This was absolutely wonderful! I don't know why I didn't read it sooner.

I love the way you wrote it with his voice: so much more convincing than if you'd written it through Ron as an older person looking back. It really seemed like you'd put a lot of care and attention into writing it, and I loved how you misspelled the longer words.

I thought it was interesting how you sort of merged Teddy and Ron: how when 'Teddy' was shaking, you could tell that it was really Ron who was shaking. It was like the two sides of his personality - the true Gryffindor and the one who is slightly more hesitant and afraid. Am I reading too much into this?

Anyway, it was excellent - well-written, emotive and entertaining. Well done!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I am so glad you liked it!

I am glad you liked the way I wrote it in Ron's voice at that young age. I took a lot of time to get it right, so I am so glad you liked it. I am also gald that the misspellings didn't bother you, because I was slightly afraid that they would annoy people, so I am so glad you thought they added to the story, as opposed to taking from it!

Don't worry you are not reading too much into it at all. That was what I was doing - merging Teddy and Ron, because realistically they both are Ron, if you get me. Obviously Teddy isn't real, so Ron is doing nothing more than projecting a bit of himself onto Teddy and bringing him to life that way - the two parts of Ron are there, the brave Gryffindor and the slightly hesitant and fearful person too.

Thanks so much for the review, I really appreciate it and I am so glad you enjoyed it! :-)

I have never read a Hugo/Scorpius before, and in this one fic I think you may have converted me! I really liked the concept of the story, and how it was a very convoluted situation: its complexity of story and structure added to my understanding of the characters. I think the change of narrative voice and time frame could potentially have detracted from the story, but you managed to control it so well.

I thought the unsaid feelings and supressed thoughts were really interesting, and very realistic - you can easily imagine two boys being so confused by these thoughts that keep bubbling up in their minds. Speaking of which, I admired the way you made Scorpius's thought progression from Rose to Hugo seem to natural and flowing. I suppose it would be incredibly upsetting to start fancying your girlfriend's brother, but it's funny how thoughts like that crop up seemingly out of nowhere.

I did wonder about Ron and Draco's reactions to their children going out with each other: I'm sure neither of them would have been thrilled. Perhaps that could have been something else that would add to Scorpius's worries about his feelings for Hugo. That said, I liked how you emphasised that he does still have 'Malfoy qualities'. So often Next Gen children either barely resemble their parents, or exactly resemble them, and I think you got the balance perfectly.

There was one line I did find difficult to read (and this is just me being picky): "Sean wanted to get a few dress robes fitted for himself and Scorpius was accompanying him so the former could have his opinion". I think you could word that a little differently, as it seemed a little complex.

Anyway, as I said, I think I may have to read some more Hugo/Scorpius now, as your wonderful writing has made me need more!!

Author's Response: Hello, Helena and thank you for this wonderful review! :) Hmm... frankly, I hadn't even imagined Scorpius and Hugo before the Great Hall Cotillion in February when I decided to write my first slash fic and chose Scorpius and Hugo for it (because Scorpius/Albus is pretty common, I think). And the concept for this story arose from a Carole's very inspiring piece of art (it's so adorable!) for the current Great Hall challenge. And it's awesome you enjoyed the story! And I had initially drafted this from just one PoV but then I thought two PoVs would make the fic so much more effective and decided to go for it. And somehow in my mind Scorpius is always dating Rose when he falls for Hugo. :p I don't know why. LOL. Ron and Draco's reactions would be the same whether Scorpius dated Rose or Hugo so I'm guessing by the time he started liking Hugo he had already finished worrying about all of that with Rose. :p It must be disastrous to have feelings for your girlfriend's brother, I suppose. >.< And I decided to go with a slightly douchy Scorpius this time (he's always a little douchy in most of my stories anyway. Either that, or he's a little disturbed). About the Sean thing-- I'll go correct that just now. :) Thanks for pointing it out! Heh, and I have another Scugo myself-- it's called Testimony, if you're interested. :) Thank you so much for the amazing review!

This was one of the rare pieces that makes you weep and laugh out loud within the space of two sentences: something I can only describe as masterful. And I don't use the word "weep" lightly: I have tears pouring down my cheeks as I write this review. "Mischief Managed"? Did you deliberately set out to break me?

