Wow! I really enjoyed this. The rhythm and word choice is really well thought out and I could hear the song playing in my head. :)
My favourite part was the ending:
Down she does tumble, but James breaks her fall,
“Well, maybe,” she thinks, “he’s okay after all.”
I love the thoughts in italics...they're so sweet! Good job and good luck in the challenge. ~Suzie
Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked it! I had to read it out loud like twenty times or something before I could get it to sound right. Thanks for reviewing! :]
This is short but very powerful. I love all the emotions in italics; they seem to reflect exactly what Harry must have been feeling. The rhythm and rhyme both fit very well and the poem left me thinking a bit as well...excellent poem. Well done. :)
Author's Response: thanks, i didn\'t really think it was that good...
Great parody! I’m not too familiar with the carol, though I think I might recognise it if I heard it, but I thought the rhythm and rhymes worked well standing along as well.
The blood lay on the ground, the children cried,
On the cold night when the Potters died.
These first two lines were an excellent intro! They set the dismal, deathly scene really well and prepared us for what was to come. My only critique is that the verse titles: “verse 1 etc” and “refrain” in bold, were a bit distracting and perhaps broke the flow of the parody up a bit. Apart from that, this was fantastic and I really enjoyed it! Well done and good luck! ~Suzie
Author's Response: Thanks! I\'m glad you liked it!
Wow, Elle! That was CHILLING! It actually started to give me goosebumps; it was so spooky the way that you described Rodolphus, and how, even though we never actually ‘see’ him, he has such an intense psychological effect.
“Since escaping Azkaban, she had hardly spent a single night that she wasn’t hiding from him.”
I like the emphasis on ‘him’ here. A great introduction. Though, because I’ve read Blinded and your other Bella fic, I had an inkling who you were referring to, the ambiguity is still really good, and kept my curiosity.
She was supposed to be grieving. She was supposed to be sad. She was supposed to be angry. The repetition here is great and the short, snappy sentences are really effective in showing how much Bella hated Rodolphus and how glad she is to be rid of him.
I thought that it was very IC for Bella to so quickly, on hearing Rodolphus’ voice (and knowing full well who it was), to try and convince herself that she was imagining things, and that everything was okay really. It didn’t matter. She would go to sleep. In the morning she would have breakfast with Cissy and the voices would be gone. This seemed to indicate the dismissive side of Bella, of only seeing what she wanted to see, but for me it also showed the more ‘scared’ and childish side of her, of wanting a sort of perfect world after everything that she’s been through.
Maybe I want you to die, so that I can control you in the afterlife as well.
Oh god…that was really spooky and truly chilled to the bone. The way that Rodolphus speaks, and especially this part, really showed me exactly what Bella was afraid of. It’s a really dark and scary thought that something cannot be escaped even in death, and I felt that you conveyed this very well. It also really emphasised how much Bella would be despairing as she really has no way out.
The Narcissa bit…ooooh…. *chills again* I love this bit in Blinded as well…what IS it with poor Bella? Whenever she wants to be remotely good, you go and kill her again! :p :p
Towards the end of this, I thought that it was really clever how you used short sentences to show Bella and Rodolphus’ interactions. The “she ignored him” and “no response” seemed to begin where his words had little effect on her, but as the effects increased, descriptions of her behaviour increased. Oooh.
“You’ll see Cissy again and the Dark Lord.” Heh. *sad giggle* Is that hinting at something? Bella/Voldemort perhaps? *wink* Just a tiny nitpick: Bellartix picked her wand up from the floor. You spelt Bella wrong. :)
“Do it,” the ghost cried.
“Avada Kedavra."
