Ariana,

This is a fantastic start to what I expect will be an amazing fic!!

What I really found intriguing were the little nuggets of forshadowing goodness you put in...the thing about Peter selling James for a cake, Sirius's favourite subject being Defence, and Snape trying to save Lily. I don't know if these will play into your story, but for canon, they are terrific forshadowings.

I definately think that the way you had all the characters react to Snape was absolutely perfect.

I think that your characterization of Lily, Snape, Peter, and Lupin are dead on, especially Peter being all unrecognizable without the others, that was good. I also like how you portrayed James, giving him a chance to be serious.

I kind of found Sirius's angry characterization slightly overdone in the first chapter at first, however I could see where he was coming from, being all concerned that he was losing his friendship. In the second chapter, however, I thought your characterization was dead on and I could definately see Sirius writing answers like that. :)

Overall, I think that this fic is excellently written and is destined for great things.
Good luck with the rest of the story :)

~Maple

Author's Response: Yay, I'm so glad you liked it so far! :) The bits of foreshadowing are one of my favorite parts to do, especially the Peter selling out James (I'm glad somebody caught that!) because I have issues with portraying Peter nicely, as I really, really hate him. Thanks for commenting on the characterization, I'm glad they're all nicely In Character. I don't think Sirius's outburst went over very well with lots of people, but the way I see it he feels he needs to show James that Lily isn't perfectly angelic. Especially because with her dating Matthew, it doesn't look like she and James will get together any time soon (but we'll see how *that* turns out!) :) Thank you so much for reviewing!!

Aw, poor Ron.

I thought that this offered quite a few funny punchlines, and I felt that it was quite in character.

This is actually so funny!

I thought the reactions of the characters were totally perfect given the situation. I especially loved it how George was the one who found it completely hilarious, because I actually think he would find it funny. Given what we know from all of the characters from the books, I think that they all reacted perfectly. Percy being horrified, Charlie being protective, and Ron being, well, Ron.

I find that this story perfectly exemplifies Ginny's fiery side that we do see in canon. I'm impressed that you can make such a hilarious story without completely remaking the characters and slapping an AU warning on it (I hate that!). I think that this story shows exemplary writing skills.

Great job!
~Maple

Author's Response:
Thanks for the review.

I always try to keep to canon characterisations. Not everyone thinks that they are in this story. Ron, I’m sure, will be well used to his best friend and his sister flirting. Ginny won’t have given him any choice. That doesn’t mean that he likes it. I agree with your assessment of the others. I toyed with the idea making Bill even more protective, but instead I decided to let Fleur intervene.

I think that Ginny’s fiery side is something which draws Harry to her. Thank you.

-N-

Hello! I definitely think that this fic has promise, and as a Fred/Hermione shipper, I can hope that though it’s been a year, you may someday come back to this. Actually, I was just talking to someone about how I had yet to find a Fred/Hermione fic on MNFF!

I like how this sounds like a memoir. I think that Hermione telling it in such a way could lead to some very interesting situations later on in the description. I did find it odd that Hermione referred to herself as part of the “Golden Trio”, but it definitely not anything major.

I think your prologue acts well as a prologue, because it definitely draws the reader in, and makes them want to read more.

Maple

I really need to stop reading your fics when I'm really not in a good state to review, but here I gooo :P

So far, I find the plot very believable. By putting them in a situation where they have to try and work together, I feel as if you are effectively creating a whole tonne of tension. The sexual tention is also well played and extremely believable, as one, Draco is one sexy boy, and two I could totally see Draco as a boob guy. Also, I felt very proud of myself for noticing that Lily was pregnant before Draco did.

What I really liked about this was how much it made me laugh. Like the premise is completely dispicable (infidelity), and yet I am fiding this highly enjoyable and hilarious.

Author's Response:

To me, Draco's most redeeming quality is his snark and the amount of joy it brings me to write it. While I doubt you'll ever read Brazen, that's where I first discovered my love of Draco being a cad, and I've loved the idea ever since. I've tried to graft some of that onto this story with some decent success.

