Aw, Jamie, you just made me cry. Then after all of the beautiful fluffy (in a good way) romance, those last two lines were so funny! Do you know exactly what Harry did in the end, or is it entirely up to my imagination? I loved this so much that I had to let you know. I may come back and review properly later, but right now I can't bear to pick it apart. Now I need to go and read it again.

~Sophie

Hello Soraya,

I promised you this review ages ago, so I’m sorry it’s taken so long to arrive. The Marauders, their banter and slash pairings are some of my absolute favourite things so it’s no surprise that I really enjoyed this story.

From the very beginning, I was drawn in by that luscious description of the dying fire. You worked the prompt into this story really well. I noticed several mentions of fires and flames, none of which felt contrived. In particular, the metaphor of, “the embers that flared between them singed the air,” was very effective for me. Also, I found the cyclic nature of the piece, returning to a description of the fire at the end, made the piece feel complete.

The terrible Sirius/serious joke really shouldn’t be funny now, but you still managed to make me smile. I can just see the boys trying to joke their way through the pain and worry of the situation. Their banter flowed really naturally without ever seeming too facetious or flippant for the situation. I particularly liked little details in their speech like “Merlin’s y-fronts” and “Healer Padfoot”; it helped to bring them alive.

While I really loved your characterisation and humour, there were a few details in your prose that could be tweaked. You generally struck a good balance between short, compound and complex sentences, but there were a couple of places where you could really have used an extra full stop. It wasn’t that the sentences didn’t make sense; they just became harder to follow because of their length. I suppose a beta would have helped, if you had had the time.

I think my favourite bit of the entire piece was when you wrote: ‘“James, what--” Sirius began, but then he looked down and understood. Oh.’ You conveyed so much shock with that one “Oh” and simultaneously made your implication crystal clear. It was so much more effective than actually trying to describe what he saw. I also loved Sirius’ snigger when James tried to speak. It felt very teenage boy, and showed his immaturity. It made me think that, yes, this is awkward, but they’re still best friends. They can still laugh at each other whatever happens. Moving from that moment of levity into the sudden tension of the kiss worked really well for me. There’s no getting away from it; James’ hiss was hot!

I loved the build up to the kiss. I noticed that you kept mentioning body parts – “hip” and “knee” for example. It seemed to subtly hint at Sirius’ thoughts and the growing attraction between him and James, without being obviously sexual. I think that’s why I liked this so much. It was subtly and sensitively done, no smut present. Smut is all well and good, but it can take a lot more skill to make a relationship convincing to the reader without it. Needless to say, I was convinced. The awkwardness of it all fitted the characters very well; they may be best friends, but they’re still teenage boys and really not sure of themselves in this sort of situation.

During the kiss itself, I thought that the long, rambling sentence worked really well. The slight incoherency of it all mirrored Sirius’ thoughts and seemed appropriately breathless. I found myself caught up in the moment with him. I particularly like your use of parenthesis. That little question showed that, for Sirius, there was doubt and confusion mixed in with the pleasure.

However, I was a little less convinced by James and Sirius’ reactions to the kiss. Their initial awkwardness worked well, but I struggled to picture the sarcastic clapping. I always find reactions to this sort of moment hard to write, so it’s no surprise that this was the one place where you characterisation seemed slightly off. I think it might have been better if you had just gone straight to the line about going to bed. Sirius could have said that, and James could have been the one to make the joke and lighten the tension.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I just wish that you had had enough time to tidy it up a bit. It’s an enjoyable read as it stands, with a good balance between tension and lighter humour. The characterisation was convincing, and the way you developed James and Sirius’ relationship felt really natural. Nicely done!

~Sophie

Author's Response: Sophieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Thank you SO MUCH for the review! Seriously (lol), it means a lot. I loved Gina's review, but I was a little saddened by the fact that it only got one review. Then again, it was rather terrible, lol, so I kind of deserved it D:

I also love Marauder banter and slash pairings, as you know, so I’m glad you seemed to like it despite the story’s many flaws. With SPEW 007, I found it hard, at times, to stick to the prompts, but this was the only one that was easy, because... I don’t know, ha. “Embers” just sounds like something I’d write in anything, like a bit of a throwaway phrase that was therefore easier to shoehorn into a story, if that makes sense. Usually, though, writing description/prose in general is something I find hard, so it’s great to know that you thought I did a good job in that respect. With that prompt, it’s mostly in narrative, rather than dialogue, that I could convey the “embers”, really.

