I must say that I enjoy your McKee fics a little better (on average) than this one. That being said, however, I still liked this one too. I really like your portrayal of Harry here. After what happened with Sirius at the end of OoTP, I find it so in character for Harry to really over analyze the consequences of everything he does to a point where is may cost him. I also enjoy your portrayal of Ginny, as I do in all of your work. She is one of my favorite characters, aside from the trio. And, I always enjoy reading stories where she is well written as is the case here. About the only thing I can call into question here is Harry’s last line, “Never sounds like a bloody long time.” It just doesn’t sound like Harry to me, for some reason. It didn’t strike me as the type of thing Harry would say to Ginny in that situation. It’s a minor thing, like you’ve put together a very nice puzzle here. For me, though, the last piece just doesn’t quite fit right. Oh well, don’t get the wrong idea by the comment. I liked this one very much. Good job as always, Lex!
Author's Response: I contemplated that line so much. I knew the meaning I wanted to portray, but couldn't find the right phrasing. I took out the bloody, so that should put it a bit more in line. Thanks, Vader!
First of all, Vader would like to say that he enjoyed the first chapter of your story very much. As a crew member on the Harry/Hermione ship, he always enjoys reading new stories in this category. The dream sequence you begin with is both dark and mysterious. It serves very well to grab the attention of the reader. You do a good job creating a very spooky/nightmare like atmosphere with the screams and the evil laughter in the back ground.
Vader also liked the line where someone nearby in the boy’s dormitory said, “It’s just Potter having another nightmare. This seems to be a very likely comment to come out of anyone who has shared a room with Harry at school for any length of time. It’s one of those little things that helps bolster the believability of your story. Vader does wish, however, that you would have taken a moment to describe the dorm room; to set the stage for the author. It doesn’t have to be an extra five hundred words or anything like that. Just add a sentence or two to create a strong visual in the readers mind so he or she can perfectly see the settings in your story.
There are some additional bits of constructive criticism Vader would like to offer your story. Please keep in mind that these are suggestions offered only as one author/reader’s humble opinions to another. First of all, you paragraph formatting makes things little hard to read at times. As Vader read, he found himself getting lost a couple times because he had a hard time figuring out where one paragraph ended and the next began. It’s a small thing, yes. But, it can detract from the flow of your story. As a suggestion, I would work on the format and layout of your story.
Secondly, I found Ron to be a little bit too supportive of Snape. If anything, I think Ron is just as suspicious of Snape as Harry is (maybe even more). The only one of the trio I can see encouraging Harry to trust in Snape because Dumbledore trusts him is Hermione. That particular line from Ron just didn’t sit right with Vader. Otherwise, you did a pretty good job with your characterization.
Finally, Vader found some punctuation errors here and there. In one case, he even got a little confused. You have an exclamation point enclosed in parentheses. Vader doesn’t think that doing so adds the impact you’re going for there. A better way to do that, for example might just be to have Harry say something like, “Don’t tell me, by getting Snape to give me more Occlumency lessons? Great!” Harry exclaimed sarcastically, rolling his eyes. It’s just a suggestion.
Overall, this is a very good start to your story. Vader likes the fact that though this is a romance story, you didn’t just jump right into the thick of things without building a nice foundation for your plot. Vader is looking forward to your next installment. Keep up the good work!
Setting the Stage is a pretty good opening chapter, SecretKeeper. Vader really liked the opening five paragraphs, the little intro, you used to begin your story. There were a lot of thoughts there that Vader happens to agree with and it helps set up the story for your reader. It’s like it was a little preview on what the story is going to be about.
Another thing Vader liked is how you mixed in the back story in a digestible amount. Sometimes, writers go off on a back story tangent and stray so far of the main path of their plot they lose the reader. Yours was done in three short paragraphs so it didn’t wander too far from the main idea while still providing the reader with useful information. Good job on filling in some of the blank space between the end of OoTP and when your story takes place.
