Hello Di,

I came to this story via the QSQ nominations. I rarely read AUs, but as yours came so highly recommended, I thought it had to be worth trying and I'm very glad that I did. So far, I've only read the first chapter, but once I've posted this review, I'll be racing onwards. There are so many questions that I want to find answers to!

I think that's largely why this story is successful for me: it poses a series of interesting questions, but at the same time, I can see exactly how everything relates to canon. I can even imagine that the story could rejoin canon, if Sirius turns out to be alive and Peter turns out to be the traitor. The way you've set your plot up, it seems possible, and it's that element of possibility that has really got my attention. I'm constantly trying to piece together how far this is going to return to canon later.

One of the main questions that has my attention is whether or not Peter is the traitor. Clearly he isn't under suspicion, but then it could just be that he's a very good spy. I felt like his actions could be interpreted as emotional manipulation of Remus, but equally, I could believe it if he turned out to be innocent thus far. He's a character whose motivations I've always wanted to understand, and in this scenario, with him as the only single Marauder, I can see why he might have felt left out to the point that he wanted to turn traitor.

Equally, however, in your fabulously topsy-turvy universe, I could believe in it being someone else. The dynamics between the four Marauders must have been rather different if Remus and Sirius were openly in a relationship. I've often read about secret liasons between them, but less commonly about them as a couple. Part of me wishes that the story had started slightly earlier so that I could witness that dynamic (although there is still time, I suppose) but then the way you started this story built up an instant intrigue, a sudden, strong tension, that I found highly effective at drawing me in.

Another element that drew me straight into this fic was your prose. I thought the metaphors in the opening lines - grief “swallowing every other emotion” and being a “vast, bare, greyness” - were incredibly vivid. They drew me right into Remus's pain, even before I knew what was going on. On rereading while writing this review, I kept noticing more and more lovely little details, things like the alliteration of “hesitant hugs, and pathetic platitudes”. I didn't spot that initially because it all flowed together so well and I wasn't reading slowly enough to pick apart the details, but second time through, they added even more to the story.

I also really appreciated your description of the mundane details of Remus and Sirius's life together, and how they came into play once Sirius was gone. It added some wonderfully bitter-sweet moments into the fic. For example, I laughed out loud at the thought of Sirius comparing the flowers on the wallpaper to monkeys, and then wanted to cry because I could only hear that via Remus. The crips and the shampoo, when James had taken Remus outside, were less sweet, perhaps, but they too were important in conveying the history of their relationship and they brought me close to tears for Remus's sake.

Of course, Remus was a huge strength of this fic. He's always been a favourite character of mine, and I felt especially close to him in your writing. One detail I liked was the presence of the wolf in him. Perhaps grief brought it out; perhaps it's how he normally is. Either way, it helped him to feel uniquely himself, I thought, as well as adding a very interesting new element to his relationship with Sirius. Your suggestion of the bond between wolf and dog made me believe even more strongly in the strength of their relationship, and thus made me hurt even more on Remus's behalf.

The final thing I'd like to mention is that I thought you handled the issue of Remus's repressed emotions extremely well. We always see him putting his own desires aside in canon, so that he can look after the interests of others, but we don't really get to see the flipside of that, the emotional toll it takes on him. The anger that you showed in him, that desire to smash things and yell at people, seems like the exact inner dialogue I would expect to see in him. I was so glad that James was there to help him vent; it obviously helped him, even if only slightly.

I have absolutely adored this first chapter, and I'm very excited to read on. The interesting premise, great technical writing and incredibly strong, well thought-out characterisation make this a great read. Good luck for the QSQs!

~Sophie

This was a really impressive first fic – well done :) I think you got the balance of Ginny’s emotions just right. Yes she was desperate to fight, but she was also mourning Fred and thought she had lost Harry. You also had a nice mix of action and emotion. I got a really sense of the physicality and fast pace of the battle, while also seeing Ginny’s reaction to it all.
I loved your takes on Luna and Molly. Having Luna start to sing in the middle of a duel is perfectly in character, and would have been bound to infuriate Bellatrix. It was also good to see Molly as something other than mumsy and soft. It is easy to forget that she is a highly skilled witch and order member. Her rage in this fic was powerful, as was Ginny’s awe at seeing her mother duel. I think that the moment when Harry reappeared to save Molly was particularly well written. The short sentences were effective in showing Ginny’s shock, and the simile “frozen as a statue” was a nice touch.
I only have one or two little criticisms. I’m not sure that Ginny would have found out about the horcruxes by this point in time. Her reaction on seeing Nagini killed was well written, but I’m not sure that she would have understood the significance. Also, is it not Stupefy as opposed to “Stupify”? Oh, and I think where you wrote “upmost”, you might have meant utmost. Sorry - I know I’m nitpicking a little now :P
Anyway, I really enjoyed this fic. It was gripping throughout, especially as I never feel that we see enough of Ginny in the books. Last of all, I know others have commented on your comma usage, but I didn’t find it too much. I think I may be prone to overusing commas myself though, so my opinion may not be the most valid here.