Hehehehe, I am rather fond of my Sirius/serious jokes :P And yes, my boys do tend to make jokes -- or, at least, James does -- when the going gets tough, so it’s nice to know you thought so too. And I like writing dialogue generally, particularly Marauder banter. (You saw that, I hope, in Butterbeer Bottles.) It’s fun and isn’t particularly serious (sorry, I really don’t intend to make the joke, but it makes me giggle anyway, lol) and is therefore a bit easier to write.

I gave this story probably one once-over before submitting -- I really had become sick of it at that point. I can remember that I kept yelling at them, virtually, on AIM to just kiss already, so I definitely know what you mean about sentence structure. I might just send it to you to fix up, in that case :) I know this isn’t particularly polished, both because it was unbetaed but also because I had written it in a rush and had just wanted to submit it more than anything, not that it should be an excuse or anything.

I think my favourite bit of the entire piece was when you wrote: ‘“James, what--” Sirius began, but then he looked down and understood. Oh.’ You conveyed so much shock with that one “Oh” and simultaneously made your implication crystal clear. It was so much more effective than actually trying to describe what he saw.I LOLed so hard when I read this. I was hoping someone would catch on to what it actually meant -- that, you know, James had had a very physical reaction to Sirius all of a sudden, but I really didn’t want to say it explicitly. Every time I see the word “bulge” in fanfiction, it just makes me want to laugh and laugh. Not in a bad way or anything, just that it’s such an obvious way to write it, and I wanted to go for something more subtle than that, without making it explicit. So yeah. I’m glad you liked that. And YAY to James being hot, lolol -- I divorced him several months ago, much to the delights of Gina and Natalie, so I’m chuffed you liked him that much :D

I tend to use a lot of body parts generally in my writing. I think, yeah, less is more most of the time. I didn’t want it to be smutty because I couldn’t see either James or Sirius going *that* far, and I also wanted to maintain that awkwardness between them.

Yayay, you caught my attempt at trying to be clever with sentences! I usually am not very good with details like that -- thank you for noticing, hehe, and for saying it worked. I use brackets quite a bit, but Alex sometimes tells me that I overuse them -- I do think they were necessary here, for the reason you said.

Yes, ha, I think the main issue I had with the story was the aftermath of their kiss. I will definitely revise that at some point; I completely agree that things were clunky and kind of unconvincing, but like you said, that kind of thing is difficult to write.

I’m really glad you liked it, despite your quibbles! I may send it to you at some point to beta, actually, because I really am not entirely happy with the story as-is. I was going to send it to Jamie for betaing, but then I threw in the towel, and then I started writing it again, but by that point, it was too late to get it betaed/I was going on my hiatus so I wouldn’t be able to write, hence why it is in need of some tidying up. Thank you for the lovely review; it means so much to me that I’m your first SPEW recipient :D and it was an excellent first review, too, so as a SPEWer -- and, more importantly, as one of the people who nagged you to join SPEW in the first place -- well done!

Soraya x

Hi Lily :)

First of all, congratulations on doing so well in the Great Hall challenge! I didn't read this at the time, but I get the impression you beat some stiff competition. Secondly, I really, really enjoyed this, independent of it's success on the boards. Introspective things like this, when done well, are something I very much enjoy reading, especially when you give so much insight into a character.

Hermione's characterisation was most definitely a strength of your writing here. You gave me some pretty major revelations about her in the scene with the Boggart. I really appreciated that it was Harry's death she feared, and not Ron's as some might expect, because I can't imagine Hermione would have been focused on romance at this stage. The war needed to be about strategy, about being, as she said, “Exactly Perfect” (another line that I loved), and she wouldn't have had time to dwell on Ron. That being said, the hints of closeness between her and Ron were really lovely. You kept it subtle, with her recognition of his touch, his sudden quietness, the gentleness between them, but it showed me the depth of their feelings for each other while being entirely appropriate for the moment, and I loved that.

The other thing that I really appreciated is how you backed her characterisation up with the scenes from 1985. We see nothing of her as a child in canon, so I thought that looking back at her six-year-old self was a great way for you to shows us why she fears what she does. The pressure of her father's hard work and her mother's high expectations, combined with her near miss with failure, sounds like a powerful motivation to work hard later in life. To me, this makes her work ethic far more believable than it ever was in canon. I loved how that was connected to her magic too; of course it would take something pretty special to distract Hermione from her academics! I did have one or two moments of wondering if your young Hermione was perhaps a little too self-aware, when she was thinking about her mother not knowing that she knew, for example, but these were only passing. Overall, I thought you got her age just right. In particular, I liked when she said “Like Dad”, because it showed so much about the family dynamic as well as sounding very young.