That's not a bad thing, though. To be able to control our emotions so quickly takes a lot of talent, so well done! I was thoroughly impressed with this, and look forward to seeing what else you come up with!

Author's Response: Thanks for reading and reviewing :) Sorry about the tears and everything. Of course I didn't do it on purpose! That would be cruel... Thank you for the kind words :)

I don’t think I’ve ever read a Remus/Lily fic before, mainly because I worry that there’ll be a lot of clichés in the fic if it isn’t done well enough. However, I was intrigued by your summary and I’m really glad I read it now.

It was interesting to see this kind of dynamic: to have Lily and Remus be together whilst both knowing that Lily is with, and loves, James. It could easily have been quite out of character and unbelievable, but I think you managed to keep the characters true to their originals – not an easy feat in this situation! Remus was very intuitive, and always seemed to expect what Lily was about to do, which I though reflected canon very well. Although we never really meet Lily in the books, it felt like you had written her very faithfully: the way you mentioned how she didn’t “tiptoe around his condition” really struck me as true to her character.

The fact that you kept on bringing James into their thoughts was an astute way of doing fully developing the characters, as it highlighted the fact that they were always clouded by guilt. It’s almost as though there were three people in the relationship.

Although you wrote the feeling of guilt that Remus had towards the end well, I did feel the lack of it earlier on in the fic. I began to wonder why he didn’t explicitly think about how he had betrayed James. Would he be paranoid that James might notice anything? Perhaps he could have reflected on how his relationship with Lily might be affecting his friendship with James?

That said, I did think that the lines “James is the only reason he still has a roof over his head now […] He feels guilty as all hell for it, but damn if he doesn't adore every fibre of her, inside and out” were incredibly powerful. You apologised in your End Notes for the Dark/Angsty touch, but I thought it was very fitting with Remus’s character. He’s always had a fairly melancholic outlook on life, and if any of the Harry Potter characters could get depressed I’d certainly guess it would be him.

Translating Remus’s remaining guilt and confusion about James and Lily onto his relationship with Harry years later was wonderful to read. It makes you wonder what Remus thought the first time he saw Harry – and in this case whether he would feel a rekindling of the old guilt.

I also thought the way you integrated Snape into the narrative helped give us more insight into Remus’s later life. When you wrote, “he wonders if Severus has seen that as well, or if the man's hatred of James Potter has clouded his vision,” you really made me think about Remus and Snape’s relationship. Did Remus know that Snape loved Lily? Obviously you imply so, and I think that’s a perfectly plausible assumption. Of all the Marauders, Remus is the one who seems wisest, and could have seen what the others did not. I thought the fact that you added this displayed how much you had thought about the characters.

The style you wrote in seemed very fitting for this type of fic. Keeping it simple and as a present-tense narrative enforces the idea that Remus and Lily live very much ‘in the moment’: only dealing with James when they absolutely have to. It makes it feel like a snapshot view, and that we as the reader are eavesdropping on a very private moment. There was one thing I thought could have been put differently – you wrote that the kiss between Remus and Lily was “sweet and slow”. I seem to read about “sweet, slow” kisses a lot, and I feel that it’s become a bit of an empty expression. I get what sense you’re giving, but I think you could have described it differently to bring it to life more. What did the kiss do to Remus? Can you compare it to anything?

I really enjoyed the way you wrote this, and I could tell that you had put a lot of thought into your representation of the characters. Whilst the situation could have been a bit unbelievable, you managed to make the characters understandable and – more importantly – entirely human.

Author's Response: I'm glad that you gave my fic a chance and ultimately received it so well! Thanks very much for both your praise and (thankfully minor!) criticism. It really helps to hear what did/didn't work well. Cheers. Ah, yeah, I really know what you mean about it being an "empty expression," and there were probably a million ways I could have phrased it differently that would have made it more significant and meaningful. To put it bluntly, I suppose, there was no tongue involved! ;) But if I had to say it in a more poetic and pleasing way... hm... none of the fiery passion but still a huge amount of love. The sort of kiss you give someone when you want them to know that you feel a deep and suffocating devotion for them rather than just a burning want. After that it does progress to something that has a lot of teeth and groping and all that other fun stuff. Hopefully that makes it seem less... dumb and cliched. Erk. Once again, thank you for the lovely, thoughtful, wonderfully long review! It's great to hear your thoughts on it.

