Severus is one of my favorite characters, so I was naturally drawn toward your poem. It's interesting that you've written it from the perspective of an elderly woman, and I think it was a good choice because it's believable that a curious old person would notice and remember so much detail. I wish the poem had revealed a little more about her, but you did an excellent job of working bits about her life into the poem in a natural way, when she thought about the boy staying longer by the river, when she had no particular place to be, and the little girl reminding her of her girls.

Telling a story is the only "rule" of narrative poetry, but just for fun I looked for other elements. There's repetition of words, colors especially, and phrases like "big, old books" that help the poem flow, and a varying but definite rhythm throughout. 

Although the repeated use of the color green helped with the flow of the poem, you used a lot of other colors that, as well as creating simple instead of vivid images, highlighted that poem relies primarily on sight. Even the glee illuminated the area. Severus' voice being spiteful is the only nuanced description of sound, and there are no smells or textures which could have set the scene at a specific instead of generic riverbank. The poem is based on an old woman’s observance of Severus, so the lack of other sense impressions isn’t a big detraction; it’s just something you might want to keep in mind for future poems.

Thank you for sharing this one. :)

I really enjoyed your take on that prompt. It’s easy to understand Mary’s intense self-consciousness and pain over her perceived flaws and unrequited feelings.  In the beginning I was tempted to argue that if Mary’s fat was hanging off her face she would have more than a “hint” of a double chin, but on second read the passage struck me as an illustration of body dysmorphic disorder, and there seem to be hints of it throughout the story and especially the way she describes herself at the end. She blames Sirius’ annoyance at having to move to make room on her bum when not even a skinny girl would squeeze into a small space without him having to slide over.  

Her fixation on her pimple, while good for plot points, heh, made me wonder if she had no wizard anti-zit cream or concealer that worked better than a charm, or if it was dysmorphic syndrome rearing its ugly head (pun intended) again.

You did a brilliant job at conveying the intensity of Mary’s crush on James. The physical reactions are something every girl can remember experiencing. She does come across as creepy sometimes, so it was good that you had her acknowledge that in her thoughts.

In the fourth paragraph, I think “wreaking”  should be reeking, exuding like a smell, not expressing malice or inflicting punishment. While you can wrack or rack your brain thinking about something like proper word choice, wreak and reek aren’t interchangeable in the same way.

Overall, while I felt sorry for Mary, your story left me with a foreboding about what would happen—in a pleasant way.  I couldn’t help speculating that after they leave Hogwarts Mary kidnaps James and ties him to the bed in a remote cabin like the guy in the Stephen King film Misery. Lily will save him, of course, but before she does Mary is definitely going to break his ankles with a sledgehammer. :D

Hi Meg! Author notes can add a lot to a chapter or poem, so I second Gina's idea for you to talk about what inspired you if you need words to reach the minimum required. If you don't feel an idea's particulary inspirational to share, why not  talk about the vision you had in your mind when you were writing instead? I'd love to read it.

The use of "blemishes" is intriguing. Is it white marks contrasting with the Dark mark? 

As much as I liked your poem's abstract quality which left it to the reader's imagination to create mental images, it left me wondering what you saw. Colors have so many different shades that convey different emotions, which is an aspect the poem lacks. It reminds me of a film sequence where you see something happening, or a flashback, and it's all sight without sound or emotional reaction. 

It isn't that I appreciate the visual emphasis less, it's just an observation, part of what I hope you'll consider "a lovely long review".

Paige :) 

I like the idea of werewolves out to finish the job Greyback started with Bill and Dominique caught in the crossfire.  If you have her living a Remus-type existence at Hogwarts, hiding her condition from people, escorted to the shack, I think there's a lot of potential for angst and drama, both in her family and personal relationships. 

I'm not sure if that's why the werewolves were there on the beach, though, because that wasn't explained. If you'd opened the story with Dominique going to the cliff even though her parents have forbidden it because she doesn't believe Dark werewolves who want to hurt her dad can find them there, that would have raised a story question and explained why the werewolves happened to be on a beach in Cornwall. Grimmauld is referred to as the safe house, which implies the family was aware of danger.

