Nooooooo!!

Ginaaaa. This story is just amazing. I had actually sort of gone off James/Lily stories when they started getting a bit formulaic for my liking (as in the Marauders' seventh year) but this is definitely the most enjoyable one. I love all the chapters and I want to hug this story, it's so brilliant. I really just loved James and Lily's kiss in the rain... made me swoon, let me tell you.

I could pick out all the wonderful things in this story but unfortunately, that would take far too long since it's practically all of it :) Please please please update soon -- I need chapter 17!

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Squeee! Soraya! Thank you so much for the amazing review! I know what you mean about J/L stories getting like that, so I'm glad this one doesn't come off that way (I'm trying but don't always feel like it's succeeding!) I tend to stay off the J/L reading so it doesn't slip into my writing, since they are my obsession for the last, oh, sixteen months, lol. I'm so glad you enjoyed the kiss, I couldn't wait to post that!! Thanks for reading this, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. And the next chapter will be up soon. Not sure what your personal preferences are, but do heed the warnings. ;) Thanks again!! ~Gina :)

Annie, it seems like a lifetime ago that I beta’d this fic. But I’m glad I did, because it was a truly delightful read, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it a second time round.

The thing with James/Lily stories is that because it’s such a common pairing, there are lots of clichés that are created, so it was really nice to see something more original than the usual stuff. I loved the idea of a Shakespeare quote at the beginning — it’s one of my favourite sections of Romeo and Juliet. (That is where it’s from, right? Unless my English Literature is failing me... :S)

This is a dialogue-heavy story, and I think dialogue is definitely your strength in writing. In fact, it was so good that I only remembered the story was written in present tense at the end. You have a knack at creating perfect Marauder banter, as well as, most importantly, James/Lily banter, because that was what kept the characters in character the entire time. What’s more, the dialogue is realistic, and that made the story realistic along with the plot.

Speaking of which, the concept was just ingeniously simple and tied in with the title perfectly. I loved how you linked it back with the quote, and how the plot was uncomplicated and easy to understand and follow. I did pause at how it sort of jumped from Lily being not-very-pregnant to eight months pregnant. I just felt it was a big jump for me, and made the story sound just a little hollow in the middle.

I also think that one thing you could watch for next time is the use of words like “grin” to describe how somebody’s speaking. For example, ‘Hey, Lily,’ he grins, kissing me on the cheek. You can’t really “grin” a word. But anyway, that wasn’t a big deal, and it definitely didn't detract anything from the story, don’t worry. I just thought I’d point it out since I was your beta ;)

The humour included in this piece made me laugh out loud at times. James and Lily’s over-fussiness of names was really funny, yet so believable too; I know a lot of people who are even fussier with names. The reference to JKR’s short piece she did for charity was just hilarious, and I love how you included that. Sirius’ comments were very funny as well, and this use of humour in the form of dialogue, mainly, was good for the story’s flow. At no point did the story drag; there was always something interesting or funny around the corner.

I thought the connection between Neville and Harry was really interesting. The depiction of Alice pre-torture was rather heartbreaking, frankly; yet, the thing I liked most about this story is that you didn't portray the Longbottoms or the Potters as perfect couples as their sons probably think they were.

And then, the ending segment was simply beautiful. You had the description there, but it wasn’t over the top or melodramatic or anything, and I really appreciated that. Then, James ends their moment of bliss by demanding a name — so typical James! I loved how the whole name debate kind of became the story’s arc, and it was never overused or anything — and it’s always easy to go overboard with stuff like that.

In this story, Annie, you had the right mix of romance, angst and humour. In doing so, you also ensured every character’s characterisation was spot-on, seemingly flawlessly, as well as having a proper plot. The premise of this story was intriguing from start to finish and it was simply a lovely read.

~Soraya~

P.S. You may or may not have noticed that I’ve also nominated this for the Best Humour QSQ. :D

Author's Response: Soraya, thank you so much! Yeah, the quote's from Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet (which, in all honesty, I didn't like very much, but the quote was good). You've commented on everything that I wanted to get across, seriously, thank you. You were, or course, the most amazing, fabulous beta in the world. A QSQ nominationation? Are you kidding me? omg, I can't stop smiling. Thanks so much! Annie x

Hi there. I clicked on this not knowing what to expect, since I’ve never read your work before. I was glad I did, though, because I really liked what I read. I don’t normally comment on titles or summaries, but may I just say, your title really ties in with your story. And your summary was short and to the point, and that drew me in, especially because you didn't give anything away. Summaries and titles are so important, and I thought you nailed it here.

