Hi, Emma. I can see the parameters of the Milestone Moment Challenge in the lines of your story. I’m glad you posted it anyway, even though it missed the deadline for that challenge.

You present a cranky, sleep-deprived Harry in this story, so I re-read the final pages of the chapter The Flaw In The Plan, to see how JKR depicted his mental state in the hours after the final battle. Her account ends at about noon on the morning of Voldemort’s defeat, so everything that happened after that is fair game for the fanfiction writer.

Your story depicts Harry as thinking ,….it was over, in one moment.” We can assume that his mind has been so focused, for so long, on the defeat of Voldemort, that after that goal was achieved his thoughts would be just a disoriented jumble. He would not yet have had the time or leisure to realize that it’s not really the end; they must mourn and bury the dead, deal with the remaining Death Eaters, repair the castle, restructure the Ministry, and rebuild families and the social order in general.

He needs to come to some sort of resolution about his role in these historic events, but he has not done that yet. In your story, Harry persists in the fiction that this was all about him. He thinks ”…they had died for him. If he had gone straight to Voldemort when he had been called, they wouldn’t all have died. They shouldn’t have had to do this just for him.” No, Voldemort began his murderous rise to power long before Harry was even born. And Harry’s earlier death would not have aborted Voldemort’s reign of terror. If Harry had “died” earlier, the diadem Horcrux would not have been destroyed (because Harry was the only one who knew where it was), and Voldemort would have survived. In truth, the noble dead died for the whole wizarding community (and wider society as well), not just for Harry.

You do well in pointing out the contradiction of feeling both happy (Voldemort defeated) and sad (friends and family dead) at the same time, but also identifying “relief” as the one emotion that everyone can agree upon.

As for the focus of the Milestone Moment Challenge, the party, I was hesitant about how likely it was that all those people would still be present at the castle by the evening of May 2. My question was whether most of the students’ parents wouldn’t have taken their children away from that scene of destruction and violence and returned home? And I wondered how likely it was that there would be a jubilant party so soon after those horrific events. I discussed these points with my daughter Elaine (Islastorm of Gryffindor); she suggested that a boozy revelry might be credible for people suffering from PTSD.

In the final moments of the story, Ginny says to Harry, ”You’re just going to have water? C’mon, have some fun,” as she fill his glass with firewhiskey. It makes me feel sad that she equates “drinking alcohol” with “having fun” (though I should cut her some slack, because she’s only sixteen years old). In his fragile emotional state, Harry is definitely not going to solve his problems with alcohol. Is it really impossible to have fun while remaining sober?

Your writing style is good, sentences well-constructed, good word choices, the pace brisk, a good balance of action and reflection. This is a complex subject, and a lot more could be written about the psychological aftermath of the battle than would ever fit into a one-shot. Nice job.

Hi, Nicole. This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I have read your story over and over, trying to decide what to say about it. I understand why you say in your Chapter End Note that you have never written anything like it before. It certainly is different.

It is odd and disturbing, but I do not mean that in any bad way. It is, after all, about Tom Riddle, and he is odd and disturbing. Ginny and Irma are being so controlled and manipulated by this book, which is a Riddle Horcrux; they are frightened, horrified, but at the same time fascinated. It’s like having a nightmare in which bad things are happening that you can’t control. I have seen fics written about Horcruxes, but generally from a fairly objective viewpoint; at most, they depict Ron or Hermione being taunted by their inner fears at the moment when they try to destroy the Horcrux, but those other stories don’t have the consummate creepiness that you have achieved here. The voice of the Horcrux speaks to us, pretending to be a friend, but ultimately to our misery; you have gotten the voice very well.

George and Fred struck me as irritating in their insensitive ragging of Ginny and their failure to see that they are carrying it to extremes, but I see their function in the story, giving Horcrux Tom another topic to torment Ginny with, and leading to their tossing the Dungbombs in the library, resulting in Ginny’s expulsion and her sudden, desperate attempt to ditch the book by hiding it on the trolley cart where Irma can find it.

But it is not clear to me why it was necessary (for the sake of the story) for Irma to go into the diary and see Myrtle’s death, since we know about her death from other sources, and it is not clear what the significance is of Irma’s vision of being at her mother’s funeral. Why did Horcrux Tom do that to her?

You have added a lot of detail, dialogue, and action to this particular moment in canon, all very thoroughly and graphically expressed, in an emotionally intense style, but I believe it doesn’t violate canon; it could have happened that way. (I have been flipping through CoS hunting for a reference to Ginny’s having an injured hand, but short of rereading the whole book, I have not found it.) So I think you can be satisfied that you accomplished what you set out to do, to show us how horrible this whole experience was for Ginny. I hope that horror did not rub off on you while you were writing it!