Finally, this ending…was just powerful. You used no exclamation marks or anything like that, which is what usually conveys action or excitement, but I felt that your way was far more breathtaking and intense. The ghost ‘crying’ to tell her to end it seemed ‘encouraging’ in a way, which kind of disturbed me…but then again, I guess that’s what you were going for. And obviously the ending words were the scariest of all. *dies*
Anyway, good luck in the challenge! :) You’ve entered so many, you really deserve to win!! ~Suzie (and eep, sorry this got long again. [/babble]
Author's Response: *smiles* First of all, Suzie, you never have to apologize for the length of your reviews. They\'re always well thought out and in-depth. I really love them. :D *huggles*
Oh yes, the HIM she was hiding from. I figured anyone who had read my evil Rodolphus fics would know who it was and everyone else would assume it was Voldemort, but you\'re the first one to comment on it, so I really don\'t know. :D
When Bella was trying to pretend that Rodolphus wasn\'t there, I didn\'t mean for her to be dismissive. She would never be dismissive of him. She\'s too scared, and with good reason to those who have read my evil-Rodolphus. You were right the second time though. It was meant to show that she was scared and yes, even a bit childlike. She thought that she was finally free from him and she couldn\'t come to terms with the idea that he could somehow be back. She just couldn\'t accept it at first.
*grins evilly* Well, I wonder how much we really do escape in death. Especially if there are others waiting for us on the other side, others that wanted to cause us harm in life and are looking forward to picking up where they left off. It was just a strange thought that occured to me when reading a ghost story a few weeks ago.
And the Narcissa part, which I, of course, stole from Blinded. I keep using this because at the end of both the stories Bella needed to be emotionally fragile. I don\'t believe that anything else could damage her so wholly or completely as harming one of her sisters. So that\'s what I used. It\'s hard for me to write though. I\'ve grown so attached to Bella it\'s hard to keep hurting her. Maybe I should write her a happy ending, although happy endings are not my strong point.;)
Bella/Voldie. NO! And that got an exclamation point. I hate that ship. I cannot believe that Bella truly loves creppy reptile man. I have actually a read a story or two that handled the ship well, but I will never ever believe that she could love him. I almost didn\'t include his name there but I thought people would wonder about if he wasn\'t there.
And I can\'t believe, I of all people, spelled Bellatrix wrong. *kicks self* Thanks for pointing it out, though.
Oh and exclamation points. I don\'t know, I never used them much. Even when I wrote as like a ten year old, I used them sparingly. *shrugs* I\'m glad you like my way of converying emotion.
Thanks for all the compliments on my story. *huggles Suzie*
*Giggle* Elle, this made me laugh! It’s kind of weird that “Santa Clause” and “Voldemort” have the same number of syllables so it really fits, and yet the whole parody, though funny, is kind of eerie as I’m getting a quite nasty image of Voldemort on the rampage…
He’ll kill you when you’re sleeping,
He’ll kill you when you’re awake,
He knows if you’ve been bad or good,
So be bad for Merlin’s sake.
*huggles that verse* That was awesome! The rhythm and rhyme works perfectly and the “Merlin’s Sake” especially made me laugh. A great parody, good luck in the challenge! ~Suzie
Author's Response: Hehe. I never even noticed that Voldemort and Santa Clause had the same number of syllables. I actually changed it to Voldy, originally, but Magical Mauve suggested that I keep Voldemort.
This is my favorite verse, as well.
Thanks so much for the review and I\'m glad you got a kick out of it.
Oooh! I have to admit that when I read the summary, I wasn’t really sure what to expect but this story turned out to be a very heart warming and somewhat surprising read! I loved the mix of happiness, sadness, love, and *pranks* in this, and the curiosity of who the ghost was and what they wanted, kept me intrigued and reading on.
You sleep with your wand, you prat,” growled Ron, and Harry laughed. I don’t know why that sentence made me laugh so much.. *giggle* Seems like the sort of thing that Ron would say!
“Sorry, mudblood,” the voice continued in a lazy drawl, “but I’m tired of waiting for you to puzzle out the mystery.” I totally *squeed* when I read this bit! Your characterisation of Draco is very good; the moment I saw “Mudblood” and “drawl”, I kind of figured!
Draco was silent for a moment as he narrowed his eyes. “I need your help,” he finally admitted, sounding extremely reluctant. Definitely IC! I love this twist in the story, about Draco needing the help of the Trio/Harry. This sentence seemed exactly the way that Draco would say it; you’ve captured the reluctance and the desperation in his voice really well!
