’s interesting that now Marcus thinks everything’s fine, he’s much more lax about the rules, and it takes Bill to tell him that. At first I thought he might have been hit by a spell....I like Bill’s attitude to the rules. It’s relaxed, but when he knows there’s a reason, like regarding the sarcophagus, he knows what to do. OH what did he see? Kara, this is so exciting! I don’t read page-turners like this that often, but I am well and truly hooked.

Chapter 5!! NSFW and probably NSF a train, but hey, it’s sunny and this story is fun and I’m happy that I’m going home. Oh, I meant to say--your chapters are such perfect lengths. Enough happens in them that the plot whisks along, and you write so well--it’s really elegant and smooth and doesn’t feel worked over at all, which I think if I attempted to write something like this, it would. It’s really enjoyable to read. Ooh Mahon and Althea. It’s a bit odd that Bill’s known Mahon longer, but calls him by the surname, and Althea by her first. Tea and rum? I will have to try that one day. I love the idea of them exchanging stories around the campfire--it’s such a lovely thing to do, and has this strange sort of power that you get across brilliantly and so simply, with the detail of the moon, ad Natasha and Bill together. WHY is Althea calling to Ragnok’s health? Was it him who Marcus saw? I get the feeling that something other than Natasha and Bill getting together will happen tonight...it seems to be building up to something. Your Bill is rather adorable. At the beginning he’s rather confident and brash, but he’s kind of awkward and caring with Natasha, even though he obviously wants her and she obviously wants him. The sexual tension between them is incredible.

This is so romantic, and beautiful, and lovely! But part of me was thinking making out on sand can’t actually be that comfortable, so thank God for magic and their sense of practicality regarding that. I KNEW something was going to happen--And he’s dead! Hmm I’m guessing Althea either didn’t do it, or had a cast-iron alibi. Oh, this is exciting :)

Chapter 6: That was not an accident. I wonder when they’ll work it out....Marcus is quick -- it’s sweet of Bill to reassure him, even though he has his own doubts. This sentence: It wasn’t until he had made his way halfway through the colony of tents that he realised where most of the members of the expedition that would usually be enjoying calling it an early day had got to. is a bit clumsy. It’s, ha, the first clumsy sentence of yours in however many thousands of words this is, but that’s probably why it stood out so much. It definitely needs some commas, and could perhaps be phrased a bit more concisely. Poor Margaret-I liked her. I like the way how Bill was investigating himself anyway, but is now doing so formally. It makes his position more fixed--and he has a licence to be nosy now--even if the focus is still ostensibly on curses, which is always helpful. OOH I like Stadwell. That’s clever. Incredibly clever on the part of the murderer/ attempted murderer, but also on him for having noticed it. Also he’s right-his job is to state the facts, it’s now Bill’s job to theorise. And I like the way he’s considering the practicalities of how a curse can be designed to target specific people--it’s an interesting train of thought to follow. The description of Margaret being so ill was also poignantly done.

OOH the tap. Did I mention that earlier? It annoys me so much when someone leaves the tap dripping, so I meant to....Oh don’t let anything happen to Bill! The tension!!! And delaying telling us what Bill sees so the horror increases--that was powerful. And god, that’s a rather terrifying image. That last section--Bill’s panic--was just magnificent. UPDATE SOON!!!!!!!!!!! I’m enjoying this so much. I hope this review makes some sort of sense. Alex

Author's Response: Aleeeeex

FIrst of all, I love you so much for this review. I totally wasn't expecting it, especially not so soon, and not something of this length! It's absolutely magnificent! :D


Okay, so how do I respond to this...

1st Chapter: Ah, about the setting... I love writing dialogue, and I think I get caught up in it sometimes and forget the descriptive parts about the surroundings within the dialogue. And yeah, I always wonder whether Bill ever went back to this job after the war was over, at least for a couple of weeks per year.

2nd Chapter: I'm glad you like the dynamic between Bill and Marcus. I really wanted to show that they were friends, without shoving the reader's face into it. And haha, yes, Agatha Christie is probably always going to be my favourite Mystery writer. I love the way her detectives do their detecting, and the character and humanity her stories always have.

3rd Chapter: Yeah, I switched to archaeologists because Magiarchaeologists was beginning to feel like too much if I used it too often. I'll have to think this over and might change it though. OH and thanks for pointing out the Americanism, I'll have to fix that too. The thing about the Muggle hieroglyphs is that to Bill's job, they serve no purpose at that moment. They tell of the pharaoh's life, not of any curses or clues as to where the actual treasure might be, so he dismisses them. I'm sure that under different circumstances, Bill would have stopped to give them a read, but not if he's about to uncover a hidden passageway.

