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Date: 10/06/05 Title: None
One of the best things Vader thinks you managed to do here is continue to build on the foundation of interest your first chapter laid. Once you caught the readers attention, you drew them deeper into the story with the revelation of new details the must certainly be tied to the outcome of the story. Some examples of how you really drew the reader in more included Draco’s dream about the Book of Way, Snape’s persistent assurances that all of Draco’s questions will be answered…tomorrow, and the possible outcomes of Narcissa’s confrontation with the Dark Lord. All of these things, Vader thinks, leave the reader eager to continue on to the next chapter.
Another well done part of this chapter was your portrayal of the effects of the potion wearing off. It was believable and at times humorous (though, that may have been more of a side effect rather than what you actually intended). Reading your descriptions reminds one of sitting on one leg for too long the wrong way and having it fall asleep. But they were like jelly and still completely useless. That’s exactly how it feels when you first stand up. “Yuh bassa. I’ll kill yuh.” Vader thinks he’s actually said that exact thing before, only under the influence of a different…potion. All in all, he really thought you did a great job of making the effects of the potion real for the reader.
Snape was also well written here. He still has the whole “good guy or bad guy” thing going on. You do make it seem like he is genuinely trying to help Draco. However, just as in the case of the books, Snape’s true intentions are somewhat mysterious. He also has this condescending aura about him. He acts like he knows exactly what is going on, so just do what he says, don’t question him, and like it. For example:
“You’re a foolish boy, Draco. I’ve always known it, though I had hoped you would prove me wrong. That mark on your arm proves how foolish you are.” With his words, Snape knelt down and ripped Draco’s shirt up his arm to reveal the faint outline of the Dark Mark.
In all, very good second chapter for the reasons mentioned above. Perhaps Vader did not have his “writing mechanics” hat on, or maybe it was just a case of this being a piece of work that is virtually mistake free. With what I have seen of your writing, he tends to think the later is the case. Keep up the fantastic work!
Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review, Vader! You always make me feel like a real writer. I'm glad you're liking the story thus far. I've kind of abandoned it for now until life gets straightened out. Thanks so much for reviewing. It brought a smile to my face. :)
Date: 09/02/05 Title: None
Darn it! Vader was the first review! Oh well, he tried, but got beaten to the punch.
Being a reader who was very impressed with your story Gift of Love, Vader will have you know that this story will be set against some awfully high expectations. Your previous works have left him with the impression that you are a very gift writer. And, after having taken in the opening chapter of this story, he is left with every reason to believe these are the first steps down the road towards another very enjoyable and well written work.
One of the most important things an opening chapter can do for the reader is capture the interest, imagination, and attention of the reader. You have done a really good job of that here. Draco Malfoy, based on the new canon from Half Blood Prince, I think is very well portrayed. It is very believable to see him feeling so trapped, so worried that he is going to be killed by Voldemort for failing, but not before he is subjected to some form of torture. At the same time, he is wondering what would have happened had he accepted Dumbledore’s offer.
You have also portrayed Snape very well here. Similar to the way JKR herself seems to toe the line, for much of the first chapter, the reader really can’t tell where the former Potions Master/Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher’s loyalties lie. Not until the very end when Snape pauses on his way to the kitchen to tell Draco the potion will be wearing off does the reader get the sense that Snape truly may be trying to help Draco. Or, at least that was the sense Vader got.
Another thing Vader truly loved was the way you included Snape’s constant attempts to use Legilimency on Draco. Since Draco is not very good at Occlumency, he loved how you used the images of pins poking into the mind and walls crumbling down to describe the sensations. All of a sudden, he felt a familiar white-hot pinprick in his mind. Vader found that to be a very good image; a very good way to describe what it might feel like to have someone trying to break into your mind.