Overall, your writing mechanics were very good in this chapter. There was one line in there, ”How was Occlumency lessons?” that looked off. Maybe it’s just because Vader is trying to use the force to make was (singular) and lessons (plural) agree and it just isn’t happening. Yet, from a technical stand point, Darth just can’t be sure if this is even wrong. Perhaps a way to avoid derailing old fools would be to rephrase the line to something like, ”How was Occlumency?” or ”How did your lessons go?”. Treat this a just a suggestion.
Another thing, does Snape’s office have a wooden floor? Vader is not able to check his books of look it up on the HPL (Harry Potter Lexicon) just now. Isn’t his office down in the dungeons close by the classroom where he teaches potions? If his office is in the dungeons, does it seem more likely that the floor to his office is stone? If the books make some reference to a wood floor, disregard this comment as Vader is not able to check.
Your characterizations of both Harry and Snape are very good. Additionally, Vader likes the way you are setting up the romance between Harry and Hermione here. Instead of the two of them being in magically in love in the first chapter, you have just given hints. It allows you to build on the relationship and tension between the characters in future chapters. If they are madly in love in chapter one, where can you really go with that? It’s on to the next chapter! Good job!
The pace of the second chapter, The War at Home, was very good. There was some action and some suspense that really drew Vader into the story. The way you used Harry’s nightmare, reliving the incident at the Department of Mysterious, did a very nice job setting the tone for the rest of the chapter. There was a clear feeling of urgency and alarm throughout.
Vader also liked how you tied in Harry’s hero complex / his “this all has somehow to do with me” thing. It’s very in character for him to feel and act the way you have him portrayed. Now, where Vader certainly agrees that Hermione and Ron would accompany Harry if he left the castle to go find Dumbledore, he thinks that they both would have done so a little more grudgingly. Especially given the fact that it is likely that the Death Eaters are after Harry specifically. It’s not a question of bravery, because Ron and Hermione both have plenty of it when it comes time for bullets to hit bone. Vader thinks Ron seems to have a tendency to panic a little more. And, similarly to how she reacted before going to the Department of Mysteries, he thinks Hermione would have tried to pull Ron and Harry aside and try to get them to think things through a little more. That being said, in your story, Harry didn’t leave them much choice (or time).
On the matter of battles at / for Hogwarts, Vader is torn. Personally, Hogwarts seems to be such a critical location in the magical world that it seems very likely for it to be the site of some kind of magically historic battle. Aside from the Ministry of Magic, name a place in the Harry Potter universe more important? Throw in the fact the Voldemort’s number one target is currently attending school there, Vader thinks that makes Hogwarts a very likely spot for just such an episode. On the other hand, he has to admit that every time he reads a story involving a battle at or for Hogwarts, he winces a little. This is certainly no fault of your own, SecretKeeper. It’s just that so many other stories have something like this happening. It’s just one of those plotlines where it’s almost impossible to come up with something different. You actually did quite well with it in spite of all of that.
Once again, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation all appeared to be very good. No one is about to hand Vader the lead editorial roll at some big magazine or anything, but he couldn’t find any mistakes. In total, this was another very good chapter. Vader is really looking forward to reading more. Keep up the outstanding work!
You did a great job on this one, DanceUponMyToes. I really liked the flow it had. I like how you didn’t say who was on Hermione’s mind here. That leaves it up for the reader to decide for themselves which can always add a little intrigue. I was hoping for a little more of a hint than I saw in there, but oh well. I liked it just the same. The ending was so, I don’t know, tragic I guess. Hermione just left aching and allowing herself to think that’s the way it should be. Great job! Looking forward to reading more of your work!
I’m not the biggest marauders fan in the world, but I liked your poem. You had a couple of really strong stanzas that I was very impressed with. I think my favorite stanza is the following:
The best of friends, the worst of foes, It now is all the same, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs We have ourselves to blame.
I think at times the rhythm and rhyme of your poem got a little loose in a couple places. For example, alone and gone don’t rhyme even though they are spelled alike. It’s the sort of thing that can throw things off for the reader. Additionally, several of your stanzas vary in their patterns and number of syllables. This too can affect the flow. It’s very hard to pick one rhyme scheme and one pattern of syllables and stick to it through a whole poem. I can’t even do myself all the time. However, if you stick as close to it as you can, it really helps your poem sound more poetic? That make any sense?