I loved how you handled looking back to her childhood, as well as the actual content of those parts. I've always struggled with non-linear narratives myself, so it's always good to see someone else pull off that sort of structure so well. By having the date and place beginning each section, you made it all very clear and easy for me to read, and I thought you found a good balance between short and long scenes. It didn't feel too jumpy and hard to follow, but equally there was enough movement to add interest and keep each different time period in my head. I think my favourite part, in regard to times, was ending at the end of the battle. It was the resolution of all of the fears you'd explored, so that worked really well for me as a way of bringing closure to the story.

That was my favourite part in terms of your use of the time jumps, but I think my actual favourite moment was Ron's entry. I really did squee at that point. While I very much liked how you looked at Harry until that point in the fic, as above, it wouldn't have been right to not feature Ron in some way, and I loved that he was what brought hope to the story. He seemed, to me, to represent hope for the future and safety in the present, and it was a moment that really lifted my mood, despite the general sadness of the story.

As well as the sadness, I couldn't help but notice the tension you created throughout. In the very opening, I thought your short sentences were really effective at that. The first and third paragraphs in particular felt really punchy and sharp – just right for someone full of fear in the middle of a war. Even when you wrote a longer sentence, I liked that you broke it down into loads of shorter phrases. I'm not always keen on comma filled sentences, but here I thought it created a very Hermione-ish sense of nervousness – breathiness, perhaps.

I don't suppose it was easy subject matter to handle, but I think you crammed a lot of insight into this fic and it really carried me along very effortlessly – a pleasure to read!

~Sophie

Hey Carole,

It really is a shame that poetry gets so little love around here, especially given the presence of gems like this. I loved how you took a little-written character and got straight into his head very convincingly. It could only help that the poem was so well written.

I think what made this work so very well is the contrast between your two repeated lines. Rebellion and a sworn oath: the opposing ideas reflect Firenze’s torn loyalty and conflicted mind, and make phrases like “my loyalty torn” seem more justified. I also found that the villanelle structure, with all of its repetition, added more emphasis to the idea of internal conflict and helped me to get into Firenze’s head.

I did find myself really starting to think about Firenze’s perspective after reading this poem. He’s not a character I’ve given much thought to in the past, so that was really interesting. That reflects well on your characterisation of him in this poem, I think. The way you wrote “Rebellious dreams and hopes are born” makes it seem like he didn’t intend to rebel; it’s not his fault; that’s just how it happened. That interested me, and I imagine that’s how he would have seen it. It’s not the sort of thing you would want to happen, really, but it might feel inevitable.

I liked the way you structured the story here. You started with the dilemma, but by the end you can see Firenze make up his mind. The way you built up Firenze’s thought process through the poem was very effective. The strong opening, seeming to definitely suggest his loyalties lie in the forest, gradually gave way to more uncertainty, then resentment of his herd and finally certainty once more. That development was interesting to track and held my attention.

Also, the resolution of the problem made the ending very satisfying to read. Twisting the repeated lines slightly was a great idea, I thought, because it kept the continuity of the poem while showing that things were never going to be the same for Firenze again. His decision was irreversible but it doesn’t seem like he will seriously regret it.

The language you used was so gorgeous. I don’t just mean that you have a good vocabulary, although that’s certainly the case. I mean subtle things like all of the centaur-related language – “glimmering stars” make me think of divination, and “nags” made me giggle a little when I thought about it. That added to my sense of Firenze’s voice, made him feel more real to me. I also really rather liked your use of “forfeit life”. He has given up his herd, sacrificed it, almost, and using a noun as an adjective seemed to add more weight to that point. I thought it was very effective.

This was a gorgeous poem, and it gave me a lot more insight into Firenze’s mind. I look forward to reading your next piece, whatever it might be!

~Sophie

Author's Response: Hi, Sophie. thank you so much for the gorgeous review. I started thinking a little about Firenze when I included him in my Lavender fic, and although I don't write about him much, and he's never been an MC of mine, I do like thinking about his viewpoint. The centaurs were such complex characters, both prejudiced and prejudiced against, yet Firenze really stood out as his own man/horse (I've probably offended him - eeep).

Enough of Firenze! Thank you for reviewing this. Yes, poetry gets so little love, and yet it's usually easy to read and reviews never take that long. Ha, I'm giggling a bit because I hadn't connected nags and nagging. the use of 'forfeit' as an adjective was deliberate, though. It sounds, to me, slightly archaic and formal which is how I imagine Firenze's life with the herd to be.

