11/14/05
I'm an avid reader turned fanfiction writer who aims to one day be paid for original stories, but for now is satisfied with the invaluable reward of reviews (and three Quicksilver Quill awards). ^_^
ETA: Like Bilbo, I was There and Back Again (There being out in the non-fanfiction-world) a Writer's Tale filled with adventure, battles, and a return to the Shire of MNFF.
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Bella Rosa by Fynnsmom
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Before she became a Death Eater, Bellatrix Black was young, bored, and went slumming places no other pureblood would go. What she found and who she met was kept secret. Until now.
Date: 09/13/15 Title: Chapter 23: Gabe Reprimands Bella, What?
When Bella cut the painting Gabe had to be in shock, but he really is too nice, thinking she needs help instead of seeing her action as proof that she doesn't care about their relationship. I'm looking forward to Cissy doing something about Bella's drinking. Memory Charms? Rehab? :D
Author's Response: I think you'll get a real kick out of what Cissy does. As a teaser, she gives Bella a taste of her own medicine. You know Gabe tries to think the best of everyone, especially Bella. He's a sensitive young man. He's someone who could be scammed very easily, if you know what I mean:P I hope Bella doesn't overly take advantage of him. He really does love her but you know how she uses people. I hope they get back together and Bella "reforms" somewhat--but she wouldn't be Bellatrix if she was a good girl, would she?
Date: 01/20/11 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4: Friends
I see Helena Bonham Carter when I read your story, so I can imagine her doing just about anything. :D
I've said it before, heh, but I really enjoy Bella's snarky comments. The "insipid" one makes me think even though she'd deny it Bella is a tad jealous of Cissy. It makes her more human, easier to relate to than when she's blasting rats, :D. Her observations of the patrons at Angel's Crossing were amusing, too. She's so arrogant, thinking if she speaks to Gabe he'll change his policy of giving meals away.
Author's Response: I agree. When I write Bella I think of Helena Bonham Carter. They sure picked the perfect person to play that role. The characteristics that make Bella interesting and amusing to us, can also turn people off. Bella's independent and strong. Cissy wants to please people. She's a cute little blonde. While Bella's doing what she pleases, she sometimes wants people to like her. Cissy can do that--make people like her while Bella's honest snarkiness makes people dislike her. Give me a Bella any day. She makes life interesting. I think Gabe sees himself as a mondern-day warrior. Not only does he see himself that way but he "walks the talk." That attracts Bella as much as his looks do. At the same time, she doesn't like to give things away. Her lifestyle is at odds with that of a warrior. I think he'll listen to Bella's comments but he won't change the way he lives. Thanks for your reviews. They mean a lot to me.
Date: 01/20/11 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5: A Black Brunch
You have to worry for Jason and Wanbli because you're the writer, and less callous than readers who look forward to them suffering for our amusement, LOL.
I'm not a perfectionist, I just want you to polish your story to make it shiny and attractive to readers. :)
Author's Response: And, since I'm the writer, I also know what Bella's capable of and I know what's going to happen:D I only hope those two young men get back home safely and that they don't annoy Bella overly much:P I wonder if Jason's and Wanbli's impressions of the British are affected negatively by what they think of Bella. She's so naughty. I don't think her family has half an idea of what she does. If they find out they will be shocked and mortified. Whether you're a perfectionist or not, I'm thankful for everything you do. I've learned a lot. It's true, you can teach an old dog new tricks. Thanks for your review. I must admit that sometimes what I read is affected by the number of reviews there are, so I appreciate every last one I get.
Date: 01/20/11 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6: The Drum Lesson
I think everyone who read your first chapter note answered, "Yes!"
