This story definitely deserved its honourable mention in the contest! I’m shocked that it hasn’t been reviewed yet! You really got inside Albus’ head and showed his emotions, especially that corrosive guilt.

I like this story because it gives an insight into the things that torment Albus throughout the rest of his life. You showed us lots of things about Albus and his life that we already know, but you build on them well and show us more than we were told by JKR. You stay focused on the story, but you don’t lack in detail.

I like the way you used repetition to emphasise that things are monotonous, dull and painful for Albus. I think it also showed that since everything that could possibly change has changed, and so everything will now stay the same. The repetition of ‘all lightness, all gentleness’ describing Ariana was beautiful. It was touching that Albus thought this, especially as he could’ve been bitter: Ariana’s passing away and Gellert’s leaving was the end of all his happiness. The use of the tricolon, in the first couple of paragraphs was also very effective at showing the repetition and monotony of Albus’ life because it shows him making lists, which are usually associated with chores.

The way you narrated the timeline was brilliant. Using descriptions of Albus’ pain showed that each day was painful, and that he never forgot, because the pain never lessened throughout the whole week. The consistency again illustrated the constant pain, and yet the different descriptions showed that even if he forgot one thing, something else was there in his conscience. My favourite was the last one: ‘reduced to a pair of brothers’. I suppose this really put Ariana’s death in perspective for me. It really hit me then that Albus and Aberforth should’ve been together, but that they weren’t and that they were never going to make up.

The grass metaphor was very well presented. I thought it was interesting that he immediately thought of Ariana, but the grass truly reminded him of Gellert, who meant far more to him. I think that this really worked because it was so true of Albus – although his family was important to him, Gellert came along and changed his whole life. The grass changing was also effective in representing Gellert: not only has he gone, but he is not what he used to be to Albus.

I thought your characterisation of Albus was fantastic. You clearly know the character very well. His guilt was so clear, especially in sentences like “He should have considered Aberforth’s feelings.” This sentence especially caught me because it was at a point when Albus was trying to reconcile everyone and everything-- others, living and dead, and himself. Another strong example was the sentence “There is nothing he can say that will ever make up for Ariana’s death, so he stays silent instead”, which showed his strong sense of honour because you made him so aware of himself and what he’s done. Albus’ inability to cry was an interesting image to demonstrate the loss of his lover and his sister. I found it more difficult to understand than his haunted sleep because tears are associated with sadness, therefore it seemed to show a lack of emotion, when in reality, he was grieving deeply for many things. He went through many stages of grief – his OCD book arranging, his nightmares – but I felt this one stood out because it emphasised that emptiness that Albus felt throughout.

In the third paragraph, I like how you also demonstrated Aberforth’s care for Ariana, which we know to be a characteristic that shaped his life. The way he knows everything his sister liked, and that he decides rather than Albus really shows a deep love. Albus knew that Aberforth will never forgive him, and he knew that it’s mainly because he neglected Ariana. When Aberforth threw a pillow at Albus, though, it seemed childish and angry, which seems, to me, a little bit less in character.

I did find a few typos and Americanisms, though. However, there is one Americanism that I think worked really well, despite being an Americanism, because it has a double meaning. When Albus is planning on returning to Hogwarts in ‘the fall’, which in British English would be ‘the autumn’ or just ‘September’, I like how the word ‘fall’ contains a double meaning of the autumn and Albus’ fall from grace and love.

My favourite line was “Maybe it’s his guilt that is weighing him down” while he carries Ariana’s coffin. I really liked how this line used a physical object to convey the extent of his guilt. It felt very realistic and in character.

I really liked this. I thought that your use of repetition was very effective. You encapsulate Albus Dumbledore’s character brilliantly, especially in the way you convey his pain. Congratulations on winning a honourable mention: this story definitely deserved it.

-BP

Carole, you have done an amazing job here at fleshing out your OCs. This is one of my favourite stories of yours because it is so well written and shows the characters as people rather than as one-sided characters.

