I enjoyed the poem, and its gradual shift from melancholy to resoluteness. I may be way off base, but this poem struck me as the thoughts Dumbledore had during that moment in DH when Harry views Snape's memories. The questions aren't ones I could ever see Dumbledore asking out loud, but silently, yes. They painted a portrait of a wistful old man who knows his end is near and is trying to reassure himself that his plans will be carried out.

You used "if" to begin lines fourteen times: once more than Kipling did in his poem If. When I read these lines:

If my plan goes awry,
If everything is in shambles,

I especially thought of Kipling's poem.

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

But that an "And" to start the line after 'if' would work well in your poem.

The imagery of stumbling over a knotted root in life's path was vivid and effective. The porcelain doll simile, though, seemed more stock than what a man of Dumbledore's years would use, and repetetive, as well, with "smashed" and "shattered" back to back. If the line was Like the remains of my sister's long-ago doll or something else personal I think it would have worked better.

The last line was Dumbledore's dry humor to a tee, and made me imagine the actor Richard Harris and his twinkling blue eyes. 

Thank you for sharing.

Arthur rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, and after a pause, walked off towards his friends, a wide grin on his face.

Arthur is so adorable in this story! You make the reader (at least this one) want to give him a squeezing hug and a big smooch on the cheek. His romantic dreamer personality is very well suited to love at first sight and admiring from afar. His declaration—while sounding a bit stalkerish—is sweet. :)

Molly’s characterization made me smile. It was very believable for her to be super “friendly” to a boy she likes, but doesn’t want to make the first move with. When she said in his ear, "Arthur! Are you listening to me?" it could have been a quote from one of the books. Very Molly!

Even though I think it’s believable Arthur mooned over Molly long before they became friends and then lovers, the beginning paragraphs didn’t convince me. They were a bit rambling and circular and even seemed to switch to second person with “You heard.” If you edited to make the first line Molly Prewett had everything I think the story would pull readers immediately into Arthur’s romantic woes and not require anyone to suspend disbelief about love at first sight.

The part where they’re walking in silence is understandable if they’re both wondering how to express their feelings. The part that takes away from it is when she stared back at him, completely bewildered as he grabbed her hands.

Molly tells Arthur she loves him a few paragraphs afterward, so her being bewildered strikes the wrong note. I think she’d be hoping madly that he had finally taken the hint that she liked him and was about to confess that he liked her.

I’ve done the same thing numerous times, :D, but while you can have the caretaker sneer, he can’t sneer dialogue. He can only say it.

I really enjoyed the ending, and I think it would make an even deeper impression if you didn’t use “perfect” several times earlier in the story. She was perfect. It would be the perfect opportunity. Molly was there, everything was perfect. It was perfect. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those sentences, it’s just that if you’d used other words (amazing, ideal, brilliant, incredible, for example), when the reader came to “Life was perfect” it would read as the height of sincerity, without any possible subconscious thought that “perfect” is one of Arthur’s favorite words.

That’s my inner editor’s opinion, but as a reader who loves Molly and Arthur, nothing can erase the grin from my face. I can almost hear Molly and Arthur singing “Tonight” from West Side Story.

Today, the world was
just an address,
A place for me to live in,
No better than all right.

But here you are,
And what was just a
world is a star
Tonight

Dialogue-only stories are a challenge I'd be leery of taking on, so I admire you for experimenting with fiction, and I think you did well answering the multi-layered story question: Do you regret it? I also think you wove setting into the dialogue with marvelous effectiveness. With specific, telling details, you gave the reader a mental image of Azkaban, the wall, bars, water dripping, humidity, and even the layout of the prison.

What I found lacking in the story was believable characterization and distinguishable voice. These are grown men, but they sound like schoolboys.

"You're mean, Rodolphus. I hate you."

"You're stupid, little brother."

Rodolphus’ words about Bellatrix seem petulant. "She would even lick his shoes if he asked for it  . . . I'm finished with her. She's betrayed me . . . She's dead to me."

“Sound” was the ultimate problem for me. When a story is limited to dialogue, it's like being in a dark room listening to a conversation. Each speaker's voice should be distinct. Here, they're brothers, but they read too much alike. Take out the names and a lot of times it would be hard to know who is speaking.

Here's a quote from a short story/scene from Tell You What I’m Gonna Do by a writer named Michael A. Kechula who won a 'Talk it out' writers' contest. In these opening lines, setting, plot, and two distinct characters are established entirely through dialogue.

“Hey, Kid, give it a try. Ten chances for a dollar. Toss a ping-pong ball in the basket. If it stays in, you win the best prizes on the Midway.”