Wopila tanka for always wanting to work on your story and for not minding my suggestions! Beta-ing lends itself to heavy concrit without much constructive praise to lighten it, so I hope you know how much I enjoy Bella's characterization (you've put the 'fun' in dysfunctional) and the Lakota culture that adds a unique touch to the story. :)
Author's Response: I proudly take that as a compliment--that I put the 'fun' in dysfunctional:D I'm all about dysfunctionality. You have to laugh at it. I don't know--maybe I should be worried. Bella's behavior comes out of my mind, after all. I'm so glad you like "my" Bella, though. I've always found her to be fascinating--so bright, so powerful. It's so painful to see someone like that fall so hard. She really didn't deserve all that but somehow got forced into the things she did. I love to compare things. This story gives me a chance to compare a fantasy culture to a living culture. There are a lot of similarities as well as differences. I'm having a lot of fun writing and I'm learning a lot--thanks to you, my mentor.
Date: 12/19/10 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5: A Black Brunch
Since the story's so well-edited, ^_~, I read this chapter with an eye for characterization, and what really struck me was how much Bella resembles a rebellious teenager. Her huge sighs, the way she widens her eyes innocently to hide her wild antics and imaginings. Her jealousy and pranks.
I think it's the Victorian-like tradition pure-bloods have of keeping daughters living at home with no job until they marry a wizard who meets their requirements of wealth, blood purity, and political views.
So here's this woman with arrested development and mental issues attracted to a man who's her polar opposite. While it might not make for a happily ever after, it will never be boring!
Author's Response: I must admit, I'm very pleased with the editing. It looks like someone did a lot of work on that. You know how first drafts can be:D I think you've hit the nail on the head with your description of Bella's character. She's the oldest daughter in an old pure-blood family. They probably appear to have money but really don't. But, after all, it's appearances that count. As a pure-blood she hasn't been out in the world very much. She's a rebellious sort and wants to be independent. I think she started out wanting to "play" with her Muggle artist, in a way to spite her family, but their relationship seems to be getting more serious. I worry about that nice young artist. I'm afraid she's going to break his heart. I'm not sure how committed Bella can be. I could be wrong, I hope I'm wrong. I have Chapter 6 waiting to be validated and a Christmas story. I'd appreciate your comments:D so be on the lookout for them. Be sure to have a Happy Christmas. See you next time.
Date: 10/22/15 Title: Chapter 24: Chapter 24 Beware a Talented Witch
Is it sad that I agree with Tom that she's wasting her talents? :D I feel sorry for Gabe, but if you let him live, you've reassured readers that he'll help others instead of feeling sorry for himself when the romance is over.
Author's Response: I don't think it's sad that you agree with Tom. You're agreeing with the basic statement but for different reasons, I figure. Whatever we believe her talents to be we all probably agree that she could be doing something different rather than sitting around acting like a rich bitch and drinking all day. What makes me sad about Gabe's situation is that if he lives, life will go on. But, there will always be that piece of his heart that has died. He will have lost Rain, Autumn Rose, and probably Bella. Time will heal some of his wounds but there will always be that little spot of infinite sadness. I have another chapter done but it has to be edited to dialogue. Right now it's all description of what's happening.
Date: 04/04/16 Title: Chapter 25: Chapter 25
I can kill Muggles, even children, without shedding a tear as long as they don't look like you . . . romance, Bellatrix style. :D I wonder if she's rushing off to see Gabe one last time.
Author's Response: I wonder that also, but would she be that selfish to go to Gabe at this moment? She just ran off in away from Tom and Lucius. What if one of them follows her? She could get Gabe into a lot of trouble. Yes, Bella's version of romance is a bit twisted. She's one of those kinds of people, who cut back or stop drinking altogether, and you realize it wasn't the alcohol that gave them a bad character but the evil was there all the time. Thanks for reviewing. This story is very close to the end!
Date: 01/21/11 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7: A Ritual Journey
Gabe not wanting to talk about what happened and blaming himself rings very true to life. Sarcasm is a defense mechanism, and a good choice to offset exposition, heehee.
Thanks for the explanations at the end of the chapter. That's interesting, about Wanbli's name, and that if you call your friend kola, it better be a guy . . . or a manly woman? :D
I noticed a few dialogue formatting errors that slipped through, commas used when it should be periods because--even though dialogue follows--the character isn't saying it, he's doing an action and then speaking.