It felt like a lot of time passed from the moment Dominique ran back to the cottage to when the children Flooed to Grimmauld Place. The cottage is small enough where it would have been believable for family members in different rooms to hear the door slam and come in to find out why. 

The action scene had a great pace and sense of dawning horror as Dominique paid the price for returning to Shell Cottage. I'm not sure I believe a ten year old has seen or read enough to have "horrible visions of what was to come," but the knowledge that her life has changed making it feel like a nightmare felt spot-on, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. 

Hi, Nadia, I like your premise very much. When I read “based on a true story” I thought you meant a true wizard story, and that was interesting claim, but based on a Muggle story is intriguing, too. The Prologue introduces the goblin conspirators and gives just enough information to make me want to read the next chapter to see what happens. That was well done.  In the end notes of chapter one, you say that you know the chapter is a bit overdramatic, but the story hasn’t properly started yet, and I have to disagree. Readers know that wizards will attend a conference with goblins under the false belief that goblins want to “get on good terms with them” and be in peril. That is a proper start. The melodrama comes from the descriptions.

Although the pov is third person omniscient, the goblins are described in ways that show narrator bias and make them stereotypical bad guys. Bordock “narrowed his eyes, distorting his already-grotesque face even more.” And soon afterward, “the ugly face of a large, brawny goblin came into view.” If you cut out “the ugly face of” out, the description in the following sentence would show his face and let the reader decide if it’s ugly.

and soon a large, brawny goblin came into view. The flickering light of the flames threw relief to the deep cuts scarring his face. His small eyes were bloodshot.

In the last paragraph of chapter one, if you cut the sentence about Bordock’s laugh sending a chill down someone’s spine, you’d keep the drama without veering into melodrama:

Bordock threw his head backwards and laughed loudly. His laugh reverberated off the walls of the chamber. Argunk and Gorbuk joined in with him, and together the three goblins celebrated at the doom that was about to befall.

The element I found missing, that kept a proper start from being a spectacular start, was motivation. The goblins look forward to their “long-awaited freedom,” but what does that mean? How do they feel oppressed? If you’d shown that, woven it into the dialogue that happens before Gorbuk arrives, or even when Bordock starts roaring about the victory to come, I think it would have given depth to the story. The Bangladesh Rifles had specific reasons for revolting against their officers. Reasons aren’t excuse, but they do allow understanding and complexity when it comes to stories.

Chapter two struck me as a nice series of calm before the storm moments that gave background information and set up the time of the revolt with the family Quidditch match on Thursday.  Because of its switch in tone and pov from the prologue, consider using a line at the beginning like Shell Cottage, Cornwall and then a space to show the break and create a smoother transition.

My favorite line was Bill telling Fleur, “But after seeing you I feel much more… energetic.” It was spot on Bill Weasley to me. Him blushing at being caught kissing his wife, though, didn’t ring as true to my perception of the character, and it was hard to believe he’d forget a huge family dinner or mentally slap himself. His interaction with the girls, however,  struck me as very “dad” with Bill promising Dominique a garden to stop a quarrel and then pretending not to see them pout after he says it’s time for bed.

The end of chapter two was sweet. I just wish it had been less so: that Fleur, instead of acting wifely/motherly and kissing Bill “once” and saying, “Let’s go to sleep now. You’ve got work tomorrow. Ze senior curse breaker does not want to be late, does ‘e?” took off her negligee and asked, “Are you still feeling energetic?” I smile to think of the grin on Bill’s face as he strips off his pyjama top and answers, “Mais oui!”

Sybill didn't care how the device operated, she just wanted it to work.

That's my favorite line. It's very Sybill. :D

Gosh, it's been forever since I've been on MNFF. I kept getting "this site may harm your computer messages" that made me leery of signing on. I guess they had to update security certificates or something, but whatever, I'm glad I'm no longer getting dire messages, and I'm able to review.

Heh heh on submitting without changes. I think it was their turn apostrophes to question marks glitch that did it before.

