Wow! This is quite possibly one of the most well written and simply fantastic parodies I’ve ever read! The word choice (and hymn choice) is fantastic and really suits the mood. Even as I was singing it in my head, I could feel the pace of the peace fit the mood exactly.
You’ve done incredibly well in getting the whole song to narrate a small story; most parodies simply tell of a ‘concept’ or ‘belief’ but not an actual story like yours. This really is incredible; the beginnings about safety in Godrics Hollow were really touching and led very well into the parts about Voldemort, and then the actual night that Lily and James died.
To silence threats and hedge his bets ensuring supremacy.
The rhythm throughout the piece was almost perfect. Here, I thought that the line had one syllable too many. Depending on whether you like more ‘broken’ lines or not, To silence threats and hedge his bets; ensure supremacy might fit a bit better.
You’ve also dealt very well with the archaic language, which can sometimes be overused in poetry if not careful. Yours fitted well with the poem. Well done!
The door fell from its hinges when Voldemort burst through.
The fireplace reflects the face of child and parents two.
Lovely two lines! I really like the ‘mid-line’ rhyme of “fireplace” and “face”, they helped the stanza flow a lot. The image here is lovely; I pictured the three of them sat around the fire like the perfect family, before Voldemort interrupts the picture.
And first to fall the father whose lion’s pride would fail.
Prevailed before but nevermore, sees first beyond the veil.
Again, excellent rhyme. I liked the reference to Gryffindor in “lion’s pride”. Does this suggest that it was James’ Gryffindor qualities, perhaps in being too brave, that failed him? …sees first beyond the veil . This was one of my favourite parts of the piece. It’s a very clever analogy into death, well done!
Fantastic job. I really enjoyed this, well done and good luck! ~Suzie
Author's Response: wow, my longest review yet! thanks ever so much; i\'m so glad you enjoyed it!!
I know exactly what you mean about the \"supremacy\" line. I struggled with it for way too long and actually tried your suggestion exactly. in the end, the imperfect meter won out, and i went back to my original idea...what can you do? by the way, thanks for the kudos on the internal rhyme. i was hoping it wouldn\'t go overlooked.
In regards to James and his lion\'s pride, yes, i did intend to make it seem like he was too prideful perhaps. i wanted to bring in his rather vain and overzelous youth. that, combined with the fact that he had already thwarted Voldy three times, makes it an easy idea that James might have gotten a little overconfident. no idea if it\'s true or what effect it would have had if it were, but that\'s how I saw it. Thanks again for the lovely review. I truly appreciate it!!
*claps* Woo! Yay, you submitted this...you wrote it for Poetry class, right? I remember reading it and being, like, "wow.." The emotions in this are really intense and yet the rhyme and word choice is simple. This poem is really clever and touching. Well done.
Author's Response: Suzie! *Huggles* Thank you.
Wow. It's short but it's powerful - I like it! You've chosen the words really well, and the rhyming is great.
I especially like the ideas of tainted skies and silenced cries. The later refers to death, right? Or of Harry being silenced on the tower? And the tainted skies seems to me to be like the Dark Mark disrupting the usual beauty of stars.
It's lovely how thought provoking this poem is. Well done! *huggles*
~Suzie
Author's Response: *huggles* Thanks for both reviews! *hands over cookies*
Yup, tainted skies was referring to the Dark Mark, and silenced cries was Dumbledore silencing Harry.
Siriusly, reading this just made the rest of my week. :D
~Sammie
*loves this* This first chapter was fantastic. Now, not only do I love “Ella’s Bella” I also love “Elle’s Cissy” :D I really liked the fiery attitude that you gave her – it was something different, that we rarely see. She’s still cold and icy like we see in canon, but you’ve made her less ‘frozen-doll’-like (if I make sense…) and more human, which is fantastic.
It’s really clever how you begin the story with Narcissa talking about how much she hates Harry and how much her life has been ruined because Harry ‘didn’t die’. And yet you end on Narcissa’s hatred of the Dark Lord, and how much he too has ruined her life. How ironic!
But of course not, he couldn’t be sentenced at all because he was Harry Bloody Potter.
Draco would not get a free pass. He wasn’t Harry Potter.
I loved these two lines, how bitter they sounded and how much they contrasted. It makes it seem a bit unfair really, that Harry will not be punished. We see everything from Harry’s view in canon and so are often channelled that way, to think that anything that the ‘good’ side do can be justified. It’s not often that we consider that the dark side also has similar justifications and problems. Your version seems so realistic!
…she would end up somewhere, or perhaps the exposure would kill her.
Whoah! That’s so intense, I really reach out to Narcissa. Her blunt tone is so painful to read, it’s almost as if she doesn’t care about anything anymore and just wants to die so that it can all be over.
Hatred surged through her each time she thought of the monster that had destroyed everyone she loved.
I don’t know if I’m reading in too deeply, though I suppose it can be justified either way, but in comparison to Narcissa’s views on Harry, it almost seems as if – from this part, that she resents the Dark Lord even MORE than she dislikes Harry. This is quite surprising, but then again, Voldemort probably *has* hurt her family more in the long run!
It’s really interesting how you have Narcissa turn to drink here. It’s both a vivid and intensely realistic way of showing how ‘astray’ she is, and how hopeless she may feel. Your description of ‘imperfection’ is really good! I like the fact that the painting on the inn sign is in “sloppy green letters”…I can almost imagine what sort of inn it is – bound to have some Firewhiskey, that’s for sure!
Great chapter! *goes off to read more!* ~Suzie xx
Author's Response: Wow, Suzie! Thanks so much for the review. So much to respond to.
Let\'s see. *smiles* I\'m glad you like the way I write the Black sisters. As you know, I spend a lot of time working with these characters, especially Bella.
Narcissa\'s feelings about Harry and the Dark Lord. She does hate the Dark Lord more. He is what started it all, but she certainly has a lot of resentment for Harry as well, he has caused her a lot of pain, especially with killing Lucius. However, what Narcissa fails to notice in her little rant is that she and her family made choices, just like Harry and Voldie. They chose the lives they lead and ultimately they were responsible for what happened as well, but this is something that people rarely realize when they\'re hurting.
Hmmm...when you say that Narcissa doesn\'t care about anything, that\'s not really true. She doesn\'t much care what happens to her, she can\'t find anything left to live for, but as the story progresses you\'ll see that she still cares what happens to the rest of her family.
Anyway, thank you so very much for the lovely review. *huggles Suzie*
The witch who actually defeated the Bandon Banshee had a hairy chin, but with all she’d been through I didn’t want to mention it and make things worse.
*giggle* Gina, that made me laugh! I agree though – poor Isabel! This ballad is fantastic. I’m kind of glad it turned out ‘serious’ as it works really well. I love the rhythm that you had, with the rhyme in the third line of each stanza. The rhythm was really steady, clear and consistent; you’ve done a great job!
To right the wrong and fight the song
The banshee used to slay.
Like Euphrates, I really liked this part, especially your use of ‘song’. It seems like quite an ironic statement that something that is usually beautiful like music, can be used to kill in a screechy song.
I loved this too: As for Gilderoy, the prat, That just about sums him up I think! :p
My only (teeny) nitpick is an American spelling: Their honor earned, their lives returned: in the second to last line. ‘Honor’ should really be ‘honour’ :)
You’ve done a great job on this poem Gina! I love the style and the fantastic rhythm/rhyme that you used. I could follow the tale really well, and the idea of using the Bandon Banshee as a theme is so refreshing! Fantastic :D I wish you luck in the challenge! *huggles*
~Suzie
Author's Response: Suzie! Thank you so much for coming to read this poem! And thank you for the fantastic review as well! *blushes* I\'m really glad you enjoyed it. You caught me on my British spellings again. ;) I\'m glad you could follow the story, and that the rhythm was consistent for you. I enjoyed writing this, even though I\'m still surprised at how it turned out! Thanks again for reading it and leaving such a nice review. Good luck with your ballad as well! ~Gina :)
*squees* *dances * Yay!*huggles fab fic* Sorry it’s taken me so long to get round to reviewing, but here’s my babble! And thank you SO MUCH for the A/N, I’m so honoured to be at the start of this fab story.