My last constructive comment is that I noticed a couple of spelling type mistakes. For example, in the first stanza, you have Padoot and it should be Padfoot. Do you have some one read your poems before you submit them? Personally, I always do because I have a tendency to read right over my mistakes because I know in my mind what’s supposed to be there. Using a beta reader can help you cut out some of the little mistakes so they don’t detract from your work.
Treat all of the above as just some things I noticed that might help you improve this poem. Though I noticed a few things you can work on, I still thought this was very nice. I hope to see more of your work in the future. Good job!
I started reading this story once a little while ago. I was unfortunately interrupted and did not get to finish it. Funny how that happens when you read these stories at work, isn’t it? In the craziness that has been my life since, I have not had the chance to go back and finish it…until today. I have to say that this was a very enjoyable read.
Right in the very beginning, you get hit with a heavy wave of misery and angst. I thought your opening paragraph packed a significant punch and was enough to buy me in for the rest of the story. He turned me into a murderer. He made me just like him. I liked how you carried these ideas through out the story, eventually softening, and then reversing as Hermione helps Harry realize how he is not like Voldemort. It was a device well used to pull your story together and keep in cohesive. Nice job!
I also thought you did a very good job with your imagery. As I read, I felt like I could clearly see the scene as you set it, almost like I was sitting alongside the lake just down from where your story took place. One example is Hogwarts’ lights were reflecting on the water, making it look as if little fairies were glistening as they floated to shore with the tide. You do an excellence job setting the scene for your reader.
My favorite part of the whole story is how Hermione gets Harry to realize he is different than Voldemort by describing what the world would be like had he not killed him. The images of all of his friends dead, Neville insane and Lestrange moving in for the kill while she cowers helpless in the corner are all very powerful. I thought you also did a very good job of portaying Harry’s initial reaction to this tactic; making him take a second to realize what Hermione is trying to do. This part of your story was simply brilliant.
I tried very hard to find something constructive to say about your story. The things I did find were all very minor. There were a couple of places where I wasn’t so sure about the grammar and punctuation. I thought you had a few sentences in there that maybe could have been combined into one to make it read better and without losing any of the impact you intended. For example, The person I wanted to be can’t exist. Because he turned me into a murderer. Another tinything I noticed was starting off sentences with the word and. I noticed quite a few of those. To me, it’s something that is perfectly fine as long as it is used sparingly; so that it doesn’t stand out. It’s just something to consider. I’m not expert.
Overall, I found myself somewhat disappointed that this was only a one-shot. I really enjoyed reading it and will certainly need to check out your other story Run. All around, well done!
Vader isn’t sure why anyone else would take it any other way, but he found this to be a thoroughly amusing Sorting Hat parody. He must admit to being guilty of it at times himself, but Vader thinks the HP fan fiction world needs to lighten up and laugh a little more, especially since HBP. Submissions like this one are meant to leave the reader with a smile, not in a fighting mood because he or she felt the house they were sorted into on a fan fiction site was slighted. Hilarious! This is good fun, nutty imp, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Vader was really happy that you found his suggestion useful. You had some really great ideas in this one and all they really needed was slight alterations. Vader’s favorite bit has to be, “extraordinary ones bound for prison.” He thinks something like this poem might just be how it would sound if the Sorting Hat suddenly went wacko one day and decided it hated its job. What would have been even funnier here is if this parody included a stanza or two where the Hat tears into the founders too; Godric the Git or Remedial Ravenclaw. Of course, someone may have come after you if you did that (kidding!).
Great job and keep up the nice work!
Vader is impressed with this work, nutty imp. It tells such a great story and has such a tragic/heroic ending. Additionally, Vader enjoyed the freshness of the idea; he hasn’t seen too many stories/poems about Regulus Black. The fact that it was a new idea in that regard (at least to Vader) boosted his enjoyment of it.