Take care. :)

Author's Response: Thank you for the review. I've had problems getting in and out of this website so I've been slow to post and slow to respond. I've also been slow in general so maybe it's just me:D All I know is that something did harm my computer and now it's been about 10 days and I haven't been able to take it in to have it fixed yet. That's one of the disadvantages of living in the middle of nowhere. That line that you like may describe Sybill very well but it also describes me. A lot of times I don't want a song and dance about how something works--I just want it to work. I guess I'd better get going on another chapter in this story. See you next time.

Hi Russia! I was looking for a mystery to read and found yours. The title intrigued me. Is there really such a thing as a perfect alibi?

There’s a spacing issue at the beginning, your author notes are jammed against the first sentence, but I thought your opening was well done. You gave enough information to draw me into the story while heightening the mystery. Your opening read like a prologue, and third person omniscient point of view created an effective narrator tone.  I wanted to know why the thief wasn’t done yet, what the thefts were practice for.

The use of third person omniscient pov in the main body of the story, though, wasn’t as effective to me. It created an impression of observing the characters. I felt like I was being told about them instead of experiencing the story with them. If these were canon characters, I think the style might have worked better.  Nina and Cleo are original characters. I’m not instantly invested in their story. I wanted to learn about them the way I learn about new people in real life, bits at a time, getting to know their personalities so I’ll care about their school schedules and what their dorm mates look like.

When does the story take place? Their Transfiguration Professor is “Professor Ashfield,” but that could mean before McGonagall was professor as much as after.  All I know for sure is it is happening in October.

There seemed to be a long setup to the trip to the kitchen. I did find it puzzling that Cleo seems to be a binge eater and Nina doesn’t remark on it past, “How have we shared a room for five years without me noticing?”

At the end of the first chapter, after one of the men says in the morning they’ll notice the store room broken into and “I’m sure someone will notice that that great big suit of armour has gone.”  You have “Accidently accidentally” after the quotation marks. An accident?

The ending of chapter one was suspenseful. Would the men open the door and discover Cleo and Nina hiding? I liked that you didn’t just have the men be called away, that the girls hid in the cell beneath the grate and the room was searched before the men left.  I also found it very believable that the girls would go back to their common room, although I would have liked some explanation why. They didn’t think anyone would believe them and they’d get in trouble: something.

Nina and Cleo became more “real” to me in the second chapter. Nina finding the place to hide and dragging her friend along, and Cleo the type who got a boy to do her homework because she considers herself terrible at drawing. Cleo characterization is less appealing because she seems a stereotypical fat girl, someone who overeats, is lazy, and dislikes learning (places of learning make her “feel dirty”).  Cleo isn’t described as fat, so perhaps you were going for a Hermione and Ron type friendship/characterization?

I did very much enjoy the girls’ banter at the end of chapter two, when even though it’s not their business and they’ll probably get caught, they decide to go back and check out the storeroom anyway. It’s been months since the last chapter posted, and I don’t know when you’ll update again, but I hope you will, because want to find out who the thief is and how the girls’ story intersects with his (or hers).

Happy Halloween, and happy writing!

I don't know if poetry has a wide enough audience base for "plenty of feedback," but there's a Poetry Anyone group in the Beta forums you might be interested in, and I'm happy to read and give you my impressions. :)

Your poem brought to mind all the faces of students and teachers who weren't key players, perhaps, but fought and died for Hogwarts as much as those we mourned in the books. There's a simplicity in lines like "This is it, the night is black" that make me think the narrator is young, a student telling his family of what happened, or writing this poem of the Battle of Hogwarts  which was read by him or her to loved ones or at a memorial day service years later.

Certain clues throughout, though, "invisible and unseen" and hope being fragile but "not but a ghost" could just as easily slant the poem's viewpoint to the ghosts of Hogwarts. The "family we'll never see again" could refer to those who died in the battle and became new ghosts. 

The poem works on many levels, written by the living, the dead, or someone who was living and then died after writing the poem. 

At the beginning, you seem to establish the rhyme scheme ABCB with "black" and "back." Afterward, though, the poem shifts into free verse with only the lines ending with "unseen" and "keens" rhyming.

Free verse doesn't rely on rhyme or structure, yet I found a structure that created an effective rhythm with shorter, beginning lines leading to the longer, emotional ones midpoem and then falling back into the shorter pattern for the end. 