4th Chapter: Haha I was a bit nervous that you'd start picking holes into my Egypt, because I'm sure you know a ton about the country and archaeology, so I'm all the happier that you seem to like it!

5th Chapter: Thank you SO much for that huge compliment on my writing! Especially since we were talking about our writing processes just the other night. I really want this story to be gripping, so I thought for a while about the ideal chapter length for each section and stuff like that. Ah, hahaha it's actually funny that you picked up on the first name/surname thing because whenever I mentioned Althea Chubb's name, I did not know whether to call her Miss Chubb, Chubb, or Althea... The main reason Bill calls Papadopoulus by his last name though is that he's still his main superior. And wow, your gut feeling is good with these predictions! :D

6th Chapter: You're right that the sentence is clumsy, and I actually did ponder over it for a while. The problem is that rules-wise, there is no space for a comma in there, so I'll probably have to rewrite it to make two sentences or something like that... or so that at least there's room for a comma. I like Stadwell too -- he didn't even really have a role originally, but I just ended up liking him as a sort of man of science in there.

7th Chapter: I hate it when I notice that there's a tap dripping somewhere because once you hear it, you just can't tune it off in your mind. Especially when something is keeping you up anyway...


Oh Alex, thank you so much for the review! It made my entire day, and kept me smiling for hours. Thank you thank you! I'll update... soonish. Maybe tonight, actually.

WHAT THE ************ (which I don’t think is a swear word recognisable in English but still). MARCUS!! I liked him! That was sneaky.

Though even as he said it, I thought that while Marcus is playing a crucial role in sandstorm prevention is not the right time to ask, but can understand Bill wanting to get it off this chest. I loved this line: “He relished every grain and the strain that it brought on his mind and muscles.” and the fact that it comes when Bill knows it’s Marcus, but we don’t makes Bill’s desire for some physical feeling rather than an emotional one, heightened. I love the description of the sand hitting Marcus, and Natasha jumping in--it was very well-written, and so quick and rather sad.

AND THE TEASER. I like that Bill feels for his friend, and even as the interrogation went on, by saying, “is that possible”, afterwards and talking about the curse with Stadwell, all of that shows how good a friend is, and in spite of what Marcus did, is willing to help him in any way he can. Oh, and Stadwell, I am rather fond of him. Yes they are going to do something semi-illegal, but if they do that, then they will do it properly and with minimum harm. Please write more about him. And Bill, more about Bill.

I suspected there were more than two plots running side by side (possibly because of Murder In Mesopotamia mind) and the reveal with Natasha was less surprising than Marcus, since if Deverill had been up to something, she really should have said straight away. Her, ““It would have worked, too,” Natasha spat. “If that idiot hadn’t got so worked up over his feelings.” “ line was rather Scooby-Doo-ish but it did work, because of the confusion of Bill/Marcus--and I liked that initially Marcus didn’t want Bill getting involved with Natasha because he felt more morally compromised by it, perhaps, but then when crunch time came, he trapped BOTH his friend and accomplice in a tomb. It’s rather sad that ambition and wounded pride could lead someone to go that far.

Minor nitpick--you have “an coincidental”, where it should be ‘a’. But that’s it :) Your writing is so concise--oh and I meant to say in the last chapter how interesting I found the way the goblins and humans interacted so I’ll say that here. I also like the way that Natasha does care for Bill, which is rather sad, but I don’t think the reader, or Bill, is allowed to sympathise with her that much. With Bill however, that last line was rather sad. It’s interesting that one of my favourite moments from earlier, when they are all happy and laughing around the campfire in the desert, is somewhat repeated here, but in a rather sad context. And the last line...poor Bill. I want to give him a big hug. You’

Anyway, this was an excellent mystery, with a brilliant page-turner plot and I thoroughly enjoyed it. YES write your next one, and sooon!!!! Alex

PS: Oh, also I want to know what the Freudian slip was. I will have to employ some detective skills/ or just ask you.

Author's Response: Thank you thank you thank you. I'm glad that you caught on to the "that idiot" bit, where it could have been both Bill and Marcus. I was wondering whether that was going to make sense. Bill was ... a tough cookie in this chapter. I was trying to get into his frame of mind, and all I could think was that he would feel everything sort of dully, like from far away... but then this is something so personal to him, and so huge, and he is a Weasley -- they're not exactly known for keeping it in... So, I'm very happy that it all seems to be working out!