Thank you againnnnn ~Carole~

This made me giggle so much, Carole. You seem to have worked every single Marauder Era cliche into the lyrics, which is quite a feat. My favourite line had to be when Sirius said "Think I slept with her friend". I'm glad I wasn't drinking tea when I first read it, because otherwise I'd have spluttered quite badly! I loved the upbeat, summery nature of the piece; it fitted the challenge wonderfully.

~Sophie

Author's Response: yayayay - glad you liked this. I certainly had a lot of fun writing it, especially the Sirius lines - ha ha. I love the original film a lot so this just made me giggle when I rewrote. Thanks for reviewing ~Carole~

Hey Pooja,

I've been reading a lot of Cotillion fics of late, and I've really loved having the chance to read so many new and unusual pairings. Cedric and Penelope are both characters I've read about before, but never together, as there would seem to be a lot standing between them. However, I thought that you brought them together really convincingly in this story.

The first thing that drew me into this story was your style. The opening was very gripping because of those three verbs and all of the short sentences that followed. You threw me straight into the action, which I found very effective. It didn't give me time to think; I was hooked from the off. There were lots of little stylistic things throughout the story that helped to engage me. For example, I really liked how you wrote, “It was impossible… impossible…” The repetition reflected Penelope's shock, and the shock of the people around her, making me feel more involved in the scene.

Another place where your writing really stood out to me was in your description of the prefects' bathroom. I would really love to be in a “citrus-scented” bath right now, actually! Your choice of adjectives gave me a really clear image of the bathroom, and I liked Penny's relaxed mood, too. It was a total change of mood from the tension and sadness of Cedric's death, and I thought that the contrast was highlighted by how short the first section was. Somehow, that made me feel even more invested, made me even more eager to find out what had happened between Cedric and Penny.

The last thing I want to say about your style is that I was very impressed by how you structured this. Non-linear structures can be really challenging (or, at least, they are for me), but I thought you had this just right. The sections were all linked coherently and convincingly; it didn't ever feel like you were just jumping back and forth at random. It was a really good way of engaging my attention because there was always some new thought, some new memory, to interest me. Also, that structure meant that I could never forget what was going to happen to Cedric. It was almost hard to watch Penelope develop feelings for him, knowing how things would end. There were so many things that helped me grow attached to her!

That structure was also, in a strange way, a good feature of Penny's characterisation. I could follow her thought processes really smoothly, and it made her grief feel stronger. Just seeing that there were so many little things in her life that made her remember Cedric – it convinced me of her feelings for him, far more than anything she could have said. Of course, some of the things she said were very effective, too. I particularly liked how you described her as “Almost dancing with happiness” when she had broken up with Percy. Her relief was palpable and showed how into Cedric she was.

Actually, one of the things I really liked about Penelope was the way she thought about Cedric. Of course she reacts to his blatant good looks, but she's never as obvious about it as the girls around her are. I loved Myrtle's line “Oooooh, I’d love to see him have a bath!”, but equally, I liked that Penelope seemed to have a bit more respect for Cedric. You contrasted her with Myrtle really well. Penelope didn't treat him as just a pretty face that she could ogle; she was interested in him as a person too, and that made me more sympathetic towards her.

Cedric, while he clearly had a very pretty face, had more depth to his character than that. As a canon character, he comes across as pretty much flawless, and not a very rounded character. However, I though you managed to make him so much more than that, while of course being faithful to the what we see in canon. When he refused to kiss her, he seemed almost (but not quite) too good to be true; that must have taken an awful lot of willpower for him. And then came Cho. I don't suppose that he meant to hurt Penelope, but that's what happened. He made a mistake and she got hurt and that's something that happens to everyone, no matter how perfect they are. That made him feel more alive to me than he ever had in canon.

I was also very impressed by your minor characters. Percy played a minimal role, but I could just imagine him, diligently writing to Penelope over the summer, but then being too engrossed in his work to give her any real time. His cluelessness, too, felt very familiar from canon. Then there was Professor Snape. In the few lines you gave him, he oozed venom and callousness, and leapt of the page at me. I liked Penelope's unnamed friend, too. Like with Myrtle, I loved her one line of dialogue, and completely understood where she was coming from. She sounds like a good sort of friend for straight-laced Penelope to have. It would have been nice to have had a name for her, though. Given this is from Penelope's P.O.V., it felt a little odd to me that she was just referred to as Penelope's friend.

In terms of plot, I thought you paced this really well. The shortness of each section meant that there was always something new happening. One of the stand-out moments for me was their first kiss. I really liked the way that you didn't make it too smooth and easy. It was awkward and borne of an accident and a moment of impulsiveness. It felt natural, like something that could happen to me too, and that was good to read.

