There's a lot of poignancy packed into the small moments of this story. It's awfully understated, and you have an incredibly delicate touch with your characters... you manage to express this somewhat awful search for something she'll never have--her family back again--without veering off into melodrama. Even the crying scene with her mother was brief. This really resonated with me, because in my experience, that's how grief is in real life; it's a process you go through in order to keep moving, keep going about a mundane daily life. The grieving process itself was also incredibly realisti; I appreciated your understanding of the different things that people do when they are grieving or remembering very much. The urge to reinvent people who passed away at the age they are now rang true to my experience of things I've done to remember family members who've passed away, the fear of showing your grief to other people who were also close to the person because you don't know how they'll react... All in all, I read through each small moment of this piece, nodding my head, thinking "Wow, I've done that, and that, and oh, that too." And though my emotions weren't on a rollercoaster ride throughout the story itself, I looked back at the entire piece together after reading it and just... I'm being inarticulate here, but I can't explain the feeling I had. It's one of those pieces that I'll probably be thinking about three days from now, still in my mind and my heart. I can't say that about a lot of stories/films/poems, etc.

The only critique I have--and this is a personal reaction based on my own experiences, it's not anything concrete, so feel free to take it or leave it as you feel fit--is that I was surprised to see the lack of anger in this piece. I don't mean anger about what happened to them, or how they died... with that, perhaps the fact that she wasn't around and didn't get to know them before their deaths contributes to her distance from the emotions involved there. I meant anger at the...unfairness of it all. I know it sounds a little self-indulgent, but it is a very common reaction indeed, especially to catalyze the grieving process. You cry or scream... just get angry, and then... you do something about it. Thinking about this a little more as I write, maybe it's not anger specifically I'm looking for... rather a very strong emotion that catalyzes Susan's decision to go from painting still life portraits to one of her family. Doing big things (like painting) which focus on the people you've lost is sort of like a Pandora's box... you could easily get mired up in the grief again, it brings up so many emotions, and it's hard, emotionally draining... for me, there's always had to have been a strong catalyst which convinces me to open up that old wound and explore it again, even though I know the explorations are part of the healing process.

Sorry about the rambling in this review; I wrote this off the cuff as I reacted to the story. I hope some of it is a tiny bit helpful to you. Wonderful work, and without further ado, write on! :)

Wow. This was really, really interesting! I never imagined that James might have suspected one of his closest friends, so this story struck me as surprising and really original. Most importantly, even though I didn't expect to read a story like this, I totally believed it--you made it make total sense, I think--so bravo. Great work!

I loved your descriptions--there's just enough of it to tease the reader and engage them, but not so much that it interferes with the flow. This story reads like a charm... It's not overly elegant with very complicated word choice or artsy assonance, but the sentences fit together very well. That probably sounds a little silly, but it's the only way I can think to put it--basically, the flow is perfect, it feels like you read it over and over again as you were editing, making sure that each paragraph has its own unique descriptions but also didn't go on for too long.

If I had to change anything about this story, I think I would add some length to it , to build the plot and layer the characterizations a bit more than you have. The Remus/Lily scene was a great start, but I think you could have followed it up with at least one James/Lily scene and one Marauders + Lily scene which develops those character relationship dynamics a bit more and then feeds into the ending of the story (the fever-dream). I feel like this situation--four guy friends + one girl who dates two of the guys in the group--has the potential to create some very complex dynamics in a social group, and you only skimmed the surface with the one Remus/Lily scene as backstory... I wanted more.

Then again, wanting more isn't a criticism, really, it's a compliment, haha. Great work, and without further ado, write on! :)

Author's Response:
Hello! Thank you for such a constructive review. From the extent of our communication so far, I have gleaned that you have a keen eye for canon information and knack for using that information creatively. I appreciate very much that you find it an interesting take that occurs behind the canon information we know about James and his trust of his friends ("...James would have regarded it as the height of dishonour to mistrust a friend").