I really enjoyed the concept of this fic: it’s so hard having feelings for someone you know you shouldn’t, and you perfectly captured Lily’s terror at being found out. (Just to clarify, I never fancied a member of my family!) Lily’s feelings are easily translatable to circumstances I’m sure many readers have experienced, and whilst the fic may be short, it’s very moving. I think that’s mainly because of how internal the story is: I felt like I understood Lily well because of the amount of access to her mind you provided. It must have been difficult to write about a girl fancying her cousin and display it positively, but you did it with finesse.

I think you achieved this mainly through the way you emphasise the fact that Lily knows that what she feels is “wrong” and yet she can never ignore them. The repeated use of the word “tradition” at the beginning seemed to me to subtly enforce the idea of family values, and therefore contrasted with the content of the story. This worked so well in setting up the conflict within Lily as she comes to terms with her attraction to Louis. In addition, the way you described her attempts at hiding her feelings was so genuine and relatable. The “swooping sensation” she feels when she brushes against him, the way she “struggled to stay composed” all perfectly encapsulate the pain and awkwardness of unrequited feelings.

Whenever ‘Narrator Lily’ talks of the nature of secrets, the way she includes the reader by directly addressing them makes you feel like she’s confiding in you: very apt for this subject! It’s like you’re involved in the story, and was a good use of narrative style. I thought the language was very fitting, and I particularly loved description of the lake that “sparkled like liquid diamonds”. It created such a beautiful image and really did seem the “perfect beach” for the scenes you depicted: romantic, secluded and untouched by society.

The ending was particularly powerful because although you could have ended it happily, you went further, hinting that this is only part of the story and that worse problems are to come. This engages the reader more with the characters because the story is seemingly unfinished: we wonder what will happen to them, whether they will stay together and how their family will respond if they ever find out. I also liked how you used the ending to bring back the recurring theme of secrets. It structured the story nicely and reminded us that this secret that is kept to “prevent the world from crashing down” around Lily is more powerful and dangerous because it is now shared by two. What was simply a secret that was kept “because you are afraid of facing it” is now something that could potentially rip the families apart. To have this at the end makes it all the more effective.

I can’t believe I haven’t thought about how Remus would react when he first saw that he was situated in the same carriage as Harry when he awoke on the Hogwarts Express in Prisoner. As soon as I realised what I would be reading, I was intrigued to find out how you portrayed this.

I thought your depiction of Remus was very accurate: writing from first person allowed us an interesting view into his mind during the scene, and added new depth to his actions. When he said that “as long as I’m around, James and Lily’s son will never cease to be protected”, you emphasised his loyalty to his friends: as though he was keeping them alive through Harry. I thought it was clever to make him think that Harry was James the moment Remus saw him, as it instantly highlighted his unceasing attachment.

You said, “I yell about the Dementors, scream about Sirius. I bawl about the danger he had put everyone through”, and I felt like I wanted to see this -- to see Remus in action. What words did he use to verbalise his pain? Were your reasons for doing it this way because it was more of an internal monologue story rather than an action- or dialogue-driven one? I did like the fact that it was very focused on his thoughts, but I wondered whether seeing those thoughts played out might not make the reader warm more towards Remus. He’s quite passive in the story, and seeing him defend his best friend after years of silence could potentially be a powerful scene.

By framing the story with Remus’s memories of his past -- particularly in the dream at the beginning -- I think you underlined the fact that this is more a Marauder tale than a “Trio” tale. This suggested that Remus was still stuck in the past, which contrasted nicely with the style of writing. It appeared to me that by having Remus narrate in the present tense you showed two conflicting sides of his personality: the part stuck in the past, confined to “dreams of nostalgic glee”, and the part trying to survive in the present. This made quite a poignant effect, making him seem very isolated.

I don’t know if you’re planning on writing more from Remus’s point of view, but I’d be really interested to see how he perceived the rest of his year teaching. This snapshot was well written and, although it only depicted one scene, feels like it will stick in my mind for a while.