“But your shelves are empty. Where are the prizes?”

“In your head.”

“Whadda ya mean?”

“If you win, you get whatever you want. Name it, and you got it. But you gotta tell me within one second after the ball settles in the basket.  If you take longer, you lose.”

“I bet if I win and say Mustang convertible, you’ll give me a little toy car.”

“No way. See all those trailers parked over there? They’re loaded with prizes. New cars. Designer clothes. Gold jewelry. Anything a teenager like you could ever want. You name it, I got it.”

 In Mr. Kechula’s story, the “kid” ends up trading his immortal soul for a Mustang, cheated by the ultimate barker. In yours, Rodolphus regrets marrying Bellatrix but doesn’t regret serving the Dark Lord. As I said before, I do think that was done well. “Rolph” isn’t just a yes-man. He’s more complex—and sympathetic—than his wife.

I enjoyed the imagery in this chapter, the family standing in a huddle, Harry waking to moonlight and seeing Ginny's silhouette, Hermione and Ginny standing side by side, watching Harry fade into the distance. You portray with stirring vividness the almost smothering love his friends have for Harry, and his reaction to everything that happens seems very in character. You make it easy to picture him taking a walk and following the impulse to keep on walking.

That's why the first four sections, everything before "Four Months Ago" is so baffling. It's like watching a film where the screen is black and you only hear dialogue. It’s hard to imagine what's happening and I can't always figure out who's talking. Overall, I have only a vague clue what's going on, and frankly, I think it cripples the story. 

Prologue or not, this is your first chapter. As a writer, I believe you want to hook readers and entice them to come back and read the second chapter when it posts, not confuse them to the point where they wonder if it's worth the bother. 

Using the spy novel/film convention of putting the location at the top of each brief conversation to let readers know where they're taking place would help. I think more revising than that is needed, however. Only in the Rosmerta/Minister dialogue is time mentioned, but without a frame of reference it's meaningless. Even after reading through the entire chapter and then re-reading the beginning, I'm left wondering where the first bit of dialogue is taking place, if one or two people beside Ron are conversing in the second scene, and whether it's Ron, George, or someone else threatening Malfoy in the last bit of dialogue. You could give a little description of people, place, or atmosphere; clarify who says what without losing the air of mystery. Like this:

Portkey Office, American Ministry of Magic. Three months after the Battle of Hogwarts.

"Miss . . . Granger, was it?" the official said, shuffling his paperwork.

"Yes."

"And what department did you say you were from?"

Hermione wasn’t impressed with the man’s too-busy-to-remember act. She placed her card on his desk. "Mr Tufnick, I don't like to repeat myself. If you ever see this man, you contact me at this number."

"What makes you think I'll see 'em?"

"If' is the operative word, Mr Tufnick. Good day."

+++++

That’s just an example. Any place, any time, any scenario would work.

At the end, the last line, As they watched him fade into the distance, they had no idea it was the last time they'd be seeing him, is repeating what you earlier told readers through Rosmerta’s conversation with the Minister. If you wrote a short dialogue exchange between Ginny and Hermione instead, you could show they’re worried about him and fear he might not come back without pulling the “they had no idea” narrator intrusion.

There's so much potential in this story I can’t help wanting it to be realized. I hope that makes your heart grow three sizes, although I fear the concrit might make your writer shoes feel two sizes too small.   

If humans had any idea what the color red did to a vampire, they would eradicate it from their lives, from the very face of the earth.

That’s a great opening line, mysterious and dramatic, but it isn’t connected to the rest of the story. It reads like a narrator statement, and then the viewpoint changes to William’s. If you switch the second sentence around, and place it directly after the first, it would draw the reader in and introduce character all at once. Like this:

If humans had any idea what the color red did to a vampire, they would eradicate it from their lives, from the very face of the earth. William let out a sigh, though he didn’t need to breathe.

 I enjoyed the thought that the vampire at the Christmas party only looked bored, and that anticipation heightens the pleasure of blood as much as it does other things. “Sanguini” being is his “annoying alias” made me grin. I agree the irony of the name is eye-rolling. For some reason (probably because the scene was told from Harry’s viewpoint) I imagined Sanguini was middle-aged and unattractive, so I liked your forever nineteen, sunken-yet-sexy portrayal much more.