I do freely admit that this story is quite unenjoyable for me to write, but only because I find Dramione about as plausible as Snamione, which is to say not at all, lol.But, it can be fun to step outside my box here and there and write some fluffy stuff. 

Anywho, end ramble. I'm glad you enjoy it, and hopefully you enjoy the thrilling (cough) conclusion once I can be bothered to write one. Cheers!

~Jess

Hello Jess!

What an interesting piece! It was very unique, and I really enjoyed reading it.

I loved the opening paragraph of this story. In those few lines, so much information as to many aspects of the story are given, which is really neat. From it, I gleaned information about the setting (Susan’s room is, for the most part, orderly), the characters of Susan and Prudence, and a bit of what this story is going to be about from the artful description of the swirls.

It was really effective that you followed the opening paragraph with the painting and why Susan is painting. It really helped connect the idea of the swirling ceiling with what’s going on in Susan’s head. That being said, I found this paragraph to be slightly confusing on the first read with all the aunts and uncles and cousins. I found myself wondering how Susan’s cousin would have started Hogwarts at the same time as her as Aunt Amelia didn’t die until later in the series and doesn’t appear to be married. It wasn’t until the names of the other families were mentioned that I really understood what was going on.

One of the most interesting things about this piece is how well it connects to the real world. The idea of Susan picking up art as a means to forget the pain she has experienced with the loss of so many people in the family.

One of the greatest things about this story is Susan’s characterisation. Firstly, you have managed to completely characterise a character we really don’t see that much of in a very realistic way. As I was reading, there was no point where I doubted that this was Susan. This is especially important in a piece about a minor character, as if the character is dull or unbelievable, no one will hang on for the completion of the story. Another great thing about your Susan is how relatable she is. When she didn’t want to complete her flowers, I felt a deep connection to my own art (well, music) in that I don’t ever want to work on exercises or technique. With this, you managed to draw me further into the story, not just in the plot and characterisation, but to the level of personal connection.

Giving each of the dead family members a character was really amazing. It was great how you were able to simply describe Susan’s picture and give a full representation of the character. Even before Prudence brings the portrait to the animator, you have given them life with a few short sentences.

The dialogue in this fic felt very natural to me. There was no point where I found it to feel forced, shallow, or empty. What I loved most about it was the real mother-daughter feel that was portrayed. I could really feel the mother-daughter connection, and I really connected with it at a highly personal level.

Lastly, I really loved the idea of the animator. It was definitely a really cool way to explain the moving portraits in the Wizarding World. I thought it was really clever how the portrait wasn’t clear enough for them to talk, and I could totally see this being how it worked in the Wizarding World. I may have to steal this sometime.

Overall, I think that this fic really shone in terms of creativity. It is definitely something I have never seen before, and I am very glad I stumbled upon it.

Maple

Jess and Olivia,
This story was a lot of fun to read and really showed some exemplary features. The creativity behind this fic and the ability for the reader to connect with the characters made it something that I actively read through, rather than just skimming and forgetting about it.
While this wasn't a fic that relied heavily on characterisation to make it work, you made both Al and Lily fleshed out characters that were unique and interesting. I think the selling point for me was that you took two characters whom my head canon states as Gryffindors, put them in houses I never even considered for them, and I bought it. One of my biggest pet peeves in fanfiction is authors putting students into houses and then the character displays none of the house qualities. Here, it wasn't so. They displayed house qualities straight from the get go, so I went with it.
The real magic behind this fic comes from the interaction between Lily and Albus. Anyone who has a sibling can relate to the relationship we see between the two siblings. As the oldest sibling, I found it easy to relate to both siblings, not just Lily, especially due to the fact that my brother is much bigger than me. This is what made this story so fun for me. As an older sibling I could relate to Albus's philosophy that "it’s basically my duty to make her as miserable as she makes me.” While I certainly love my siblings, there are times where I just need to jerk their strings, just because they are my younger siblings, and they annoy me all the time in some shape or form. That being said, I know what it's like to be where Lily is, and just feeling done with my brother's antics and needing some way to get him back. You really managed to touch on the almost mean side of a bigger brother, which is something I could understand. Because I could relate to both siblings, I enjoyed reading both points of views, and cheered for both of them, but also flinched for both of them.