Author's Response: I love when people leave me in depth reviews... Hahah so first of all, thank you for that! And thank you for all of the compliments on this story. I really enjoy knowing that people enjoy my writing, however little of it I post on here. I apologize for my several spelling errors; it's hard to catch them all when you're scrambling to put ideas down and don't have a beta looking over everything. Well, I feel like I'm rambling, but once again, thank you so much for the review! :)

Happy Birthday, Jamie! I’ve been meaning to review you for a while, so I thought when better to do it than today?

Before I came across your stories, I had never considered the Harry/Neville pairing, but now that I have, I really like it. As much as I love Harry/Ginny, I wanted Harry to stay with Neville by the end of this story, and that demonstrates just how well you have written this. The way you brought them together was really original, and Harry’s response to Neville’s revelation was pitched perfectly.

I like the idea of a party after the Final Battle. Goodness knows that the students would need to distract themselves and alcohol would be the obvious method. It also helps explain why Harry would be willing to risk his relationship with Ginny, which is always going to be an obstacle to a relationship like this. Neville’s nerves as he tried to figure out how inebriated Harry was made me smile, especially on a re-reading (which I have done several times) when I knew the significance.

I am no expert on drunken dialogue, but I loved how you wrote it here and the contrast between Harry and Neville. The line “You’d have thought we were on a boat” was a favourite, as it made me think about how much Neville had grown in confidence during his last year at Hogwarts. I can’t see the old Neville daring to be so blunt. His line about his Gran and the Gillywater was another one that could only happen post-war. I imagine that something like Sandmoss Sap would be much appreciated by many in real life.

You built up the tension really well as Neville prepared to get out the Pensieve. I felt so sorry for him when Harry mentioned kicking puppies. How could he think that Harry would equate his coming revelation with that? Evidently his insecurity hadn’t vanished completely just yet, and it was good to see this hint of “old” Neville, just to show that he hasn’t changed completely.

I don’t really know what to say about the memory section. Harry’s reaction was pitched perfectly, and Neville’s distraction was too, and, um, yeah. That’s about the best I can do. I loved it so much that I struggle to analyse it now. This has happened to me once or twice in English lessons too, and it’s quite a pain when it comes to essay writing time. There are some things that I am just too in awe of to think about rationally.

When the memory finished, I got totally caught up in Neville’s emotions, and in longing for Harry to stop torturing him so. That kiss was such a relief, and I couldn’t quite believe that Harry was going to just walk away afterwards. His reasoning as he turned around was another relief because by this point, I was rooting for Harry and Neville with all my heart. And then Harry said “It suits you” and I could have burst out singing! You manipulate your audience very cleverly, and I defy even the most fanatical canon shipper to not love this pair.

I know that you are supposed to leave crit in a review, but I really can’t think if anything that you could improve here. I don’t even have any typos or grammar slips to point out, which is unusual for me. Well done!