When I saw that Genister Avery was in this, I had to read it. I loved her character in High, and, unsurprisingly, I really enjoyed the way you fleshed out her character in this also. In High, I really liked how compassionate and understanding she was, and her witty comments made me laugh. In this story, I thought that you did a really good job building on her characterization in High. All of her different faces - girl, girlfriend, classmate, friend – made it really easy for me to relate to her, which made her enjoyable to read about. When Aaron overhears her giggling about her hair, she seemed like a typical girl, and when she is being sympathetic about his financial situation, she felt very compassionate. I loved how much more complex these contrasts make her seem. The way you blend together all these different sides of her character was really, in my opinion, awe-inspiring.

Even though I didn't really remember Aaron from High, he, like Genister, was so well developed that I didn't feel like I needed to reread High to understand him. I feel sorry for him because of the situation you put him in: he’s just a boy with a passion and a family that doesn’t support it. Initially, I thought that his resentment and embarrassment towards Sophia and his stepmother seemed a little unjust. Most teenagers get a bit embarrassed around their parents in public, myself included, but not to that level; discovering his father’s verdict really clarified that for me. I actually felt really sorry for him, even though it was a bit selfish. His annoyance that the girl he likes is going out with a complete jerk is another situation that I (and I’m sure most people) can easily relate to. I think that these situations really helped me understand Aaron better and, as I’ve already said, feel sorry for him.

I think that the generally negative portrayal of the Weasley family through Hugo is one of the more interesting points of the story. You really do portray Hugo as a jerk, although as this is from Aaron’s point of view, I didn’t expect any less. When Hugo is repeatedly late to see Genister, Hugo comes across as insensitive. I definitely think that the confrontation is a key moment in the story: you collect up all of Hugo’s lack of consideration as a boyfriend and hit him (and me as the reader) with a ton of allegations in one explosion. I think that it fully expressed how inconsiderate Hugo was, and made me feel sorry for Genister and back Aaron. Aaron is scared of the Weasleys, and he has his reasons. As a Slytherin, he almost has to dislike them (which is a principle I understand and don’t like), but it was the word ‘confidence’ that got to me really. I never thought that 'confidence' was a negative word, although I suppose that it is something that Aaron lacks then the Weasleys must seem a little overbearing. It’s something I’ve never really considered, so this shows confidence, as well as the Weasleys, in a slightly different light for me. Genister’s parents dislike for them seems, to me, a far more valid reason, but as a sort of hook, I think this works quite well.

As for the other hook, photography, I admire that it was woven so deep into the story right from the beginning. I feel that Aaron thinking about that botched snap of Harry at the beginning shows how photography is very much a part of his life. Your subtlety, though, in writing it in also feels so natural that it doesn’t seem important in the story at all, when in fact, it is our first real hint into Aaron’s passion. Genister putting two and two together once she found out that Aaron wasn’t in Photography Club but knew he’d told Professor Zabini that he’d bought a new camera was a good demonstration of her shrewd mind, but also of her care when she encourages him to send something to the Prophet. You use photography as a brilliant medium to bring these two together, and you weave it in very delicately in a way that adds to the flow rather than disrupts it.

This story really does flow from scene to scene, and nothing feels like space filler. I really loved the ending because it all fitted together and flowed so well. I found it funny that the joke was actually on Aaron, but it was a happy joke. The only criticism I have is that “Hogsmeade, next weekend” sounded more like an order to me, as opposed to an invitation.

However, I thought that this was a brilliant story. Well done for writing such a well-developed piece and good luck in the challenge!

BP

Author's Response: OOOH, thank you so much for the lovely review :). I hope my response can do it justice.

Aaron - yes, he's very minor in High, just a name, tbh, but he's one of the fifth years that Scorpius shares with and gives his Astronomy notes too. There is a reference somewhere to him 'having wet dreams over a Ravenclaw girl' because even then I had this story in mind (or more specifically, I had a follow up to High in mind). Then he turned up as a photographer in Swans and after that I knew I had to write him again.

Many of the reviews I received for High mentioned Genister and how they liked her. Her father, Rob, is in another story of mine (Apparently Asleep - which I might finish one day) and the history of her uncle has always been something I wanted to explore. Her family, as you pointed out, have more of a reason to dislike Ron and Harry, but she's fairly balanced about this. In the books, Harper (Aaron's dad) is the Seeker who takes over from Draco and calls Ron a blood-traitor' so his prejudice was something I could work with.