Won't reveal the Freudian slip here... I'll IM you instead. I want to wait for someone else to read this before making it public :P

Again, thank you a million times for all your reviews. I owe you a lot!

Hello Kara! I really enjoyed these two chapters. You write so well, and I hope you’re not bored of me saying that yet. I love the balance of horror, excitement, romance, intrigue and yet humour as well (such as Bill when he gets thrown back when trying to sneak into Natasha’s tent). I thought it was interesting that Marcus made no comment on Bill and Natasha coming down to breakfast together--he’s annoyed about it, and probably trying to hide it. I think one of the things that makes this story so enjoyable is the amount of detail, like with the protocol when Aurors and Hitwizards get involved, and the way in which goblins will get annoyed by it. It’s really well thought out. And possibly becasue I’m a nerd, or because you write so well, I love the detail of how the expedition is set out, how the artefact’s tent is arranged etc.

I have a couple of minot nitpicks--at the end of first paragraph/beginning of second the repetition of ‘thought’ is a bit clumsy, and you could easily change one to ‘idea’ or something. Also I found it a bit inconsistent when Bill asks Deverill (who intrigued me as I read this chapter and intrigued me even more in chapter 10) if he’s working alone, to see if he could have Natasha around. I mean I know they’re working together, but still, I think she would, ha, distract him and it wouldn’t be professional. But when Marcus comes around later, he has these qualms. I thought Marcus was great here-if there’s a rumour, you tell your friend, and the fact that he quickly told Bill he didn’t have to justify himself was nice.

People are horrible--I think it’s realistic that people (and goblins) might start suspecting Bill under the circumstances.

Anyway I also enjoyed Chapter 10. I liked Stadwell’s care over his patient, possibly at the expense of Bill’s inquiry, but her health was paramount. I also like Mrs Pilliwickle--the comparison to ‘vivacious storyteller’ of earlier emphasised how much has happened in such a short space of time, and made her current position all the sadder, though at least she’s alive. I also had to smile at the fact she is more concerned for Althea’s lost potential offerings to archaeology than to her lost life. That’s very--cold in a way, but so fitting for an academic.

And Deverill--there’s another twist. There’s so much going on here and I wouldn’t be surprised if there are several things at work. I am very curious as to why Natasha hasn’t told anyone this earlier as well. And the CLIFFHANGER. Yes, I’m using capitals. This story is such a good adventure, and I really want to know what happens next and who or what is behind the deaths. Or maybe it’s more than one person....I don’t know, but I want to.

Great chapters, Kara, and please update soon!! Alex

Author's Response: Aleeeeex! I'll never get bored of flattery, especially not when it comes as part of such a lovely review!

Yay I'm very glad that the details work and that you're enjoying them -- because I know that you know a lot about this sort of stuff, so it's all the better if it works with you as well. Thanks for the nitpicking too -- I made a note of it and will go back to see what other word fits best. The reason why Bill wants Natasha around is that artefacts work boooores him (sort of) -- of course it's somewhat irresponsible of him, but he's (shockingly) not perfect.

People gossip so horribly in these situations!

I'm beginning to sort of like Stadwell a lot more than I expected... I might keep him for future stories, haha.


Hah! Not long now until all is revealed... or is it!

Thank you so so so so so much for your review. It's perfect, as always.

Ooh I am intrigued. I love how quickly Marcus and Millicent spring to life, and you write non-linearly with such clarity (why can't I do that?) it's obvious what's happening in relation to when.

I loved the detail with the teeth, and how Fred and George's bullying had such an effect on him. That boy cares far too much about what other people think--I Loved how un-smooth he was, about getting onto the Quidditch team--if they're okay with that level of brutality, then he should be happy there. And I liked his interaction with Draco--that small detail about Draco rubbing his Mark dry more than any other part of his body is a very powerful one.