Another aspect of the story I found particularly relatable is the mention of the book. You gave Albus this keepsake that was so important to him, which is something that I know I understand, and then you rip it away from him and have us think that Lily destroyed it. While we know that Albus was a jerk earlier on, it still seems so extreme that Lily would destroy something that was so important to him, so for that moment, I felt angry and sad, similar to what Albus was feeling. In that moment, I imagined what it would be like for my sibling to do that to me, and I felt that it was extreme and mean, even if Albus did humiliate her. Luckily, Lily didn't really destroy it, which was good, so then it was funny again. Speaking of the book, I thought it was interesting that you chose Flying with the Cannons as your book. I'm rereading the series, and Ron gives Harry this book for Christmas one year, so it really shows just how important this book is to Albus and Harry if they are both super protective of a book that Harry already had.

I thought that your prank was very creative and totally believable in the context of this fic. I find that one of the hardest thing to come up with and write are believable and funny pranks that haven't been done before, which is why I tend to avoid humour. Pranks usually come out boring or just bad, but this one didn't. You basically used the same prank twice, but in different contexts and different extremes. Both instances were equally powerful in creating a moment that was funny and completely unexpected.

Another very creative aspect was the Hufflepuff common room. In the books, we have seen how the Gryffindor, Slytherin, and Ravenclaw quarters work, so it was neat to see the fourth house. It was believable in the sense that it isn't so much different from the other houses, but it's still got that little feel of Hufflepuff to it, especially in the portrait who wants Lily to be nice.

As a complete work, this story had a real flow and cohesiveness to it. Though this was a cowritten story, it feels as if it was written by one person. This makes the fic feel connected as a whole, making it easy and enjoyable to read, as I didn't have to adjust to a new writing style whenever you switched authors.

As a whole, this piece really captured my attention with its cohesiveness, creativity, and relatability. I would definitely recommend this fic to someone who was looking for an easy going and fun read.

~Maple

Dear Miss Jessica,

I am currently quite displeased with you due to the fact that I just discovered this story now, and you have abandoned it with Louis jumping off a train. Very, very displeased!

In all seriousness, though, I love this, and you should finish it. I love me some crime mysteries, and this one is especially intriguing.

Maple

Author's Response:

Mapleeee!

I'm displeased with the situation Louis is in, now, as well. All he wants is to find Lucy and bring her home, and for the life of him, he can't figure out why everyone's given up. Oh, to be seventeen again and think the world is small enough to find one girl amongst billions.

I do plan on finishing this, though. Soraya would murder me if I didn't. Now that I got 100 out of the way, it leaves me free to update old fics and finish a lot of shorter ones off. THis is one I plan to revisit sooner than later. :)

Thank you for reading, and I shall try not to disappoint.

~Jess

Hey Lily!

This is a very interesting piece. The exploration into the world of an unknown character was very well done, and quite interesting to read, especially since it is a character that gains little sympathy throughout the actual novels.

Upon a second reading of this story, it came to my attention that there is very little description of the scene around Pius. Interestingly enough, it was not necessary . Typically, I like a little bit of a picture of what the place looks like before I start reading, but I found that I didn’t need it in this fic. I think that the lack of description actually further emphasised the dreamlike state that Pius is in. All that matters is what needs to be done, and not what is around him, like a dream where all you remember is what happened, but the scenery remains fuzzy.

I found that both characters were very easy to sympathise with, even though neither are ones that I felt any sympathy for in the books. I think one of the saddest parts of the interaction between the two characters is that they refer to each other by their first names. In the books, characters only referred to each other by their first names if they were friends, so watching the interaction using first names really drove home the feelings that Pius would later feel – he killed someone he had known for a long time. His brief hesitation and the clenching of his heart really emphasises that, and I thought it was a beautiful thing to add. The small details really made the situation more real and more heartbreaking for the reader.