~Sophie

Hi Aida
I really liked the opening of this fic. The idiosyncrasies of Lily’s family were amusing, and I really got a sense of Lily’s childish enthusiasm for life. Your characterisation of Severus was good too; it fits with what we see of him later in life, but manages to be likeable too. The way that only Sev can satiate Lily’s curiosity about the magical world shows why she was drawn to him.
The relationship between Lily and Petunia was kind of sad. Lily seemed so considerate towards Petunia, but as in their future, Petunia doesn’t want to know. The way that their mother took Petunia’s side was also quite sad. Lily is the odd one out in the family, but isn’t really part of the magical world yet either.
The wintery setting was well done. I can empathise with the feeling of wanting to get straight back into bed on a cold morning. I particularly like the phrase “the world is remade”. Snow is quite magical, especially for a ten-year-old. Lily’s concern over the owls made me smile. I suppose most witches wouldn’t think to worry about owls, but then Lily isn’t most witches.
My heart stopped for a second when you described Sev’s injuries. His father’s cruelty is quite horrific, and fits with the person he grew up to be. The contrast you have created between the two children is vivid, and Lily’s incomprehension serves to highlight how damaged Severus is. Your choice to have Sev’s father use the word “freak” was interesting because it parallels Petunia’s words. Sev and Lily may be quite different, but they are seen in the same way by some, simply because they are both magical.
I have to ask though. How big are Lily’s coat pockets?! I would struggle to fit a wrapped up scarf and gloves even child-sized ones, into any of my pockets. It’s not important, but I couldn’t help noticing it. I also found the kiss rather strange. They are still children, and until that point seemed mainly innocent. It felt like something that should be happening to them a few years later.
Anyway, apart from that, I enjoyed your story. Lily and Sev were very likeable, and well characterized. Their relationship was obviously very close, and I could understand why she felt so drawn to him. The setting was nice, and some of the details were very amusing. Your choice of p.o.v. and tense were effective and well managed. I just feel that the whole kiss thing would have happened a little later on in their lives.
Sophie

Heya Lily,

As I’m sure you know, this story is just my sort of thing: my favourite pairing from my favourite era. While I read a lot of James/Lily fics, this one managed to feel fresh to me. It showed Lily and James in ways that I don’t often seem to see, and I really enjoyed that.

I thought you got into James’s head very well. I particularly liked seeing his insecurity about Lily, because it’s only natural for him to feel like that, but it’s a side of him that often gets overlooked. Seeing how happy Lily could make him, when he said “it still feels like a dream”, showed me just how much their relationship meant to him, and reminded me that it probably meant more to him because of how long it had taken to come to fruition.

Another thing I very much liked about James’s characterisation was the way he could see right through Lily. One of my favourite lines was “Lily hides the waver in her voice”. It’s almost self-contradictory, because clearly she hasn’t hidden it if James can tell it’s there, but that just shows how well he reads her. He sees what she tries to hide from the rest of the world.

Plot-wise, I really liked how unexpected this was. Given James and Lily’s ages, you’d think that maybe Harry was unplanned, or that they would have been likely to have conceived him very easily. Here, you turned my expectation on its head by suggesting that Lily could be infertile, and you managed to convince me of your scenario very quickly. I think that opening the story in the middle of their problems really helped with that. You didn’t give me time to question it; I was just catapulted straight into the action.

However, I did feel like Dumbledore’s mission for them was a little underdeveloped. I liked that you referenced canon, with it being the third time they faced Voldemort, but I didn’t really understand what they were doing or why. Saying “He wants the two of us to go up against…against You-Know-Who” was sufficient to move your plot along, but it didn’t give any real context. Adding a little more detail might have given their arguments on the subject more weight, I think.

Then again, while I would have liked to see a little more detail behind their argument, I was impressed by the arguments themselves. So many James/Lily stories (my own included) are full of fluff and don’t show the downs in their relationship. By showing them arguing, you made them feel more real to me. I also thought that these interactions felt very natural. The characters spoke like real people – not always coherently, but with plenty of emotion. I liked the way you used ellipses (…) and dashes to show moments of hesitation and uncertainty.

For me, your choice to use the 1st person and the present tense was very effective. It made the opening feel claustrophobic and full of emotion, and that drew me right into the situation. As I said above, opening in the middle of James and Lily’s problems was very effective, and this added to the immediacy of the story. However, I did notice that sometimes, James didn’t phrase things in a very British way. Because you’re writing in the first person, I notice more when you say things like “vacation” and “a couple weeks”. (We’d say a couple of, here.) Apart from those little details, though, I thought you had James’s voice just right. I loved it when he said “Let’s go kick some Dark Lord arse”. The fic overall has a fairly dark mood, but this little bit of levity suited James very well.

Overall, I enjoyed this story very much. It surprised me, yes, but it also convinced me and drew me right in. It may not be a typical James/Lily story, but it fitted with the ideas I have of them as well as making me look at them in a slightly different way.

~Sophie

Hello, my SPEW buddy :)

This may only be a short one-shot, but I thought you worked a lot into it. While the story was, on the surface, about two people having drinks together on new year’s eve, I liked that it actually went a lot deeper than that. I felt that I gained a lot of insight into both Oliver and Susan. There was a lot of back-story, but you fitted it all in very smoothly and it never became too much to take in. The way you used the conversation to move the plot, especially towards the end, kept my attention really well.