And Millicent! I love the way she's an outdoorsy type who doesn't really fit anywhere- hence clinging first to Umbridge, and then to the Carrows, as some sort of 'gang' to belong to. And even given that, I was shocked when she doesn't understand that fighting for the Death Eaters is a bad thing. She and Marcus both are quite naive in their own way--like at the end, him deciding to save her and thinking that it will just happen. But back to Millicent--her mother is a nasty piece of work, isn't she? I did think--it didn't seem suicidely bad yet, but there is something impulsive, about both of them really, and so it does fit. Anyway, I am very glad this is for the challenge, so you'll HAVE to submit the next chapter in the next few days--I'm looking forward to it :) Alex

Author's Response: YAY! In spite of my whining about getting few reviews, I must say that the feedback I got from you (and Croll and Kara) is fantastic! This story was written in a fit of whimsy at first, but the more I typed, my attachment grew. I wanted people to enjoy it, to stop and consider these characters, to make them feel about them. It's nice to know it succeeded to an extent. :D

This is one of my favourites of yours for the GH challenge (along with Desire and a Half, and I promise I'll be SPEW-ing that shortly :) ) It reads like the thinking of someone in the very early morning, and half awake and half asleep. There's a wonderful stream of conscious-esque-ness about it, without that breaking your sentence structure/ while being very clear.

The characterisation was wonderful. We know so little about them, and yet I don't see why their situation isn't explored more, as the concepts of eternity and time (your first few paragraphs about maths/ eternal laws were just beautifully thought-provoking and concisely put). The lines about it going to rain were also beautiful. This is a horribly fangirly review, but yes, I love this story, and particularly the subtlety of the ending and the next adventure. It's elegant and dense and beautifully written.

Alex

Author's Response: I had a bit of a tough time fitting the events into the same continuous stream of thought and narrative tense. D: But there was no way I was going to allow myself to put italicised flashbacks here. The challenge was a great excuse for me to explore various narrative styles, and in spite of the misses, I'm glad a few worked.

Hello Ariana! Well this was interesting. I’ve never found Cho particularly interesting--but I’m really enjoying thinking and reading about Pansy at the moment, so was intrigued by this pairing. Then, of course, you make me go and feel for both of them. I think this was so beautifully constructed. Just--from the very poetic and stunning start, to the dialogue. I love the way you write--you’re probably tired of me telling you this--but that the narration can be so beautifully lyrical, and yet the dialogue blunt and real and crude. I love that :)

I thought it was great that you characterised them separately, and gave such an accurate picture of their two very different lives, where both shared a certain numbness but with very different causes. And then they meet, and my don’t the sparks fly? I LOVED the dialogue. Pansy’s characterisation up until that point was so--cruel and drunk and just exactly as I see her as being after the war--and then she meets Cho and is rather sweet. Offering her the drink, and talking to her. I loved the line about masochism :) and the “He Who Gives Better Head Than Harry?” That was funny :) Your Pansy is very intuitive--saying that, and then later when she, from not much that Cho has said--indeed they reveal more of each other in that first meeting, before sex takes over--points out the line about the butterfly, and Cho’s husband. Who is a git. He reminded me of Joan’s husband in Mad Men....which if you don’t watch, I think you’ll love. He finds out his wife is cheating adn is embarrassed? What a w-----, and the way he talked to Cho before she met Pansy--ugh. That’s incoherent. He’s a git, and Pansy is bamf for telling him, and forcing Cho to realise that he is, and that she doesn’t need him. I love the way Pansy does much more for Cho, than Cho does for her really. It’s an interesting dynamic between them.

I think why I prefer Pansy to Cho, is Pansy’s lack of self pity. When she says the lines: “A kiss?” Pansy supplied with a smirk, because this moment was supposed to morph into something glib and not serious.” and “You’re obviously unhappy and miserable -- especially if you think fucking me is going to get you anywhere.” just--HOW do you write lines like that? With such a low opinion of herself, and fear of going beyond sex, and yet at the end, there’s something rather beautiful and cosy about the image of her at home, with her mug of tea. Although I liked that Cho got her life together, and the way her section ended, with her illusions falling away and taking control of herself, I thought the way you ended it was perfect. It wasn’t love, but it was an important relationship for them both, though I’m not sure either would admit it. I feel at the end though, that Pansy is being genuine when she says she just enjoyed being with Cho, and the way it was less crude than her previous lifestyle. And the final line--perfection.

The change from being sex, to a confrontation of Cho’s faults, and Pansy learning something about herself in the process, was so elegantly done. This story was beautiful, and this review incoherent. Apologies, but I loved this story, and I can't remember ever saying that about a Cho as main character story before. Alex

Author's Response: Alex!

This story was beautiful. I love the way you talk about the difference between fairy tale magic, and the magic she encounters at Hogwarts, and weave that in with her finding her Prince Charming, even though he isn't entirely perfect.

You characterise such a minor character so well here, in such a short amount of space, and the awful comparison of the Dementor's kiss and Prince Charming's true love's kiss, is a very powerful one, that makes me feel for Mary, a character I've never given much thought to before. It was beautiful--Alex

Author's Response: Thank you!