Hi, Carole,

This is Vicki Of Slytherin House, commenting on your compact little poem about the Peverell brothers.

The structure is atypical for you, three four-line verses with the simplest rhyme scheme, rhyming the second and fourth lines, but it is good to see you doing a variety of different poetic styles. I notice that there is some variation in line lengths and some uneven meter, but since well-known poets whose books are featured in displays at the public library also do this, that must mean it’s quite okay to have these irregularities.

The parallel construction of the three verses ties them firmly together. The rhymes in the first two verses are exact, grown-own and stone-own, so when we get to the last verse and the rhyme is is not absolute, home-own, there’s no problem because the rhyme scheme is already firmly established. And the identical final lines of verses one and two accentuate the variation in the final line, and idea, of the last verse.

Since the character of the poem is compactness, I appreciated the single well-chosen adjectives, “combative”, “doleful”, and “clever”, to describe each of the brothers.

You emphasized the behavior and outcome of the last brother by putting “clever and “…less” in italics to differentiate him from his imprudent brothers, but I do not think that the italics were necessary; the words alone would have provided the contrast.

I noticed that you wrote this poem in future tense, “will meet an inglorious end,” “will meet his fate,” and “his lifelong days will be strifeless.” When a story is told concerning something that happened long ago, it’s generally expressed in past tense. By putting it in future tense, you suggest that these principles still apply to people today.

In summary, your poem is a neat précis of the story of the Peverell brothers’ dealings with death, and an emphasis on the moral that is there for us all. Nice job.

Author's Response: This is Carole of Hufflepuff House responding.

Thank you very much for the review and the points raised. It's good to have poetry reviewed because it's so often ignored.

'Atypical'? Hmm, I'm not sure I have a typical style, so I can't really comment on the fact that you found it 'atypical' for my poetry. Basically, I have some free verse on this site and some with a more rigid structure, so I don't think there's anything that can be pointed out as my particular way of writing poetry. The only thing I suppose I could say about my poetry is that it's always short, or compact, because for some reason whilst I cannot contain my words in prose, in poetry I'm far more concise.

I used the italics because that's how I read the poem. I'm pleased you didn;t think they needed them because the words were enough to drive the message home, but I still speak the poem out loud and emphasise those words, which is why I've left them as italicised. Basically, I always write poetry as I'd speak it rather than read in my head (it's the actor in me).

The reason for the future tense was actually more simple than the fact that this will continue to happen (I hadn't thought of that, to be honest). It was because the prompt called for a prophecy which by it's very nature has to be written in the future.

Thank you very much for the review. I'm satisfied with this poem although I seem to remember, at the time, being overcome with the inability to string anything together and flying into a mad panic.
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Hi, H.S. This story is another great missing moment, though it’s different from your other missing moments in a couple of respects.

First of all, it seems a lot darker than your other missing moments, although the choice of Draco as a subject doesn’t necessarily mean that the tone will be dark; you could have chosen to write about Draco as a ferret, for example.

And second, it seems to have fewer solid connection points to canon than your other missing moments. In fact, there is only one, the fact that Florean Fortescue had disappeared several months earlier under violent circumstances. Everything else is very reasonable and plausible supposition: that he researched poisons while at home over Christmas, that kidnapped persons were already being held in the cellar of his family home and were being executed, that he discovered this due to the wishes of his mad aunt, that his mother was powerless to affect the course of events in any way.

I really love the way you have gotten into the mind of Draco, filling out this fairly bare-bones story with a richness of Draco’s increasing understanding of what is happening and how things stand with his family, the Dark Lord, and the war. You have skillfully avoided the trap of saying the same things over and over, which one sometimes sees in an intensely introspective piece like this. You have managed to turn Draco into a sympathetic but tragic character, much different from the swaggering, bullying pre-adolescent whom we first met in book one. He feels increasingly trapped, his choices being taken away one by one until he has, as he thinks, “no other option.”

However, you did right in not portraying Draco as beginning to question his family values of blood purity and pureblood dominance; that change of heart did not occur until the very end of the tale. At this time of his life, all he felt was anguish, stress, confusion, desperation, and you express these feelings very well.

I was intrigued by your treatment of Draco’s mother. At the beginning of the story you imply that she removed the books dealing with poisons from the Malfoy family library, suggesting that she did not want Draco to learn to make a poison, but at the end of the story she answers, “I know” when Draco assures her he will succeed in killing Professor Dumbledore. She cannot change the course of events (or so she thinks at this point), but you have shown the love that existed between her and Draco, perhaps the only love in the household, and we know how that played out in the end.

