I liked how the first stanza just set the scene. The first three lines flowed quite nicely, but the line “Death is searching for me” didn’t really sound right to me. Starting two lines in a row with the word “Death,” in my opinion, sounded a little awkward.

I don’t really feel like Bellatrix was really in character in the poem. In the books, Bellatrix is portrayed as completely fanatical in her devotion to Voldemort. So, I can’t see her not caring about the outcome of the battle, as she is completely obsessed with Voldemort’s cause. I would guess that people probably do quite a bit of reflection as they lay dying, but I don’t think their personalities would flip. I feel like Bellatrix would be a staunch death eater until she died.

The last line of the second stanza especially felt out of character. The idea that there can be no true victor in battle is a very gray concept. To me, Bellatrix seems like a very black and white person. She enjoys torture and murder, so I can’t see her remarking that there is no true winner in war. I view her as feeling that the people in The Order didn’t deserve to live, and that The Death Eaters died nobly. She didn’t really seem attached to anyone except Narcissa and Voldemort, so I doubt she’d be terribly upset at most deaths. If Narcissa died, I see her as being upset but thinking that Narcissa died for a noble cause. If Voldemort died, well I think she’d throw a major tantrum and trying to kill anyone she could.

The first three lines of the third stanza sounded brilliant together, but I felt that starting the fourth line with “I know” broke the flow. If it were my poem, I would take out I know and add the word “now, so, the line would read, “I now cannot be redeemed.”

The sixth and last stanza also felt out of character to me. I can’t see Bellatrix ever apologizing for anything, except to Voldemort.

I thought quite a bit about your repition of the phrase, “As I lie dying.” I felt that it accented the point that Bellatrix was dying, which is a vital point to the story. Leaving it in, certainly emphasized the fact that Bellatrix was dying, but I felt that your poem didn’t really need the extra emphasis. You did a wonderful job of setting the scene, and I don’t think you needed the extra assistance provided by the line “As I lie dying.” On the whole, I felt that the stanzas flowed very well together, and that having a phrase repeated between them broke the flow of the poem.

Overall, I thought that your poem was excellent. I really liked how you had each line as a sentence. I thought that it gave the verse a slightly atypical flow, which I really enjoyed. My only big critique about the poem is the characterization; to me it isn’t Bellatrix. I felt that the characterization was more like how I imagine Snape, upon finding out about Lily’s death.

-Meg

Author's Response: Thanks for the very detailed review.

I’m not exactly sure what to think of this story. I was quite impressed at your depiction of Snape. Snape is a near impossible character to write well, and I give you a great deal of credit for managing to do it in first person.

I very much liked how most of the story was Snape’s thoughts, occasionally punctuated by what was happening in the story. Thoughts are often written as ramblings, so I thought it was wise of you to keep the story under 5,000 words. In fact, I think that there were a handful of paragraphs that could have been cut out. For example, the paragraph about the badges the Azkaban guards wear, it’s nice to know but not strictly necessary. In a story like this, I think you want every sentence to contribute to the characterization or the plot, and many of the sentence which were unnecessary actually (in my opinion) broke the flow of the story.

I also wasn’t a big fan of when you had Snape directly say something about himself. For example:

“While I have on occasion enjoyed putting on a show for mindless idiots, such as during Lockhart's amusing duelling club, I much prefer solitude.”

But, I did really like the amount of self-doubt he seemed to have as to whether he deserved to be put in Azkaban. I thought that having Snape asking himself whether he was evil was an excellent decision. Even though Snape is a textbook ‘shades of gray’ character, I can see him obsessing over the question of whether his behaviors were justified by his motives, and therefore ‘good’, or whether they were evil. Even though I’m sure if asked, (assuming he answered) he would use the ‘shades of gray’ argument, I really doubt that subconsciously Snape has let go of the idea of good and evil.

On a final note, I did greatly like your characterization of Harry. Harry is (in my opinion) a character who believes everything is either good or evil. And, again I thought you did a good job with that.


-Meg

Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I think you're probably right about cutting -- I've always been a wordy writer. And your example is an example of telling, rather than showing. I'll definitely keep that in mind for future stories. Overall, though, I'm very glad you liked my characterisation of Snape and of Harry! Those were my main focuses. ~Vorona

I liked how you began the piece with the beginning of the letter. It gave the beginning of the piece an aura of suspense and mystery, which dragged me into the piece. Though, I found the first paragraph a little choppy. You began by describing the room, then suddenly jumped to describing Walburga. I felt that the description of the room didn’t add much. It certainly set the scene, but the image you gave of Walburga, gave me a very clear idea of how Alphard regards his family.

I’m not certain if you intended this, but the tone of the letter felt very formal and a little forced to me. Firstly, the mix of contractions and lack there of sounded odd to me. I suppose that Chance could have a very formal manner and using contractions/ less formality in some places could be used to indicate passion, but I would assume that in a letter asking someone to run away with you, you’d use a slightly less formal voice, considering the writer would likely be very close to the recipient. The allusion Chance is trying to cast makes me think that he would chose a very informal tone because he wants to heighten the feeling of emotional intimacy with Alphard. The other think that jumped out at me was how you used damned multiple times (three I think) in the letter. I assume that it was intended to show passion, but, for me, it made the letter sound forced and insincere, (which again, I’m not sure whether it was intentional).

When you said “He looked at her with an expression, briefly, of despair, and then glanced away.” (third paragraph after the letter), I was a bit confused for a moment. Saying briefly right in front of despair didn’t sound quite right to me. I would assume that you meant that he looked at the word briefly with an expression of despair. If so, I would move the word briefly to after looked at her, so the sentence would read “He looked at her briefly with an expression of despair.” This would clarify that the look was brief, as saying that the expression was brief sounds a little awkward to me.

