Okay, Lex, please don’t hate Vader. He’s running short of time this week and is therefore going to lump his review of chapters eight and nine together. In previous reviews, Vader had made mention of the fact that he felt the story was moving a little slow. Well, it is definitely picking up now! Each of the these chapters had some very interesting things happen in them. For example, Ron confiding in Harry what happened to him when the brains latched onto him in the Department of Mysteries, Harry’s “dreams” of Bellatrix torturing everyone he cared about while his mind was numbed by firewhiskey, Ron and Hermione (lol!), and Ginny saving Ron and Harry’s necks. Oh, by the way, Vader wished he would’ve gotten some firewhiskey for his birthday! That part was so very Fred and George like. Well done!
Is dickweed commonly used English slang? Vader got a pretty good laugh out of that either way. But, when he though about it, he wondered if that was something teens in the UK say. Vader had heard kids in the US use that term, and very similar variations.
The way you compared the Brains to Dementors was excellent. Vader was actually wondering if they produced a similar sensation for their victims. Bad memories are certainly harmful, but bad thoughts can be even worse. Perhaps this is an important realization for Mr. Potter to come to (or anyone for that matter).
Finally, Vader thought your dream sequence in the opening part of chapter nine was just wonderful. He wonders what to make of Harry throwing Ron in front of him like a shield. That was interesting. And, you had some wonderful imagery; the sounds of bones cracking as they are bent at all angles. Ouch!
These were both very nicely done chapters, and Vader really feels like the pace is picking up here. Nice work as always, Lex!
All I could hear was the sound of tires screeching on the pavement, then the unmistakable sound a car makes when it crashes into something. Bang! Or, at least, that’s how Hermione felt, I’m sure. I enjoyed the first chapter of your story a lot, RW. It was interesting to me to read a story where Harry is just sort of there, and not really the central focus. I thought you had some very good imagery in here, in particular, I liked the scene by the lake in Hermione’s thoughts; you had a paragraph in there where you covered all the senses. It’s the sort of thing that can really draw a reader right in. I also liked your transition from Hermione’s thoughts to her mum asking her “milk or juice.” That part was pretty funny as well. I think everyone has been caught like that in the middle of a day dream. I guess the one criticism I have is the chapter is short. I think you could have developed the story a little more here, and maybe even added more imagery (I’m a big imagery guy). I also thought the story moved very quickly, which, I guess can also be a good thing depending on what the reader is in the mood for. It’s a good start, and now, I’ll have to move on to chapter 2!
Author's Response: Yeah, this is the first fan fic that I wrote (and finished) so far that I knew the canon and characters. My very first attempt at fiction was...well let's just say it never happened. Most of my chapters are about 3-5 pages long (MS Word), but thanks for the input on the imagery.
Man, this is messed up! I like it! LOL!
Author's Response: Thanks for taking the time to review, glad you like it!
If you were truly evil, Harry wouldn't have stopped...ha ha! Just kidding. Another very good chapter in a very good story! Keep up the great work!
Author's Response: Thanks for the great review!
Good start!
Author's Response: Thanks!
Dang! I can't believe he beat Hermione up! Wow! Is Hermione going to kick his butt in return the next time she sees Ron? She should! Can't wait to see where the story goes from here. Good job so far!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I have just submitted the next chapter. Hope you like the rest of the story!
Another good chapter. I've been to the Eye once before, so I could really picture the setting! Keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thanks!
Great update. Keep up the good work. Though, I have trouble seeing a girl every forgiving some one for beating the crap outta her...None the less...great story!
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing! I think she would forgive Ron becuase of what they have been through together and she could see he was truely sorry. This is explained in later chapters.
Your story presented a unique challenge for me because I don't like Draco Malfoy. Further more, this is a romance story between Draco and one of my favorite characters, Ginny. So, let me review my anti-Draco bias and get to my points. I liked the direction that you're going here with Draco. How he tends to agree with his father, but is not quite as militant about his beliefs. I was looking for some more details to get me started on the whole romance thing, but I am wondering if that awful look in Draco's fathers eyes is because of the romance with Ginny. Hmmm, will need to read more. I think you have created a believable image of Draco. I would have liked to see something that hinted at Draco's romance with Ginny a little more clearly. This is a romance story, so I want to get a least a little hint of the romance to come in future chapters. Right now, this seems much more like a story about Draco and his problems. In all, it's still a very good start. 8/10. Good job!
Author's Response: It is a romance story, but I develop things very slowly. To me, Draco cannot easily show emotion. (Though I beleive he can feel it much easier than show it.) I'm quite Draco-centric, so therefore, it is more than just a romance fic.
But thanks for the review! :D
I like what you have done so very. Good story! Keep up the good work!
Good start. I like your story so far, keep up the good work!
Perhaps my favorite part of this chapter is the letter from Percy. It’s so Percy-like to congratulate Ginny on staying at school to study. The letter also works in a nice little subplot about whether or not the Weasleys forgive Percy. But, the part that sold me is how you wrote the close, “I hope your Christmas at Hogwarts is a productive one.” He can’t even wish her a Merry (or Happy) Christmas (Did I mention I can’t stand Percy?). Harry’s letter seemed a little cold to me, for how I see Harry though. And, I thought Ginny might find Harry’s letter a little upsetting. I suppose it could be Harry pushing Ginny away (for what Harry thinks is her own good). I was also a little surprised Ginny told Dumbledore first. I can’t think of many teenage girls that I know of who would choose the headmaster of their school to be the first person they told about being pregnant. So, I am very interested to see where that goes. I like your pacing in this story quite a bit. Though I could harp some more on my constant quest for more details, I would like to say that I like the amount of the plot that you seem to unveil in each chapter. You do a very good job keeping the interest level up. 8/10. Really good job so far.