The details that you worked into their conversation seemed very well thought out. For me, the story was more powerful because of the level of detail you provided about what happened during the war. You didn’t just vaguely mention that certain people had gone on the run; you showed how it had affected them short- and long-term, and it helped me to understand Oliver’s emotions a lot more. His guilt and regret made more sense because of it.

I think Oliver’s characterisation was a definite strength of the fic. The line, “His love for Quidditch had counteracted any need for anything physical beyond him and his broom,” fits him perfectly. There aren’t many men you could believably say that of, but with Oliver it seems right. It also fitted in very well with that final revelation about Hermione. I think it was easier for me to understand that reference because I had read What the Stories Say, but I expect I would have figured it out even if I hadn’t read it. I thought that was a very good note to end on. The sadness seemed right for the pensive mood of the story, without being too bleak.

Susan isn’t a character we know a lot about from canon, but I think you did a good job of fleshing her out. Her insight didn’t feel forced or plot-devicey to me; it seemed natural and I suppose it’s a good trait for a Hufflepuff. The one thing I would say, though, is that I’d have liked to see a bit more of what Oliver thought of her. Early on, you gave a lot of detail about Susan’s appearance and said that Oliver found her pretty, but it wasn’t followed up. They confide in each other heavily, but there is no mention of how they feel about each other.

I don’t necessarily mean that a romance would have been right at this stage; that could have detracted from the Hermione thing, and from the sadness of Susan’s feelings for Ernie. What I mean is that I’d have liked to see a hint of why Oliver trusted Susan with such sensitive, personal information. I liked that you made the conversation more and more personal as the evening wore on and the alcohol took its toll, but something more would have been good, I think.

I can’t criticise your prose. I thought you struck a good balance between description and plot, emotion and action. I particularly liked the way you wrote speech. It seemed very natural, never forced or stilted, and that was important when speech was used to reveal so much of the plot. The only thing I would say is that you could have used speech to give some hints of their drunkenness. I don’t have much personal experience with alcohol, but Oliver and Susan seemed just as sober at the end as at the start to me, despite them having had plenty of Firewhisky.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the story. The idea of Oliver and Hermione having a relationship is an unusual one, but you make it convincing even from such a small mention, and I felt like I really understood Oliver. This wasn’t exactly an enjoyable read because of the subject matter, but it was certainly a good read.

~Sophie

Author's Response: Oh my gosh, latest response ever! I recently reread this story, and I totally agree with how I need some more indication of trust between the characters - it wasn't something that I had really thought about before you mentioned it, but you are totally right! I'm really glad you liked the dialogue - I find that I have a hard time making dialogue realistic - I make them sound all like University professors, ahaha! I'm also really, really glad that you liked the story - the story is something that I am very, very proud of! Thank you for the very helpful review, Sophie, these are things I am definitely going to keep n mind as I continue to write! ~Maple

Oh wow. That actually made me well up a little. I will try my hardest to keep this coherent and squee-free, but no promises.
I liked the way your descriptions of the moon were so negative, almost bitter – only Remus would see it like that. I thought “pulsates” and “Curdles” were particularly well chosen for their negative connotations. The imagery you use is absolutely gorgeous, particularly the metaphor of Remus as a “sapling stamped upon”. Gorgeous hardly seems appropriate for such a sad comparison, but there you are…
I found the fourth stanza particularly chilling; I blanched at “tourniquet”. I felt like he was trapped, but then came the fifth stanza which brought so much relief, heightened by contrast with stanza four. The contrast between the second and last stanzas was very effective too, and the layout made the comparison more direct. I found that the repetition of “round and round” made me think of the lunar cycle, and how Remus’ emotions are inextricably linked to it.
Not only was the figurative language perfectly pitched and very emotive, I found the whole thing rather euphonic (thank my English teacher for that word). Sibilance, and onomatopoeia and alliteration and assonance… This poem has everything! I swear, some of the poems I have studied in school are less effective than this.
I hope that all makes sense, and that I made the review box happy ;)
-Sophie-

Author's Response: I don't even know how to reply to this: it is just that amazing. :) You've caught the intent of the poem so freaking well. Remus would hate the moon, which is why the fifth stanza is a moonless night. Everything made sense and warmed my heart. This was a very motivating review, and you made the little box squee!