Eleven paragraphs down, you have: Jason smiled patiently, and sixteen paragraphs down from that Gabe nodded somberly, and three paragraphs further “That’s where you’re wrong, kola. For our best friend we’re doing this up right.” Jason said from the back seat.
Something else I just noticed was a lot of grinning and smiling going on. Different ways to show amusement are hard to think of, I know, but they might make the times you have characters smile or grin more meaningful.
I'm not trying to beta via review, heh, I only want to help, and I appreciate all the research you did to get your facts right.
I'm looking forward to reading about the ceremony. :)
Author's Response: I really appreciate all that you've done for this story. You're the beta (the most awesome there is) and then you review on every site this story appears. That's not easy. I thought it best to give some of the explanations at the end. Some of the cultural information came to me orally so you can't always look everything up. Traditionally, a lot of Native culture is passed on orally. The culture is embedded in the language which was never written down until recently (recently if you are looking at a very long comparative timeline). You know, I think I catch everything but some mistake will always show up in the final copy. I've got the ceremony scene written and it's been picked over by my Native readers. I hope it reads well. You'll be seeing that soon. Wopila Tanka, my friend.
Date: 09/21/10 Title: Chapter 1: Bella
When had it become her responsibility to marry money and refill the dwindling family coffers? This was the 1970s for gods' sake.
Hehheh Bella saying "This is the 1970s" like so many other rebellious girls must have done. How old is she, exactly? That's something that would be good to work into the story to give readers a clearer picture of her.
You did a good job letting thoughts and actions portray Bella as much as the descriptions. I wonder how long she can keep her nightly outings a secret.
To be honest, Bellatrix pre-Voldemort and Lestrange is someone I can't empathise with yet, but I'm interested to see where you go with this story, and what you'll do with the hint of mental illness portrayed through racing thoughts.
Author's Response: I think the character, Bellatrix Black, was born in 1951. I think of this part of the story as happening around 1977-78, so that makes Bella 26 or 27. Between you and me, Bella will keep her outings a secret for a few months but she becomes so entranced and in love that she becomes a little careless. I won't tell you more:D I'm hoping to describe her as a vulnerable character, doing things she shouldn't do because her family is not going to approve, and her life going to the dark abyss of hell quicker than we can imagine. I want you to care about her but to pity her in the end. I don't want her to be so psychotic that her mental illnes can be blamed for her actions but for her to be a strong woman who breaks under the power of the Dark Lord. Thank you for your review. I think even you might be surprised where this will go in the end:D
Date: 11/01/10 Title: Chapter 3: Chapter 3: At Angel's Crossing
I'm so glad they chose Helena Bonham Carter to be Bellatrix in the movies because she's my mental image for the character now and I can absolutely see her drinking, flirting, and gloating that she's manipulated everything to her satisfaction.
Gabe is confident with mean drunks, not so confident with a woman like Bella. I like him more for that. And it's always a plus when a guy wears leather and smells good too. ;)
I did notice while rereading that there’s no time/day context when the pov shifts from Bella and “Gabe took the dogs for a run and came . . . .” Is it happening at night? It would be good to know to help picture the scene. Also, the term “smudged”, while explained before, might be hard for readers to immediately recall. If you put “That night, when Gabe performed the smudging ceremony” I think it would jog memories, or at least give a clearer mental image.
Near the end, Bella dancing in the dark is an unexpected image. It made me relate to her more, and made me hum Bruce Springsteen. :)
Author's Response: I always picture Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix too. I really think she was a free spirit. She was out to have fun but something tragic happened that totally changed her lifestyle. I can see her out partying and having a good time. Gabe is a sweetie. He's almost innocent when compared to Bella, but he will try to protect her, as a good warrior should. He thinks he's man enough to handle Bella and maybe he is during these months when they were so happy. As for her dancing in the dark, it's interesting to note that she was probably doing a traditional women's dance while listening to a Native drum group. When you're listening to the drum it's hard not to dance. It goes straight to your center and you can feel its power. That's what Bella identified with. The drum is called "the heartbeat of the people." I agree with your comments and will try to pay attention in the future. I know what time of day it is but I guess it would help if I told everyone else:D I'm also familiar with the term "smudging" so I think other people are too. As I said, those are good points and I will try to incorporate them in the future. Thanks for your review and I'll see you next time. I just submitted Chapter 4, entitled "Friends" this evening so keep an eye out for it.