The last thing I want to mention was that I thought you linked this all into canon really well. There would seem to be a lot standing between Cedric and Penelope – Percy and Cho mainly. However, you worked around that effortlessly, and I spotted little canon references – Percy's letters over the summer, for example – which made this story fit in even better.

Overall, I thought this was a really well written fic. I can't quite say that I enjoyed it when it was so sad, but I certainly appreciated it. Your prose, characterisation, structure and plot came together brilliantly to convince me of a seemingly unlikely pairing. Best of luck in the Cotillion!

Sophie

Author's Response: Sophie!

Wow, sorry it took me so long to respond to this, but it's so gorgeous, that gah... you just made me flail and squee and die! Thank you so, so much for this lovely insight on my story! :D

Haha, I just wanted to choose a pair that (hopefully) had never been written, and this seemed like one. :p I didn't have a solid idea at first, but at least my plot was properly determined by the time I wrote this. But I am really, really glad that you found it convincing enough. :D

The points in my writing style -- the verbs, and the repetitions, then the show/tell thing, the gestures, etc are all things I've learned from some of my wonderful betas (including you). These things were never present in my older pieces (and I cringe as I think of it now) but I'm glad it's finally all coming to me, ha! The non-linear format is not too difficult, actually, but maybe that's because I'm used to writing it. But you should try it sometime, it's fun. :D As for the contrast between the feel of the first portion and the second, I did that on purpose, because I wanted the unease and unrest to show at first, and then move into a soothing atmosphere, depicting happier times. I've also learned, over the last few months, that mentioning certain gestures, and specifying certain actions of the characters can be really useful in pulling the reader closer to them, as this creates a bond between the reader and the characters. :)

What makes me really happy is that you identified some of the things regarding Penny's character, which I wanted to put across. Because of the way Penny felt for Cedric, it was essential to stick to the tinier memories, because even if you look at regular psychology, when you remember a person you know, who's dead, you tend to think about these small, insignificant things first, and they seem even more significant. Also, the poor girl did not really have much time with Cedric. It was rather unfortunate, really.

Penelope did not seem like a vain girl to me-- considering she dated Percy. She was far more serious and thoughtful, I guess, and I thought that she'd possibly respect Cedric more than the other girls who swooned over him unabashedly. But of course, we know from the books that Cedric was unmistakably good-looking, so I couldn't forget about that. I thought, maybe, just talking to him once, or knowing him a little would make Penelope respect him more. We're all like that. The respect arises once we know the person, hahaha. :) I was definitely giggling while I wrote Myrtle's line, so I'm glad you liked that!

In the books, we see Cedric from Harry's PoV. Harry, the poor guy, is always competing with Cedric and everyone around him seems to support Cedric so much, Harry bitterly seems to think that Cedric is too perfect (though at times, his initial dislike for Cedric is rather hilarious). But yeah. Since everyone is awestruck by this chap here, he comes off as perfect. We never do get to see how Cedric is with the people he knows well (all of us are nice to people we're merely acquainted with). We don't get to see any insecurities or imperfections. But I wanted to bring some of those out, because I was presenting a close-up of Cedric in this fic, and I couldn't let it be flawless. As for refusing to kiss Penny, it was something he'd do, from his canon representation. Plus, he's a Hufflepuff. He must support loyalty. :)

Hi Jess,

Firstly, thank you thank you thank you! This was such a fabulous birthday present, and I hope the rest of MNFF has enjoyed it as much as I have. I wanted to write a SPEW review for you, but every time I read this, my brain turns into a pile of squee, so I think I'd best not.

From the first few words of this, you had me hooked. Your prose is gorgeous, and there is so much going on technically. Like, I loved how the pond could be a metaphor for Andromeda -- calm, but kind of mysterious in that you can't ever see through it, and only disturbed by something external and surprising. It set the mood really well, too -- pensive and peaceful but sad too. The alliteration of “simple and smooth” sounded so wistful and gah I just wanted to hug Andromeda already!

The gorgeous writing was something I flailed at right through the story. I don't know how you manage to sustain it so well without ever descending into cliché, or making it too much to read, if that makes sense. I think it works so well for me because you switch back and forth from the description into emotions and thoughts and actions all the time, and just--it's so well balanced! Like, I absolutely loved the ordinariness of you last line; that was spot on. For all of Andromeda's worries, these are entirely normal family scenes, things that so many people will feel, and you brought me right back into the real world with that. I couldn't help but smile.