The name suits this story perfectly. However, despite being so very sweet, (and I sense that I may end up overusing that word here…) it is not cloying or sickly. Your Susan is very different to how I would have imagined her, going by the descriptions of her aunt. We see so little of her in canon that this hardly matters though. Your opening comments on the teachers were amusing, with spot on characterisation. I felt a little sorry for Susan; even her Head of House mixes her up with Hannah.

The contrast you created between them must make it even more irritating for her to get mixed up with Hannah. Their choices in lip balm are surprisingly revealing. You’ve hit upon a very original and effective plot device (if that’s the right name for it) there. I was surprised by how silly, if sweet, Hannah seems. I wouldn’t have pegged this girl as Neville’s type. Maybe he needed someone sweet after going through such hard times though.

I guess Hannah’s taste in men must improve over the next few years if she ended up with Neville. I wanted to slap Terry Boot several times, especially for the “bon-bons” comment. He makes Anthony seem even nicer by contrast. Admittedly, the line about the brooms did seem a little sexist, but then he was only quoting Terry. When he speaks for himself he seems much nicer, and funnier.

When Susan said “I bet you thought Hufflepuffs were all sweet and innocent”, it really made me smile, because I had already been thinking that she doesn’t fit with my idea of a stereotypical ‘Puff. I like her sense of humor, and Anthony’s too. It saddened me slightly to see how little attention your characters paid to the house-elves though. They were so sweet, and then got so little attention in return. I have a soft spot for the elves, in case you haven’t guessed.

I loved Anthony’s inventive way of not cheating. I was so pleased for Susan when she got an acceptable. Their nerves and doubts felt very natural, and it made me even gladder about what came next. It was so, well, sweet of Anthony to get more lip-balm for Susan! He went to a lot of trouble, and she clearly needed the confidence boost that it gave her. They make a lovely couple, in a lovely story. Sometimes, I need a little fluff in my life, and I reckon this is a pretty great place to get it. Well done (yet again) :)

-Sophie-

Author's Response: Hmm, I'm not sure Hannah's that silly. She's 15/16 and 'in love' so she's a little mushy, I guess. (Reminds me of me at that age). The thing I always think about Hannah was that she was the one that went topieces during her OWLs, but probably grew up very fast when her mother died and during that last year at Hogwarts. My personal feeling about her and Neville is that there was a part of that helplessness that Neville liked about her, then he saw how much she'd changed - much like he had from the scared of his own shadow boy that he was for 6 years. Um, sorry, that became a bot of an essay on hannah - ha ha.

Glad you liked the lip balm idea and also the fact that there isn't a stereotypical Puff. With Susan and Amelia. We don;t know if they're blood related. Amelia could have married a 'Bones', but even if they are related, it wouldn't necessarily make Susan as bright as her aunt. (I'm not bright but have a very intelligent son, for instance). Anyway, I basically like to write her as not what people expect, so ummm.... that's why I did - lol.

Oh, good point about the house-elves. I really should have written a bit more about them. I sort of assume people don;t like them (although I'm very attached to Frinkle who has appeared in a few other stories of mine) But I should have made more of that scene (I was in a rush) because Anthony would have been more interested, I think, although Susan is used to them by now.

Thank you so much for the review. Sometimes I need to write a bit of fluff - ha ha.

~Carole~

Love, love, love! I guessed pretty early on, about the time of Daphne’s conversation with Astoria, why Theodore was so unresponsive to Daphne, but that didn’t detract from the satisfaction of the reveal. Anyway, going back to the beginning, Daphne’s opening thoughts drew me in instantly. Her distain for the men she is surrounded by and her talent for insincerity made her rather intriguing. I confess, I tend to read more stories about ‘nice’ characters, so she, as a true Slytherin, if not necessarily a ‘bad’ one, makes a nice change.

Theodore was endearing, and your use of ‘puppy dog’ seemed to me like it would have been better suited to him than his rivals. He almost reminded me of Neville at the Yule ball, trying not to step on his partner’s toes. Daphne comes across as very cold and calculating, but her closeness to Astoria stopped her from coming across as too stereotypically Slytherin I suppose.

The details about Persephone (lush name by the way) and Tiberius Bole were interesting background, and I liked seeing a little further into the family dynamic. When you first mentioned the sisters’ deadline for marriage, it seemed like their parents must be to them like the Blacks were to Sirius. However, this detail helped to humanise them. Moving on, the more I read, the more I pitied Theodore. He seems to be nowhere near a match for Daphne, certainly not the way she sees things. I will be interested to see how much he grows in her estimation later on.