Seriously. This fic is AMAZING, there are so many things I love about it! Your portrayal of Sirius and Regulus is simply fantastic and your storytelling skills equally so.
Up above, a flock of seagulls danced in the satin pink sky, caressing the fluffy white clouds with their distinctive mocking cries.
The idyllic introduction works really well, and I like how you describe all of the senses. I also like the way that “mocking cries” sounds in this sentence – it sort of gives us a slight hint that things may not be so perfect, which is a really clever way to lead into events.
His name was Sirius Black and this was the worst night of his life. This line just on its own made me want to hug Sirius. It’s such a blunt statement that says so much and emphasises that this night is bad; it doesn’t elaborate which in a way makes situations seem worse. Poor Sirius.
If they had taken a closer look through the mask of a smile that Sirius had fixed onto his face, ignored the casual little tune that he was humming, and spotted the red traces of tears lingering on his cheeks, they would have noticed that this particular boy was feeling anything but normal.
Again, these lines were really emotional to read. I could conjure up the image of the Knight bus, with everyone minding their own business and ignoring Sirius. It’s quite sad really that nobody really ‘cares’ about strangers and that none of them could see through the barrier that he had erected around himself. Sirius’ actions here are really IC – I could see him desperately trying to ignore the fact that the situation is bad, and humming as if he is trying to forget what has happened, but all the same allowing tear to leak from his eyes. It’s as if he can’t help it, and for a boy of his age, that really does show how bad things are.
Sirius Black was in an emotional turmoil, and the image of a ‘hard’ man that he was desperately trying to keep up…
Yes, yes yes… *snicker* I am STILL sick-minded. *hides* But this line does echo what I said before. Sirius, who would probably normally be very outgoing and unwilling to let his feelings show, is actually breaking down – which says a lot about what has happened. You’ve portrayed this really well! Just one pick – I think there should be a line between this paragraph and the next :)
Cowardice was not supposed to be something Sirius Black had. He was a Gryffindor; he had bravery, courage - all that crap - but this time was different from jinxing Snivellus because he had attacked James, or stopping Moony from taking a bite out of Peter.
Oooh! I love Sirius’ tone here. It’s almost as if he’s feeling trapped enough to defy the Gryffindor stereotype of being all-brave. I like the added “all that crap” which suggests that Sirius has better things to worry about at the moment than being brave and what others think of him. The part about Moony biting Peter made me laugh hilariously the first time I read it. Though maybe that was just me…I love his slightly dry humour though, it’s very *Sirius*.
The way that you switch between the different scenes/memories is fantastic. You just jump right into it and get to the point. Starting the second part with Regulus saying "Only, I thought that was more a Slytherin thing, running away.” shows so much about the stereotypes that are around, and in essence, it gets right down to one of the main reasons why the brothers are now so divided. They – being in different houses have been conditioned to perceive one another in different ways, which ultimately leads to a permanent split. Their subsequent conversation is also very emotional and typical of brothers. I could see all of their confusion coming out, about how much everything is changing – I feel sorry for Regulus and Sirius both in a way, as it seems that all the changes are due to circumstances beyond their control. *sigh*
…all he could see was Regulus staring at him and his reflection glaring at him with such an intensity he felt like he would break.
I love the difference that this part makes with the idea that the staring was something that the two of them did when they were little – the difference in situation is so stark and contrasting. I almost get the feeling that this was something that they did all the time as children, and could do easily, whereas now though Regulus is trying and staring as hard as he can they can’t really make it work anymore.
And then when Regulus hit Sirius…that made me go – whoah. It was amazing that Sirius didn’t retaliate, and I’m glad he didn’t. He doesn’t really have much to gain by fighting and I think that he understands this. I can see that he desperately wants to reconcile with Regulus before he goes, seeing that his departure is something between him and their parents only; he doesn’t want to lengthen the divide more by fighting.
He waited for him to say something else, half expecting Regulus to make another attack, half wishing that he would. I love the mixed feeling here – they’re so powerful. It would (obviously) be harder for the brothers to communicate once Sirius leaves, and (I’m not sure how far on the war is) perhaps the two of them already sense that they will end up on opposing sides in the war. In a way, I think Sirius would probably rather Regulus hit him again, and then he could leave with something to hate his brother with. Hatred is probably a thick barrier than regret/love. *sigh*
Just as he was about to say something however, Regulus began to speak in a tumble of mashed up words. I don’t know if you just wanted this effect, but ‘mashed up words’ here sounds a bit odd; I don’t know if that’s just me… ‘mixed up words’ probably sounds a bit better, but that’s just my opinion. :)
"You said that they didn't matter, Mum and Dad, you said that the real family was just us two."
*loves* That has got to be one of my favourite lines! (Which is why I snagged it for the poem :p ) The ‘just us two’ especially gave me tears in my eyes – it’s such a childlike way of putting it, and for a moment Regulus sounds quite helpless, such a contrast from the violent moment before but written so well. Well done!
"GO!" Sirius was shocked by the way that venom and anger had suddenly replaced the sadness in his brother's voice.
Though Sirius doesn’t seem to see it, it seems as if here, Regulus is feeling exactly the same pain as his brother was a moment before, wishing that Regulus would hit him again…mask all the pain with hatred and anger. It’s too bad that both of them have so much to hide, but then again that’s not surprising.
All he could hear in his mind was Regulus’s bitter laughter ringing through the empty corridors and rooms above.
He slammed the black painted door, the laughter choke into a racking, heartbroken sob.
I’ve read this fic so many times now, and I think I’ve only just understood this line. This last line was referring to Regulus, right? I’d always interpreted it as Sirius, perhaps masking his fear with laughter, then breaking down as he closes the door to his home. But then I saw the part about Regulus laughing, and it hit home. So Regulus *is* sorry to see him go. It’s so tragic that the two of them are both equally upset, both equally afraid to show it, and as a result something as catastrophic as this happens. *facepalm*
A teeny nitpick: I think that “choke” in that sentence should be “choked”?
Sirius took one last look at the now inky sky. “Farewell Little King,’ he whispered, eyes prickling unpleasantly, as he slowly turned and stepped through the open door.
*Suzie’s eyes prickle too* Such a fantastic ending, I love it. Saying goodbye to Regulus made me feel really emotional. The open door at James’ house seems almost symbolic of something – as if he is moving from the closed door of his old life, into a newer one. Though the new life is definitely going to be more pleasant than the one he has lived up until now, there have also been some ‘unpleasant’ events, which we have seen. The beginning of the end I guess. *sigh*
This story is so full of emotion – love and hatred and regret, as well as the themes of difference and change. It’s made me sigh a lot in places, laugh a bit, and for the rest of the time, sit here with tissues dabbing my eyes. This is definitely one of the best fics I’ve ever read about Sirius and Regulus’ relationship. What’s great about your portrayal is that you show both their similarities and their differences. You show how they used to be together and what brought them together – but also that which has torn them apart. You’ve built on what we know from canon and made it even more vivid (especially the part about the scars). Serious Claire, this story is AWESOME. You should be so proud! *huggles*
~Suzie xx
Author's Response: *has a heartattack*
I.LOVE.YOU!
