Excellent job, you really captured the nature of a sonnet as well as still portaying an image, and feeling. This really was very well written, the verse flowed smoothly and the rhyme was belivable. Your word choice is excellent. I love the line, "Await the dawn for madness to be sane." The only think I might consider working on is a couple places where your thoughts seem fuzzy, for example, "moon at full last through night". Perhaps the word order here merely was switched around, but the line doesn't read as well as the rest of them. Grammatically (even for a poet) it doesn't make sense. Overall- Bravo!
Excellent job, you really captured the nature of a sonnet as well as still portaying an image, and feeling. This really was very well written, the verse flowed smoothly and the rhyme was belivable. Your word choice is excellent. I love the line, "Await the dawn for madness to be sane."
The only think I might consider working on is a couple places where your thoughts seem fuzzy, for example, "moon at full last through night". Perhaps the word order here merely was switched around, but the line doesn't read as well as the rest of them. Grammatically (even for a poet) it doesn't make sense.
Overall- Bravo!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I've looked at that line (moon at full...) and you're right. It seems to be missing something, so I'll try and work on making it make sense. I've always had trouble getting my point across clearly- either I hit something right on or can't get the right words to flow. Anywho... that's just me rambling. Thanks again for the review!
Brilliant, Rob, simply brilliant.
The beginng with Mrs Weasley telling the story to a friend was interesting, however I think that the flow of the story would have been better if it could have ended with her finishing the story as well, or if you had worked it in more as an event than as a piece of the framework of the story.
The idea behind Ron and his Quidditch obsession is wonderful, you shamelessly exploit this in him, but still keeping him in character. One small nitpick here- if magic is used in a wizards house are they able to tell who did it? I thought not which was the trouble with Dobby and the pudding. So wouldn't only his parents (and not the ministry) know to punish him? Just something to think about.
The wishing water was a ingenious idea, Iiked the irony of Fred and George's products being used against them. If they created the product, would they know a way out? However, it seemed pretty ironclad the way you wrote it so I guess I answered my own question.
I love all the digs about Hermione and how Ron seems to be confusing her with the Canons. It certainly shows why she would lend her dress robes to the effort. Bravo Hermione.
I love the ending when Ron wakes up. You really made me feel bad for him, poor boy. It was witty and funny and altogether Fred and George. An excellent job!
Keep writing, I can't wait to see what you do next.
Author's Response: Goodness, thanks a ton! I absolutely love your idea of a continuation of Mrs. Weasley\'s conversation, the thought never even struck my mind. Sprinkle it in here and there, or just at the start and finish. Either way I think it\'s a genious idea. Also, you\'re right, the ministry can\'t tell who did the magic. You caught me! Thanks for pointing it out. As for Fred and George, I don\'t think they want anyone to figure out a \"way out\" of their products accidentally. It is possible though, and definitely something I never thought about. Anywho, thanks a lot! You were a huge help.
Good job, I never would have thought to write a story from the campsite owner's perspective. I like the detail into the girls family life, however, I would have liked to see her relationship with her brothers developed a bit more. Also, at one point you mention that one of the wizards winks at her, yet the next line says how no one ever notices her. This just seemed to be a little contradictory, particularly since the one follows the other. Good job overall, I enjoyed this story.
Author's Response: Thanks, Kristin. o.O. You're right! I have to modify that, I guess. ~bL
You have done a phenomenal job with this story. The writing is lyrical and the imagry a beautiful and timeless melencholy. I really cannot express how much I enjoyed this piece.
I liked the way you described the mauraders briefly as a quartet with Lily binding them together, and I almost wanted more of that. Were they a musical quartet? Tell us how Sirius fingers danced on the viola, or James's strong rythem underlay his cello. And I wanted to know more about Lily, their flower. Was she the aria that bound them together?
You kept the ending of this piece very pensive and touching. In a way I'm glad that Hermione missed Remus. You build such a powerful story that making everything turn out allright in the end by sticking on a bright pink bandage just wouldn't have fit with life as it is or the story you are trying to tell. My favorite line was "Her little cup of happiness was full, and for once she felt at home in the vista stretching radiantly before her. " It is just the right note of optimism.