I feel like this story could almost be poetry. The language was so powerful and exquisite and lyrical that I felt as though I was reading a free verse poem. The sentences seemed so carefully structured that they enforced a constant rhythm throughout, but it was especially present in the second section. The combination of assonance (“invisible, inaudible, palpable ticking of seconds”) and interspersed alliteration (“tangled within my matted hair; the rattling of the Dementor’s breath”) gave more force to the rhythm, and the first example in particular read like the ticking seconds they described. Throughout the story I was in awe of your use of language, which was so apt to the character they were being spoken by.

Sirius’s ‘madness’ was depicted very engagingly, and when you wrote “I can grasp the presence of this ‘I’”, my whole mind went haywire, thinking of all these Lacanian theories about our relationship with the ‘I’, (the idea that we both fear and love that lifelike reflection we see of ourselves in the mirror), and for me it brought a huge amount of depth to both the story and to Sirius. The way he dehumanises himself at the beginning is a fascinating example of this - how, not only is he “Inmate Number 27”, but he also seems to separate himself from his body. He describes his “hollow” cheeks and “cracked” lips, but not the damage that’s done beneath: almost as though he’s too scared to tackle those deeper scars.

His on-going dialogue with James was very poignant, but it also served to support the link you surreptitiously make with Harry. When Sirius dreams about the monkey behind bars, I immediately thought of Harry’s similar dream in CoS, and it highlighted to me part of the reason those two empathise so much with each other: they both know what it is to be a prisoner.

Keeping the sections distinct from one another rather than blending them into a single monologue was very effective. It suggested, but didn’t confirm, the idea of time passing, but as there was no definite point in time, the idea of Sirius’s madness came over more strongly. We could see how his mind skitters about sporadically, or dwells on certain things - like his friendship with James - over long periods of time. Sirius’s meeting with Fudge gave the first hint of a time frame, but this wasn’t disorientating: it served to enforce Sirius’s own inability to comprehend time and the fragmented thoughts that plague him throughout the story.

This story had so many things that could be read into it that I read it a couple of times to think it all over. But it was the language that captured me, and I’m marvelling at your flawless integration of it into the many meanings of the story.

Author's Response: What an absolutely encouraging review! I have to say this gave me a much needed kick in the groin and make me want to continue writing :)

Words don’t do enough to express the beauty of this story. If I could take your words, fill my brain with them and swim in them for the rest of my life, I would be happy. Seriously, this has got to be the best story I’ve read on this website. Your command of language is exquisite and your grasp of the connection between Fred and George is perfect and poignant.

For me, Fred’s death is by far the most upsetting out of the many deaths throughout the series, and tears were welling in my eyes before I’d even started reading this. However, I loved the way that you focused on the pain and loss of Fred’s death in the first chapter and balanced it out in the second by providing us with Fred’s memory. Although it was tinged with death, it gave us a positive image of the two together after just having seen a broken George, and this created a nostalgic tone which in a way softened the blow of his death.

Injecting humour in parentheses, for example “(During our time in Hogwarts we had a seven-year action plan called the ‘Aggravate Argus Filch Arrangement’)”, helped to lighten the tone, and of course kept Fred in character. I loved the tiny details you inserted into his recollections: the way they “meant to grow into tottering old men with long waist-length beards like Dumbledore’s, which we’d loop and knot round our robes like sashes” brought Fred alive in my mind and added to the quality of the story.

Your portrayal of Fred and George was uncannily perfect. I think the line, “Fred is dead and I am George. George is gone and I am Fred. Forge George. Dead Fred” excellently highlighted the interchangeable nature of the two of them, and the moment when Lee mistakes George for Fred and George pretends to be him was both heart-breaking and completely believable. When he begins to “blink with Fred’s eyes,” you really evoked the utter desolation George feels, and I found it incredibly touching. Likewise, Fred’s slightly more uplifting portrayal never wavers from character. I particularly loved his direct narration to the audience: how he says, “or whatever, y’know”, and addresses his relationship with us. It keeps the informality of his personality, and yet doesn’t jar with the beauty of the language.