Seriously Suzie, this review is 1,621 words long! That\'s practically a story in itself!!! Thankyou so so SO much for leaving such a long and fantastic critique, you\'ve made me all teary with happiness! *sniffs*
I\'ve gone through and edited the format a bit, reduced the amount of spaces between lines and then added a few etc. and I changed the \'choke\' at the end. I didn\'t change the \'mashed up\' though because I think it helps add the impression I was trying to give of Regulus being so hasty to get out what he\'s saying, that the words are sort of colliding with each other. Make sense? Probably not lol but I thought it worked at the time :)
*giggles* About the \'hard man\' line... I almost cut that bit after you made your initial comment because every time I read it I went into fits of laughter, but I left it in because I couldn\'t admit to myself that our minds were really that dodgy. So THERE! Behave! *laughs*
Thankyou for your comments on Sirius being slightly mocking about the Gryffindor values, I wrote him this way because I think that Sirius resents the idea of fitting into other peoples\' stereotypes and he also (very VERY deep down) slightly resents being a Gryffindor at all- things would have been so much easier for him if he could have just been Slytherin.
I can see that he desperately wants to reconcile with Regulus before he goes, seeing that his departure is something between him and their parents only; he doesn’t want to lengthen the divide more by fighting.
yes, yes, YES! That is exactly what I was trying to get at, I wanted to show that however troubled Regulus and Sirius’s relationship is, it’s nothing compared to the way Sirius sees his parents. In my mind Sirius never left because of his brother. I know there’s that line in OotP where Sirius says something like
‘because I hated the lot of them, my parents with their pureblood mania and my idiot brother stupid enough to believe them…’
but I’ve always thought that Sirius got angrier and more brooding over the years and liked to pretend to himself that Regulus was nothing to do with him, especially when he joined up with Voldermort. I actually have very vague plans to write another oneshot as a kind of sequel to this one about how Sirius leaving Grimmauld Place actually leads to Regulus joining Voldermort but I’m not sure if it will ever happen.
Anyway, SO glad you get the bit about the laughter at the end. This is a very key point for me in the story because I think it basically sums up everything about the two brothers and how similar they are, not wanting anyone to know their emotions. You\'re right about how it\'s tragic, I personally think that it\'s this pivotal moment which sends Regulus down the path towards becoming a Death Eater.
And to conclude... Thankyou thankyou THANKYOU Suzie from the bottom of my big chocolatey heart, you have made this story just as much as I have with your constant encouragement, help and squee-ing and I am SO glad that you think all the weeks of preparation are worth it! *hugs even harder and showers with teddy bears*
*~* Claire *~* xxx
Author's Response: ^ yuck, none of the formatting worked. I hope you can understand that, if you can\'t then I\'ll post a formatted version at your LJ. xx
Wow Mask – the atmosphere in this fic was so mysterious and chilling, you’ve done a great job!
I love the way that you’ve characterised both Tom Riddle and the goddess; I especially liked the way that Brigid speaks to Tom, she sounds a bit condescending and all-knowing…which I think is something that Tom needs to be exposed to! It really gives us an idea of how little Tom knows of such things as immortality – he was limited by things he could find in books and dark magic, but in matters such as ancient tales before his time, and of things like immense Horcruxes in the hills, Tom knows nothing.
I like the way that he is referred to as “Tom” throughout the story. Though he says that he is immortal, being referred to by his birth name makes him look more naïve and human, so enhances the effect that the goddess has on him.
The italics – wow. They were really chilling and powerful; you used them sparingly and extremely well. I especially found the beginning of the fic spooky, with the italicising of “I am immortal” and “I cannot be killed”. Being repeated by Tom, they sounded as if he was trying to tell the world that this was true, as well as reassuring himself.
In other parts of the fic, this ‘reassurance’ element shows through very well:
She is wrong. Wrong! She knows nothing…
I love this, because it makes Tom look so helpless. The repetition of “wrong” makes the goddess seem even more “right” and the trailing off using elision was very effectively used, as if Tom’s slowly losing confidence and refuses to believe what he has been told. The last line confirms his stubbornness: She is nothing but a foolish, lonely old woman. He makes it plain that he will not take her advice – yet I wonder if he will forget it, or will it simply haunt him…
The first edge of her light spewed over the veiled horizon, flushing the mist red.
The imagery here is fantastic. I can picture a sort of sunrise, with a blood-red sky and horizon; this sets the scene really well. I especially love you use of “spewed” which sounds a bit revolting, as if the light itself is not pure.
She laughed again, and Tom decided that he would learn to use that pitch and tone. It was more menacing that anything he’d heard.
Though he seems to act like he knows what he is doing, that he is powerful etc etc.. this part shows that Tom does perhaps respect the goddess slightly? I like the idea that he decides to copy her tone…it makes him sounds a lot less ‘evil’, surely all evil villains invent their own laugh? :p
“…Death is a lover, waiting to embrace you. Death is a long sleep after a life’s work, a fitting ending while your deeds in life still have meaning. Death will not defeat you, but in your foolishness, life might…”
Wow. These lines are so powerful, and true too. It sounds like the sort of thing Dumbledore would say in a way (Death is the next great adventure etc…) but this is somewhat darker and more meaningful. I suppose that there is also an underlying tone of regret from Brigid here, as she is truly immortal so knows that it will not be what Tom imagines.
…Return to your fake immortality, your false sense of superiority, Muggle child.”
Again, quite condescending and all-knowing, but I love it. I love the idea of Tom being called a “muggle child”…he must have hated that!
I just have a tiny nitpick:
The sun labored upward, pregnant with the coming day’s heat, and Tom awaited her.
Here, the British spelling of “labored” is “laboured”. :)
Other than that, this fic is great! My favourite parts are the chilling italics and fantastic imagery. You’ve done a great job here with yet another fantastic challenge entry – good luck!
~Suzie xx
This is absolutely awesome! Your choice of words is fantastic and always fits the rhythm. The whole tale flowed well and was easy to follow. I love how each stanza passes so smoothly to the next.
[I]He fled downhill and dove into
The ocean’s icy tide
And made his journey westward with
The night sky as his guide.[/I]
I love this imagery – it fits well and moves the story along, which is cleverly done. The part about the night sky especially, I like because it creates such a vivid picture of Sirius swimming across the icy ocean, looking up and following the stars.
The parts of the ballad in italics are sparingly and VERY well used. They were chilling, and I could almost hear James’ and Sirius’ voices through the flow of the poem. [I]We trust you, Padfoot. Yes, you’re right,/ He is the better choice.[/I] These lines are so powerful! You don’t specifically mention that it is Peter that they are referring to here, but it’s nevertheless apparent, and the tone that the Potters speak in really emphasises Sirius’ guilt. He must feel terrible for making the wrong decision when all their trust had been placed in him.
[I]I failed you, James, but this I vow,
I will not fail your son.[/I]
Incredible ending. It’s like a sort of promise that Sirius makes to himself, which is a conclusive way to end the ballad. It also seems like a new ‘beginning’, which could lead onto something else. Very intense and wonderfully written.
This was great! Good luck with the challenge! ~Suzie
Author's Response: Wow, this just made my day! Thank you for the kind review; I appreciate it.
Elle – look what you’ve done now! :p I’m actually crying. I think that this is one of your best stories ever, though they’re all awesome…heh.
I was wondering all the way through who it was that Bella had killed. You (cleverly) had made it sound as if she was upset/traumatised because she had killed for the Dark Side for the first time. When I read the part about the crib and realised what this was about, I was just speechless. Seriously, this plot was so fantastic.