Your writing is, as usual, hard to find fault with. In this story there is not a lot of physical description of the scenes, but I don’t miss it at all, since the focus is mostly what’s going on in Draco’s head, not what’s going on around him. In the cellar scene, your description is rightly limited to the abandoned and foreign (to him) clothes; the stone walls or cold air don’t matter here. My only suggestion would be in the second half of the final sentence: it seems to end a bit abruptly, and I would like to expand that sentence a little more, so that it trails off a little longer.

I really like the canon-compliant stories that you write. The saga in the seven books is a serious tale, and the missing moments add to its weightiness in a way that fluffy post-Hogwarts stories cannot. Thank you for writing.

Vicki

Hi, BP,

This is Vicki of Slytherin House, and I am happy to review your poem , even though the Slytherin is the Bad Guy and dies in the end. :) I particularly like sonnets, because they have just the right amount of volume (fourteen lines of ten syllables each) to tell the story thoroughly without being wordy. And I just finished writing a 2014 Cotillion story in which the Battle of Hogwarts features prominently, so my brain is full of this scene right now.

I like the way you reference the sun at the beginning and then at the end of the poem; it makes the poem feel as if it’s neatly tied up. And of course the fact that the good guys won just as the sun rose over the horizon has always given the scene high drama, sufficient to declare, as you did, that the suddenly-blazing sun and the explosion of spells that annihilated the evil are one and the same.

It was good of you to highlight something that other writers never do: Harry addresses the Dark Lord by his given name, Tom, and urges him to have remorse for his monstrously evil deeds. This is not just a throwaway line in the books; without these elements, Lord Voldemort is almost like a mechanical evil robot; we need to be reminded that, at his core, he is simply a person.

Another good line is “The boy lets fate run its disarming course. The wand was fated to come back to him, so he needed no stronger spell than Expelliarmus. And it did my heart good to read the line about the cackling witch who met her rightful end! Couldn’t happen to a more worthy person!

When I read in line five “victorious the red,” I did not realize at first that red equaled Gryffindor; I was trying to make it into blood, but all became clear in line twelve where you mentioned “green and red”.

One suggestion: in line three, where you say “knifes,” I think you want ”knives”.

In summary, I liked this sonnet very much. You use the language well; your sentences are succinct and accessible, with fresh ideas and images. Thank you for writing.

Author's Response: Hi Vicki, Thank you for all your lovely reviews. I agree, sonnets can make for fantastic narrative or emotive poetry, and I feel that the best poets can fit both in one. Yes the movements of the sky, be it planets or weather, can make for a great comparison to the events down here. I found it was a really important part of the books that Harry was not vengeful and offered Voldemort a second chance. Tom Riddle was one of my favourite characters (not least because I had a bit of a crush on Christian Coulson because damn...) and so I definitely think that a part of his character development was to do with him doing unforgivable things and feeling no remorse. You are so right that the line was certainly not throwaway. On the point of victorious the red, I thought it could also stand for expelliarmus as a spell. It always struck me that Expelliarmus and Gryffindor were the same colour and it's opposite green (Slytherin and AK) in the colour wheel. Thank you very much for your feedback! - BP

Hi, Claire. This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I enjoyed your Christmas story. It has a refreshingly even tone, perhaps because Charlie is now 42 years old, and not thinking or acting like an adolescent. You write with a light, gently humorous style, and I loved the line "The room was silent with everyone hoping someone else would volunteer," because that's how it so often really is.

For a brief story, your tale includes a lot of historical detail, in individual sentences here and there, that really fleshes out the story well. The reader is left with a vivid impression of the staffing of the Dragon Reserve, and the quick characterizations of Charlie's fellow staffers really bring this group of people to life.

Charlie is well-characterized; we can see him as a cheerful, easy-going, competent guy, but still, even at age 42, intimidated by his indomitable Mum and struggling to write a frank letter, finally resorting to a white lie to explain a decision that he cannot explain even to himself.

I liked the fact that when Charlie went into the bar on Christmas Eve, he was happy and looking for fun ("a slightly ruckus evening"). I have read a lot of fics involving depressed people sitting in bars, often on holidays, feeling sorry for themselves, and that kind of story, frankly, gets boring, so I was very glad you didn't go there.

Charlie's initial interaction with Emma seemed cautious and tentative; even though they found that they had something in common, Quidditch, they seemed to be circling each other warily. That seemed realistic; after all, they were strangers to each other. The kiss in the barroom doorway might seem unrealistic, except that it could be the Firewhiskey talking, and the spirit of the season. (Maybe Fane had some mistletoe hanging over his door.)