Having said that, I think you repeated the title in the story itself a bit too much. I understood what you were trying to get at here, but it was just a little overdone, and I think a few deletions of “smoke and mirrors” would do. The title arc was intriguing, and I loved the idea — I just think that when it comes to repeating your title in your story, less is more, really. This is especially significant considering how short it was, although its length was by no means a bad thing; I actually think that the story had a good length, and that meant it didn't drag and flowed nicely.

A few things regarding spells: in the books, the spells are always italicised, and Avada Kedavra was spelt incorrectly. These errors didn't detract anything from what I thought of the story — I was just slightly distracted by the mistakes to focus on it, so another read-through would iron these errors out. Or, alternatively, you could use a beta.

I will never leave Him.

I thought this line was intriguing; capitalising the “him”, which is only ever done to describe God (as far as I know) was a great way of emphasising just what Voldemort meant to him, as well as how much power he had over Pius. I really liked this — it was subtle, and far better than just stating this outright.

Present tense has always been something I love, but only when written well. Here, it added to the tension in the atmosphere of the story, and it made Pius’s predicament even more unfortunate, making me feel almost (almost!) sorry for him. Well done for managing that — I’ve never sympathised with Thicknesse before now, yet now I come to mention it, I suppose it was rather unfair of me to think that, given he was Imperiused. That was one of the things that drew me into your story; I've always been... curious, if you like, about Thicknesse, and the whole premise of this was so interesting and definitely unique. I’m yet to find a decent fanfic other than yours which explores Thicknesse’s character as well as yours has.

Since we don’t really see much of Thicknesse in DH — in terms of characterisation, at least — I thought you did a good job with him, considering he’s an OC, to all intents and purposes. I would have thought it impossible to write a story in the first person, whilst that very character is under the Imperius Curse, but I thought, again, you did extremely well. The narrative and the tone is just so, so... subservient, to Voldemort, which was fitting and appropriate given that he was under the Imperius Curse. I applaud you for being able to maintain that tone from start to finish; Pius’s voice is clear and sustained throughout.

I also thought Rufus’s characterisation was spot on. He, unlike Thicknesse, was more fleshed out in the books, but whenever we saw Scrimgeour, he seemed tough, or, at least, pretending to be. At no point did he seem weak, in canon. The fact that you drew on the parallels of their characters was very interesting, and Scrimgeour’s display of weakness was very in character and effective, so well done.

“It was Imperius, we know,” says Hermione Granger, the second of the Trio.

Something I wasn’t too sure about was the use of “the Trio”. I thought it was unnecessary and, to be frank, a little clichéd, and this really sort of stood out for me because up until that point, I thought the story wasn’t clichéd and was wholly original both in its premise and its plot. I would suggest taking this part away entirely, because I’m not really convinced that Hermione was “the second”, either, since that kind of undermined Ron in a way, assuming Harry was “the first of the Trio”. I don't think that was entirely accurate, and nowhere in canon were Harry, Ron and Hermione described as “the Trio”. I still hold to my opinion that this story is unique and un-clichéd; the lapse in cliché, really, is very minor and certainly didn't affect my overall thoughts of the story once I’d finished it.

Aside from my quibbles, I thought this story was superbly written; the dialogue was excellent, and you really fulfilled my curiosity in Pius Thicknesse. If I didn't know any better, this story could’ve been canon. An excellent read, with not quite as many reviews as it deserves, and I hope you continue to write more.

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Hello Soraya. Thanks for giving me such a lovely long review. I am very aware that I spelled things wrong (I wrote this at 1 in the morning, submitted it and promptly forgot about it.) And as for the ‘smoke and mirrors’ thing, I did think that I used it a little too much while rereading, but see the 1 in the morning thing. And finally, the Trio quibble. Remember that Pius has been under Voldykins’ control for nearly a year and been thinking of H R and Hr as a unit rather than humans, hence ‘Trio.’ Other than that, I’m considering writing a sequel to this starring Stan Shunpike. It’s good to know all the best things about my story and thanks again for reviewing! ~Lily~

Lisa, I must say that I wasn’t sure what to expect with this story. I must say, the summary was an excellent one. Sometimes all you need is a one-liner to draw readers in, and you certainly managed that. Congratulations on both the QSQ nomination and the number of reviews you’ve already received for this - you really deserve it :) Initially, though, I thought it would perhaps be fluffy, or overly angsty, as many James/Lily, Marauder Era and Dark/Angsty stories tend to be, but it was neither. It was a beautifully written story that reduced me to tears.