Bellatrix Lestrange sat on a large rock overlooking the gorge. Tears streamed down her face and she couldn’t help but think everything would be better if she just jumped.
Such a powerful start to the story! It really caught my attention and kept me reading. This ‘desperate’ version of Bella was quite paining but realistic to read. We rarely see her so upset, but then again she’s never been in such a situation in canon. Seeing how passionate she usually is about her beliefs, and how fiery she is when angry, it’s easy to imagine the lengths to which her desperation would be as well, and I think your portrayal is just perfect.
I love Rodolphus in this as well. It’s…um…different and…er..refreshing. *snicker*
I think that you’ve written both versions of Rodolphus excellently though. It’s nice to see him caring for Bella once in a while. This side of him really brought tears to my eyes – the fact that he is willing to forgive Bella and still love her and live with her despite the loss of their child gives such emphasis to their love. *wipes tear*
Going into that room was one of the hardest things she had ever been asked to do. She could sense the kind of emotion that would hit her when she entered and she wasn’t at all certain that she was ready to deal with it.
Those lines say something. Bella has the courage to face Voldemort, and whether she regrets her actions or not, she has the strength and stamina to kill. She doesn’t shy away from most duties, and yet she cannot do this. To me this seems as if she cares a lot more for her family and ‘love’ than she cares to admit.
The crib sat in the corner with the large white teddy bear, waiting for a child that would never be born.
Aww! This and all the lines after it that describe what the child could have been/done are so sad! I can see the image really clearly in my mind, of a room that is all ready with toys for the baby due, perhaps decorated, and with lots of baby clothes in the wardrobe…that will never be used. *sigh*
Just a tiny nitpick: No child would ever call her Mommy. She could never give her husband an heir.
Brits call their mothers “Mummy” if they use that version of the term. :) Other than that, the line was great – so vivid, it makes me want to reach out and give Bella and Rodolphus a cuddle.
I really loved this story, Elle. You always enter so many challenges with such amazing entries, and this was no exception! *huggles* The best of luck! *fingers crossed*
~Suzie xx
Author's Response: *huggles Suzie* This couldn\'t have come at a better time. You really gave me a much needed boost. *huggles Suzie again*
I will admit that I am rather proud of this story. It\'s one of my favorites and it has been rather neglected in the review area, but your review was wonderful! Although, I do apologize for making you cry.
I am very pleased to hear that you didn\'t realize what had happened until the end of the story, that was the idea, but I was worried I gave it away.
*smiles* People argue with me on a lot of aspects of Bella, but I must say no one has ever tried to convince me that she\'s not passionate. I felt that her passion was extra strong in this piece and its one of the many things I truly love about it. Thank you so much for your compliments in this area.
*giggles* Everyone likes my kind Rodolphus better. I don\'t know why my original take on him was so negative. He hasn\'t even spoken in canon! However, rather Rodolphus is kind or evil tends to change with my mood these days. I think this is my kindest portrayl of him to date though. In my mind, a husband would be forgiving in this instance. It really wasn\'t her fault, despite what she might believe in grief stricken state. There was a better chance that she would have escaped the battle in good health than there was that she would escape the Dark Lord in good health if she refused his order. She did the best she could and he knew that. Her grief at having lost their child would have been clear to anyone.
And the room. It was hard for because of her current state. She is normally strong and able to face what is required of her, but to come face to face with what she has lost, it was a big step. I do believe Bella cares about her family and she has admitted at least that she cares for Cissy in canon. However, I believe she cares for some of her umm...more distanced relatives more than she would like to admit. With passion and emotion that we have seen from her, albeit a little insane at times, there is no way anyone can convince me that she has no feelings. And I will always believe that she has a connection with her family that she may sometimes like to pretend isn\'t there, but it will never go away.
I fixed Mummy. Thank you for pointing it out.
So I just went through this paragraph by paragraph and responded. I hope it makes a little bit of sense. I wish I could quote like we do on the fourms.
Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you. *huggles Suzie* This review was truly wonderful. I love to see this story getting some attention. *more huggles*
*waves* I didn't know you had poems up until I read your Poetry Library post! I love Octopus' Garden, so thought I'd come check this out!
You kept the rhythm really smooth and consistent throughout this poem, it's perfect. And the rhyme too fitted very well. I love the way that you've told the whole story in a series of very short lines, it's very clever!
Very nice. Keep up the good work!
~Suzie
Author's Response: Hi! *waves back*
Thanks for your amazing review. :) It really made my day. Fun fact: I was actually going to write this as a one-shot but seeing as I have the attention span of a...well, something with a really short attention span, I figured I would write a poem instead. :D
Thanks again! *huggles*
~Sammie
Stacey! *huggles* I thought I’d have a little read of this and I just had to review – this story is incredible, the dark atmosphere you’ve created is absolutely chilling.
I love the first person perspective that you’ve used; it really helps in incorporating Harry’s thoughts into the events. As I read on I could almost feel him falling into darkness, as he ignored Snape’s warnings. I felt like reaching out and shaking him and telling him to stop it. *sigh*
And, for the first time in a long time, I used a Light spell, because I knew it was the only way to defeat him. This really shows how far gone Harry is at this point. Without Dumbledore and his other ‘mentors’ to guide him Harry seems to have truly forgotten what the purpose of the war was, and why he was chosen to be the one who could defeat Voldemort. I love the last part of this line – it says so much. He is only using the Light spell because he realises that this is what he is supposed to do, he’s not doing it because he believes in conquering evil with good but because he knows it’s the only way that evil can be defeated…anyway, wow.
I tried to think of my parents, but I realized that I could no longer remember what they looked like. I thought of Sirius and Dumbledore, but they were gone as well.
Again, fantastic. The way that this story is written, we gradually realise as it progresses, that Harry is losing touch with what he used to be, he is forgetting what the real purpose of the war is. This part really homes in on it, emphasises it and makes it real. From canon we know how much these characters, Sirius, Dumbledore, James and Lily once meant to Harry. They were his role models, and he trusted their judgements beyond anything. The fact that he has lost even the memory of their faces is truly disturbing.
Harry’s denial that he is falling, throughout the story, is so realistic. It started out innocently enough. I got some books from Knockturn Alley…” That part immediately started the alarm bells ringing in my head. Anybody’s descent into evil probably started off as innocent curiosity – I suppose that even Voldemort’s fascination with immortality probably started out as a bit of curious background reading. I’m glad you used this sentence, it’s so foreboding!
The creature that he encountered was just CHILLING. You described it so well and I could almost feel Harry recoiling and trying to convince himself it was a trick because he refused to believe that he could possibly turn into something like that. The only part that I found slightly confusing was the bit slightly after that, telling of Harry’s new ‘powers’. I found this a little unusual that he could suddenly see all of these ‘aura’s around people. Was this some sort of test to see if Harry would learn to use his powers in a way that is beneficial/that his powers would not overcome him? I just thought that perhaps you could have made this bit a little clearer. :)
I was Harry Potter, the Chosen One. I would never fall to the Dark Arts. This line was so powerful – just wow. It’s quite ironic that when he was younger Harry didn’t want others to think he was special at all, just because the Dark Lord failed to defeat him. He wanted to be an ordinary boy, and yet here he is purposefully stating that he is above the rest and would never EVER fall to the Dark Arts simply because of who/what he is. Sadly, it’s a realistic thing to happen at this stage. *sigh* You’ve portrayed his character fantastically well and I think that this justifies his actions (to him anyway) perfectly.