The humorous undercurrent of your story breaks forth at the end, to give your story a neat wrap-up. Poor Charlie -- he was too old for her anyway, and as her boss he can't have a relationship with her, but he sees the humor in the situation, so all ends happily.

It is fun to read a story about Charlie; he gets stuck off in Romania, generally out of sight and out of mind, except for occasional brief appearances at The Burrow. You have shown him as a very likeable character. Nice job.

Hi, Jenny,

This is Vicki (the Oregonian) of Slytherin House, here to say that it’s a boom-hiss shame that no one has written a review for this cute little poem.

I don’t know if it fits the definition of a double dactyl precisely, since the six-syllable word is typically found in line seven of each eight-line group, but it’s great fun anyway. I love the phrase “Toad-slash-Inquisitor’s guts-haters muttering…”, a delightful compaction of the concept: “those who hate the guts of the Toad/Inquisitor are muttering…”

I’m also pleased by the frequent appearance of words ending in “…utter”: splutters, sputtering, nutter, buttered, clutter, muttering. Maybe you found some of them in a rhyming dictionary, but they all fit into the thought of the poem just fine. (Sometimes we see a word used for the rhyme when it doesn’t really fit the thought of the poem, but no problems here!) I think that in a double dactyl, you are required to rhyme only the final words of the verses, sounds-crowned and around-abounds, but you threw in a whole lot more.

And I liked that the first three verses were all about Umbridge (though in language revealing Fred’s and George’s point of view: “ministry nutter”) and the last verse was about Fred and George, expressing their emotion perfectly: “What bloody glorious chaos abounds.”

In order for the word “antipathetically” to be six syllables, one must elide the syllable “al” and pronounce it “antipathetic-ly”, which is fine by me, since the Pacific Northwest accent (my daughter knows all about this; I didn’t realize that not everyone pronounces it thus) elides syllables anyway, changing “victory” to “vict-ry”, and so on. (Readers sometimes chide me for assuming that they will read my poems with a Pacific Northwest accent, and they tell me my meter is wrong, and I say “What?”)

As a closing thought, something that I have noticed about your poetry is that you write in a wide variety of styles, so my hat is off to you for that. It is a pleasure to read your works.

Author's Response: Oh, this was a great prompt. I had a few -utter words I really liked (especially "ministry nutter" and "ash-buttered cardigan," and then decided to go all out and sprinkle them everywhere they'd fit. The rules for these poems were quite constricting, so it took a long time to make everything sound just right, but I was pleased with the final piece. It's such a cheeky little poem. :D Thanks again for your lovely review!

Hi, Jenny,

This is Vicki of Slytherin House. I don’t know how I missed this poem when you posted it; I guess it’s so slender that it just slipped past me.

It’s a cute little poem, with a careful syllable-and-rhyme scheme that I didn’t notice in my first reading of it. :p You must have had fun in writing a poem with so few words, but with meter and rhyme. I did one like that once, but not on a HP theme.

Because of the uncertainty, the tentativeness of the words, I would say that it is the guy speaking, not the girl. The mild swearing (damn; Merlin! used as an expletive) also sounds more like what a guy would say. And traditionally it is the guy who is expected to make the first move. But, as you say, it could be any of a number of pairings; only the words Knuts and Merlin tie this poem to the Potterverse and not to the world at large.

It sounds like a very young pair, perhaps 13 years old. Lots of readers could recall a similar situation in their own lives when they were in their early teens. Frustrating it must have felt at the time, but now we can laugh about it.

Thanks for writing. It was fun to read.

Author's Response: Funny you should say 13--I took the idea for this poem, and a phrase or two, from something I wrote at the age of 12. It certainly is humorous now...if only the speaker of the poem (who, to me, feel closest to Ron or Hermione, but really could well be any one of own younger selves) knew how adorable they were! It's a fun poem, and it was definitely fun to write--took me a while to get the meter pattern all consistent, though! Anyway, thanks for reviewing, and glad you like it.

Hi, Jenny. This is Vicki, here to say that I was really happy to read your story set in the context of the Fourth of July, which so many Americans say is their favorite holiday, surpassing even Christmas (for many reasons). And it was really neat that your story was posted just a few days before the holiday, when we were all in the mood. (I'm sure you must have planned it that way.)

There were lots of things that I liked about this story. The structure was good, the first half being like a mystery (what's going on?) and then the second half evolving into an exploration of what this holiday implies in a much larger sense. You are lucky to have your history-nerd brother to help you with the background, but you did a wonderful job in developing those bare facts into the moral discussion that runs through the latter half of the story.