“Have you ever felt the life drain from your dying body, Potter? Have you ever seen your own mother weep over your silent corpse, unable to do anything for her pain? Have you ever watched someone you love die?” This part was so intense and powerful! You’ve really made clear how much Draco has suffered in this war, and in doing so, how much he has matured and had to swallow his pride to do this. This bit shows not only so much about how Draco has suffered, but you’ve managed to relate it well to what Harry as seen and experienced too. I can see this as being a major contributing factor to Harry believing and forgiving Draco, now that Draco has appealed to the ‘heart’ and described something that Harry can truly understand.
He was arrogant and cruel, but he was also caught up in events that were far too big and moved far too fast for him. Exactly. *sniff* Poor Draco. I’m sure Harry can see now how much Draco was just pulled along at school by Slytherin prejudices, family honour and such rubbish. He couldn’t help it really… *pats Draco on the shoulder* …and when given the choice, Draco would have taken the right path.
I just have one – not a picky comment, more of a suggestion… I noticed that you (and a lot of other people actually, use the word “already?” a lot. Like in: “Then go, already,” said Harry. and “Would you stop defending them and do the counterjinx already?” interrupted Ron. I don’t know if this is an Americanism or not, but “already” isn’t usually used in this context in standard Brit talk. :)
Anyway, this story (like all your others :p) is amazing! Seriously. The characterisation in particular I liked…and of course, the idea of a (partially) repented Draco. *squee* Good luck! :D ~Suzie
Author's Response: Oh my!! Thank you SO MUCH for the amazing review. What a lovely way to end the year! You are way too kind and have once again made my day! :D Thank you for reading this story, and so many others. I am sort of glad you were surprised, it\'s nice to write something different every once in a while (and I think it was different for me, in some ways.) I am thrilled with your comments about characterization, because I really bothered my beta about that! I was certain someone would tackle me for killing Draco. ;) Are you a Draco fan? I like him much more after writing about him, which seems to be the case whenever I tackle a new character. I\'m glad I got him right! Thanks for pointing out how overused \"already\" can be - that\'s one of those things that is sometimes hard to notice in dialogue, so I can keep my eye out for it (I know I use \"then\" in dialogue too much so now I can watch for both :P.) I am so happy you liked this story. I reallly appreciate the wonderful review and the good luck. Thank you *so much* - Happy New Year!! ~Gina :)
Awww that was such a nice story, it gave me a really warm glow! I love the way that you tell it, and the directness that you address readers with, using ‘you’ and things. Parts of it seem more informal because of it, and in a way, more welcoming, and I felt as if I was made part of the wonderful Christmas scene.
Within the years, some things, just like what was in the box, were forgotten until the perfect time to rediscover them again.
I love the ongoing ideas about perfection in this story; it’s a nice idea that they can all live happily in the end, after all those years. I just like the line above because it shows some sort of part that ‘fate’ might play in their Christmas celebrations, but also, more simply, how good this year will be.
*squees at Harry/Ginny-ness* I hope that they have a girl too! The way that Ginny talks to her mum was quite IC and I felt that overall you captured both of their characters really well.
There was snow already on the ground which made the backyard look like a postal card. Okay, this is such a picky comment, and I suppose it’s down to opinion really…but ‘postal card’ sounded a bit odd here; we rarely use the term in the UK – just ‘postcard’ would probably have been better. :)
The pine trees all covered in white reminded her of a bunch of pastries sprinkled with icing sugar.
I love the description here! And not JUST because I like pastry…heh. It’s a lovely comparison to snow, and icy snowflakes and such; very realistic too! A very sweet one-shot, I enjoyed reading it! Good luck! *Slythness* :D ~Suzie
Author's Response: Wow! First, thanks for the long review! I\'m happy that you liked my story! That\'s really what I wanted to do, give the Weasley a perfect time to be together, after all they had been through. Don\'t you just love Ginny/Harry! And yeah, I didn\'t go OOC with Ginny and Molly (that was my fear)! Oh and thank you for the tip about the postcard, I\'ll go change it!