I only found one tiny Britpick: And then, to humor him, I looked up “deathly”. Here, “humor” should be of the British spelling: “humour”. Other than that I think you’ve done a great job on Briticisms and grammar. :)
Finally, (as I think I’ve rambled on enough…) possibly my favourite part of this story is the wonderful quote. It’s fantastically eerie, it speaks truth and stays relevant throughout the story. Putting the whole thing in right at the start establishes the atmosphere clearly, and we immediately prepare for what is to be a dark story. Each time you quote a portion, it fits into the text before and after it seamlessly. Fantastically written.
Heh heh. I’m just finishing off your banner as I type this (saving files etc. :D) I hope it does this story justice. *huggles*
This was amazing. Good luck in the challenge!
~Suzie
Author's Response: Thank you so much for the time and effort you put into this review, and for my banner! It\'s absolutely awesome and fits the story perfectly! I\'m no good at dark, grungy banners and you did exactly what I wanted. Thankies! Now, onto replying to your review...
\"I felt like reaching out and shaking him and telling him to stop it.\"
Good, because I did, too LOL. I feel like reaching out and shaking Harry all the time, actually. I think in the real books, his lack of wanting to do anything is what\'s disturbing to me. I wanted to illustrate how it could go the completely other way.
\"Was this some sort of test to see if Harry would learn to use his powers in a way that is beneficial/that his powers would not overcome him?\"
Ding ding ding! Wow, you\'re the only person so far to realize that ;) Yes, they were a \"good\" power. Whatever the deathly hallows were, they were giving him new powers which each Horcrux he destroyed. It just depended on how he used it. Harry decided to use this new power against his enemies... maybe against everyone... so the power became dark, and he kept falling.
\"My favourite part of this story is the wonderful quote. It’s fantastically eerie, it speaks truth and stays relevant throughout the story. Putting the whole thing in right at the start establishes the atmosphere clearly, and we immediately prepare for what is to be a dark story. Each time you quote a portion, it fits into the text before and after it seamlessly.\"
I had that quote in my head for months, I just needed a story to go along with it. And I added the quote in pieces as an afterthought, because the story showed Harry\'s progression, and then I read the quote again and realized that I had given myself some pretty good prompts LOL. Thanks again for the banner and the review! I\'m so glad that you liked it :)
Wow, it seems like ages since I last reviewed something of yours! I love the layout of this work – combining the two sonnets into one piece work really well, and the summary was simple but intriguing!
The choice of title for these two sonnets is really interesting – in essence, fate and destiny mean the same thing as they’re synonyms. However we see how Harry and Tom, though both grew up in difficult environments, have turned out as different as can be, opposites of a spectrum almost.
The rhythm and choice of words throughout these poems are excellent. The beat is steady and strong throughout.
Where one man stood alone, set to defy.
Here, the emphasis in the beat is on “to” which doesn’t sound quite right when read out loud, as “to” isn’t a key word in this line. Maybe try something that emphasises “defy” here, e.g. defiance?
I was also a bit unsure about this line: But lost his life and had to say good-bye.
Although here the word “goodbye” works well with the rhyme, it seems almost colloquial and doesn’t fit with the overall atmosphere for this poem.
And learned the arts of magic most unknown,
To realize his power over life.
These two lines are really eerie! The last part in particular, almost sounds curious and inquisitive rather than evil, when referring to horcruxes. I felt as if we were seeing the things that Tom discovered, in the way that he would have viewed them. Tom saw what he was learning, and all these forbidden discoveries as something that would benefit him, and felt proud at discovering this power that he had, rather than feel, as most people would, that perhaps these things were better left alone.
The sky was drenched with blood red clouds on high,
As stars rose to their heights amid the glow.
The field was dark and silent down below,
Where one man stood alone, set to defy.
I love this imagery, it’s incredibly vivid and powerful. I could see the image of a battlefield at some poignant moment, with the shadow of one man who could change everything. I love the mention of stars here; it’s not only beautiful but emphasises the importance of fate really well.
Overall, these poems are great; the two really compliment each other! I especially like the concepts and imagery. :) Well done Gina!
Suzie xx
Author's Response: Having just posted a second set of sonnets, I thought I should properly thank you for this lovely review, however late. I still read it and really appreciate your thoughtful, insightful, kind review for these poems. So THANK YOU! ~Gina :)
Omigosh Déjà vu *headdesk* I’d completed forgotten that the poem you asked me to look at was for this challenge…so I was like ‘ooh she has a poem up, lets read!’. Saw my name and was like, ‘ooh…’. :D lmao.
Anyway, fab poem! The rhythm is so clear, I love it!
He wished this girl would join him to the dance,
I love the wording of that line. It’s simple but somewhat archaic, and formal like you’d see at a formal ball between couples. Lovely.
It was his time; so nearly in a trance,
He called her name, determined now to try.
I like the emotion in that – you’ve captured the essence of the guy asking the girl to the ball very well and I could see the scene unfolding in my head.
This is great - *nudges Jen to write more poetry* :p Good luck in the challenge!
~Suzie
Author's Response: Oooh, thank you so much, Suzie! Lol, yes, you helped me out quite a lot back then and you\'ve encouraged me to keep writing poetry... So right now I\'ve got a Draco poem under construction, and if it works out well, it\'ll be up soon, too =D Thank you for the praise, really, just getting my very first poem approved on the first try made me overjoyed! =D Thanks again, both for taking the time to read and for dropping me such a nice review! *huggles* *presents thank-you-cookie* <3
*delays making Elle’s banner for a bit while she reviews this AMAZING story*
This story is just – wow – so amazing! In the last chapter I was wondering at first who “Ella” was, but slowly thought about it being Bella…am I right? Considering Neville’s reactions?
What I love about your writing style is how you have the ability to always draw the reader in from the very first line. You make us really interested in the story, and I always feel as if I’m sort of watching events unfold, like on a slow tape. I’ve been looking for something good to read for ages, something that draws me in like that and I love this story.
I love Cassie – she seems to have a bit of Gryffindor spunk in her, which is ironic because her daring is exactly what we saw in the Trio and many of the others, whilst they were at Hogwarts….yet now Harry is rebuking this very behaviour. The statement in the previous chapter about Ella being their friend really makes me wonder…how did Frank and Cassie find out about her? Why are they friends? I hope this is revealed soon.
I love the way that you use Harry’s letter as a way of expressing how serious the situation is. Even when I read it, I could feel how abrupt it was and how formal and cold. It really made me FEEL as if I was part of the situation, and with Neville, wondering what on earth could have happened to cause a friend to change his behaviour in such a way.
“He’s fine.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because I am his mother.”
That’s really nice. It seems like such a ‘mother’ thing to say, and a very ‘Luna’ thing to say at the same time! Fantastic!
Just one nitpick near the very end of chappy 2: Hatered etched across his face and he could feel himself shaking with rage. It should be ‘hatred’ there. :) Other than that, the ending of this chapter was just so powerful. You’ve summed up Neville’s anger in such a short passage and yet all of it shows through. It reminds me of the part in OOTP where Neville confronts Bella; we never usually see him so angry, apart from when he is in such a situation, and this scene kind of throws everything back there again. I’d love to see where this goes.
Amazing chapter, amazing story. *huggles* The next chapter looks like it’s in the queue, am I right? *favourite* I just hope I can make a decent banner to go with this piece of awesomeness. :D
~Suzie
Author's Response: *huggles Suzie and dances around happily*
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
This story is my current project and I am very fond of it. It\'s been a lot of fun to work on.:D
And who is Ella? That seems to be the question. Obviously, I can\'t answer it. What would be the fun in that? However, the clues are piling up. The next chapter is all clues and the name is revealed at the end. So you won\'t have to wonder if you\'re right for long.
And again, thank you so much. It\'s nice to hear that I was able to draw you in so quickly. I was worried the first chapter might turn people off because of the OCs. Glad to hear that didn\'t happen with you.