I had intended to work on two things here, dialogue and description, with dialogue being the element I'm not usually very good at. Since English is my second language I have a tendency to become verbose and poetic often many times when it doesn't really lend anything to the writing itself. I had to a large extent held back my hand here. Glad you seemed to think the flow and sentence structures work. Involuntarily, I often think of dramatic situations, the result being what you describe as the 'fever-dream'. I enjoyed writing that.

I love the way you say ". . . this situation--four guy friends + one girl who dates two of the guys in the group--has the potential to create some very complex dynamics in a social group . . ." and agree with you wholeheartedly. Hmm, it's making me think about wanting to write more of this :) As I go back to reading that paragraph, I think it was such a long time ago, I don't even remember how I'd intended this to be. Merlin, haha, does that make me a terrible writer? Your fantastic review has spurred me on though. Thank you for your kind words!

Looking forward to read more from you,

-Akay

This story is heartbreaking. At first I was a little confused by the fact that Cho and Colin were in school together during what would have been Harry's seventh year... just so you know, a Book 7 Disregarded warning doesn't quite encompass this issue, because you're not disregarding events specific to Book 7. Cho's a year older than Harry in any of the books, so I think an Alternate Universe warning might be more appropriate, unless you come up with a rational reason Cho is spending the year after her graduation at Hogwarts--in which case, yes, the Book 7 Disregarded warning is adequate because you're just making up an extra fact about Cho that doesn't exist in Book 7, not changing her age/year in school entirely.

Anyway, sorry to start with such a technical warnings-centric point--onto the content focused critique! The characterizations, I felt, were very realistic. We've seen Cho be angst-ridden and Colin be naively happy in canon before, and I appreciated that you used these qualities to shape this story because it helped me to believe that these characters could meet in this way. I also got this vague undercurrent of an unrequited romance on Colin's part--I thought it was very clever, how you managed to impart that hunch to me as a reader without ever referring to it directly (or even indirectly, as far as I could tell... I honestly cannot pinpoint the line/moment where I felt like Colin might have a crush on Cho, it's a perfectly narrated dynamic).

I do think Cho veers off a bit into melodrama from heartfelt angst--though we've seen her do this in canon, so it is somewhat in character, she herself says at the start of this story that she has grown older. For me, part of maturity is a tendency to be more realistic and down-to-earth, so lines like "Now I’m tempted to think that no changes will happen to me for the better"... ring a little untrue to me, sound a bit like histrionics. I suppose someone with a poorer opinion of Cho would find this believable, based on her constant crying in OOtP, but I'd like to think she's stronger than that, especially since she did go ahead and join the DA/come to Hogwarts to fight at the end of Book 7.

I really wish the ending could have been happier. This is not a criticism in any way; what you wrote sounds realistic and sounds like a reaction someone who's been through such a trauma could have, so please don't take this as "Change the ending!"... I'm not saying that at all. But I could have just as easily seen Cho taking this as, "Wow, he was right... let me go prove to the world that he's right and live a happy life full of joy in his honor!" ... I've done that in response to some trauma myself, and I find it a pity that she took the other option.

That said, the ending--particularly the part where she leaves his body behind for someone else to find--was so moving. I imagine I wouldn't feel as torn as a reader at the end if you changed Cho's reaction a single iota.

Good work! I enjoyed this story a lot. Without further ado, write on! :)

Author's Response: Wow. I haven't logged onto MNFF in.. a long while now, but I thought of it today and decided to see if anything was new. And I saw this review and was just blown away. I don't know that I've ever received a review with the quality and effort and time put into it that this one demonstrated... I appreciate it very much. It's things like this review that make me think that maybe I should start writing again. So thank you.

What a beautiful, beautiful story. I'm not usually one to gush, and I nearly always have something that bothers me about a story, but with this one... there's literally nothing. You've blown me away, author. I suppose the least I can do is tell you the things that I loved about this story.