Have you considered re-writing this somewhat and trying to submit it for publication as a short story? I think you would have a shot...
Anyway, brava again!
Author's Response: My dear fellow \'Puff, thank you immensely!! I\'m kind of mortified to have inadvertently made you read the whole shebang instead of a chapter, but very gratified that you did!
You\'re the first person to mention the quartet - I\'m so glad you liked that! As you guessed, they were a musical quartet and Lily was their song; it seems to fit for them in this realm. =) If I do get around to a revision, I\'d love nothing more than to linger on that. =) I\'m also glad you liked the \"bittersweet\" ending; I\'ve thought of making it happier somehow, but it\'s that storytelling toss-up between pink bandages and words of consolation... I\'m sure you know the feeling!
Thanks! I\'ve never really considered it, I guess because it\'s so tied to HP in my head; but it\'s certainly the closest thing to a short story I\'ve ever done, and it\'d give me interesting perspective.
Anyway, thanks again and see you around! =)
Very well done. Your writting style is extrodinary. However, there were one or two small details you might wish to consider. I understand that this is meant to be a historical fiction, as opposed to an AU type of world, and as such there were a couple of facts that bothered me. Octavian was not with Caeser at the time of his assasination, instead he was up north at school, and was very cautious in his return to Rome, not sure of what his reception might be. Also, Cassius and Brutus were not beheaded for treason, instead they were granted amnesty and escaped to the East where they became rulers and very rich men until war broke out with Antony and they committed suicide. Other than that, your story was wonderfully told. Keep writing, I'd really love to see more.
But they were wrong.
This is very well done, you really have captured the spirit of Neville, rather than just showing him as a stereotype. Bravo.
A few nitpicks- You should go look back over the tenses, in some places it gets a little vauge as to what has happened when. Also, it seems like these two lines are in contridiction, "Maybe if he didn’t get to hurt her the first time he fought her, she wouldn’t have killed his parents." and "Not that he did feel her blood, but he had destroyed her in a gruesome way: the same way she had almost killed his parents.", or maybe it is just me and the way I read it.
You do an excellent job in presenting the way Neville is trying to reclaim his humanity, I particularly like the part where you say, " And reincarnate into the old Neville.", because I believe the old Neville was not the worthless boy many people thought. Besides, you do well at showing the (Griffendor) courage it takes to go back and face the past after a mistake.
This was truely a joy to read.
Author's Response: Thanks you! I guess I should\'ve been more specific on those two lines... they were referring to two events that happened, that were almost the same thing. Thanks for the review!
Anna, this is great. You took my suggestion from skel-grow and fleshed it out into this beautiful story (even better than I imagined). I like the way you have the two conflicting personalities of Mr. Vickett and Mr. Maggs. It shows that unspeakables are not all the same mindless and mysterious clones- good job. My only concern is that Mr. Maggs is a little too negative to Teagan. I can see him wanting to intimidate her, but when they are depending on her good review, his outright rudeness seems a bit out of place. He should woo her, not insult her. On another note, the early Daily Prophet clippings give a wonderful introduction to the piece. It shows without telling, and is a creative beginning and tie in. I particularly like the confidentiality of the negative quotes- it shows how people are still just a little afraid of the DoM. Your description of the planet room is beautiful, the scene is well played, designed to awe and impress. The brain room is well done, but the dialogue seems a bit forced on occassion. It might run more smoothly if you intersperced your description of the room and Teagan's reactions to it in with the monologue that Mr. Vickett is giving, rather than leaving them as two seperate entities. However, I love the scene in the Death room, that is easily my favorite of them all. It is descriptive, poignent, and convincing- bravo. The word choice made me feel like I was there. The time room was described well, but I wanted a little dialogue, something to break up the endless description, even Teagan voicing her thoughts out loud. Again, the entire story was well written, you obviously did your research. Well done.
Author's Response: *huggles*
Thank you for your lovely comments and nitpicks. Especially the nitpicks. It\'ll help me as I write more stories. I knew something wasn\'t quite right in the Time Room - thank you for pointing out exactly what you didn\'t like. I\'ll see what I can do with it.
Infinite thanks and squees and hugs. Without you, I don\'t know where this would be!
Wow, Anna. Great Job! You really capture the bleak depression well and use excellent imagry throughout the piece.