Sometimes vampire romance is corny in the extreme, filled with purple prose, but yours isn’t, it’s feels genuine, although the courting phase of their relationship lasts only two days (that did jolt me. I’d hoped it would be longer, two months, at least). Yes, he’s prolonging the “delicious torture” to get the biggest bang for his bite, but you convey that Daphne isn’t just another score from the first impression: intriguing. William’s pleasantly surprised that she quickly snaps out of her ‘gee, you’re hot’ daze. The sound of her laughter pierces him (in a good way, I’m assuming, heh). He hates not being able to come up with a “definitive” answer to why he chose her. It’s well done, the way you portray him seducing in his prey with well-orchestrated vampire moves while seeming to develop true feelings for her at the same time. It made me wonder if the earlier “becoming one of his favorites” line meant he has a harem of brides like Dracula. I hope not. I’m too romantic. I want Daphne (who comes across as a formerly levelheaded turned impetuous teen girl) to be the only girl he wants to spend eternity with. :D

I do think “almost a minute” is a very long time to be pressing your lips to a love interest’s neck unless you’re licking and sucking and purposely giving a love-bite. In your story it detracts from the mental image of her quivering, him “reveling in her subtle terror” and turns the moment comic. I’d consider cutting that clause and just having “He drew his lips away.”

When it comes to concrit, there’s a dialogue formatting error—She nodded, "I read the book.”—should have a period after nodded, you overused the word “though” (I “search this document” in my own work to avoid repetition so I notice things like that) and you switched tenses with “He can imagine her panic.”

All in all, however (yes, I deliberately chose a substitute for “though”) I found the story and its ending delightful, as was your use of romantic imagery with the snow and trees.

Sanguine is a nice nod to Jo’s play on words, but I don’t think it suits your story half as well as what William told Daphne she was playing.

Dangerous Game

Where the green blends with soft yellow, you kick your sandals off and leave them there to wait.

Imagery is definitely one of your strengths. The line I quoted was my favorite, but I think all your descriptions of the beach were vivid and embued with emotion, so much it was as if the beach itself was a character, or a Greek chorus. :) It works beautifully as a setting, and, along with the ocean, a counterpoint for Cho's turbulent emotions.

I don't like Cho as a character, usually, but you made me sympathize with her to the point where I wished you hadn't described her running nose, heh. At the end, the hope that he'd been there in spirit was incredibly poignant. Everyone who's lost someone shares that same wistful hope.

I noticed that you used the second paragraph in the summary, and I think it works there very well...but not as well in the story. It's repetitive, yet not in a poetic, stressed words/deeper meaning kind of way. If it was cut, I think the beginning would have more dramatic impact and better hook the reader.

Dead.


Wishing it were you does nothing. At the end of the day, nothing will change. Still, though, you yearn for it to be you who’s dead, who can’t feel the pain. Not him. 

That's just my opinion, though, for you to consider or dismiss with my best wishes. 

The second to last paragraph is so touching, I wish the transition between it and the last line wasn't so abrupt. If you had, "As time passes and the waves recede, you sigh in acceptance." My love is gone would be bouyed like the sea, or a cloud, or whatever image takes your fancy, :).

It's a lovely story, and nice to see Cho mature enough to realize Romeo and Juliet aren't the ideal, that's it's enough to have loved, and Cedric would want her to live. 

There's an otherworldly feeling to this poem, a parallel sense of detatchment and oneness with the natural world and the beings who inhabit it. You evoked the mood well with description. I enjoyed your turn of phrase "Morbid scent" in particular.

I did notice repetition of words like cold, biting, gentle, and wind that felt more like unconscious reuse rather than key words. Also, at the end, without looking in the mirror, a person can't tell that her pupils are hyper-dilated. 

Thank you for sharing the poem, and if you have the time to reply, I'd love to know what your idea of a morbid scent is, and the reason behind the phrasing of "gently monsoon." It's very unusual, and I think if you changed "gently running" in the second stanza to trickling or something else, the quirky combination would have more impact. 

I'm sorry to hear you had writer's block. Maybe your subconscious needed to work on a few areas of the story before you were ready to write it. :)

I really enjoyed your perspective on the family, especially the dynamics between Victoire and Teddy. I had to suspend disbelief that the family wouldn't all get together at least once or twice a year before the official reunions began, but the older kids watching younger ones was very well done and true to life, especially the ignored "discipline" and not being able to get outside fast enough.

The use of the swing was classic and effective imagery. Teddy's angst was poignant, although I had trouble imagining him not knowing the true circumstances of Tonks "running off" to be killed in battle, not knowing about her work as an Auror, her work for the Order, that no matter what a "handful" she'd been as a teenager, his mother did not get bored of a baby and run off to overdose on a "toxic poison."

I did like the contrast between the way she dropped his hand when she'd grabbed it unselfconsciously (as a friend) and the way, despite the awkwardness, she didn't want to let go after realizing they weren't just friends or honorary "cousins." 