Incidentally, the language used in this was astoundingly wonderful. I would quote the entire thing back to you, but I think you’d get the point quite quickly! You had such an original way of describing things, for example the “chuffing syllable of my name sat like a fat slug on my tongue”, Umbridge’s words being made of “suds of pink lipstick”, and how the twins used to hang onto “the underhanded edge of lightness”. Some of these passages were so profoundly beautiful that I had to stop and admire them. Yet they weren’t like those heavy metaphors that take you out of a narrative as you try to work out their relevance: they merely suspended you in the air for a moment before continuing to whisk you further off into the story.

A lot of the language was very evocative: the simple sentence, “Hogwarts was all torn up” seemed to me powerful because it reflected George’s feelings. The fact that you left it there and didn’t over-analyse it made it far more effective. The use of repetition also served to emphasise George’s breakdown. When he says “and the dust and the dust and the dust”, it feels as though he’s stuck on it, that he can’t break through this minor observation. As though he doesn’t want to see what’s beyond the dust because he knows what’s coming.

My effusions of love for this story could allow me to write an essay on it. Instead, I’ll just say that I think you’re an incredible writer. Your language is intensely wonderful and this story was moving, humorous, intelligent and thought-provoking. I can’t wait to see what else you write.

Author's Response: Oh my god :D I leave this site for several days and feel disheartened about the way my story is going and so I rewrite my first chapter and then I come back to post an updated version...and I see this wonderful review! Thank you! Thank you so much :D You've no idea how much your lovely words meant to me! I'm so glad you like the characterisation of Fred and George. It's one of my biggest concerns because they're so hard to pin down as characters! In the books they're always joking and their two-ness makes them appear to be pretty much invulnerable. I keep hoping that the way I write them sounds believable without being too melodramatic. George must have felt incredibly devastated with Fred's death but the books don't show any of his reactions. Fred's death was really sad for me, too. I kept re-reading that part over and over again, just looking for more, looking for some sort of well...I dunno...some sort of consolation or closure that Rowling might have left behind for her readers. But of course there was none. You mentioned liking certain phrases which I use e.g. "and the dust and the dust etc." Unfortunately I removed that from my fic (a reader told me the repetition was a bit melodramatic and feminine). Anyway, I pretty much rewrote most of the first chapter and hopefully it sounds even better and more George-like now :D Also, thank you so so much once again for your amazing review and feedback! I hope you continue to read this story; I am currently editing my third chapter :D You've completely made my night!!!

I was so impressed by the strength of the structure in this poem - I can definitely see why it came first place in the Structure category! I loved how, even though it isn’t technically a sonnet, it conformed so closely to most of the rules. This made it jarring, but in a very good way: it seemed to echo Bellatrix’s mind, in that it’s not quite right, that there’s something about her that doesn’t make sense. I thought that was also shown in the first stanza, when you used the half-rhyme of “paw” and “all”, and it was an effective way of representing character through structure. The rhyming couplet at the end concluded the poem nicely and, combined with the words “then the lights go out”, enforced an air of finality to the poem and to the victims.

Speaking of the victims, I thought it was brilliant how there is essentially a death at the end of every stanza. Even if it is only implied, it emphasises the theme of death and hints at the sheer number of people Bellatrix has killed. At the end of the first stanza she says how she enjoys them “one and all”, referring to her pleasure in torture and murder. Then in the second she mentions crushing lives, and in the third that it’s all “for my Lord’s ear”, which I found powerful because it merely hinted at all the murders she’s committed, simply to be in favour with Voldemort. The most chilling end was, of course, the final line, which seemed to me incredibly ominous. This repeated emphasis on death impressed upon me the way death follows Bellatrix everywhere, how it permeates her life, and how it is inescapable.

This bleak idea was supported by the language you used for Bellatrix’s voice. It was formal, slightly archaic, and yet surprisingly lyrical, for example when you used words like “lament” and “anoint”. Words like these made me think about her ancient background, and how she holds such old-fashioned values about Muggles and Mudbloods. Yet, the lyrical nature of the words, partly aided by the structure and the Iambic Pentameter, evoked a sense of poignancy that I hadn’t expected when I came to read the poem. This went well with the theme of death, and implied that, despite her power over her victims, death will inevitably come for her too. She, instead, will become the mouse; death toying with her as she toyed with the lives of countless others, but finally catching her as we know it must.

--Helena