The best part was that you nailed the three way dynamic of the Trio that so few authors get right. During the parts where Harry and Hermione are hiding, of course, that dynamic dulls down to basically your standard Harry/Hermione, but even in those moments, you throw in tiny pieces of Ron--for example, Harry holding Hermione while Ron watches from the stand. Or Harry kissing Hermione immediately after she's so hurt over Ron (and you know, people can't hurt you unless you love them first). The emotions between all three characters are so neatly intertwined, and you make the mess--navigating this mess, this not-boyfriend, not-love mess--seem so effortless in your words. Personally, as a reader, I'm a huge proponent of monogamy, of dating-if-you're-in-love, and I've quickly learned that real life rarely works that way. But even with what I see and accept, I'm always questioning people's motivations, whether they are being genuine, etc. The fact that you can narrate such an unclear situation and guide me past these tricky scenes without any residual questions or doubts or disbelief is very striking for me.

Last but not least, the part that nailed me, that absolutely sealed the deal on this story for me, was Harry's explanation of why and how these two Gryffindors--the ones who hold their principles above all else, these two characters who time and time again prove that their friendships mean everything to them--could do what they have done. The realization of Harry, finally, that they had been hiding, that while he did nothing technically wrong, he "broke something sacred" was devastatingly honest to me. Very realistic, and very much something I could imagine a 15 year old boy feeling and thinking (and even being oblivious about for so many months prior!).

In short, this story has stood out to me as one of my favorites in a long time. It's subtle, it's honest, and it's very well written. Thank you for sharing this piece with us at MNFF. :)

Author's Response: Your review actually made me tear up. It's been quite a long time since someone's been so clearly affected by my writing, and I always feel so honored when that happens. Thank you so much for your long review. I'm really glad you noted the importance of the Trio in the story, since that's exactly what I was going for. The story may be about Harry and Hermione, but it is very much about who they are, in regards to the friendship amongst Ron and the two of them. I agree with you, personally. I'm big on the whole in-love thing, both in stories and in real life. But I was struck by the idea of writing a story in which not-love mattered just as much. I'm thrilled that you think I've succeeded in explaining that type of situation. I'm also really glad that you enjoyed the "explanation" part of the story. I was honestly afraid it had gotten a bit too preachy, but I'm glad you could hear a 15-year-old thinking and acting like that. Being "subtle" is perhaps the kindest compliment for me. It means so much to me, as that's really what I was striving to achieve. Well, you said you aren't one to gush. Normally I'm not either. But your review really made my day. Thank you again, so very much. This was one of the most different stories I have ever written, in terms of genre, characters, and basically everything, so I'm glad that it was enjoyed.

You have a lovely story here--it fits perfectly within canon and it's a cool plot bunny--retelling sixth year from the point of view of Draco Malfoy would grant us a radically different interpretation of canon events as well as a lot of new material which Harry and company would never have experienced during their time at Hogwarts. Your descriptions are strong--I can definitely envision certain locations which you use during your story; some particular favorite moments of mine were your description of Voldemort in Chapter 1 (not going to pull up a direct quote, but it included the phrase "a string of words") as well as your description of Draco's pomp and the interactions between all of the Slytherins on the train to Hogwarts.

My favorite part of this story is simultaneously the part I'm going to critique. You do an incredible job of showing Draco as a teenager--sulky, angry, and often unreasonable. Suddenly it is clear to me how he could so willingly and foolishly enter into a contract with the Dark Lord. I completely buy your interpretation of the events and his emotions so far. But this interpretation isn't the most flattering in the world--Draco, more times than not, in his boasting to his friends on the train or in his wary appreciation of (insane) Bellatrix, sounds downright foolish and I want to smack some sense into him! And that, dear author, is my critique: it is very difficult to keep reading a story about a protagonist with whom you don't identify or empathize. Though your depiction is completely in character, I urge you to quickly include events/reasons that will bring Draco closer to reality, closer to how we see him at the end of Book 6 when he is afraid, tired, nearly sick with emotion and completely unprepared to kill Dumbledore. The Draco we see at the end of Book 6 is a little pathetic, but readers (at least I) do empathize with him. We don't respect him or think he's a hero, but we feel something for his plight.