I really liked when Alphard said “Walburga, pleas tell me you are tired of lies.” To me, it nicely showed a brief attempt on Alphard’s part to reach out to his sister, who I’m assuming he’s (or at one point was) close to. In the next paragraph, you said, “He was used to his sister trying to get information out of him. It had been a few years since she succeeded.” To me, these two sentences sounded a bit choppy together. If this were my piece, I’d connect them with a word, for example “He was used to his sister trying to get information out of him; though, it had been a few years since she’d succeeded.”

In this sentence, “Alphard walked straight past him, without a word, to the red leather booth in the corner next to the pool table, the balls kept in a triangle ready for the next game.” I liked the description in the first part of the sentence, but to me, describing the position of the balls on the pool table was a little too much.

Later in the piece you say, “Then he smiled lightly, and said, “I’m sorry? You are not running away with me?”” I liked how you began to hint in this line that Chance wasn’t really sorry that Alphard wasn’t running away with him. I also want to point out that I don’t think you need the comma after “Then he smiled lightly”. As you can see from my writing comma use isn’t exactly my strength, but I think there are a handful of commas in this piece that aren’t needed.
In the next paragraph you describe both Alphard and Chance in the sentences, “Chance did not like being stared at in that way. Alphard normally did not meet the eyes of the person he was talking to, and Chance was not quite sure how to deal with this new, direct approach.” I liked that you said showed the reader that Alphard was normally timid, but was now being brave, but I think it would sound better if you actually showed it through Alphard’s actions and Chance’s actions and motions. I think if you showed Alphard making eye contact and Chance flinching (or something like that) at the unusual action, it would be a little more subtle.

About 6 paragraphs down Alphard says, “STOP PRENDING.” You describe it as not being a shout, so your use of caps surprised me. I generally assume that when something’s written all in uppercase, then it’s being shouted. If I were writing something that were being emphasized but not shouted, I’d use bold or something similar. Though, I really liked how you used caps when Chance said, “She lied to ME!” To me, that really accented how he was loosing his temper, and just putting the word “me” in uppercase really showed how self centered Chance is.

Later in the piece, I didn’t really like when you showed Chance’s thoughts. As the whole piece had been told from Alphard’s point of view, jumping into Chance’s head didn’t sound quite right to me. I didn’t think that you really needed to show Chance’s thoughts, as throughout the piece the reader had a pretty good idea of what Chance was thinking and feeling from the way you described his actions.

The only other critique I had in this piece was the dialogue after Chance’s thoughts, when Alphard said, “Purebloods may have many faults, and that is because we are human. The only common fault is pride, which many Muggleborns and Muggles share. We also have a prejudice towards anyone not Pureblood.” This really sounded awkward to me. It sounded so detached and formal, that I really couldn’t see anyone saying quite that, especially in the situation Alphard’s in. (Though, I like how you show Alphard as being very very formal when he’s under mental strain.)

Obviously, I enjoyed your piece on the whole. (I especially liked the part about Lucinda, which felt very well written (especially all of Alphard’s emotions about her).) I really thought that you did a brilliant job on Alphard’s characterization. To me, he personified the way I see many Purebloods as being. It really struck me as realistic how Alphard didn’t technically believe in blood superiority, but wasn’t brave enough to stand up for it either.

-Meg

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you for leaving me such a lovely long review, with so much helpful constructive criticism. This was one of the first stories I posted on MNFF which I still think is good enough to leave up, so I'm pleased you enjoyed it and Alphard's characterisation.

Your review made me look at this story again for the first time in ages and reading it I found myself agreeing with nearly everything you said, and am currently making changes accordingly. I agree with you saying that the letter sounds too formal and forced, and that the use of contractions is inconsistent but the use of the "damned"s in trying to sound passionate but coming across forced was intentional.

Re- the caps lock- well, maybe it's because I regularly overdose on Terry Pratchett novels where Death does not shout but speaks in capital letters. I think there's something authoritative and controlled about consistent capital letters, which as you point out so insightfully, Chance does not have.

I do jump around people's heads a lot, and can see why you thought it sounded disconcerting, but I feel that it is necessary to the piece in this case, though obviously not always.

I had originally planned a story about Lucinda, but I doubt I'll ever write that now GIven she is important but not actually there I'm pleased you thought that was well written, and you enjoyed Alphard's characterisation.
br> Anything I haven't mentioned- it's because I just thought "she's completely right" and have already made the changes, so thank you for that. And thanks for leaving such a helpful, lengthy review- I really appreciate it! Alex

Jess, I can't believe I've never reviewed anything you've written before. I've been meaning to review this since I read it when I was on the Maurader era QSQ committee. Your warning at the beginning made me snigger slightly. I thought having Snape as the main character was automatically a warning that there was delusion and borderline obsession in the story…

My favorite part of this was Snape's characterization. Far too often Snape is portrayed as a nice person, who just had a bad childhood and made a couple bad choices. However, I think he's just a rather nasty individual, and in this story you didn't try to imply that he was just misunderstood; you showed his obsession, delusion, and cruelty. The first section of this piece highlights his obsession with Lily, by emphasizing his observation and over-analysis of minute details, such as the way she smells. His delusion is incredibly apparent in the section in which Snape sees Lily's picture and becomes convinced that she forgives him. And, the enjoyment he gets from seeing Lily's parents terror emphasizes his cruelty.

I thought that including Dolohov worked really well; it accelerated plot and character development by forcing Snape to directly face what he was doing to Lily's parents. Without Dolohov, Snape would have killed Lily's parents without so much internal conflict because he would have just have blocked himself from thinking that they were Lily's parents. Dolohov wakes up Lily's parents, reminding Snape of his relationship with Lily and that her parents' murder will deeply hurt her.

Dolohov also forces Snape to keep up his analysis on what other people will think of his actions, and his desire for acceptance and to be chosen, in my opinion, is a driving force for his character. Throughout the story he overanalyzes almost everything he does, preferring to focus on how that will affect the way Voldemort perceives him.