I liked your use of “slobbering” – it made me think back to the “testosterone-soaked puppies” from the beginning. I was impressed that you managed to keep Daphne’s blindness about Theodore convincing. She is a character who generally understands others, but she is used to getting what she wants. Here, I guess her selfish motives were enough to make her ignore all the signs suggesting that for once she wouldn’t get what she wanted.

Even when seducing Theo, her mind seemed to be on wealth, with concern for his robes of all things at the forefront of her mind. I was surprised by how well I could empathise with her cold calculations, which is testament to your skill at writing her. The balance between creating a strong character and creating one that is likeable has to be managed carefully, especially with one like Daphne, and for me, you have it just right.

The idea of Astoria walking in on Theodore in a cupboard somehow didn’t surprise me. It seems a very Astoria thing to do, even though I know absolutely nothing about her. However, there is an Americanism here – “coat closet” – that jumped right out at me. I noticed you using British spellings elsewhere (“favourite” for example), so maybe it’s worth changing this for consistency’s sake.

My pity had moved from Theodore to Daphne by the end. The tripling of “bruised, cowed and vacant” made me shiver. Daphne may not be the best of people, but no-one should go through that. The last line was very effective too. I just wanted to hug her where Theodore left off. I think I have rambled enough now, so to finish, I will say that this is a great opening chapter. I think that this story has a huge amount of potential, and you haven’t even mentioned Michael Corner yet! I’m hooked.

~Sophie

Author's Response:

Well hello! Honestly, I wasn't expecting this story to get very many reviews, and I wasn't expecting one of this depth. Thank you for that. :)

This story is already complete and waiting to be posted, so I hope it lives up to the expectations you have about it. My beta tells me it's great, and the couple people I know who have read it say so, as well, so here's hoping.

My favourite type of characters are ones of moral ambiguity. Things that are repugnant to some may be business as usual for another, yet they could both consider themselves upstanding people. It gives me a warped sense of satisfaction to write about characters discovering uncomfortable truths about themselves, which I suppose makes me one of the aforementioned ambiguous numbers. Anyway...enough about that.

You seem to be getting the characters as I wanted them to be at this stage of the story. Yay for that. For the most part, this was supposed to be an introduction to Daphne and her situation, and you will be meeting Michael in the next chapter. I think his character is probably my favourite in this story, so I hope he will strike readers as such, as well.

I don't know if Daphne is supposed to be likeable so much as understandable. While her perspective seems to be left of centre, her thoughts and priorities are reminiscent of her status. She's a rich girl with rich girl problems -- first world problems, if you will. Clothes matter to her because they were made to matter to her whilst growing up. Her marriage deadline...also a big deal. In comparison to everything else that happened in the previous years, these are probably nonentities in society, but to her, and to Theo, to a degree, they still matter because they always did before.

As for coat closet, I'm pretty sure that my beta missed that (she's British), but I *think* it was originally 'coatroom' in my first draft. No idea why I changed it, but considering I wrote this whole story in two weeks, I'm not surprised it didn't make it into the final draft. Must poke/prod that later.

I'm glad you enjoy the story. I'll probably be posting a new chapter tomorrow and keep that pace until the story is finished. Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement and support. It means a lot, especially since I've never interacted with you before outside of perusing the reviews you've left for a few of my friends on the site (a good thing, by the way). I look forward to future dealings. :)

~Jess

I hadn’t read any of your Mark and Lavender stories until a couple of days ago, (although I do remember you mentioning Mark in other fics) but then I started reading Bare. I was intrigued by your take on Lavender, and so I read straight through the rest, right up to this point. I’m going to review the first two chapters here

Firstly, I love the setting that you created at the start of chapter one. The pathetic fallacy reflects Mark’s mood perfectly and your descriptive writing is rather gorgeous. I think that you have captured Mark’s voice really well. He sounds exactly as I would have imagined from your other stories about him. His exasperated comments on Lavender’s shoes made me giggle, but you balanced it nicely with genuine concern for her.

The Portcard is a really good idea I think. I always like the level of detail you provide about the Auror office and other magical institutes because it makes the story seems so much more real. You seem to have a knack for explaining your inventions succinctly and clearly without patronising the reader at any point.