I also urge you in the future to take more advantage of the flexibility of this plot to really be creative: show us parts of Hogwarts or the students' social scene that Harry/the Gryffindors were never exposed to in canon! Obviously, the Slytherin Common Room is a place to start, but branch out--has Malfoy and company discovered secret rooms like the Room of Requirement which Harry, Hermione and Ron found? Do they have house traditions? What are the social dynamics of Slytherin and how do they affect Draco? It is these new stories and characters that can draw readers in and excite them even though they know how this story will end thanks to canon--take the time to build a world inside of JKR's world because, in this plot device of canon-through-a-different-character's-POV, you really have the opportunity to do so.

Once again, good work and good luck with further chapters! Without further ado, write on. :)

Author's Response: I'm so pleased you took the time to read this. It's actually the first peice of fan fic I ever wrote, and I've kind of abandoned it as my imagination sidetracked me onto more original ideas. Thank you for the critique, I agree wholeheartedly! I was thinking of coming back to this fic over the summer and trying to improve it, so it may well progress slowly!!

Dear author,

You do well portraying a friendship of boys turned to men where, in some ways, everything is the same. Catch a glimpse of these two men in a different light, however, and one quickly sees that everything is different. This story's strength is in the little snippets of detailed narrative--Sirius poking Remus under the table with his foot and noticing the potential of Tonks and him as a couple before even Remus realizes, or Sirius bracing himself against the wind from an open window. There I see the heartbreakingly human imperfection involved in this tragic Rip Van Winkle-esque story, of two people strugging to rediscover what they never should have lost. You're done an excellent job of juxtaposing these small details to show how complex and unclear this situation truly is--how much Remus and others who knew Sirius have to struggle to understand him and be his friend.

I wish you would dig further into Remus' emotions earlier in the story. Until the section where Sirius dies, I feel the tone of this narrative is a little detached. That makes sense, given how reserved Remus is as a character; we rarely see him react passionately the way Sirius always does. But this one-shot has a unique perspective from inside Remus' head and we have a rare opportunity to see the real, potent emotions which he so rarely lets surface firsthand. Use that opportunity to show more of him to us as your readers. For him as much as Sirius, this has to be frustrating, saddening, heartbreaking. As Sirius is reentering his life from long ago, Remus must also be searching for the friend whom he used to know, and that involves a serious amount of heartbreak. For example, when Sirius protests his house arrest, saying that he needs to do something, tell us how that makes Remus feel. Don't just stick to the dialogue that Remus expressed externally; dig into his internal journey as a friend of a former Azkaban convict, of a changed Sirius Black.

Otherwise, it's fascinating story, and you've got a strong grasp over descriptive writing that captures my attention. Wonderful work; write on!

Author's Response: Wow, thank you for leaving such a great review! You're right, I did write more on Remus thinking about Sirius's feelings and such rather than actually writing about his own feelings. In writing it, I was thinking more about what would be going through the mind of Sirius more than I was of Remus, even though I was writing from Remus's viewpoint. I do tend to have trouble with talking about the feelings of the person's whose POV it is, but I'm trying to work on it so thanks for pointing that out! I Thanks so much, and thanks for reading!