Date: 10/08/10 Title: Chapter 2: Chapter 2: Gabe
The world will never have enough stories, so I'm glad you went from contemplating writing to doing it.
In this chapter, I enjoyed the glimpse into Gabe's life and how he and Bella are both fascinated and wanting to know each other better without the other being aware of it.
You know how I am about repetition, wanting to pluck it out like one of Stephen King's "pernicious dandelion" adverbs, :D. I couldn't help but notice that in the third to last paragraph the line about the dogs lying on the floor is repeating what you showed earlier.
I'm looking forward to the When Gabe Met Bella moment, and thanks for the thanks, although only your desire (and bum glue) will get the story written. :)Author's Response: Well, I must say, I certainly have enough bum glue to finish this story:D It's finished--it just has to be written, which is where the bum glue comes in:D You deserve a lot of thanks for this story. Thanks to you, in the past year, it's gone from a simple idea that was discussed over hamburgers in a small cafe with my sister to a many-chaptered and I hope interesting story. But, let's get to it. I think you will see the When Gabe Met Bella moment in the next chapter. That's when I will probably hear choruses of "Oh no, he's such a nice young man. Keep him away from her. She's evil." :D But he is a strong young man who will give Bella the best and happiest months of her life. Now, will she remember those months?? Hmmm, I wonder what that means? Mwahaha!! I saw that "dogs lying on the floor" sentence and thought the same thing but I left it in the interest of posting. You had made a couple of other suggestions also that I want to eventually fix in the final copy. You do know that I will make a hard copy of the final to keep (and probably be buried with:D). Thanks for your review. You are a true and loyal friend, going above and beyond the call of duty.
Date: 06/13/15 Title: Chapter 22: Chapter 22: The Engagement Portrait
I think you made the comment once that I don't review because I've already read the chapter. Since I found out that you've become the most prolific reviewer on MNFF, I decided I had to give back some of the review love. So here goes!
When I'm in beta mode, I'm looking for things like missing commas before conjunctions that link independent clauses, or repetition of words or phrases. I probably forget to tell you that I enjoy Bella's one liners like "Cissy, does Lucius know he’s going to be a daddy and not a husband?" :D
From the first chapter of this story, you've created your own unique slant on Bellatrix's characterization. She's a young, aristocratic hedonist, and anyone who disagrees with her is going to be told to eff off. I can't say I like her, but she is interesting. Her romance with Gabe would be unequivocally OOC if you hadn't set the story before she became a Voldemort worshipping Death Eater. You've given yourself wiggle room by making this a story of how she changed from being the bad girl of the Ancient and Noble House of Black who would shag anyone she fancied into the woman with one single focus: Voldemort.
You've had a lot of fun with Bella and Gabe's romantic ups and downs. She's always outrageous and not considering others, and I think he's getting tired of pretending she doesn't have a drinking problem.
Since this is chapter 22, I hate to suggest that the fluffy romantic fun should be over, but from a simple reader's viewpoint, it's time her owls came home to roost. Lucius is suspicious. You've set up how much Bella has to lose. I know it's hard to take that step toward her becoming a Muggle-hating ruthless killer, but it needs to be done.
I'll look forward to it.
Author's Response: I am so unused to having a review that I forgot to respond.:D I kind of enjoy coming up with Bella's one-liners. Bella isn't a good girl gone bad. She's a bad girl who went worse, if that's even proper English. I can see her problems starting out with her hedonistic behavior and then getting out of control. She couldn't say no to the bottle and went down the wrong path to the point where she couldn't turn back. As Tool says in the song Sober, "I will find the center in you. I will chew it up and leave. I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down." With the next chapter events will turn very dark and then darker still until we see Bella as we know her from canon. Gabe has seen what alcohol can do to a person and he's starting to worry about Bella. As always, a partner's drinking is a very difficult topic to deal with. Bella is going to fall very far but will she drag Gabe with her? Will he survive this relationship alive?