I’m probably in the minority in that I enjoy second person. It’s so very personal, by addressing someone as “you”, and it makes me as a reader understand that character’s emotions so much more. And this was such an emotional piece that I could not possibly imagine it in any other POV. You really brought out Lily’s character in this story, without making it seem like a formulaic character study as such. I particularly liked the fact that you tied the story in with the title so well - you painted the picture of Lily as a mother figure but also, you never let us forget the war. For example, the part when James is calling Lily and she reaches for her wand - this is a really good instance of letting us remember the war in a subtle way, and this is better than shoving it in the reader’s face.

I think the whole premise of this story is such an ingenious one in its simplicity. A baby’s first word is always a really excitable thing, and I think you did an excellent job of portraying that in both James and Lily, especially in their competition against each other. I thought it was nice that Lily got one over on James too. I thought James’s characterisation was spot on, with his signature arrogance - something that is really easy to overdo but you did it perfectly :) And in doing so, you really showed James and Lily’s love for Harry as parents, which is the main theme of Harry Potter anyway.

There was just one point where I questioned your wording. It’s been more than a month since her death, but you still cringe at the thought of Marlene. I wasn’t sure about the use of the word “cringe”. It just sounded a little awkward. But that was the only thing that really stuck out for me; as a whole, the story was worded beautifully.

I think the scene with Harry in the room with James was the saddest, the most bittersweet. The fact that we saw this moment in canon but not what James and Lily were doing has always made me curious about what actually went on inside. I can definitely see this happening in the book, and I thought it was so heart-breaking that Harry only said the magic word when Lily and James were about to die. I loved the way the story was written - snapshots of James and Lily’s lives with Harry until they died.

The end scenes were painful to read. Not because it wasn’t written well (it definitely was!) but because I felt so bad for Harry having to be fed by Petunia instead of his own mum, just after he had learned to say the word. The use of short, sharp, almost choppy dialogue worked really well there. I can imagine Petunia acting like that and I think you had characterisation down perfectly for her. But even more painful for me was Lily’s reaction. I thought it was really interesting that you had Lily watching over him the whole time he was suffering at the hands of the Dursleys. You really conveyed Lily’s and Harry’s emotions so very well throughout but particularly at the end, especially the part with the Mirror of Erised.

Lisa, I really think this is your best story yet. It was emotional, touching, personal and so very unlike any other James/Lily story I’ve ever read. I can’t wait to read what you write next. Excellent job.

~Soraya~

Gina — that was amazing!

Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect with this piece, considering its length. I didn't think it would be possible to create such a moving story (and nearly reduce me to tears in the process) within 883 words! But I clicked on this for several reasons: firstly, because I know you are a wonderful author. Also because the summary intrigued me; I always think it’s a good idea to have an extract of the bigger picture in your summary, and I adored your title too. I thought that how the title fitted in with the story (and vice versa) was ingenious on your part. Well done there.

Perhaps it’s because I read a lot of your James/Lily fics (I promise I will get started on Raindrops soon!) but I am really glad I chose to read this. I know this is in the Marauder Era cat, but the mood in this piece was very dark, whereas your James/Lilys are more focused on the romance aspect of it, and the use of the present tense made the atmosphere very urgent. I really liked your use of first person, too; you pulled off Sirius’s voice flawlessly here.

There is a real frankness in your writing style here, Gina. Nothing is overdone; it’s so easy to slip into melodrama when writing a fic that is angsty, but you sidestepped well away from that. There is rawness in your writing that I really loved — the absence of dialogue really worked here. I didn't even notice it at first, actually. It was as if I was in Sirius’s head, and the lack of dialogue was because of how Sirius wasn’t really paying attention to what was going on around him, only about James and Lily’s deaths.

Which brings me to the plot. The story of James and Lily’s deaths is an oft-explored event, and almost always, it is written from James and Lily’s point of view. I really liked your fresh take on that, and that you picked the aftermath rather than the actual thing. It is almost as if this is a prequel to Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, and if I didn't know that this was fanfiction, I would have been thoroughly convinced that this was canon. I loved the part when Sirius kissed Harry’s forehead, too; so very Sirius, and very sweet. Enough to make a girl swoon, I tell you.

I love your poetic use of language in this piece, as well; and from Sirius’s point of view, no less. The description was artistically and tastefully executed, and was simply beautiful. I wasn’t entirely sure about the over formalness of Sirius’s words, at times. I know that it was written from his point of view, so it technically counts as narrative, but occasionally, the absence of an apostrophe made the dialogue slightly stilted. One example of this is the use of the word “cannot”. However, I don't think it sounds right or appropriate to use “can’t”, yet “cannot” sounds very formal and a little un-Sirius. I’m assuming that this was your intention, since the mood of the fic is sombre. So in that respect, I suppose it is fitting to use formal words. Never mind, I just answered my own question :)

As such a short piece, I thought it flowed very well. It was neither fast-paced nor did it drag, and you covered the events seamlessly. You put a lot in those few words, and I think that gave the piece a wonderful quality. The ending was particularly powerful, and overall, Gina, I think this fic’s greatest strength is that you answered a lot of questions in canon. You added to certain aspects of canon, too, and made them more believable.