Wow Cyns! I really liked this. :) Though I don’t know “I heard the bells on Christmas Day” (well, if I do I don’t remember…) I thought that the parody worked well on its own as well, and the rhythm was really effective and consistent throughout, which gave the whole piece a sombre sort of mood.
I loved the repetition of So good can conquer bad at last. which kind of emphasised, for me, the importance of Dumbledore’s death in helping the good side win the war.
And while he’s there love will prevail,
So good can conquer bad at last.
Aww that was just a really lovely ending. This emphasis on hope and love was quite touching. Love this! Well done and good luck in the challenge.*Slyth Power* :D ~Suzie
Author's Response: I\'m so glad that you liked this. I had a lot of fun writing it. The line you pointed out is probably one of my favorite lines also. :) Merry Christmas! Cyns
Aww! That was really touching, and I had tears in my eyes… you’ve captured Tonks’ emotions really well, especially in the written parts in italics. I love the use of a single word at the start of each paragraph: “Loyalty. Love. Mortality” etc. Just one word and then more description makes the death sound more final.
You were like a unicorn among horses. Now I know better. All men are mortal, we all die…no matter how much you care for them.
Wow. You have a really poetic way of writing! The imagery about the unicorn is fantastic, showing how much Remus must have meant to her, ‘standing out’ amongst everything else. The next sentence is brutally honest, yet fantastically written. It was the bluntness that I found really tearful, as if Tonks knows that everything is pointless, cannot be changed etc, so she has no way out. :(
My brown hair falls into my eyes and I brush it away impatiently. Is this a hint that she can’t metamorphose? (sp?) Good job, anyway.
I just have a tiny nitpick: Ridiculous!" I shout through my tears. Here, the spell should be “Riddikulus” to get rid of the boggart.
This was a great story with a truly moving atmosphere to it; really well written. Good luck in the challenge!~Suzie
Author's Response: I\'m glad you liked it! The refrence to the brown hair was, in fact, a refrence to that that she can\'t metamorphose, good job on catching that!
I will go fix that up right now! *hurries off*
Thank you so so so so much for the review! ~Sunray
Danielle! *hugs* Did I ever tell you how much I love the title of this story? “Black Heaven” just sounds so cool and mysterious and poetic… this is probably my favourite of your entries this time round!
I spent the majority of my time wandering the empty streets and searching for answers to unanswerable questions that I had never had the wit to ask myself on earth.
I love the use of first person in the story, to convey Burke’s personal thoughts and memories, whichin a way, make the whole idea a lot more spooky. The image in the sentence above was really vivid for me, of a despairing man wandering in a deserted street, or a ghost town or something. It sort of suggests that Burke has learnt a lot more in death and may even understand that some of the things that he did while he was alive, and some of the deeds he committed were not wholly good. I also like this more ‘sombre’ side of heaven, not all pink floaty clouds and stuff. This side is probably more realistic for the story…scary as well.
Out of habit I had floated along the ground, moving my feet in the rhythm of walking.
I really like this comparison. A really good way of describing the imitations that the dead make of life. It also begins a sort of ‘re-enactment’ that Burke undertakes in the shop/office, by him doing what he used to do…
You killed me and tossed me out the window, Borgin. I know I’m not meant to laugh. But I did. *giggle* I just got this silly image of Borgin picking up the dead body and chucking it out of the window into a bin or something. *hides*
I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of sunshine through the angry sky. Perhaps there is still hope for my misshapen afterlife.
This ending is really beautiful in an eerie sort of way! The imagery and personification of the sky are fantastic, and suggest that they may be a glimmer of hope there now, for Burke, despite everything that has happened. I like the idea of closure for him, now that he has confronted his killer. This also made me start to feel sorry for him…
Great story, I really enjoyed reading and beta’ing this! Good luck! ~Suzie xx
Author's Response: *hugs Suzie* Thank you for the wonderful review! This one-shot wouldn\'t have been accepted without your help!
Aww! *squees* This was really touching. You’ve really captured the essence of Christmas here, incorporating all the happiness of children with the sadness felt by adults, that children often do not notice or understand. Well done!