In fact, there were so many details in this story that made me smile. Yes, there was a lot of sadness in there too, but Teddy, in all of his loveliness, balanced it out to a degree. Seeing him as a baby was adorable -- the orange hair made me think of the Weasleys and wonder what what mischief he'd get up to in his dreams. I could imagine the two sides of him, just from that -- the boisterousness that he might have gained from his mum, but the calm, gentleness of his father too.

Then, the sudden transition to nearly grown Teddy, taking care of the woman who was stroking his hair only a moment ago, well, it was almost painful. It certainly made me feel Andromeda's pain even more. More than that, though, it made him all of a sudden into a real person in my mind. I guess he reminded me a lot of Remus in that moment -- always looking after everyone else and never himself. That was true of him offering to give up his job for Andromeda too. I can only imagine how unhappy that would have made him, and how guilty she might have felt as a result, so it was a relief when she relented.

Clearly, I'm no mother either, but I found her worries and her love for Teddy so overwhelmingly convincing. I cried for her the first time I read this. If she had a Boggart, I imagine it would be Teddy dying, so for her to overcome that and support him in a career that she knows could kill him was huge. And the acceptance that he was an adult -- that must feel like she's giving him up and oh, my feels!

Right, I think that's enough squee from me now. Thank you thank you thank you once again! *tacklesquishes*

~Sophie

Author's Response:

First of all, I shall preface by saying it makes me so happy that you liked this story. It isn't the type of story I write at all, so the fact that you like it and don't find it to be rubbish and just don't want to tell me is a relief. However, I did make a conscious decision to step outside of my comfort zone a bit because I knew this sort of story is more in your wheelhouse. Let's just say that I was glad Maple rescued me and told me it wasn't crappity, because I honestly didn't know, lol.

The pond, as you mentioned, was a bit of a metaphor for Andromeda and the calm it gave her that she badly needed. Just months before, Harry was crashing into that pond with Hagrid, and ever since then, nothing was the same for Andromeda or her family. And even when the melee died down, there was still the issue of inner turmoil, threatening to surface at any moment from the slightest disruption.

I don't suppose I have much to say about my style, as it's the same one I've always had. However, I'm glad it works for you as a reader and for the story. But one thing I will mention that you brought up is the sudden shift from Teddy being a baby to him being an adult. That was a not-so-subtle device on my part to illustrate the striking grown-up quality of Teddy in the second, yet Andromeda still sees and thinks about the former section when he was a baby.

One aspect of Teddy's personality that I wanted to be clear was his deep love for the people close to him. He knows better than most how important loved ones are and how easily he could've not had them around. His parents died because they loved him too much to let him grow up in a world ruled by Voldemort; that leaves a mark as clear as the one Lily left on Harry, I think.

I kind of had to wing it on the parental feelings, but I was informed by a reader that I did pretty well in that aspect. But really, as corny as this sounds, I kind of transfigured my experiences as a mod mummy and watching my little baby modlets become proper, talented moderators. The rest was sort of natural after that. Feel free to judge me, lol.

Anyway, I am still so pleased you liked the story. I haven't had the chance to write a birthday fic and actually finish it for a long time, and you deserve all the squishes in the world for being so nice and hard-working. I'm happy to do this for you, despite it being the furthest thing from my cup of tea. Here's to another year of friendship!

~Jess

Hey Ariana,

I read this fic when you first posted it, I think, and I definitely remember enjoying it, but thanks to exams, all of the details have left me since then. Coming back to read it a second time had been a real treat, because it feels almost new to me, so I've felt the full impact of Daphne and Theo's actions towards Susan, and of Susan's pain. I'm just going to review chapter one for now, so I can go into more detail.

The first thing I'd like to say is that I really appreciate how you handled the exposition of this. There's an awful lot of back story that you needed to detail - necessary, interesting back story - but you integrated it all very smoothly. The opening line for example, “It was funny, really, how quickly and easily two people could grow apart”, was clearly in the present time of the story but had me immediately wondering what their relationship had been like prior to the story. The whole first scene had me curious about both past and present, and made me really eager to keep reading to understand the whole situation better.

Then there was the way you set up the sexual tension between the three characters. Of course Susan's attraction to Theo was one-sided, but I still felt its leftover potency in her shiver. Between Daphne and Susan, however, the attraction was palpable, deeply convincing, even when Susan seemed to want to ignore it. That Susan notices all of those details about Daphne - the “faint red print” of her lipstick, her “sharp eyes” - when she enters the room seemed very significant to me, and set up the following scene very effectively, I thought. The touching hands thing, too, and the use of the olive worked very well as build up. I even found myself kind of attracted to the idea of Daphne.