The way that the Imperius curse plays on Pius’ need for control and his envy of Rufus was very effective. Having the commands play at his jealousy towards Rufus’ success was quite clever. Through this, you have shown just how cunning Voldemort really is. He guarantees Pius the position of minister and then has him create a world where Pius feels that his power will never be questioned, which is something that I get the impression that he has wanted since he failed Auror school, whether he knew it, or not.

I loved your interpretation of Rufus. He was definitely not a character I particularly liked in the books, but here, you made me feel sorry that he had to die, and with him only saying a few words. His last words really shine and show us who exactly he was as a person. While his attempt at help may have been in order to spare his own life, his refusal to cave to the pain really showed the reader how brave he was and how he had his heart in the right spot. Having Rufus refer to Voldemort by his name was also very effective in showing just how strong Rufus was.

Your use of repetition was very nicely done in many places, emphasising exactly why Pius was so easy to keep under the Imperius curse – he was always jealous of Rufus and he loves his dreamlike state. That being said, I thought that the use of the words “smoke and mirrors” was a little over done. While it made a really fantastic title, I thought that using it in the middle felt a bit off. I really liked it in the beginning and the end, but it felt a little overbearing in the middle.

One thing I would have liked to see more of was the end. I think there was a lot you could have expanded on. While I loved the “I am simply Pius”, I really wanted some more. I would have loved to see a bit more regret in him, and have him expand on why he didn’t think he was strong and righteous.

Overall, I thought this was a very nice piece of writing. The exploration of unknown characters and the way Voldemort controlled Pius made for a very interesting read. It was wonderful to read something so obscure without always questioning the legitimacy of it. Great job, Lily!

Maple

Hello!

What a very interesting story, I quite enjoyed it. I love how you took such a brief moment from the books mentioned by a character that invokes pity from the reader, and turned it against the character, making us pity Olive instead.

I enjoy how the two different sections of the fic contras each other. In the first section, we pity Myrtle and, even though the protagonist of the story is Olive, we despise Olive. But in the second section, the roles are flipped, and we pity Olive again. This is very effective in showing all sides of Olive, which I think makes her a deeper, more three-dimensional character.

The description of Olive was very interesting. She was pretty, but her looks are forgettable. From this, the reader can gather that Olive is attractive because of her confidence and assertive personality. This creates a strong character that immediately gains likeness from the readers. Yet, as soon as names are mentioned, the like that the character has gained is lost. I think this creates a very interesting development in the characterisation of Olive that finishes at the end, when the reader pities her. We go from admiration, to dislike, to pity. Doing this is only 1000 words is definitely an amazing feat!

I also thought that your characterisation of Tom, who was really not a part of the story at all, was very clever. It was a very realistic characterisation from what we are given in canon. Characterisation is definitely the strongest part of this story -- even the minor characters are excellently characterised.

There are a few canon errors in this story. Firstly, I don’t think that eyes can be fixed by magic. If they could be, why would Dumbledore, McGonagall, Arthur, Percy, and Harry all wear glasses? I think that eyes are like scars -- they can’t be fixed by magic. Secondly, the Beast, Being, and Spirit Division is not one division, but three separate ones, according to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Overall, I thought that the plot advanced in a very natural and believable way. Nothing felt jumpy or forced. Each section flowed into the next naturally. I also thought that Olive’s reaction was very believable. I think that her seeing Myrtle dead on the floor after she had bullied her into that bathroom would result in the reaction that it did. I think she would definitely feel the guilt that she did, so much so that it would cause her assertive personality and self confidence to diminish.

In conclusion, your characterisation is very strong, as is your plot development. In this short story, you have managed to pull off amazing characterisation, character development, and plot development. With just a few canon checks and changes, you could take this great story into an amazing one.

Best of luck in your writing!

Maple

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I'll check the part about the glasses. And thanks for the comment on the Beast, Being, and Spirit. I lost my copy of FBawtFT, so I definitely missed that.