I thought the first person worked beautifully for this story. It allowed you to get across his obsession and delusion far more clearly than I think you would have been able to do in third person. Being told what Snape is thinking or having it shown through his actions is completely different than actually hearing his thoughts. The section about Lily forgiving him for killing her parents, was especially potent in first person.

The first person narration also allowed you to clearly establish the connection between the adult Snape, whom we see in the books, and the younger Snape in this story. The voice of Snape in this story sounds exactly like how Snape sounds in the books. His voice is very eloquent and formal, which I thought made his delusion very apparent. The only critique that I have about his voice, is that it sounds slightly too sophisticated for a nineteen year old. However, I honestly think that the amount that the formality of voice made me pause for a second is minor in comparison to the amount that it added to his characterization and the overall tone of the piece.

In the sentence in the seventh paragraph, "I do want to be chosen; I had never been chosen for anything in my life", the changing of tenses made me pause for a second. I assumed that the statement, "I had never been chosen for anything in my life" referred to before Voldemort chose him to receive the dark mark. This is supported by the fact that the two clauses are joined by a semi-colon and that the first clause refers to receiving the dark mark. It's relatively minor, and I only caught it on my second reading of the piece.

This is probably my favorite Snape centric fic that I've read. In my opinion, first person present is one of the most difficult tense/voice to effectively write in. You nailed the tense and voice completely, and you used it to effectively show his delusion, cruelty and obsession.
-Meg

Author's Response:

Sorry sorry sorry that it's taken this long for me to respond to this. Honestly, every time I read this review, I sort of wonder how the story was worthy of such a great analysis, let alone any words I might have in response. But, as you are amazing and deserve an answer at some point, here I am.

One of the first things that readers brought up is that JKR said that nothing sinister surrounded the deaths of either James's parents or Lily's, yet they all died within a five-year span. Yeah...whatever. Not buying it. So, I loosely interpreted this and went with the 'that we know of' track. This allowed me a bigger swathe of leeway to make this story work. Honestly, if Snape still pines after Lily for THAT long, he has to be not all there in some fashion. Putting up with Dumbledore's games and pretending to still be a Death Eater for the memory of a dead woman, at least to me, says he's crazy pants, at least to a degree that allows his obsession to prevail. Hence why I chose this moment to capture.

Honestly, I think Voldemort had doubts about Severus's loyalty when he learned about the (albeit ended) relationship with Lily, so this was the Dark Lord's way of assuring that his new toy was going to do what the box says it does, so to speak. And throwing Dolohov in there to make sure that Snape saw the people he was killing as the family of his precious Lily was a way to ensure that he didn't, as you say, kill them without looking and run off. In a sick way, Snape passed the test.

First person while writing this felt all gross and crawley, I won't lie. Not only was it because it was a relatively unfamiliar thing, but it was also just a bad place to put your head, inside the mind of someone who sees things that aren't there and vice versa. I think it was integral of driving home the delusion. By seeing things in his perspective, it became a matter of the reader wondering just *how* Snape could earnestly believe the things he was thinking. Being told he's delusional and coming to that conclusion on one's own is the difference, I think, between this being a pile of rambly words and something that is effective in its intent.

I don't profess to be a Sevgirl (Merlin forfend!), but I do think I understand him as a character, as well as his motivation. The language in the story allowed me to instil it with a heavy sense of relation to his canon portrayal, both for me as a writer and for the reader, and this is important, I think. Thinking about the things he does in the books when in the light of him being delusional puts a bit of a twisted spin on him, as well as Dumbledore for taking advantage of someone in this state of grief and denial. And as for the language, I do think it was probably too sophisticated for someone nineteen years old, but I think, as you mentioned, that the benefits of it outweighed the drawbacks.

When you first left this review, I actually went back to fix the line you indicated with the tense error, but as this was submitted before the archive coding errors started, I decided to leave it. If I edit, a bunch of stuff will go haywire, and it's sort of not worth it at this point, as I doubt anyone still reads the story, lol.

I am deeply honoured that you consider this a high quality Snape fic. I just suppose that, after being mentally bombarded with ridiculous tripe like American Snapewives who teach him to love again and voluntarily procreate with him, a darker, more realistic version of his character was in order. :)

Thank you so, so much for this review, and I think the score you received for it was well-earned. I shall treasure my first Meg!review, and here's to any further review page encounters we might get!

~Jess

When I started reading, I was a little worried that I’d loose track of who was speaking (since there aren’t any dialogue tags or anything like that). I feel like the difficult parts of reading and writing dialogue heavy stories is being able to follow who’s talking to whom and developing an entire storyline almost solely through speech. However, I was able to follow this story without much problem, probably because Lily and Sirius had very different voices. Neither sounded cliché or superficial, and their conversations sounded everyday ones.

One of the things I liked best about this piece was how Lily and Sirius’s conversations felt typical. They weren't talking about something life changing and important, they were gossiping like normal teenagers! As you suggested in your author's note, I heard this story as a back and forth between Sirius and Lily, which I think contributed to the casual feeling of the piece. In normal prose, there's description and dialogue tags, which I think can get in the way of quick back and forth dialogue.

The story felt like the conversations were happening in real time. In a friendly, flirty banter a pause between a comeback just ruins the whole effect. Inserting dialogue tags does make the reader pause to read the tag before returning to the conversation. In a conversation in which both parties are thinking much before they speak, adding description can add to the feeling of the conversation. Using only dialogue gave this a very quick, witty, and flirty feel which I don't think would have come out as well if the reader had been forced to pause between remarks to read tags or descriptions.

I think one of the reasons that most people avoid dialogue only is because it's so easy to get lost in lines and lines of dialogue. I got occasionally lost, but Lily and Sirius sounded so different, that it was relatively easy to figure out where I was again. I also appreciated that the speaker alternated every line. It's quite disconcerting when the same person speaks short phrases on multiple lines in a row, and if I'd had to do any lengthy puzzling over who was talking, I don't think I'd have made it through the entire piece.

