" Drastic times require drastic measures. "
Hello there, this is the biography of a very boring bookworm named Jane who has a secret fondness for chocolates and Lipton tea. She does not like coffee and can't think of a reason for people to be so dependent on caffeine. Her character is most like Luna Lovegood and she respects Severus Snape as a professor. Despite what others might think, she likes dark/angsty stories which have a sliver of romance in them.
[i] “Oh, I think, ah, shoot. I forgot,” Rose said. [/i]
Personally, I think the ‘ah, shoot’ is rather unnecessary. It’s a bit overly informal to write it out but then again, it’s entirely up to you. Perhaps you can try something like, ‘Hang on, I lost my train of thought.’ This expression would be better.
[i] ‘ Waving, she turned back to Al’ [/i]
Perhaps, you might want to specifically state how and why she’s waving. I get the fact that she waved her action off dismissively but any other reader would be rather puzzled by the word.
[i] ‘Rose feared that what she had feared for so long was coming into play.’[/i]
I would avoid repeating a single word twice. Try to use another synonym.
[i] ‘No. No, it can’t be! He won’t be saying it! It can’t be Al saying that! No! I’m not ready for a commitment! No! No! This is torture! I’m a LION! I need adventures first! I don’t want to be tied to Al! I don’t want it! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna! I don’t wanna!’ [/i]
Okay, maybe this is a personal thing, but I know you’re trying to express Lily’s internal struggle with her own feelings. But, I think certain expressions were repeated and overused and sentences like ‘I’m a LION!’ should be altered (though I get the fact that you are referring to her Gryffindor nature) It’s also a bit too literal. And words like ‘’ wanna ‘’ sounds a bit… childish and colloquial. Overall, this paragraph is a bit strange and a little out of character. It’s also a bit too literal.
[i] ‘What! That wasn’t what I was expecting! Rose let out a conspicuous sigh of relief. Thank goodness. So does he love me?’ [/i]
Again, the reader feels a bit confused by this sentence. Is Rose actually looking forward to his public declaration? I get the feeling that she’s not from what you wrote. But if Rose is afraid of Al speaking up about his feelings, why would she do it herself? More explanation is needed. I get the general idea on what you want to say but the phrasing can be better.
So in general, I find the flow a bit choppy. The transition during the conversation (especially for the haircut part) was a little awkward. But that’s all, just keep on writing!
~Jane
Author's Response: I was demonstrating that Rose has a horrible memory, and she feels the need to express it. I don't think that she would have said a whole sentance there, because she's just frustrated. Rose was waving to the people who were very interested in what she was doing. I think I used feared very well the way I did. Rose is being very childish there, because she's acting completely immature because she's so confused. I don't think it's out of her character, because I didn't show her character very fully. However, that particular paragraph is an example of how Rose reacts to self-induced stress and confusion. The whole story, Rose is extremely confused, and she doesn't know how she feels. The haircut part was because Rose was feeling awkward and wanted something else to think about. Thanks, though, for the reveiw, so I know things I can do better next time.
Alas, it's such a sweet yet melancholic poem. I love the poem- especially the third stanza. And like what Ariana said, it was rather clever to link it subtly to the idea of pregnancy.
Nice poem. :)
~Jane
Author's Response: Thank you very much. I enjoyed writing it despite the sad subject matter. ~Carole~
I am utterly amazed and the cheerful banter between them was really funny to read although it shocked me when Julia changed. Looking forward to the next chapter :)