I hold my little baby boy in my lap while Sarah twitters around the room like a little bird. I love this chirpy little description, it really emphasises the childish actions of Sarah, and makes her look even more cute!
Until he was eleven, he hadn’t had a real Christmas. He had never received presents, never decorated a tree. I have a feeling he’s making up for lost time in these simple acts. This is a really touching statement, and made me really glad that Harry is living happily now, which is what he really deserves after suffering so much and losing so much in the war.
I wonder what Ron would think, if he knew Harry and I had conceived our first child on the evening after his death. *gasp* Oooh scandalous!
I smile as wide as she does. A lovely, warm ending! As if Hermione finally finds simple, pure happiness. A great story, good luck! ~Suzie
A nice funny parody! I loved it! It’s kind of true too, that in a way Harry IS the Saviour of the wizarding world…
And goes far away, to a vampire’s land
Where he lives with Wormtail, that weird little man.
My favourite lines! I think it was the description of Wormtail that made me giggle… *laugh*
I just have a tiny Britpick: Savior should really be “Saviour” if being Britishly correct..lol
I loved the tone of this parody…it’s great! Good luck!
Author's Response: Thanks! I didn\'t know about the whole spelling thingie! And thanks for the review!
*aww* This was a really sweet and moving story! Like the previous reviewer, I did think it was a bit unrealistic as the Potters were meant to be rich, but aside from that, this was a brilliant story!
Up until the Christmas Eve of 1979, James thought he knew everything about Lily; her favorite nail polish color (garnet red), her favorite food (Italian), her favorite music group (The Beatles), and her favorite book (To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee). This was really nice. I love the way that James can reel off lists of things that Lily loves, it shows how well he knows her. I also like the slight emphasis you put throughout the story, on Lily’s muggle heritage, and the fact that despite the fact that she lives in the wizarding world, she stills enjoys a lot of Muggle things. *Loves the Beatles, Italian food and To Kill and Mockingbird* *giggle*
A very ‘James’-ish’ thing that I liked in this story, is his use of capitals in “The Pen” and “The Journal” etc. It makes everything seem a lot more defined and makes these items so much more important!
I just have a few nitpicks: Every now and then, a gaggle of carolers would pass by the house that James and Lily lived in; the music of their song drifting up to the second floor windows. “Carolers” here should be spelt “carollers”
While most people wrote with feather quills, Lily opted for her fountain pen; and that honor was reserved for writing in her diary. Just a britpick here, “honor” should be “honour”. I love this idea that Lily still writes with her fountain pen sometimes, that’s so sweet!
The idea of James giving up his broomstick almost made me act like Remus and Sirius did! We all know how much James loved flying and the idea that he gave up something that meant so much to him, for someone that means even more, is really moving. I enjoyed this story a lot, well done and good luck! ~Suzie
This story was really heart-warming. I think I understand what you meant by it being quite sad as well though; the ‘less hopeful’ undertones and senses of foreboding were very well written also.
“I’m not an invalid, James!” she told him, getting up and kneeling on the carpet to help him. “I can still participate in ‘normal person’ activities!” I love the tone of Lily’s voice throughout this story, you’ve capture her character really well. This seems like the sort of thing that she would do; despite the fact that she is pregnant, I think that Lily would want to join in the work and the ‘fun’ as much as possible. It’s nice to think that James loves her so much to make sure that she doesn’t hurt herself, and is even sacrificing friends time to be with her; well he should!!
“We’d been feeding it up all year, and mum realised she’d forgotten to kill it…” This just made me laugh! Lovely line… :D
I loved the use of “In the bleak midwinter”. Aside from it being my ultimate favourite carol, I liked the implications as well, of a more serious Christmas.
A lovely, warm story. Good luck!
Author's Response: Thank you! So glad you liked it and thanks for the comments x x x
What song is this based on? I loved the repetition of words like "chocolate" and "bubbles" in some of the verses! And the colloquial tone worked very well.
Good job! ~Suzie
Author's Response: Hey Suzie! This song is Based on \"All I want for Christmas\". I\'m glad you liked it!
-Gin
Aww this was beautiful. The rhyme scheme is unusual but worked well. The rhythm was really well done, consistent and easy to read.