Your characterizations of Ron and Hermione were spot-on. Hermione gives Ron a lot of information, but in a succinct way, not going on and on or overwhelming him (and us readers) with too much detail. And she doesn't talk down to him or belittle him for not knowing this stuff already; this makes her seem very lovable, and fits in perfectly with her caring personality that we know so well.

Ron praises Hermione for having so much factual knowledge, but I like the fact that you show that he's pretty smart too, in recognizing the philosophical conclusion "It's not always just good or evil...", and seeing how that philosophy applies to so many different situations.

(I was glad to see that you completely avoided the common stereotypes of Hermione as a bickering, critical shrew and Ron as a clueless oaf. The Ron and Hermione that you depict are much more believable, as maturing adults who have grown beyond their adolescent selves.)

Your descriptive passages of the hotel room were just right. We have all been in Ron's place, looking out the big windows onto the night scene below, with the streetlights and the occasional passing car. It is so easy to see in the mind's eye, and I loved your description of the heavy drapes and the thin curtains -- only in a hotel room! There was a tone of gentle, sympathetic humor in your treatment of Ron's experience with the Muggle world, and I smiled when Ron momentarily wondered if someone had cast the Dark Mark.

I particularly admired your brief phrase "...she transferred into textbook mode." So succinctly and gracefully put.

Finally, the moral discussion in the latter half of your story is what lifts the story high above merely an entertaining piece about Ron's not recognizing fireworks. I went back through the story and listed all the examples you had subtly managed to tuck in: wizarding world vs. Voldemort, British vs. Americans, British vs. Irish, wealthy merchants vs. ordinary people, and people of varying opinions regarding elf rights. That's pretty impressive because it all flowed naturally, and the effect was to make Ron seem wise and reflective. I, and probably others, have wondered what a smart girl like Hermione saw in Ron, enough to make her want to marry him. Your story suggests that, at an intellectual level, they did have more in common than we may have surmised.

You are to be congratulated for taking an amusing little episode from your own life and expanding it so imaginatively into this philosophical piece. Being one of those Americans whose favorite holiday is Independence Day, I enjoyed your story thoroughly. Good job!

Author's Response: Oh my goodness, what an amazing review! Thank you so much, Vicki! I'm glad you liked the R/Hr dynamic here--Ron is so often given the role of loyal friend to Harry, or just comic relief, that it feels like we rarely see the rest of his personality. Characterization and relationships between characters, far more than plot, seem to be the centerpieces of my fics. The moral discussion was actually not really a part of the original idea for the fic, but I couldn't figure out how to end it, so I started thinking about using the fireworks as a metaphor for something...and I think it ended up improving the fic significantly! I guess part of it came from having often heard a point made by people less enthusiastic about Harry Potter than I--that the Harry Potter books have no moral grey area (except Snape). This fic is, in part, my answer to that. And, although I may lament the fact that my brother is not the most eager audience when it comes to my mathematical rants, I am definitely grateful for his wealth of history understanding, which he is happy to share with me. I wish I had time to respond more at length...Thank you, again, for your lovely review!

Hah! And I was going to write this review for no rewards at all, but now that I see that you’re really handing out cookies…

Hi, Abi. This is Vicki of Slytherin House, and I’m not just cadging for cookies when I say that your poem has a sparkle, a spirit that gives it life. It has a lively pace, with plenty of active verbs. And it tells a lot of story within twenty compact lines. There are no wasted words here, no unnecessary redundancy (hence the lively pace).

We see Ted Tonks’ essential nature in these lines:

“You tell them to run; you tell them not to wait.”
“You will not give them the satisfaction of a win, so you turn to face them with a defiant grin.”
“You try to buy your friends some precious time.”

All those lines reveal Ted’s character. He is brave, gallant, down-to-earth. He recognizes when his time is up, he makes his last moments count for something, and he hopes his wife will survive to see the dawn of the peace that he has been fighting for.

Your poem has a very storytelling nature: a few details to set the scene, a rapid series of events, tension and danger, a climax and inevitable bittersweet ending. There is a strict rhyme scheme, but not a strict meter; that adds to the narrative feel of the piece.

And I liked the tie between verses two and five, where Ted mentions “those to whom your blood is a sin” and then again “your supposed crime”. Referencing the first phrase with the latter phrase helps keep the poem from having a rambling feel.

All in all, I enjoyed this poem; this tiny moment in the Harry Potter history is a good choice for a poem. Perhaps there will be another poetry class this summer and you will be able to work on your poetry some more.

(Will accept cookies now.)

Author's Response: Oh wow, I've only just seen this! Thank you so much for the kind words, and I'm very glad you enjoyed it as poetry is not something I'm used to writing. You are very much welcome to some cookies now =)