About the only thing that Vader was able to pick up on, in terms of constructive criticism, was he noticed a couple instances of repetitive word use. For example, in the space of about four or five paragraphs you have seethed and seething. Furthermore, there was another instance of the same word later in the chapter. On another occasion, when you are describing Narcissa’s demeanor as she is conversing with Snape you used both hysterics and hysterical in the space of only a couple paragraphs. Perhaps this is being overly critical, but when the reader notices repetitive use of words it can be a distraction. Just something you may consider reviewing if you get the chance.
”My son’s chest will no longer rise and fall…”
Okay, now we are getting down to the extreme nit-pickiness, so try not to get too upset and throw something very large and very heavy at Vader. The sentence above, which was one of the reactions Narcissa had to thinking that her son was dead seemed a little unnatural. It was very poetic, but just didn’t feel write. It seemed too rehearsed, and not raw. Drawing in again on the experience of being a parent, Vader can tell you that if something like that ever happened to his son, he would drop all pretenses and all you would see pouring out of him is a constant stream of pure, unchecked emotion. Do you see Vader’s point? He hopes so. If not, just ignore this paragraph *wink*.
In summary, Vader was very impressed with this first chapter. It’s a very believable look at what might become of Draco, having fled from Hogwarts after Dumbledore’s death/murder. Once again, you have me anxiously awaiting your next installment. As always, fantastic work!
Author's Response: *feels nervous about aforementioned expectations* This story is completely new to me because it's ongoing and people don't know what's going to happen in it. I have foreshadowing and pieces and all these new elements to work with. Hopefully I pull it off well and hopefully my characterization of Draco pushes the envelope and creates a believable adventure. Thanks for your comments. As always, they are spot on and greatly appreciated.
The Precious Night by tetris
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: I love this poem, I know it's nothing compared to the other poems here, but please give it a try! ^.^
Date: 10/06/05 Title: Chapter 1: The Precious Night
I love this poem, I know it's nothing compared to the other poems here, but please give it a try!
First of all, you shouldn’t underrate your work. The poem you’ve written here is nicely done and carries itself very well when compared against the other poetry here. There is a lot to like about it for anyone who enjoys reading poetry. Let’s start with imagery. You have some very nice imagery in this poem. For example, you put in these two very solid visuals Eyes black as the winter night and the raven black hair. Caution could be advised when using raven black because that particular description is a little bit cliché. However, no questions are left about what the author is seeing. So, in this case, it seems to work.
Another thing that works nicely here is the flow your poem has. It moves nicely from beginning to end with few exceptions. That’s pretty important (to Vader anyway) for the overall impact a poem carries. The message you intend resonates much more clearly when its delivery is not interrupted. If one line in the whole poem might be re-worked, perhaps it is the line that goes, “Hush, my sweet, come here.” There are five very short syllables here that rush right by as when read. While it doesn’t disrupt the flow of the poem too significantly, it could possibly be restated so as to fall more in step with the other lines in the same stanza. Call it a suggestion.
You also seem to have some typos/spelling errors in a couple places. It looks like they are of the variety that a spell checker on a typical word processing program (like MS Word) wouldn’t catch because the actual word is not really misspelled. For example, in this line, I let him inside to easier his pain. Did you mean ease? Another example, in this line, The raven black hair is damped from the rain. Was this supposed to be dampened? It’s probably a good idea (and maybe you did this, maybe not…Vader is just guessing) to read through your work or have someone else (like a beta) read over it for you. You might catch some of these. It seems like a small thing, but it is one of those small things that when done can help bring your work to the next level.
Overall, this was a very nice poem. The ending was especially well done. Keep up the good work, and don’t sell it short.
Author's Response: thank you Valder, for all of your suggestions ;) I'm not Enlingsh, so that can explain why I've spelled some things wrong, and I really appreciate that you noticed those errors, now I can try to correct them ;) I'm with you on the raven black hair thing, really, but it seemed nice to use in this poem. And that hush, my sweet, come here, I'll check up on that and see what I can do ;P I promise to read through my work, I'm not up for a beta yet.. ^^, And once again thank you for your observations, it means alot :) I'll try to keep up the good work!