The ending that followed was sweet, and I'm sure Fleur appreciated Victoire smiling instead of scooting away.  

I admire you for continuing to post even though no one reviewed. Even if you get hits, it’s discouraging not to get feedback.

I read both chapters you have posted, and although I don’t usually read Dark Lord rules the wizarding world stories, I like Nick (drooling on the pillow was a very humanizing quirk), and his goal to bring back Elle. He reminds me of Imhotep trying to bring back Anck Su Namun in The Mummy. Is Elle worth bringing back? Their relationship didn’t seem exactly close. Also reminding me of the film is Lily experiencing past-life flashbacks. Is she an Evie-type character destined to stop evil or to be possessed by the soul of Elle?

The story has an interesting plot, but to be honest, sometimes the way certain things were written made it hard to keep reading. At the beginning, you have Alecto Carrow screaming to “whispering first-years” when it isn’t necessary and comes across as unintentionally humorous.

As much as I liked Voldemort’s pamphlets tossed about erratically, the content raised a brow. I’d think he’d have Pureblood scholars rewrite history in a textbook for History of Magic, and Muggles, while capable of  producing Mudblood children, aren’t Mudbloods. I realize you were working in background information, but it seemed out of place in Muggle Studies.

Every writer has to watch for repetition, and I noticed a few instances in your story. In the first paragraphs, the children’s eyes were wide with wonder, and then Lily’s  “sapphire eyes” were “rapt with wonder.” Later, in Nick’s pov, the word “away” is used three times in one paragraph. In the second chapter, you mention the sun a lot and have it both radiating and beating down “mercilessly,” while in the second and third paragraphs “residents” are mentioned three times.  

The idea of scurvy-grass made me grin. If people know cigarettes give them cancer and smoke anyway, why not “grass” that leads to scurvy along with the high?  The character of Chauncey Adams is amusing; especially that Lily admires him because he simply likes to cause trouble.

I have no sympathy for Nick eternally looking eighteen, but I think him having to pull an Edward and go to high school is interesting. I wonder if your Bella will fall obsessively in love with him, heh.

I hope you found my comments helpful, good luck with the story.

Hi Dinny!

It brought a smile to my face to see you were SPEW's author of the month, both because I like you, :), and since this is your first story you get to be the test case for the proposed "Fic of the Month" in that every SPEW member who participates will review Innocence. You'll be able to tell Jenny if that gives you a broader, more helpful range of productive praise and concrit. 

I'm sure I'm echoing previous reviewers, but I think it was brilliant of you to want to show the reason why Remus thought he was "too dangerous." The scene where he's back at Hogwarts, particularly, was strikingly well executed. 

He finally got his head straight again, so he took all the time he needed to be cautious of his decisions. He would distance himself away from innocent people; away from innocent lives.

His thoughts were a powerful way to show his current way of coping with what happened and gives a glimpse of the professor he'll become.

As much as I loved the concept that Remus had a tragic reason for his low self-esteem and belief that Tonks and Teddy would be better off without him, though, I have problems with the reason you chose and the way you brought it about.

At the baby shower where Remus gets drunk and forgets to go down to the basement or wherever he's locked up, he's young, and probably not used to drinking, so his forgetting is plausible.

What I find impossible to believe is that his parents would forget, or that they would have a baby shower at their home on the day of the full moon. Like many other parents of a child with a serious medical condition, they've scheduled events and outings around his condition for years. Why would they suddenly become criminally irresponsible?

Another problem is the lack of clarity about what actually happened that night. Did the werewolf physically harm his mother to cause the baby's death, or did she fall trying to get away from him? It would be more believable for me if she'd hurt herself stumbling in fright because a werewolf attack wouldn't be something that could be hushed up. Remus would go to Azkaban. He wouldn't be going back to Hogwarts. Also, her losing the baby from a fall instead of physical assault gives his mother's accusation "You k--killed my baby!" an extra dimension of tragedy because it was really an accident brought on by carelessness and negligence of many people, not just Remus, yet he puts the blame soley on himself and always will.

I think the story would be stronger if you said what age the boys were; that it was summer holiday; Sirius brought over Firewhiskey for the friends to play a drinking game while Remus' parents went to a baby shower at the village hall; opening the front door the sight of Remus, not locked in the basement, frightened his mother into running and a tragic fall she would blame Remus for in a moment of grief . . . but I don't expect you to change a word. I just wanted to give my honest opinion for you to consider and keep in mind for future stories--that I hope you'll post soon.

Thank you for writing an emotionally gripping and thought provoking story!

:)

Paige