Master of Midnight by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary:
To most lycanthropes, it is a curse. To one, he relishes it and the power it gives him. Who is this one?
See Fenrir Greyback and his transformation from man to beast.
This tritina was written for the Department of Mysteries Challenge in the Poetry Anyone forum of the Beta Boards. By some miracle, it won first place. (love you, Jules)
This poem was also nominated for a 2011 Quicksilver Quill Award: Best Poem
Date: 10/10/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
I only throw rotten veg in the rubbish bin, so I'm glad to toss you a flower of praise--a Chinese bellflower, blue or white (your choice) that blooms in Autumn and can be eaten in salads. :)
I read the beginning note after the poem, so "a tritina" answers my question about structure choice.
I found the imagery striking. You captured the essence of Greyback and showed why he loved being a werewolf.
I do have questions about a few word choices. In the first stanza, "soft glow" is a bit of a stock phrase and doesn't quite fit with the bending, twisting, seething that came before. That could have been an opportunity to use an unusual description, like cold beauty.
The third stanza describes the fear of prey as "a monument", but that's off, because a monument is a structure, a building, gravestone, etc. Tribute would convey your meaning without giving anyone the mental image of prey carrying around statues in Fenrir's likeness (okay, that's just me).
Thank you for sharing your poem!
Author's Response:
Well hello! I haven't seen you forever, so what a lovely surprise. :D
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. I still am completely dumbfounded that it won the contest for which it was written, because, like you, I see these flaws but can't be bothered to go back and fix them, honestly. Nonetheless, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I've enjoyed your visit, as well.
Take care, and hopefully the pup isn't chewing on any more plastic. >.<
~Jess
Date: 10/11/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Hi, Jess, I read your reply, and I know how you feel, you've moved on to another writing project, but if you would consider taking a few seconds of time to edit one word, to change "monument" to "tribute" I'd be a grateful reader.
Your poem won because it evokes a visceral reaction, and if you'd edit, it would keep the emotional tension strong throughout instead of breaking near the end with a misused word.
Author's Response: Lol, if it means tha tmuch to you, I'll do it just for you. :D
Date: 10/11/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
I would've been happy with the single word change, but you added an extra dollop of awesome with "wanton". It suits so much better and links to "lusting" in the third stanza.
I feel like singing Phantom of the Opera:
Bravi, bravi, bravissimi!
Author's Response:
I suppose I could see more things I didn't like now that I haven't looked at it for a month or so. It's easier to edit that way. Half the times, with my poetry, I mean to do that anyway but never remember. Thanks for the prod in the right direction, dear.
~Jess
The Christmas Haunting of Bellatrix Black by Fynnsmom
Rated: 6th-7th Years •Summary: Bella spends a sleepless night because of disturbing dreams. Has she really seen her future?
Date: 12/23/10 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Happy Holidays to you! I think this story shows Bella's headstrong, unrepentant personality and how she never had a moral compass. The implied frustration of her visitors is shared by most readers, I think. Even though we know all "Scrooges" don't redeem themselves, we can't help wishing they would.
I think your beta did an brilliant job overall, ho ho ho, but I did notice something that slipped through: dialogue tags that restate what the dialogue just implied.
“Don’t you carry warmth with you? It’s too damn cold out here and I forgot my wrap,” Bella complained.
What they say conveys how they say it, so the "complained", etc, isn't needed.