I could completely see Sirius joking about snogging Lily, but I had a lot of trouble seeing him following through on it. He is a teenager, and I don't see him as terribly sensitive, but because of how loyal he seemed to be to James in canon (granted, he was a decade and a half older, and James was dead) I just had trouble wrapping my head around Sirius and Lily having any type of romantic relationship until Sirius was absolutely certain that James wasn't interested in Lily anymore.

However, I thought the way you integrated Sirius and Lily's relationship in the story did work well, and very importantly it was very humorous. Sirius's shock that Lily was actually interested in snogging was exactly the reaction I would have imagined him having, and did wonder whether Lily was partially in the relationship for the purpose amusing herself with Sirius's discomfort. There were several lines, where Lily treated their relationship very seriously and then very casually (especially when they broke up).

Lily's characterization, in my opinion, is what made the story. A lot of the time, Lily seems to be portrayed as a slightly more socially adept Hermione. However in the books, Slughorn describes her as cheeky and witty, but I also got the impression from him that she worked quite hard in her classes. In this she was very witty and quick, but she still seemed relatively studious. I already said that my favorite part of this was the back and forth banter, but if Lily's voice hadn't sounded right, I don't think the story would have worked.

It's now far past my bedtime. So, to sum up it was really fun to read.
-Meg

Author's Response: I apologize for my late response, but sometimes getting a SPEW review like this takes a while to process! So first of all, THANK YOU!! I am so glad you enjoyed the story, and more importantly, that the format didn't completely turn you off. Your analysis of why it works is lovely, but I must confess that I didn't really think of most of those things while I was writing it. I just wrote it as I heard it. But I have written things where I did notice that dialogue tags and narrative just got in the way, and I think that it definitely would have got in the way here. It would have been too...thoughtful, if that's the right word. I would have had to write inner monologue for one or both of them about *why* they were doing what they were doing, and to be honest, I just didn't want to get into that. I wanted it to be very quick, very aural, clever and fun. So if it worked, yay! Thank you for the comments on the characters. I'm glad Lily worked, I always try to balance her. As for Sirius - I can see your point, because I wouldn't really want to see him do that to James either. But I have to admit a secret soft spot for this pairing (and James/Sirius as well, really) and in this story James was with another girl, and Sirius was reluctant, after all. Hee hee. I had so much fun with this. Thank you so much for the amazing review! It makes me smile every time I read it! ~Gina :)

I think this is my favorite of the stories that you've written (that I've read). It was romantic, but not nauseatingly so, dramatic, but it didn't sound like a soap opera, and your characterization of Penelope was fabulous. A lot of the time, it seems like Penelope is characterized as a female version of Percy. I typically find people in real life who act like Percy rather irritating, In this story Penelope shares a handful of traits with Percy (e.g. she gets annoyed when people don't follow rules). But, you also developed her as an individual, and as the story progressed her differences from Percy became more apparent.

When Charlie first meets her, she's very uptight and proper, She's described as holding a clipboard and she begins the meeting in a very Percy-ish manner (i.e. by commenting on Charlie's tardiness and by continually trying to redirect the conversation to a more professional topic). Yet, unlike Percy, who often seems self confident to the point of being pompous, Penelope feels almost insecure to me, and that feeling becomes more pronounced and developed through the story.

Through the first chapter, whenever the topic turns toward romantic relationship, Penelope seems to become very uncomfortable. When Charlie jokes about her relationship with Percy at the beginning of the fic, Penelope is described as 'stiffening'. When Charlie jokes about charming her, again, she's described as replying to him 'stiffly'. Much later, after she agrees to have a drink/go out with Charlie, she stares in the mirror, overanalyzing her clothing choice. I really liked how her fear of looking desperate and that Charlie is just using her to avoid getting the reserve's budget cut is mixed with her staring in the mirror looking over her dress in a manner that suggests to me that she wants to be noticed by Charlie. However, she is continually trying to talk herself out of thinking that Charlie might be romantically interested in her.

Later, you actually explain Penelope's reticence regarding relationships when she recalls her break-up with Percy. The man she dated for three years, didn't argue or seem to have any reaction when she broke off their relationship. This provided what I thought was a really good contrast between Penelope and Percy. When Percy and she break up, he's seemingly unaffected. When Charlie and Penelope argue, she is shouting a string of words, that while not that bad, are certainly more dramatic than anything I can see Percy using.

I think one of the things I like about this piece is that Penelope's insecurity is relatable. Despite her best efforts, she wants people to like her, and she seems upset when she explains her reputation at the ministry to Charlie. I also liked the part about sitting alone in her house with her cat. I can completely relate to sitting at home with a cat while everyone you know is out doing something exciting, and while I can't relate to the wine part, if you substitute chocolate for wine she does the same thing in the evenings as I do!

Charlie felt very honest to me, and some times it felt like he was slightly too blunt. At the beginning, when he firsts meets Penelope, he felt somewhat rude to her. I'd assume that this was intentional, but it did make me pause for a second. In the books, while he wasn't terribly smooth, he did seem polite. Of course, we generally see him in canon around his mother, who would murder him if he was rude. I can certainly see him being blunt and completely ignoring manners with his friends, but I would think that when meeting the witch assigned to cut/look over the reserve's budget he would at least attempt to make a good impression.

The rate at which the story progressed was, in my opinion, really well done. I liked how at the beginning of the story, Charlie saw Penelope as being almost exactly like Percy. Then as the story progressed, and as Charlie got to know her, Penelope became much more of an individual. Even though the story was told for the most part through Penelope's narration, it feels like the reader experiences the development of the relationship and understanding of Penelope's character through Charlie's eyes. At the beginning, even when the story was entirely in Penelope's point of view, she seemed to be very proper (e.g. spending the time to question the appropriateness of the cut of her dress). Later in their relationship, Penelope loosens up and begins to feel very little like Percy. I liked how you showed many of these things through Penelope's recollections of her memories and thoughts, which could have been presented at any point in the story, but were saved until later.