"She stares out the window at the rain spilling down it, the drops gliding smoothly off the glass. She stares at the gray clouds obscuring the usually blue sky, how they reform and move across the heavens. She stares at all this yet does not see it. She gazes at all the details that the storm creates, but she does not make out anything."
This is a great opening paragraph. It sets up the feeling of the piece, and your use of the present tense makes it feel like it is happening before our eyes. My only nitpick here is that you repeat, "she stares" as sentance beginnings but then switch to "she gazes" for the last. The repetition gives a nice emphasis to the piece, but the last one would sound better if you made it "she stares" or started it with a completely different beginning. As it reads now, it just sounds slightly jarring to the ear, like you forgot what you had just written. You do this several times in the piece, and it works better if it looks intentinal.
"Sometimes they make That Face. The eyebrows rise and their eyes soften while they tilt their head to one side. She moves away because she doesn't want to see That Face anymore."
I love this image. The use of "That Face" really puts a picture in the readers mind as well as giving more of a life to the story. It really shows how out of it Ginny is and how much she is turning her back on the world.
I also like the contradiction of Ginny disliking the sunset. I personally found this to be pretty analogous with the common view of the sunset as a metaphor for death, and it fits nicely. Harry was Ginny's sun, and this nicely emphasises it without having to come out and state the fact.
"She will forever stare out that window, looking at the sun and searching for him, hoping he will return and tell her it's all right again. She has nothing else to do."
The last paragraph here is excellent. It really touched me, particularly the last line which slammed home the point that Ginny has given up her life.
You are a really talanted writer, Anna, and I loved reading this piece. Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank you so much Kristin! This review really made my day, dear. I have to admit that I was having trouble with the first paragraph, as I didn\'t want to repeat \'she stares\' again because it would have seemed too repetetive. I\'ll see what I can do about it.
Again, thank you so much for this lovely review! *huggles*
This was a really interesting and well written story. I very much liked the way you encorperated the variety of songs an lyrics into the main body of the fiction, it really drew it together and made it more historically believable. You also do a very good job in keeping the nature of the Roaring Twenties both in clothing and the visible cultural differences between the generations. The Mother's shock at the drink "between the sheets," really helped to drive home the way boundries were being pushed at that time after the far more prudish victorian era.
I do have a few nitpicks that seem slightly out of place. The first is your reference to John Weasley acting as a "guide dog" to his mother. I believe this phrase is rather anachonisic in the situation. Also, there is a point at which the mother uses the line, "Aww, I need to use the ladies room." With her prudish nature as well as conservative upbringing, she would be much more discrete about such a line. Also, I'm not sure that ladies' room would be the phrase at the time, I believe that is a more modern euphimism, but I'm not sure. You would have to look that up.
Overall, however, you have written a brilliant piece. The character's are believable and I really like the inclusion of Trelawny and her predicitons for Jonh and what would later be Arthur. I wish we could have seen a bit more Charles as he was often overshadowed by John, but for fitting it all into a one shot this was really well done.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
You have the beginning of a really good story here. Your eye for detail is thorough and you use lovely phrases with eloquent word choice, such as "spear-like rays of the sun which penetrate his body."
However, I must admit that I wanted more as well. You tend to tell us what happened, and I think if you expanded it out a bit more to show we would get an even better sense of your story. You write, "Many wizards, witches and Aurors were among those who were present to help Harry win the battle. She and Ron were fighting a few Death Eaters while Harry was dueling with Voldemort. At one point when Voldemort used the killing curse, Harry managed to dodge and the curse which was supposed to hit him in the chest hit him on the hand. It had only prolonged the time it took for the curse to kill Harry." Instead, start this passage with one of your descriptions. The smell of the battle rising in Hermione's nose, the screams ringing in her ears. The jet of green light passing so slowly yet in a heartbeat reaching Harry. Let us be there and live it. Then those pieces which flash back will fit in better with the vibrant life in the rest of the story.
Also, at times during this piece you jump from heady emotion to heady emotion. Perhaps it would help to instead build slowly, less emphasis in the beginning on the passion rising between Hermione and Ron and instead let it blossom for the reader with her last few words to him. They seem slightly overshadowed at the moment and it would make them even more haunting and poignent.