A stylistic choice I wondered about is the use of "responded" instead of "replied."I don't see responded used in dialogue tags in novels much, it's more of an action, responded to a letter, or call (or a call for help). Is there a reason you like to use it instead of replied? It's not wrong, just unusual, and I'm curious. =^_^=
Author's Response: I do have a brilliant beta, that's for sure:D Sometimes I think she purposefully lets some little things slip through as a way of testing me. Will I find it? Will I change it? Will I ignore it? I also know that even in the most perfect piece of writing, she can find something to correct. Geez, I told you to stop asking me hard questions:D I've been thinking about why I use respond instead of reply. My background is in research, analyzing data, interpreting data and statistical results, etc. I often talk about respondents, how a percentage of the sample responded, "they responded," "their response was," "how would you respond if . . ."Mark your response," etc. It's a common word for me to use. And, it's another way to say, "replied," "answered," "said." Basically, it's a part of my vocabulary. Maybe Bella's a Taurus and she's stubborn. This could be good. Gabe's a Capricorn and I understand that Tauruses and Capricorns get along very well. They can get into mighty clashes but they make up and their love is intense. Yeah, I think even Phineas Nigellus and her third visitor were frustrated with her, although they were both sort of kindred spirits. I find the concept of lack of a moral compass to be a wonderful explanation for Bella's actions. I learn so much from all of my story reviewers. Have a great holiday! I'll talk to you soon.
Harry J. Potter - A Song Parody by Virgil
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: This is a "Potter Parody" of the musical masterpiece, "Eleanor Rigby" - originally written by Paul McCartney and performed by the Beatles. It takes you on a musical journey from the opening chapters of Philosopher's Stone to the Epilogue in Deathly Hallows.
Date: 02/28/11 Title: Chapter 1: Harry J. Potter
I'm a Beatles fan and enjoyed your use of their song to create your poem. The first two stanzas are the strongest, the melding of song and HP storyline are delightfully well done. "Waits at the mail slot" made me grin.
The sudden shift from Chosen One to nineteen years later, though, made the poem feel like the equivalent of reading the first HP book and then skipping all the rest and reading the epilogue. If you could have found a way to summarize it wouldn't have been so abrupt. Maybe something like: Seven years later, Voldemort's defeated, good guys have finally won, He has a godson, Harry J. Potter, Marries Ginny and has children he sends off to school, So young and new . . . .
I'm not suggesting you change a thing, I just couldn't resist joining the fun as well as making comments for you to consider . . . and hopefully appreciate. ;)
Author's Response: Thank you! I appreciate the thought you put into it :D ~Virgil
What They Deserve by ToBeOrNotToBeAGryffindor
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary:
For someone who 'missed the screaming', Argus Filch was in his element the day the Carrows set foot into Hogwarts. Who knew that his kindred spirit had been walking the halls of the school for years already?
And it wasn't even Mrs Norris.
Date: 01/18/11 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
Little did you know you tempted fate by saying you could write any pairing! I don't know if you cursed profusely when you received your prompt or just said, "Why did I get stuck with the weird one?" but I appreciate the thought and craft you put into the story.
Argus and Irma are very well matched. Both think no one understands how hard their jobs are and torture is fitting punishment for student wrongdoers. The implied similarities in the personalities of their pets, too, was very well done.
“My dog, Mr Corbie — he’s a toy poodle — can sniff out any library book. He can even tell which books belong in the Restricted Section and which ones are in the General Section.”
I could imagine him barking at students who dog-ear pages. :D
The missing portraits highlighted what was happening at the school and Irma and Argus's approval of it, and I approve of dark humor, heh, so I grinned through the tea and punishment scene. I've tried PG Tips, but I don't think I'd be able to tell the brand from Twinings or any other black tea. Our callous couple must have animal-like senses of smell in common, too. ;)
I still think "dead pissed off" isn't a phrase Argus would use, even if he picked it up from students or watching Monty Python back in the seventies. It is punny, and although our odd couple didn't pick up on the humour, I did.
Thanks for the amusing and thought provoking gift of a fic! ^_^
Author's Response:
I will admit, I was rather hoping I wouldn't have to write a brain-shredding ship like Filch/Pince. I wouldn't even read a fic featuring them, so I never thought I would have to write one. That being said, it wasn't nearly as painful as I thought it would be. It would be easier than writing Umbridge/Yaxley or something equally horrible, at any rate.