The rhythm and rhymes in the poetic portions were, with very few exceptions, fantastic. There were a couple of places where maybe the rhythm wasn’t really off, but seemed to change a little. That is, in a couple of the stanzas, the lines seemed to be much shorter. Vader thinks, however, taking this work a whole, you can get away with that a little more because the dialogue sort of breaks up the stanzas anyway. With something like this, perfection in meter isn’t as important.
For the most part, the rhymes schemes were very good. The one that really just didn’t work for me was secrets and wicked used in the following stanza:
He locked you in his grip
By sharing little secrets.
You call it friendship
All I see is a game so wicked
Vader would suggest working on this stanza, and possibly rewording it a little. The meter seems a little off to him as well. It just didn’t seem to flow like the rest of the poem. If Vader may be so bold as to offer a suggestion…? How about something like, “Secrets locked you in his grip, of this you should be ashamed. You call it friendship’s bond, I think it’s a wicked game.” Okay, the rhyme is not perfect there either. But, you could work with something along those lines. At any rate, it’s just a suggestion.
Finally, the dialogue really added a lot to this work. It sort of filled in any holes. The only comment Vader had there is that in a few places it gets a little confusing as to who is talking. Eventually, the reader can figure out who it is, but have to read a few lines beyond to tell. And, Vader really isn’t sure how you change that without altering the pattern here. It’s a minor comment, but something Vader honestly felt as he read.
This one rates very on a number of different levels. It’s original, it flows well, good rhyme, good meter. What can Vader say, good job!
Magical Maeve, you have written three very good poems here. Vader sincerely enjoyed reading all three of them very much. From your work as a Beta Reader, Vader suspected you were a fantastic writer. These poems confirm that suspicion. Great job on all the of these.
Was you first poem, The Parted, meant to be a sonnet? It seems to follow a sonnet’s rhyme pattern, abab cdcd efef gg. Vader wasn’t so sure on the meter though. Perhaps the similar rhyme scheme is only a coincidence. At any rate, this poem felt so deep and so rich. There is some very good imagery in there. For example, Vader liked the line that went, the black cloak of defence seals a love frozen in the eaves, or, the iron-bright honesty of love that inhibits their minds. In a word, those lines were wonderful.
Vader also liked how this was not a typical, flowery poem about love. Granted, it is a poem about being separated for a very long time that being reunited. It just feels real where as many love or romantic poems slip off into la-la land. You avoided this pitfall very nicely.
In all honesty, Vader isn’t sure how he would change this poem. His personal preference is for much shorter lines in each stanza. However, you longer length lines do not seem to interrupt the flow. There are some places where he felt like some punctuation could have been added; most notably, a period here and there to indicate to the reader that particular thought was finished. The absence of those marks can cause the reader to try and rush right on to the next line and try and keep ideas together that really should be separate. Other than that, you did a very nice job here.
In The Ties That Bind, you once again follow that sonnet like abab cdcd efef gg pattern. This time, however, your lines get noticeably shorter by the end of the poem. It gives the reader a sense of hastening to the end, which is interesting…if intentional.
Vader thought this poem fell short of The Parted in terms of the number of lines that just blew him away. However, the first two lines opening the poem were pretty darn good. Again, Vader thinks maybe you should have tacked on a couple of periods here and there to indicate to the reader where thoughts are finished. Doing so takes the guess work out of trying to decide where thoughts begin and end. Make no mistake, this is a good poem too.
Finally, we have Vader’s favorite of the three, Avada Kedavra. Maybe Vader was partial to this one because he tried a couple of times to write a poem about this same topic…and failed miserably both times. Some of Vader’s favorites lines are:
Of a wand held high and death behind it, grinning.
Of a swansong pulling me towards the veil - fantastic.
And as I hear the gentle chimes
Of a bell discordant, ringing lonely.
You also seemed to do a better job placing punctuation in this one. It really did help steer the reader, keeping he or she in tune with the rhythm of your poem. You did a truly tremendous job on this one. Vader is very impressed (takes a bow to Magical Maeve’s poetic ability). Well done, on all three. Hopefully, we’ll get to see more poetry from you in the not too distant future.