Avada Kedavra by Diamond Quill
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A short (as always!) poem on the killing curse. My first poem for a long while so please r/r.
Date: 10/20/05 Title: Chapter 1: Oneshot
Vader really enjoyed this little poem of yours, Diamond Quill. It gives the reader a very good sense of the killing curse using very few words, one of the great things about well written poetry. The rhyme schemes you have used here, for the most part, are excellent. Examples include words and blurred, eyes and lies, and death and breath. The only one that didn’t really work great (for Vader) was short and thought. It is perfectly fine for a rhyme scheme to be based on the final consonant, but here it stands out because it is the only lines in the poem that rhyme this way. The rest of the lines in the poem rhyme in a more tradition sense, where the sounds are the same or very close.
The rhythm in the poem is also good. However, if anything thing could possibly done to improve the poem, it might be in this area. Though each lines flows very well, a couple could be changed slightly to flow even better. For example, in the line that goes Broken victim draws their last breath, if you were to drop the word their it would make the syllable count in the line the same as the line above it making it flow even better (in Vader’s humble opinion). Vader would make a similar suggestion for the line the goes Silent listeners, their vision blurred. The word their just doesn’t seem to accomplish much other than get in the way of the flow. But hey, that is just an opinion from someone who is certainly no expert.
Finally, the way you have Avada Kedavra at the end of the poem is really cool too. It serves as a very effective ending and ties the whole work together nicely. In all, this is a very good poem, one of the better ones on MNFF in fact. Well done, and keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Well firstly, thankyou very much for the long and constructive review, I like having good feedback. About the short and thought rhymes. I have to say I didnt really notice, untill you pointed it out that they had different rhymes from the rest. When I write poetry I normally just write what comes into my head. I shall have a think to see if I can come up with anything else to replace that. I agree with the 'their' comments. When I was writing the poem, I did pick up on that, but overlooked it. Readign it back, I agree that missing the word out would probably be the best thing to do. Thankyou for your praise of the poem, it is very well appreciated and encouraging. Thanks for reading!
Until the Dawn by HermioneDancr
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: For the first time in her life, Minerva McGonagall had Seen. Buoyant after her first ever success in a Divination lesson, Minerva receives an unexpected owl. On an icy November night, Minerva finds herself betrayed by the promise of omens but discovers the certainty of the stars. One-shot.
Date: 10/23/05 Title: Chapter 1: One-shot
Vader very much enjoyed this take on Minerva McGonagall. It had a certain poetic quality to it, something he truly enjoys. It was also very rich with imagery without being overdone. Details and emotions are made very tangible and yet they are not so overpowering that the reader loses the sense of the story. This is a fine line that many writers (Vader included) cross frequently. You have avoided this pitfall here.
Vader would like to cite here a few of his favorite lines:
Cold gusts cut through the sleeves of her robes, driving like icy pins into her. Very nice, it connects the reader with the story because many have felt cold like that before.
Before her tear-blurred eyes, the shimmering sky looked like a dark fire, the constellations like omens. With the mention of the fire omens earlier on, this is nice use of a recurring theme. It is also a very crisp image.
Vader also liked how you portrayed McGonagall’s feelings about the stars. How she envied them, hated them, scorned them, and loved them for what they represented. The last line was particularly good, about how they stood their watch through the night.
Much like the other one-shot Vader read of yours, Fifteen Minutes, this is a well written, very enjoyable work. You’ve done a fine job!
Author's Response: HermioneDancr would like to thank Vader for taking the time to both read and review her story. She is glad that she did not cross the line and add too much imagery; she is aware of this peril and knows it is to be avoided. HermioneDancr is pleased that Vader liked her portrayal of McGonagall's feelings about the stars. She would like to thank Vader once again for reviewing.
Harry Potter and the Spirits of the Storm by QueenHal
Rated: 6th-7th Years •
Summary: A Post-HBP fiction.