I have always thought of tea/coffee as something similar to beer in the way that everyone has particular tastes. To the indiscriminate tongue, Brand A and Brand B taste the same, but to the dedicated drinker of said brand, the differences are marked. For instance, I can drink most any major brand of cola and tell the difference between them without the benefit of knowing which is which. I just wanted that extra connection point between them, and commiserating over a beverage was the next step, I suppose.
And about 'dead pissed off', as you noted in your review on LJ, 'pissed' means drunk, and he'd definitely not that. It just seemed like a a good idea at the time, I suppose, lol. I'm not sure what else I could or would have used there. No doubt there is some ultra British-y phrase I could've used, but even my mastermind Brit picker couldn't think of anything else as an alternative. So there you have it. I really just wanted to give him a bit of untold background, since putting 'dead' in front of nearly everything is a marked Gloucester thing.
Thank you for the review, and I'm glad you liked your gift fic. It was interesting to write. :D
~Jess
Snow Angels by lucca4
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •
Summary:
This Christmas season, Hermione isn't fussed with gifts or wrapping paper. A drunken snog has forced her to rethink her feelings for Draco as she makes the ultimate decision between her mind and her heart.
Date: 01/24/11 Title: Chapter 1: Snow Angels
It's after Christmas, but your story definitely brought back some of the sparkle. :)
Present tense brings a sense of things happening as the reader reads, and I think you handled it extremely well. I do wish you'd worked in how Ron died, just briefly, in passing. Not only would it have made it more real and easier to connect emotionally with Hermione's loss, but not having any explanation is a distraction from the story, making the reader (at least this one) think, "Ron's dead? How? Cancer? Accident? Line of Duty for the Auror Office?" etc. etc. . . .
You did a nice job showing how guilty Harry makes her feel about Draco. I question her shutting the door with a bang, though. Especially an italicized one. She's so restrained, "Hermione pretends not to hear him as she brushes past" would be fine on its own.
The asterisks showing the change of scene along with the lack of transition or italics to show it was a dream was disorienting. I didn't know if it was a day in the future or a dream until Draco's image shimmered.
At the end, when she shows up at his house, while the scene itself is touching and romantic, Draco's initial reaction doesn't make sense. All she's said is she doesn't blame him for being a bit angry. Why, after he's softening over her wavering tone and coming close, would he say, "So this is it, then?" like he thinks she's come over to his house on Christmas morning to tell him she's "backing out after one snog."
I do like the touch of humor with Hermione coughing over the ash when she arrived, and the way seeing Draco in his pyjamas makes her realize it's Christmas morning was a great way to show she'd lost track of time.
Thanks for sharing the story!
Author's Response: First, thank you so much for taking the time to review :). I read your review on the spewswap site and both your praise *and* your crit is very much appreciated and I really do mean that. I was going to change a few things before posting, such as Ron's death and Draco's reaction, but the truth is I have little interest in Dramione and I had other things to write. Perhaps later I'll change some of the things, as you have very valid points. The only thing I would disagree on is the transition to a dream…the prompt was about how there is a very fine line between real life and dreams, and I wanted that sort of disorientation…but I can understand how it wasn't that helpful to the story :). Thanks again for your review!
A Remembrance poem by BlackWolves
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A Remembrance poem Is about the war against the Dark Lord and how we should remember all the lives that were lost whether they were good or evil.
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I doubt anyone is surprised by that.
Date: 02/28/11 Title: Chapter 1: The Battle Of Hogwarts by Hermione Grange
There's a simplicity and directness to your poem that, while I can't imagine Hermione writing it, I can imagine a younger Hogwarts student penning the lines with the earnestness and solemnity of a bedtime prayer, saying "We must remember the dead every night before bed.
The lines "All creatures have done their parts, though many have broken hearts" was touching and evoked the sacrifices made throughout the books. I agree Voldemort won't be missed, and if you edit the last word, you'll have "hiss" instead of "his." :)