Hermione gets the cat, the flat, the food, and the furniture. Ron gets the family and friends.
Harry gets the boot, his little book, the blame, and the shame. Ginny gets a new bloke and a haircut.
'The One' is an insidious myth, and 'Meant To Be' smacks of a hope to which no one has a right.
It's a shame the two of them bought into it for so long.
And it's too bad old habits are so hard to break.
I actually read through all (5) chapter before going back and creating an account.
Damn - reviewing isn't easy - I deleted 20+ beginnings already.
Let me begin like this - I like your story. But I love your style. Details. They make your world become so alive around me.
The opening lines are propably one of the best I have read in any FF thus far.
The way you play with the frame of time is really good. A sentence can cover Months or bare seconds.
As some points of criticism I'd like to point out that for a first time reader not clear what character the focus is on at that point in time and that some (I do xD) might have a bit of a differing Impression of the characters (Hermione is a little bit to insecure/touchy in my humble opinion).
What was I thinking after that chapter?
-Need to keep going
-This was Hermione, right?
-What?
(regarding "By the time I get to Harry’s, I need to be unbreakable and numb. I want to be frozen hard, inside and out, before I even raise a knuckle to knock on the door. ")
Author's Response: Hiya, celphy.
First- Thank you. I thank you for being adventurous enough to read on past ch. 1. Because it is vague, I know, but that's the way the O structure works. It begins at the crisis point then goes back to the beginning. Lots of readers give up, here. You're a trooper.
Second- you're right. Hermione is a bit... off. But there's a reason for it which will come up later. All in due time.
Third- I'm pleased you noticed the first sentences :-) They're a bit of an obsession of mine. Every thing else unspools from that first string of words, so they better be good.
Thanks so much for reading!
~S~
I think I like this chapter the best thus far. It feels real - the motivations and actions match my expectations of the characters in that situation.
Whats really neat is how you avoid naming explicit actions - but merely describe the outcome. Drafting the outcome into my mind leaving it for me to guess what happened beforehand.
"I hear the tinny clang, the puff of displaced air as it seals shut. There is a moment of nothing, then the metal on metal grate of the chain latch, the grind of the guts of the door-knob." Apart from this tiny repetition at the end (of the) this is so perfect.
I'd like Harry to become even more of a split-personality. What he's been through would reason a mental illness.
Author's Response:
Part of what I like about first person POV is the way it can focus the experience of the reader. Presenting only sensory details, the passage becomes(hopefully) as much about what he is doing in the moment (listening to the noises of her leaving, interpreting each sound), as what he's *not* doing (stopping her before she walks out the door).
And Harry... while he will definitely have certain neuroses, I'd rather leave full-blown psychosis alone. I don't think I want to go quite *that* dark :-)
This would be my least favourite chapter for a number of reasons:
Ron doesn't give a shit? He's supposed to care more. They are best friends.
Harry wouldn't tell Hermione he's lonely in that kind of way. He's not the one to burry others beneath his own pain. But maybe thats the broken Harry. You might have your reasons here :).
Hermione would confront Ron about him being angry.
I think you did a good job on the drunken-Harry part. Although he propably would be a bit more ashamed of himself. Atleast on that level of awareness xD.
Author's Response:
Okay, celphy. I love questions and discussion. Let's discuss...
A) "Ron doesn't give a shit?"
I'm not 100% sure about the subject of this question, but Ron does seem to very much give a s*** about something, just Harry's obviously already healed toe ain't it.
B) "Harry wouldn't tell Hermione he's lonely in that kind of way."
She's trying to diffuse her own apprehension with humor, and he makes a self-deprecating joke back. Drunken lips let loose things sober ones don't, but, really, by this point in the evening, he's not dropping anything on her she doesn't already know.
C) "Hermione would confront Ron..."
How do you know she didn't? ;-) She hasn't *said* so, yet, but this doesn't mean it didn't happen.
D) "...he would probably be a bit more ashamed..."
Yes. The shame comes in the morning.
Thanks for your thoughts, here, celphy. :-)
Benoit is a double-edged sword. You introduced him well. He greets the reader not as some slimeball but as a classy Playboy. The more we get to know about him the more this impressions shifts. If this is intentionally it is well done. I propably would have outlined him a bit more. He's a bit one-dimensional at that point.
Author's Response:
The thing about Benoit is, as a reader, you must consider the source. How reliable of a narrator is Harry when it comes to this particular person? Maybe his perceptions are, let's say, skewed.
At any rate, I've only just begun with Benoit. Many things in store...
Thanks for the comment!
Details. Amazing.
I feel like Hermione would have been more of a person to storm off. Anyways.
The part with the "poor sinner" is very well written. Although I would be a bit disappointed if there wasn't a more sublimal message than the obvious one.
Conclusion:
I'm mere weeks away from my final exams and all I want is to continue reading :D. If you release more chapters you're propably responsible for my failure. If you don't you're responsible for my cravings and bad mood.
What a situation to be in, right :D?
Author's Response:
Re: Hermione storming off... I'll just say there are reasons it played out this way. Again, all in due time. :D
It's good that I shan't be responsible for your failure. But it's bad to have to wait for next. I will try to update considerably faster than I did last time, though.
I've really enjoyed all your comments, celphy! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review.