Cassie. I love her, too. I think of her as a combination of what Hermione, Tonks and Bella would have been like at that age. Although, she is no relation to Hermione, I find the two similar in many ways. I really enjoy writing her.
As for Harry discouraging her. He probably wouldn\'t be if it weren\'t for Ella. His concern is not so much with her behavior as it is with the company she keeps.
Why did Frank and Cassie end up friends with Bella? Really I don\'t plan to have a lot of detail on that. There will be a few mentions throughout of situations, but it\'s similar to the trio and Hagrid. She became their friend because she was willing to listen to them and didn\'t talk down to them. They, Cassie especially, were kind of outcasts and she was nice to them. They also felt that she needed the help, knowing the way Harry treated her.
The letter. That was kind of fun to write. I wanted to come of McGonagall like. Her voice was in my head while I wrote it. After all, it needed to sound firm and professional, not at all like Harry.
Luna. *sigh* This is the first time I have ever written her. I will admitt that I don\'t really know what I\'m doing. However, I also liked that line and I\'m glad to hear it did what it was suppose to.
I\'ll fix hatred. Thanks for pointing it out. As for Neville, I was thinking about his reaction in OoTP when I wrote this. I was really thinking of him in the DA and how determined he was after the Mad Eye thing, when I picked his job. It really seemed to suit him.
And yes, the next chapter is in the que. *smiles* It takes things in a slightly different direction. :D
Again, thanks so much for the review. And I\'m sure your banner will be wonderful. Your banners are always wonderful. *huggles Suzie*
*crosses fingers and hopes that the review posts*
Wow Jen, this story is really something and so deserved that honourable mention; well done!
I love the atmosphere you’ve created throughout, of mystery and death and things-we-are-not-quite-sure-about. :D The ongoing theme of the burnt twig and the ash is so clever as it makes the ending with the ring and the burnt down house so much more effective. Your descriptions in this story are always so vivid and realistic; I love the style. And I like the way that you’ve described the effects of the ring – it’s not overly described or exaggerated as in some stories; this is just right. We can almost feel Dumbledore’s pain and the power of the ring/its enchantment…wow.
An eerie silence lay over the scene, as if everything that once had lived there was now dead. Nothing of any colour other than deathly black or dusty grey was in sight.
This is amazing. I personally am an imagery lover so this story is to me. This part sets the atmosphere so well and it helped me to picture the scene, which is something I always like to do in a story. It tells us a lot about the sort of place it is – though we see in the Pensive that the Gaunt house may once have been wild/colourful, it is dead now.
A simple, gold ring lay innocently upon a piece of stone, bathed in ashes and grime. It did not look much to the world, but Albus’ knew what resided in this ring. This made it far less innocent than it led its viewer to believe.
I love the concept of this. There’s such a sense of forboding here, and the scene is just so TENSE and FULL – it’s awesome. The idea of the simple gold ring amongst the grey ashes is so powerful, and really singles out the importance of the ring. It kind of makes me want to go make a banner. :D
I really like your characterisation of Dumbledore in this story. We see here that he’s powerful enough to destroy something like this horcrux, but at the same time he is not invincible; he experiences pain and loss, he has to struggle, he is HUMAN. Brilliant.
He had finally found the subject for his search, and examined it rather interestedly in his aged hand while breathing raggedly.
I also like your emphasis on his age here. It’s really put a stress on the fact that there is a price to be paid for what Dumbledore is about to do.
He knew that this was inevitable; that he had to endure this and that there was no point in delaying it. To this ring, one had to prove one’s worthiness.
Oooh this bit sounds almost Slytherin to me. :p Well, the part about worthiness anyway. And yet there’s undoubtedly an overtone of Gryffindorness to it, Dumbledore not shying away from what this task may cause is truly a Gryffindor trait.
The part describing Dumbledore’s reaction to putting on the ring is truly well written. There’s a real sense of fear going on, and like the cave scene in HBP it almost makes the reader start to panic as well.
This fic has a sense of triumph at the end of it, a sense of achievement at what has occurred.
Only one who could live through the trial of being flamed and flared into oblivion, only one who defied death when being introduced to it, could touch this ring and live to tell the tale.
I love the repetition of ‘only one’ – it almost sounds like a prophecy of the speech of someone really powerful. Flamed and flared into oblivion is such an incredible way of describing this – it emphasises the hell-like atmosphere that exposure to the ring must create.
Self-righteous and superior as he was, the man who had made this ring differ from other plain, simple rings, he had thought that the only one capable of this was himself.
Whilst I was reading this I felt that this paragraph was sort of ambiguous – like you were comparing Dumbledore and Voldemort, and their strengths. ‘Self righteous and superior’ is definitely what we know of Voldemort – his arrogance that he was the only one who was powerful enough to defy death, to create the most powerful curses, that he was the only one who could find his horcruxes. There’s a sense of savage triumph from Dumbledore here I felt, almost as if he has battled Voldemort himself and won – which in essence I guess he has.
You should be so proud of yourself Jen. *huggles* This story is awesome. Your imagery of the burning, your description, characterisation, everything…is just amazing. Well done.
~Suzie
Author's Response: Aww, thank you so so much! *huggles Suzie*
The scary atmosphere was important to me; I\'m glad you think I\'ve captured that well! This is one of the scenes I wish were more thoroughly described in the books since it\'s such a special place, and I\'ve always imagined the place to be all dead-looking now, since the last Slytherins are gone (save Voldemort).
Haha, I never thought of it the Slytherin/Gryffindor way while writing, but that\'s so true! And I\'d love (another) banner from you, I\'ve just refrained from requesting from you lately, it seems unfair that I should take up your bannermaking time and leave none for anyone else =P *huggles board siggy*
I feel so honoured to have such a great review. (Hey, you should put it up for the review challenge =P) I am eternally grateful. *huggles and lotsa <3* =)
~Jen
Thank you for reviewing! :D
You’re the first person who’s spotted/pointed out the “Black” part – yes. I thought it’d be nice to have a dual meaning there. Thanks for the critique too, though I dunno, in my head that line sounds fine, hmm. Thanks anyway. :)
I wrote this poem quite quickly so it just flowed…I’m really glad you like it!
~Suzie
Author's Response: *headdesk*
I\'m such an idiot for reviewing my own fic instead of responding to the one below.
*hides*
Wow. This is such an interesting and surprising story! I’ve heard of/read about quite a few RAB theories but this is truly something original. I love the way you leave some clues throughout the story which make us question Voldemort’s character, though the ending for me still came as a total surprise. Very well written!
I like the way you have set out this story – having it in the first person makes characterisation so much more vivid and in perspective, almost as if we’re seeing things from inside Voldemort’s head, all his twisted thoughts etc. I like your introduction entry a lot, especially the way that you allow Voldemort to express the fact that he knows that what he is doing isn’t wholly right. Yet he carries on with his plans regardless, which truly reflects his ‘personality’.
As I fight to raise myself above the rest of humanity I grow less and less human.
I love the tone of this remark. To any outsider, it may seem as if by growing above humanity – i.e. a power issue, the ‘less and less human’ part sounds horrific. However from the tone of this it almost feels as if Voldemort doesn’t care, which is just … scary.
The hanging of one man, I realized, results in the death of his closest relatives. To the world they may seem intact, but inside they are torn apart.
Again, the tone of this is fantastic; chilling and powerful. It seemed to me that this statement was a remark about love. Voldemort/Tom Riddle, who has always hated the concept of love, seeing it as a form of dependence on others/weakness must despise this idea. To some, for others to grieve at the death of one in the family, this shows a positive sense of community and caring. I really like the way you’ve characterised Voldemort in this expression, it’s a great emphasis on what he values … amazing.