When Harry’s quest for the horcruxes turns desperate, he leaves the security of his homeland to seek out the advice of an ancient and most unusual Council – one whose allegiance is only to themselves but whose knowledge is so vast it may be his only chance. What Harry discovers there will change everything. Soon, he comes to see that this is all so much bigger than just he and Dark Lord – his role, though pivotal, is terribly minute compared to the challenges the Wizarding World must now face.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic Ocean, a young witch uncovers the truth about her bloodline. But only when catastrophic events begin to unfold, does she realise her importance in the greater scheme of things...
It is a tale of epic proportions: bringing in the truth behind Slytherin's betrayal, and the choices the Founders had to make to ensure the longevity of their world. Enemies must unite, lines must be crossed, and children must forgo their innocence. And behind it all, fly the Spirits of the Storm, waiting, watching, scheming. Welcome to the greatest epic war the Wizarding World has ever seen.
Chapter 11 is posted.
Date: 11/10/05 Title: Chapter 1: Prologue
The first thing that catches attention in the prologue is the imagery. The description of the Thestral, Vader thought, was very well done. He got a very clear image in his head of what a one looked like, and it matched up very nicely with the image left from JKR herself. The part about the horse-dragon breeding gone horribly wrong was perfect. He liked that very much, and it works very well to help sharpen the image the reader has of these magical creatures.
Your description of Harry was nicely done as well. It gives the reader a solid sense of how everything that is going on is taking a toll on him. Perhaps the “pale as death” part struck Vader as a little bit cliché. Perhaps we could have found another way to say that, but this is just a Sith Lord nit-picking. It is just a very minor constructive note in your very well done description here. Again, your imagery throughout is fantastic.
The main thing your prologue accomplishes, however, is to capture the readers attention. You end this chapter on a cliff hanger, literally. Here’s Harry looking down on this foreboding looking fortress telling himself whatever happens, happens. It certainly helps direct your reader to the link to move to chapter two. The entire mood of the prologue sets it up perfectly so the reader really wants to know all about this fortress Harry sees as the chapter closes.
It’s a solid opening, and Vader enjoyed reading it. He will definitely move to the next chapter to find out what happens. This is the first work of yours he has read and you have left a solid impression. Keep it up.
Author's Response: Vader! I apologise for not responding this sooner. I admit that I've read it over and over, and it puts a smile on my face every time. I think I've become completely spoiled with these wonderful reviews...
I was really hoping someone would say something about the Thestral! I worked on this particular description for a while, trying to build on what JKR has already written about them, while also creating a new layer of the darkness that has taken over Harry's world in this story.
All your compliments are making me blush profusely, but I do thank you. I'm glad I left a solid impression on you, and I hope you continue reading into the later chapters!
A Misshaped Dream by mcclure_512
Rated: •Summary: A poem about a character seeing something very unexpected within themself. Not a long poem, but hopefully worth the read. It does not really pertain to one character alone, but if you can guess which one I had in mind I will certainly offer you my congratulations!
Date: 12/17/05 Title: Chapter 1: A Misshaped Dream
I really enjoyed this poem, mcclure_512. I liked the rhyming scheme you used in the poem and I particularly enjoyed the ending.
Then why do I see myself dead
Inside he mirror of Erised
As for as who I think the character is, I am going to guess Dumbledore. I’m probably way off in left field. My second guess is Snape. If both of those are wrong, you got me. I thought the double visions and misshaped dreams could be references to memories in a pensive. I thought the broken twig could be talking about his bad arm. And, finally, the sudden glare and quick conclusion, I thought, refer to Dumbledore’s quick decision to have Snape take him out at the end of HBP. Okay, try to keep your laughter down if I am WAY off.
A couple of things I noticed. Firstly, I liked the rhythm through most of the poem, but thought it could be perfected in a couple places. For example, here:
Dull smothered eyes, painted stark whiteTears stopped in time, frozen by the night.
