In her opinion it had to be Brandon Lawrence, A Ravenclaw, or Remus Lupin, a fellow Gryffindor. [Very minor thing. This should ba alower case a] “I knew you would be Head Girl,” He said and winked. [he said] “All right Evans,” he agreed and then went back to his book. [Comma should be before Evans] Lord she was beautiful. The way the sun caught her hair and turn it to liquid fire brought a groan from deep inside him. [This should be turned not turn] He sighed and picked up the list since she wasn’t making any move to do so. “Where are the other Marauders?” Lily asked, trying to sound casual as she looked over the list. [Is she reading over his shoulder?] Instead of saying something rude Snape stared at Lily as if he had just seen her for the first time.{comma before Snape} Lily had never liked Sirius much, because he was too much like James, arrogant conceited and a playboy. [Semi colon I believe after James and commas between the rest] James has certainly grown up in your story and the rest of the characters seem to be acting just as we as readers expect them to be. Which is rare because most stories have James as a hopeless romantic or Peter doesn't say one thing. It could use some more descriptions mainly. The characters are fine how they are. This story does make me want to read the rest of it though which is very hard because most stories don't impress me. You're a brill writer.
James heard silence from inside the compartment and breathed a sigh of relief. Well, he thought dryly, at least she wasn't crying anymore. (thoughts are usually in italics) Lily nodded not trusting herslef to speak, knowing if she did she would blurt out her love for him. (second time herself was spelt wrong but I can tell taht was a typo. I want to comment on the last part of her sentence. This is true for people who are truly in love. Some might be scared, mad, or hurt, or just want to say it.) Damn him, he was just making things worse, he should shut up and leave her alone. (This should be at least two different sentences) "She accidently foretold her own death during one of our lessons and she went a little mad. As I hear it she is still in St. Mungo's recuperating," Alice said through muffled giggles. (good way to show most fortune tellers are frauds but maybe you should have a comma after as I hear it.) better to not encourage him, better to let things go at their own pace. [capital the first b and the second. They should be two different sentences] I would look out for typos but that's just normal nitpicking stuff and I don't mean to make you feel like I'm beta reading your story. In fact, I really enjoy the way that you seem to create a sort of love tension between Lily and James. And the ending was nicely done. The tension is hard to create with some writers but it feels like you write it with ease. I'm curious if Snape was the one who...Well anyway I look forward to reading more.
I really do think that people who are willing to write stories involving dark issues are brave because not many people want to get a message out there. Like AlexisTaylor there were places where periods would have helped out but I'm sure you don't need them mentioned all over again so I won't. I noticed that you said the word stinged where it should have been stung. I do have to disagree with AlexisTaylor when it comes to Regulas saying that he was a slut for thinking of the girl in that way. For one thing, I want to make this clear, you can hate yourself and still think somebody is good looking. Sure that might not be true for everyone but for the people I know that one thing has helped them out alot. Also that comment by Regulas could have been used for either comic relief or trying to shed some light on an otherwise dark subject. I don't want you to think I'm beta reading your story so I'm just going to say to watch out for some sentences. Good touch with the authors note at the end by the way.
What is the point in living? Is it to leave your mark on the world? Is it to just get by everyday? Or is it just a sick way to torture people? If God exists why does he do this? How come some people have perfect lives and others have to cut themselves to either get attention or to focus on that pain, other than the real problems in there life? If God exists why does he let innocent people die? Why does he make innocent people suffer? Fantastic questions Mel and some I find find myself thinking about during the day once in a while. You write that part real well the whole why am I here and what's the point. Brilliantly done. I don't think they are like the trio. I mean in a way they sort of are because they're together in one place but then again the way they act seems different. “The point in living is … to have sex with as many girls as possible,” his ‘friend’ Brutens muttered. This is something that reminds me of people I go to school with and specifically one person that made my life a nightmare which is why I like how you put that in. It shows how some people don't really care about people as long as they get what they want. “You know I don’t agree with that- I think the point in life is to be remembered,” Chrissie said. You could have seperated that in two sentences but again really well done because that is exactly what life should be about to some people. I figured that out after pushing things out of my mind. Should I cut? Should I try drinking? Should I try smoking? Well I beat myself up emotionally instead but now I see there is more of a meaning to life so I'm glad you had her say that. There were parts that moved fast, especially when he cut but that could be what he's feeling. Hectic. Again great job. I think you spelt Myrtle wrong> I think that's how you spell it there.