I really enjoyed the section devoted to Slughorn. It explained a lot about how Voldemort developed and came to create and value his Horcruxes. I thought it was particularly clever how you even blocked out the word ‘horcruxes’ showing that in a way, Voldemort doesn’t even trust himself/his diary not to get into the wrong hands. Slughorn’s characterisation in this part is exceptional. I love the way that he is nervous around Tom but determined to do the right thing. It kind of reflects what we know from canon later on – that Slughorn perhaps, feels as if he had his chance to rectify things but messed it up. *sigh*
“Alohamora,” I whispered. Using my weight as leverage, I heaved and the door slowly twisted outward.
Just a spelling pick – “Alohamora” should be “alohomora” :)
The last act of pain that will leave us unremembered and unimportant.
Fantastic way of putting things – this sort of sums up all of Voldemort’s ‘feelings’ I guess – he fears the pain, the unknown and the loss of power associated with death. Wow.
My only crit with this story is with the first part of it. There seems to be a bit too much emphasis on the first person perspective – you use ‘I…’ repeatedly, and the sense of Voldemort’s self seems a bit lost and the effect is dampened by this. It may be better to use fewer ‘I’’s to start the sentences, and just jump straight into the descriptions or replace these words wth ‘it’ or similar, if that makes sense. :) Other than this, great job!
Once again, this story is very well written, with some fantastic and creative ideas. I’ve never thought about Voldemort himself creating RAB, yet I’m glad you managed to tie in Regulus in this as well, it’s very clever and understandable! Awesome work, well done!!
~Suzie
Author's Response: wow. That was one of the most fantastic reviews I have ever recieved. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to write such a lengthy review. I will take your crit. into consideration and I will revise as soon as I have time.
Thanks :)
Ohh wow! This story is like the Anti-Elle! :p As in *OMS Rodolphus isn’t an abusive axe-murderer!!*
*cough* And I loved it. :D It’s really refreshing and different to see this aspect of Rodolphus – we don’t get enough of these stories.
I love your characterisation of Rodolphus throughout this story; it’s powerful and consistent. His mood and his opinions of others dominate the atmosphere of the story and it’s just amazing. I love the fact that Rodolphus begins the scene completely resigned to his fate and completely hopeless about everything. I think he remains this way about his own situation throughout the story, but in parts he seems to live through his wife – he finds consolation when he thinks about her, and though he does not seem to agree with some of the things she has done/how she has changed, he is grateful that she is free. Even at the end of the story when he implies that he is going to die, he does not seem to care nor mind, as long as his wife is still free.
He went from prisoner to slave; there was little improvement. If only he had known what the Dark Lord truly was when he was young, perhaps his life could have been different.
Wow. What a mood! There’s such a contrast between Rodolphus and Lucius in this – though they are both Death Eaters relatively high in the Dark Lord’s favour, they could not be more different in this situation. Lucius will do anything he can to get out of prison, whereas Rodolphus no longer cares. I love the first sentence above and what it implies – to me “slave” sounds even worse than prisoner. I think that in a way Rodolphus knows this; the terror of prison has gone, there is only a slight unpleasantness perhaps. And this does not compare to being a slave under Voldemort, something which is permanent. I kind of sensed regret here as well, whilst I was reading. It seems as if everything hinges upon Rodolphus and Bella joining the Dark Side; it makes us wonder what it would have been otherwise – perhaps their lives could have been different and Bella may not have ‘died’ inside.
They could take him. He would not fight. There was no need. … In one way, it would be like going home, but in another, it would be much worse than before.
This part sounds really dry, as if Rodolphus has seen it all before and no longer sees the point in kicking up a fuss. I can just imagine his resignation at being caught by the Aurors, knowing that there was no point in fighting, laughing at Lucius for even trying. The second part of that – wow. It’s almost like those criminals you see that spend their lives in and out of jail, so much so that it almost feels like ‘home’.
That whole paragraph I had to read several times before it really sank in, and when it did I was like, “aww”. I feel so sorry for Rodolphus now, having waited years on that false hope that things would improve, and then gradually realising that it never would, so much so that all of the hope has gone. ;(
She was the woman he loved and he had waited for the last fifteen years to have her by his side again. Is this a reference to their time in Azkaban? I’d always pictured that they were in the same cell…lol maybe that was just me… Or maybe neither of them could functionally think under the Dementors, so only realised how much had changed when they were capable of rational thought?
His wife would go to the end of the world for him, but if asked why she wouldn’t have an answer. The part of her that loved was gone; she was forced to live by pure instinct.
Wow. That is just … such an EXACT way of describing it. I can imagine there to be something like ‘love’ of sorts which is there – Bella doesn’t dislike her husband, and she would do anything for him like you say, but there’s no EMOTION involved. Sigh.
She escaped, he told himself, she had to.
There’s so much desperation conveyed in this short line. Just the expression ‘she had to’ is like Rodolphus wouldn’t be able to bear it any other way – that thought/consolation is the only thing that he can cling onto and relate to and he can’t bear to have it taken away…which all relates to the hope that he felt he lost earlier. Wow.
The ending of this story too, is really powerful. The idea that Rodolphus is blaming HIMSELF for what has happened to her… *sob* Like I said before, I felt like it’s almost as if he is living on through her and she is all that matters to him. There’s love of sorts on his side at least.
Elle, this is such a powerful story. It has so much EMOTION and so many undertones; so fantastically written! *loves* It was nice to see this different perspective of Rodolphus too. :)
*huggles*
~Suzie
Author's Response: OMS, Suzie! Thanks so much! This review was awesome. *huggles* *huggles some more*
*Will now attempt to respond coherently* You should think about joining SPEW, dear. You’re reviews are always so detailed and wonderful.
“Ohh wow! This story is like the Anti-Elle! :p As in *OMS Rodolphus isn’t an abusive axe-murderer!!*”
Haha! That really made me laugh. I loved that line. But I would like to point out that Rodolphus did not have an axe in any of my stories. :p However, I have certainly written him as an abusive murderer before. I really can’t wrap my head around him, so I have experimented with his character a fair amount. I haven’t really decided which version of him I like to work with better, yet.
In this story, Rodolphus really loves Bella. He feels that he coerced her into becoming a Death Eater and her bleak end is because of him. However, he understands that she can have a fragment of happiness outside of Azkaban serving Voldemort. He wants her to have that happiness. He loves her, and he wants her to have anything that can improve her life in anyway.
However, Rodolphus, himself knows that he will be no happier outside of Azkaban. All be wanted was to be reunited with Bella. She’s not the same person anymore. She no longer brings him the joy she once did. He doesn’t want to remain at the Dark Lord’s feet. He is just as content to sit in a cell.
And the fifteen years was a reference to their first stay in Azkaban. I didn’t think anyone was in the same cell there. To me, prisoners are left alone with their misery. They certainly wouldn’t allow a husband and wife to remain together so they could offer each other comfort. Or that has always been my take on it.
Also, yes, you were right. Rodolphus would not have been able to bear it if Bella had lost her freedom. He needed to know that she was safe. In a way, he was living through her, but he also felt guilty, blaming himself that she was in that condition in the first place.
Again, thank you so much for the utterly wonderful review. *more huggles* I’m glad you enjoyed the story. :D
Hehe. So I was reading this and I noticed that all your other chapters already have lovely shiny spewly reviews. So I claim this one first. *sticks out tongue* :D
Lucas is an amazing character. It’s weird that I’d heard of this story long before I actually came to read it, and at first I misread ‘Malory’ for ‘Malfoy’, and I always thought that the two sounded similar, so I was pretty surprised but pleased on finding out what this story was about, and I especially loved it when Grace mentioned this in one of the earlier chapters.