I thought maybe if you canned the word the before the word night in that second line, it would makes those lines flow secondly. As it stands now, it seems like that extra syllable in that line throws of the rhythm just enough to be noticed.
Also, in your last stanza, you have:
If shows my wish, not my dread
If gives me joy, and never woe,
Should the word if that begins each line be it instead? Just curious.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. It’s good work. I’m eager to see how close (or how far off) I was.
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Sonnet about Narcissa
Ah yes, a sonnet. I really enjoyed this one. You did a really good job conveying Narcissa’s emotions here. You also really seem to have to meter down, which I personally find next to impossible for this kind of poem. I consider that an accomplishment in and of itself. I liked the recurring lines, or portions of lines, throughout this poem. It helps tie the whole thing together nicely and also added to the impact. I thought you did well there. The only real constructive comment I can think of would have been no more than a matter of opinion/interpretation. So, it isn’t worth including. Overall, very nice job.
Author's Response: Thanks Vader, your opinions and insights are always appreciated.
Mistakes of an Old Man by blackhairedweasley
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A poem detailing Cornelius Fudge's thoughts after the battle in the Department of Mysteries.
Date: 05/02/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1
I was really interested to read this, blackhairedweasley, because your poem has pretty much the exact same topic as my entry, only in a completely different style of poem. It’s always interesting to see how a completely different person expresses a very similar message in a much different way.
Right, getting on to the particulars, I thought your poem flowed really well and your rhyme scheme was good. I have a hard enough time getting two lines in one stanza to rhyme so I am impressed with any one who can pull off four so nicely. Good work on that. I liked how you brought Fudge’s disagreement with Dumbledore into the poem. Reading your work here, I felt like that was a key detail I left out of mine. This whole time you have Dumbledore is telling Fudge that Voldemort is back and that he needs to do something and Fudge simply refuses to accept that for fear that it might upset his comfortable situation. I think that goes straight to the idea of apathy. You know there is a problem, but do nothing about it. So, that part especially was outstanding to me.
About the only thing that I saw as a problem in this poem were several grammatical errors. I don’t think they have any serious impact on the over effectiveness of the poem. However, they do distract the reader somewhat. Just something to think about, do you use beta readers for your poems?
Good work on this poem and good luck in the contest!
Author's Response: First of all, thank you for the review! I really appreciated what you had to say. As far as the Dumbledore thing goes, the first draft I wrote of this poem didn\'t have those lines, but just the DoM aftermath scenery. Then I went back and thought that it\'d be best to have at the very least an explanation as to why it happened, and then why he did nothing to stop it.
As per the gramatical errors, this is my first time posting any kind of story, so I didn\'t have anyone beta read it. I could probably have one of my fellow serpents beta for me before I put my story up. That would have a profound effect on it, and other contest submissions.
Thanks again, and good luck to you also!
-Jace
The Lost Lord of Wars by uber_angelus
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: A gryffindor submission to the 'Poetry, Anyone?' challenge number 1 "Apathy is lethal"
Date: 05/01/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Lost Lord of Wars
I enjoyed reading this poem. It had good flow and I thought you did very well with some of your rhymes. Though, I’m not so sure I would consider the three founders other than Salazar Slytherin apathetic. I’m a little rusty on my cannon, but I thought Slytherin left the school, in part, because he could not convince the other three to run the school the way he wanted. I guess I just don’t see where the other three could have known, at the time, what a problem this would become. Also, I think you mispelled their in the third from last stanza. Aside from those small details, I really enjoyed your poem. Good job!
Ode to Mary Sue by Kerichi
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary:
After eviscerating Mary Sue in fiction, Mary Sue, I love you! and Mary Sue, Marauders love you!, I was seized by the irresistible urge to skewer her in sonnet. (my version of one, anyway, choosing content over iambic pentameter :D) Shakespeare's 18th sonnet, Shall I compare thee..., was my inspiration, since when it comes to Mary Sue fics, (including the humorous ones) So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see, So long lives this, and this gives life to thee....