I love the idea behind this piece, and think you did an admirable job in catching it and setting it on paper. Well done.
Author's Response: Thank you for the constructive criticism. After you pointed that I jump from one heady emotion to another, only then I realized that I did. I\'ll watch for all these and keep them in mind when I write the next story. Thanks again for the wonderful review.
This is a really interesting poem, I like the way you use the repetition to create a rythem for the piece. I like the first two lines since they set the mood for the piece. Interestingly enough, you also use an iambic scheme which follows in all the hundreth time lines. I think this poem could be even better if you could manipulate the seconds lines to follow- quite a few already do.
It must be the hundredth time
The tears cannot stop falling.
Perhaps this can become "The tears can't stop their fall" or "The tears can't cease their fall."
It must be the hundredth time
All warmth begins to chill me.
This last line seems a little awkward to me. Why is warmth chilling? Is there no warmth? Perhaps slightly less contradictory terms would help?
It must be the hundredth time
My heart had cried out in pain.
I love this line- I'd just omit the word had, I think it disrupts the flow.
It must be the hundredth time
That inside I crumble like a cookie.
I like that you are trying to use a creative metaphor, but with the seriousness of what you are writing about, and with the prior word choice I just feel like the word cookie really is out of place. If you want something else that falls down try something like a cardhouse or a sandcastle. Cookie just reminds me of a six year old and I don't think this needs a word with that kind of baggage.
It must be the hundredth time
That it’s felt like the hundredth time.
This is absolulty brilliant. It makes the poem. I love, love, love this as the last line and conclusion.
You really did an excellent job on this, and it shows!
Author's Response: Thank you very much for this excellent review! I really think that this will improve my other poetry as well! Your critique was very good, I think I\'m going to use some of your suggestions!
This is a really interesting story, I like your take on the afterworld being based in each person's thoughts and perceptions. However, because of this, particularly in the first chapter, I really found myself craving more description of the room. What was the floor made of? What colors were the pictures? Was there any noise when the glasses clinked or shoes scuffed? Were there smells and textures? Throughout the story, try to use more of a show, don't tell theory and it will keep the pace moving along much better and will cut down on the need for such heavy explinations of everything.
You do a really good job of having James and Lily calm down Sirius. Both of them seem in character, particularly James. I was a little worried about Sirius's continual screaming since he is usually the cool and collected one, although I also understand that this situation might make anyone a little hysterical.
I really love this second chapter, particularly the interaction of Sirius and Regulus. You show them to be brothers above all else, and you also show the importance of family which seems to be predominantly linked with all the ideas of blood and purity. Even Sirius shows a bit of "blood being thicker than water." I like the way you have Regulus slowly revealing not only his concern for his brother, but thier father's concern as well. It is nicely introduced into the conversation so that it does not feel awkward.
You do leave us with a wonderful (terrible) cliff-hanger with bringing back the father, I can't wait to see what the next chapter brings. Creating new worlds based on new theories is hard to do, but you definately have a solid beginning set for the reader. Good luck in the future!
~coppercurls
Author's Response: Thank you for the great review.
I understand what you mean about describing more things about the room. I\'m not really too great at writing discriptions to a full extent. I don\'t know. It\'s just one of my weaknesses.
In later chapters I will try to do this better, and if I can\'t think of anything, I\'m sure my wonderful beta would have some ideas.
I\'m in the process of writing the third chapter, so I should be sending it to my beta hopefully by the end of the week. :)
I\'m glad you enjoyed it, though, and thank you for your suggestions. I really will try to use more discription. =)
This is a really well done piece, bravo! I like the way you have managed to keep the humor subtle and the characters in character which is often rare in some humor fics.
The parallels between Ron and Arthur Weasley are nicely done, I like the idea of Ron both being like his father but still keeping a unique identity- you've aged him well. Hermione is also brilliantly written. I'm glad to see that she has lost none of her wit.
The understatement of what could be truly outragous scenes (the flying car for example) makes these even funnier. It feels like a surprise because it is told in such an every day way. It also makes me wonder what life at the Weasley/Grangers is like on a day to day basis.
Excellent, excellent work! I hope to read more of your fics in the future.