That brings me nicely onto Daphne. She seems quite the enigma. First I would have assumed that she was very much in love with Theo, simply because she goes from not having seen him since Hogwarts to being his fiancee in about a year. Her eagerness to meet Susan is also something I would have attributed to loving him. But of course then she shows up and is so much more complex than that, seeming to betray him in her manipulation and seduction of Susan. She has me absolutely intrigued and very keen to read on. I don't know if I would like her as a person, but as a character, I think she's incredibly strong.

Susan is very different, but I thought she worked equally well, and I found myself caring about her very quickly and easily. This was partially because of how she was suffering, but also because of how she dealt with it. She didn't seem to wallow in self-pity or lash out at people; she didn't burden anyone, and that kind of made me want to help her, to rescue her even. After seeing how awfully Theo treated her, how inconsiderate he was, I was kind of pleased for her when she slept with Daphne. She wasn't entirely in control, but she was doing something selfish, rather than putting him first and being trampled on. I mean, the way Daphne manipulated her does kind of worry me, so I'm interested to see where that will go. That I care for her so much just shows how strong your characterisation is.

The thing that really brought this chapter together for me was your style of writing. One thing I particularly loved was your dialogue. Each character had a voice, one that I could hear quite clearly as I read, and their emotions came through very naturally in their voices. Susan seems to talk less than the other characters, apart from when Daphne is manipulating her to talk about Theo. Daphne pretends to be a lot less perceptive than she is and so speaks bluntly. These things not only contributed to the characterisation, but also helped to bring the story alive.

All in all, I feel like I've been absolutely drawn into your world. I've very quickly grown attached to Susan, so I hope she doesn't get mistreated too much more in the coming chapters. Sadly, my vague memories of reading this before make me think that's not the case.

~Sophie

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this review, Sophie. I have been meaning to write the entirety of the story I have in my head concerning Susan and Theo and Daphne for some time now. But sometimes I've realized that when I have such a complicated head canon for stories they don't translate too well to actual fiction. I am so, so happy the story worked for you though. I'm glad you commented on Daphne - she is probably my favorite character in the world to write, period (though, as you said, I'm not sure I would ever want to be her friend). I'm also happy you liked the dialogue, I find my stories usually have a higher description to dialogue ratio, so I thought I'd try something more compelling :) . Again, thank you so much for your review! It positively made my day. xx Ariana

Hello Natalie!

You know, I think you've written possibly the single most surprising pairing of the Cotillion here. When I saw it, I just had to read out of curiosity. From what we see of Petunia's feelings about magic in canon, it seemed nigh on impossible that she'd fall for a witch. Of course, you've managed to make it seem very possible indeed with this story!

First things first though: the humour. I laughed out loud more than once when reading this. The potato peeler moment in particular really cracked me up – it was so bizarre, and yet at the same time, it felt plausible given how you'd written Hestia. All of the Spice Girls references, too, made me giggle. You chose such recognisable lyrics that I was singing along all the way through, which gave the story a fabulous, upbeat mood. Hearing those particular songs in connection to fusty, traditional Petunia was very amusing.

Anther thing I really appreciated in this story was how you wrote the dialogue. It may seem like a small thing, but it's something that always helps to engage me when it's written so naturally and amusingly. I loved the contrast you created between Petunia and Hestia in their first conversation. Even though Petunia was clearly emotional, you kept these formal stuffy touches with phrases like “for Christ's sake”, and I thought that worked really well against Hestia's casual tone and informality. Little things, like her saying “Dudley has apparently got dibs on Ginger Spice” brought her to life for me.

I thought your characterisation of Hestia all round was great. You linked her into canon really well with the potato peeler incident, but you also gave her a lot more depth than that. Because you gave her a Muggle-born girlfriend (watch the hyphenation, by the way), I could instantly understand what had drawn her to the resistance, as well as why she might be noticing Petunia in that way. She must have been so lonely, shut up in a house with the Dursleys and Dedalus, so latching onto Petunia is very understandable. I thought her friendship with Dudley was great, too; it felt very natural. She's the sort of person I could imagine Dudley liking, just for somehow seeming cool.

Petunia's relationship with her was very different, I suppose, because Petunia was never going to let herself be impressed by Hestia like Dudley might have been. Even when Hestia conjured the rabbit, something that would have had me gaping openly however little I liked its creator, Petunia seemed determined to keep her distance. I thought you made her thaw out very convincingly, though. Her homophobia at the beginning saddened me slightly, but it's what I would have expected. Then, seeing how she incrementally became more accustomed to the idea of it, eventually being so lovely about Hestia's girlfriend, felt very natural. It wasn't one sudden epiphany moment, just a gradual shift which, for me, worked very well.