You have handled the Scottish slang skilfully too. Mark’s explanations, the one for “braw” especially, fit in smoothly, letting you convey his accent and make it comprehensible to those who live further south, without interrupting the flow of the story.

I felt so sorry for Mark when Lavender mentioned “Mary Moon”. He seems to end up out of his depth with Lavender quite often, but this was a whole new level from her. I could learn a lot from her manipulative ways, not that I’m sure I would want to. I would feel a bit of a fool saying things like “Little Lavender is vewy sowwy, big Mr Marky”. I did feel that it seemed a little demeaning for her, saying things like that. It would certainly fit with “Won-won” though. My issue here is probably more with the character herself than with your writing, so I don’t mean to criticise. I’m just feeling a little feminist-y right now hahaha.

Your descriptions of clothes never fail to impress me, partially I think because many men would run a mile from things like that. However, you do it and you do it well. I always feel like I know your characters a little better every time you describe what they are wearing.

Carmine’s apron is a good example. She, like Molly Weasley, another apron-wearer, seems to be a motherly type, and very much in control of her family. The metaphor of “tiger about to pounce” reminded me of Molly a little too. Don was nothing like Arthur though, so the comparison ends there. Once more I felt rather sorry for Mark, being sprung into that situation.

Much as I enjoyed this, there are a couple of little thing I think you could improve. The first is a minor grammatical point: run-on sentences. I seem to remember noticing one or two in each chapter. For example in chapter two, you wrote “It wasn’t surprising, after all April was the month of showers”. It doesn’t detract from the story, but, grammar obsessed as I am, it always bothers me a little.

Also, I have never been a big fan of italicised flashbacks. Sometimes, I suppose it is the easiest way to signal a change in time. However, you signalled that change very well, with things like “I continued my contemplations”, so it seems a little redundant to add the italics.

Overall, though, I really enjoyed this, and as with all of your stories, cannot wait to see where you take this next. Do you plan on writing Exsanguination soon? All of your references to it have intrigued me.

~Sophie

Author's Response:
Thanks for the long review, Sophie. I hope I've done it justice.

Lavender has been a surprising (to me) constant in my stories ever since I wrote Grave Days. Thinking about it, she had a part in After Breakfast, too, so even as I was starting my timeline, she as already wheedling her way into it.

Mark is a bit of a fool sometimes, but he sees through a lot of Lavender’s bluff and bluster, not that he always knows what to do about it. I wanted to write him in the first-person and this story idea has been floating around forever. He’s a decent bloke, just because he thinks her shoes are ridiculous, that doesn’t mean he wants her to fall off them.

The “invention” of the Portcards is a part-written story, so you’ll eventually find out how and when they arrive, along with several other jumps in magical “technology”.

I think it’s difficult to get accents right. A few ayes instead of yeses are okay, but if I drop dialect words in, I try to provide an in-story translation. A few hint-words work a lot better than a “haud yer whisht” which needs laborious explanation.

With the Mary comment, Lavender emasculated him and don’t think she expected his reaction. I hope that it’s obvious that Mark simply allows himself to be manipulated. I also hope that it is Lavender who is annoying you. As you say, anyone who can call Ron “Won-won” is clearly not going to baulk at “vewy sowwy”.

Clothing requires research, but so do a lot of things. The release of “Ladies in Lavender” is contemporaneous and correct. I usually keep clothing neutral, because fashions change. I’ve read stories where post-Hogwarts Hermione, still in her late teens wears obviously 2012 fashions.

I have a family tree for the Greengrasses (it’s the only one I’ve written) so I know a lot more about them. I know more about Don than you’ve seen here, some of it was in Tales of the Battle, but much remains unwritten. I feel sorry for Don, too.

I know that I’m not good with run on sentences. I try but neither I, nor my betas, catch them. I tend to write and rewrite, and often I can introduce new errors. It’s something I’m very good at, sorry. I’ll try to fix them.

Italicised flashbacks are, it seems, a fanfic staple. I put them in because, when I started writing it seemed to be expected, and it’s a habit I find hard to break. Again, I’ll try.

This will be three chapters, and I’m now working on the third. Exsanguination is two chapters (including Mark and Lavender’s first (or second) encounter). However, until I finish Hunters and Prey (and Aurors and Schoolgirls) I won’t work on it. I simply can’t start yet another chaptered story until I finish one of my “in progress” tales. Lavender (before Mark) is in the Muggle Interface Team stories, and Exsanguination is also an MIT story.

-N-