The thing that Vader was the most impressed with was how well in communicated the same “wild and crazy ride” sensation that one would get if he or she went for a ride on the Knight Bus. Several of your stanzas begin with a phrase the create a sensation of not only motion, but the same “all over the place” motion associated with the night bus. You did a really nice job capturing that here, and it made your poem a very fun read.
Some of your rhymes were really good. As Magical Maeve pointed out, lurch and birch was a nice one. Vader also liked some of your near rhymes, like squelch and Welsh, passenger and wager, bump and swamp, and rust and bust. Sometimes, people forget about using these when writing poetry, and resort to using a much more limited range of simple words to complete their rhymes. You have avoided this pitfall very well. In fact, you didn’t use the same pair once. Vader thinks you did very well with your rhyme schemes.
Perhaps the one thing that could have been worked on here was flow. Vader knows this is a free-style poem and those don’t really follow any rules or patterns when it comes to meter. Nevertheless, you have a couple stanzas in there that are long and others that just zip right by. For example, the first two stanzas are both much longer than third. It just seems like the varying length of the stanzas makes your poem’s flow a little rough in spots. This is just a personal opinion. Looking at this is another light, the varied length of your stanzas could, from a certain point of view, contribute to your matching the feeling of the Knight Bus. Hmmm. It’s tough to say on that one. Just some thoughts to consider, Vader supposes. He’s really no expert.
Overall, this is very nice work. You have done so well in capturing the Knight Bus and the character of Stan and Ern. After one reads this, he or she will know what’s its like to go for ride on it!
Perhaps the thing that struck Vader the most about this poem is how well it captured the true feelings the Marauders had for Snape. You really had some very good lines in there that were both powerful and/or funny. Here are Vader’s favorite bits:
”Cherish our hate for you.” -- Vader really loved that line.
O Snivellus, slimy Snivellus This is an ode to you For all the things you've done for us, And all that we have put you through Vader thought your entire first stanza was really good. It seemed to be the smoothest of them all.
The main constructive criticism Vader can offer is that this poem could have used some work on its meter/flow. It has some other very nice poetic elements, such as good imagery and alliteration. But, in a couple places, the meter just doesn’t stay the same and it has the affect of making the poem a little hard to read. Vader, when he writes a poem like this, always tries to stick as closely to the flow and meter of his first stanza as he possibly can. It sets the table for the reader and gets him or her in a certain groove. By following the same pattern he sets in the first stanza, the reader stays locked in and doesn’t find that he or she needs to reread part or parts to stay in rhythm.
Despite all that, Vader wants you to know that this poem is still very good, and very enjoyable. So what if the meter is not perfect! Truth is, you can spend hours, even days trying to perfect meter and still not get it 100%. The important thing here is how well you’ve captured the true emotions and the fact that your work brings a smile to the face of the reader. Very good job!
Ksenia, this is very impressive. Vader sank right into this poem almost as if he was one the students sitting near the lake listening to Firenze recite it. The story that it tells is very powerful, and moving. Vader absolutely loved the part about the origins of wizards and magios. The names of the different ages, or spaces in time, were very interesting as well. Vader wonders if you made those up or found them some where. If you created those…WOW! It added to the believability of the work.
As some have noted in your other reviews, Vader did feel like punctuation would help. Sometimes, it helps the reader know when a thought is finished or where he or she should drop in a pause. However, since most of your stanzas were not all that long, it compensated for the lack on punctuation. The breaks in the stanzas provided a natural break in thoughts in lieu of punctuation.
Absolutely great, Ksenia. Vader would really like to see more of your work. This one is just very well done. Bravo!
Very good work here, Nutty Imp. You have done very well to capture a wealth of emotion and angst that a werewolf certainly must feel. My favorite lines are those two that you repeat as your third and sixth stanzas, “I wish to hide from the moonlight; The creature within I cannot fight.”