One line, "We cry silent tears and cry silent keens" is particularly striking, yet I think could have been more so if you hadn't repeated "cry." Keens are wailed and also sung. You could add layers of meaning if you used:

We cry silent tears and wail silent keens

or

We cry silent tears and sing silent keens

The second to last line, "Yet hope is hope" matches the simplicity of the beginning. It seems a bit pat, though. You might consider a different phrasing, something like:

Yet hope survives

And still we hope.

Thanks for sharing your poem. :)

We know so little about Quirrel; I was intrigued by the thought of him in a romance. I like the premise, a boy who stutters learning to excel at Defense Against Dark Arts to impress a girl. I found that part of the plot well established and very believable.

I would have liked to have read a conversation between Quirrel and Lester that showed why his "friend" decided to pursue a

relationship with the girl his dorm mate liked--a girl Lester described as having "nothing between her ears." You went directly from Violet accepting a flower from Quirrel and then asking about Lester to Quirrel collecting violets obsessively despite the fact that his dream girl and his friend had become a couple. It made for uneven pace.

Violet turning to Quirrel when his friend broke up with her was an interesting development. For someone characterized as shallow and self-centered by her actions and Lester's comments, she comes across as surprisingly introspective, saying that girls like her "go for what we know will make us unhappy because if everything works out perfectly, we feel like we haven’t challenged ourselves. We might try to rebound on boys like you, but we always go back to the boys like Lester, the ones who will hurt us and make us cry. Don’t ask why. It’s just what will always happen.”

At the end, I had a hard time believing if Violet could do it again she really would have given Quirrel "a violet every day" as she declares at the end when she inherits his scrapbooks filled with flowers.

When she's told he's dead, Violet thinks: "the shy little boy who always stuttered in class… the boy who had learned every aspect of Defense Against the Dark Arts to impress her… the boy who gave her a flower the exact shade of violet-blue as her eyes… the boy who…" This makes me think she knew his feelings but was callous about them when she wasn't using them for her own ends. I'm left with the impression that even his scrapbooks will be used by Violet--maybe to impress her friends with the obsessive devotion she inspired.

While Violet's characterization seemed unbalanced, Quirrel as a character seemed very real even though he wasn't described. His thoughts, actions, and dialogue did an excellent job of creating a mental image of a boy I felt sorry for even as I wanted to slap him and say, "Snap out of it!" :D

I wish the story had been entirely in his pov, but that's just me disliking Violet and thinking Quirrel could have done better. :D Thank you for sharing your story.

I finally saw the truth in why Bellatrix always told me that best friends were so annoying.

Cissy the obsessed is so amusing. I have to admit, I expected a much different tone from your summary, and this was a happy surprise. The actress Claire Danes was once in a tv show called My So Called Life with Jared Leto and the few episodes I saw in reruns had this same theme of daydreaming and fantasizing over a heart-stoppingly beautiful boy and I think it will always work as a plot and be instantly relatable, because it's true to life. A lot of girls have had that omg he's so gorgeous I'll just stand here and stare until my friends drag me away or he leaves and my brain can begin functioning again moment.

One thing I noticed was the use of "he" a lot in the first paragraphs. There's no suspense when it's a Narcissa/Lucius story and he's described the way he is with his long blond (blonde with an e is feminine) hair. Narcissa is so enraptured that I can't imagine her not saying, "I saw Lucius initiating firsties at the other end of the table" simply because thinking his name would provoke butterflies as much as watching his hair catch the light. It also grounds the story up front. This is the dream boy, and the narrator is the obsessed girl.

Violet and Letty are interesting foils to the MC. I like your hints that they are acting like her sisters with Letty's Hufflepuff boyfriend and Violet's hissing and giving sharp nudges. The dream was nice foreshadowing. Don't forget to make it happen. Readers will be looking for it. ;)

I think you missed an opportunity when Lucius found out Narcissa's name. He could have noted that she looks nothing like anyone else in her family. Vain as he is, he doesn't even give a second's admiring glance to her hair?

Reading on now.

Author's Response: Oh thanks about the blond/e thing - I've fixed that now. I agree, in hindsight, I definitely should've made more of the timetable scene. Thanks for reviewing :)