I just sped through all four chapters--this is SUCH a lovely piece you've got going!! What astounds me every time I find little gems like this on MNFF is how a great writing style can completely immerse me in a plot. I've seen Harry/Ginny break-up stories where scarred!Harry makes an appearance or Hermione/Ron break-up stories where Harry and Ron remain friends and the Trio's relationship is strained... all of this has been done before, but you really have put a whole new shine onto the general framework with your beautiful characterization. Over and over again, you use just enough description to indirectly characterize the three of them, and I just find these chapters to be wonderfully refined. You're a very talented author, that much is clear, and though the plot is clearly just in the beginning stages at this point, I'm looking forward to reading more from you. Bravo! And of course, write on. :)

Author's Response: Thank you very much. I really do prefer-- I'll say a more diffuse approach to characterization. I like to have lots of things going at once so a character can react and interact. That way they don't have much opportunity to sililoquize.



You are right. This has all been done before… but I thought I might try my hand at it, anyway. I hope my version of events is unique enough to continue to be worth reading.



As for being talented, I appreciate you saying so, but really I'm just a charlatan, dreading the moment I am to be found out. Hooefully, I can make it through this fic, first.



Again, thank you so much for reading and for the review.

~S~

This was a really different side of Severus that I saw... very emotional and soft, but I think it's in character because that's really very much how he felt about Lily in the memories he shared with Harry. I think I would have appreciated more of a context for the story, which you could show us through Severus' emotions--for example, is this when he's convinced himself that he should defend Harry? Is he already defending him at Hogwarts, how does he feel about that? Basically I feel like this memory and the attached emotions could have occurred to Severus at any point after the death of Lily until his own death, which is over 15 years of time! A little more context--and perhaps a reason why this particular memory came to Severus at whatever moment it did--would flesh out this story and give the emotions and characterization even more complexity and depth. Good work, dear author, and without further ado, write on! :)

Author's Response: Thank you for your awesome review! You said that context would have been useful, and I can see your point. When I was writing the story, though, I forsaw this problem, and felt that trying to put some context would deter the flow of the story. I felt that this story, however, occurred before Harry went to Hogwarts, and most likely happened when Dumbledore asked Snape to protect Harry that fateful night, because having to make that promise again would probably spark this memory. Or perhaps it could have happened when Snape found out that Harry was destined to die young, just like his mother. I hope, though that a lack of context doesn't turn your attention away from what the story was about. And maybe I will change the story later to fit in context... Thanks again for your review! I enjoy them a lot! :) ~Nagini

Ooh, this was wonderful. :) I wrote a Neville-centric submission myself for this challenge, and it's really very interesting to see how many different ways you can write a single character--I loved your interpretation! This is Neville in a way which we saw him very little through canon, since only a tiny part of Book 7 was set in Hogwarts/among the DA members. I'm very impressed at your ability to extrapolate from so little into a story this captivating, with this strong a character.

The first time Crucio was cast, I was expecting a Frank and Alice reference by Neville, and I felt a little lost, I'll admit when one did not appear. But sure enough--and perfectly in-character--there the reminder popped up in the second Crucio, very appropriate. I also really loved the plot development caused by a second Crucio. In my mind, standing up twice, after experiencing the pain the first time, that's truer bravery--you know what's in store for you at that point, and you do it anyway. This plot really just yanks those Gryffindor qualities right out of Neville; it was pretty perfect.

The only issue I had as a reader was within my own head. As I was reading the classroom scene, I kept thinking back to Neville's absolute terror of Snape in the Potions classroom. Perhaps this is just my own personal problem, but I would have loved some insight into the thoughts going through Neville's head about Carrow/this situation. How has he gone from quivering, timid boy to brave, determined man? My question is not, "Where and when did that happen?" (clearly, it happened right here in this one-shot), but more so, "How?" I could formulate my own answer--obviously 6th year Potions with a hated Snape is very different from a classroom with Carrow for a thousand reasons, but I'd love to see your interpretation of what catalyst caused Neville to grow in such a dramatic way.

Anyway, this was a wonderful submission. The plot was exactly planned to, as I said earlier, yank the Gryffindor qualities out of Neville, and I very much enjoyed your interpretation of his character. :) Without further ado, write on!