Author's Response: I'm glad you like Percy's letter, it went through a couple of re-writes... How does one apologise so arrogantly yet sincerely? It was a tough bit to write. Harry's letter is deliberate, he wouldn't have even written if Hermione hadn't made him ;)
Very interesting chapter, MADJH, good job! There are some very interesting issues in play here for the reader to consider. There is Teen pregnancy, Harry’s reaction, The Weasley’s reaction, and course Voldemort’s reaction. I’m not a huge fan of time turners in stories, personally. It’s just something that I have seen in so many stories I have read…too many. That being said, I find the story line you have put around the time turner in your piece well done. I also really liked how you wrote Dumbledore in this chapter. I thought he was very much in character. Great job on this, MADJH!
Author's Response: Wow! A Vader review! I'm honoured! This is really my fluffy story... I just seem incapable of straight fluff though, there has to be something for the characters to deal with. As for the Timeturner, I think you'll find that it's been used judiciously in this case. No going back in time to stop the death of James and Lily or anything like that. AND while the Timeturner serves the plot it isn't the entire plot. Thanks for the compliment on DD! I hope I have hooked you into coming back and reading more!
Oh, what a wonderful opening chapter! Your scene at the end is absolutely fantastic to me (even if I could have done with a little more detail...but I won't nitpick, I still loved it). I think the main thing this chapter accomplishes is it hooks the reader very well, and makes them want to read more. Here are a couple of things I could suggest to make this even better. First, I'm a big imagery guy. I love visuals. So when you write something like, "Ginny stared out at the passing scenery…" why not replace the word scenery with a brief description of what she sees. For example, you might put something like, "the green blur of countless pine trees zooming by …”. Second, I thought in OoTP, it was fairly clear that Hermione didn't have too much desire to become an Auror. I guess I feel like she would still be very active in the Order, but stop short of committing to that career. That being said, I guess the idea as presented in your story is not unimaginable. I did find a sentence or two, also, that I had to read a couple times. "That Ginny hadn’t been feeling well for the last few weeks hadn’t been surprising but it had concerned Mrs. Weasley all the same.” I just had to read it a couple times, and thought perhaps it could be retooled. It’s just a suggestion. And, forgive me for being perhaps out of it on my Canon, but do we know if Ginny can see Thestrals as of the end of OoTP? If not, maybe you could drop in a line (even a paragraph) that tells us about why she can see them now. Well, I'm off to chapter two. I like your start very much, good work. 8/10.
Author's Response: Thank-you! You're right, this chapter is very short on detail. It begs to be rewritten, but the call of newer chapters is a little louder I'm afraid. I posted this before I knew anything about what was expected of a good fanfiction writer, before I'd even laid out the whole plot. When I'm done with the story, I'll come back and rework a few things... which is why there are a lot of mistakes that have gone uncorrected. The list goes on and on and I think it best to wait and tackle it all at once. As for the Thestrals, two thoughts, she knows what draws the carriages even if she can't see them and she may have seen something in the last two years to cause her to see them. But, she wasn't in the room when Sirius died. It's a weak explaination but like I've said, this chapter needs some serious attention ;) I hope you keep leaving such detailed notes, they're really helpful, thank-you!
So we have a "fall from grace" and an interest in concealment charms, do we? That’s pretty interest. The plot in your story is very good, and I thought the mechanics in this chapter were outstanding. You did a very good job writing Luna, who I consider next to impossible to write. Well done there. I thought you did a good job on the dialogue as well. The one thing I think this chapter lacked was any visual details. What you did here was still very good, don't get me wrong. But, I think you can make seem even more real to the reader with a little more work on the imagery. Moving on to chapter 3...keep up the good work!
Author's Response: Thank-you for the compliment on Luna! I thank-you on behalf of myself, my mother and Magical Maeve. Yes, it took three people to write three sentences!
First of all, I found your story enjoyable. There's some action and some romace going on that keep the readers attention. But, there are a few things you could do to make this story even better. First, I would suggest working on your grammar and layout on your story. Take for example this paragraph: ...“Oh come on Hermione you have to come! It won’t be any fun making guys fall in love with me if you’re not there!” Drina cried. “Why do you need me to make guys feel so pathetic that they can’t get a date with you?!” Hermione asked infuriated. You have two different people speaking in this paragraph. It makes your story a little hard to follow. The mechanical stuff in your story is important because you don't want your readers to remember that instead of the story itself. Make sure your story is layed out in a way that is easy for the reader to read. Preview the story before you hit submit, and make sure it looks good too. I also would like to see some more details, some more imagery. You have some of it in here, for example, "She pulled out her wand and turned around quickly only to see the swirling mist." Things like this make your story more visual and help your reader connect with what's happening. I certainly would like to read more of your story. You have some interesting ideas, and I will look forward to see what happens next!
Sorry for the delay, read your first chapter earlier, and I like it so far. Very good start! Looking forward to more!
Author's Response: i am soo glad that u like it u wright some of my favorite storys!!!!! contact me again
Liked you story very much, and hope you keep writing!
Author's Response: Well the story is not finished....
I like it so far. Maybe Luna seems abit OOC to me, but that's cool. Still like the story so far. Hope you write more!
Author's Response: I will write more! You can count on that!
Very nice start! I like your story a lot so far, and hope you update it soon!