*Rated 3rd-5th only due to a belief that younger readers shouldn't be exposed to unpleasant 'facts of life' like Mary Sue. ^_~ *
Date: 06/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: Ode to Mary Sue
That's pretty darn good. I'm always impressed by anyone who can make this format work. I can't to save my life. Great Job.
Author's Response: Thank you! For some odd reason, I heard James Earl Jones\' voice in my head when I read your review, lol. *happy shiver* Thanks for that too! :D
Voldemort's Day Off by KitKat517
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Have you ever wondered what Voldemort does when he isn't planning a new way to kill Harry?
Date: 06/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: Voldemort's Day Off
That's pretty good. I liked it. The part about the Butterbeer was my favorite I think. Though, the Quidditch part was worth a good chuckle too. Nice work.
Author's Response: Yay! Another person liked my poem! I though the Quidditch part was good. That would have to be my favorite part. Thanks for reviewing! :)
Voldie's Only Valentine by hufflepuffgal
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Enclosed here is a printed copy of the one and ONLY valentine that You- Know-Who, yes, he HIMSELF, in all his evil glory, ever wrote. With witty rhyme and winning words it shows you the other side of this seemingly heartless man. And to make it a little more interesting I'm not going to tell you who it is written to (*evil laugh*) in the poem. You can guess in your reviews and I'll tell you if you are right. If you are the first to correctly guess the person, I’ll give you the code for an icon I made and you can post it on your bio (if you want). Good Luck! Hope you enjoy! Please review!
Date: 06/19/06 Title: Chapter 1: The Valentine
It’s Wormtail, right? I’m just kidding. I looked at your reviews after I read it and the correct answer was given.
Good job on this one, on the whole. Though, I struggle with the idea of Voldemort sitting there with a bag of those little heart-shaped candies with the corny phrases on them, it was entertaining, and that’s what matters most!
Good Stuff:
I really liked this part:
I love you more than dark, cold nights,
[more] than ending an innocent muggle’s life.
More than Avada Kedavra! and Crucio!
More than snakes and death and Imperio!
If Voldemort did have a bag of those candies, a lot of those candies would read like parts of those lines. I was wondering if you missed a “more” there though, which I put in brackets. It seems like it fits there. If not, count it as a suggestion. Also, I might personally lose the “!” after “Kedavra”. The extra punctuation, I think, doesn’t add much (granted, I’m no expert). Still, it was a great passage! I really liked it. OH! Almost forgot, is Muggle supposed to be capitalized? Yeah, you know you’ve spent too much time writing fan fiction if you know that.
Also, “You make me feel all evil inside” is awesome. I hope you don’t mind, but I may use that sometime in the future. Not in any written work, but in conversation. Hope you’re not offended by me saying so, but I laughed out-loud at that one. And, “I’ll be waiting, waiting, and watching the sky” was good too. No vocal laughs though.
Questions/Suggestions:
I found a place or two where the punctuation was either off or broke up the flow a little bit. I mentioned one such instance above. Another example, “Do you, too, have feelings to let show?” I guess I can’t find anything wrong there technically speaking. But, the commas, for me, threw off the rhythm just a bit. “Do you too have feelings to let show” works just fine as well. What do you think?
Lastly, the rhyme scheme seemed to fall apart a little bit at the end. Hey, it’s tough to keep it going. And, there’s something to say for picking the right word over a rhyming word. I think it would have maybe been worth your time and worth the payoff to spend a little more time on the second half of this poem and keep the rhyme scheme in tact.
Good job and keep up the good work.
Author's Response: Wow! Thank you for the long and detailed review!
I\'m glad you enjoyed it and will try to use some of your suggestions, if not to revise this, then in future stories.
Again, thanks!
Author's Response: Also, I almost forgot, It\'s totally fine by me if you use \"You make me feel all evil inside\" in conforsation. I\'m gald you liked that line. It\'s quite a commlement that someone would actually was to use it.