In a lot of the stories I’ve seen, a son of Lucius or Draco just ends up being a carbon copy of their father, which all the pure-blood mania and sneering habits; I’m glad that Lucas has taken a turn to be something different. It’s interesting to see how much ultimately, personality and character can be attributed to ‘genetics’ and how much can be attributed to upbringing. I think that part of the reason why Lucas is so different is a result of his mother’s upbringing and the lack of Lucius’ influence – and yet he does seem to have some of the same features, especially from what we saw in their Azkaban meeting.
The contrast between Lucas and Charlie Weasley is also pretty interesting to see. Lucas seems to always be more secretive, having more to hide and being much less open than Charlie. Charlie … I love your characterisation. I love it! Charlie has always been one of my favourite Weasleys, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see more of him in canon. I love the little quirks you give him, and your Charlie is so interesting. He’s always doing something different, something intriguing which makes you want to learn more about him and how his character and experiences differ in this story compared to what we know of in canon. It’s no wonder Lucas describes him as ‘unique’.
Charlie, obviously ravenous after a day of hard work, attacked his food with delight and gusto, while Lucas enjoyed the meal at a more modest pace.
It’s little things like this that show the sheer difference in their characters. It’s not just what they believe or how they’ve been brought up, it’s the things that they do subconsciously like this. I can imagine Charlie, who I imagine to have always been an ‘outdoors’ person, an active person to eat in this way, whilst I imagine Lucas who (I think he ended up on Ravenclaw?) to be much more organised, thoughtful, studious and calm.
Thatcher bowed again, and Lucas watched the scene with interest. He had never been cruel to a house-elf, but he had also never thought to praise one as a fellow wizard.
Again, it’s the subconscious things. Lucas may not have been exposed to the pure blood beliefs that Lucius surely could have imposed on him, but he has still be brought up in a world that is quite old fashioned, in an old fashioned aristocratic family who are sure to follow conventions. If Grace and Maximillian never paid any attention to their servants, neither did Lucas probably, without realising that they could indeed be praised and spoken to like any human.
All the while he was conscious of Charlie listening to his orders, and for some reason that made him leave out garments of silk and velvet, and go for clothes and objects of a more practical nature instead.
This shows us a fantastic side of Lucas’ character. It’s almost like peer pressure, or envy in some way, of Charlie’s carefree nature and way of life. It’s as if Lucas somehow senses that Charlie is more sensible than he is, or is more ‘free’. Heh.
Okay, please don’t laugh at me Anna … but at times it almost feels as if I’m reading something that borders on slash. It’s as if Lucas isn’t 100% straight as it seems that he is pretty much obsessed with Charlie. XD There. I said it. >.>
Yes, they had had a good start last week. Too good. Similar things had happened in his life before, and Lucas should have known it wasn’t to last this time either.
Then again, this feels like a very much friendship focussed comment. Though at times Charlie seems a bit too carefree, it can definitely be argued that Lucas is much too lost within himself. This part in particular made me feel sorry for him. It’s as if all the people he’s tried to make friends with in Hogwarts eventually turned out to not be friends at all, and this time he is on the verge of giving up before he has even tried.
The same warmth seemed to be radiating from it and inexplicable relief touched Lucas’ senses — the coin was not upset with him for his recent neglect; it had not disowned him.
Ahh … so he is curious about the coin after all. This appears to show us the sort of ‘binding’ feeling that Lucas must feel towards the Malfoys. Though family he does not want to help Death Eaters, and yet I think it would probably have pained him if the coin had not grown warm and had indeed ‘disowned’ him.
Hmm … this thing about the coin almost burning him when he thought of Lucius and the woman that he desperately wanted to join, when it grows warm does this mean that lucas is getting closer in his guesses, or does the coin merely ‘respond’ when Lucas thinks about his family?
“Don’t you look dashing.”
Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh. >.> I’ll shut up now, and keep reading.
I love your portrayal of Muriel! Muriel has always been a subject of amusement to me, I love the way that she likes to insult more or less everyone. Her calling Charlie ‘Charles’ is great too. :D
He did. He minded so much he thought his chest would burst from it, and was slightly overwhelmed by the unexpected rush of hurt.
This again, is really interesting. It seems ideal that it’s Muriel, someone who is blunt and cares nothing of what others think, who first brings up the topic of Lucas’ parentage. The fact that Lucas is hurt by this question/topic shows perhaps that he doesn’t bear a grudge towards his father, despite what he knows that his father has done. Perhaps there is a part of him, the part which grew up in high society, who would love for his pureblood status to be recognised, and another part that regrets that this can never happen.
“If my father were a Death Eater, I’d lie about it too.”
This comment is so harsh, blunt and cutting. It’s a brilliant end to the chapter and I’m glad that Charlie says something like this. The way that he says this is almost as if he is disappointed in Lucas, in whom he may have seen a very good friend, until he found the flaws. It also feels to me as if Charlie is misunderstanding Lucas’ character a bit, and not realising that not everyone can be as open as he himself is. Perhaps he wanted Lucas to denounce his father there and then, not realising how difficult this is and how confused Lucas must feel.
This story is exceptional Anna! I love Lucas, and I love the interaction between him and Charlie. You really know how to tell a fantastic and compelling story, well done!
*wants to read more soon pretty please?*
Suzie < 33
I love this Elle! The whole poem has a sombre mood to it, you can really feel Andromeda’s pain, not just for herself and her daughter but for all her family and all of the things that have happened. There is a real sense of regret here, which makes the poem so powerful.
I sit here in the dark, knowing I will always be alone.
I like how this establishes the mood of the poem. It’s a scene that you can picture as well – Andromeda sitting by herself in the dark, with it perhaps growing darker and darker but her having no strength to turn on a light. Her family is gone and she is alone…wow. I also like the way that you’ve written “beneath stone” for her family – a sort of euphemism for death I guess, but it works so well.
Memories of laughter and life dance through my mind.
There were so very few days of happiness and light.
I never dreamed that the world could be so unkind.
I never dreamed they would become victims of the fight.
This has got to be one of my favourite stanzas. It’s simplicity makes the pain and the sadness shine through even more. The repetition in the last two lines is really effective, and it sort of echoes what a lot of people probably think too – the whole “it won’t happen to me” stigma. And it contrasts starkly to the part before it, like it’s bringing Andromeda out of her happy memories and back into her harsh reality again.
I think of Sirius’ sweet, baby brother.
The quiet child with dreams to reach the sky.
I love this. There’s a sense of innocence to Regulus here and really makes us feel regret that his ‘dreams; were never achieved, and that he went astray, died young and never really got to *live*.
I like the change you made to the last line! :) There’s a finality to it which works really well – I also like your use of ‘Black blood and bone’. Alliteration, ooh! Lol… But yeah, that line is awesome; there’s a sense of the heritage of the family with the word choice.
Overall, you’ve done a fantastic job on this poem! *huggles Elle* The mood is defined and enhanced throughout by the rhyme and word choice. I love the theme, and how Andromeda thinks of all of her family who have suffered. I hope you continue to write more poetry!
:D
~Suzie
Author's Response: Wow, Suzie! Thanks so much for reviewing and betaing.
I\'m glad I captured Andromeda\'s anguish so well. I\'m still a little bit stuttery with poetry, as you know. ;)
I\'m glad you liked the changes to the last stanza. The blood and bone line was my favorite in the bone. :D So, I\'m glad you liked it as well. Also, it\'s good to know that I no longer sound like the terminator. ;) I\'m still chuckling over that, by the way.
Thanks again, for leaving a review!