The last thing I'd like to talk about is how lovely the birthday surprise was. I hope Hestia wasn't lying when she said it was Dudley's idea, and if she was, I hope Dudley learnt from her about being nice to his mum. It gave me hope for the family, with the exception of Vernon, I suppose, and that made me feel a lot less sad for Petunia. You made me very sympathetic towards her, more so than I would have expected to be, because of Vernon's awfulness when it came to her past birthdays and his awfulness in general. But even without Hestia around, after the war, I imagine that Petunia will be that little bit happier for loosening up a bit.

I've really enjoyed reading this, Natalie, and it's been fascinating to have this insight into Petunia's head, to see the Dursleys portrayed in a bit more depth. Best of luck for the Cotillion!

~Sophie

Author's Response: Sophieee! This was a very pleasant surprise! :) While your entire review makes me all warm and fuzzy, the part I love the most is this: "I think you've written possibly the single most surprising pairing of the Cotillion here." :D The Cotillion is so full of the unexpected that a compliment like this is priceless.

Hey Jess,

Somehow, I managed to miss this when you put it up, and now I really wish I'd found it sooner! Like a lot of people, I suspect, I can really relate to Lily in this situation, and I found the way you handled her feelings very effective. Teddy, too, was so lovely - everything I'd want him to be except in love with Lily.

First of all, I thought the way you built up their back story, right from the opening of the fic, was very important to how believable I found Lily's feelings for him. Fifteen years of history between them is summarised in that favourite god-daughter joke. Having that as a foundation made the subsequent revelations about her feelings more convincing for me, helped me to understand exactly why he was so hugely important to her. The pet name “Ladybug”, too, played a part in that, and little details like how she understood the significance of his hair colour meant that I could never forget the strength of their relationship. It was a great base for the plot, and really made Lily feel more convincing.

Secondly, I liked how you handled Victoire's role in this. She could easily have become a simple plot device, present only to show definitively that Teddy could never love Lily in the right way, but she felt more than that. Her stressiness, the near meltdown when Lily was late, her understanding of Teddy's disappearance - she was more than just a perfect bride in the background to make Teddy more sympathetic. This was a story of unrequited love, but I felt like there was a true love story playing out in the background, and it sweetened my sadness for Lily, to a degree.

Then onto Lily herself, the main feature. I don't read an awful lot of Next-Gen, and neither do I write it, so I don't have a very set idea of Lily in my head, but your take on her felt very much like Harry and Ginny's daughter to me. The passion of her love for Teddy was part of that, but more so, I think it was her self-sacrifice, her determination not to tell him and to keep the pain to herself, rather than making it hard for him too. That seems very Harry-like, to me, and I like seeing that sort of connection. But of course idiot Teddy insisted she tell.

It would have been very easy for Teddy to become some sort of villain, hurting the sweet little eighteen-year-old girl, his god-daughter, but he was so lovely I can't quite imagine it now. Right from the start, his determination to make her smile, to cheer her up, was adorable. I can see why Harry and Ginny would have wanted him to be godfather. That light-hearted, silly touch while they were dancing seems like something any child would love to have directed at them, and clearly Lily did. The only thing he did wrong, really, was to kiss her, but even that was well intentioned. As he made clear himself, he isn't perfect, but by Godric he seems to come close. You've created an incredibly loveable character in him, Jess.

I've told you before how much I adore your style of writing, and that applies no less to this story. The balance of your phrasing, the mix of fantastical vocabulary and simply conveyed feelings - there are so many nuances that seem, to me, just right. That final description of Lily, as “the girl beneath the stars who won’t think he hung them in the sky anymore”, was so gorgeously sad. The one thing I would say is that perhaps the star motif could have been put to more use. I noticed a few references to the night sky in Teddy's portion of the narrative, and I liked that it recurred within the second half, but I felt like something could have been added by using that in the first half too, to unite things somehow. When you have such a lovely line to end on, you might as well make the most of it!

However, apart from that one minor suggestion, I adored the story exactly as it is. I felt very much connected to Lily, but you managed to make Teddy incredibly sympathetic too. I'd love to see more of Teddy and Vic's relationship, and who manages to win Lily's heart, for I don't doubt that someone will eventually. I'll have to have a wonder through your author page, to see what else I can find :)

~Sophie