As you pointed out, the Weasleys (and Potters) come across as rather bullying. I don't think they are, but at that time (in my timeline at least) if you've started Hogwarts in Slytherin, and there are nine cousins at the school, the majority in Gryffindor, then I can imagine that would be quite intimidating. This is all from Aaron;s POV, and he's very biased against Hugo, for obvious reasons (much as Scorpius was biased against Albus in High) but Hugo isn't all bad, I don't think. He's careless and probably takes Genister for granted, but he's not really a bully.

The Hogsmeade, next weekend, line was really him trying to be cool. He did temper it with a question just after, so I hope she doesn't think it's an order. :)

ANYWAY .... I am currently writing a sequel to High for the GH challenge. It's more focused on Scorpius and his life in the Auror department, but this particular trio are in the first chapter ... at the very least.

Thank you so much for the wonderful review. It is very much appreciated.

~Carole~

So, as usual, I cannot but love this story. I think Louis and Laura are the sweetest couple, and I like your Molly a lot – hooray for Hufflepuff Next Gens! However, what really affected me the most was my sympathy with the characters.

Like Louis, I found the Boggart really puzzling at first. I found it interesting that both he and Molly were afraid of their own family and their reputation, and it makes me wonder what the others feel about it. I wasn’t too keen on Victoire being Head Girl, as it felt a little bit too perfect, but I did like her characterisation pertaining to Teddy and felt that her girly gossipy-ness made up for it. It also raised questions in my mind about whether she gained the position by merit or my name, but a Weasley with a Triwizard Champion for a mother would almost undoubtedly be a talented witch (or wizard).

The way Louis conquered his Boggart made me feel quite sorry for him. Although I somewhat doubt that Molly or Arthur would treat their grandchildren differently, his position as eldest grandson would’ve been overlooked by everyone else because of his ‘younger-by-two-weeks cousin’. I really think that this was quite an eye-opener for me on the legacy that the Next-Gen kids would be faced with. It had never really occurred to me that it would be so expected of them to be in Gryffindor. I felt quite sad about how Molly always felt that her parents were more than disappointed and that she had to escape. I always liked to think that the Potter/Weasley clan would be more accepting (hence in my head-canon many of them are not Gryffindors). I especially hated the way he felt overshadowed by James because he’s a Potter. Louis must also feel very overshadowed just by his own siblings: Victoire as Head Girl, Dominique on the Gryffindor Quidditch team. I felt that your insertion of various Harry events was very effective in adding to this insecurity of inadequacy. However, the support that the family give to each other is really touching, because even if he doesn’t want them, he knows they’ll always be there for him when he does.

As for the other characters, of course, I hated Finch. He is a bully and I wasn’t really sure why he and his cronies were in Gryffindor. And what is the ‘Caron’ on Laura? I guess that she’s related to Stuart Ackerley, but I would love to hear more. I think she’s really sweet, and I love how she is what made him not nothing, because he is an actual person to her, and not just his name or family. And then you made Professor Goldstein very established, both as a teacher, a Ravenclaw, and a minor character of the Trio Era – I loved how you incorporated all of this into the story (and I also loved the idea of him wearing a turban…). All of the Boggarts were also quite telling of the characters, however minor.

So here’s my review. I just want to finish by saying thank you for such a great story and for opening my eyes to the plight of the Next-Gen Weasleys.

Author's Response: Hello ...Thank you so much for the review for my Louis story. This is very much part of the build up to my canon for Louis which fits into other stories, and may or may not be written as a full fledged fic one day :). I did debate with having Victoire as Head Girl, but really, I couldn't think of a reason not to have her there (especially as her Dad had been head boy) and it added to the pressure Louis felt being her brother. Not sure if you;ve read any of my other NG stories, but Louis and James are actually very close, having been brought up together and have a lot of fun together. I see James as being quite loud, and thus he overshadows Louis, not least because he's a Potter.

Regarding them all in Gryffindor, really that came about because in another story of mine (Swans) Molly was very much the outsider as all the others were Sorted into Gryffindor. These things generally run in families unless there's a strong reason (like Sirius), but again, I couldn't see why the Weasley's and Potters wouldn't be Gryffindors. Also, from a story POV, it adds very much to the pressure any of them feel to be Sorted, or to live up to their names, and increases Molly's 'difference'. (I love Molly, btw - hahahaha)

My 'caron' on Laura was basically, I'm ashamed to admit it, it was a canon name. But I do think about the character, and if I do get around to writing my Louis chaptered fic, then there's a strong chance she'll be in it. I don't see them being together for the rest of their lives, but she's given him a little confidence to be Louis Weasley, and he's given her the confidence in her abilities.