Finally, I really liked the way that the ending was somewhat open. I got the impression that Penelope and Charlie were going to try a relationship, but how that relationship ended was left to the reader's imagination. (unless you feel like writing a prologue or a sequel…) I thought this kept the relationship realistic, while not ruining the romance and happy ending (because while I can pretend, I'm not entirely sure how well Penelope and Charlie's relationship would have worked out long term).

As I'm sure you can figure out from the amount of the review about characterization, the characterization of Penelope was my favorite part of this story, and I really liked how you used the pacing of the story to unfold it. I now will go curl up with my cat and eat chocolate…

-Meg

Author's Response: Thank you very much for the wonderful review. I will try to respond in kind, but it will, unfortunately, be very much shorter (and probably littered with typos)

Firstly with Penelope, there was a conscious decision to present her as a female Percy on the surface - rules, being proper etc etc because it's the way she feels she can get on with her work. And being this way has made her very successful in her work life - just not that way in her love life. There's an element of risk taking that she's never thought about - caution being her watchword. let's face it, caution with the mirror in CoS saved her life. But in this environment, up against dragons and handlers, she can't hopld on to her clipboard and stiff manner forever.

Regarding Charlie, yes he was blunt/rude at first because he's pretty sure the budget being cut is a foregone conclusion so he's on the defensive. I don't think Arthur would be at all impressed with his manners, although I think Molly might sympathise because she's fiercely protective of her family and woe betide anyone that tries to disrupt them. Charlie also lives outside the bounds of normal society so isn;t used to delicate chit-chat.

There was a time of my life, before I was married, when I lived alone with two cats. I wasn;t as unbending as Penelope (not organised enough) but I did spend a large proportion of my evenings/weekends not seeing people. I was actually pretty happy with that. I enjoyed work and liked my solitude. I didn't realise until I read your review how much that part of my life influenced this story. Very strange the tricks the subconscious plays. Oh, I fully intend writing a follow up to this, by the way, but there are some clues in a few of my other stories how this relationship works out.

Thank you again for the comprehensive review. I quite fell in love with this pairing which was inspired by Julia suggesting it on LJ, so I'm pleased it worked for you. ~Carole~

Alex, that was nowhere near as disturbing as the reviews lead me to expect. It made me think, but I didn’t feel like I was going to vomit at any point in the story (which was a very good thing for my laptop). I think what made me fine with all the abuse and non-con was that it was all in there for a reason. You didn’t randomly throw in rape just to make the story “interesting.” All of the warnings contributed to the characterization of Florence. I felt that Edgar Parkinson’s abuse of her made Florence’s decision to marry and remain married to him define her character even more. It’s one thing for her to marry someone older than herself for money, but having Florence knowingly marry someone who is going to abuse and rape her says an enormous amount about her personality.
I liked how you didn’t justify Florence’s decisions, but you gave the reader her reasoning and motivations behind them. I think one of the issues with non-con and abuse is that many fanfiction writers seem to put them in their story on a whim or they make them sound justifiable and sometimes even glamorous. I don’t think you did either of these things. Florence was obviously not happy about her choice, but I got the impression that if she had to go back and choose whether to be poor or marry Edgar Parkinson again, she’d still marry him. That in addition to her passive aggressive attitude towards her husband defined her character beautifully. Florence felt like a person that could easily exist in real life, and I’ve never read a character quite like her (and I read quite a lot).
On the whole I liked the narration of this piece. I personally feel that first person is the hardest point of view to write or read, but keeping that in mind I thought that it worked well in this piece. I find that a first person narrator often rambles, is repetitive, is whiney, or just sounds flat. Florence managed not to fall into any of those categories. The piece stayed concise and to the point, and using first person helped communicate Florence’s motivations and reasoning to the reader. The narration sounded natural, like she was actually talking or thinking. There were a handful of fragments, but I think they complemented the narration. I liked the reflective nature of her telling and how it almost felt that Florence was reminiscing about her past. Her tone felt calm and resigned, as if she didn’t exactly regret her actions but wasn’t happy with them either. She sounded removed, as if she was trying to distance herself from the story, which I feel made the abuse aspect work in my mind. I think if the piece had been passionate, it would have been very easy for her to sound forced. The lack of many emotional phrases added to the feeling that she was trying to forget what had happened, something that I think contributes to and fits in with her characterization.
There were a couple phrases that sounded a bit off to me. I liked how you led into her story with a common phrase, but I thought the final sentence of the first paragraph (“Or, at least, it was for me.”) broke the flow a little. The first two sentences hinted that Florence’s life had gone downhill after Hogwarts, and the next sentence didn’t quite feel necessary and sounded a little bit scripted. By scripted, I mean that it sounded to me like it was intended to give Florence more voice. I felt that Florence had a very strong voice, and gained it through the way she told the story. It also felt a little like that line hit the reader over the head with the information that her life went downhill after Hogwarts, and I thought that you managed to show the reader that in the rest of the piece. Apart from that, I liked how the paragraph led into the piece and the rest of the story followed in chronological order. I thought that it made it easy to follow and in combination with the first person narration highlighted Florence’s motivations and reasoning.
Twice in the piece Florence directly addressed the reader. Her voice through the rest of the piece felt, to me, like she was trying to emotionally distance herself from what happened. So, having her speak to the reader broke the passive feel, that I thought hugely contributed to her characterization. The other thing that made addressing the reader sound odd was that you used dialogue. I can completely see someone addressing their reader in a letter, but use of dialogue made this sound like a collection of memories, rather than a letter or spoken story. In the eighth paragraph Florence said, “Don’t judge me. Please, please don’t judge me. It takes someone stronger than me to get a job and I hated the idea of working.” This line jumped out at me a little. I thought that Florence’s appeal for the reader not to judge her broke the flow of the piece. It felt like it worked with her characterization but really didn’t fit with the rest of the narration in the piece. The other time she addresses the reader is in the eleventh paragraph when she says, “Oh, you could call it prostitution if you want.” I liked the idea of Florence comparing herself to a prostitute. It fit well with the honesty of the story. The only thing that made me pause for a moment was her speaking to the reader. If this were my fic, I would rephrase the line in a more passive, less direct voice.
The only other phrase that made me stop was at the end of the final paragraph. Florence says “Well, nearly anything.” I thought that the line before it (“If there’s one think I’ve learned since I was eighteen, it’s that money can by anything.) concluded the piece brilliantly. It summed up the story, and tied in neatly with the title. I feel like it needs a line after it, but beginning the final line with “well” didn’t sound quite right to me. Obviously, that’s enormously subjective, but if this were my piece I’d just tweak it just slightly.
Finally, I really liked how concise this piece was. The story was told, and you focused on enough details and examples to communicate the point, but you didn’t dwell on anything or get overly wordy. It felt like each sentence contributed something, and I think that made the characterization and plot even stronger.
To finish, I really, really liked this story. I thought that the plot and writing told about Florence wonderfully. I loved how you portrayed her entire character through her voice and her actions. I now really need to read your chaptered fic, “Thin Red Lines,” since everything I’ve read by you has had lovely characterization.
Hope I was at least sort of coherent,
-Meg