I love the repetition of 'forevermore' and 'he hasn't died'...they made constrasts in the poem and contributed to the kind of sad mood. The last line was very good as well, especially the rhyme.
I've no idea who your OC is, as obviously I havent' read the fic. *puts it on her to-do list* :p
Oooh this was really unusual, and I really enjoyed reading it! I read the beginning and kind of wondered who this was about…then I saw the names and *squeed* :D
I don’t know if I was just dim…but I didn’t guess that you were talking about Ron until you said at the end that this was about Ron. The ambiguity with ‘he’ , sometimes italicised, was really good though, and definitely kept my interest.
No dungeon room for the spy-turned-murderer-turned-spy, who had really been a spy all along.
I just like this sentence – it made me laugh and puts a bit of humour into the concept of Snape’s innocence.
I’ve never read about this theory before; of everyone sharing bits of each other’s souls – I found it really interesting, and the way that Hermione explains it is clear to understand. Her hesitancy in telling the story intrigued me even more. “By the end, well, we were all each other’s... each other’s Horcruxes.” She looked away, hating the word. The bitterness in her voice here is apparent, and I could really feel her anger that so many lives had been lost in the war, and her regret at the sacrifices they had to make.
“Are you telling me,” Severus said with feigned horror, putting his arm around her again, “that I’ve been sleeping with Ron Weasley’s soul?” *giggle* I love a bit of humour…again, unusual but a a ‘fun’ sort of ending!
Loved this! Good luck in the challenge. *power to Slyths* ~Suzie
Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review :). I think I made the theory up myself - so far as I know I haven\'t read it anywhere before, either. I\'m very glad you enjoyed the story. -Mask
Hi, just thought I'd offer some comments too. No, I don't think you can get rid of the 'A/N' bit but what you CAN do is leave a line between your authors comments and your actual work. Just press enter when you type the poem, or insert a [br] tag, OR you can put a line in with [hr]. I'm doing this with square brackets here so it won't format my review! But obviously you'll need pointy arrow brackets.
Now onto the poem! This is pretty good. The repetition of 'last standing' is really effective, and the short lines make the whole thing sound quite final. I liked the ending a lot; it contrasts to the main poem that has a lot of questions, and gives a sort of 'indefinite answer'.
Good job. Well done. :)
Author's Response: Thank you, you are very helpful, I will try your comments out...
That was great! I loved the imagery of the winter streets at the start, all the description was very intense, which made the scene with Dementors even more powerful. You have so much talent in writing!! McGonagall's thoughts were also clear to follow, and I liked the way that she begins to think of her students and staff, even the regret about Trelawney.
Ending: mmmm chocolate... *scoff* I do love your lightened endings. A great story, well done!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for the review :) I figured a miracle needed a happy ending, and the fact is I\'m a secret fluff lover. >.> But don\'t tell anyone.
Wow! This poem really is touching, and you’ve conveyed the elements of love extremely well. The mood I sort of picked up was of Harry needing Ginny as a ‘strength’ to help him through his darker times. Your use of language is amazing in showing this!
Lesser men would buckle
to the strains by which he's weighed.
This was one of my favourite lines. I loved the use of ‘buckle’, which gave me a vivid image of a person’s knees/legs buckling, and them simply collapsing from the strain and stress of it all. This really emphasises Harry’s strength and stamina. Wow.
Some nitpicks: I noticed that you left in an American spelling: even though in candor he is not. Candor should be “candour”. I also understand that you had a sort of pattern for capitalisations at the start of lines, but I felt that the first word in the last line should have been capitalised, to give the ending of the poem a bit more shape and finality.
Aside from that, I loved the last two lines! The repetition of “how will” and “the answer” were really effective, and I felt an almost eerie sort of echo, like two people saying these words.
This poem is lovely! I’ve had it favourited for a while, but hadn’t gotten round to reviewing! *hides* Good job, anyway. :)
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review.
For the most part my poetry is free form and soley based on my current emotions. The concept of remaining in character and retaining anothers perspective is still new to me. Thank you for the reminder and I will remember next time.