Roam goes a little better with alone as a near rhyme. So, in that first stanza, how about something like into the forest did I foolishly roam -- Now fated I am to be always alone.
I also feel like the rhythm changes as the reader moves through the poem. Despite this, the poem still has decent flow. However, a more consistent meter would make it flow even better. Overall, this was a very well done poem that I enjoyed very much.
Wow, HermioneDancr, Vader was quite impressed with the job you did with Hermione in this piece. You’ve cast her in such a believable light. Furthermore, the emotion was just so tangible. The way you have here clutching that red leather journal almost as though she wished it was her Gran and Hermione’s entry in the journal…it was very moving.
Vader liked how you explained why she hadn’t told Harry and Ron about her Gran. It seems very plausible that Hermione would not disclose something like this to Harry because he’d never know his family and that she wouldn’t tell Ron because telling him was as good as telling Harry. The fact that Harry and Ron knew something was wrong was good too. Vader likes how they thought the Time Turner was the culprit when they found out about it. Just like us guys not to catch on to the real reasons, eh?
Without a doubt, however, the journal entry is the best. Hermione just spills her heart out. She just lets out everything she wanted to say that has been trapped inside since the death of her Gran. Sometimes, that’s all people need to make their peace. Vader’s favorite part:
It was the shortest fifteen minutes of my life. It was also the longest. It was the most hopeless and the most hopeful; the saddest and the most precious. We spoke much and said little.
This is really very good work. Vader didn’t find much in the way of errors, nor does he have any real suggestions for this one. He likes it just the way it is. Nice job!
I think HBP has shown us that Hermione's emotions are not always under control. She is capable of spilling her heart out. That's what made this possible to write.
Requiem was very interesting. You’re right, some times, when the author doesn’t tell the reader who the poem refers to, it can make it even more interesting. For one thing, the reader’s attention tends to be elevated as he or she scours each line, like Vader did, trying to find a clue pointing directly at the subject of the poem. Perhaps Vader will PM you his guess as to who you are talking about here, as he would be very embarrassed if he included it here…and was wrong.
There are many very interesting little bits in this poem. Vader’s favorite part probably is the following:
Presenting herself on a silver platter
Late at night she searches for her depth and soul.
Over-stimulation numbs her until she feels nothing
But she will keep digging
Until she uncovers something.
This just speaks to Vader so clearly about someone wanting so desperately to understand who she is and not knowing. Vader really liked this passage. Great job!
In terms of constructive criticism, Vader has decided he really would like to know who it was. He gets the whole mystery angle and how that can add to the overall experience in the poem. And, Vader wouldn’t necessarily change the actual wording at all. Maybe, you could throw in a hint in an authors note so readers, if they want, have a better way to know for sure who you mean. It doesn’t have to be a great hint, just a little one.
Vader likes free-verse poems a lot. He thinks they can be even harder to write than metered, rhyming poems. You have done a nice job pulling this one off! Vader really enjoyed it!
Now, with In Silence, Vader does think he knows who Harry is thinking about, and he really likes this poem a lot!. It is very believable for Harry to feel the way you have described it in this poem because he knows that any one who is close to him is at risk due to association. Additionally, there are other issues that can be seen that would cause Harry to feel this way about the girl Vader believes Harry is thinking about. Saying what these issues are might give it away, so we’ll just leave it at there is some very believable emotions from Harry here for a number of different and very plausible reasons. Good work.
In these two poems and in some of your other work that Vader has read you have a very noticeable habit to repeat short, one line sentences. This is a very effective tool in all kinds of writing, especially poetry. It acts as sort of a cohesive force in your work. Vader also likes the way you make slight alterations to the phrase as you move along in the poem. It aids in the transitional phases of the work helping to establish a nice flow. If Vader would have a criticism, it might be that he would like to see you try other styles/forms as well. Don’t get Vader wrong, what you have here is very good. Just keep in mind that a certain form/style/pattern of work can get tired just like themes/plotlines can. Varying your patterns in your writing is one more way you can keep your reader interested.
In summary, both of these poems are very good and Vader certainly would love to see more of your work. Keep it up!