Author's Response: Hello Meg! Sorry for taking ages to reply- Non-con and abuse is never glamourous and very, very rarely justifiable to I'm pleased you don't think I've used them gratuitously. I do agree that there is sometimes a tendency to do this in fanfiction, a tendency I'm pretty sure I avoided.

I am aware that I use a lot of fragments, not just in this but in other first-person stories, but since most people use fragments in speech and they can be used effectively (not that I always do, but I try) it seems wrong not to have them within what is intended to be someone speaking. I do try and avoid them when I use the third person though.

I think you've got Florence's character perfectly- whilst she does to some extent regret her actions, she knows that she would do exactly the same thing again.

I agree that the last line of the first paragraph sounds somewhat forced. I do think it's important that Florence makes a distinction for herself, as she is quite vain, so I've removed the "or,at least" but left her distinction. I hope that sounds better.

I understand that the addresses to the reader might break the flow somewhat, but I think they are important. This isn't a letter or story––I'm not sure what it is, but it's important that Florence wants to be heard, although it's doubtful that anyone does hear her, and understood, rather than pitied.

The last line was one of the few lines that I hesitated about in this story. I do think it's important that she accepts that money can't buy her anything, but she has sacrificed things like happiness for other things. However my characters do have a tendency to say things like "well," "besides," "whilst" and "after all"- those are my speech patterns slipping into their voices. But I don't think it affects the story too much and I think I'll leave it there.

Thank you so much for your lovely review- it made me really happy :) I'm afraid Florence is by far one of my most concise characters, but I hope you enjoy Thin Red Lines and find the first person voices I use their realistic and interesting. Thank you! Alex.

The first thing I noticed about this is that the formatting/punctuation on this site needs to be taken care of. There are boxes with question marks everywhere, which did irritate me slightly, because it detracted from your story. However, without the question mark things, I think your story would have been even more depressing…

Despite the formatting stuff (which you have no control over), you still managed to control the tone of the story. Right before he tortures and kills Scrimgeour, Pius recalls Scrimgeour always being better more talented than he was. The whole idea that now Pius is the minister, and he can kill Scrimgeour seems so ironic, and I think the way you organized the scene emphasized that. First Pius recalled the history, and then the next paragraph began with: "But now" which really emphasized the contrast between who historically had power and who currently has power.

What really struck me about the scene was that Voldemort didn't order Pius to torture Scrimgeour. He simply ordered Pius to ask where Harry was (using the imperious curs) and to kill Scrimgeour. So, the torturing was all Pius. Yet, in the moment of guilt and anti-Voldemort sentiment Pius has after Scrimgeour says the word "imperious" does seem to indicate that he's torturing Scrimgeour on because of the imperious curse.

For me, the paragraph that really blurred the line between what Pius was doing because of the curse and what he was doing on his own was: "But now I will rule whether or not he gets to live or die. The Dark Lord has helped me succeed. The cloudy blanket that I live under is his doing, and I will follow his instructions to the end of the world." I generally don't quote paragraphs in a review, but I thought this paragraph was the strongest in the entire story. I think in these three sentences, you got across the confusion that characterizes the entire story over what Pius is doing under his own free will. There is such an optimistic tone in the first two sentences; Pius seems to have finally succeeded over his rival, and it seemed to me like he was thrilled about destroying Scrimgeour out of jealousy. Then in the last sentence you changed the tone of the paragraph from controlling and dictatorial to much more helpless. Pius seemed completely devoted to Voldemort and quite unaware of what was happening.

However, I felt like the amount of context that you gave about Pius and Scrimgeour's past broke the flow a bit. Some of the information you gave in context didn't seem entirely necessary to me. For example, the information that they've known each other for twenty years felt unnecessary, and I felt like you could have gotten the impression of jealousy in the history across in fewer words. The point you make is that Scrimgeour succeeded and as a result Pius was ignored. The way you seem to be describing the imperious curse suggests, to me, that Pius isn't really thinking; rather he's sort of floating from thought to thought, not entirely conscious of what he's doing. Having him spend sentences summarizing the history, I think detracts from the hazy feeling he seems to have under the curse.

I thought expressed the tug of war that seemed to be taking place inside Pius's head during the scene with Scrimgeour quite well. Every couple paragraphs, there seems to be a single moment in which Pius questions the voice/smoke/Voldemort, but each moment is quickly repressed and he returns to the mindless devotion to Voldemort. The moments in which Pius remembers whom he used to be, most notably when Scrimgeour says the word "imperious", were, in my opinion, what got across the magnitude of power and control Voldemort had over Pius, and even made me feel sorry for him. The fact that after brief moments in which he glimpsed the horror of what he was doing he could go back to a state that was almost blissful (in that he seemed very content and even relaxed in his satisfaction over torturing Scrimgeour and the ease of it, which he notes toward the end of the scene).