Thank you once again for the wonderful review! ~Carole~

:'( Sob sob sob.

But very glad I read this chapter like you told me to.

I think that this is the most beautiful conclusion imaginable for Graham.

I shall now console myself somehow...

Author's Response: Thank you so much for coming back to read the end! Yes, it's quite sad. I'm so glad you enjoyed it, though. I was rather surprised it turned out this way - I had actually toyed with the reverse, but I quite like how it ended. Very bittersweet but hopeful. It was tough to write but worth it - thanks again for the review! ~Gina :)

Wow Vicki, this is such a heartfelt story. I love that this story ends so satisfyingly, closing the chapter on Privet Drive and allowing everyone else to turn a new page. The plot was engaging, believable and easy to follow and the characterisation of everyone was spot on. I really felt for Dudley; you make it easy to believe that he has truly matured as a character and has reconciled himself with his own childhood. I’m very glad I found this story: it’s well written with a calm tone and it’s a real gem.

Author's Response: Oh, BP, I'm so glad you liked this story. It was so satisfying to write it. I like how you expressed it, "closing the chapter on Privet Drive". It's the last little bit of their childhoods, finally gotten rid of. Everything will be different for all of them now. I felt for Dudlley too, for both of them, really. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Vicki

What a story! The plot’s clever and the dialogue witty. The characters we know are spot on, and the characters we don’t are well written. Blaise’s character, in particular, felt so self-confident; it was pleasing to see him get his comeuppance for being a slimy git. I love the contrast between Ginny’s reflection and the conspiracy going on around her -- the story is so well paced. Finally I think that the ending delivers the core message very strongly indeed, and the varying images of Draco throughout the story really put a smile on my face. Thank you for brightening my afternoon.

Author's Response: Thanks for the review.
I’ve met a few Blaise’s over the years, constantly assessing women, boastful about the girls they’ve had, and ultimately interested only in themselves. Using Blaise as an unreliable narrator was useful. Hopefully seeing Draco from the perspective of Blaise, the DA and the other Slytherins helps to round him out.
-N-

I love this. You've really brought these two minor characters to life. Your descriptions are perfect and your dialogue wonderfully believable. I just wish there was more of it!

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I really enjoyed writing it :)

Hello again! I am a sucker for stories about minor characters, so when I saw this I just had to read it. Given that Orla is little more than a name in the book, I actually had a fairly different idea of what she looked like and what she was like. However, I really liked your Orla. The golden hair and Rapunzel similarity is a lovely idea (I always imagined her with darker hair) since her name can mean 'princess' in Irish Gaelic and is derived from 'Or' meaning 'gold'! You've also made her fierce and confident, and I think that's great! I thought that the brotherly teasing from Colin was sweet and I also really enjoyed the characterisation of Dennis' inner voice.
Although I do understand that the intent and feeling is very different between the two stories, I have to say that this story didn't feel as crafted and polished as Gasoline. There were a couple of phrases in this where I felt the word order or choice seemed a little jarring and disrupted the flow, but this is probably a just personal preference. Equally though, there were some phrases which I thought were wonderful, like "Orla Quirke was one strange girl, and he was one strange boy", "stupid, stupid tongue" and "string which she was cutting with the help of what seemed to be a very sharp knife".
You also used quite a lot of speech tags in this story (said, told, asked etc) and sometimes this can come across unwieldy, especially with more exotic ones like countered and retorted. However, I think that the way you broke the conversation up with snippets of Dennis' internal monologue really helped with this, as the speech tags didn’t feel intrusive or start to overshadow the actual conversation.
Finally, I loved the playful ending! Overall I thought that this story was light and imaginative. I'm so glad I saw it in the Most Recent list, and I look forward to reading more of your stories!

Author's Response: Oh my gods, I totally identity with you! I'm a sucker for minor characters' stories too. So you found Irish Gaelic connection? I never thought anybody would. Not really. I actually researched her name's origin before giving her a personality like "Rapunzel" in Dennis' head. Sorry for the speech tags. I just can't help it! I am really, really happy that you loved this. Thank you so much. : )