So all in all, Gina, an absolutely magnificent fic, and definitely going on my favourites list. Well done.

~Soraya~

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for the amazing review! Squeeeeee! I'm so glad you read it. I'm so glad you liked it. I'm so speechless at your lovely comments I don't even know what to say. I wrote this for a TTB drabble challenge, which is why it's so short. When I decided to submit it, I really wanted to expand it, but there just wasn't anything else to say. It says what it needs to say. I think a lot of what you commented on flowed first from the very strong visual I had of this happening, and then second from the decision to write it first person present tense - which wasn't really a decision, it just happened naturally. So I'm glad it all worked, lol. And since I have been known to whine about getting Sirius right, I'm glad *he* worked, although those darn contractions and the formality/informality they lend a piece are always tricky! Really, I think I just lucked out on this one, lol. Having said that, I am suddenly curious to see if I could try for another...hm...like I need more plot bunnies...:D Thanks again Soraya!! ~Gina :)

Ooooh, things are getting exciting. I hope her baby's okay, and I'm glad I don't have to wait for updates, LOL.

Your dialogue is delightful and real and I particularly liked the last sentence.

I've got to read on so this will be a very short review. Oh, you mentioned Apparently Asleep in your last response -- when are you getting back to that? *wags finger*

Author's Response: EEEP! Apparently Asleep. Um, I need to finish this, write two shortish things, and get cracking on Lions and Dean Thomas. Then ... back to AA. Sorry. Of course the baby is okay, I had to give Lavender and Blaise some joy. Thank you. ~Carole~

That was a really emotional chapter, Carole. I love that you have the angst and the seriousness and the fun of their relationship and yet there's a really good balance, never too much of one thing. This, I think, is what makes a good story.

I did think they were going to guess eventually -- though, now I come to mention it, I knew the charm would wear off eventually or someone would recognise Lily's freckles, for example.

But then Lucius died! I'm not sure what to think. Part of me thinks good riddance because he was never the best of people, but another part of me feels sorry for him for having to go through that -- plus, I feel really sorry for Scorpius having to go through all of that. Especially the fact that Scorpius was actually there when Lucius died, only for him to be kicked out... so sad :(

Onto the next chapter!

Oh, for a moment there, I thought Scorpius was actually going to go and retract everything and say that he wasn't seeing Lily! Good on him, is what I can say. And I'm glad Scorpius's speech wasn't cliched or anything -- you know, the normal "procedure" in stories and movies and stuff, when the speaker has something prepared and somehow comes out with this amazing speech that they've come up with off the top of their head. >.>

I also really liked your Andromeda here, and I really wanted to slap Narcissa, dammit. Well, enough rambling from me! I've nearly caught up so I shall continue tomorrow. Night!

They did it! (By that, of course I mean the "I love you" bit -- hehe.) Aw, it's sad that Scorpius ran out of that exam, but I hope he at least gets Acceptable in that. Though perhaps the DADA practical might push his marks up.

Sorry, I'm kind of in an exam mood right now. >.> Anyway, I thought you led up to that scene very well, and you did a lovely job on leaving out enough details to not make the reader uncomfortable. I definitely think less is more, etc., etc.

And I'm glad Scorpius is sort-of apologising and improving his relations with people he previously disliked. I think leaving school has that kind of feel to it anyway. So yes, there were parts of this chapter that were really relatable for me, and I'm really enjoying it. Though that's pretty obvious anyway. :D

Onto the next chapter -- I've nearly caught up! And I'm still in denial that I've read 100K (or more) in the space of a few days. XD

I am nodding fervently in agreement with your chapter notes. LOL.

Carole, I think you know how much I <3 this story. It's everything everyone said it would be, and the fact that I read 119-odd K in four days should tell you that this is one of your best stories so far. I'm favouriting it and (although this may sound selfish) I'm kind of glad I started reading it now because if I didn't, I'd have to wait for updates. And that kills me already with AA and Lions *hint hint*

I still don't ship Scily, but this story has brought me close to that. Basically, the story's wonderful, so are you, and you'd better update soon. Or else... I'll cry.

 ~Soraya~