In addition to the quick moments of realization, the short paragraphs captured the brevity of Pius's thoughts. Things just seemed to be happening, and he remarks on the things he's doing with frankness and almost with emotional detachment. The brevity of the paragraphs, I thought, emphasized how little Pius is actually thinking. When I was younger, my teachers told me that a paragraph should express a complete thought, which was why they didn't allow students to write one to two sentence paragraphs. However, Pius's thoughts are so abbreviated and lacking in depth or feeling, because of the imperious curse, that they only need one or two sentences to express. Between the moments of realization and the paragraph length, you evoked a tone of powerlessness, which too was ironic in that Pius has complete power over Scrimgeour and others, yet he is completely powerless because of the imperious curse.

Throughout the story, Pius used a mixture of contractions and phrases that weren't contracted (e.g. don't, do not- in case I'm not being terribly precise), which sounded slightly awkward to me. The impression you gave me was that Pius's thoughts were almost slurred together in a fog by the imperious curse, and this piece was characterized by fogs of thought broken by a brief moment of almost realization. The contractions that were spelled out to a certain extent broke the fog of his thoughts under the imperious curse, which, I think, detracted from the feeling of fog and powerlessness.

I liked how you concluded, with Pius finally out from under the imperious curse. His guilt over doing those things connected to the moments under the imperious curse when he realized what he was doing. I previously hadn't really thought about the way people who had done horrible things under the imperious curse would have felt when they came out from it.

The note that you ended on tied back to Pius feeling inferior to Scrimgeour earlier on when Scrimgeour was being tortured. However, I feel like it could have been stronger. It read: "maybe that proves that I will never be as strong as Rufus, or as righteous as Harry Potter. I am simply Pius Thicknesse." Earlier on, when Pius is recalling his history with Scrimgeour, it felt like you showed that Pius didn't see himself as strong or righteous. I took the word strong to mean unrelenting and unbreakable. So, Scrimgeour chose to stand up for his beliefs rather than give in under enormous pressure. I didn't get the impression that Pius felt inferior because didn't feel strong or righteous. I got the impression that Pius saw himself as neither "powerful enough", "smart enough", nor talented enough. I think when Pius says that he "will never be as strong as Rufus", you merely grazed the surface of the insecurities he had about himself in comparison to Scrimgeour. Obviously this is just my opinion, but I think exploring the idea that he was "not powerful enough, [and] not smart enough" to resist Voldemort's imperious curse while Scrimgeour died still resisting Voldemort, even under torture.

Pius blended in to the background so much in "The Deathly Hallows" that I hadn't really thought about how he must feel, assuming he survived the battle, when the imperious curse was lifted and he realized what he'd done or at least facilitated. This was a lovely introduction into your writing.
-Meg

Author's Response:

Hi Meg, thank you very much for your review :) This was one of the first fics I wrote (and, not surprisingly, the one that inspired me to join the boards after I got a SPEWly review from Soraya) and I haven't reread it in a while, and I adore getting more crit. I am slightly in awe of this review, to be honest, and this could be a longgg response.

Thought that you did a wonderful job with the tone of the story, and I really like how the feel of the story changed as the piece progressed. It transitioned from relaxed and peaceful to somewhat sad. All the transitions felt effortless, which I thought suggested the closeness of their friendship. By that, I mean that it felt that they interacted together naturally, rather than the somewhat awkward interactions seen in “The Prince’s Tale” when their friendship is beginning to break off.

I liked the peaceful and relaxed feeling with which you began the story. I could easily picture the gentle wind, the trees, and the grass; through that I was able to get an idea of what Snape was feeling at the beginning without much explanation on your part. Lily then broke that quiet peace with her laughter, but it still felt like Snape was completely relaxed with her. A number of the stories I’ve read which depict Lily and Snape’s relationship show a more angsty side to the relationship, so it’s a nice change to see a more relaxed, happy view of their relationship.

I think Lily’s enquiries about Snape’s potion book and Snape’s replies showed a lot about their relationship in a very concise and subtle manner.. Lily’s reaction to Snape’s rather casual put down of James and Sirius did make me pause for a second. I initially thought that Lily biting her lip and averting her eyes was in reaction to the comment about James and Sirius. And, until Lily and Snape’s friendship breaks off, I got the impression that Lily was also very scornful of James and Sirius, and I’d have thought that she would rather agree with Snape about them showing off rather than paying attention. As that really didn’t make much sense, I guessed that Lily’s reaction was more in response to Snape’s blasé attitude toward a rather dangerous potion. I get the impression that Snape’s thought Lily had reacted to James and Sirius’s names, and I suppose that type of thing is probably what fueled his jealously of James. I suspect what Lily was reacting to was his attitude toward possibly dark magic. In other words, I liked how the multiple interpretations of Lily’s reaction and the interpretation Snape seemed to choose hinted at the tensions in their relationship, which would later lead to the breaking off of that relationship.

Snape makes Lily promise to meet him again the next day, which I thought really alluded to his insecurity about their friendship. In “The Prince’s Tale”, Snape is shown to have very, very little self esteem, and I think you really suggested that when Snape presses Lily to promise to meet him again even after she’s already agreed to come. He doesn’t seem confidant enough about Lily’s friendship to trust she’ll return to him. In addition to his jealousy, I think Snape’s insecurity about Lily’s affection for him and the lack of trust he has in her, which stems from that, was one of the major factors in the breaking off of their friendship.

When Petunia called Lily, and Snape begged her to stay a little longer, I think greatly showed Snape’s dependency on Lily. He’s described as anxious about her leaving, which also suggested to me his emotional reliance on Lily’s friendship. When Lily leaves him to go home, Snape is shown dwell on their relationship, by picking up the feather and running his hand over where Lily was sitting. Even after Lily has left, Snape still is completely focused on her, and taking the feather home, suggested to me that he’s always thinking about their friendship and further alluded to Snape’s emotional dependence on Lily.