Vader was directed to your poem on a recommendation from another author here on MNFF. He thought your poem was very nicely done. Your rhymes schemes all seem to work very well and there is also some good imagery in your poem that really helps the reader visualize and connect with this work. In particular, Vader really liked this stanza:
I see the footprints of the ones
who walked past your grave.
They paid no respect, but no matter,
for their attention, you did not crave.
One suggestion Vader can make is to perhaps work on the flow/meter of the poem a little bit. You have a couple stanzas in this poem where it seems like one of the lines is a little longer than the others. It has the affect of interrupting the flow. For example, in this stanza:
I am grateful for your friendship,
I appreciate what you've done.
I wanted to let you know that
in our battle against Voldemort, we've won.
It just feels like that last line falls out of step with the first three. What about if you replaced the last line with Against Lord Voldemort we’ve won? A suggestion, nothing more. Take it our leave it. Either way, it’s still a very good poem and Vader thinks it was a good recommendation! Good job!
Being a Harry/Hermione fan whose ship was left in ruins on the rocks at the end of book six, Vader has to say he got a good laugh out of your poem. Particularly, he liked the part about jumping under a car. Your rhymes schemes all seemed to work well and the meter was good too, which can be tricky with limericks. Overall, you’ve done a very solid job! Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: *Jumps subtly in seat*. I was hoping someone would notice the meter, and I sincerely appreciate your constructive criticism. By the way (I don't mean this rudely), is speaking in semi-third-person your little nuance or something? Sometimes you do it, sometimes you don't (I'm a fan of your work - you're a brilliant writer).
The rhyme and the meter were both pretty good in this poem. But, what really impressed Vader was the way you captured the essence of Hermione. It was brilliant from that standpoint. Especially since she loves Arithmancy so much, the last line, numbers never lie was particularly effective. It is also easy to see the shriek of joy escaping her as the number chart reveals her desires to be true. Vader liked that part.
He doesn’t know that he has any constructive criticism to offer here. Maybe, just maybe, he felt that a line or two fell slightly out of rhythm. Like, there was a line that had close to the same number of syllables in it, but length of the syllables in the line where mostly shorter. Maybe that’s just how he read it. Either way, it is slight enough that he didn’t feel like it drastically interrupted the poem’s flow. Furthermore, Vader doesn’t know how he would change it without a lot of rework…which he doesn’t think this poem needs. In short, this is very nicely done and he wouldn’t change a thing!
This would be the first time Vader has ever personally read any thing of yours, Seren, despite the fact that he has heard from numerous people your writing is very good. The first impression he is left with is a very gloomy one. So many people have died in this vision of a post Voldemort Hogwarts. He was somewhat reminded of (though he doubts you intended it this way) the older Private Ryan collapsing on the grave of Captain Miller years later, remembering all those who sacrificed their lives for him. Your story takes a grim (and probably more realistic) look at the horrors of war (magical or otherwise) than you tend to get in Harry Potter related works.
He liked seeing a perspective on the final battle that did not belong to Harry, something he hasn’t seen too much of in various visits to MNFF. Your portrayal of Hermione was very well done and he especially liked the way you blended in her recollections of the last battle. Yes, there were perhaps some graphic images mixed in, but it was not as though they did not add impact; it wasn’t like those images were the story. Vader felt like the really helped drive home how emotionally damaging living through such events can be. In particular, the memories of Luna and Neville were very good.
The whole idea of being robbed of a childhood was also pretty powerful. The scene at the end where Hermione takes off running in the fields was a nice close. But, even that part made Vader sad. Not sure why, he thinks you meant it more as sort of an uplifting finish. Like a moment in Hermione’s life where she is finally able to let go some of these things haunting her.
Well, that’s about all Vader can think of to say here. He didn’t set out to read your story when he bounced on to the site today, but is certainly glad he did. Now he understands where all he has heard about your writing comes from. Fantastic job, Seren, truly. Whether or not he has interpreted your story exactly as you intended or not, he thinks it is an extremely good piece of writing.