I genuinely enjoyed this story. You did a wonderful job providing a snapshot of Snape and Lily’s relationship and showing the relaxedness as well as the underlying tensions between them. I very much hope that you continue to write fanfiction here, and I look forward to reading anything you write in the future.
-Meg

Soraya, you really need to stop fishing for complements about your writing. :) Seriously, this is really good, despite what you said on AIM.

Marvolo comes across quite loudly, in my opinion, and he is in character to the point that I'd quite like to punch him. His dialogue, especially, really stands out to me, and I'm quite impressed by how much you show about him through just his tone. The way he screams more loudly at Merope as she becomes more afraid and more powerless, I think, really captures how cruel he is. The way you use caps really emphasizes this, for me, because it vividly distinguishes the climax of his anger from the build up. Your sparse use of caps, however, keeps me from getting a headache (thank you). From this story, I can definitely tell where Voldemort gets the nastiness from.

I found the first scene the most heartbreaking. What makes it so sad, I think, is that Merope comes across as a young and innocent girl, who's trying to do everything she can to avoid her father's censure. Yet, because she can't live up to his impossible expectations-- e.g. she can't levitate a laundry basket without being taught how, especially since she's not allowed to use magic outside of school-- he screams at her. I found it horrible to see that, regardless of what Merope does, her father will still abuse her. And, despite this, she still names her son after him-- so I think you definitely showed that he "inflict[s] psychological hurt on" her.

My favorite thing about this fic is the way you incorporate the different definitions of "to bruise". I like how it keeps the story focused while also providing a more general picture of Merope's life. The basic plotline fits so well with what Dumbledore tells Harry about Merope's life in HBP, but you add context and emotion to the story, which really adds another dimension, I think. It makes her decisions both to seduce Tom and to give up magic and die right after her son is born feel so much more understandable for me. It's easy for me to sympathize with her desire to be loved, in the context of her abusive childhood, and from that to understand why she gives Tom the love potion. After enduring her father and brother's abuse and having Tom abandon her, I can understand why she chooses (or at least Dumbledore presents it as a choice) to give up and die, even though it leaves her son alone.

I like how you use present tense and repetition to show that the feelings and abuse encapsulated in each moment are ongoing. The way you define "to bruise" at the beginning of each section (with exception to the last one), I think, ties the different moments together fluidly. Even though each definition of "to bruise" is different, they all define the same word, which makes it feel like each type of bruise/abuse happens in every part of her life. The present tense, in my opinion, amplifies this by making it feel almost like the different scenes are happing continuously.

The repeated definition of "to bruise" makes defining 'to heal' at the end of the fic much more powerful for me. The fact that the definition of 'to heal' only shows up once makes the feeling of healing, along with the definition, feel very isolated in the piece. It suggests, to me, that the semi-optimism that she shows in that moment is short lived and that she experiences far more bruising than healing in her life. This makes me feel worse for her, and it makes much it harder for me to judge her. In addition to that, I do appreciate that you end this fic on a somewhat less depressing note.

I really enjoyed reading this fic. I like how you use the unique format of this fic to give insight into Merope's life and into her decisions. Now, since this was a fic that you didn't think was good, I'm quite curious to read a story that you've written that you actually like! :)
-Meg

Author's Response: Megggggggggggg! Thank you so much for the lovely review, and apologies for taking a while to reply -- I’ve been busy with cooking and stuff.

I’m glad you liked Marvolo. Yes, he was very loud and horrible, and it’s great to know you liked the dialogue! It’s one of the few things I pride myself on, though it wasn’t all that in this story. Oh, ha, I didn’t think about where Voldemort gets his nastiness from, but you’re certainly right :) And yay to you not getting a headache XD I definitely think caps need to be used sparingly so that they’re more effective. I hope that was the case here. Also, I think I just remembered why I wrote this story: I was chatting to my brother a while before the challenge cropped up, and he was telling me a really terrible story about a girl he knew whose father did exactly what Marvolo did with the knife, to her. And I just couldn’t get it out of my head, how horrible someone must have been, how twisted, to do something as disgusting as that. So yeah. That’s where this all began.

The thing with Merope is that, at the end of the day, Marvolo -- despite how much of a son of a biatch he is, she still views him as superior to her because that’s the way she’s been brought up. And I think the fact that she has had the whole blood purity thing drilled into her skull since a very young age means that she would still want to honour her father in spite of everything he did to her. It’s horrible and doesn’t make much sense, lol, but that’s how I see Merope’s mind working, anyway.

Everyone seems to like my definitions thing, lol. I really should use that kind of structuring more. To begin with, though, this story was a rather big mess in that it had no structure whatsoever. I tried everything, even tried a song, but it didn’t work, so I ended up going to the dictionary, hehehehehe. It’s lovely to know that you thought it worked. And I’m glad you understand Merope -- you probably understand her better than I do, haha.

I usually fail epically at present tense, but it’s annoyingly addictive, too, and I’m glad you thought it was the right choice. I think so too. If it was written in hindsight, in past tense, I don’t think it would have worked at all because of how tense it was. And I liked giving Merope a slightly more optimistic ending, even though we both know how *that* turns out.

You are fabulous and far, far too kind, Meg. I was pretty gobsmacked when this was nominated for a QSQ, given how unhappy I was with it, and I also fainted in shock, almost, when no one sporked this in SBBC. I think my Next Gen and femmeslash is generally better, and in particular (if you’re asking for recs, haha), I think my favourite fics are Broken Glass, which is Louis/Lily, and I Will Lay Down My Heart, which is Albus/Rose. But I think the only one that is reasonably well-written is my Rowena/Helga, The Caustic Ticking of the Clock.

Thank you for the wonderful, SPEW-tastic review, Meg. Much appreciated :D

~Soraya~